Aspergers Children Who Abuse Their Siblings

Question

How can I help my youngest child age 4 cope with my 12 year old Asperger child’s sneaky aggressive behavior toward him? My four year old loves his older brother but is constantly being manipulated and abused. He does this very sneaky and tries not to get caught.

A typical example: My Asperger child will appear to cuddle with my child on the couch while he's secretly smashing the air out of him until the 4 year old screams. It's hard to watch my loving four year getting hurt every time I turn my back.

Answer

Research reveals that 53 out of every 100 kids abuse a sibling (higher than the percentage of grown-ups who abuse their kids or their spouse). What some children do to their sibling inside the family would be called assault outside the family. 

Here are some important facts related to sibling aggression. Researcher suggests that:

1. A younger sibling who is very aggressive increases an older sibling's level of aggression.
2. An older sibling who is very aggressive increases a younger sibling's chances of being aggressive too.
3. If mothers/fathers show hostility in their family interactions, their kid’s level of aggression increases.
4. Parental hostility related to economic pressures has an impact on kid’s aggression.
5. Just having a sibling influences a youngster's level of aggression.
6. Aggression runs in families.
7. Although parental hostility is a risk factor for childhood aggression, marital conflict between mothers/fathers is not.
8. Other family risk factors that increase the likelihood of childhood aggression are economic pressures, single parenting, violence in the home, and maternal depression.
9. Boys are more physically aggressive in sibling relationships than girls, but girls can be just as aggressive in non-verbal ways.
10. Sister-to-sister relationships have less fighting than brother-to-brother or brother-to-sister combinations.
11. Having a nurturing older sister protects younger kids from becoming aggressive and even protects them from developing substance abuse issues, but having an overly aggressive older brother has the opposite effect.
12. Kids tend to show more aggression toward siblings at younger ages, and then outgrow it.
13. Kids learn how to be aggressive by watching their older brothers/sisters.

As moms and dads, we may be tempted to ignore fighting and quarrelling between kids. We may view these activities as a normal part of growing up. We say, "Boys will be boys" or "They'll grow out of it." However, thousands of adult survivors of sibling abuse tell of the far-reaching negative effects that such unchecked behavior has had on them as kids and grown-ups.

Sibling abuse, as all forms of human abuse, may be sexual, physical, or emotional:

• Sexual abuse includes unwanted touching, indecent exposure, intercourse, rape or sodomy between brother/sister.
• Physical abuse ranges from hitting, biting, and slapping to more life-threatening acts such as choking or shooting with a BB gun.
• Emotional abuse is present in all forms of sibling abuse. It may include teasing, name calling, belittling, ridiculing, intimidating, annoying, and provoking.

Kids often abuse a sibling, usually younger than themselves, to gain power and control. One explanation for this is that the abusive youngster feels powerless, neglected and insecure. He/she may feel strong only in relation to a brother/sister being powerless. The feeling of power kids experience when they mistreat a brother/sister often reinforces their decision to repeat the abuse.

How can you identify normal “sibling rivalry” versus “sibling abuse”? Here are some useful guidelines:

• How does the abused sibling respond? Victims often respond to abuse from a sibling by protecting themselves, screaming and crying, separating themselves from the abuser, abusing a younger sibling in turn, telling their moms and dads, internalizing the abusive message, fighting back, or submitting.
• How often does it happen and how long does it go on? Acceptable behavior that is long and drawn out may become abusive over time.
• Identify the behavior. Isolate it from the emotions associated with it and evaluate it.
• Is the behavior age-appropriate? Remember that generally you should confront fighting and jealousy even if you tend to think it is "normal."
• Is there a victim in the situation? A victim may not want to participate, but may be unable to stop the activity.
• What is the purpose of the behavior? If it tears down another person, it is abusive.

If you suspect abuse, it's important to act quickly to stop it. An effective parental response involves the following steps:

• As a parent, you play a critical role in teaching kids how to mediate disputes without aggression. By setting rules and expectations for how your kids interact with each other, they are more likely to find ways to resolve their differences without aggression throughout their lives.
• Be a good role-model of positive and esteem-building behavior.
• Bring all kids involved into a problem-solving process.
• Figure out alternative solutions to the problem.
• Get enough fact and feeling information to assess the problem accurately.
• Help kids to arrive at a child-set goal (goals set by moms and dads often become rules that kids will not follow).
• How you handle aggression between siblings is critical. A common complaint among kids is, "He started it!" If you continually punish one youngster, and do not properly address issues with another youngster who could be instigating aggressive situations, you will likely breed resentment between siblings that could result in even more aggression. Assuming the older youngster is the aggressor could mean that you are missing a younger child's aggressive impulses and letting them go unchecked.
• Minimize the violence your children see on T.V. and in the movies.
• Reward sensitive, positive behavior among siblings.
• Specify appropriate ways of acting and consequences should abusive behavior occur in the future.
• State and restate the problem to make sure you understand it clearly.
• The most important role you play with your youngster is that of a model for behavior. Your kids are more likely to do as you do, not as you say. If they see that you handle stressful situations by becoming aggressive or belligerent, they will learn this behavior. It is important to be aware of the behaviors you are teaching your youngster. Do you drive aggressively while screaming angry insults at other drivers? Are you rude or aggressively demanding toward others, such as restaurant or other service workers? Your kids learn through these interactions.
• Work together to set up a contract which states the rights and responsibilities of each youngster.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Addressing Self-Harm Behaviors in Children on the Autism Spectrum

"When my daughter (high functioning autistic) gets really upset, she pulls her hair (YANKS IT BY THE HANDFULL!). How can we stop this? Why does she do this? Is this something other parents deal with who have a child on the spectrum?"

Many children on the autism spectrum don’t know how to adequately verbalize their emotions. As a result, they may “act-out” their uncomfortable feelings by self-injuring. To make matters worse, research has found that self-injury is an addictive behavior. When a youngster self-injures, “feel-good” endorphins flood his bloodstream. In many cases, the rush is so pleasing that he learns to view self-injury as soothing instead of destructive.

Self-harm is one of the most devastating behaviors exhibited by children on the autism spectrum. The most common forms of these behaviors include: hand-biting, head-banging, and excessive self-rubbing and scratching. 

There are many possible reasons why a child may engage in self-harm, including the following:

1. Communication problems in children on the autism spectrum have often been associated with self-harm. If the child has poor receptive and/or expressive language skills, this can lead to frustration and escalate to self-harm.

