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How To Lessen Power Struggles: Tips for Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

“I have a 12 year old boy with high functioning autism …we just got the news 2 weeks ago after many years of …'oh it’s this', 'oh maybe this' …so now we're at autism. We are at our breaking point with him. So here goes... 

He is very defiant and out of control …he cusses a lot and does inappropriate things …like tonight he peed in a soda can and said his brother did it. When I cleaned his bathroom, he had written ‘f*** you’ on the wall. He has no respect for anything or anyone. He follows NO rules and we can’t get him to do anything. I don’t know what to do or where to go to get help! Where do we even start?”

Defiance is a strange animal for sure. What if I told you that your son isn’t trying to be a pain in the ass, but rather using some of these disturbing behaviors as a coping mechanism?

1- Your first step is to investigate and try to discover your son’s underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities. His oppositional behavior starts with feeling insecure. High-functioning autism comes with a host of symptoms, and often times a child’s only response in dealing with the associated challenges is to act-out. Why? It’s very likely that he feels he has little control over his circumstances in life. Defiance is a way for him to have at least some control over his environment.

2- The second step would be for you to regain your son’s trust and confidence, and somehow slip under his defiance so that you can offer him what he needs. His “misbehavior” is the result of an unmet need (usually the need to have some control). Investigate and try to figure out what he REALLY needs. No child finds joy in upsetting everyone in the house. He knows his behavior is causing conflict (and to be at odds with parents - day in and day out - is also a self-esteem breaker).
 
==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

If you have had ongoing power struggles with him, he may be at a place where he does not trust you completely. He may not be sure whether your attempts to soothe will be comforting or upsetting. He may be used to getting yelled at. As a result, he can trust only himself. Convince your son that you have his best interest at heart and that you want to provide him with what he needs. This isn’t about punishment, it’s about meeting his needs. And yes, sometimes a parental correction for misbehavior or a consequence for a poor choice meets one of his needs.

3- Put yourself in your child’s shoes. The oppositional child, with his ongoing need to be the boss and his chronic power struggles with you, does indeed contribute to problems in the parent-child relationship. However, it’s crucial to understand that children on the autism spectrum are very prone to being overwhelmed and overloaded due to sensory sensitivities, executive function challenges, social skills deficits, and mind-blindness (just to name a few).

4- Your son likely uses bossiness and defiance as a coping strategy to feel secure. To protect himself, he shuts out part of the world, including you at times. Having said this, your next step would be to reframe your child’s defiance. In other words, instead of a viewing it as willful misconduct, begin to view it as a coping strategy to have some control in his life.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

5- Lastly, you will need to set some firm limits. Being sympathetic doesn’t mean always giving your son what he wants or allowing him to be hurtful or rude to others. Gentle limits coupled with empathy and flexibility will gradually help your son be less critical of you and himself.




In a nutshell, one of his major needs is most likely the need to control. You want him to do one thing – he may want to do the exact opposite. Thus, your main mission should be to find ways that he can feel he has some control in his life without acting-out.

For starters, put him in charge of doing some things that would be age-appropriate (e.g., planning a meal, doing a particular chore, suggesting a different route to the Mall, what TV show the family will watch, what place the family will visit on the next family outing, etc.).

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...
By

Managing Disruptive Behavior in Children with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

“We've been going in circles with our high functioning (autistic) 8 y.o. and his disruptive behavior – hitting, kicking, throwing things, just to name a few. We have tried all that we know to try. It's been difficult when he acts out, not respecting us or his siblings. It impacts the entire family! Do you have any ideas of how to handle disruptive behavior of this kind?”

One of the biggest obstacles a parent faces is managing disruptive behavior in the child with Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA). Whether the child is refusing to eat what was prepared, or throwing tantrum on the way to school, the parent can find herself at a loss for an effective way to respond.

If you are at your wits end, the ABC method can provide a roadmap to a calmer, more reliable way to manage problematic behaviors. This method also offers a chance to help the AS or HFA child to gain the developmental skills he needs to regulate his own behavior.



The ABC Method of Behavior Management

To understand and respond successfully to misbehavior, parents have to think about what came before it – and what comes after it. Here are the 3 crucial features to any given behavior:
  • Antecedent: This is the preceding factor (or trigger) that makes a behavior more or less likely to occur. Learning and anticipating the antecedent is a very helpful tool in preventing problematic behavior.
  • Behavior: This, of course, is the specific action the parent is trying to discourage - or encourage - as the case may be.
  • Consequence: This refers to the result that logically and naturally follows a behavior. The consequence affects the likelihood of a behavior recurring, whether it’s positive or negative. Also, the more immediate the consequence, the more influential it is.

Identifying “target behaviors” is the first step in a good behavior-management plan. These behaviors need to be (a) specific (so both parent and child are clear on what is expected), (b) observable, and (c) measurable (so parent and child can agree whether or not the behavior happened). An example of poorly defined behavior is “acting-out,” or “being mean.” An example of well-defined behavior is “completing homework” (good) “pushing your sister” (bad).


