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How to Handle Aggressiveness in Kids and Teens on the Autism Spectrum

Question

My son will be 11 in September. There are so many issues, but the biggest concern now is the aggression associated with his meltdowns. The aggression is getting worse, both physical and verbal. He uses foul language, hits, kicks, spits and threatens to kill me. I am desperate for a solution of some kind. I don't know what I should do when these meltdowns occur. They start the minute I pick him up from school. He does not have this problem at school. Since school started back last week he has had a major meltdown every day. I know that school (he's at a new school this year) is a major stressor. He's completely uncooperative with homework and as I said above, the aggression associated w/ these tantrums is escalating. I am desperate for help.

Answer

Many High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) kids do not have the social skills or self-control to manage their behavior. These must be taught. When kids can’t find the words to deal with aggressive feelings or are not encouraged to express themselves, they become frustrated. At other times, kids cannot cope with growing levels of anger in themselves or in others. In both cases, kids need to learn acceptable ways to assert themselves and to learn coping skills.

For these young people to outgrow their aggressive ways, they need positive, consistent, nurturing discipline. They need to learn positive problem-solving techniques. Parents need to place kids in environments that offer a setting and support for learning positive social behavior rather than aggressive, hostile, antisocial acts.
 

Try some of these options:

1. Observe to get the facts. Keep a log to find the theme of what triggers the acts of aggression – then help the youngster steer clear of these activities.

2. Share your notes or journal with the teachers. Compare to see if similar behaviors are triggered at home and at school.

3. Take a look at the environment. Is some activity or room arrangement causing anxiety or frustration? Does the youngster feel crowded, or is he bored for too long? Does the youngster have enough personal space?

4. For school-age kids, write a plan of action for what the youngster will do when the negative behavior occurs.

5. Make a list of activities to do “instead” (play with Play-Doh, run around the house, vacuum, draw, take a bath, etc.). Use a picture graph if the youngster can’t read.

6. Recognize success. “Even though I could tell you were mad, that was a great way you controlled your anger!”

7. Teach the youngster deep breathing and visualization relaxation exercises.

8. During a calm time, talk with the youngster so he understands the consequences of actions. Bedtimes are often quiet times for talking.

9. Accept your youngster and understand his unique temperament. While his behavior will be challenging at times, remain patient and supportive.

10. Tell your youngster how you expect him to behave. You will need to keep telling the youngster. Be specific and positive. Rather than saying, “Don’t hit,” …say, “Hitting hurts. Please use your words.”

11. Be consistent so kids know what to expect.

12. Organize the home environment; set limits on what the youngster may use.

13. Limit access to aggressive toys (e.g., swords, guns).

14. Monitor television for aggressive shows.

15. Watch television with your youngster, and comment on the content.

16. Sing songs and tell stories about feelings and frustrations. Talk about what anger may feel like.

17. Allow some independence by providing a help-yourself shelf with blocks, art supplies, puzzles, or other things. Define where kids may use these materials. Provide enough materials so kids don’t have to wait to use them and become frustrated.

18. Allow transition time between activities; give a five-minute warning that the activity will change or it is “time to come in from play.”

19. Be a model for controlled behavior, and avoid angry outbursts and violence.

20. Monitor out-of-home activity. Know where they are and whom they are with.

21. Avoid extreme permissiveness, laxness, and tolerance OR too much structure and too many demands.

22. Figure out what the youngster needs—attention, security, control, or to feel valued. Try to fill the need so he won’t continue to act undesirably.

23. Use closeness for control. When you sense your youngster is about to lose control, quietly and gently move close. Often your calm presence is enough to settle your youngster.

24. Help kids talk to each other to solve problems. Ask open-ended questions to help them think about options to solve their own problems.

25. Give kids choices so they feel empowered. Offer two acceptable choices.

26. Redirect your youngster. If your youngster is pushing, hitting, or grabbing, move him in another direction and into another activity. Stay by his side until he is positively engaged.

27. If your youngster is misusing a toy or destroying it in an aggressive manner, remove it. Get out Play-Doh, arrange an interlude of water play, or direct your youngster to his sandbox. These tactile experiences often magically quiet aggression.

28. Remove your out-of-control youngster from the scene. Hold the youngster, go for a walk, or go to another room. Stay with him until all is calm.

29. Be your youngster’s control. If your youngster is hitting another, your words may not be enough to stop the aggression. You must move in and gently but firmly stop the behavior. You provide the control your youngster lacks. In time, your control transfers to your youngster. Say, “I’ll keep you from hitting your sister.”

30. Note improved behaviors: “I like the way you used words to solve that problem.”

31. Avoid difficult situations. If you know going to the park where there are lots of children sends your youngster into an aggressive tirade, avoid going. Find a less-stimulating setting where your child can achieve more social success.

32. Seek support yourself when you need a break.

33. Banish punching bags. If you have a youngster who is aggressive, realize that the effect of “hit the punching bag, not Jo,” has not proven effective for reducing aggressive attacks.

34. Prepare the youngster. Before your youngster meets new friends, tell him what behavior you expect. With young kids, remind them that people don’t like to be hit or pushed.

35. If all of your strategies have been used to no avail, seek counseling or assistance in developing a youngster/family plan to learn aggression management.