2. Low levels of calcium have been associated with eye-poking behavior. When these “special needs” children are given calcium supplements, eye-poking decreases substantially, and language functioning improves.

3. Moms and dads often report that their youngster's self-harm is a result of frustration (e.g., a child with poor social skills becomes frustrated because of his lack of understanding of group play).



4. Positive attention can increase the frequency of self-harm (i.e., positive reinforcement), whereas ignoring the behavior can decrease the frequency (i.e., extinction).

5. Research on administering drugs to human subjects have indicated that low levels of serotonin or high levels of dopamine are associated with self-harm.

6. Researchers have suggested that the levels of certain neurotransmitters are associated with self-harm. Beta-endorphins are opiate-like substances in the brain, and self-harm may increase the production or the release of endorphins. Thus, the child experiences an anesthesia-like effect and, apparently, he doesn’t feel any pain while engaging in the behavior. In addition, the release of endorphins may provide the child with a euphoric-like feeling.

7. Self-harm has also been associated with seizure activity in the frontal and temporal lobes. Behaviors often associated with seizure activity include: slapping ears or head, scratching face or arms, knee-to-face contact, head-banging, hand-biting, and chin-hitting.

8. Self-harm is also common among several genetic disorders (e.g., Lesch-Nyhan Syndrome, Fragile X Syndrome, Cornelia de Lange Syndrome). Since these disorders are associated with some form of structural damage or biochemical dysfunction, these defects may cause the child to self-injure.

9. Some children engage in head-banging to reduce pain (e.g., middle ear infection, migraine headache, acid reflux and gas, etc.). Also, some children on the spectrum report that certain sounds (e.g., baby crying, vacuum cleaner, etc.) cause pain. In these cases, self-harm releases beta-endorphins that dampen the pain. On the other hand, these children may be “gating” the pain (i.e., stimulating one area of the body via self-injury to reduce the pain located in another area of the body).

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

10. Some children on the autism spectrum engage in self-harm to obtain privileges (e.g., the child may request something, not receive it, and then engage in self-harm). In addition, the behavior may be reinforced if the child should, on occasion, receive the desired privilege.

11. Some children on the spectrum function at a low level of arousal and engage in self-harm to increase their arousal level. In this case, self-harm is an extreme form of self-stimulation. On the other hand, some children on the spectrum function at a very high level of arousal (e.g., anxiety, tension, etc.) and engage in self-harm to reduce their arousal level (i.e., the behavior acts as a release of anxiety).

12. Some children on the spectrum engage in self-harm to avoid an undesirable social encounter (i.e., they engage in self-harm just prior to the social interaction, and as a result, may avoid the social interaction before it begins). Conversely, the child may engage in self-harm to escape a social encounter that has already begun (e.g., the parent may ask her child to leave the play area, but if the child doesn’t want to comply, he may then engage in self-harm, and as a result the parent’s initial request is dropped and attention is then directed at stopping the self-injurious behavior).



So, what can parents and teachers do to address the issue of self-harm in children on the autism spectrum? 

Below are some important considerations and strategies that may mitigate or eliminate these behaviors:

1. Biochemical interventions (e.g., nutritional supplements and drugs) appear to be the treatment of choice for these “special needs” children.

2. Following an episode of self-harm, make note how you attend to your child. Your attention may be positive (e.g., “How can I help you?"), or negative ("Stop that!"). Understand that your child may interpret a negative comment in a positive manner; thus, the behavior will be positively reinforced. In other words, he may continue the unwanted behavior.

3. If the child engages in self-harm because he doesn’t want to meet a parental request or demand, it’s important that parents “follow-through” with their request or demand anyway. If the child should engage in self-harm, parents can continue to make the request during the behavior, or they may direct the child’s attention to stop the behavior – but then present the request again until he complies.

4. If the child engages in self-harm due to “not getting his way,” parents should not give anything to the child during - or following - an episode of self-harm. Consistency is crucial here, because the self-harm behavior will continue even if the child gets what he wants on only some occasions.

5. Put positive and uplifting items in a box that your youngster can use when he gets the urge to self-injure (e.g., a journal, art supplies, upbeat music, photos of friends or his heroes –  anything your youngster finds calming).

6. With respect to over-arousal, self-harm may be observed in arousal-inducing situations (e.g., noisy or brightly lighted rooms).  Also, social interaction may be perceived by the child as very stimulating. If the child is over-aroused, steps should be taken before the self-harm behavior begins to reduce arousal level (e.g., relaxation techniques, deep pressure, vestibular stimulation, removing the child from the stimulating situation, etc.). 

7. With respect to under-arousal, self-harm may be observed when the child is bored or isn’t involved in stimulating tasks. If the child is under-aroused, an increase in activity level can be helpful. In this case, an exercise program can be implemented.





8. Visualizing a serene place is a great way to reduce painful emotions. When you practice positive imagery in front of your youngster, you help him strengthen these skills. For example, talk aloud as you describe a soothing landscape or reflect on positive memories of a place you’ve been to. Use graphic details in your descriptions. 

9. If your child has poor expressive skills, self-harm may occur after he tries to communicate with another person (e.g., by gesture) and the person doesn’t understand or doesn’t respond appropriately. With respect to expressive language, these children should be taught functional communication skills.

10. If your child has poor receptive skills, communication may be the problem if self-harm occurs after someone says something to him. With respect to receptive communication skills, the child may be chronically ill (e.g., headache, nausea, etc.) and may not be able to focus his attention to what was said.  This may be due to food sensitivities. Also, there is evidence that auditory integration training may improve receptive language skills due to better retrieval of information from long-term memory.

11. Help your youngster better understand the types of situations that trigger his negative feelings. For example, if it’s a test coming up at school, a social event, or a doctor’s appointment, talk about how the days leading up to it can feel stressful. This helps your youngster be prepared and have the necessary skills at his disposal. Also, talk about your personal triggers and the healthy strategies YOU use to cope.

12. If your child tends to receive a lot of attention following self-harm behavior, then you should do your best to ignore the behavior. If this isn’t possible because he may seriously injure himself, then minimize contact with him while displaying little facial expression – and don’t approve or disapprove of the behavior. Consistency is crucial here, because self-harm will continue if your child receives intermittent reinforcement (i.e., attention) for the behavior. Having said this, your child should receive attention – but it should not be contingent on self-harm. Instead, give him attention when he doesn’t engage in self-harm.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

13. Many moms and dads of children on the autism spectrum have reported that vitamin B6, calcium, and/or DMG have resulted in dramatic reductions in self-harm behavior. Many parents have also reported reductions in self-harm soon after placing their youngster on a restricted diet (e.g., gluten/casein-free).

