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Avoiding Homework-related Meltdowns: 27 Tips for Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“My 11 y.o. child with high functioning autism is very smart, but still struggles with school assignments. There are homework battles, tantrums and meltdowns every night in our house. What can I do to help?”

High-Functioning Autism (HFA) impact the way kids are able to process and understand information. They have a developmental disorder that often creates difficulty with writing, speaking, listening, thinking, spelling, or doing math problems. Many young people on the autism spectrum also have comorbid disorders (e.g., ADHD).



Parents and teachers must understand that children on the spectrum need to be taught differently and need some accommodations to enhance the learning environment. Parents can follow the tips below to create a well-rounded learning atmosphere for the successful completion of homework assignments:

1. At the start of the school year:
  • talk with your child’s educator about your role in helping with homework (e.g., some educators want the parent to monitor homework closely, while others want the parent to simply check to make sure the assignment is completed on time)
  • ask the educator about any guidelines that kids are expected to follow as they complete homework
  • ask about the kinds of assignments that will be given and the purposes for the assignments

2. Know that the educator wants to help you and your “special needs” youngster, even if the two of you disagree about something. When you have a legitimate complaint, rather than going to the principal, give the educator a chance to work out the problem with you and your youngster.

3. Attend school activities as often as possible (e.g., plays, parent-teacher conferences, concerts, open houses, sports events, etc.).

4. If possible, volunteer to help in your youngster's classroom or at special events.

5. Get to know some of your youngster's classmates and their parents so you can build a support network for you and your youngster (this shows your youngster that his home and school are a team!).
 
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

6. If the educator has made it known that children are to do homework on their own, limit your involvement to just making sure that supplies are provided. Too much parental assistance can make your child dependent and takes away from the value of homework as a way for him or her to become independent and responsible.

7. After your youngster has read the homework instructions, ask him to tell you in his own words what the assignment is about (some schools have homework hotlines or websites you can access for assignments in case your youngster misplaced a paper or was absent on the day it was given).

8. Schools have a responsibility to keep parents informed about students’ performance and behavior. Therefore, parents have a right to confront the teacher if they don't find out until report-card time that their youngster is having difficulties. Conversely, you may discover that a problem exists before the educator does. In this case, alert the educator so you can work together to solve the problem in its early stages.

9. Sometimes a child's version of what's going on isn't the same as the educator's version (e.g., your youngster may tell you that her teacher never explains assignments so that she can understand them, but the educator may assert that your youngster isn't paying attention when assignments are given). Thus, check with the educator regarding your child's complaints about homework to make sure everyone is on the same page.

10. To reinforce good study habits at home, you can help your youngster manage time to complete assignments. For example, if he has a history report due in two weeks, discuss all the steps he needs to take to complete it on time, such as: 
  • selecting a topic
  • doing the research by looking up books and other materials on the topic and taking notes
  • figuring out what questions to discuss
  • drafting an outline
  • writing a rough draft
  • revising and completing the final draft

In addition, encourage your youngster to make a chart that shows how much time he expects to spend on each step.

11. “Special needs” kids need reassurance from the people whose opinions they value most—their parents. "You've done a great job" or "Good first draft of your book report!" can go a long way toward inspiring your youngster to complete assignments.

12. HFA kids also need to know when they haven't done their best work. But, be sure to make criticism constructive. For example, “Your educator will understand your ideas better if you use your best handwriting.” Then praise your child when she finishes a neat version. 
 
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

13. Help your youngster make a homework schedule and put it in a place where she will see it often. Writing out assignments will get her used to the idea of keeping track of what's due and when. Also, provide homework folders so your youngster can tuck her assignments for safekeeping in order to help her to stay organized.

14. Some public libraries have homework centers with tutors and other kinds of one-on-one support. Make use of these services as needed.

15. Some homework assignments will be of no interest to your youngster. Educators simply don't have time to tailor assignments to the individual needs of each youngster. But, most educators welcome feedback and want to assign homework that children can complete successfully. Most educators try to structure assignments so that a wide range of children will find them interesting (e.g., they may offer options for different approaches to the same topic, give extra assignments to those who want more of a challenge, or give specialized assignments to those who are having trouble with a particular subject).

16. After the educator returns completed homework, read the comments to see if your youngster has done the assignment acceptably.

17. While you will want to limit the amount of time your HFA youngster spends playing video games, you should also look for television programs that relate to what your youngster is studying in school (e.g., programs on history, science, dramatizations of children’s literature, etc.). Also, try to watch these educational shows with your youngster, discuss them, and encourage follow-up activities (e.g., reading, a trip to the museum, etc.). 

18. Your youngster's homework area doesn't have to be elaborate. A desk in the bedroom, the kitchen table, or a corner of the family room is adequate. The area should be fairly quiet and have good lighting. Your youngster may want to decorate a special area for homework (e.g., some favorite artwork taped to the walls, a brightly colored container to hold pencils, a plant, etc.). Also, some kids work well with quiet background music.