 


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I am going through the same my son is fourteen. X
•    Anonymous said... I find that all children are different, and with my son, teasing, mimicking or laughing would send him into a downright rage even worse than the initial one! We find that just gently diffusing it and saying "I'm sorry you are feeling that way", or "maybe you could just take a few quiet minutes to yourself to think of some better words to describe how you are feeling" works much better. It helps him boil down what he's thinking and realize that he hasn't affected me, just the results he was hoping for, and that he won't get what he needs/wants with violence and aggression. It doesn't always work the way I want, but it models good problem solving and the behavior that I want to see in him.
•    Anonymous said... I ignore the foul language and tell my 15 yr old daughter I've hard worse and talking like that is not going to get you what you want. Thank goodness she has not used the language outside of our home, that I know of. Same with the physical. I walk away and if need be I lock myself in my bathroom and take a breather myself. Know what you are going through and feel for you.
•    Anonymous said... I know you probably won't feel like it at the time but I've found that diffusing the situation with humour often works best for me. We usually end up laughing. I've also used to mimic his voice or action, not in a patronising way, more in a over acting dramatic way. Worth trying?
•    Anonymous said... I tell my son that I don't deserve to be treated/spoken to like that, or I tell him he's more intelligent than to do/say that, I find logic helps him to handle his anger at the moment, but he's having cbt so I'm sure that's helping him to recognise the triggers for himself x
•    Anonymous said... my son was put on Risperdon and it changed his whole personality. He used to be how you described and now it chills him out and he is such a happy, content and great part of our family. Last year he was nearly suspended from school and he used to throw things at home, kick things, hit his sister etc. He is on a mix of Risperidon, Fluoxitine and Concerta. We also were told to spend time together and rub his head, arms etc while reading stories or watching movies and to play classical music around the house. We have a totally different 10 year old.
•    Anonymous said... We had the same type of experiences, I found my son used words and actions to assert himself, he knew which words would get a reaction. He once told his teacher that he hoped her unborn child would die, he did this at age 13. He was feeling highy frustrated that she thought he was too dumb to learn. Today at age 20 he is a model citizen, holds 2 jobs, goes to a trade school and is a volunteer fireman...who knew? God gave us these children for a reason-because we are the only people who could/can raise them! Hang in there it will get better when he learns coping skills.

Please post your comment below…
By

Why Females with Autism [level 1] Are Less Likely to Be Diagnosed

The vast majority of referrals for a diagnostic evaluation for ASD are boys. The ratio of males to females is roughly around 10:1; however, the epidemiological research for autism suggests that the ratio should be 4:1. Why are girls less likely to be identified as having the characteristics indicative of an autism spectrum disorder? 

Below are some possible reasons:

1. Each youngster with ASD develops his/her own techniques and strategies to learn how to acquire specific skills and develop coping mechanisms. One technique is to have practical guidance and moral support from one’s friends. Kids on the spectrum elicit from others either strong maternal or predatory behavior. If the youngster’s natural peer group is females, she is more likely to be supported and included by a greater majority of her friends.

Thus, females on the autism spectrum are often mothered by "normal" or neurotypical (NT) females, who may prompt the ASD youngster when she is unsure what to do or say in social situations - and comfort her when she is distressed. In contrast, “normal” males are notorious for their intolerance of kids who are different and are more prone to be predatory. 
 
This can have an unfortunate effect on the behavior of a boy with the disorder - and many complain of being teased, ignored and bullied by other males. In fact, some males with ASD actually prefer to play with females who are often kinder and more tolerant than their male friends.

2. Females are more likely to be enrolled in speech and drama lessons, and this provides a socially acceptable opportunity for coaching in body language. Many kids with autism have a prodigious memory, and this can include reciting the dialogue for all characters in a play and memorizing the dialogue or script of real life conversations. Knowing the script also means the youngster does not have to worry about what to say. Acting can subsequently become a successful career option (although there can be some confusion when grown-ups with the disorder act another persona in real life as this can be misconstrued as Multiple Personality Disorder rather than a constructive means of coping with an autism spectrum disorder).

3. Females are more motivated to learn - and quicker to understand key concepts - in comparison to males with ASD of equivalent intellectual ability. Thus, they may have a better long-term prognosis in terms of becoming more fluent in their social skills. This may explain why females with the disorder are often less conspicuous than males with the disorder and less likely to be referred for a diagnostic assessment. Moms with an autism spectrum disorder appear to have more maternal and empathic abilities with their own kids than dads with the disorder, who can have great difficulty understanding and relating to their kids.

4. It appears that many females on the spectrum have the same profile of abilities as males, but a subtler or less severe expression of the traits. Moms and dads may be reluctant to seek a diagnostic assessment if the youngster appears to be coping reasonably well, and therapists may be hesitant to commit themselves to a diagnosis unless the signs are conspicuously different to the normal range of behavior and abilities.

5. One must always consider the personality of the youngster with the disorder and how he/she copes with the difficulties he/she experiences in social reasoning, empathy and cognition. Some youngsters are overtly active participants in social situations. Their unusual profile of abilities in social situations is quite obvious. However, some are reluctant to socialize with others, and their personality can be described as passive. They can become quite adept at camouflaging their difficulties and clinical experience suggests that the passive personality is more common in females.

6. Some young people on the spectrum can be quite ingenious in using imitation and modeling to camouflage their difficulties in social situations. One strategy that has been used by many females is to observe individuals who are socially skilled and to copy their mannerisms, voice and persona. This is a form of “social echolalia” or mirroring where the person acquires a superficial social competence by acting the part of another person.

7. We have a stereotype of typical female and male behavior. Females are more able to verbalize their emotions and less likely to use physically violent acts in response to negative emotions (e.g., confusion, frustration and anger). We do not know whether this is a cultural or constitutional trait, but we recognize that kids who are violent are more likely to be referred for a diagnostic assessment to determine whether the behavior is due to a specific developmental disorder and for advice on behavior management.

Thus, males with the disorder are more often referred to a psychologists or psychiatrist because their violence has become a concern for their mom and dad, or teacher. A consequence of this referral bias is that not only are more males referred, therapists and academics can have a false impression of the incidence of violence in this population.

8. When a youngster would like more friends but clearly has little success in this area, one option is to create imaginary friends. This often occurs with young females who visualize friends in their solitary play or use dolls as a substitute for real individuals. Females with ASD can create imaginary friends and elaborate doll play, which superficially resembles the play of other females.

We need more studies to establish the true incidence of autism in females. In the meantime, these girls are likely to continue to be overlooked and not to receive the degree of understanding and resources they need.



