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Rage-Control for Children on the Autism Spectrum

"Any tips for dealing with a high functioning autistic child who flips into a rage at the most inopportune times for no apparent reason whatsoever? This erratic behavior occurs at school as well."

Advice for Parents—

All of us exhibit some "signs" just as we begin to act-out our anger in the form of rage. Thus, it is possible to identify the rage signs in a child with ASD level 1, High-Functioning Autism (HFA). For example, you may detect a certain look in the eye, the tone of voice, or the tightness in the body. Parents need to help their youngster observe these signs right at the onset of rage. Once the child can identify the early signs, he or she can also learn to diffuse it by such methods as walking away or taking deep, vigorous breaths.

Teach your child to respond to your "signal" (e.g., your hand motion) to stay calm. Give that signal as soon as he or she starts "stewing" about something. If your child is too young for such self-control techniques, use distraction as soon as you notice him or her exhibiting a rage sign. A distraction, in order to be effective, has to be of interest to the youngster (e.g., suggest to your youngster, "Let's ride a bike" or, "Let's play a game").

It’s important to teach HFA kids to talk about how they feel. Give them a language to express their feelings. For example, ask them how they feel. If they are too angry to talk or don't have the vocabulary to express their feelings, ask about the feelings relevant to the specific situation. For example, "Do you feel embarrassed?" "Humiliated?" "Let down?" or, "Is your pride hurt?" When your child expresses the feeling behind his or her rage, such as embarrassment or humiliation, suggest some other ways to look at the same event that might not be embarrassing or humiliating.
 
==> My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children on the Autism Spectrum

The thought, "It's not fair," is a big rage-arouser for many kids on the autism spectrum. If that is the case, ask them, "Do you feel you are being treated unfairly?" When your child answers the question, listen and don't rush to negate his or her feelings.

If the child refuses to be distracted or engaged in dialoguing about his or her rage and starts yelling, stomping or breaking an object, impose appropriate consequences. It's better to have these consequences in place to serve as a guideline. That means that you have discussed them with your child beforehand and have written them out for future reference. Armed with a list of consequences (which preferably consist of withdrawing privileges or charging the child a "penalty"), moms and dads should encourage their child to choose such alternatives as doing something else, walking away, or talking about the rage rather than acting it out.

How about your own rage in response to your child's rage? You can set an example of “rage control” for your youngster. No teaching technique is as effective as a parent "modeling" for the youngster with his or her own example.


One thing that makes many moms and dads angry is to see their own child challenging their authority and defying them. Sometimes, it may appear so, but that may not be the intention of the child. For example, he or she may be too unhappy to be told “no” because he or she wants it so badly. Of course, you shouldn't give in to the wishes of the child, but try to understand what might really be the intention behind the behavior.

Some HFA kids get upset when they know they made a mistake. Instead of admitting their mistake, they act-out in rage to deflect the attention off them. If you realize that this may be the case, it's helpful to say to your child, "Everyone makes mistakes. I am okay with it. Don't feel so bad about it."

Advice for Teachers—

Kids on the spectrum, who in a rage lash out at others, should be often reminded of such consequences as going to the Principal's office, being detained and losing privileges at home. If the rage outbursts occur in relation to classmates and you didn't observe the whole interaction from the very beginning, it's better to impose a penalty on all parties involved.

Some HFA kids get angry because they don't have appropriate peer-interaction skills. For example, some don't know how to join in a conversation or a game. They abruptly try to get in. When resisted or rejected by peers, they explode. Teaching appropriate social skills can go a long way to avoid such negative encounters. We can establish a culture that reduces rage and teaches tolerance. For example, we can set a personal example for these "special needs" kids that "big people" do apologize and it's graceful to loose and try again.

Rage is believed to have three components (Lewis & Michalson, 1983):

1. The Emotional State of Rage. The first component is the emotion itself, defined as an affective or arousal state, or a feeling experienced when a goal is blocked or needs are frustrated. Fabes and Eisenberg (1992) describe several types of provocations that young Aspergers kids face daily in classroom interactions:
  • Conflict over possessions, which involves someone taking the kid's property or invading their space.
  • Issues of compliance, which often involve asking or insisting that HFA kids do something that they do not want to do--for instance, wash their hands.
  • Physical assault, which involves one child doing something to another child, such as pushing or hitting.
  • Rejection, which involves a youngster being ignored or not allowed to play with peers.
  • Verbal conflict, for example, a tease or a taunt.

2. Expression of Rage. The second component of rage is its expression. Some HFA kids vent or express rage through crying, but do little to try to solve a problem or confront the provocateur. Others actively resist by physically or verbally defending their positions, self-esteem, or possessions in non-aggressive ways. Still others express rage with aggressive revenge by physically or verbally retaliating against the provocateur. Some HFA kids express dislike by telling the offender that he or she cannot play or is not liked. Others express rage through avoidance or attempts to escape from or evade the provocateur. And some use adult seeking, looking for comfort or solutions from a teacher, or telling the teacher about an incident.

Educators can use child guidance strategies to help HFA kids express angry feelings in socially constructive ways. These young people develop ideas about how to express emotions (Michalson & Lewis, 1985; Russel, 1989) primarily through social interaction in their families and later by watching television or movies, playing video games, and reading books (Honig & Wittmer, 1992). Some kids on the spectrum have learned a negative, aggressive approach to expressing anger (Cummings, 1987; Hennessy et al., 1994) and, when confronted with everyday conflicts, resort to using aggression in the classroom (Huesmann, 1988). A major challenge for educators is to encourage AS and HFA kids to acknowledge angry feelings and to help them learn to express them in positive and effective ways before they escalate into rage.

3. An Understanding of Rage. The third component of the rage experience is understanding--interpreting and evaluating--the emotion. Because the ability to regulate the expression of rage is linked to an understanding of the emotion (Zeman & Shipman, 1996), and because the HFA kid's ability to reflect on their rage is somewhat limited, they need guidance from educators and moms and dads in understanding and managing their feelings.
 
Understanding and managing rage:

The development of basic cognitive processes undergirds HFA kid's gradual development of the understanding of rage (Lewis & Saarni, 1985):

1. Memory. Memory improves substantially during early childhood (Perlmutter, 1986), enabling young HFA kids to better remember aspects of rage-arousing interactions. Children who have developed unhelpful ideas of how to express anger (Miller & Sperry, 1987) may retrieve the early unhelpful strategy even after educators help them gain a more helpful perspective. This finding implies that educators may have to remind some "special needs" kids, sometimes more than once or twice, about the less aggressive ways of expressing anger.