14. Nutritional and medical interventions can be implemented to regulate the child’s biochemistry, which in turn may reduce the self-harm behavior.

15. Self-harm behavior may occur sporadically. The child may show signs of illness or appear to be in pain (e.g., from a migraine or middle ear infection) on those days he exhibits self-harm. In this case, check your family history to see if migraines run in the family. Also, your child should have his ears examined and body temperature measured to check for a middle ear infection.

16. Since seizure-induced self-harm is involuntary, parents and teachers may not observe a relationship between the child’s behavior and his environment. But, since stress can trigger a seizure, there may be a relationship between self-harm and stressors in the environment (e.g., too much physical stimulation such as lighting and noise, too much social stimulation such as reprimands and demands).

17. The child can be encouraged to apply safe forms of physical stimulation to those parts of the body he rubs or scratches excessively (e.g., applying a massaging vibrator, rubbing textured objects against the skin, etc.). There is also evidence that placing a topical anesthetic on the injured area reduces self-harm behavior.

18. When self-harm is associated with a biochemical abnormality, there may be little or no relationship between the child’s environment and self-harm. Therefore, the behavior may occur in various settings and around different people. But, self-harm may occur less frequently in situations in which the child’s behavior is incompatible with self-harm (e.g., playing, eating, working on a task, etc.).

19. As you work with your child to address self-harm, know that setbacks are “normal.” Stopping self-harming behavior isn’t easy, and it’ll take time. Your youngster will experience some obstacles along the way that will slow the process down. The best approach if a setback does occur is to offer nonjudgmental support. Shame, criticism, or over-reaction when moms and dads see a wound usually causes children to withdraw back into self-harming behaviors.

20. If after working with your child, you still notice signs of self-harm, take him to a professional for an assessment. The professional will determine whether self-harm is suicidal or non-suicidal by administering a suicide assessment. He or she will also ascertain if other concerns are present.

Self-harm can usually be controlled in most situations. But, it’s important to understand that there are many different reasons why children on the autism spectrum engage in this behavior. It’s also possible that one form of self-harm may serve more than one function (e.g., the child may engage in head-banging when he is unable to communicate his needs – AND when he doesn’t get what he wants).

Based on observational data collected by the parent or teacher, the possible reasons for the behavior should be ranked-ordered, from most likely to least likely. This rank-ordering can then determine the order in which different interventions are implemented. By carefully examining the child’s behavior, parents and teachers can make a reasonable deduction regarding the appropriate intervention.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Symptoms of Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism that "Look Like" Misbehavior

As parents of children on the autism spectrum know, there are a multitude of symptoms: 

• physical (e.g., fine and gross motor skills deficits, sensory sensitivities),
• mental (e.g., attention difficulties),
• emotional (e.g., shutdowns, meltdowns, obsessions),
• and social (e.g., problems reading nonverbal language, difficulty understanding sarcasm).

However, sometimes it becomes extremely difficult for parents to differentiate between (a) behavior problems and (b) symptoms of the disorder that "look like" behavior problems. For example, the Asperger's or high-functioning autistic child who has an allergy or food sensitivity may be cranky during periods of the day. The child who finds it difficult to transition from one activity to the next may experience a meltdown. The child who has difficulty waiting his turn may throw a tantrum. Thus, we need to learn how to adjust our parenting strategies accordingly. 

Sometimes, a consequence for misbehavior is indeed warranted. Other times, the "misbehavior" may be the result of something that stresses the child to the point of acting-out his emotions, because he has not learned any other way to cope with the problem in question (yet).

Any of the following symptoms can result in a behavior pattern that "looks like" intentional misbehavior (or a disrespectful attitude):

1. Allergies and food sensitivities
2. Appearance of hearing problems (but hearing has been checked and is fine)
3. Can become overwhelmed with too much verbal direction
4. Causes injury to self (e.g., biting, banging head)
5. Difficulty attending to some tasks
6. Difficulty changing from one floor surface to another (e.g., carpet to wood, sidewalk to grass)
7. Difficulty maintaining friendships
8. Difficulty moving through a space (e.g., bumps into objects or people)
9. Difficulty reading facial expressions and body language
10. Difficulty sensing time (e.g., knowing how long 5 minutes is or 3 days or a month)
11. Difficulty transferring skills from one area to another
12. Difficulty transitioning from one activity to another
13. Difficulty understanding directional terms (e.g., front, back, before, after) 
14. Difficulty understanding group interactions
15. Difficulty understanding jokes, figures of speech or sarcasm
16. Difficulty understanding the rules of conversation
17. Difficulty waiting for their turn (e.g., standing in line)
18. Difficulty with fine motor activities (e.g., coloring, printing, using scissors, gluing)
19. Difficulty with reading comprehension (e.g., can quote an answer, but unable to predict, summarize or find symbolism)
20. Does not generally share observations or experiences with others
21. Exceptionally high skills in some areas -- and very low in others
22. Experience sensitivity - or lack of sensitivity - to sounds, textures, tastes, smells or light
23. Extreme fear for no apparent reason
24. Feels the need to fix or rearrange things
25. Fine motor skills are developmentally behind peers (e.g., hand writing, tying shoes, using scissors, etc.)
26. Gross motor skills are developmentally behind peers (e.g., riding a bike, skating, running)
27. Has an intolerance to certain food textures, food colors, or the way food is presented on the plate (e.g., one food can’t touch another)
28. Has an unusually high - or low - pain tolerance
29. Inability to perceive potentially dangerous situations
30. Irregular sleep patterns
31. Makes honest, but inappropriate observations
32. Makes verbal sounds while listening (i.e., echolalia)
33. May need to be left alone to release tension and frustration
34. Meltdowns
35. Minimal acknowledgement of others
36. Obsessions with objects, ideas or desires
37. Odd or unnatural posture (e.g., rigid or floppy)
38. Often experiences difficulty with loud or sudden sounds
39. Overly trusting or unable to read the motives behinds peoples’ actions
40. Perfectionism in certain areas
41. Play is often repetitive
42. Prefers to be alone, aloof or overly-friendly
43. Resistance - or inability - to follow directions
44. Resistance to being held or touched
45. Responds to social interactions, but does not initiate them
46. Ritualistic or compulsive behavior patterns (e.g., sniffing, licking, watching objects fall, flapping arms, spinning, rocking, humming, tapping, sucking, rubbing clothes)
47. Seems unable to understand another’s feelings
48. Seizure activity
49. Short attention span for most lessons
50. Speech is abnormally loud or quiet
51. Talks excessively about one or two topics (e.g., dinosaurs, movies, etc.)
52. Tends to either tune out - or break down - when being reprimanded
53. Tends to get too close when speaking to someone (i.e., lack of personal space)
54. Transitioning from one activity to another is difficult
55. Unaware of/disinterested in what is going on around them
56. Uses a person’s name excessively when speaking to them
57. Usually resists change in their environment (e.g., people, places, objects)
58. Verbal outbursts
59. Very little or no eye contact