 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
----------
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
By

School Phobia in Students on the Autism Spectrum

At some point in their school career, High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) children are significantly challenged by anxiety. School phobia (known to professionals as school refusal), a complex and extreme form of anxiety about going to school (but not of the school itself as the name suggests), can have many causes and can include related anxiety disorders (e.g., agoraphobia and selective mutism).

Symptoms include:
  • a racing heart
  • fatigue
  • frequent trips to the toilet
  • nausea
  • shaking
  • stomachaches

Young children on the autism spectrum (up to age 7 or 8) with school phobia experience separation anxiety and cannot easily contemplate being parted from their parents, whereas older kids (8 plus) are more likely to have it take the form of social phobia where they are anxious about their performance in school (such as in games or in having to read aloud or answer questions in class).

HFA children with anxieties about going to school may suffer a panic attack if forced which then makes them fear having another panic attack and there is an increasing spiral of worry with which parents often do not know how to deal.
 

Going to school for the first time is a period of great anxiety for very young kids. Many will be separated from their parents for the first time, or will be separated all day for the first time. This sudden change can make them anxious and they may suffer from separation anxiety. They are also probably unused to having the entire day organized for them and may be very tired by the end of the day – causing further stress and making them feel very vulnerable.

For older children on the spectrum who are not new to the school, who have had a long summer break or have had time off because of illness, returning to school can be quite traumatic. They may no longer feel at home there. Their friendships might have changed. Their teacher and classroom might have changed. They may have got used to being at home and closely looked after by a parent, suddenly feeling insecure when all this attention is removed; and suddenly they are under the scrutiny of their teachers again.

Other children with HFA may have felt unwell on the school bus or in school and associate these places with further illness and symptoms of panic, and so want to avoid them in order to avoid panicky symptoms and panic attacks fearing, for example, vomiting, fainting or having diarrhea. Other kids may have experienced stressful events.




Possible triggers for school phobia include:
  1. Being bullied
  2. Being off school for a long time through illness or because of a holiday
  3. Being unpopular, being chosen last for teams and feeling a physical failure (in games and gymnastics)
  4. Bereavement (of a person or pet)
  5. Fearing panic attacks when traveling to school or while in school
  6. Feeling an academic failure
  7. Feeling threatened by the arrival of a new baby
  8. Having a traumatic experience such as being abused, being raped, having witnessed a tragic event
  9. Moving to a new area and having to start at a new school and make new friends or just changing schools
  10. Not having good friends (or any friends at all)
  11. Problems at home such as a member of the family being very ill
  12. Problems at home such as marital rows, separation and divorce
  13. Starting school for the first time
  14. Violence in the home or any kind of abuse; of the youngster or of another parent

Children with an autism spectrum disorder need to be dealt with differently as compared to kids without the disorder (e.g., teaching them relaxation techniques can actually make them more anxious).

The longer school phobia goes on, the harder it is to treat, so referrals to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services are usually quite quick to ‘nip it in the bud’. However, if your youngster is severely affected, it is better to ask for a referral (from your youngster’s doctor or head teacher) to the service before you are desperate as it is often overstretched: in reality it can take some time to get an appointment. 
 

Things you can do yourself as a parent include getting help from your youngster’s school. Teachers need to be aware there is a problem. Sometimes being taught in a special unit in school (if the school has one) may help your youngster feel more secure as it is a more comfortable place and acts as a half-way point between home and school. Some HFA children are so severely affected that they stop going to school. It should be made quite clear to your youngster’s teachers that she is not ‘playing up’ but that her anxiety is very real and she is suffering from it.

At home, life should continue and your youngster should be encouraged to carry on as normal. But she might want to stop going out, especially without you, even to parties that she was quite happy being left at before. Although you need to deal sensitively with her, if she doesn’t absolutely have to miss something, it is best to help her go by going with her for part (or all) of the time so that her world does not shrink altogether. 
 
It is also helpful to:
  • Encourage your youngster to find things she can enjoy in the school day.
  • Explain that her fears are brought on by thoughts that are not true thoughts; she is reacting to normal things in an extreme way.
  • Find things that your youngster can look forward to each day.
  • Keep to the same routine. 
  • Make her go to bed and get up at the same time every day (even on weekends) so that she has some secure framework to live around.
  • Reassure your youngster. Tell her that she will be fine once she has got over the part she dreads.
  • Tell her she is brave for going to school. Although her friends find it easy, she has a private battle she has to fight every school day.
  • Tell her you are proud of her for being so brave.

 
 
COMMENTS:

 •    Anonymous said... Homeschool was the best thing I did for my daughter.
•    Anonymous said... Homeschool!!! Made a world of difference for our son. There is no need to force children into painful, emotionally damaging situations every day.
•    Anonymous said... I am homeschooling my son this year after a horrendous attempt at mainstreaming at a new school last year that just left him feeling horrible about himself and behind academically.
•    Anonymous said... I did homeschool .. Did wonders for his self esteem
•    Anonymous said... I would agree homeschooling sounds like it would just be so so much better for him....
•    Anonymous said... My son was compressing his anxiety all day and then melting down the second he was off the bus. It would happen every single night. Several times a week the school would call be because he was vomiting. After we finally figured out what was going on, we made the decision to homeschool him. It has been the best decision we've made and a huge blessing for our family. He is doing great, light years ahead academically and happy. I wish we'd have started when he was younger and never put him through that at all. 99% of the time, his Aspergers symptoms are gone or under control now.
•    Anonymous said... My sons kindergarten teacher told me he should snap out of it. She immediately learned the extent of my vocabulary.
•    Anonymous said... Same for my son....I homeschooled my son (12) last year. This year he is going to attend a small private school that is very similar to homeschooling with multi age classrooms.
•    Anonymous said... School is a constant struggle for my 16 year old aspie son. He's currently in a special ed autistic class at his high school but he still struggles with not wanting to be there. Last year we dealt with him having thoughts of injuring/killing one of his teachers. He too would hold things in until finally blowing up. I have been told by his IEP team and school counselors that home school would be a horrible idea for him and that because he has an IEP the school would not approve it. I considered online schooling for him but was basically told no. How did you all get around that? We live in Washington state.
•    Anonymous said... they likely say that because they don't want the school to lose funding they get for kids on IEPs, and plus the school has no right to tell you how you educate your child. Since when do schools have to approve homeschooling? Sounds like bullying tactics to me. It is your choice.
•    Anonymous said... This was perfect timing for me..school starts on Tuesday and last year was a constant battle with the school and getting the kids to go. Meltdowns, nightmares, and physical illnesses all year. I have been strongly considering homeschool iand its great to know how well it has worked for others.
•    Anonymous said... We had the experience. We cyber school now and it has changed everything for the better. So grateful for options such as this to help these precious children succeed.
•    Anonymous said... Yup true, I sent my son to homeschool. Better environment for them. No bullying from teacher and friends. when there is no bully, they feel comfortable with the lesson they are in. Now he even able to skip 2 levels....

