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Tantrums & Meltdowns in the Classroom: Guidelines for Teachers of Aspergers and HFA Students

Every teacher of Aspergers and high functioning autistic (HFA) kids can expect to witness some meltdowns. At school, there are predictable situations that can be expected to trigger meltdowns, such as transitions between activities, on the school bus, getting ready to work, interactions with other kids, directives from the teacher, group activities, answering questions in class, individual seat work, and the playground.

Characteristics of Meltdowns in Aspergers and HFA Kids—

All young kids from time to time will whine, complain, resist, cling, argue, hit, shout, run, and defy their teachers. Meltdowns, although normal, can become upsetting to teachers because they are embarrassing, challenging, and difficult to manage. On the other hand, meltdowns can become special problems when they occur with greater frequency, intensity, and duration than is typical for the age of the youngster. 

There are nine different types of temperaments in these special needs young people:
  • Distractible temperament predisposes the youngster to pay more attention to his or her surroundings than to the teacher.
  • High intensity level temperament moves the youngster to yell, scream, or hit hard when feeling threatened.
  • Hyperactive temperament predisposes the youngster to respond with fine- or gross-motor activity.
  • Initial withdrawal temperament is found when kids get clingy, shy, and unresponsive in new situations and around unfamiliar people.
  • Irregular temperament moves the youngster to escape the source of stress by needing to eat, drink, sleep, or use the bathroom at irregular times when he or she does not really have the need.
  • Low sensory threshold temperament is evident when the youngster complains about tight clothes and people staring and refuses to be touched by others.
  • Negative mood temperament is found when kids appear lethargic, sad, and lack the energy to perform a task.
  • Negative persistent temperament is seen when the youngster seems stuck in his or her whining and complaining.
  • Poor adaptability temperament shows itself when kids resist, shut down, and become passive-aggressive when asked to change activities.

Prevention for Teachers of Students on the Autism Spectrum—

It is much easier to prevent meltdowns than it is to manage them once they have erupted. Here are some tips for preventing meltdowns in the classroom:
  • Avoid boredom. Say, “You have been working for a long time. Let’s take a break and do something fun.”
  • Change environments, thus removing the youngster from the source of the meltdown. Say, “Let’s read a book.”
  • Choose your battles. Teach kids how to make a request without a meltdown and then honor the request. Say, “Try asking for that pencil nicely and I’ll get it for you.”
  • Create a safe environment that kids can explore without getting into trouble. Childproof your classroom so kids can explore safely.
  • Distract kids by redirection to another activity when they tantrum over something they should not do or cannot have. Say, “Let’s read a book together.”
  • Do not ask kids to do something when they must do what you ask. Do not ask, “Would you like to study now?” Say, “It’s study time now.”
  • Establish routines and traditions that add structure. Start class with a sharing time and opportunity for interaction.
  • Give kids control over little things whenever possible by giving choices. A little bit of power given to the youngster can stave off the big power struggles later. “Which do you want to do first, work on reading or writing?”
  • Increase your tolerance level. Are you available to meet the youngster’s reasonable needs? Evaluate how many times you say, “No.” Avoid fighting over minor things.
  • Keep a sense of humor to divert the youngster’s attention and surprise the youngster out of the tantrum.
  • Keep off-limit objects out of sight and therefore out of mind. In an art activity keep the scissors out of reach if kids are not ready to use them safely.
  • Provide pre-academic, behavioral, and social challenges that are at the youngster’s developmental level so that the youngster does not become frustrated.
  • Reward kids for positive attention rather than negative attention. During situations when they are prone to meltdowns, catch them when they are being good and say such things as, “Nice job sharing with your friend.”
  • Signal kids before you reach the end of an activity so that they can get prepared for the transition. Say, “When the timer goes off 5 minutes from now it will be time to turn in your work.”
  • When visiting new places or unfamiliar people explain to the youngster beforehand what to expect. Say, “Stay with your assigned buddy in the museum.”

Intervention for Teachers of Aspergers and HFA Students—

There are a number of ways to handle a meltdown. Strategies include the following:

• Avoid shaming the youngster about being angry. Kids in healthy families are allowed to express all their feelings, whether they are pleasant or unpleasant. They are not criticized or punished for having and expressing feelings appropriately, including anger.

• If the youngster has escalated the tantrum to the point where you are not able to intervene in the ways described above, then you may need to direct the youngster to time-out. In school warn the youngster up to three times that it is necessary to calm down and give a reminder of the rule. If the youngster refuses to comply, then place him or her in time-out for no more than 1 minute for each year of age.

• Learn to deal with your own and others' anger. When teachers discipline out of anger or with expectations that are inappropriate for the age of their youngster, they often make mistakes in the way they react. The place to begin is with ourselves. When we feel calm, we can model effective anger and conflict management.

• Maintain open communication with your student. Consistently and firmly enforce rules and explain the reasons for the rules in words your student can understand. Still, you can listen well to his protests about having to take a test or measles shot.

• Notice, compliment and reward appropriate behavior. Teaching your student to do the right things is better (and easier) than constantly punishing bad behavior. Kids who get a steady diet of attention only for bad behavior tend to repeat those behaviors because they learn that is the best way to get our attention, especially if we tend to be overly authoritarian.

• Remain calm and do not argue with the youngster. Before you manage the youngster, you must manage your own behavior. Yelling at the youngster will make the tantrum worse.

• Talk with the youngster after the youngster has calmed down. When the youngster stops crying, talk about the frustration the youngster has experienced. Try to help solve the problem if possible. For the future, teach the youngster new skills to help avoid meltdowns such as how to ask appropriately for help and how to signal a teacher that the he or she knows they need to go to “time away” to “stop, think, and make a plan.” Teach the youngster how to try a more successful way of interacting with a peer, how to express his or her feelings with words and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.

• Teach kids about intensity levels of anger. By using different words to describe the intensity of angry feelings (e.g., annoyed, aggravated, irritated, frustrated, angry, furious, enraged), kids as young as 2 1/2 can learn to understand that anger is a complex emotion with different levels of energy.

• Teach understanding and empathy by calling your student's attention to the effects of his or her actions on others. Invite the youngster to see the situation from the other person's point of view. Healthy kids feel remorse when they do something that hurts another. Authoritative discipline helps them develop an internal sense of right and wrong. Remember, a little guilt goes a long way, especially with an Aspergers youngster.

• Think before you act. Count to 10 and then think about the source of the youngster’s frustration, this youngster’s characteristic temperamental response to stress (hyperactivity, distractibility, moodiness), and the predictable steps in the escalation of the meltdown.

• Try to discover the reason for your student's anger or meltdown. What does he or she want and is not getting? The reasons kids have meltdowns vary: to get attention, get someone to listen, protest not getting their way, get out of doing something they do not want to do, punish a teacher for going away, for power, for revenge, from fear of abandonment, etc. Let the youngster know the behavior is unacceptable. Talk calmly.

• Try to intervene before the youngster is out of control. Get down at the youngster’s eye level and say, “You are starting to get revved up, slow down.” Now you have several choices of intervention.

• You can ignore the tantrum if it is being thrown to get your attention. Once the youngster calms down, give the attention that is desired.

• You can place the youngster in time away. Time away is a quiet place where the youngster goes to calm down, think about what he or she needs to do, and, with your help, make a plan to change the behavior.

• You can positively distract the youngster by getting the youngster focused on something else that is an acceptable activity. For example, you might remove the unsafe item and replace with an age-appropriate toy.