19. What about supplies? Here’s is a good list of things to have on hand (keep these items together in one place):

•    almanac
•    calculator
•    dictionary
•    erasers
•    glue
•    index cards
•    maps
•    paper clips
•    paste
•    pencil sharpener
•    pencils
•    pens
•    ruler
•    scissors
•    stapler
•    tape
•    thesaurus
•    writing paper

20. Ask your youngster's educator to explain school policy about the use of computers for assignments. Computers are great learning and homework tools. Your youngster can use his computer for writing reports, getting information through Internet resource sites, and for communicating with educators and classmates about homework assignments. In most schools, educators post information about assignments on their own websites. Some have an electronic bulletin board on which children can post questions for the educator or others to answer. If you don’t have a computer in the home, many schools may offer after-school programs that allow students to use the school computers. Also, most public libraries have computers.
 
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

21. Show your child the value of being a “life-long learner.” Let her see you: writing reports, letters, e-mails and lists; using math to balance your checkbook or to measure for new carpeting; reading newspapers, books and eBooks – and any other things that require thought and effort. Also, tell your youngster about what you do at work. 

22. Help your youngster to use daily routines to support the skills she is learning at school. For example:
  • teach her to play word and math games
  • help her to look up information about things in which she is interested, such as musicians, athletes, cars, space travel
  • talk with her about what she sees and hears as the two of you visit a zoo or museum, walk through the neighborhood, or go shopping

In other words, try to turn everyday experiences into learning opportunities so that your child will view “education” as a fun activity.

23. The best homework schedule is one that works for both the parent and child. What works well in one family may not work in another. For example, one youngster may do homework best after diner, while another may do best in the afternoon or after an hour of play. However, it’s best not to let your youngster leave homework to do just before bedtime.

24. Your youngster's outside activities (e.g., sports or music lessons) may mean that you need a flexible homework schedule. However, if there isn't enough time to finish homework, your youngster may need to drop an outside activity.

25. Talk with your youngster about how to take a quiz or test. Be sure he understands how important it is to carefully read the instructions, keep track of the time, and avoid spending too much time on any one question.

26. Watch for aggravation in your child. If your youngster shows signs of becoming aggravated or confused about a particular assignment, let her take a break. Encourage her and let her see that you know she can do the work. Also, work out a way to lessen her frustration. For example: Is the homework often too hard? Does your youngster need to make up a lot of work because of absences? Does your youngster need extra support beyond what home and school can give her (e.g., a mentor program)?

27. Lastly, talk to the educator about any concerns you may have. You may want to contact him or her if:
  • neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of the assignments
  • the assignments are too hard or too easy
  • the homework is assigned in uneven amounts (e.g., no homework is given on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, but on Thursday four assignments are made that are due the next day)
  • the instructions are unclear
  • you can't provide needed supplies or materials
  • you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
  • your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
  • your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them

By helping your youngster with homework assignments, you can help him or her learn important lessons about discipline and responsibility. Parents are in a unique position to help their youngster make connections between homework and the "real world," and thus bring meaning (and hopefully some enjoyment) to the academic experience.
 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
By