 Post your comment below…
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
By

Helping Kids on the Autism Spectrum to Develop Their Own “Emotional Toolbox”


Perhaps one of the best techniques we as parents of kids with ASD level 1, or High-Functioning Autism, can employ is the creation of an “emotional toolbox” designed to help the child to “repair” his or her feelings.

Most kids know that a toolbox usually includes a variety of tools to repair a machine, for example. So, parents can begin discussion and activities that are used to identify different types of “tools” for specific problems associated with feelings.

For example:
  • One type of “emotional repair tool” can be a paintbrush, which can be used to represent relaxation tools that lower the heart rate (e.g., drawing, reading, listening to calming music, etc.).
  • A picture of a manual can be used to represent thinking tools that are designed to improve cognitive processes (e.g., phrases that encourage reflection before reaction). James, a young man with ASD, developed his “antidote to toxic thoughts” through the use of this tool. He developed a “stop and think first” technique whenever he was upset and about to lash-out at someone.
  • A two-handle saw can be used to represent social activities or people who can help repair feelings (e.g., communication with someone who is known to be sympathetic and able to alleviate negative feelings). This can be by spoken word or typed communication, enabling the child to gain a new perspective on the problem and providing some practical advice. 
  • Another type of emotional repair tool can be represented by a hammer, which signifies physical “tools” for calming down (e.g., going for a walk, bouncing on a trampoline, crushing empty cans for recycling, etc.). The goal here is to repair emotions constructively by a safe physical act that increases the heart rate. One child with Asperger’s explained how running around the yard “takes the fight out of me.”

The idea is to provide a “repair statement” (i.e., self-talk) for the autistic child that counteracts his or her negative thoughts. For instance, “I can't deal with this (a toxic or negative thought), but I can do this with mom’s help (positive thought or antidote).” 
 

The child can also be taught that becoming overly-emotional often inhibits his or her intellectual abilities in a particular situation that requires good problem-solving skills. The self-talk here might be, “When I’m angry and frustrated, I need to cool down so I can think about how to solve this problem.”

The concept of a toolbox can be extremely helpful in enabling the youngster with ASD not only to repair her own feelings, but also to repair the feelings of others. Kids on the spectrum often benefit from instruction in learning what tools to use to help friends and family - and which tools others use - so that they may borrow tools to add to their own emotional repair kit.

Humor and imagination can be used as “thinking tools.” Contrary to popular myths, young people on the spectrum greatly benefit from laughter, can enjoy jokes typical of their developmental level, and can be very creative with puns and jokes.

Parents should also have a discussion of “inappropriate tools” (e.g., one would not use a hammer to fix a wrist watch) to explain how some actions (e.g., violence) are not appropriate emotional repair mechanisms. For instance, one child with Asperger’s would slap himself to stop negative thoughts and feelings, which only had a very temporary effect and did not solve the problem.

Another tool that could become inappropriate is for the child to repeatedly retreat into his fantasy world (e.g., imagining he is a superhero), or to plan retaliation. The use of escape into fantasy literature and games can be a typical tool for ordinary children. But for kids on the autism spectrum, escape is of concern when it becomes the exclusive coping mechanism (e.g., the fine line between fantasy and reality may be unclear to the child).
 

Another concern is when daydreams of retaliation to teasing/bullying are expressed in drawings, writing, and threats. Although this may be a typical means of emotional expression, there is a concern that the expression is misinterpreted as an intention to carry out the fantasy – or may be a precursor to retaliation using weapons.

Talking to pets as a “social tool” in preference to talking to friends or developing relationships with people is another inappropriate tool in some cases.

“Unusual tools” should also be discussed. For instance, one teenage girl with Asperger’s explained that, “Crying doesn't work for me, so I get mad.” In this case, tears were a rare response to feeling sad, with a more common response to sadness being anger, which caused others to misinterpret her behavior.

Another unusual tool is that of being quick at resolving grief and serious tragedies (e.g., death of a loved one). This trait can be of concern to the child’s parents, who expect the classic signs of prolonged and intense grieving. Parents may view the child as uncaring, yet the rapid recovery is simply a characteristic of the disorder.

Developing an emotional toolbox to “fix” feelings is a way to improve a child’s self-esteem, train her to be able to relate to others effectively, and help her develop a sense of how she learns best in the area of social skills and emotional control.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

Angry Outbursts in Teenagers on the Autism Spectrum

Question

My son is 13 years old; he has been previously diagnosed with high functioning autism, adhd and obsessive compulsive disorder. My son lived with his father for six months while I recovered from a nervous breakdown. When I got custody of him again he was very aggressive, would hit his 6 year old brother and call him names and put him down. My ex gave him no discipline from what I gather from my son, he told me he had to raise his six year old brother for them six months. He blames me for the divorce between me and his father. I have bipolar and he doesn’t seem to understand that I am different too and that I need him to cooperate and help me as much as possible. He’s too focused on his ocd, his adhd and his autism and he uses all of these things for an excuse for all of the negative behaviors he is having.