Post-Tantrum Management—
  • Do not reward the youngster after a tantrum for calming down. Some kids will learn that a meltdown is a good way to get a treat later.
  • Explain to the youngster that there are better ways to get what he or she wants.
  • Never let the meltdown interfere with your otherwise positive relationship with the youngster.
  • Never, under any circumstances, give in to a tantrum. That response will only increase the number and frequency of the tantrums.
  • Teach the youngster that anger is a feeling that we all have and then teach her ways to express anger constructively.

Beyond the Tantrum Stage—

Most tantrums and angry outbursts come and go as Aspergers and HFA kids and youth grow in their ability to use language and learn to solve problems using words. But occasionally, fits of temper and violence persist into elementary school and may signal serious problems. Sometimes there are biological sources of anger that require diagnosis by a physician or psychologist.

If someone is getting hurt or if you use the suggestions listed in this fact sheet and nothing seems to work, it is time to get professional help. Ask a physician, school guidance counselor or psychologist for names of those skilled in working with autistic kids on anger issues. Or, check the yellow pages under counselors, for psychologists and marriage and family therapists who specialize in autism-related behavioral problems.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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By

Preventing Temper Tantrums in Children with Asperger's Syndrome

Kids with Aspergers (high functioning autism) have difficulty in communication, a wish for everything to stay the same, and sticking to their favorite routines. They can get very angry and upset if something unexpected happens or when they do not understand what they are told or what is expected from them.

Their frustration levels are much higher and even the slightest thing can set them off. To outsiders their sometimes violent tantrums seem to be without a cause. As a grandparent of a boy with Aspergers, I know from experience there is always a reason for him to express his frustration in such a way.

Typically, rages in Aspergers kids occur when the youngster has experienced a maximum sensory overload and can no longer interpret the environment stimuli occurring around them. The rages and outbursts may occur because of miscommunication between your youngster and another youngster, or when your youngster is simply not able to interpret the communication occurring in their environment.

In most kids with Aspergers, rages occur because of frustration in their ability to interpret and communicate effectively, and in combination with the sensory overload of the activities around them. If you feel that your youngster is experiencing rages, temper tantrums, and outbursts due to environment stimulation complications, it is important to place your youngster in an environment where you can, to some extent, control what happens in the environment. Progressively, over time you can increase the exposure that your youngster experiences in their environment as a way to slowly teach your youngster how to manage and respond to the stimuli without experiencing feelings of rage.

When your youngster lives with Aspergers and has feelings of rage, it is important to understand some of the early warning signs that a temper tantrum is about to occur. In kids with Aspergers, biting of the lower lip or chewing on their play things is quite common when feeling distressed. In addition, your youngster may begin to pick at their hands or fingers and show signs that they want to rock in a chair. Some Aspergers kids, when feeling frustrated, may begin pacing, or even bolt out of a room as a way to alleviate the frustration they feel when too much stimulation is present.

All of these early warning signs are important to signify that a rage is about to occur, and when you see these warning signs in your Aspergers youngster not only should you defuse the situation, but also look around the environment to determine what could possibly be causing the rage to occur. By learning by experience, you can teach your youngster how to more effectively manage their rage and feelings of frustration so as to create a more peaceful, tantrum-free, environment in which to live.

Causes of tantrums—

Kids with Asperger have more trouble communication so are unable to express their frustration in a more acceptable way. Their anxiety level is much higher and they are known for their extreme reactions. It can be as simple as being touched unexpectedly or a stranger bumping into them and they feel it was done on purpose.

Another problem for those with Asperger can be sensory overload. Some kids with Asperger, have great difficulty with their senses such as the feel of their clothes, tags inside their clothes or the taste or texture of certain foods in their mouth. These uncomfortable senses make them feel uneasy and lead to built up stress. Anger tantrums can be a seen as a stress release.

What NOT to do—

One thing I learned over the years is this: never give in when they are throwing an anger tantrum. For example, if your youngster asks for a cookie and has an anger tantrum because you said "no," you will reward him for this behavior if you give him the cookie anyway. This way they are rewarded for their unacceptable behavior - and guess what - they will do it again and again and again because it pays off! I know it’s hard to stay calm, but shouting back will not work. Hitting you youngster will not work either. Realize it is the only way they can get rid of their frustration.

What you can do—

Isolated your youngster or walk away from the scene yourself if you feel unable to control your own feelings. Be direct and tell them they are on time out so they can calm down until they are able to talk about it. Find out the reason why your youngster has an anger tantrum so you both can learn to avoid it in the future. Trying to distract or redirect your youngster might help when they are still young. Holding your youngster firmly and not allowing him or her to escape can work sometimes. It is called holding therapy and it can have a calming effect when deep pressure is put on the body.

What worked for me and my grandson was to put our hands against each other and let him try to push me as far away from him as possible. It would put pressure and strain on his arms and legs and help him to vent his frustrations. Don’t let him push your body or get physical, just pushing through the hands will calm him down. I never gave my kids the idea they should be ashamed for their feelings of frustration or anger. It’s okay to be angry but it’s not okay to hit or hurt somebody because of it. Being angry is not something they are able to control, but they do have a choice what they do with their anger. Try to talk about it to them, create an open communication with your youngster. Support him or her in any way you possibly can.

Just never give in to their expressed wishes while they are angry, or they will learn being angry and throwing anger tantrums will pay off and give them what they wanted in the first place.


==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

 ==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
By

How to Calm an Aspergers Child: 50 Tips for Parents

If you have an Aspergers (high functioning autistic) youngster who has an “anger-control” problem, use these tips to (a) prevent anger outbursts and (b) help calm him down once he has launched into a rage or meltdown:

1. Allow the Aspergers youngster to use his energy in a fun way through jumping, spinning, running, climbing, swinging or other physical activities. Allow him to play-wrestle with pillows or other soft objects since agitated kids seek sensations inherent to the contact from tackling, bumping and crashing.

2. Allow the youngster to perform some heavy chores such as vacuuming, moving objects or cleaning windows and cabinet doors. This helps him focus on completing a necessary task while using his energy in a constructive way. Heavy chores or intense exercises allow kids to experience sensory input to different muscles and joints.

3. Give the youngster a creative outlet through playing with watercolor paints, drawing or coloring or molding with clay or play dough.

4. If another youngster is upsetting the Aspergers child, find out why, then confront the other youngster and ask him or her to apologize. If you have any authority over the troublemaker, then give him/her a minor punishment (not watching TV that day, whatever).

5. Ask the Aspergers youngster to take several deep breaths and count to ten. This breathing and counting technique will help him to react not with impulsivity and anger, but in a calm way.

6. Before you can calm down your kid’s anxiety, you must first learn to calm down your own first. Lead by example, because you can’t put out a fire with another fire.

7. Aspergers kids pick up negative thoughts very quickly and will react and respond to them. So parents need to keep a positive mindset.

8. If your youngster doesn’t have the verbal skills to assert himself in a non-violent way, then teach him. Children love “pretend play” and you can use that to teach them how to react to the things that tend to trigger their rage. Role-play a situation that would normally have your youngster going into meltdown and work out how he can resolve it without his fists and feet flying.

9. Check your own stress levels, because Aspergers kids are often emotional barometers for their parents.

10. The repeated act of chewing and sucking provides agitated kids the necessary oral sensory input that helps them relax. This is why some kids will chew the inside of their mouth when they feel agitated. Replace this destructive habit by giving agitated kids food that requires repeated chewing, such as celery, carrots, lettuce and other crunchy vegetables. Kids can also chew gum or taffy to help them settle down. You can also give the youngster a smoothie to drink using a straw.

11. Aspergers kids have difficulty remaining calm in a hectic environment. Clearing the clutter and taking a "less is more" approach to decorating can reduce the sensory overload on Aspergers kids. The Aspergers youngster's bedroom especially should be free of clutter. Use plastic bins to organize and store all those precious little plastic treasures (that we adults commonly refer to as "junk") and small toys. Open the curtains to provide natural lighting. Keep posters and wall hangings to a minimum. Paint the youngster's bedroom in calming muted colors instead of bright primary colors.