7 Tips for Parenting Autistic Children

In this social work report I am going to share with you the 7 most useful tips and techniques that I have picked up when working with families as a social worker over the past 11 years:
1. Coping with the grieving process
For all families who have a child with Autism/Aspergers, or any disability come to that, there are always some feelings of grief or loss. This is not because you are rejecting your child or in any way being negative about them. But it’s just that when you plan for a family, spend 9 months in labor and then begin to raise your child you have a certain dream/ideal life planned out.
This is just human nature and one of the things that divides us from animals. We have the ability to see our future in our heads and we like to plan it. Particularly these days when there are so many shows, in fact whole TV channels, dedicated to having babies, family planning, pregnancy etc. There are shows on “taming toddlers”, home improvement shows teaching you how to make the “perfect nursery”, adverts for all the latest baby kit and gadgets.
So it’s little wonder that you have such dreams and ambitions, and have the perfect little family in your mind. Having a child with aspergers can often destroy that particular dream. You may well spend time slowly realising that perhaps “something is not quite right” with your child. Some time after that you will get a clinical diagnosis and learn that your child has aspergers syndrome.
With this knowledge a grieving process will begin. This is a grieving process for the “perfect” child and “perfect” life that you were dreaming of. This is a perfectly natural and understandable process. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your child or think anything negatively about them.
It’s just that your child is different to what you expected. Now just look at that word “different” the dictionary definition is “differing from all others”, and is that so bad? So it’s not a good thing or a bad thing, just a different thing.
A really great way of looking at this is in the short story by Emily Perl Kingsley which you can read at http://www.aboutautism.org.uk/holland.htm
But for many parents this can be a hugely difficult thing to get through. Often there is guilt attached to these feelings of grief. This may be guilt that you feel that you don’t truly love your child as you are feeling this sense of loss. Or perhaps guilt as a parent that somehow it is your fault that your child has aspergers syndrome.
So often with feelings of guilt, just like other painful feelings, you can choose to avoid those feelings.
So instead of talking about those feelings and starting to understand them, and eventually come to terms with them, you stuff them away somewhere in your brain.
Just like we can all do with painful thoughts and memories. Often you may choose patterns of behavior that can be destructive such as overeating, drinking more alcohol, spending more money than usual to cope (or retail therapy as it is now called).
You may not do these destructive things though. You may overcompensate by trying to be “super mum” or “super dad” to your children, at the expense of all else.
But the bottom line is that if you do avoid these feelings then they are not going to simply go away forever.
Now again let me be clear on this I am in no way making you a bad person for this.
As we all try to avoid negative feelings and thoughts if we can. In fact our brains are wired up to try to get us out of pain as quickly as they can. But such intense feelings of grief, loss, bereavement call them what you want won’t just go away.
They will show themselves in a variety of damaging other ways. For instance you may adopt a very blaming approach to all kinds of people involved in your child’s care. This could be teachers, paediatricians, psychologists, social workers etc.
In this way all of your anger and grief is being directed at other people. This can cause problems in building relationships with people who are there to help you.
It also will mean that such negativity will stay with you for years, like a big weight on your shoulders. By expressing your emotions in this way it won’t make you feel better or allow you to heal psychologically in the long term. In fact it will set up an endless cycle of negativity towards others that will further deplete and drain you emotionally. Another way that your grief may show itself is, if you are not able to deal with it, maybe in some degree of mental illness. Conditions like depression or anxiety can be quite common ways in which your unresolved grief may appear.
Obviously none of these are conditions that are helpful to you when trying to understand and become a good parent to your aspergers child.
Those are just a few examples of the problems that you could encounter by not openly expressing your feelings. Physical illness can be another side effect. As you may well be aware your physical emotions can be very acidic in your body’s system. Think for a minute of how tight your stomach can feel or how cold your blood can feel when you get really anxious or worried about something.
That is acid being physically built up in your system and clearly excess acid in your system can do all kind of damage to your internal organs. Add to this the impact that it may have on your immune system, which may make you much more susceptible to a whole host of diseases. So failing to tackle your emotions can put you at a disadvantage both mentally and physically.
Now that’s quite a bleak scenario. But what I want to do is give you help and hope, not scare the heck out of you. So the secret of this is simply to talk about it.
Talk about those feelings of loss that you have and you can avoid these undesirable scenarios. If you feel at times that you have been cheated of a “normal” healthy child who will do all of the “normal” healthy things in life you need to talk about it.
I use the word “normal” in speech marks as clearly for the aspergers child what he or she does is normal – and everything that you and I do will seem abnormal and weird. So “nearly” is clearly a very relative term. But I digress………….. and at risk of repeating myself you must talk about it.
Now the next question may be who should I talk to? Well that is going to be dependent on you and your personal circumstances. Clearly a trained counsellor or relevant social/health care professional should hopefully have the skills to really help you to open up and talk about this stuff. Now dependent on which country you live in you may have free access to this service, or you may be required to pay for such a service. But it doesn’t have to be a professional though.
A sympathetic and understanding friend or family member could be of great help.
Providing that they are not a person who will spend the entire time talking about themselves, judging you on what you say, making you feel in anyway bad or offering you endless opinion on what you must do. At first it may be difficult and give you a whole variety of emotions (some good, some bad) but you need to stick with it, in order to move yourself forward. A good way of explaining this that I was told by counsellor once is that it’s like having a gaping wound in your leg after you have just fallen over and damaged it.
So you have a painful wound with blood, filled with dirt and muck. To heal the wound you have to rake all of the muck and clean it up. This is exactly what you must do with your feelings of loss, guilt, anger etc. In order to heal yourself you must get those feelings that can appear unclean, dirty or tainted out in the open and then they can be dealt with. Allowing you to move on more positively in your life. So the one thing for you to take from this is that you have to talk about your feelings to help yourself.