Your child's behavior is observable and measurable (i.e., any action that can be seen or heard). An effective method of examining his or her behavior is the ABC model:

A=Antecedent: The event occurring before a behavior (the event prompts a certain behavior)

B=Behavior:  Response to the events that can be seen or heard

C=Consequence: The event that follows the behavior, which effects whether the behavior will occur again (when the behavior is followed by an unpleasant consequence, it is less likely to reoccur; when the behavior is followed by a pleasant consequence, it is more likely to reoccur)

Let’s look at a simple example of how the ABC model works:

Your child is throwing a temper tantrum because he wants your attention.  If you respond to the tantrum (whether to comfort or scold), your child's misbehavior is being rewarded by your reaction (even though it’s a negative reaction).  Thus, in this situation, it would be best if you waited for the tantrum to stop, and then reward (i.e., reinforce) the calm behavior verbally (e.g., “I like how quiet you are being right now”).  In this way, your child learns that he can gain the your attention through more appropriate behavior.

When using the ABC model, always remember that your child is not an experiment, rather he is an individual capable of changing unwanted behavior - when offered the correct means to do so. It's your job to focus on the behavior you would like to increase or decrease. The more you learn about behavior modification techniques, the more tools you will possess to help shape and promote the behavior you want to see more often in your child.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Learning Your Child’s “Triggers”: Help for Destructive Behavior in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

"We are in need of some strategies to curb our son's destructive behaviors, which usually vacillates between periods of being quiet and withdrawn to periods of full out tantrumming (yelling, throwing things)."

Destructive behavior (e.g., hitting and kicking, throwing objects, damaging property, screaming, etc.) is common in some kids with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism (HFA). This type of behavior can be disturbing and possibly dangerous, and requires a specific parenting approach as well as additional supervision to ensure the safety of everyone involved. 

 

Since children on the spectrum do not respond well to traditional disciplinary strategies, parents must come up with an approach that doesn't accidentally reward unwanted behavior.

While the disorder is incurable, learning and development is possible with the proper treatment and education. Moms and dads should embrace early intervention opportunities whenever possible, as these can help kids develop strategies for dealing with some of the more challenging behaviors associated with Aspergers and HFA. In addition to developing coping mechanisms for destructive behavior, early intervention can help provide a greater degree of independence as these youngsters get older.



Kids on the autism spectrum generally have specific “triggers” that signal danger or disruption to their feelings of comfort and security. These young people tend to develop their own “cues” in response to these trigger events (i.e., warning signals that parents can “read” to understand that the youngster is having difficulty).  These cues may include any of the following:

• becoming quiet or withdrawn
• changes in speech patterns
• complaining
• exhibiting a fear or avoidance response
• facial expressions
• feeling ill
• getting irritable
• nervous tics
• sweating

When parents anticipate these triggers or observe these cues, they should provide assurance, support and attention as quickly as possible. If parents miss these cues, kids on the spectrum may escalate their behavior to a point where they completely lose control.  

 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Because parents and teachers see kids in different situations, it is essential that they work together to share information about triggers and cues. This is best done on a regular basis (e.g., during the IEP meeting or a periodic review meeting) rather than in response to a crisis. However, when a crisis does occur, those who work with the youngster should meet to briefly discuss specific concerns and how to best address his/her needs in the current situation.

Tips for reducing and eliminating destructive behavior in children on the autism spectrum:

1. Aspergers and HFA kids have difficulties with social skills and self-management, and will need instruction in anger-control, tolerance of individual differences, and self-monitoring.

2. Children with the disorder interpret very literally; therefore, moms and dads need to choose their words carefully to insure their youngster will not misinterpret what they are trying to get across.

3. Consider changing your child’s diet. A gluten-free/casein-free diet is a popular diet for aggressive kids on the spectrum. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, rye, barley and some oats, and casein is a protein found in milk.

4. Eliminate sensory issues. If your youngster has sensory issues that are overwhelming, he can become aggressive. Loud noises, bright lights, lots of people, and irritating touches often cause problems for some of these young people An occupational therapist can help by doing a Sensory Profile to determine if your youngster has any sensory defensiveness.

5. Food allergies are an often overlooked cause of destructive behavior. Some children may have red ears, red cheeks, or dark circles under their eyes. These are often signs of food allergies. Some of the symptoms associated with food allergies are headaches, tantrums, feelings of nausea, difficulty concentrating, and stomach aches. As a result, the youngster is less tolerant of others and is more likely to act out. Since many of these kids also have poor communication skills, parents may not be aware that their son or daughter is not feeling well. The youngster should be tested if food allergies are suspected. If the child tests positive for certain foods, then these products should be eliminated from the diet.




6. Give your child the opportunity and space to calm down when he’s upset. If he needs to release some physical energy, find some non-destructive activities he can engage in.

7. Let your youngster know he can count in his head until the negative feeling goes away. This will help him realize that eventually the feeling does start to alleviate on its own, even if he doesn’t act on it.

8. Make sure your youngster understands that, while you understand he gets frustrated sometimes, destroying property is not acceptable – not in your home, or in the rest of the world either. Be clear in your expectations and what the consequences will be if he does destroy property.

9. Many children with the disorder can be helped to comprehend behavior they observe - but poorly understand - through the use of “social stories.” The parent’s explanation of what is happening can be reduced to a social story. A storybook can then be kept by the youngster to help reinforce the information on a concrete, basic level. 

 

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

10. Many parents are giving their autistic kids safe nutritional supplements, such as Vitamin B6 with magnesium and Di-methyl-glycine (DMG). Nearly half have reported a reduction in behavioral problems as well as improvements in their youngster’s general well-being.