12. Have the Aspergers youngster wear a weighted belt. These therapeutic weight devices are designed to help agitated kids feel grounded by their core and thus more secure as they become aware of their body in relation to their surroundings. Weighted belts help with the youngster's balance and motor skills. The deep pressure stimulates the youngster's sense of positioning to help her refocus and reorganize herself when she is in an agitated state.

13. Allow the agitated youngster to sit in a beanbag chair. The feeling of being hugged helps to relax her when she is too agitated to receive the hug of a parent.

14. Allow the youngster to play in a warm bath or dig in a sandbox. Agitated kids experience a calming effect from the variety of textures.

15. If your child is angry about a privilege being taken away, not getting to have dessert, having to turn off the television, having to go to bed, or simply is having a very bad day, don't be harsh. Be gentle and caring. Try to reason with the youngster. Ask what he/she wants, if they had their way. Do they demand to stay up another half-hour (or whatever)? Make a bargain that they may stay up for ten minutes, but that you would read them a story at bedtime (or whatever). Go halfway and give them a deal. If they still are being a pain, or if you simply can't let them stay up, tell them that they have to go to bed, and give them the reasons why.

16. If you’re in the habit of smacking your youngster in the heat of the moment, you need to express your own frustration more constructively. Smacking in anger teaches kids to strike out when they’re angry. Seeing that you don’t exercise self-control when you’re angry makes them think they don’t have to either.

17. If at all possible, find a space in the house to designate as a relaxation space. It does not have to be a large space but it does need to be away from high activity areas. This little corner (or even a portion of a walk-in closet) can have a beanbag chair and a few books, coloring books or other quiet time activities. Encourage your youngster to go to this space when they become angry or out of control, but never make this a place of punishment. This special spot in the house is a positive place where they can go to settle down, sort things out or just hang out when they need to be alone.

18. If the youngster is upset or angry about something related to one of his/her toys or possessions, ask to see the toy and try to fix it. In the worst-case-scenario, the toy will be permanently broken, and you may want to “put it away so you can fix it properly later”- and wait to see if the youngster forgets about it. If not, you can either buy that youngster a new thing or get it repaired.

19. Aspergers kids thrive in homes that provide routines, consistency and structure. These kids especially need structure and schedules to feel secure in their surroundings. For them, a more "military" approach to routines works better. Waking up, eating meals, doing homework and bed times should all occur at about the same time every day, with few surprises to upset the Aspergers youngster.

20. Give your youngster an alternative to a tantrum. If he is able to identify that he is losing control, or if you notice it yourself, you can suggest another activity. You can often help a youngster calm down with a little distraction.

21. Give your youngster a mini-massage. Touch is very important to some kids. Massaging their temples, giving a shoulder rub or lightly running your fingers through their hair may calm him quickly.

22. Help him work out what he’s feeling. After your youngster has calmed down from a tantrum, gently talk him through it. Ask him what was bothering him and why: “Did you think I wasn’t listening to you?” Like adults, young kids have a variety of feelings. They need to be taught how to label and manage those feelings, especially anger. In order to do this, your youngster needs an emotion vocabulary – and you can provide that by asking questions such as, “Were you angry?” … “Did you feel sad?” … “Were you frightened?”

23. Help your youngster to identify the warning signs leading up to a tantrum. Older kids can even make a list of these warning signs and post them in a visible location. If he is aware of what these signs are, he can then practice the breathing and counting technique.

24. Hold the highest vision for these kids and try not to label them as difficult or nonconformist.

25. Keep them away from caffeinated drinks and anything with added preservatives, coloring and sugar.

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26. Sometimes Aspergers kids need it spelled out so they can see how their behavior relates back to Mom and Dad pulling them up all the time. Your youngster reacts aggressively when you try to enforce rules and limits – so he gets told off. Explain to him in simple terms the connection between those two events: “Jack, being told off makes you cranky. But if you keep hitting and biting, I’m going to keep telling you off. If you stop doing it then I won’t tell you off.”

27. Make sure the youngster is not hurt. Is physical pain upsetting him? If so, and he is hurt, take care of his wound, or bump on the head, etc. If the youngster is still upset, there may be some anger towards the person or thing that caused the injury.

28. Make the effort to really listen to them at least once a day or when you teach them. Many Aspergers kids react negatively to authority, so making time for them on their own will help to build their confidence.

29. Aspergers kids learn to manage their anger by watching the way you manage your own. It’s a sobering thought, but anger habits are learned. The irony is that an aggressive youngster can often be a major trigger for parents to explode, but try not to let your own anger build up. Deal with it as soon as possible, using a calm voice to express how you feel rather than yelling. It’ll have way more impact. And just as you expect your youngster to apologize for bad behavior, get into the habit of apologizing to him if you lose your temper inappropriately. If your youngster’s aggressive behavior is disrupting your home and putting family members or others at risk, and he reacts explosively to even the mildest discipline techniques, see your doctor. She may be able to refer you to a child psychologist or counselor who can teach you new ways of interacting with your youngster that will help you manage his anger more effectively.

30. Many Aspergers kids do not know HOW to calm down or even what “calm” feels like. Explain it to them and discuss it frequently.

31. Do not tolerate aggressive behavior at all, in any way, shape or form. As with every other aspect of parenting, consistency is paramount. The only way to stop your youngster from being aggressive is to make a House Rule that aggression is not acceptable.

32. Offer your child verbal alternatives to his rage: “Maybe you could have said this. Why don’t you try that next time?” If trouble is brewing, remind him by saying, “Use your words, Tom” – and be sure to praise him when he does, perhaps via a Reward Chart with a happy face for every day he doesn’t hit or by saying something like, “I’m so happy you didn’t lose your temper when Alex was playing with your toys.”

33. Put together a "Boredom Box" that provides creative outlets for your Aspergers youngster. Fill this box or plastic storage bin with paint sets, coloring books, crossword puzzles, modeling clay, jewelry making kits and other artistic areas of interest. Some Aspergers kids bore easily and their fast spinning minds need extra stimulation. In the absence of nothing better to do, Aspergers kids will lean on their own devises, and you don't want them doing that. Better that they draw than set the cat on fire.

34. Reassure Aspergers kids that you like them, even though you recognize they are 'highly spirited'.

35. Teach your youngster what calm behavior looks like by showing him you can be calm, too.

36. Remove the youngster from the stressful situation. Lead him to a quiet room or a secluded spot on the playground.

37. Eliminate clutter in the youngster's environment to help structure and focus his energies to prevent repeated outbursts. Do not speak in an agitated or overexcited voice to an agitated youngster since this aggravates the problem. Keep your voice calm while instructing her in concise sentences on what she can do to calm down. Dim the lights so the agitated youngster receives less sensory input from surroundings that she may feel are harsh and which may further distract her.

38. Take your youngster for a walk or send him around the block on his own if he is old enough. Not only does walking burn off toxic energy, the repetitive thump, thump, thump of feet hitting pavement brings the mind back into focus.

39. Taking a mini-vacation with guided imagery. Guided imagery is a powerful relaxation tool for Aspergers kids that pulls their focus to positive thoughts, all the while encouraging creativity in your youngster. You can check out books on this technique at your local library if you want further information on the subject.

40. Deep breathing is an easy technique young kids can use to defuse anger. Show your youngster what to do by placing your hand on your chest and getting him to do the same while taking in two deep breaths. The hand on the chest serves a handy visual cue that you can use to remind your youngster to take a step back from what’s bothering him: just do it if you see him start to get frustrated.