2. Language. Talking about emotions helps young kids on the spectrum understand their feelings  (Brown & Dunn, 1996). The understanding of emotion is predicted by overall language ability (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Educators can expect individual differences in the ability to identify and label angry feelings, because HFA kid's families model a variety of approaches in talking about emotions.

3. Self-Referential and Self-Regulatory Behaviors. Self-referential behaviors include viewing the self as separate from others and as an active, independent, causal agent. Self-regulation refers to controlling impulses, tolerating frustration, and postponing immediate gratification. Initial self-regulation in young HFA kids provides a base for early childhood educators who can develop strategies to nurture the  emerging ability to regulate the expression of rage.

Guiding the expressions of rage:

Educators can help kids on the autism spectrum deal with rage by guiding their understanding and management of this emotion. The ideas described below can help these young people understand and manage angry feelings in a direct and non-aggressive so they don’t escalate into rage outbursts:

1. Create a Safe Emotional Climate. A healthy environment permits these children to acknowledge all feelings, pleasant and unpleasant, and does not shame rage. Healthy classroom systems have clear, firm, and flexible boundaries.

2. Model Responsible Rage-management. HFA kids have an impaired ability to understand emotion when grown-ups have anger issues themselves (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Grown-ups who are most effective in helping these young people model responsible rage-management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings and by expressing them in direct and non-aggressive ways.

3. Help HFA kids Develop Self-Regulatory Skills. Educators do a lot of self-regulation "work," realizing that the these students in their classroom have a very limited ability to regulate their own emotions. As these kids get older, grown-ups can gradually transfer control of the self to the children, so that they can develop self-regulatory skills.

4. Encourage them to Label Feelings of Rage. Educators and moms and dads can help young kids on the spectrum to produce a label for their rage by teaching them that they are having a feeling and that they can use a word to describe it. A permanent record (a book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for anger (e.g., mad, irritated, annoyed), and the class can refer to it when discussing angry feelings.

5. Encourage them to Talk About Rage-Arousing Interactions. HFA kids better understand rage and other emotions when grown-ups explain emotions (Denham, Zoller, &Couchoud, 1994). When these kids are embroiled in a rage-arousing interaction, educators can help by listening without judging, evaluating, or ordering them to feel differently.

6. Use Books and Stories about Rage to Help HFA Children to Understand and Manage Rage. Well-presented stories about rage and other emotions validate the kid's feelings and give information about rage (Jalongo, 1986; Marion, 1995). It is important to preview all books about anger, because some stories teach irresponsible “rage-management.”

7. Communicate with other moms and dads. Some of the same strategies employed to talk with moms and dads about other areas of the curriculum can be used to enlist their assistance in helping these kids learn to express emotions. For example, articles about learning to use words to label rage can be included in a newsletter to moms and dads.

Children on the spectrum guided toward responsible rage-management are more likely to understand and manage angry feelings directly and non-aggressively and to avoid the stress often accompanying poor anger-control (Eisenberg et al., 1991). Educators can take some of the bumps out of understanding and managing rage by adopting positive guidance strategies.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

Mood Disorders in Children with High-Functioning Autism

Mood disorders are mental health problems (e.g., depression, bipolar disorder, dysthymic disorder, anxiety disorder) that can occur in anyone, including young kids and teenagers. The cause of mood disorders is not fully understood, but an imbalance in brain chemicals play a role.

It is normal for a child’s mood to change, and most kids go through times of feeling sad. However, when these feelings last for a very long time or interfere with daily functioning, he or she may have a mood disorder.

Symptoms of mood disorders include:
  • an elevated mood (i.e., mania) that is accompanied by feelings of grandiosity, extreme energy, and heightened arousal
  • changes in appetite
  • difficulty concentrating
  • fatigue
  • feelings of inadequacy 
  • feelings of sadness
  • guilt
  • helplessness
  • hopelessness
  • irritability
  • suicidal thoughts
  • trouble engaging in daily tasks
  • trouble in relationships



When considering the diagnostic criteria for Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) – and the effects of the disorder on a child's adaptive functioning in a social context – we can expect such children to be vulnerable to the development of secondary mood disorders. Research suggests that about 65% of adolescents with AS and HFA have a mood disorder that includes depression and anxiety. There is also evidence to suggest an association with conduct disorders, delusional disorders, and paranoia. It appears that comorbid mood disorders in adolescents with AS and HFA are the rule rather than the exception. Thus, a good question to ask is: “Why is this population more prone to mood disorders”?

Research has been conducted on the family histories of young people with Autism, AS, and HFA and has identified a higher than expected incidence of mood disorders. Children with AS and HFA may be vulnerable to a genetic predisposition to mood disorders. However, when we consider their difficulties with regard to empathy, profile of cognitive skills, sensory perception, social reasoning, and verbal communication, they are clearly prone to considerable stress as a result of their attempts at social inclusion. Chronic levels of stress can contribute to a mood disorder. Therefore, there may be circumstantial factors that explain the higher incidence of mood disorders in this population.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 
Theoretic models of Autism developed within cognitive psychology and research in neuropsychology also provide some explanation as to why these children and teens are prone to secondary mood disorders. The extensive research on “Theory of Mind” skills confirms that young people with AS and HFA have considerable difficulty identifying and conceptualizing the thoughts and feelings of others – and themselves. The interpersonal and inner world of emotions seems to be uncharted territory for these kids.

Research on executive function in individuals with AS and HFA suggests characteristics of being disinhibited and impulsive, with a relative lack of insight that affects general functioning. Impaired executive function also can affect the cognitive control of emotions. Among young people on the autism spectrum, clinical experience suggests that there is a tendency to react to emotional cues without cognitive reflection. Research on individuals with Autism using new neuroimaging technology also has identified structural and functional abnormalities of the amygdala, which is known to regulate a range of emotions (e.g., anger, fear, sadness, etc.). Therefore, we also have neuroanatomic evidence that suggests there will be problems with the perception and regulation of the emotions.

Treatment for mood disorders depends on the evaluation of a professional. Behavioral therapy, cognitive therapy, lifestyle modification, and medication may all be used. It is crucial to get early treatment for a mood disorder to reduce the severity of symptoms and manage any complications.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is the primary treatment for mood disorders. CBT has been designed and refined over several decades and has proven to be effective in changing the way an individual thinks about and responds to uncomfortable emotions (e.g., anxiety, sadness, anger, etc.)  This therapy focuses on aspects of cognitive deficiency in terms of the maturity, complexity, and efficacy of thinking, and cognitive distortion in terms of dysfunctional thinking and incorrect assumptions. Therefore, it has direct applicability to young people on the autism spectrum who are known to have deficits and distortions in thinking.