2. Look after yourself
Another important issue is making sure that you do look after yourself.
You need to look after yourself to help you enjoy your every day life and be the best parent you can be.
If you expend every single ounce of time and energy on others, and none on yourself, then you will soon be left with nothing left to give.
You cannot consistently do your best as a parent, or really expect to feel happy and unfulfilled as a person, if you do this.
Using the simple idea of a car – it runs best when it is full of fuel. And obviously the opposite of this is that when it has no fuel it stops completely. This is just like you as a parent – and the way that you ‘refuel’ is by looking after yourself. This is a mental and physical process and I will talk about both of these soon.
I know that the big problem for most parents is finding the spare time or energy to take for your self.
But if you really look hard enough at your life you can always find the time. More about this in a little while also.
First of all I am talking about looking after your self physically. Now don’t worry I am not going to start saying that you should go on 6 mile runs on a daily basis, or punishing yourself physically for hours down the gym. I am talking about firstly being aware of your ‘refuelling habits’ or, in other words, what you eat and drink.
If you drink excessive coffee, alcohol and sugary drinks. And also eat a diet largely based on processed foods, sugary foods, fatty foods and salty foods then the chances are that you may have some problems. Living a lifestyle like this can obviously contribute to weight problems, energy problems and physical ailments.
As well as this it can seriously affect your moods; perhaps making you feel tired, depressed and utterly lethargic.
Now this isn’t a healthy lifestyle resource so I am not going in depth into this here. But I have written a book on that subject, so email me if you want to know more.
But common sense tells you that if you look and feel overweight, lack energy and are prone to feelings of depression; then your quality of life and ability to parent will suffer.
The key to improving this area is to re-fuel much more on non-processed natural foods such as water, fruit, vegetables, fish, nuts, brown rice, pulses etc. Again I am not suggesting a whole lifestyle change – but this is something that you could start adjusting in your life and track your own results in how it improves your life. In addition to this aerobic exercise is another quick and easy way of making you feel better.
Like I said earlier this isn’t intended to cause you physical damage; so you need to do it to whatever level you are at. And always consult your physician before embarking on any course of fitness – as the adverts always tell you! The only thing I would say is that you need to do 20-30 minutes minimum at least 4 days per week to really feel the results.
If you are at the level of slow walking then great do that and build up. If you are able to jog, swim, cycle, rollerblade etc. that’s great too. Exercise will help you lose weight, secrete endorphins (little chemicals in your brain that make you feel good) and generally improve your ability to cope with things.
At first it may be very tiring and seem unnatural but in order to have more energy in your life; you need to exercise. One of the problems for many of us is that we are so stationary in life and we were not built to be like that. One of my all time favourite quotes from Tony Robbins (the famous US Life Coach guy) is that “emotion comes from motion”. By engaging your body more you do feel better.
I can honestly swear by this through personal experience. I now exercise 7 days a week and feel phenomenal afterwards. He also advises first thing in the morning as the best time to exercise as it turns on your metabolism to burn fat for the whole day. And it gets your day off to a great start with a “victory”.
But it’s not essential; you can do this any time of the day and still benefit. So for those of you pressed for time try setting the alarm 5 minutes earlier each morning for a week. Voila – you have 35 extra minutes each morning after 7 days; with which to look after yourself.
On the mental side it’s important to look after yourself by having people to turn to and talk to. This can be on serious issues as well as the enjoyment of just a good old chat! This can be friends, close family, relatives, support groups etc. I think another thing that really helps is to have something that is “just for you”. Not part of your role as a parent, wife/husband, friend, worker but YOU. Whether this means spending time reading a favorite book, playing an instrument, tending your garden, attending a college class.
It doesn’t matter what it is – if you want to do it and it’s important to you; find a way to do it! You may have to very creative to find the time but generally if you look hard enough, there is a way around every challenge in life. It will help you to have this specialist interest of your own in the world, and provide you with emotional strength/respite.
3. Adapt your lifestyle/routines
As you are probably well aware children with aspergers tend to thrive on routines and consistency. And they really struggle when things are unpredictable and liable to change without warning. In addition you will soon learn, by trial and error, which type of environments suit your child and which ones don’t. So the key to a happier family life in many cases lies with both understanding and accepting this.
Many families run into trouble when they try to simply slot their aspergers child into the normal routine. For example they go out for the day when the parents feel like it (rather than at a set agreed time). They have to go to the crowded soccer field with their mom to watch their brother play, or go the busy store to help with the weekly food shopping.
At this point many parents wonder why their child is shouting, screaming, aggressive or generally upset. This in turn is seen as some kind of “bad” behaviour, or as some unavoidable consequence of aspergers.
In actual fact if the schedule for the day had been run differently to suit the aspergers child it could all very well have been avoidable. Now I know many parents like to be laid back and not have to make definite plans (it’s one of the privileges of being an adult right?) and also practically struggle to juggle domestic/child care duties. So I am not saying that this stuff is easy. But equally doing things without proper regard to the impact on you and your child helps no-one.
So for potentially difficult events like the busy soccer crowd or the supermarket – is it really necessary for your child to go? At times there are probably other options.
But if not then some pre-planning can also help in the form of explaining what may happen at the event, how to react to certain possible situations and possible “escape” strategies if it gets too much to cope with for the child.
Similarly try to plan/schedule events so that your child has a clear idea as to what will happen in the day ahead and so be expecting it. This will greatly cut down on the difficulties that you can at times experience with your aspergers child.
Unfortunately the world is an unpredictable place so you cannot plan for every eventuality. But just putting a little thought into the need for consistency and structure in the aspergers child can bring some surprisingly good results all around.
4. Arm yourself with knowledge