In the last past year he has changed 3 schools, and moved to a new area, which he says he hates. I’m wondering if he will adjust to the new setting and new rules that I have for him. I think some of it is the teenage years; he uses profanity often and shows aggression to get his way no matter what the consequences. I want to help my son but I don’t know what to do. His brother is totally opposite; he does what I tell him and goes by all of the rules.

How do I get my son to show me respect and work on his attitude without so many angry outbursts which could get me evicted from our apartment? I go with the flow to keep things as quiet as possible but things get worse, if I threaten to take his games he threatens and has went as far as walking out of the door leaving me to find him. Am I dealing with autism, Adhd, compulsive disorder or just an unruly teenager? I think it is all of them. I was wondering if there is an autism training center that could come in and work with my son. I am desperate at this point and will do anything to help my child to stay on the right track, I worry that he is headed for suicide or prison. I am very concerned for him, he’s happy as long as I cater to him, but when I stand up for what I think is right he rebels and I pay dearly. Please help.

Answer

Parents of High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) and Asperger's (AS) children/teens will face many behavior problems (e.g., aggression and violent behavior, anger, depression, and many other problematic behaviors). Part of the problem stems from (a) the conflict between longings for social contact and (b) an inability to be social in ways that attract friendships and relationships.
 

HFA and AS adolescents possess a unique set of attitudes and behaviors:
  • Adolescents with the disorder tend to be physically and socially awkward, which makes them a frequent target of school bullies. Low self-esteem caused by being rejected and outcast by peers often makes these adolescents even more susceptible to “acting-out” behaviors at home and school.
  • These teenagers rely on routine to provide a sense of control and predictability in their lives. Another characteristic of the disorder is the development of special interests that are unusual in focus or intensity. These young people may become so obsessed with their particular areas of interest that they get upset and angry when something or someone interrupts their schedule or activity.
  • Adolescents on the autism spectrum often suffer from “mindblindness,” which means they have difficulty understanding the emotions others are trying to convey through facial expressions and body language. The problem isn’t that adolescents with Aspergers can’t feel emotion, but that they have trouble expressing their own emotions and understanding the feelings of others. “Mindblindness” often give parents the impression that their HFA or AS teen is insensitive, selfish and uncaring.
  • They can be extremely sensitive to loud noise, strong smells and bright lights. This can be a challenge in relationships as adolescents on the spectrum may be limited in where they can go on, how well they can tolerate the environment, and how receptive they are to instruction from parents and teachers.
  • Social conventions are a confusing maze for adolescents with the disorder. They can be disarmingly concise and to the point, and may take jokes and exaggerations literally. Because they struggle to interpret figures of speech and tones of voice that “neuro-typicals” naturally pick up on, they may have difficulty engaging in a two-way conversation. As a result, they may end up fixating on their own interests and ignoring the interests and opinions of others.

Focus on prevention and on helping your son to develop communication skills and develop a healthy self-esteem. These things can create the ability to develop relationships and friendships, lessening the chances of having issues with anger.

Anger is often prevalent in HFA and AS when rituals can't get accomplished or when the teen's need for order or symmetry can't be met. Frustration (over little things that usually don't bother others) can lead to anger and sometimes violent outbursts. This kind of anger is best handled through cognitive-behavioral therapy that focuses on maintaining control in spite of the frustration of not having their needs met.

Rest assured, communication skills and friendship skills can be taught to teens (and even adults) on the spectrum, which can eliminate some of the social isolation they feel. This can avert or reverse many anger control issues.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
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Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...


PARENTS'  COMMENTS:

*   Anonymous said... I'd like to say to you this. My son has Aspergers/Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He too present with anger, negativity and outbursts with authority figures. One thing I learned early on, NEVER walk on broken glass waiting to get cut! Never let things go with ease to avaoid a melt down. Set clear limits he understands with clear consequences he also understands. Get your child the help hhe needs NOW before it's too late with the laws in your State. Many parents of Spectrum children do not understand the Laws that protect the child and hinder the parents. As with my son, at the age of 14 in our State children have the RIGHT to not participate in therapy of any sort including Mental Health Services. If and when your child is made aware of the Laws you should be prepared as we were not as we did not even know the Law existed. My son is as I've said now 17. He is reminded daily that no matter what his diagnosis are, he is bound by the same laws as the rest of the world. Dealing with anger outbursts are horrifying to say the least. It takes a toll on your entire family dynamics. Having a younger child watch this behavior will lead them to issues with outbursts as well. I also have a 7 yr old who learns from his brothers behavior. We do the same, set limits, make rules and make consequences clearly understood and FOLLOW THROUGH! NEVER let your guilt for the diagnosis to interfere with following through! This will by far be your biggest mistake. For yourself, establish a support system, keep time for yourself, try to stay positive at all times and again use your support system. If and when violence erupts, call the police to intervene and make sure they are aware of the diagnosis before they arrive for it can cause a bigger problem as well as a negative outcome all around.
 
•    Anonymous said… Communication is hard and understanding is wanted. Those that act out are in pain themselves..
 
•    Anonymous said… I have been dealing with this for 16 years. Therapy is a on going process. If the behavior is out of control. I would suggest a inpatient treatment facility. This will allow for continued therapy and behavior modification. Trust me.. I know this well. You are not along.
 
•    Anonymous said… I know this comment may sound soft and shallow, but believe me, as a single parent of an autistic/Asperger's son prone to violent outbursts just like the rest of you, all I can offer is for you the parent to take care of yourself. For me it was Transcendental Meditation. It calms me like nothing else and for some bizarre reason it calms my son, even though he's not the one meditating. I'm not affiliated and not trying to pitch them, but you need to do something CALMING for yourself. Every child is different and requires a unique strategy to cope, and so does every parent. Bless everyone here and let's try to keep our heads and hearts clear.
 