CBT has several components:
  • an assessment of the nature and degree of mood disorder using self-report scales and a clinical interview
  • mood education with discussion and exercises on the connection between cognition, affect and behavior, and the way in which people conceptualize emotions and construe various situations
  • cognitive restructuring (cognitive restructuring corrects distorted conceptualizations and dysfunctional beliefs; the child or teen is encouraged to establish and examine the evidence for – or against – his thoughts and build a new perception of specific events)
  • stress management (stress management and cue-controlled relaxation programs are used to promote responses incompatible with anxiety or anger)
  • self-reflection (self-reflection activities help the child recognize her internal state, monitor and reflect on her thoughts, and construct a new self-image)
  • a schedule of activities to practice new cognitive skills (a graded schedule of activities is developed to allow the child to practice new abilities that are monitored by the clinician)

The neurology of AS and HFA makes life more demanding. Young people with the disorder are often disconnected from what they themselves feel, leaving them ill-equipped to make sense of their daily experiences. In addition, the nature of their social and communication deficits creates its own challenges. These kids are often deprived of the social rewards, support, and validation that “typical” kids know and take for granted – leading to even greater frustration. Many AS and HFA kids know constant criticism and rejection, which can result in a harsh self-judgment that they are failing others.




Here a few tips for parents of AS and HFA children with mood disorders:

1. All children have bad moods sometimes. That’s nothing to be worried about. However, a mood disorder deals with problematic behavior caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Many moms and dads are in denial that their AS or HFA youngster may have a mood disorder. They don’t want anything to be “wrong” with their youngster, so they chalk up bad behavior to an artistic temperament. A Surgeon General’s report found that 75-80% of kids in need of mental health services don’t get it because of the stigma. So, make sure “denial” is not a factor in your case.

2. An AS or HFA youngster’s dark mood, negative words, and problematic behaviors can be frightening to parents. But, the reality is what it is. Living with AS or HFA is stressful and can invite feelings of despair, hopelessness, and self-disregard. Don’t let your fear keep you at bay or leave your youngster alone with her suffering. Do not shy away from the outside world, isolating yourself as your youngster isolates herself. If her mood concerns you, seek professional help (e.g., counseling, assessment, medication, etc.).

3. AS and HFA kids crave the steady, quiet, self-regulated, unthreatening control of their computer, books, bedroom, etc. They deserve a place of respite that they can count on. Don’t ignore your youngster’s true need for “down time,” maybe even preemptively suggesting at times that she run off to her preferred retreat.

4. Be careful not to take words or behaviors that you don’t understand as being empty and meaningless. Try to discover what your youngster is attempting to convey or express. This teaches her the inherent value of communication and empowers her being an agent in being understood by others. The more clearly and directly your youngster can share what she feels, the less in the dark you will be, and the more information you will have to guide your interventions and actions.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

5. Don’t cling to traditional parenting strategies. Traditional techniques will tell you that when your youngster misbehaves, the consequence should be immediate. That’s good advice for “typical” kids. But for an AS or HFA child with a mood disorder – it is bad advice. If a youngster with a mood disorder is acting-out, that may mean he is experiencing a meltdown rather than a temper tantrum (two distinctly different behaviors). And if parents try to impose disciplinary action at that point, it only escalates the meltdown. Therefore, delay the consequences, and don’t engage in the fight. When it’s calm, sit down with your youngster and explain the repercussions of his behavior.

6. Kids with AS and HFA tend to worry a lot. Try not to criticize or show your own frustration over this excessive worrying. Don’t try to rationalize away your youngster’s worry. Invite his expressions of hurt and worry with open arms. This will show him how good and comforting human connection can feel, and how it can alleviate an anxious or depressed mood.

7. Nothing truly comforts an AS or HFA youngster more than being in the presence of parents who feel genuinely at ease, especially when in the presence of his distress. If what you are doing is stressing your youngster excessively, try to back off and speak more quietly, more slowly – or not at all. You can’t shield your youngster from all the stresses of life, but you can be a calming influence from a world that moves too fast and too insensitively.

8. Parents of an AS or HFA youngster with a mood disorder must endure incredible stress – stress that affects the family, the marriage, and siblings. They’re constantly living in an unpredictable atmosphere and walking on eggshells, since they never know what may to set their youngster off. And, there are so many unanswered questions (e.g., Am I doing the right thing? Will my child be able to function as an adult? Will she hurt herself? Will she live a full life? …and so on). Furthermore, emotions like anxiety, despair, fear, hopelessness, and second-guessing yourself are all very common – especially when it seems like everyone around you is judging your parenting skills. Thus, it’s important for moms and dads to talk to a professional who is compassionate and non-judgmental and who provides a safe place to talk honestly and openly. Don’t be too proud to seek counseling for yourself!

9. Raising a youngster with AS or HFA is a lifelong endeavor. Helping him deal with depression and anxiety is a process that can proceed in a positive direction. Stay connected in whatever way you and he can muster and bear. Every molecule of connection parents establish with their youngster helps to protect him from anxiety, depression, self-hatred, despair, and the toxicity of isolation.

10. Lastly, watch for frustration and irritability that can’t be alleviated, that rises fast and frequent. A youngster’s losing interest in – or going deeper into – an obsession can signal depression and/or anxiety. Notice self-derogatory remarks and self-injury. Anxiety can intensify tics and body tension, or cause behaviors to grow more driven and rigid. When these signs reveal themselves, it’s time to reach out to a professional for assistance.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
By

Fight, Flight or Pretend: The 3 Anger Styles in High-Functioning Autistic Kids

“My 8 y.o. son Cory has a diagnosis of autism (high functioning) and has uncontrollable outbursts and aggression when things don’t go his way. He often becomes so distraught that his suffering is palpable. The emotions vivid on his face. His little body tense with distress. Sometimes he will meltdown, at other times he shuts down. Is this just par for the course with autism? Is there anything that can help reduce the intensity, duration and frequency of these behaviors?”

RE: “Is this just par for the course with autism?”

Yes! Many moms and dads recognize that their high-functioning autistic (Asperger’s) youngster has a problem with anger-control. Many feel that their youngster needs to develop some anger-control skills, or needs to find some kind of counseling that will help him get along better in life (e.g., at school, with a parent, with siblings and classmates, etc.). In some cases, professionals have diagnosed a highly-aggressive youngster on the spectrum with Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

Generally, anger falls into three main categories: 1) Fight, 2) Flight, or 3) Pretend to be “Flighting” (while finding indirect ways to Fight). Most high-functioning autistic kids with anger-control problems will go to either extreme of fight or flight. They tend to become aggressive and hostile, or they withdraw into themselves and become extremely quiet, silently stubborn, and depressed (i.e., a shutdown).