The very fact that you are reading this short book of tips shows that you are aware of the importance of this point. So I won’t labor it too much! But the world is a fast-changing place these days and new ideas, research, viewpoints etc. are frequently coming out on a daily basis. And the world of aspergers is no exception! The internet is by far the easiest, most up-to-date and cheapest place to get this information.
Every day people are posting ideas on forums, adding content to their websites or writing stories about new developments.
One really helpful tip to keep on top of all the new content on the web is a little free feature called Google Alerts. I am sure that most of you are familiar with Google.
For those of you who are not they are THE biggest search engine on the internet. Estimates say that at about 70-80% of people who search online use Google.
So to get to Google’s home page you need to type in www.google.com into your internet browser (or just click the blue link I just gave you!). Then click on “More” and then “Alerts” then enter the word “Aspergers” in the “Search Terms” box and your email address and then you are away!
5. Get Support
Now all of us need support from time to time to encourage us and help us get through testing times in life. Many parents are fortunate that they can get support from each other, other family members or friends. But there are situations when this is not necessarily the best choice. Sometimes being able to talk to other people in the same situation (i.e. parents of other aspergers children) can really make the difference. This can be really helpful for letting off steam in an environment where you don’t feel judged or that you cannot say what you really think for fear of upsetting your husband/best friend/mom.
It is also a great way of picking up little tips or bits of advice that only other parents might now about. This could be particular approaches to helping your child, the name of a good therapist or a local event that’s going on.
Now support groups are traditionally held in public places such as church halls, recreational centers or school buildings after hours.
People come together to talk about different issues and there are often social spin-offs like trips out, coffee mornings and other such gatherings. But nowadays there are many different “virtual” support groups available on the internet.
You can access these without leaving the house and there are often people around 24 hours per day to interact with, due to the different time zones around the world.
I would recommend using both local and internet based support groups to get the best of both worlds. But ultimately the decision is down to you and what best suits your personal circumstances.
Support is also available from different professionals who may well be involved with you, your child and your family. This will often be just as helpful but in different ways. Teachers, social workers, health workers, psychologists can all offer a great deal of advice, techniques and insights into various aspects of aspergers. Most professionals in these fields are also trained, and develop through experience, the ability to be supportive, non-judgemental and empathic to your situation. So be sure to maximise these sources of support too. And never be afraid to pick up the phone to ask them for support.
6. What’s the reason?
One of the most important things that I can suggest for parents when confronted with any behaviour by your child is to always think “what’s the reason?” I know that this is easier said than done when your child is suddenly shouting, screaming or having a fully blown tantrum in a very public place. But whenever possible the most effective method is to quickly look at what the reason for the behaviour is – rather than an automatic reaction. Without wanting to baffle you with psycho-babble; an excellent technique that I use as a social worker is the “pain/pleasure” principle.
Now I am not going to take credit for this idea – as it is a concept that I have adopted from Tony Robbins (the life coach expert I mentioned earlier).
In fact this is slightly off-topic but if you want to equip yourself with some amazing tools and techniques to change every area of your life (your finances, emotions, physical fitness, health and spirituality) then check out his website at www.TonyRobbins.com
He comes with my highest endorsement; using his stuff his improved every area of my life infinitely over the past 4 years. Anyway I digress – the “pain/pleasure” principle is a basic way of understanding what motivates all human behaviour.
As human beings all of our behaviour can be explained at a most basic level as either helping us to get out of pain or get into pleasure.
For example over-eating gets you out of the pain of boredom/discomfort and also gives you the sensory pleasure of eating the food. Similarly smoking can get you out of the pain of a situation (for that short period when you inhale and exhale) and give you the pleasure of a comforting, soothing habit.
So OK can I really apply this to my child? Absolutely – any behaviour that your child may display can be seen at this basic level. So if your son starts to suddenly freak out in the store and shout noisily what does this mean? Well in all likelihood they will be getting out of the pain of a situation (maybe it’s a sensory problem of too much light, noise or people) by controlling their immediate environment through the noise that they are making. And similarly to the cigarette example there is probably some pleasure that they are getting from being able to instantly manipulate and control their environment.
So what to do next?
Well the key to this now is to help your child find a more appropriate way of gaining pleasure or getting out of pain, than shouting.
So maybe there is a song they like that you could sing to them, a familiar topic/discussion that you can have with them.
Or alternatively if you are sure that it’s a particular part of the environment that they are in, then get them out of the environment. Don’t persist with the situation, shout back or think of your child as bad/naughty. Remember that all behaviour has a reason and once you find out what that is you are half way there.
7. Prepare For Meetings
I know that many parents find meetings with professionals to be intimidating and daunting tasks. They needn’t be in fact in my opinion they certainly shouldn’t be.
One easy way of getting around this is to make sure that you don’t go alone.
Take someone who can help, and if necessary act as an advocate for you and your child. This could be a relative, friend or professional advocate.
But make sure you choose someone who can be calm, objective and who will not let their own issues/agendas affect things. Another great tip is to make sure that you clearly have your own questions/agenda for discussion written up to take with you.
You can bet your bottom dollar that the professionals will have a written agenda, so it’s important for you to do the same.
I even go one step further when attending important meetings. I play them out in my head beforehand. That way I can “see” what will happen – and have chance to think of answers/questions, iron out any problems or difficulties that may arise.
Before they happen! I would advise you to do this and you will see what a difference this makes when it comes to your next meeting. But my most important piece of advice is to remember that 99% of all professionals who are working with your aspergers child are doing it for all the right reasons.
People in social and health care are drawn to this kind of work because they really want to help other people. So bear this is mind – that the people involved are here to help you and your child.
The Parenting Autism Resource Guide: A Complete Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed With Autism.
By