•    Anonymous said… Well i give my son 1 for being good and its been working i got him on ssi and he had outbursts 3 times before i decided this and i took one day at a time and for 5 days my son been good no outbursts and i give him options too like if he cant do something for a example my son he wanted to go yesterday to dollar General i said play on ur phone or color or drawl or eat popsicle something to distract him from what he wants til u can do it when ur ready . Take 1day at a time and be calm with him at all times i just started this 2 months ago and im handling it pretty well and he has asperger's and odd so i understand
 
•    Anonymous said… Wow! My son is 15 and this is my life right now, although luckily without the physical aggression. I have to admit it is nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with these severe behavior issues!
 
•    Anonymous said… your beautiful boy sounds like my 8yr old grand son , but these kids live in a completely different world to ours they like to do what they do eat what they eat and if left alone they survive just as well as if we never said a word the more we tell them and yell the worse they get .I have seen the outbursts and man its scary .
 
*     Anonymous said... Not enough focus on reaching out to others on the spectrum, other teens getting together. Organized by the supports already in place to have purposed get togethers for the teens. They just don't cut it , in high school. Highschool is a dead bully zone. Kids there are mean mean mean, if anyone is a bit 'off' they can make their life miserable, too miserable. I would not have my kid enter high school at all, and focus on get togethers with other aspergers kids, and just do it that way, engaging them in activities in the community.

*     Anonymous said...I really dont know what to do my 12 year old shouts at me and says the most horrible things most days and calls me and her sister names im a single mum of 3 and finding it hard to cope ive asked for help since she was 4 and no one does anything she has no therapy and we have no help at all just me because while at school etc she wants to be the same as everyone else she tells them shes fine and the works ok but what she does is bottle all her anxieties frustrations things that havent gone as shes wanted all day etc and lets rip at me when she gest home if something isnt how she wants or she cant have what she wants or things dont go as she expects she has meltdowns that can last hours ive said i will speak to school to see if there is anything they can do to help us she said if i speak to school or anyone else about her shes going to tell them i hit and hurt her i dont do either but do have to hold her when in meltdown to prevent her hurting herself me or someone else or damaging property until shes in either a safer place or calms down i have had a dislocated shoulder a torn rotary cuff in my shoulder which needed surgery to repair and still has limited movement shes broken 3 of my toes and i often end up bruised and sore muscles i have health conditions that mean the above and stress makes me really poorly she knows this but in meltdown does not care at all i do not hit h.  Id stayed out on sat nt my mum had her for the night so i could have a day/nt off her nanna treated her to sweets her favourote programme then on the way home took her clothes shopping she had a good time id been home 10 min and she'd reduced me to tears with shouting at me and calling me names and i got up this morning to the same today i really dont know what to do im so tired and drain from it all ���� im worried about what her future will be

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Personality Types in ASD Level 1: Fixated, Disruptive, Approach and Avoidant

Fixated Personality--

The fixated personality type can be characterized by a preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and the need to control one’s environment (e.g., to have things in a particular order).

Some of the symptoms of the fixated personality type may include:
  • compulsion to make lists and/or schedules
  • feelings of excessive doubt and caution
  • obsessive need for cleanliness
  • perfectionism (that may sometimes interfere with task-completion)
  • preoccupation with order and organization
  • preoccupation with remembering and paying attention to minute details and facts
  • rigid following of rules and regulations
  • rigidity or inflexibility of beliefs
  • stubbornness
  • unreasonable insistence that others submit to his way of doing things

Some of the specific behavioral manifestations of the fixated personality type among ASD children and teenagers may include:
  • repeatedly checking homework
  • cleaning rituals
  • counting rituals
  • grooming rituals (e.g., hand washing, showering, teeth brushing)
  • hoarding and collecting things
  • ordering or arranging objects
  • repeating rituals (e.g., going in and out of doorways, needing to move through spaces in a special way, rereading, erasing, rewriting)
  • rituals to prevent harming self or others
  • rituals to undo contact with a "contaminated" person or object
  • touching rituals

Parents can look for the following possible signs of the fixated personality type:
  • continual expressions of fear that something terrible will happen
  • dramatic increase in laundry
  • persistent expressions of fear of illness
  • sudden drop in test grades
  • exceptionally long amount of time spent getting ready for bed
  • high, unexplained utility bills
  • holes erased through test papers and homework
  • raw, chapped hands from constant washing
  • reluctance to leave the house
  • requests for family members to repeat strange phrases or keep answering the same question
  • unproductive hours spent doing homework
  • unusually high rate of soap or paper towel usage

Environmental and stress factors can trigger fixated personality traits. These can include ordinary developmental transitions (e.g., starting school) as well as significant losses or changes (e.g., death of a loved one, moving to a different home or city).
 

It can be helpful to keep family routines as normal as possible, and for all family members to learn strategies to help the ASD youngster. It is also important to not let the “fixations” be the boss of the house and regular family activities. Giving in to fixations does not make them go away.

“Fixated” Aspies become less fixated at different rates, so try to avoid any day-to-day comparisons and recognize and praise any small improvements. Keep in mind that it's the disorder that is causing the problem, not the child. The more that personal criticism can be avoided, the better.

Treatment for the fixated personality type can involve the following:
  1. Behavior therapy: Discussing with a psychotherapist ways of changing compulsions into healthier, productive behaviors. An effective form of this therapy has been found to be cognitive analytic therapy.
  2. Cognitive behavioral therapy: A systematic approach to changing unwanted thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
  3. Psychopharmacology: A psychiatrist may be able to prescribe medication to facilitate self-management and also enable more productive participation in other therapies.
  4. Psychotherapy: Discussion with a trained counselor or psychotherapist who understands the condition.