“The Fighters”: Child Anger Turned to Aggression—



The Fighters are pretty simple to recognize. They are aggressive. Many times, the characteristics of high-functioning autistic kids with severe anger-control problems are included in the professional diagnosis for Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Some of the warning signs in the following list are taken from the criteria for professional diagnosis. Others are additional common signs of anger-control problems for kids that are Fighters.
  • Uncontrollable fits of rage (usually these tantrums are used as threats to get their way)
  • Seriously violates rules (e.g., at home, in school, or society in general)
  • Seems to have “emotional diarrhea” and “lets it all out - all the time”
  • Physically disruptive (e.g., hitting the parent)
  • Openly and often defiant of requests
  • Often feels rules are “stupid” or don’t apply to them
  • Often demeans or swears directly to parent or others in authority positions
  • Makes threats
  • Loud voice and yelling
  • Initiates fights with others
  • Has left holes in walls and doors from violent outbursts
  • Furious temper
  • Frequently vocalizes anger
  • Does not follow rules
  • Difficulty accepting a “no” answer
  • Destroys property

The “Fighters” have anger-control problems when the problems are creating an unsafe situation for themselves, for others, or for property around them. If parents or siblings are the focus of physical aggression, the problem is extremely critical to address. High-functioning autistic teens who have abused others as kids are at a higher risk of becoming a threat to society than those who have not. Where these warning signs seem to be a part of daily life, intervention is strongly suggested. Intervention can be through anger-control counseling, or through a program dedicated and experienced in working with autistic kids with emotional regulation difficulties.
 

“The Flighters”: Child Anger Turned to Passive Responses—

The Flighters can also be fairly simple to recognize. They are passive. They do not fight back when confronted. Many of their traits may coincide with the diagnosis of depression. Some of the warning signs below are taken from the professional diagnosis for depression, and others are additional common signs of “shutdowns” for Flighters.
  • Tends to spend a lot of time alone
  • Seems withdrawn
  • Seems to hold anger in
  • Seems to have very little emotion
  • Seems depressed
  • Seems “emotionally constipated”
  • Physical problems may include upset stomach, muscle aches, backaches, frequent headaches, or other physical symptoms from “holding it in”
  • May simply “go along” with whatever - even when it is a poor decision
  • May punch holes in walls or kick doors when “the last straw drops”
  • May have few friends
  • May blame self unnecessarily
  • May be seen as a “loner”
  • Holds anger in, then “blows up” suddenly and violently
  • Has difficulty expressing emotions
  • Extremely passive to the point of getting “walked over” by others
  • Does not engage in much conversation
  • Deals with difficult emotions by “cutting” the emotions off

The “Flighters” are in danger of destroying themselves emotionally from within. They are like a balloon being constantly blown into with no release valve. When they explode, their anger may be violent, and may lead to harming themselves, harming others, or destroying property. Internalized anger is potentially as destructive to a youngster as aggressive anger.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
 
“The Pretenders”: Child Anger Silently Planning Revenge—

Perhaps the most difficult to detect, the Pretenders follow an anger style that seems to be calm on the surface, but is raging, scheming, and planning underneath. They are passive-aggressive. These kids do not directly confront the anger as a Fighter would do. They will be passive and appear to accept what is said, and then will disregard what is said to do their own thing. They are sneaky. Often, they may be unnoticed. While they are giving a person a hug, they are also stabbing them in the back (so to speak). They lack the courage to be direct, and perfect the skills to be deceitful. They know where the “back door” to revenge is, and will use it often. They will give the appearance of a Flighter. The list of Flighter traits also applies to them. Some additional traits to look for with Pretenders are as follows:
  • Tends to sabotage
  • Tends to avoid direct conflict while creating problems in other areas
  • Sneaky behaviors
  • Often gets caught in lies
  • May not admit mistakes
  • May be very good at blaming others
  • Inconsistency between what is said and what is done

High-functioning autistic kids who try to manage their anger through the Pretender style are as potentially dangerous to others and themselves as the other styles. Moms and dads tend to underestimate the Pretender style, because the danger does not seem to be as bad as the aggressive Fighter.

The Hostility Cycle—

From an anger-control perspective, an episode of anger can be viewed as consisting of three phases: escalation, explosion, and post-explosion. Together, they make up the hostility cycle. In this process, the escalation phase is characterized by cues that indicate anger is building. These cues can be physical, behavioral, emotional, or cognitive (thoughts). If the escalation phase is allowed to continue, the explosion phase will follow. The explosion phase is marked by uncontrollable anger displayed as verbal or physical aggressiveness. The final stage of the hostility cycle is the post-explosion phase, which is characterized by negative consequences resulting from the verbal or physical aggression displayed during the explosion phase.

The intensity, frequency, and duration of anger in the hostility cycle varies among children. For example, one high-functioning autistic youngster’s anger may escalate rapidly after a provocative event and, within just a few minutes, reach the explosion phase. Another youngster’s anger may escalate slowly but steadily over several hours before reaching the explosion phase. Similarly, one child may experience more episodes of anger and progress through the hostility cycle more often than the other. Despite differences in how quickly the anger escalates and how frequently anger is expressed, the child will undergo all three phases of the hostility cycle.
 

The intensity of the high-functioning autistic youngster’s anger also may differ. One child may engage in more violent behavior than the other in the explosion phase (e.g., he may assault someone). Another child may express his anger during the explosion phase by shouting at or threatening parents. Regardless of these individual differences, the explosion phase is synonymous with losing control and becoming verbally or physically aggressive.




RE: “Is there anything that can help reduce the intensity, duration and frequency of these behaviors?”

Absolutely! Here are some crucial strategies to help teach your son more constructive ways to deal with anger and frustration:

1. When Cory becomes frustrated, use those incidents as "on-the-spot lessons" to help him learn to calm himself down (rather than always relying on you to calm him down). Every time he acts-out due to low-frustration tolerance, ALWAYS use that moment as a teaching moment. For example, explain to him that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting frustrated. We should listen to these signs, because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help Cory recognize what specific warning signs he may have that tells him he is starting to get angry (e.g., I talk louder, my cheeks get hot, I clench my fists, my heart starts pounding, my mouth gets dry, I breathe faster, etc.).

2. Use books and social stories about anger to help your son understand and manage it. Well-presented stories about anger and other emotions validate a youngster's feelings and give information about anger. It is important to preview all books about anger, because some stories teach irresponsible anger-control.

3. Use role-playing, puppets, or videos to teach social skills (e.g., how to treat each other, how to work out disagreements, etc.).

4. Use feeling words to help Cory understand the emotions of others (e.g., “Robbie is sitting alone and looks very sad; he may be lonely” …or “When Michael tripped, he looked embarrassed”).