Behavioral and Cognitive Rigidity in Kids with High-Functioning Autism

Behavioral rigidity refers to a child’s difficulty maintaining appropriate behavior in new and unfamiliar situations. The opposite of rigidity would be flexibility, which enables children to shift effortlessly from task to task in the classroom, from topic to topic in conversation, from one role to another in games, etc.

Rigidity can also affect thinking. Cognitive rigidity occurs when the child is unable to consider alternatives to the current situation, alternative viewpoints, or innovative solutions to a problem. The child with rigid thinking tends to view things in “either-or” terms (e.g., things are either right or wrong, good or bad). He or she wants concrete, black and white answers. The “gray areas” of life are very uncomfortable (e.g., often has an exact way of doing things with no variations).

Children with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) often demonstrate extreme forms of rigidity or inflexibility. This may manifest itself as difficulty with (a) ending an intense emotional feeling, (b) making transitions during the school day (e.g., from lunch back to the classroom), and (c) tolerating changes in schedules or everyday routines.

Rigidity and Defiance in Kids with High-Functioning Autism 



 Here is a 3-step process for helping your HFA child with his/her rigidity issues:

Step 1—

Realizing that your HFA youngster will not be a good observer of her behavior is your first step. She will not know what to do in certain situations, because she doesn't understand how the world works. Not knowing what to do usually results in anxiety that leads to additional ineffective and inappropriate actions. HFA behavior is usually a result of this anxiety, which leads to difficulty moving on and letting go of an issue, and "getting stuck" on something. This is “rigidity,” and it is the most common reason for behavioral problems.

Reasons for rigidity may include the following:
  • A misunderstanding or misinterpretation of another's action
  • A violation of a rule or ritual (i.e., changing something from the way it is “supposed” to be)
  • Anxiety about a current or upcoming event
  • Attention difficulties
  • Difficulty transitioning from one activity to another
  • Immediate gratification of a need
  • Lack of knowledge about how something is done  
  • Sensory sensitivities
  • The need to avoid or escape from a non-preferred activity (e.g., doing Math homework)
  • The need to control a situation
  • The need to engage in - or continue - a preferred activity (e.g., an obsessive action or fantasy)

Often times, parents of children with HFA do not fully understand what their youngster is thinking, how he interprets the world, and how his deficits cause problems. After their child receives an official diagnosis, parents often rush into action before collecting enough information about the disorder. If they don’t learn about the ins-and-outs of the disorder, parents may very likely do the wrong thing. So, the second step in effectively dealing with rigidity is to understand some of the associated theories on HFA. Below are the prominent theories that will shed light on this topic:

Cortisol Deficit: According to researchers, cortisol (the body’s stress hormone) may be a key factor in understanding HFA. Cortisol is one of several stress hormones that acts similar to a “red alert” that is triggered by stressful circumstances, which helps the individual to react quickly to changes. In “typical” children, there is a two-fold increase in levels of cortisol within 30 minutes of waking up, with levels gradually declining during the day as part of the internal body clock. One study found that children with HFA didn’t have this peak, although levels of cortisol still decreased during the day as normal. This difference in stress hormone levels may be highly significant in explaining why kids on the autism spectrum are less able to react and cope with unexpected change. The study suggests that these young people may not adjust normally to the challenge of a new environment on waking, which may affect the way they subsequently engage with the world around them. By viewing the symptoms of HFA as a “stress response” rather than a “behavior problem” can help parents and teachers develop techniques for avoiding circumstances that may cause anxiety in kids with the disorder.

Executive Dysfunction: Executive function theory deals with impulse control, inhibition, mental flexibility, planning, the initiation and monitoring of action, and working memory. This theory explains some of the symptoms of HFA. For instance, poor social interaction may be due to a defect in cognitive shifting, which is a vital part of executive function. Also, repetitive and restricted behavior observed in young people on the autism spectrum may be explained due to executive dysfunction.

Brain Dysregulation: Another theory suggests that the brains of children on the autism spectrum are structurally normal, but “dysregulated.” In other words, there is an impaired regulation of a bundle of neurons in the brain stem that processes sensory signals from all areas of the body.

Weak Central Coherence: Weak central coherence theory describes the inability to understand the context of a situation or to see the “big picture.” This might explain common behaviors found in HFA children (e.g., repetitiveness, focusing on parts of objects, persistence in behaviors related to details, etc.).

Theory of Mind Deficit: Theory of mind is the intuitive understanding of your mental state, and the mental state of other people (e.g., emotions, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, knowledge, intentions and desires) – and of how those mental states influence behavior. Kids with HFA have difficulty understanding others thoughts, which according to this theory, is the core cognitive deficit.
 

Step 3—

The following strategy is your third step for dealing with rigidity, and can be used with a variety of activities (e.g., chores and homework). There are two main parts to this strategy: 1) practicing in small steps, and 2) providing praise based on effort.

Practicing in small steps: The first part of this strategy is the use of subgoals. Setting a subgoal helps the youngster focus. In any activity, watch for him to begin to lose interest, become bored, get frustrated, or become distracted. At that point, set a subgoal that requires him to attend only slightly longer than he initially desires. For a 5-year-old, this may mean a subgoal that can be completed in 30 seconds. For a 10-year-old, a subgoal that lasts 3 minutes may be more appropriate. The goal is to give the youngster brief practice in “being patient with the process” without overloading him by extensive demands.

Providing praise based on effort: Whenever the youngster puts in "a little extra effort" or works beyond the frustration point, the second part of the strategy can be employed. This is “praise based on effort” instead of “praise based on level of performance.” Usually, moms and dads focus on their youngster’s “productivity” rather than focusing on “the amount of energy the youngster had to devote to the activity.” When using praise, acknowledge the amount of “applied effort,” and point out that the youngster’s “attempt at being productive” paid off (e.g., "You worked very hard and trying to solve that Math problem!"). If you build pride in this extra effort, rigidity will likely lessen.