41. Aspergers kids often pay little mind to the effect their behavior might have on everyone else. If your youngster hits, bites or kicks, get down to his level and calmly ask him how he would feel if someone did that to him. Prompt him to give it some thought by saying things like, “If your sister kicked you like that it would hurt you and make you cry.”

42. Give them lots of opportunities to be creative as it helps to release emotional energy.

43. Try aromatherapy!

44. Try fish oil. It has a calming effect.

45. For the youngster who is old enough to write, journaling is an excellent way to untangle frazzled minds and get things off their chest. This technique allows Aspergers kids to spill their internal stresses outside themselves and onto paper. Develop a daily habit of having your youngster write a page or two, depending on their age, about anything that comes to mind. They can write "I hate school, the dog just drooled, the baby's crying is driving me crazy..." - whatever comes to mind. Eventually, they will get to the guts of what is going on inside them. Then rumple or tear the paper up and throw it away. These private internal thoughts are not for you or anyone else to read, ever. Please respect their privacy and let them know they can write anything down without fear of reprimand.

46. Turn it around, and learn from Aspergers kids the gifts of honesty, perseverance, patience and problem-solving.

47. Kids who see aggressive or violent behavior played out on the TV screen or in computer games tend to be more aggressive when they play. If your youngster is consistently aggressive, limit his exposure to it in the media. If he does see it on TV, explain that hitting isn’t a nice way to act and doesn‘t solve problems. Reinforce the message by choosing storybooks and TV shows that promote kindness.

48. Use calming music.

49. Sometimes it is best to leave a youngster to work through a tantrum by removing yourself from the situation. However, you should always ensure that your youngster is in a safe environment and not able to hurt himself.

50. Some parents find that reducing or eliminating certain foods from the diet goes a long way in calming the Aspergers youngster. If your youngster is a finicky eater, you will need to supplement the diet to make sure your he has the fuels needed for his body to function well. Starting the day out with a healthy breakfast balanced with proteins, fats and carbohydrates is important. Sugar cereals are quick and convenient but should not be used as a breakfast mainstay. Fruit juices are high in calories and sugar and not recommended. Instead of juice or sodas, get in the habit of offering plain old H2O. With plenty of bottled waters that offer fruit flavors and vitamin enhancements, getting your kids hydrated is easier now than ever before.


More resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:
By

Hitting, Biting and Kicking: How to Stop Aggressive Behavior in Aspergers Children


"Our 5 y.o. son with Aspergers [high functioning] can be very aggressive when he's frustrated. He's not beyond attacking whoever is the closest to him at the time, especially his playmates and siblings. He will push, spit, hit, kick ...and it's uncontrollable once his anger reaches that level. Any suggestions?!"

Few situations are more difficult to deal with than having a youngster who is aggressive toward other kids. It can be embarrassing as well as frightening when your Aspergers (high functioning autistic) youngster bites, hits, scratches or kicks to get his or her way. It’s not uncommon for younger Aspergers kids to engage in this type of behavior at various points in their development and in a variety of settings.

However, when it becomes very frequent or seems to be their consistent way of reacting to something they don’t like, it’s time to step in and help them change their behavior. The first step is understanding the underlying reasons why your Aspergers youngster is choosing to act out this way. The more you understand what’s happening, the better you’ll be able to help them find other, non-aggressive ways to solve their problems.

Initially, between the ages of 18 months to 2 years, Aspergers kids find it extremely hard to communicate their needs to their moms & dads, caregivers, and other kids. Negative behaviors are one way they may choose to get their point across. For older Aspergers kids between the ages of three and six, such behaviors may be the result of never having learned appropriate, non-aggressive ways of communicating when they were faced with a difficult situation. The cause of aggressive behaviors may be due to any or all of the following:
  • Being placed in a stressful situation
  • Exhaustion
  • Extreme frustration or anger
  • Inadequate speech development
  • Lack of adult supervision
  • Lack of routine
  • Mirroring the aggressive behaviors of other kids around them
  • Over-stimulation
  • Self-defense

One place to begin is to watch your youngster for cues to see if any of the situations described above brings about aggressive behavior. Learning as much as you can about the factors that trigger bad behavior is the best way to combat it when it occurs next time. Some questions you should ask yourself:

• How is his aggressiveness expressed? Is it through angry words or through angry behaviors? Does he become verbally aggressive first and then physically aggressive, or is his first response to strike out and hit?

• What seems to cause your youngster to act out in an aggressive fashion? Is it triggered by frustration, anger, or excitement? Notice if there are patterns. Does he act this way when toys are involved, and he’s frustrated about sharing? Or does he become aggressive when there is too much going on and he’s over-stimulated? If you observe the situations carefully, you will likely notice patterns.

• Who does my youngster hit, bite or kick? Does he do it to one friend in particular? Does he only do it to me? Or does he tend to be aggressive with whomever he is with? If it’s one person in particular, try to find out if there’s a reason why he’s attacking that youngster such as engaging in overly aggressive play, a poor match of temperaments or a lack of clear cut rules before play begins.

By answering these questions, you are on your way to successfully limiting your youngster’s aggressive behavior in the future. In this article, I’ll outline some ways that you can help your youngster become more aware of his aggressive feelings and teach him to calm himself down, or find alternative ways to solve his problems. We’ll also talk about giving consequences to kids when they do lash out and hurt someone. In my experience, consequences are imperative to ending aggressive behavior in young kids.

They teach your youngster that all behaviors have a consequence, whether good or bad, and will help him make better choices in the future when he is with his friends. Once you’ve narrowed down the reasons why your youngster is behaving aggressively, it’s time to intervene.

Step in and Stop it immediately—

At the first sign that your youngster is about to become aggressive, immediately step in and remove him from the situation. Be careful not to give too much attention to your youngster so that you do not give any negative reinforcement for the bad behavior. Too much attention can include trying to “talk through” the problem.

Young kids are not able to hear long explanations of why their behavior was offensive. A simple yet firm statement such as, “We don’t bite” should suffice while you turn your attention to the victim. Other examples of too much attention include yelling at your youngster while attending to the victim, forcing your youngster to apologize immediately or continuing to talk to the other moms & dads around you about how embarrassed or angry you are.

Make a point of consoling the victim and ignoring the aggressor. If your youngster cannot calm down, remove him or her from the situation without getting angry yourself. When they are calm and ready to talk, you can discuss what happened. If it’s physically impossible to remove your youngster, you will have to remove yourself and the victim from the situation.

By walking an age-appropriate distance away from your youngster after he has acted out, you are sending the message that you will attend to him when he can calm down. In doing so, you are teaching your youngster that it is his responsibility to learn to calm himself and act appropriately.

Lower Your Voice, Don’t Raise It—

As moms & dads, we need to show self-control and use gentle words if we want our kids to do the same. It’s easy to respond with yelling or anger, but remember, your youngster is looking to you for cues on how to control his impulses and have good behavior. While it can be terribly embarrassing to have a youngster that continues to act out towards their friends, keep in mind that their negative behavior is most likely happening because they are still navigating their way through their social circles. This can be very difficult for some kids, so try not to over-react or personalize it.

One technique that works very well for some kids is to change the tone and volume of your voice. You can help your youngster stay calm by immediately lowering your voice when attending to the victim as well as to your youngster. If he is unable to calm down, before helping the victim, turn to him and say quietly, “I need you to calm down now. I am going to help Josh and when I am done I want you to be done screaming.”

For some kids this will work, and when your youngster returns to you, calm and collected, feel free to quietly praise him, saying, “Thank you for calming yourself down. We don’t bite. It hurt Josh and he is sad.” Repeat the phrase “We don’t bite” and inform your youngster that if it happens again, the consequence is that you will leave.