5. Train your son to respond to your "signal" (e.g., a hand motion) to stay calm. Give that signal as soon as he starts "stewing" about something. Alternatively, you can use distraction as soon as you notice him exhibiting an anger sign. If he refuses to be distracted or engaged in dialoguing about his anger and starts yelling, stomping or breaking an object, impose appropriate consequences. But, have these consequences in place ahead of time to serve as a guideline. That means that you have discussed them beforehand and written them out for future reference. Armed with a list of consequences (which preferably consist of withdrawing privileges or charging your son a "penalty"), encourage him to choose such alternatives as doing something else, walking away, or talking about the anger rather than acting it out.
 

6. Try a "time-in" rather than a "time-out." As a parent, you are Cory's main guide in life. He relies on you to be there with him through his difficult emotional experiences, whatever that may be. Thus, no time-out and no isolation may be the best option on occasion. Instead, try a "time-in." Sit with Cory and incorporate other methods mentioned in this post (e.g., work on breathing with him, ask him questions about his feelings, etc.). The important thing is to be fully present with Cory to help him through his emotions. Remember, you are teaching him social skills to be in relationships with others, rather than acting out alone. When some autistic kids are isolated, they often ruminate and feel guilty for their behavior. This only serves to create low self-esteem, which often cycles back to creating behavioral problems.

7. The thought "It's not fair" is a big anger-arouser for many high-functioning autistic kids. If that is the case, ask your son, "Do you feel you are being treated unfairly?" When he answers the question, listen and don't rush to negate his feelings.

8. Teach Cory to take a time-out from the difficult situation and have some “alone-time” for a few minutes. During the time-out, he can rethink the situation, calm down, and determine what to do next. The length of the time-out is determined by the intensity of the emotion. An autistic youngster who is simply frustrated may just need to take a deep breath. The youngster who is infuriated probably needs to leave the room and settle down. After Cory has calmed down, it’s time to decide on a more appropriate response to the situation. There are at least 3 positive choices: talk about it, get help, or slow down. Simplifying the choices makes the decision process easier. Even autistic kids can learn to respond constructively to frustration when they know there are just a few choices.  These choices are skills to be learned. Take time to teach Cory these skills, and practice them as responses to mad feelings.

9. Teach your son to talk about how he feels. Give him a language to express his feelings. If he is too angry to talk or doesn't have the words to express his feelings, ask about the feelings relevant to the specific situation. For example, "Do you feel rejected?" "Hurt?" "Let down?" …etc. When your son expresses the feeling behind his anger (e.g., embarrassment or rejection), suggest some other ways to look at the same event that might not be embarrassing or humiliating.

10. Some high-functioning autistic kids get upset when they know they made a mistake. Instead of admitting their mistake, they act out in anger to deflect the attention off of them. If you realize that this might be the case, it's helpful to say to your son, "Everyone makes mistakes. I am okay with it. Don't feel so bad about it."

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 

11. Stop any and all physically aggressive behaviors! Say something like, "I can't let you hurt each other," or "I can't let you hurt me." Then remove Cory as gently as possible.

12. Sometimes an autistic child’s anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in his life. Not all anger is misplaced. Occasionally it's a healthy, natural response to the difficulties that the “special needs” child faces. There is a common belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to the parent’s frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. Thus, the best attitude to bring to such a circumstance is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle the problem as painlessly as possible.

13. Try to establish a home environment that reduces anger and teaches tolerance. For example, you can set a personal example for your son that "big people apologize when they hurt someone” and “it's o.k. to loose and try again.”

14. Simple relaxation tools can help Cory calm down. For example, he can (a) use imagery and visualize a relaxing experience from either his memory or his imagination; (b) slowly repeat a calm word or phrase (e.g., “relax” or “take it easy”) and repeat it to himself; (c) breathe deeply from his diaphragm (however, breathing from the chest won't relax him, so he should picture his breath coming up from the belly).

15. Resist taking Cory’s angry outbursts personally. His motives have more to do with alleviating uncomfortable emotions than with deliberately trying to be “nasty.”

16. One thing that makes many moms and dads angry is to see their youngster challenging their authority and defying them. Sometimes it may appear so, but that may not be the intention of the high-functioning autistic youngster. For example, the child may be too unhappy to be told ‘no’ because he wants something so badly. Of course, you shouldn't give in to your son’s demands, but try to understand what might really be his intention.

17. Many children on the autism spectrum act-out because they simply don’t know how to express their anger any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to express their emotions. To help Cory express his frustrations appropriately, create an “emotion words” poster together (e.g., "Let’s think of all the words we could use that tell others we’re really frustrated"). Then list his ideas (e.g., angry, mad, annoyed, furious, irritated, etc.). Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When Cory is upset, use the words so he can apply them to real life (e.g., "Looks like you’re really frustrated. Want to talk about it?" …or "You seem really annoyed. Do you need to walk it off?"). Then keep adding new feeling words to the list whenever new ones come up in those "teachable moments" throughout the day.

18. Listen, reflect and validate (without judgment) the feelings Cory expresses. After listening, help him identify the true feeling underlying the anger (e.g., hurt, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear, etc.). Say something like, "That hurt when your friend was mean to you," or “It was scary to have those boys bully you.”

19. Involve Cory in making a small list of “house rules” (e.g., we work out differences peacefully, we use self-control, we listen to others, we are kind to each other, etc.). Write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Make the rules clear, and follow through with meaningful consequences that are appropriate for Cory’s age when the rules are ignored.

20. Model responsible anger-control yourself. High-functioning autistic kids have an impaired ability to understand emotion when their parents show a lot of anger. Parents who are most effective in helping their kids manage anger model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings, and by expressing anger in direct and non-aggressive ways.
 

21. Help Cory to understand that anger is a natural emotion that everyone has. Say something like, "It's normal to feel angry. Everyone feels angry from time to time, but it is not O.K. to hurt others."

22. Help your son develop self-regulatory skills. Parents of kids on the spectrum do a lot of “child-regulation work" (i.e., doing things ‘for’ their child rather than ‘with’ their child). This is because parents know that their child has a very limited ability to regulate emotions. As the high-functioning autistic child gets older, parents can gradually transfer control to their child so that he can develop self-regulatory skills.

23. Facilitate communication and problem solving with Cory by asking questions (e.g., How can I help you? What can you do to help yourself? What do you need? Is your behavior helping you solve your problem? …and so on).

24. Encourage Cory to accept responsibility for his anger and to gain control by asking himself the following questions: Did I do or say anything to create the problem? If so, how can I make things better? How can I keep this issue from happening again?