----------


Here are two specific examples of how to apply this strategy:
  1. If your youngster is helping you fold clothes and begins to lose interest or focus, you can assign a very small number of clothing items to be folded before she takes a break. This minimizes the frustration and the amount of distraction. Once your youngster makes this extra effort, use “praise based on effort” in order to build pride. This strategy can be used even when she is not “successful” (e.g., doesn’t finish folding all the clothes). Any extra “pride in effort” is likely to reduce rigidity and attention difficulties.
  2. If your youngster is working on a lengthy Math assignment and shows signs of frustration or boredom, set a subgoal that requires completion of only a couple more problems before taking a short break. This should help minimize angry outbursts and distraction. Next, use encouragement, rewards, or loss of privileges in order to get your youngster to focus slightly longer. If your child has an angry outburst when the subgoal is set, give him an opportunity to take a “time-out” before working. He can choose to either work on the subgoal, or to go to a designated area until he calms down (e.g., "You can finish your Math assignment now, or take a time-out and finish it in a few minutes”). However, make it clear that once he has calmed down, the only choice is to return to work on the subgoal. This provides your youngster a chance for an outlet for his frustration, but it also sets clear limits so that he must eventually complete the subgoal. This will also help you limit your “lectures about the importance of completing homework.”

The strategy described in Step 3 will have the most impact if it is used daily. Look for opportunities involving homework, chores, or play activities. Look for every chance to build pride and “effort.” Pay less attention to “productivity” or “successful completion” of activities/tasks.


==> Need tips on how to handle your child's fixations and obsessions? You'll find more than you'll need right here...


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
By

Angry Outbursts in Teenagers on the Autism Spectrum

Question

My son is 13 years old; he has been previously diagnosed with high functioning autism, adhd and obsessive compulsive disorder. My son lived with his father for six months while I recovered from a nervous breakdown. When I got custody of him again he was very aggressive, would hit his 6 year old brother and call him names and put him down. My ex gave him no discipline from what I gather from my son, he told me he had to raise his six year old brother for them six months. He blames me for the divorce between me and his father. I have bipolar and he doesn’t seem to understand that I am different too and that I need him to cooperate and help me as much as possible. He’s too focused on his ocd, his adhd and his autism and he uses all of these things for an excuse for all of the negative behaviors he is having.

In the last past year he has changed 3 schools, and moved to a new area, which he says he hates. I’m wondering if he will adjust to the new setting and new rules that I have for him. I think some of it is the teenage years; he uses profanity often and shows aggression to get his way no matter what the consequences. I want to help my son but I don’t know what to do. His brother is totally opposite; he does what I tell him and goes by all of the rules.

How do I get my son to show me respect and work on his attitude without so many angry outbursts which could get me evicted from our apartment? I go with the flow to keep things as quiet as possible but things get worse, if I threaten to take his games he threatens and has went as far as walking out of the door leaving me to find him. Am I dealing with autism, Adhd, compulsive disorder or just an unruly teenager? I think it is all of them. I was wondering if there is an autism training center that could come in and work with my son. I am desperate at this point and will do anything to help my child to stay on the right track, I worry that he is headed for suicide or prison. I am very concerned for him, he’s happy as long as I cater to him, but when I stand up for what I think is right he rebels and I pay dearly. Please help.

Answer

Parents of High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) and Asperger's (AS) children/teens will face many behavior problems (e.g., aggression and violent behavior, anger, depression, and many other problematic behaviors). Part of the problem stems from (a) the conflict between longings for social contact and (b) an inability to be social in ways that attract friendships and relationships.
 

HFA and AS adolescents possess a unique set of attitudes and behaviors:
  • Adolescents with the disorder tend to be physically and socially awkward, which makes them a frequent target of school bullies. Low self-esteem caused by being rejected and outcast by peers often makes these adolescents even more susceptible to “acting-out” behaviors at home and school.
  • These teenagers rely on routine to provide a sense of control and predictability in their lives. Another characteristic of the disorder is the development of special interests that are unusual in focus or intensity. These young people may become so obsessed with their particular areas of interest that they get upset and angry when something or someone interrupts their schedule or activity.
  • Adolescents on the autism spectrum often suffer from “mindblindness,” which means they have difficulty understanding the emotions others are trying to convey through facial expressions and body language. The problem isn’t that adolescents with Aspergers can’t feel emotion, but that they have trouble expressing their own emotions and understanding the feelings of others. “Mindblindness” often give parents the impression that their HFA or AS teen is insensitive, selfish and uncaring.
  • They can be extremely sensitive to loud noise, strong smells and bright lights. This can be a challenge in relationships as adolescents on the spectrum may be limited in where they can go on, how well they can tolerate the environment, and how receptive they are to instruction from parents and teachers.
  • Social conventions are a confusing maze for adolescents with the disorder. They can be disarmingly concise and to the point, and may take jokes and exaggerations literally. Because they struggle to interpret figures of speech and tones of voice that “neuro-typicals” naturally pick up on, they may have difficulty engaging in a two-way conversation. As a result, they may end up fixating on their own interests and ignoring the interests and opinions of others.

Focus on prevention and on helping your son to develop communication skills and develop a healthy self-esteem. These things can create the ability to develop relationships and friendships, lessening the chances of having issues with anger.

Anger is often prevalent in HFA and AS when rituals can't get accomplished or when the teen's need for order or symmetry can't be met. Frustration (over little things that usually don't bother others) can lead to anger and sometimes violent outbursts. This kind of anger is best handled through cognitive-behavioral therapy that focuses on maintaining control in spite of the frustration of not having their needs met.