 Disruptive Personality--

The disruptive personality is:
  1. a type of cognitive-behavioral style in which the "Aspie's" way of thinking, perceiving situations, and relating to others is sometimes destructive
  2. often comorbid with ADHD and/or ODD
Autistic children and teens with disruptive personality typically have little regard for right and wrong. They may often violate the rights of others, landing in frequent trouble or conflict. They may lie, behave violently, and have drug and alcohol problems. Also, Aspies with disruptive personality may not be able to fulfill responsibilities to family, school, or work.

Disruptive personality traits may include:
  • Aggressive or violent behavior
  • Agitation
  • Impulsive behavior
  • Intimidation of others
  • Irresponsible school-related or work-related behavior
  • Lack of remorse about harming others
  • Persistent lying or deceit
  • Poor or abusive relationships
  • Recurring difficulties with the parents and teachers
  • Repeatedly violating the rights of others
  • Using charm or wit to manipulate others

There may be a link between an early lack of “empathy” (i.e., understanding the perspectives and problems of others) and later onset of a disruptive personality style. These personality problems may be inherited, and identifying them early may help improve long-term outcomes.

Complications and problems associated with the disruptive personality include:
  • Aggression or violence
  • Alcohol or substance abuse
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Reckless behavior
  • Relationship difficulties
  • School and work problems
  • Social isolation
  • Strained relationships
  • Suicidal behavior

Psychotherapy is the main way to treat a child or teen with a disruptive personality style. Types of psychotherapy may include:
  • Psycho-education: This education-based therapy teaches coping strategies and problem-solving skills.
  • Psychodynamic psychotherapy: This approach aims to raise awareness of unconscious thoughts and behaviors and — by bringing them to light — change their negative impact.
  • Cognitive behavioral therapy: This type of therapy helps to uncover unhealthy, negative beliefs and behaviors and replace them with healthy, positive ones.

Psychotherapy may be provided in individual sessions, in group therapy, or in sessions that include family or even friends. The right type of psychotherapy depends on each person's individual situation. 
 

If you have a child or teen with a disruptive personality style, it's critical that you also get help for yourself. Mental health professionals can help teach you skills to protect yourself from the aggression, violence and anger common to this personality type. They can also recommend strategies for coping.

Parents can help their child with disruptive personality traits in the following ways:
  1. Always build on the positives, give the child praise and positive reinforcement when he shows flexibility or cooperation.
  2. Take a time‑out or break if you are about to make the conflict with your child worse, not better. This is good modeling for your child. Support your child if he decides to take a time‑out to prevent overreacting.
  3. Pick your battles. Since this particular child has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the things you want your child to do. If you give your child a time‑out in his room for misbehavior, don't add time for arguing. Say "your time will start when you go to your room."
  4. Set up reasonable, age appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently.
  5. Maintain interests other than your "disruptive" Aspie so that managing your child doesn't take all your time and energy. Try to work with and obtain support from the other adults (teachers, coaches, and spouse) in dealing with your child.
  6. Manage your own stress with exercise and relaxation. Use respite care as needed. 
  7. Come up with a specific parenting-plan to address the behavioral problems associated with a disruptive personality.


Approach Personality--

This type usual occurs in the ASD child who also has ADHD, although this is not always the case.

The two primary characteristics of the “approach personality” are (a) excessive talking about one’s special (or obsessive) interest, and (b) significant violations of other’s personal space.

Excessive Talking About Special Interests—

Excessive talking in the Aspie can present a number of problems. No one particularly likes to be referred to as a "motor-mouth," but they can be exactly that. While some people have much to say of value, excessive talkers usually do not. They talk either because they can't help it due to “mind-blindness” (i.e., they are unaware that the listener is both bored and annoyed with the one-sided conversation), or because they simply love to tell others about their favorite hobby/activity out of a huge sense of passion about that particular hobby/activity.

Aspies who talk excessively can sometimes get along well with one another, probably because neither is paying much attention to what the other is saying. For those with normal speaking habits however, excessive talking often borders on being socially unacceptable. We are brought up to be attentive to what others are saying, to speak mainly when spoken to, while at the same time hoping that when we do talk, we sound intelligent and say the right things in as few words as possible.
 

Excessive talking in the Aspie often translates into an inability to understand or follow instructions. The very act of learning can be seriously impeded, and the chattering Aspie may be unable to concentrate on those things where concentration is vital to success.

Those Aspies who persist in excessive talking about their obsessive interest are more apt to be victims of another type of disorder, the Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Not all of those with OCPD are excessive talkers – it is just one of the symptoms. You can usually spot those with OCPD, because they tend to be preoccupied with perfectionism and orderliness, pay excessive attention to detail, and are most comfortable in an environment where there are rules to follow, schedules to meet, and an organizational structure in which they know their place.

The drive for perfectionism often results in such individuals being unable to complete certain assigned tasks, or being unable to follow rules which don't conform to their own strict standards. Some OCPD Aspies are extremely introverted (living in their own carefully regulated and orderly world) while others can be quite extroverted (these are the attention seekers, the ones who violate your personal space, and who often over-dramatize any and every situation). It is from among this group that excessive talking is apt to be one of the more noticeable symptoms.

Tips for the excessive (obsessive) talker:

1. Appreciate what others have to say. Listening to other person’s viewpoint allows you to permit him or her to express an opinion.

2. Be a good listener. People like to be listened to.

3. Be more conscious of your behavior patterns. Acknowledge that you speak too much and behave accordingly.

4. Do not talk for the sake of talking. Restraint is good.

5. One can take up courses in being a good conversationalist.

6. Seek professional help if excessive talking is a compulsive behavior. Often people speak due to some psychological disorder or problem. A person with a nervous disposition will speak more.

7. One need not express everything on one’s mind. Certain things you must keep to yourself.

8. One should always have something important to contribute. Whatever you say should have an impact on others. They should want to listen to you. Conversation should be interesting.

9. One should avoid being pushy or aggressive while conversing. Try to convey things in fewer words. Be brief in what you say.

10. Think before you speak. It may be difficult if you are nervous. But it is better to be aware of what you are saying. You need not regret later.