25. Create a “ways to relax” poster. There are dozens of ways to help autistic kids calm down when they first start to get bent out of shape. Unfortunately, most of these “special needs” children have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. Thus, they keep getting into trouble because the only behavior they know is inappropriate ways to express their frustration. So, talk with Cory about more acceptable "replacement behaviors.” Make a big poster listing them (e.g., draw pictures, hit a pillow, listen to music, run a lap, shoot baskets, sing a song, talk to someone, think of a peaceful place, walk away, etc.). Once he chooses a replacement behavior, encourage him to use the same strategy each time he starts to get upset.

26. Encourage your son to “label” his emotions. For example, a permanent record (book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for “anger” (furious, mad, hot, irritated, annoyed), and he can refer to it when discussing angry feelings.

27. Be sure to VALUE what Cory is experiencing. For example, if he is hurt and crying, never say, "Stop crying." Instead, validate his experience by saying something like, "I’m sure that hurts. That would make me cry too." This makes an ally out of you, rather than a target for free-floating anger. As an ally, Cory learns to trust you, realizing you are there for him no matter what. If he can trust you, he can learn to trust himself and the outer world.

28. Acknowledge strong emotions, helping Cory to save face (e.g., say, "It must be hard to get a low score after you tried so hard").

29. All of us exhibit some "signs" just as we begin to get angry. So, it’s actually fairly easy to identify the “anger signs” in a youngster with high-Functioning Autism. For example, you may detect a certain look in the eye, a tone of voice, or a tightness in your child’s body. Thus, your first course of action is to help him observe these signs right at the onset of anger. Once he can identify the early signs of his anger, he can also learn to diffuse it by self-soothing techniques (e.g., walking away, taking full and vigorous breaths, etc.).

30. Lastly, help Cory understand that he can “choose” how to react when he feels angry or frustrated. Teach him self-control and positive ways to cope with negative impulses (e.g., write about feelings, tense body and then relax, tell someone how you feel, play music or sing, look at books or read, hug a pet or a stuffed animal, find a quiet place or sit alone, exercise, draw or play with clay, count slowly, calm self by breathing deeply, etc.).

By using a few of the ideas listed above, you can help strengthen your relationship with your high-functioning autistic youngster and give him the tools he needs to cope effectively with frustration and anger.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
By

Understanding Theory of Mind Deficits in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a complex neurodevelopmental condition that affects how individuals communicate, interact with others, and perceive the world around them. One significant area where children with ASD often face challenges is in the development of what is known as "theory of mind."

Theory of mind refers to the ability to understand that other people have thoughts, beliefs, desires, and intentions that are different from one's own. This cognitive skill is crucial for effective social interaction, as it helps individuals predict and interpret the behavior of others. Typically developing children begin to exhibit signs of theory of mind around the age of 2 to 4 years, demonstrating an understanding that others can have different perspectives.

For many children with ASD, developing a robust theory of mind is particularly challenging. This deficit can manifest in various ways:

1. **Difficulty understanding others' perspectives**: Individuals may struggle to comprehend how others think or feel, often leading to misunderstandings in social situations.

2. **Challenges in recognizing emotions in others**: They might have trouble identifying emotional expressions, such as distinguishing between happiness and sadness or recognizing subtle changes in facial expressions.

3. **Trouble predicting others' thoughts or intentions**: Predicting how someone will react or what they are likely thinking becomes challenging, which can hinder effective communication and interaction.

4. **Impairments in empathy or compassion**: A lack of ability to empathize can result in difficulty connecting with others’ emotional states, making it hard to form deep, caring relationships.

5. **Limited ability to engage in reciprocal conversation**: They may find it challenging to engage in back-and-forth dialogue, often dominating conversations or failing to respond appropriately to others.

6. **Difficulty interpreting social cues and body language**: Non-verbal signs, such as gestures, posture, and eye contact, may go unnoticed, leading to awkward or inappropriate social exchanges.

7. **Trouble understanding sarcasm or humor**: Individuals may take statements literally, struggling to understand when someone is joking or using irony, leading to further social misunderstandings.

8. **Challenges in maintaining friendships or social relationships**: The inability to navigate social norms can result in difficulties in forming and sustaining meaningful social bonds with peers.

9. **Impaired ability to follow social norms or rules**: They may overlook basic social guidelines, such as personal space or appropriate topics for discussion, which can result in uncomfortable encounters.

10. **Limited insight into one's own emotions or behaviors**: Self-awareness may be compromised, making it difficult for them to reflect on their own feelings or the impact of their actions on others.

11. **Difficulty with imaginative play or storytelling**: Engaging in pretend play or crafting narratives may present challenges, as they might struggle to envision scenarios or understand different roles.

12. **Challenges in understanding the concept of false beliefs**: They may have a hard time grasping the idea that others can hold beliefs that differ from reality, which is vital for comprehending many social situations.

13. **Trouble distinguishing between reality and fantasy**: Individuals may find it difficult to understand the difference between what is real and what is imagined, affecting their grasp of social contexts.

14. **Limited understanding of social hierarchies or roles**: They might struggle to navigate structured social environments, such as recognizing authority figures or understanding their own place in a group.

15. **Impairments in recognizing social dynamics in groups**: Observing and interpreting group interactions could be challenging, leading to misinterpretation of social relationships.

16. **Difficulty adapting behavior in different social contexts**: They may not be able to adjust their style of communication or behavior based on the situation, which can lead to inappropriate responses.

17. **Limited ability to infer deeper meanings in social interactions**: Subtext and indirect communication, often critical in social exchanges, may not be understood or appreciated.

18. **Trouble with turn-taking in conversations**: They might have difficulty waiting for their turn to speak, leading to interruptions and frustration among peers.

19. **Impaired ability to share experiences or thoughts**: Expressing feelings or thoughts about personal experiences may be challenging, hindering connections with others.

20. **Challenges in emotional regulation in social settings**: They may have trouble managing emotions in social contexts, such as becoming overly anxious or frustrated.

21. **Difficulty understanding the consequences of one's actions on others**: They might act without considering how their behaviors affect those around them, leading to unintentional harm or discomfort.

22. **Limited ability to ask for help or support from others**: They may struggle to reach out when they need assistance, leading them to manage challenges alone instead of leveraging social support.

23. **Impairments in developing theories about others' mental states**: Individuals may not be able to construct hypotheses about what others know, believe, or desire, making social navigation difficult.

24. **Trouble with conflict resolution and negotiation**: They may not understand how to effectively address disagreements, which can escalate tensions in relationships.

25. **Difficulty in forming and maintaining close relationships**: The combination of these deficits can impede the ability to establish trust and intimacy, resulting in shallow or broken connections.