11. Moms and dads often feel furious when their youngster damages or destroys property. This is understandable. Property destruction is a personal violation, and it hurts to have a son or daughter treat something that you’ve worked hard for with such little respect. But, once you make up my mind that you will hold your child accountable for anything he purposely destroys, making sure he pays for things by controlling the money you usually chose to spend on him, you won’t feel as angry. You will be able to respond more calmly, because you know he will be held accountable. And once he learns that he pays for the damages, it may only take a few times for him to choose to handle things differently.

12. Often times, a behavior problem is a reaction to a request or demand made by parents. The child may have learned that he can escape or avoid such situations (e.g., doing chores or homework) by acting out. A functional assessment of the child’s behavior (i.e., antecedents, consequences, context of the behavior) may reveal certain relationships between the behavior and the function the behavior serves. If avoidance is the function the behavior serves, parents should follow through with all requests and demands they make to the child. If the child is able to escape or avoid such situations, even only some of the time, the behavior problem will likely continue.

13. Remember that any change in routine may result in emotional or behavioral upset. If the youngster’s environment must be changed (e.g., the absence of a parent), try to maintain as much of the normal routine as possible (e.g., meals, play, bedtime) in the new environment.  In addition, try to bring concrete elements from the youngster’s more routine environment (e.g., a toy, blanket, game, etc.) into the new environment to maintain some degree of “sameness” or constancy.

14. Some kids break their own things when they’re upset or angry. If your youngster gets angry, throws his iPad and it breaks, the natural consequence is that he no longer has an iPad. Don’t buy him a new one!

15. Talk with your youngster during a calm moment about things he can do instead of breaking things when he gets upset.

16. Teach your youngster to use journaling, music, drawing, clay, or any other non-destructive activity he might be interested in to release feelings.

17. Try behavior intervention. Behavior specialists work with kids who have difficult and aggressive behaviors. They observe them in their environments to determine the underlying cause of the behaviors.

18. Your job as a mother or father is to prepare your youngster for the “real world.” In the real world, if you destroy property, there are consequences (e.g., financial, legal, etc.). You want to respond to your youngster’s destructive behavior in a way that leaves no doubt about what he will experience should he engage in this behavior outside your home.

19. It is important to consider the child’s level of arousal when formulating a strategy to treat behavioral problems:

• Over-arousal. Sometimes behavioral problems occur when the child is overly-excited. This can occur when the child is anxious and/or when there is too much stimulation in the environment. In these cases, treatment should be aimed at calming the child.
• Under-arousal. Behavioral problems may be due to a low level of arousal, such as when the child is passive or bored. Behaviors such as aggression and destructiveness may be exciting, and thus appealing to some of these kids. If parents suspect behavior problems are due to under-arousal, the child should be kept busy or active.

20. If all else fails, it may be necessary to try medication to reduce destructive behavior. Discuss medication with your youngster’s doctor, neurologist or behavior specialist. Determine as a team the best approach to treating him with the proper medication. Keep in mind that medication is not necessarily permanent, and if it doesn't work, just stop it.

 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

 

 

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... After many years and many different approaches, my 16 year old son with aspergers is finally learning to use words instead of fists! It isn't always perfect, but it is so much better.
•    Anonymous said... And DMG if others have had success. Son take 3meds but would like to think there is hope he could ween off prescription meds and with the therapy he is receiving g and maturation.....he could get by with less Rx' s.
•    Anonymous said... Curious...why the B6? Has anyone tried that, with positive results?
•    Anonymous said... Ditto everything Ms Musgrave said. Our 17 yr old was diagnosed at age 13-14, and now seems to be on a better path after yrs of anxiety and stress on both him and I. Would also be curious about the B6 and
•    Anonymous said... I have tried B6 with my son and it gave my son horrible nightmares to the point he would keep himself awake. I researched the vitamin to find out that it is actually a normal reaction. Everyone is different, I know this, but I want to give a heads up to anyone wanting to try it.
•    Anonymous said... It is so true about the disciplinary actions that parents try to enforce. They often work on other siblings, but when it comes to an Asperger child you are pretty much at a loss. Some people often say, well have you done this or try this. I know they think they are trying to help, but unless you have an Asperger child, you have no idea what parents go through every single day. School is a another story...most teachers don't know what to do with an Aspergers child, some have never heard of Aspergers Syndrome. So we battle with the education portion of trying to teach teachers about Aspergers and how Aspergers children respond and act about different things and also dealing with other students that have no idea what's going on. We have three very special boys, one is just extra special. Just a day in the Musgrave life...just keep praying.
•    Anonymous said... So important
•    Anonymous said... Will has ADHD and is doing so much better now. Much more comfortable in himself. That is a big adjustment too.

Post your comment below…

Violent Children on the Spectrum: What Parents and Teachers Can Do

Question

I am a special education teacher. I have an autistic (high functioning) student that hits impulsively. We have tried behavior modification, social stories, sensory exercises, and music therapy. She will say what she did was wrong and we will role play the correct behavior. She still hits and is getting in a lot of trouble. There is no pattern or functional cause. I want to help her but am running out of ideas. Does you have any suggestions??

Answer

There is a great concern about the incidence of violent behavior among kids and teens with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's (AS). This complex and troubling issue needs to be carefully understood by parents, educators, and other grown-ups. HFA and AS kids as young as preschoolers can show violent behavior. Moms and dads and other adults who witness the behavior may be concerned; however, they often hope that the young child will "grow out of it." Violent behavior in a youngster at any age always needs to be taken seriously. It should not be quickly dismissed as "just a phase they're going through!"

Faced with a world in which they find it difficult to interact socially, communicate clearly, and control their own behavior, kids on the autism spectrum sometimes respond with aggressive behavior. Aggression - physical and verbal - is a common characteristic of the disorder, and can be directed toward inanimate objects, moms and dads and other family members, educators, peers, and even toward the youngster herself. An observant parent or teacher can take practical steps to soothe and redirect a violent youngster.

Range of Aggressive Behavior—

Violent behavior in kids and adolescents with the disorder can include a wide range of behaviors. Kids who exhibit aggressive behavior intend to deliberately hurt others. Aggression can manifest in a number of ways including:

• biting
• cruelty toward animals
• destroying public or personal property
• explosive temper tantrums
• fighting
• fire setting
• hitting
• kicking
• pushing
• spitting
• threats to hurt others (including homicidal thoughts)
• throwing objects
• use of weapons

Factors Which Increase Risk of Aggressive Behavior—

Numerous research studies have concluded that a complex interaction or combination of factors leads to an increased risk of violent behavior in HFA/AS kids and adolescents. These factors include:

• being the victim of physical abuse and/or sexual abuse
• brain damage from head injury
• combination of stressful family socioeconomic factors (poverty, severe deprivation, marital breakup, single parenting, unemployment, loss of support from extended family)
• emotional problems
• exposure to violence in media (TV, movies, etc.)
• exposure to violence in the home or community
• frustration
• genetic (family heredity) factors
• limited communication or problem solving skills
• low self esteem
• presence of firearms in home
• previous aggressive or violent behavior
• spending time with peers who are aggressive
• stress
• temperament
• use of drugs and/or alcohol

What are the "red flags" for aggressive behavior in kids?