11. Try not interrupting another person’s conversation as far as possible.

12. Try to allow the other person to say something. It may be difficult, but one needs to practice self-control. A good conversation is a two-way process. All of those taking part in the conversation have much to contribute. Each person must get a chance to say something.

Violating Personal Space—

Interpersonal space refers to the psychological "bubble" that exists psychologically when one person stands too close to another. There are four different zones of interpersonal space:

1. Intimate distance: ranges from touching to about 18 inches (46 cm) apart, reserve for lovers, children, close family members and friends, and pets.

2. Personal distance: begins about an arm's length away starting around 18 inches (46 cm) from the person and ending about 4 feet (122 cm) away. This space is used in conversations with friends, to chat with associates, and in group discussions.

3. Social distance: ranges from 4 to 8 feet (1.2 m - 2.4 m) away from the person and is reserved for strangers, newly formed groups, and new acquaintances.

4. Public distance: includes anything more than 8 feet (2.4 m) away, and is used for speeches, lectures, and theater. Public distance is essentially that range reserved for larger audiences.

Aspies with approach personality traits tend to be mostly in the “intimate distant” mode (i.e., they will stand within arm’s reach – even with strangers). It goes without saying that most people are taken aback by such behavior.

The absence of strong emotional responses to personal space violation is, again, the result of the Aspie’s “mind-blindness” (i.e., an inability to develop an awareness of what is in the mind of the other person). If you, as a neurotypical, did an experiment in which you purposely stood excessively close to a stranger to read his/her reaction, you would readily notice a pained expression on the other person’s face, sending you a very clear non-verbal message that he/she is alarmed. The mind-blind Aspie with approach personality traits does not receive this non-verbal cue – even though the cue was indeed sent.

Tips for the personal space violator:

1. Understand that (a) people have certain expectations about verbal and nonverbal communication behavior from other people, and (b) violations of these expectations cause arousal and distraction in them.

2. Only stand or sit within arm’s reach of close family members and romantic partners.

3. With your friends, stand or sit no closer than arm’s length.

4. With all others, stay at least 4 feet away.

5. Pay attention to the facial expressions of those you stand or sit close to. Are they grimacing, for example? If so, then you may be too close.

6. Pay attention to whether or not the other person moves away, creating addition distance between the two of you. Does he/she seem to be taking steps backwards during the conversation? If so, you may be too close.

7. If you are uncertain, ask the other person “Am I violating your personal space?” Most people will respect that question and answer honestly.

Some of the behaviors exhibited in the “approach personality” have a good side to them when these behaviors can be correctly channeled. There are many activities in which paying greater than normal attention to detail can be a definite plus, and those with a short attention span often find a place in activities demanding creativity and thinking outside the box. As far as excessive talking is concerned, it is best that it be treated with counseling (usually in the form of “social skills training”), although there are occasional openings for stand up comics and radio talk show hosts. As far as personal space violations are concerned, it is best to reserve close proximity for those who enjoy being close to you (e.g., your mother, girlfriend, cat, etc.).
 

Avoidant personality is characterized by a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. This type of autistic child is often described as being extremely shy, inhibited in new situations, and fearful of disapproval and social rejection. Avoidant personality becomes a major component of an Aspie’s overall character and a central theme in how he relates to others.

Aspies with avoidant personality tend to do some of the following:
  • Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
  • Stays quiet or hides in the background in order to escape notice
  • Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
  • Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
  • Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
  • Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
  • Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
  • Drinks before social situations in order to soothe nerves
  • Avoids social situations to a degree that limits activities or disrupts life
  • Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

The following situations are often stressful for Aspies with avoidant personality:

• Attending parties or other social gatherings
• Being called on in class
• Being teased or criticized
• Being the center of attention
• Being watched while doing something
• Eating or drinking in public
• Going on a date
• Making phone calls
• Making small talk
• Meeting new people
• Performing on stage
• Public speaking
• Speaking up in a meeting
• Taking exams
• Talking with “important” people or authority figures
• Using public bathrooms

Emotional symptoms of avoidant personality include:
  • Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations
  • Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know
  • Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous
  • Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself
  • Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation

Physical symptoms of avoidant personality include:

• Feeling dizzy or faint
• Racing heart or tightness in chest
• Red face, or blushing
• Shortness of breath
• Sweating or hot flashes
• Trembling or shaking (including shaky voice)
• Upset stomach, nausea (i.e. butterflies)

For kids and teens with avoidant personality, evaluating for the presence of psychiatric disorders, particularly major depression, substance abuse, and other anxiety disorders, is extremely important. Because “social anxiety tendencies” are often found in other family members, a family psychiatric history is beneficial. 
 

Help for Children with Avoidant Personality—

1. Avoid or limit caffeine. Coffee, tea, caffeinated soda, energy drinks, and chocolate act as stimulants that increase anxiety symptoms.

2. Challenge negative, unhelpful thoughts that trigger and fuel social anxiety, replacing them with more balanced views.

3. Drink only in moderation. You may be tempted to drink before a party or other social situation in order to calm your nerves, but alcohol actually increases your anxiety in the long run.

4. Face the social situations you fear in a gradual, systematic way, rather than avoiding them.

5. Get adequate sleep. When you’re sleep deprived, you’re more vulnerable to anxiety. Being well rested will help you stay calm in social situations.

6. Learn how to control the physical symptoms of social anxiety through relaxation techniques and breathing exercises.

7. Quit smoking. Nicotine is a powerful stimulant. Smoking leads to higher, not lower, levels of anxiety.

8. Take a social skills class or an assertiveness training class. These classes are often offered at local adult education centers or community colleges.

9. Volunteer doing something you enjoy, such as walking dogs in a shelter, or stuffing envelopes for a campaign — anything that will give you an activity to focus on while you are also engaging with a small number of like-minded people.

10. Work on your communication skills. Good relationships depend on clear, emotionally-intelligent communication. If you find that you have trouble connecting to others, learning the basic skills of emotional intelligence can help.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

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