Now, here are some of the positive aspects of Theory of Mind deficits:

1. **Unique Perspectives**: Individuals with theory of mind deficits may have a different way of perceiving the world, leading to alternative insights that can contribute to diverse viewpoints and problem-solving approaches.

2. **Literal Interpretation**: Taking language and behaviors at face value can lead to clear and honest communication, reducing the potential for misunderstandings that often arise from implied meanings.

3. **Creative Thinking**: A different cognitive style can foster creativity, allowing individuals to think outside conventional frameworks and generate innovative ideas.

4. **Focus on Details**: Without the distraction of social nuances, individuals may excel in tasks requiring attention to detail, enabling them to notice patterns and focus on facts.

5. **Directness**: Social interactions may be more straightforward and less fraught with ambiguity, facilitating honest and transparent exchanges.

6. **Reduced Social Pressure**: With a different understanding of social dynamics, individuals may experience less anxiety in social situations, focusing on their interests and strengths rather than conforming to social norms.

7. **Consistency in Thought**: A lack of preconceptions about how others may react allows for a more consistent and clear thought process, which can be beneficial in various contexts.

8. **Genuine Relationships**: Interactions might be based on authenticity rather than social expectations, leading to more sincere and meaningful connections.

9. **Valuable Contributions**: Unique perspectives can offer valuable contributions to group dynamics, providing alternative solutions and fostering inclusive discussions.

10. **Fostering Empathy in Other Ways**: While traditional empathy may be challenging, individuals can express compassion and kindness through actions rather than through social cues, which can be equally powerful.

11. **Innovation and Problem-Solving**: Different ways of viewing situations can lead to innovative solutions and approaches that others might overlook, driving progress and change.

12. **Focus on Interests and Passions**: Individuals might pursue their interests without being sidetracked by social expectations, leading to deeper expertise and fulfillment.

13. **Resilience and Independence**: Navigating the world differently can cultivate resilience and self-sufficiency, as individuals learn to rely on their strengths and abilities.

14. **Awareness of Limitations**: A different perspective may lead to greater self-awareness regarding one's communication styles, fostering personal growth and understanding.

15. **Encouragement of Acceptance**: Highlighting the value of diverse ways of thinking can promote acceptance and understanding within society, encouraging a culture of inclusivity.


While children with ASD may experience theory of mind deficits, there are many strategies that parents, educators, and therapists can employ to support their development:

- **Modeling Emotions**: Regularly expressing emotions and discussing feelings can help children with ASD learn to recognize and interpret emotional cues in themselves and others.

- **Engaging in Role-Playing**: Activities that involve pretending or role-playing can be beneficial. Encouraging your child to act out different scenarios can foster empathy and understanding of others' perspectives.

- **Reading Social Stories**: Reading books that explain social situations and characters’ thoughts and feelings can help children practice theory of mind skills in a safe and structured way.

- **Encouraging Peer Interaction**: Facilitating playdates or group activities can provide opportunities for children to practice social skills and improve their understanding of others.

- **Therapeutic Interventions**: Professional support from speech therapists, occupational therapists, and psychologists can provide targeted strategies to enhance theory of mind and overall social skills.

While it is common for children with Autism Spectrum Disorder to experience theory of mind deficits, there is hope for growth and development. With the right support and interventions, children can learn to navigate social situations more effectively, fostering deeper connections with their peers and family. By understanding and addressing these challenges, parents and caregivers can play a vital role in their child's journey toward improved social understanding and interaction.


Summary of the deficits:

1. Difficulty understanding others' perspectives

2. Challenges in recognizing emotions in others

3. Trouble predicting others' thoughts or intentions

4. Impairments in empathy or compassion

5. Limited ability to engage in reciprocal conversation

6. Difficulty interpreting social cues and body language

7. Trouble understanding sarcasm or humor

8. Challenges in maintaining friendships or social relationships

9. Impaired ability to follow social norms or rules

10. Limited insight into one's own emotions or behaviors

11. Difficulty with imaginative play or storytelling

12. Challenges in understanding the concept of false beliefs

13. Trouble distinguishing between reality and fantasy

14. Limited understanding of social hierarchies or roles

15. Impairments in recognizing social dynamics in groups

16. Difficulty adapting behavior in different social contexts

17. Limited ability to infer deeper meanings in social interactions

18. Trouble with turn-taking in conversations

19. Impaired ability to share experiences or thoughts

20. Challenges in emotional regulation in social settings

21. Difficulty understanding the consequences of one's actions on others

22. Limited ability to ask for help or support from others

23. Impairments in developing theories about others' mental states

24. Trouble with conflict resolution and negotiation

25. Difficulty in forming and maintaining close relationships.


 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
By

Anger-Control for Kids and Teens on the Autism Spectrum

"I desperately need ideas on how to deal with an autistic child (high functioning) who is often agitated and angered. We rarely know what will trigger him, as it seems to vary widely from situation to situation - and from day to day."

All children experience anger. But, young people with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA), in particular, have difficulty channeling their strong emotions into acceptable outlets.

Anger is a response to a real or perceived loss or stress. It results when an individual’s body, property, self-esteem, or values are threatened. Anger is often a reaction to feeling frustrated, hurt, misunderstood, or rejected. If your youngster does not learn how to release his or her anger appropriately, it can fester and explode in inappropriate ways, or be internalized and damage his or her sense of self-worth.

As a mother or father, dealing with an angry youngster is inevitable. Many of us have heard our own pre-parenting voice whisper to us, saying something like, “That will never be my child acting-out like that” (famous last words). Anger is learned, but so is composure!

As parents, we hope our kids learn to:
  • communicate angry feelings in a positive way
  • express anger nonviolently
  • learn how to avoid being a victim of someone else's angry actions
  • learn how to control angry impulses
  • learn how to problem solve
  • learn how to remove themselves from a violent or angry situation 
  • learn self-calming techniques
  • recognize angry feelings in themselves and others

----------


Below are several crucial techniques to help teach your AS or HFA youngster calmer, more constructive ways to express anger:

1. Acknowledge strong emotions, helping your youngster control herself and save face (e.g., say, "It must be hard to get a low score after you tried so hard").

2. Be sure to VALUE what your youngster is experiencing. For example, if he is hurt and crying, never say, "Stop crying." Instead, validate your youngster's experience by saying something like, "I’m sure that hurts. That would make me cry too." This makes an ally out of you, rather than a target for free-floating anger. As an ally, your youngster learns to trust you, realizing you are there for him no matter what. If your youngster can trust you, he can learn to trust himself and the outer world.