Kids on the spectrum who have several risk factors and show the following behaviors should be carefully evaluated by a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist:

• Becoming easily frustrated
• Extreme impulsiveness
• Extreme irritability
• Frequent loss of temper or meltdowns
• Intense anger

Moms and dads and educators should be careful not to minimize these behaviors in kids.

What can be done if a youngster shows aggressive behavior?

Whenever a mother/father or other adult is concerned, they should immediately arrange for a comprehensive evaluation by a qualified mental health professional. Early treatment by a professional can often help. The goals of treatment typically focus on helping the youngster to:

• accept consequences
• be responsible for his/her actions
• express anger and frustrations in appropriate ways
• learn how to control his/her anger

In addition, family conflicts, school problems, and community issues must be addressed.

Can anything prevent aggressive behavior in this population?

Research studies have shown that much violent behavior can be decreased or even prevented if the above risk factors are significantly reduced or eliminated. Most importantly, efforts should be directed at dramatically decreasing the exposure of kids and adolescents to violence in the home, community, and through the media. Clearly, violence leads to violence.

In addition, the following strategies can lessen or prevent violent behavior:

• Early intervention programs for violent youngsters
• Monitoring the child's viewing of violence on TV/videos/movies
• Prevention of child abuse (use of programs such as parent training, family support programs, etc.)
• Sex education and parenting programs for adolescents

Treatment—

To be effective, treatment approaches for aggressive children need to take these factors into account:

• ‘Me against the world’ attitude. Kids who become aggressive have often learned to see the world as a cold and hostile place. They develop a habit of thought that attributes hostile intentions to others. This attitude leaves them little choice but to fight virtually all the time. If, for example, another youngster bumps up against them in the hallway at school, they immediately take offense, certain that they were attacked. They cannot imagine that perhaps the bumping was just clumsiness on the other youngster's part or an attempt to tease that really wasn't hostile.

• Always the victim. Even while they are the aggressors, aggressive children almost always think of themselves as victims--of unfair educators, of other bullies, of prejudice--and believe that their aggressive acts are therefore totally justified.

• Distorted thinking. Aggressive kids come to believe that overpowering another child is a mark of strength and worth, and that violence is a legitimate way to resolve conflict. Popular media support this idea, with wrestlers who pound their opponents without mercy and so-called action heroes who slaughter foes by the truckload. For good or bad, the government unwittingly encourages the idea that "might makes right" when it engages in shows of strength celebrating the Army and police. Aggressive kids needn't look far for evidence that force is what really counts.

• Never safe. The violent youngster sees the world as an unsafe place in which there are only victims and victimizers, so he (unconsciously) chooses to be one of the latter. The power and delight he takes in hurting others, in combination with his already numbed emotions, can make for a lethal mixture.

• Self-esteem. For some kids, violence toward other kids may be a powerful source of self-esteem, particularly if they lack other confirmation of their human worth. In many cases, the problem is not lack of self-esteem as much as lack of self-esteem related to positive, peaceful accomplishments.

• The loss of empathy. Aggressive kids often don't even recognize (much less feel) the suffering of others. Empathy develops early in infancy. Most nine-month-old infants register concern if they see their moms and dads crying, for example. Kids who have been emotionally traumatized learn to protect themselves from further emotional damage by shutting off their own feelings along with any empathic feelings they might have for others.

Specific Strategies for Parents and Teachers—

• Acknowledge your child’s feelings while setting boundaries. Maintain eye contact with your youngster and find ways to help him verbalize his anger. Let him know that it’s okay to be angry but hurting others in not acceptable behavior. You can say, "I understand that you’re angry but I expect you to (state the boundary)."

• Acknowledge your role. When one youngster is acting out, the family will blame him for the family's dysfunction. Oftentimes, you will see a family that will present a disruptive youngster for treatment ... this is the sacrificial lamb for the family's toxicity. Parents need to examine their own behavior, and if need be, the entire family should seek counseling.

• Be selective about the types of television programs your kids watch. Don’t let them view shows that depict violence as humorous, or as a way to deal with problems.

• Clearly State Expectations. Power struggles will be reduced when the youngster knows what is expected of him.

• Don't get into a power struggle with a youngster. Sometimes aggressive kids know that if they struggle long enough with their parents (e.g., yelling, screaming, throwing temper tantrums in a crowded store, etc.), they will get their way. Be firm in disciplining your youngster and let them know that there boundaries that they have to observe.

• Evaluate Outside Influences. If aggressive behavior has developed suddenly or has gotten worse over time, then find out if the youngster has a food allergy. Other factors to consider are environmental conditions, change in medication or a change in the home or school setting. Some drugs cause aggression. Seasonal or food allergies can cause discomfort that the youngster can't describe, leading to extreme behavior.

• Every youngster has currency. Use it! There's not a youngster born that doesn't have currency, whether it's toys, clothes, games, or television. Access to this "currency" needs to be contingent upon proper behavior (e.g., if a youngster throws a temper tantrum in a crowded store, he should not be rewarded with a toy or a coloring book). He needs to (a) understand the consequences of his behavior, (b) be able to predict the consequences of his actions with 100% accuracy.

• Identify Triggers to Aggression. Sometimes violent outbursts are predictable. For example, does wearing a warm winter sweater cause him to become angry? Maybe the fabric feels uncomfortable against his skin, or the smell of the drier sheet is offensive to him. Examine every component of a situation that seems to trigger aggressive actions and making adjustments.

• If you know that your child is prone to frequent aggressive outbursts, always be prepared to avert trouble by sticking close by when he is playing with others.

• Maintain a unified front. Sometimes aggressive kids know that if they engage in "divide and conquer" tactics with their parents, they will be able to get their way. If you're together, if you're unified and if you're there for each other, then all of a sudden there's strength in numbers.

• Make sure that your kids have opportunities to expend excess energy by getting plenty of physical activity each day.