If this does not work for your youngster and he simply cannot calm down, leave him where he is (again, at an age-appropriate distance) and ignore the tantrum. Most young kids will not continue to act out if they no longer have an audience.

Practice Ways to De-fuse your Aspergers Child’s Anger—

For younger kids, help them recognize their anger by stating, “I know you're mad, but we don’t hit. No hitting!” For kids aged 3-7, talk about anger as an important feeling. You can practice ways to de-fuse your youngster's anger during calmer moments. You can say, “Sometimes I get angry too. When that happens, I say ‘I’m angry’ and I leave the room.”

You can also teach your youngster how to count to ten until he is less angry, how to do deep breathing in order to calm down, or how to use his words by making statements such as “I am really, really angry right now!” All of these methods help take the immediate focus off of your youngster’s anger and teach them to recognize this important emotion.

Before you enter into a potentially difficult social situation, review the consequences with your youngster about what will happen if he cannot control his anger. Tell your youngster, “I feel you can handle your anger, but if you can’t, we will have to leave the park and not come back until next week. Do you understand?” Make certain that you follow through with whatever consequences you pose to your youngster.

Teach Aspergers Kids that Aggression is wrong—

It’s also important to talk to your kids about aggression during a calm moment. In a steady voice, explain to your youngster that hitting, biting, kicking, and other aggressive behaviors are wrong. For younger kids, those between 18 months and 2 years, keep it simple. Hold them and explain, “No hitting. It is wrong.”

Remember that you may have to repeat this rule numerous times, using the same words, until your youngster gets it. Be firm and consistent each time your youngster becomes aggressive. Have a plan in place for consequences if aggressive behavior starts.

At home, this can include a time-out chair away from the rest of the family where your youngster can stay until he can calm down. If you are away from home, pick a safe place, such as a time-out in a car seat or another place where your youngster is removed from the fun. This reinforces that you are not tolerating aggression in any form.

For older kids, those between 3 and 7, remember that they may be experimenting with cause and effect. In other words, they want to see what you will do when they act out. It’s your job to provide the consequences for the "effect" to work. Since older kids are more verbal, you can use a variety of phrases when they misbehave.

Examples include, “Biting is not OK,” or “Hitting hurts others. You need to stop.” It is okay to tell your little biter/hitter/kicker that once he misbehaves, he’s lost a privilege for the day. Consequences can include leaving a play date immediately or losing video time.

Tell Your Aspergers Child to “Use Your Words”—

Many times kids who display aggressive behaviors simply lack the communication skills necessary to help them through a stressful situation. For a young youngster, biting or hitting someone is a whole lot easier! Plus, aggressive behaviors often give kids a false sense of power over their peers.

It’s up to you to work diligently with your youngster so that he or she can practice the art of diplomacy in a tough situation. Help your youngster find their voice when they feel like acting out. By explaining and then practicing using their words, you are helping them to trade off aggressive behavior in favor of more socially acceptable behavior. Some examples are:

• Teach your youngster to say “No!” to their peers instead of acting aggressively. Too often a youngster reacts negatively to a friend or sibling instead of asserting themselves. By using the simple word “no,” you are helping your youngster to get his point across verbally, not aggressively.

• Give your youngster a series of phrases to use with their friends when they are feeling angry or frustrated. Some examples are, “No, that’s mine,” “I don’t like that!” or “Stop! That hurts.” This helps your youngster substitute words for striking out.

Before you enter a situation that you know may cause your youngster to act aggressively (i.e., a play date or daycare) remind your youngster to “Use your words.” Repeat this to your youngster throughout the course of the week when you feel they are getting frustrated.

Recognize Your Aspergers Child’s Limitations—

This means knowing when to leave a potentially volatile situation or choosing to engage your youngster in a different activity to avoid aggressive confrontations. If you know that your youngster targets a particular youngster at play group, you may have to hold off going to play group for a few weeks until he learns to control himself. Or, if certain videos, games, or activities frustrate your youngster, remove them from your daily routine to see if this has a placating effect on your youngster’s behavior.

Finally, if your youngster is exhausted, hungry, or over-stimulated, respect that and engage in low-key, slow-paced activities that will make aggression less likely. With your older, more verbal youngster, talk openly about situations that make him angry and work together to come up with solutions to help him through the problem next time.

Be Appreciative of their Efforts—

When you catch your youngster being good, be sure to praise their hard work and efforts. For instance, if you observe your kids in a power struggle over a toy that ends in them working it out peacefully with their friend, tell them how proud you are that they chose to use their words instead of resorting to aggression to get their way. Look for and continue to praise good behavior as a way to motivate your kids to do better next time.

What Not to Do—

• Do not expose your youngster to violent television or video games. Too often TV and videos portray the most violent character as the hero, which sends the message that violence is a means to an end for problem-solving. This message can easily be avoided if you are on top of their viewing habits. While TV or video violence may not affect some kids, it may greatly influence others who have a tendency to act out aggressively with their friends. By knowing your youngster’s temperament and what he or she can withstand, you are helping them on their way towards their best behavior possible.

• Do not personalize your youngster’s bad behavior. All too often moms & dads get frustrated and angry at their youngster when they are aggressive, because many times we feel that our youngster’s poor behavior is a reflection of our parenting skills. If you have an aggressive youngster, switch your focus towards helping them express themselves in a more appropriate way and follow through when an incident occurs.

• Never bite or hit back. It can be tempting to want to teach your youngster a lesson in how it feels to be the victim of aggression, but when you succumb to a childlike form of communication, you are teaching your youngster that aggression is the answer to resolving a conflict. Even though it’s difficult, try your best to maintain your composure.

When Aggression is Extreme—

While aggression can be normal in many kids, you should be aware of when your youngster’s behavior has gone beyond the scope of what is considered within the normal boundaries for their developmental level. Look for the following signs in your youngster:
  • A pattern of defiant, disobedient, or hostile behavior towards you or other authority figures such as teachers or day care providers. A pattern means behavior that is not fleeting, but is chronic and does not respond to the above interventions.
  • Acts annoyed or is chronically touchy
  • Acts spiteful or vindictive
  • Blames others
  • Constantly argues with adults
  • Deliberately engages in activities that knowingly annoy others
  • Exhibits ongoing anger
  • Loses their temper easily

It is important to recognize that all young kids may exhibit any or all of the above problems at some point during their development. However, if your youngster persistently displays these behaviors and it affects their daily functioning, such as their ability to behave at school or maintain friendships, contact your pediatrician, as it may indicate that they have other psychological problems that need attention. In this case, you will need to have your youngster evaluated by a mental health professional.

Parenting an aggressive child with Asperger Syndrome can be one of the greatest challenges you will face as you weave your way through the maze of his or her development. Even though it may seem like it at times, it’s not impossible to teach your youngster new and appropriate ways to interact with other kids and the adults around them. The key is developing a clear, uncomplicated, consistent plan and following it in a composed manner. Remember: the best example of appropriate behavior is you, and your young kiddo is watching.

==> My Aspergers Child: Help for Parents with Aggressive Aspergers Children
By

Reducing Parental Stress While Raising Children on the Autism Spectrum

Question

My wife and I feel like the world's worst parents. Our 12-year-old daughter (high functioning) pushes us to the breaking point daily. We try to manage her behaviors appropriately, but we often end up yelling. We know her behaviors are not her fault. But in the heat of the moment, our best intentions are overwhelmed by 12 years of frustration. We have talked to a psychologist for family counseling, but just got a lot of sympathy. We love our daughter and want to do a better job.