Rest assured, communication skills and friendship skills can be taught to teens (and even adults) on the spectrum, which can eliminate some of the social isolation they feel. This can avert or reverse many anger control issues.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

------------------------------------------------------------

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

------------------------------------------------------------

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...


PARENTS'  COMMENTS:

*   Anonymous said... I'd like to say to you this. My son has Aspergers/Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He too present with anger, negativity and outbursts with authority figures. One thing I learned early on, NEVER walk on broken glass waiting to get cut! Never let things go with ease to avaoid a melt down. Set clear limits he understands with clear consequences he also understands. Get your child the help hhe needs NOW before it's too late with the laws in your State. Many parents of Spectrum children do not understand the Laws that protect the child and hinder the parents. As with my son, at the age of 14 in our State children have the RIGHT to not participate in therapy of any sort including Mental Health Services. If and when your child is made aware of the Laws you should be prepared as we were not as we did not even know the Law existed. My son is as I've said now 17. He is reminded daily that no matter what his diagnosis are, he is bound by the same laws as the rest of the world. Dealing with anger outbursts are horrifying to say the least. It takes a toll on your entire family dynamics. Having a younger child watch this behavior will lead them to issues with outbursts as well. I also have a 7 yr old who learns from his brothers behavior. We do the same, set limits, make rules and make consequences clearly understood and FOLLOW THROUGH! NEVER let your guilt for the diagnosis to interfere with following through! This will by far be your biggest mistake. For yourself, establish a support system, keep time for yourself, try to stay positive at all times and again use your support system. If and when violence erupts, call the police to intervene and make sure they are aware of the diagnosis before they arrive for it can cause a bigger problem as well as a negative outcome all around.
 
•    Anonymous said… Communication is hard and understanding is wanted. Those that act out are in pain themselves..
 
•    Anonymous said… I have been dealing with this for 16 years. Therapy is a on going process. If the behavior is out of control. I would suggest a inpatient treatment facility. This will allow for continued therapy and behavior modification. Trust me.. I know this well. You are not along.
 
•    Anonymous said… I know this comment may sound soft and shallow, but believe me, as a single parent of an autistic/Asperger's son prone to violent outbursts just like the rest of you, all I can offer is for you the parent to take care of yourself. For me it was Transcendental Meditation. It calms me like nothing else and for some bizarre reason it calms my son, even though he's not the one meditating. I'm not affiliated and not trying to pitch them, but you need to do something CALMING for yourself. Every child is different and requires a unique strategy to cope, and so does every parent. Bless everyone here and let's try to keep our heads and hearts clear.
 
•    Anonymous said… Well i give my son 1 for being good and its been working i got him on ssi and he had outbursts 3 times before i decided this and i took one day at a time and for 5 days my son been good no outbursts and i give him options too like if he cant do something for a example my son he wanted to go yesterday to dollar General i said play on ur phone or color or drawl or eat popsicle something to distract him from what he wants til u can do it when ur ready . Take 1day at a time and be calm with him at all times i just started this 2 months ago and im handling it pretty well and he has asperger's and odd so i understand
 
•    Anonymous said… Wow! My son is 15 and this is my life right now, although luckily without the physical aggression. I have to admit it is nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with these severe behavior issues!
 
•    Anonymous said… your beautiful boy sounds like my 8yr old grand son , but these kids live in a completely different world to ours they like to do what they do eat what they eat and if left alone they survive just as well as if we never said a word the more we tell them and yell the worse they get .I have seen the outbursts and man its scary .
 
*     Anonymous said... Not enough focus on reaching out to others on the spectrum, other teens getting together. Organized by the supports already in place to have purposed get togethers for the teens. They just don't cut it , in high school. Highschool is a dead bully zone. Kids there are mean mean mean, if anyone is a bit 'off' they can make their life miserable, too miserable. I would not have my kid enter high school at all, and focus on get togethers with other aspergers kids, and just do it that way, engaging them in activities in the community.

*     Anonymous said...I really dont know what to do my 12 year old shouts at me and says the most horrible things most days and calls me and her sister names im a single mum of 3 and finding it hard to cope ive asked for help since she was 4 and no one does anything she has no therapy and we have no help at all just me because while at school etc she wants to be the same as everyone else she tells them shes fine and the works ok but what she does is bottle all her anxieties frustrations things that havent gone as shes wanted all day etc and lets rip at me when she gest home if something isnt how she wants or she cant have what she wants or things dont go as she expects she has meltdowns that can last hours ive said i will speak to school to see if there is anything they can do to help us she said if i speak to school or anyone else about her shes going to tell them i hit and hurt her i dont do either but do have to hold her when in meltdown to prevent her hurting herself me or someone else or damaging property until shes in either a safer place or calms down i have had a dislocated shoulder a torn rotary cuff in my shoulder which needed surgery to repair and still has limited movement shes broken 3 of my toes and i often end up bruised and sore muscles i have health conditions that mean the above and stress makes me really poorly she knows this but in meltdown does not care at all i do not hit h.  Id stayed out on sat nt my mum had her for the night so i could have a day/nt off her nanna treated her to sweets her favourote programme then on the way home took her clothes shopping she had a good time id been home 10 min and she'd reduced me to tears with shouting at me and calling me names and i got up this morning to the same today i really dont know what to do im so tired and drain from it all ���� im worried about what her future will be

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