• Obtain a proper diagnosis from a psychologist. Many times, mothers/fathers are quick to make evaluations of their kid's unruly behavior, such as blaming aggressiveness on ADHD, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Parents need to revisit their evaluations, because a youngster's violence may be stemming from other issues. Don't make judgments until you get to the root of the problem.

• One of the best ways to teach your youngster nonviolence is to control your own temper. If you express your anger in quiet, peaceful ways, he’ll probably follow your example.

• Reduce Stress. Sometimes stress over not being able to verbalize frustration causes aggressive behavior. If a youngster is angry that he can't button his coat, but is unable to describe how he feels about lacking that skill, he could act out inappropriately. Examining the root problem and addressing it may help to curb angry behavior. Calm reactions on the part of the parent or teacher are important here.

• Remove kids from the stimulant that triggers violent outbursts.

• Seek a Doctor's Advice. Medication may be needed, especially if the youngster's behavior is hazardous to him or those around him. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has not approved a medication specifically for HFA or AS. But some drugs used to treat other conditions have been shown to be useful in treating young people with an autism spectrum disorder. A health care professional can help you determine whether medication will be helpful for your aggressive youngster.

• Simplify the Environment. Arrange furniture in a sensible way for the youngster so that he can easily maneuver through rooms. If a youngster often tries to escape through a certain door, change the path of the room so that he is unlikely to go near that door. Keep surfaces clear, taking special care to place breakables and dangerous or messy items out of reach. Organize and structure the youngster's living space to minimize frustration. Again, labels can help the youngster understand where things belong and make him less likely to become overwhelmed or anxious. Restrict access to items that tend to cause power struggles.

• Since kids tend to repeat behaviors that are reinforced, it is important for you to provide them with consistent, positive attention for behaviors that are acceptable.

• Stop being intimidated by your youngster. Many moms and dads are afraid to discipline an unruly youngster for fear that their youngster will hate them for being an authority figure. Your youngster doesn't have to like you or even love you, but he does have to respect the parent-youngster relationship and realize that there will be consequences for negative actions. Recognize that you don't have to be your youngster's friend, but you do have to be his parent.

• Your surroundings can set the tone for calm or chaos. So minimize stress levels in the immediate environment.

Pharmacologic Treatment of Aggression—

Medications are frequently used in the management of aggression, and current psychopharmacologic treatment strategies involve treating aggression as part of each particular syndrome.

• Antidepressants— Antidepressants reduce fear, irritability, and anxiety, emotions that are in the same spectrum as agitation. Current findings point to decreases in negative mood and aggressive attacks, as well as positive changes in personality traits after antidepressant treatment.

• Antipsychotics— Antipsychotic medications are not recommended for people who do not have a psychotic or bipolar disorder. Lorazepam or another nonspecific sedating agent is preferred.

• Benzodiazepines— Lorazepam is a good choice to treat acute agitation or aggression, particularly when the cause is not clear. Benzodiazepines also have a risk for abuse, and therefore should not be used on a regular basis.

• Beta Blockers— Beta-adrenergic blockers, especially propranolol, have been used to treat aggressive behavior in a number of diagnoses, including autism.

• Mood Stabilizers— Mood stabilizers are primarily used for the treatment of bipolar disorder and as an adjunct treatment for schizophrenia. They are also used to treat aggression, although they are not prototypical for this purpose.

Before prescribing medication for aggression, the clinician should ensure that the child or adolescent has a medical evaluation to rule out contraindications to treatment and to determine whether the aggressive symptoms might improve without the use of drugs (e.g., cognitive-behavioral therapy). Psychiatric evaluation is also necessary to determine whether depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or other problems are present. Treatment of these conditions may also result in reduced symptoms of aggression.

==> Preventing Aggressive Behavior in Aspergers and HFA Children

How to Create a Behavioral Management Plan for Aspergers and HFA Children

Behavior problems are often observed in kids with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism. Negative behavioral outbursts are most frequently related to frustration, being thwarted, or difficulties in compliance when a particularly rigid response pattern has been challenged or interrupted. Oppositional behavior is sometimes found when areas of rigidity are challenged.

First, attempt to analyze the “communicative intent” of the negative behavior. A harsh, punitive approach to negative behavior is especially ill-advised when the child’s negative behavior was his attempt to communicate his feelings.

Example Positive Behavior Support Plan

1. Issues impacting behavior are:

• aggression 
• attention-seeking 
• excessive “dawdling” whenever parent requests a task to be completed 
• no internal regulatory “sensors” to move forward while experiencing tasks too demanding or difficult 
• non-compliance 
• possible abusive verbal outbursts 
• unable/unwilling to complete chores/tasks

2. Estimate of current severity of behavior problem: moderate to serious

3. Current frequency/intensity/duration of behavior: 3-4 times/week to multiple times/day; lasts a few seconds for aggression, a few minutes to a few hours for non-compliance

4. Current predictors for behaviors:

• being misunderstood 
• challenging task 
• entering into a new social situation 
• feelings of rejection 
• inability to express himself 
• not understanding task or instruction 
• sensory challenges 
• uncomfortable emotional state (e.g. anxiety, embarrassment, shame, anger, frustration)

5. What should child do instead of this behavior:

• complete tasks/chores with appropriate attempts to seek help when needed 
• participate in activity/conversation in context 
• use socially and situationally acceptable strategies for calming himself 
• verbally express difficulties and feelings appropriately

6. What supports the child using the problem behavior:

• attention for inappropriate behaviors 
• escape from demands 
• return of control 
• sensory stimulation (sometimes in the form of confrontation or power struggles)

7. Behavioral Goals/Objectives related to this plan:

• compliance 
• development of age and context appropriate social skills 
• coping skills and self-monitoring 
• increased tolerance to frustration 
• sensory stimulation and challenging tasks/chores 
• staying on task 
• development of positive replacement behaviors

8. Parenting Strategies for new behavior instruction:

• check for understanding of directions/expectations 
• consistent encouragement to express difficulties 
• discuss rules/consequences in advance and ensure comprehension 
• immediately reinforce all appropriate attempts at communication and other appropriate behaviors 
• model appropriate behaviors 
• proactive and periodic checking for understanding and issues 
• probe to understand root causes of problem behaviors 
• role play challenging situations 
• validate feelings and offer alternative replacement behaviors in the form of limited choices

9. Environmental structure and supports:

• anticipate predictors of behavior and avoid or prepare for intervention 
• avoid confrontation through calmness, choices, negotiation 
• designate a “safe place” to calm down (not for punishment) 
• reduce distractions 
• set up situations for success