Answer

The first thing you have to realize is that you are not the world's worst parents. The fact that you are seeking help is evidence of this. Over time, relationships develop patterns, and sometimes these can be self-defeating. Yelling is the result of your frustrations with a situation that seems to have no solution at the time. I remember how angry I was when my Aspergers grandson (high functioning) was 9-years-old. I had a hard time accepting his Aspergers-related behavior. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder – always ready to correct him by yelling at him.

In terms of behavior, you and your wife can learn some straight forward behavioral techniques that will help. You need strategic guidance – not just sympathy. I appreciate your courage in being honest about how you feel. Anger, one of the most intense and least understood human emotions, is probably the scariest and most socially unacceptable emotion to own up to. It often arises with the thought, "Why me? Why did I do to deserve this?" It is normal for moms and dads of "special needs" children to get frustrated and direct anger at their youngster, themselves, each other, the doctor, mercury, the local school district, etc. Many parents in your situation also feel guilty (e.g., “It’s probably my fault that my child has an autism spectrum disorder”).



As with most negative patterns of behavior, it is likely that you promise yourself on a daily basis that this time you will not yell, but at this point your relationship with your daughter ends up in the same place because nobody can figure a way out of the trap. Things may need to be set up differently in your home to help you optimize your relationship with your little girl. Your daughter may be reacting to things that many of us would not realize or understand. She may not understand or be able to let you know what it is. The bottom line is this: you may simply lack some of the skills necessary for raising an autistic youngster, and that is not surprising given the level of complications that these kids often bring.

Some of the behaviors of kids with high functioning autism (HFA) and Asperger's can push any one of us to our breaking point. It is important to remember though, as you stated yourself, that your daughter is not purposely pushing you to your breaking point, just as you are not purposely "breaking."

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

So what can be done?

First, be sure to watch out for a faulty belief system (i.e., negative self-talk) that contributes to parental stress (which results in much anger, frustration, and yelling). For example:
  • Giving 100% every day is what every parent is expected to do.
  • I refuse to let anyone else care for - or influence - my ‘special needs’ child.
  • I should always deny my own needs for rest and recreation in order to help my child.
  • I should do everything for my child and not require her to take on responsibilities she can’t handle.
  • I should feel guilty if I need a break or want some attention for myself.
  • I should spend every possible moment with my child.
  • I will be seen by society as a good and honorable person because of the effort I put into being a good mother/father.
  • My child should “like” me.
  • My child should appreciate everything I do for her.
  • One role in my life (i.e., the role of parent) can satisfy all my needs and can support all my dreams.
  • Other people must see me as a good parent, able to handle everything.
  • The success or failure of my child depends entirely on me.

Any of these beliefs (or ones similar to them) will directly translate into anger and frustration. Here are some ways to counteract a faulty belief system:
  • Be able to live in the presence of imperfection.
  • Boost your own self-confidence.
  • Develop a support system by sharing honestly your feelings of frustration, anger, and concern.
  • Develop the positive belief that you can control destiny.
  • Be selfish (in a healthy way).
  • Free yourself from needing outside approval.
  • Learn to catch yourself when you say negative statements to yourself and challenge them.
  • Learn to tolerate change (because kids with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism change a lot over time).
  • Practice positive thinking by daily affirmations; repeat positive messages to yourself over and over.
  • View love, affection, and approval from your child as a bonus – not a “need.”
  • See the positive side of stress.
  • Understand anger and use it constructively; control anger by controlling wishes.

Other things that contribute to parental stress:
  • Coping with difficult autism-related behaviors
  • Dealing with the school about your child's placement or program
  • Educating neighbors and relatives about your child's issues
  • Financial pressures
  • Getting your child in the right school
  • Home-schooling your child
  • Helping her with homework
  • Helping siblings understand the problems associated with the disorder
  • Working with your “not-too-involved” spouse on child management
  • Dealing with unexpected meltdowns (especially in public)

How to cope with parental stress associated with raising a child on the spectrum:

1. Analyze problems thoroughly:
  • Describe the problem with a specific statement.
  • State how it could be worse and how it could be better.
  • Determine what is keeping it from getting better.
  • Propose solutions for the things over which you have control.
  • Plan action.

2. Use time management:
  • List priorities – both short and long term.
  • Do a time use audit.
  • Compare time use with priority of goals.

3. Develop assertiveness:
  • Know your limits, and be realistic about what you can accomplish. Say no to unreasonable demands.
  • Learn about your child's problems and needs so that you can be an active participant in meetings with school personnel and can offer suggestions to coaches, neighbors, and relatives.

4. Address physiological stressors:
  • Recognize that children with special needs require exceptional amounts of energy. In order to replenish energy, parents need to be sure they get sufficient rest, eat well balanced meals, and exercise vigorously.
  • Learn meditation or relaxation techniques to use when they feel stressed, anxious, or fatigued.

5. Use other stress-reducing strategies:
  • Find a place of retreat (e.g., the bathroom or the car), and go there for cooling off when the tension is very great.
  • Follow your physician's advice.
  • Hire out or trade off chores that are time consuming and distasteful. Sometimes it is well worth paying someone else to do those chores so that you have more time and energy to devote to yourself and your family.
  • Make recreation and relaxation a priority, so that you have some time off during the week. Studies have shown that psychologically healthy families have “less-than-perfect” housekeeping.
  • Team up with a spouse or friend for time off.
  • Use relaxation tapes or exercises to calm down after a hectic day.

It may help you to think about what other feelings you may have besides the frustration and the anger (e.g., fear, sorrow, worry). What would be there if the anger disappeared? Moms and dads like you are trying to make sense out of what has happened (e.g., "If we are good parents, then how come we can’t get our child to behave appropriately – even if she has this ‘disorder’?"). Moms and dads of HFA and Asperger's children need to allow themselves to experience anger, to cry, and to scream. It is all part of the grief process. Indeed the disorder can be tough to live with, but trying to deny or minimize how hard it is to have such a youngster only prolongs the suffering you are describing.

Anger is a reflection of the hurt and fear. Gaining perspective, along with time and compassion, can help curb the associated frustrations. It is probably worth another try to connect with a mental health professional who can guide you through this. If nothing else, your daughter will teach you to be patient with what you can’t change.


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PARENTS' COMMENTS:

 •    Anonymous said… ABA Therapy has been a life changer & life saver for our family.
•    Anonymous said… All these so called therapists cost money its easier said than done ,my son and daughter in law have a massive problem with their son no help here in nz its shocking they love him as i do but at times who knows what triggers him off but he also brings them to breaking point. The temper is unleashed and its shocking so I feel sorry for you as our country is so far behind the times its not funny.
•    Anonymous said… Excellent tips for the guilt ridden parent. Thank you!
•    Anonymous said… For therapy, seek out a Cognitive Behavior therapist who has worked with Aspie teens.
•    Anonymous said… I can so relate to this. Our daughter is 9. She is not yet diagnosed but I am convinced she has aspergers. It's tearing our family apart. And the reality is that not even good, conscious parents can deal with this alone as a team. It really takes other people, professionals community and family. So far we have had zero help or support. professionals have not made the diagnosis hence we are not getting appropriate professional support, family writes her off as a brat and blames our parenting for her meltdowns and rigid thinking. Community rejects her and does the same as family. I guess if nothing else, take heart that you as a couple are at least both on the same page and fighting for her. I often feel like I am fighting for her alone as my partner frequently forgets her challenges and adopts the same attitude as everyone else. His responses to her frequently exascerbates her issues. As patient as I force myself to be majority of the time I get to the point of yelling as well as breaking down to tears. But they are our children and we have to keep going and fighting for them no matter what. There is no other choice. I have to remind myself daily that difference is not deficit and that her wiring is beneficial in so many ways to our rigidly conformist society. Someday she will find her niche and thrive. I have to believe our girls came here to change this world. It needs a change.
•    Anonymous said… I do not engaged with my son in a meltdown. I will say to him I understand. (I do too) He has 2 rules keep his hands and mouth to himself. I stay matter of fact. He goes to his room to calm down. When he is calm we talk about what happened and why. write down the rules make a plan. If he gets verbal to me He looses computer for the day. I really think it is a lack of not knowing the right way to communicate. He is 16 now and much better. No more 4 hour meltdowns. It does get better. Hang in there.
•    Anonymous said… I feel you... Going through the same thing with my ASD Miss 7 frown emoticon
•    Anonymous said… If you haven't addressed diet...I highly recommend...removing dyes and gluten and minimizing sugars were game changers...helped reduce frustration and what we call "tunnel vision". We also do ABA...it gives him practice on appropriate skills and makes him more aware of his own being. We also incorporate essential oils and it has drastically changed his moods...less meltdowns and anxiety!! Good luck! Jr High age is some of the most difficulty years for an aspie kid is what we hear over and over! Try your best to create your own rules where you disengage by using breathing technique or counting or whatever...so you aren't wasting negative energy and increasing your own stress! I have a phrase I say over and over in my head when I find myself overwhelmed or engaging in useless behaviors like yelling "relax and be productive...relax and be productive " I repeat till I feel calm and generally that gives my son time as well...and I tell him...I need a minute because I love you and my only goal is to help!
•    Anonymous said… I've found more help on fb sites than any doctor. Start with one issue to work on at a time so it's not overwhelming. And keep asking fb sites questions. We are the ones dealing with it and can instantly give ideas. Our 12 yr daughter has been taken out of school and placed into a Montessori type school that has only 25 kids K-8th grade. That helped a ton. After a year when she ages out I don't know what we'll do, probably homeschool and get her in small group clubs/activities . Also, a chiropractor has helped us greatly, as well as a sensory specialist
We also use quality probiotics, vit D, omegas, and no dairy . Reducing stress for all of us has been our priority
•    Anonymous said… My 15 year old son was just diagnosed this past February with aspergers so needless to say we missed out on all the early interventions. Now we are dealing with an out of control teen with melt downs. He is now in an inpatient facility awaiting for a residential treatment program to be approved. Does anyone know of any good facilities on Pennsylvania.
•    Anonymous said… My son is 14 and just recently got diagnosed. I choose my battles wisely. I just got him to do dishes. He wont do them all but he will do one sink full. I build from there.
•    Anonymous said… Our daughter was diagnosed at 12. One thing we have found that works well, on the advice of her therapy team, is to give very concrete answers when she asks for something. Not knowing if or when she'd get something she was asking for would crank up her anxiety. For example, she'd ask when she'd get to go xyz. I'd tell her, we'll see. Her behavior would deteriorate and she'd get cranky. Now I tell her, at 4PM or no earlier than 4PM, I will have a definite answer then. Somehow that calms her down. If she continues to ask, our code word is "badgering". She understands, based on conversations we have when she's in a relaxed mood, that if she badgers, she won't get what she wants at all.
•    Anonymous said… Read the posts on this page and ask a ton of questions. My son was not diagnosed until he was 11. I researched where I could take him for testing and diagnoses. It was a true life saver. I had an older daughter who put me through hell, but then I had a son I was losing and had to learn how to be HIS parent. I stopped listening to others about what I should be doing and started asking others on here how they handled it. It completely changed our lives. The normal parenting rules do not work for these kids. But once you start working together these are the biggest blessings ever. My son is easy now.
•    Anonymous said… we need this today. Read some of the comments. We are not alone.
•    Anonymous said… Believe me, you have an army of friends here that are exactly the same. Its tough...we try our best and at the end of the day we love our children despite what we go through.
•    Anonymous said… Hang in there and know you're not alone! Best advice I was given was when your child yells at you, she wants the negative feed back of you yelling back. Don't give in. Tell them "I love you too much to argue", or "I only argue on Tuesdays at 2:30 pm" just something over and over that they understand you're not going to engage with them. Be a robot. Take the emotion out of it. It's SOO hard, but important and it works.
•    Anonymous said… It may help to have some comforting items in the area to distract or something she can take her anger out on. We have pets so that helps my daughter disengage. Also she uses noise cancelling headphones to calm herself. However, at the beginning of dealing with her outbursts I would leave stacks of paper for her to tear up and stomp on when she was angry or punch pillows. Allowing her to express her emotions deliberately on items we had agreed upon together seemed to work for a while. But sometimes she would refuse to use this strategy for her anger and I would be at a loss. Hang in there!!!
•    Anonymous said… My 10 yr old is just in the process of a diagnosis so I am very new to this. A big problem I have is she won't allow me to step away. She will follow me!! Any tips on getting her to understand we need to break and calm down?
•    Anonymous said… SAME....I feel like we've lived 15 years of hell & I hate feeling soooo depleted & exhausted.....I feel like I can't even enjoy my son & being a mom because everything is chaos 24/7......know you're not alone!!! It's the worst feeling in the world 😢 😢 😢 😢
•    Anonymous said… Talk to someone who doesn't just offer sympathy, but someone who can suggest coping skills for you as parents, siblings, and your child (struggling the most). Sometimes you have to try out a few therapists before you find someone who is more effective. My daughter's therapist invites family members in on sessions to have family discussions on how everyone can work together to manage emotions and frustrations on all sides. Also, deep breaths. Sometimes my 9 year old ADHD/Aspergers daughter drives me to the brink of insanity....I have to always remember to step away and stop speaking. Breathe. Create space. When the heat of the moment passes, everyone can communicate more logically and rationally about what led up to the situation and how to cope and/or prevent the next occurrence. It sounds like you all have the right mindset and heart is in the right place, these things take time and effort and so much patience. But oh how lucky our kids to have us rock star parents  :D hugs xo
•    Anonymous said… Thanks for posting moms...everyday is a struggle.. It's hard not to lose it  😔
•    Anonymous said… We constantly have to remind ourselves that no one is perfect. The frustration can get off the charts but we love our kids and sometimes we have to go loud. You are not alone.
•    Anonymous said… You are definitely not alone and we are all only human

 Post your comment below...

By

Angry Outbursts in Teenagers on the Autism Spectrum

Question

My son is 13 years old; he has been previously diagnosed with high functioning autism, adhd and obsessive compulsive disorder. My son lived with his father for six months while I recovered from a nervous breakdown. When I got custody of him again he was very aggressive, would hit his 6 year old brother and call him names and put him down. My ex gave him no discipline from what I gather from my son, he told me he had to raise his six year old brother for them six months. He blames me for the divorce between me and his father. I have bipolar and he doesn’t seem to understand that I am different too and that I need him to cooperate and help me as much as possible. He’s too focused on his ocd, his adhd and his autism and he uses all of these things for an excuse for all of the negative behaviors he is having.

In the last past year he has changed 3 schools, and moved to a new area, which he says he hates. I’m wondering if he will adjust to the new setting and new rules that I have for him. I think some of it is the teenage years; he uses profanity often and shows aggression to get his way no matter what the consequences. I want to help my son but I don’t know what to do. His brother is totally opposite; he does what I tell him and goes by all of the rules.

How do I get my son to show me respect and work on his attitude without so many angry outbursts which could get me evicted from our apartment? I go with the flow to keep things as quiet as possible but things get worse, if I threaten to take his games he threatens and has went as far as walking out of the door leaving me to find him. Am I dealing with autism, Adhd, compulsive disorder or just an unruly teenager? I think it is all of them. I was wondering if there is an autism training center that could come in and work with my son. I am desperate at this point and will do anything to help my child to stay on the right track, I worry that he is headed for suicide or prison. I am very concerned for him, he’s happy as long as I cater to him, but when I stand up for what I think is right he rebels and I pay dearly. Please help.