3. Create a “ways to relax” poster. There are dozens of ways to help AS and HFA kids calm down when they first start to get bent out of shape. Unfortunately, most of these young people have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. Thus, they keep getting into trouble because the only behavior they know is inappropriate ways to express their frustration. So, talk with your youngster about more acceptable "replacement behaviors.” Make a big poster listing them (e.g., draw pictures, hit a pillow, listen to music, run a lap, shoot baskets, sing a song, talk to someone, think of a peaceful place, walk away, etc.). Once your youngster chooses her replacement behavior, encourage her to use the same strategy each time she starts to get upset.

4. Encourage your youngster to accept responsibility for his anger and to gain control by asking himself the following questions: Did I do or say anything to create the problem? If so, how can I make things better? How can I keep this issue from happening again?

5. Facilitate communication and problem solving with your AS or HFA youngster by asking questions (e.g., How can I help you? What can you do to help yourself? What do you need? Is your behavior helping you solve your problem?).

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 
6. Help your youngster to understand her own emotions by putting her feelings into words (e.g., say, "It looks like it made you angry when they called you names").

7. Help your youngster to understand that anger is a natural emotion that everyone has. Say something like, "It's normal to feel angry. Everyone feels angry from time to time, but it is not O.K. to hurt others."

8. Involve your youngster in making a small list of “house rules” (e.g., we work out differences peacefully, we use self-control, we listen to others, we are kind to each other, etc.). Write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Make the rules clear, and follow through with meaningful consequences that are appropriate for the age of your youngster when the rules are ignored.

9. Listen, reflect and validate (without judgment) the feelings your youngster expresses. After listening, help him identify the true feeling underlying the anger (e.g., hurt, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear, etc.). Say something like, "That hurt when your friend was mean to you," or “It was scary to have those boys bully you.”

10. Many children on the autism spectrum act-out because they simply don’t know how to express their anger any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to express their emotions. To help your youngster express her frustrations appropriately, create an “emotion words” poster together (e.g., "Let’s think of all the words we could use that tell others we’re really frustrated"). Then list her ideas (e.g., angry, mad, annoyed, furious, irritated, etc.). Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When your youngster is upset, use the words so she can apply them to real life (e.g., "Looks like you’re really frustrated. Want to talk about it?" …or "You seem really annoyed. Do you need to walk it off?"). Then keep adding new feeling words to the list whenever new ones come up in those "teachable moments" throughout the day.


How can children with High-Functioning Autism cope with anger and depression?




11. Resist taking your youngster’s angry outbursts personally. Always deal with him in a calm, objective way.

12. Sometimes a child’s anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in his life. Not all anger is misplaced. Occasionally it's a healthy, natural response to the difficulties that the AS or HFA child faces. There is a common belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to parents’ frustration to find out that this isn't always the case with their “special needs” child. The best attitude to bring to such a circumstance, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle the problem as painlessly as possible.

13. Stop any aggressive behaviors. Say something like, "I can't let you hurt each other," or "I can't let you hurt me." Then remove your youngster as gently as possible.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

14. Teach your AS or HFA youngster to take a time-out from the difficult situation and have some “alone-time” for a few minutes. During the time-out, your youngster can rethink the situation, calm down, and determine what to do next. The length of the time-out is determined by the intensity of the emotion. A youngster who is simply frustrated may just need to take a deep breath. The youngster who is infuriated probably needs to leave the room and settle down. After your youngster has calmed down, it’s time to decide on a more appropriate response to the situation. There are at least 3 positive choices: talk about it, get help, or slow down. Simplifying the choices makes the decision process easier. Even AS and HFA kids can learn to respond constructively to frustration when they know there are just a few choices.  These choices are skills to be learned. Take time to teach your youngster these skills, and practice them as responses to mad feelings.

15. Try a "time-in" rather than a "time-out." As the mother or father, you are your youngster's main guide in life. She relies on you to be there with her through her difficult emotional experiences, whatever that may be. Thus, no time-out and no isolation may be the best option on occasion. Instead, try a "time-in." Sit with your youngster and incorporate other methods mentioned in this article (e.g., work on breathing with her, ask her questions about her feelings, etc.). The important thing is to be fully present with your child to help her through her emotions. Remember, you are teaching her social skills to be in relationships with others, rather than acting out alone. When some boys and girls are isolated, they often ruminate and feel guilty for their behavior. This only serves to create low self-esteem, which often cycles back to creating behavioral problems.

16. Use feeling words to help your AS or HFA youngster understand the emotions of others (e.g., Robbie is sitting alone and looks very sad; he may be lonely," or "When Michael tripped, he looked embarrassed").

17. Use role-playing, puppets, or videos to teach social skills (e.g., how to treat each other, how to work out disagreements, etc.).

18. When your child becomes frustrated, use those incidents as "on-the-spot lessons" to help him learn to calm himself down (rather than always relying on you to calm him down). Let me rephrase this (because this is an important technique): Every time your child acts-out due to low-frustration tolerance, ALWAYS use that moment as a teaching moment. For example, explain to your youngster that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting frustrated. We should listen to these signs, because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your youngster recognize what specific warning signs he may have that tells him he is starting to get angry (e.g., I talk louder, my cheeks get hot, I clench my fists, my heart starts pounding, my mouth gets dry, I breathe faster, etc.).

Once your youngster is aware of his unique warning signs, start pointing them out to him whenever he first starts to get upset (e.g., “It looks like you’re starting to get frustrated" …or "Your cheeks are getting red. Do you feel yourself starting to get upset?"). The more you help your AS or HFA child to recognize the signs when his anger is first triggered, the better he will be able to calm himself down. It’s also the time when anger-control techniques are most effective. Anger escalates very quickly, and waiting until your youngster is already in "melt-down" to try to get him back into control is usually too late.

19. Simple relaxation tools can help your child calm down. For example:
  • Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience from either your memory or your imagination.
  • Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase (“relax” or “take it easy”). Repeat it to yourself.
  • Breathe deeply from your diaphragm (breathing from your chest won't relax you, so picture your breath coming up from your belly).

20. Help your youngster understand that she can “choose” how to react when she feels angry. Teach her self-control and positive ways to cope with negative impulses. Here are some choices she can make:
  • Calm self by breathing deeply
  • Count slowly
  • Draw or play with clay
  • Exercise, walk or run
  • Find a quiet place or sit alone
  • Hug someone, a pet or a stuffed animal 
  • Look at books or read
  • Play music or sing
  • Problem solve
  • Rest or take a shower
  • Stop and think
  • Tell someone how you feel
  • Tense body and then relax 
  • Write about feelings

By following the techniques listed above, parents can help strengthen their relationship with their AS and HFA kids and give them the tools they need to cope effectively with frustration and anger.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

 ==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 ==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book
==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
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