10. Reinforcers/rewards:

• immediately reward appropriate behaviors with smiles, verbal praise, thumbs up, pat on the back for sitting quietly 
• positive report to other parent 
• standard aversive disciplinary techniques (e.g., red cards, punishment time-outs, citations) are ineffective and will not be used 
• video-game time for work completed

11. Reactive strategy to employ if behavior occurs again:

• offer “safe place” to calm down 
• offer limited choices 
• validate feelings

12. Monitoring results and communication:

• discuss results of plan 
• ensure consistency 
• make any necessary changes

Click for more ==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Aspergers and HFA Children

Follow-up Question:

My daughter is 5 years old and was diagnosed with PDD-NOS last December. My husband and I have known "something" wasn't right pretty much from the start as a baby. However, we aren't entirely convinced if she has PDD-NOS, high functioning autism, aspergers, ADHD, or a combination of them. Based on her behaviour and the multitude of tests and profiles we've filled out, we feel that she had 75% ADHD (hyperactive, and especially no impulse control) and 25% high functioning autism or aspergers (same thing?).

From a medical perspective, she has been tested for thyroid issues and diabetes (as her behaviour gets worse when she has low blood sugar) but both were fine. She hasn't been tested for allergies, but we did have her on a dairy/gluten free diet for about 2 weeks and she was amazing the first week (a different child), but regressed the second week. The diet was tough to do, so we stopped it, but we're still considering putting her back on it for a longer period of time. The positive change in her was too significant, and too well timed to be a coincidence.

Her main symptoms are no impulse control, doesn't recognize clear danger (will bolt into traffic or walk away with any stranger), talks excessively and loudly, interupts her parents talking constantly, defiant to her parents (not her teachers), frequently cranky/unhappy, has both tantrums and meltdowns frequently, has much difficulty in transitioning from one activity to another, and sensitive to sensory overload (loud noises and bright lights). She also has what I'm told is a "stim" - since she was about 1 years old, she will squeeze her arms together in a hugging action when excited or happy. She also will often line up toys. She is quite hyper-active, although she can focus at length on activities that she enjoys (crafts, puzzles, etc). Also, while she can look you in the eye for more than 2 seconds, it doesn't happen often. I don't know if this is from an autistic origin, or if she's just hyperactive and unfocused. She has been diagnosed as needing some speech therapy for issues with not using pronouns correctly and the past tense, and from describing the story in a picture kind of like a memory instead of using descriptive words. She has had some speech therapy, but now they are mainly focusing on her ability to read and understand social cues from the other kids, and respond accordingly. Where she doesn't fit the autism diagnosis is that she is extremely outgoing and sociable, she will point and look where pointed to, she will mimic (although she doesn't play pretend with her dolls or anything that much), and she has excellent gross and fine motor skills.

From a treatment persepctive, she is receiving 1 hr/week of speech therapy in the classroom, attends 2 days per week pre-school, and we are working with a child psychologist about once every 3 weeks. The psychologist has helped us with parenting strategies, including child focused play and using social stories (which are helping). We have an appointment with a pediatrician who specialises in autimsm, PDD, adhd in July, as we are hoping for a second opinion on the diagnosis.

OK, so enough history! My question to you is about a key issue that is causing much angst and strife in our family. Whenever we are together as a family (in the evenings  and on the weekends), my daughter will interrupt my husband and I constantly, to the point that he goes out every evening until she's in bed, and we only spend 1 day on the weekend together typically (and it's often a stressful, cranky day). She will pointly ask dad to leave, she wants to see mom. She will talk louder, jump around us, and try to divert all of my attention. My husband thinks that part of this is driven simply by the fact that she wants some one on one time with me (understandable), but also that my time with her is more fun and child-focused (we play crafts, do baking, etc) since I don't see her that much. Also, he thinks that I am more lenient with her, so she prefers that. Just a note, I work full time Mon to Friday, and my husband is a stay-at-home dad (has been since I returned to work full-time when Keira was 7 months old).

We are currently coping with this issue with weekly babysitting sessions, so that my husband and I can have time together. As well, we give her mommy time most evenings and at least one day per weekend. But, we want to be a family! We've also just purchased an RV to hopefully create some quality camping time together.

Answer:

Without seeing you and your daughter interacting in person, I will have to guess that your are unintentionally rewarding her for this attention-seeking behavior. In other words, is it possible that, when she is getting in your face and trying to dominate the conversation, you provide the very attention she is seeking?

This is a behavior problem by the way. And as such, there needs to be some ground rules established - in writing - along with consequences for violating the rules.

You need to address this from both sides of the equation: nurture and discipline.

Sounds like you got the nurturing piece in place (i.e., sufficient amount of 'mommy time'), but what is the consequence for interrupting? I'm guessing there is none.

Unfortunately, this is teaching your daughter how to be a 'master manipulator'. And the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to get it stopped.

This should be a fairly simple fix...

1. Co-create (with her) some rules (e.g., no speaking when mom and dad are talking to one another; no climbing between mom and dad). Keep this short and simple with just a few specific behaviors to target.

2. Stipulate both the consequences for violating the rules (e.g., will have to go to your room for a 5 minute timeout) and the rewards for compliance (e.g., will get and extra 5 minutes with mommy).

3. Put all this in writing WITH PICTURES (get creative here - and make it fun - it will take a little extra work, but we want this to be effective - so do it!). This is the formal contract.

4. Revise the contract as needed. Also, be sure to follow through with the consequences as needed, otherwise this teachers your daughter another bad lesson: Rules are meaningless.

Be prepared for a lot of resistance here. You are getting ready to turn her world upside down. 

By the way, IF (and I say "if") you are the kind of mother who errs on the side of over-indulgence and over-protectiveness, then this is going to be very difficult for you to do. And IF you find that you simply cannot do this, then ...well, heaven help your marriage.

____________________________


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... Hmmm - someone should tell Caeden's (former) school this!!
•    Anonymous said... Ok my kid has been acting out bad since coming to live with me and I'm not sure how to approach it. He has had big changes in his life....new school new home etc...would that trigger such stand off behavior? Any advice would be appreciated!!
•    Anonymous said... This article couldn't have come a better time.....my 7yr olds behaviour has been atrocious this week and am at my wits end..,..but then it's back to school this week from 2 wks off....so I'm assuming it correlates with that 😐
•    Anonymous said... This week has been horrific for my son. I can't figure out why but something set him off at school this week.

Please post your comment below…