Answer

Parents of High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) and Asperger's (AS) children/teens will face many behavior problems (e.g., aggression and violent behavior, anger, depression, and many other problematic behaviors). Part of the problem stems from (a) the conflict between longings for social contact and (b) an inability to be social in ways that attract friendships and relationships.
 

HFA and AS adolescents possess a unique set of attitudes and behaviors:
  • Adolescents with the disorder tend to be physically and socially awkward, which makes them a frequent target of school bullies. Low self-esteem caused by being rejected and outcast by peers often makes these adolescents even more susceptible to “acting-out” behaviors at home and school.
  • These teenagers rely on routine to provide a sense of control and predictability in their lives. Another characteristic of the disorder is the development of special interests that are unusual in focus or intensity. These young people may become so obsessed with their particular areas of interest that they get upset and angry when something or someone interrupts their schedule or activity.
  • Adolescents on the autism spectrum often suffer from “mindblindness,” which means they have difficulty understanding the emotions others are trying to convey through facial expressions and body language. The problem isn’t that adolescents with Aspergers can’t feel emotion, but that they have trouble expressing their own emotions and understanding the feelings of others. “Mindblindness” often give parents the impression that their HFA or AS teen is insensitive, selfish and uncaring.
  • They can be extremely sensitive to loud noise, strong smells and bright lights. This can be a challenge in relationships as adolescents on the spectrum may be limited in where they can go on, how well they can tolerate the environment, and how receptive they are to instruction from parents and teachers.
  • Social conventions are a confusing maze for adolescents with the disorder. They can be disarmingly concise and to the point, and may take jokes and exaggerations literally. Because they struggle to interpret figures of speech and tones of voice that “neuro-typicals” naturally pick up on, they may have difficulty engaging in a two-way conversation. As a result, they may end up fixating on their own interests and ignoring the interests and opinions of others.

Focus on prevention and on helping your son to develop communication skills and develop a healthy self-esteem. These things can create the ability to develop relationships and friendships, lessening the chances of having issues with anger.

Anger is often prevalent in HFA and AS when rituals can't get accomplished or when the teen's need for order or symmetry can't be met. Frustration (over little things that usually don't bother others) can lead to anger and sometimes violent outbursts. This kind of anger is best handled through cognitive-behavioral therapy that focuses on maintaining control in spite of the frustration of not having their needs met.

Rest assured, communication skills and friendship skills can be taught to teens (and even adults) on the spectrum, which can eliminate some of the social isolation they feel. This can avert or reverse many anger control issues.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...


PARENTS'  COMMENTS:

*   Anonymous said... I'd like to say to you this. My son has Aspergers/Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He too present with anger, negativity and outbursts with authority figures. One thing I learned early on, NEVER walk on broken glass waiting to get cut! Never let things go with ease to avaoid a melt down. Set clear limits he understands with clear consequences he also understands. Get your child the help hhe needs NOW before it's too late with the laws in your State. Many parents of Spectrum children do not understand the Laws that protect the child and hinder the parents. As with my son, at the age of 14 in our State children have the RIGHT to not participate in therapy of any sort including Mental Health Services. If and when your child is made aware of the Laws you should be prepared as we were not as we did not even know the Law existed. My son is as I've said now 17. He is reminded daily that no matter what his diagnosis are, he is bound by the same laws as the rest of the world. Dealing with anger outbursts are horrifying to say the least. It takes a toll on your entire family dynamics. Having a younger child watch this behavior will lead them to issues with outbursts as well. I also have a 7 yr old who learns from his brothers behavior. We do the same, set limits, make rules and make consequences clearly understood and FOLLOW THROUGH! NEVER let your guilt for the diagnosis to interfere with following through! This will by far be your biggest mistake. For yourself, establish a support system, keep time for yourself, try to stay positive at all times and again use your support system. If and when violence erupts, call the police to intervene and make sure they are aware of the diagnosis before they arrive for it can cause a bigger problem as well as a negative outcome all around.
 
•    Anonymous said… Communication is hard and understanding is wanted. Those that act out are in pain themselves..
 
•    Anonymous said… I have been dealing with this for 16 years. Therapy is a on going process. If the behavior is out of control. I would suggest a inpatient treatment facility. This will allow for continued therapy and behavior modification. Trust me.. I know this well. You are not along.
 
•    Anonymous said… I know this comment may sound soft and shallow, but believe me, as a single parent of an autistic/Asperger's son prone to violent outbursts just like the rest of you, all I can offer is for you the parent to take care of yourself. For me it was Transcendental Meditation. It calms me like nothing else and for some bizarre reason it calms my son, even though he's not the one meditating. I'm not affiliated and not trying to pitch them, but you need to do something CALMING for yourself. Every child is different and requires a unique strategy to cope, and so does every parent. Bless everyone here and let's try to keep our heads and hearts clear.
 
•    Anonymous said… Well i give my son 1 for being good and its been working i got him on ssi and he had outbursts 3 times before i decided this and i took one day at a time and for 5 days my son been good no outbursts and i give him options too like if he cant do something for a example my son he wanted to go yesterday to dollar General i said play on ur phone or color or drawl or eat popsicle something to distract him from what he wants til u can do it when ur ready . Take 1day at a time and be calm with him at all times i just started this 2 months ago and im handling it pretty well and he has asperger's and odd so i understand
 
•    Anonymous said… Wow! My son is 15 and this is my life right now, although luckily without the physical aggression. I have to admit it is nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with these severe behavior issues!
 
•    Anonymous said… your beautiful boy sounds like my 8yr old grand son , but these kids live in a completely different world to ours they like to do what they do eat what they eat and if left alone they survive just as well as if we never said a word the more we tell them and yell the worse they get .I have seen the outbursts and man its scary .
 
*     Anonymous said... Not enough focus on reaching out to others on the spectrum, other teens getting together. Organized by the supports already in place to have purposed get togethers for the teens. They just don't cut it , in high school. Highschool is a dead bully zone. Kids there are mean mean mean, if anyone is a bit 'off' they can make their life miserable, too miserable. I would not have my kid enter high school at all, and focus on get togethers with other aspergers kids, and just do it that way, engaging them in activities in the community.

*     Anonymous said...I really dont know what to do my 12 year old shouts at me and says the most horrible things most days and calls me and her sister names im a single mum of 3 and finding it hard to cope ive asked for help since she was 4 and no one does anything she has no therapy and we have no help at all just me because while at school etc she wants to be the same as everyone else she tells them shes fine and the works ok but what she does is bottle all her anxieties frustrations things that havent gone as shes wanted all day etc and lets rip at me when she gest home if something isnt how she wants or she cant have what she wants or things dont go as she expects she has meltdowns that can last hours ive said i will speak to school to see if there is anything they can do to help us she said if i speak to school or anyone else about her shes going to tell them i hit and hurt her i dont do either but do have to hold her when in meltdown to prevent her hurting herself me or someone else or damaging property until shes in either a safer place or calms down i have had a dislocated shoulder a torn rotary cuff in my shoulder which needed surgery to repair and still has limited movement shes broken 3 of my toes and i often end up bruised and sore muscles i have health conditions that mean the above and stress makes me really poorly she knows this but in meltdown does not care at all i do not hit h.  Id stayed out on sat nt my mum had her for the night so i could have a day/nt off her nanna treated her to sweets her favourote programme then on the way home took her clothes shopping she had a good time id been home 10 min and she'd reduced me to tears with shouting at me and calling me names and i got up this morning to the same today i really dont know what to do im so tired and drain from it all ���� im worried about what her future will be

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