 ==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Antecedents—

Antecedents come in many forms. Some are wonderful tools that assist the parent in managing misbehavior before it begins as well as bolstering appropriate behavior, while others facilitate misbehavior. Let’s look at each of these in turn…

Antecedents that bolster appropriate behavior:

1. Providing countdowns for transitions: As often as possible, the parent should prepare her AS or HFA child for an upcoming transition. For example, let the child know when there are 15 minutes remaining …then 10 minutes …then 5 before he must come to dinner or start his homework. Note: Making the transition at the stated time is just as important as issuing the countdown.

2. Making expectations clear: Parents will get better cooperation if they and their youngster are clear on what is expected. Its best to sit down with the child and present the information verbally – and then put it in writing and post it in a prominent location. Even the child “should know” what is expected, explaining expectations at the outset of a task will help avoid misunderstandings down the line.

3. Letting children have a choice: As the child grows up, it’s crucial she has a say in her own scheduling. Giving a structured choice can help her feel empowered and encourage her to become more self-regulating (e.g., “Do you want to pick up your dirty clothes before or after dinner?”).

4. Being aware of the situation: Parents need to consider and manage both emotional and environmental factors. For example, anxiety, hunger, fatigue, or distractions can all make it much more difficult for the youngster to effectively manage his behavior.

5. Adjusting the environment: Examples of adjusting the environment are (a) removing distractions such as video screens and toys when it’s time to do homework, (b) providing a snack, (c) establishing an organized space for the child to work, and (d) making sure to schedule some breaks.

Antecedents that facilitate misbehavior:

1. Initiating transitions without warnings: A transition is hard for a child with AS or HFA – especially in the middle of something he is enjoying. Providing a warning gives the youngster the opportunity to find a good stopping place for an activity and makes the transition less stressful.

2. Shouting instructions out from a distance: It’s helpful to give the child important instructions face-to-face. A parent’s request that is yelled from a distance is less likely to be understood and remembered.

3. Assuming expectations are comprehended: Parents should not assume that their child automatically knows what is expected of him. The expectation needs to be spelled out! Demands change from circumstance to circumstance, and when the youngster is unsure of what he is supposed to be doing, he’s more likely to engage in problematic behavior.

4. Giving too many instructions at once: If parents deliver a series of instructions or ask a lot of questions, it limits the likelihood that the child will hear, answer questions, remember the tasks, and do what she has been instructed to do.

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Consequences—

Not all consequences are created equal. Some have the potential to do more harm than good, while others are an exceptional way to create structure and help AS and HFA children understand the difference between unacceptable and acceptable behaviors. As a mother or father, having a good understanding of how to consistently and intelligently employ consequences can make a huge difference in outcomes.

Consequences that bolster appropriate behavior:

1. Being clear and concrete when using time-outs: Parents should establish which behaviors will result in a time-out. When the AS or HFA youngster exhibits that behavior, the corresponding time-out needs to be relatively brief and immediately follow the misbehavior. If a time-out was delivered for not complying with a task, once it ends, the youngster needs to be instructed to complete the original task. In this way, he or she won’t begin to see time-outs as an escape method. During the time-out, parents should not talk to their youngster until he or she is ending the time-out. It should end once the youngster has been calm and quiet for a brief amount of time so that he or she learns to associate the end of time-out with this desired behavior.

2. Staying consistent: If parents arbitrarily issue time-outs when they are feeling aggravated, it will undermine the behavior-management system and make it harder for the youngster to connect behaviors to consequences.

3. Using active ignoring: Ignoring is used for minor misbehaviors and involves the deliberate withdrawal of attention when the youngster starts to misbehave. With this method, parents pick their battles carefully and save their energy for the larger issues that need to be addressed (e.g., verbal or physical aggression). As parents ignore, they wait for appropriate behavior to resume. Then they should give positive attention as soon as the desired behavior starts. By withholding attention until positive behavior is exhibited, parents are teaching their youngster what behavior gets acknowledged and praised.

4. Using positive attention for positive behaviors: When parents give their youngster positive reinforcement for behaving appropriately, it helps maintain that ongoing good behavior. Positive attention improves self-esteem and enhances the quality of the parent-child relationship. Positive attention to “brave behavior” can also help alleviate anxiety, as well as help the child become more receptive to instructions and limit-setting.

5. Using reward menus: A reward is a tangible way to give your youngster positive feedback for desired behaviors. It’s something that is earned, an acknowledgement that the child is doing something that’s difficult for him. A reward is most effective as a motivator when the youngster can choose from a variety of things (e.g., a special treat, extra time on the computer, etc.). This reduces the possibility of a reward losing its allure over time. Also, the reward needs to be linked to specific behaviors – and always delivered consistently.

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism 

Consequences that facilitate misbehavior:

1. Using positive consequences for negative behaviors: This reinforces the behavior you are trying to eliminate. For example, if your youngster procrastinates instead of putting on her shoes or pouring milk for her cereal, in frustration, you do it for her, you have just increased the likelihood that she will procrastinate again in the future.

2. Giving negative attention: Negative attention actually increases bad behavior over time (e.g., raising your voice, threatening to issue a consequence, etc.). Also, reacting to misbehavior with criticism or yelling negatively affects your youngster’s self-esteem. Kids value attention from their parents so much that any attention — negative or positive — is better than none.

3. Using disproportionate consequences: As a parent of a child on the autism spectrum, you understandably get perturbed from time to time. You may even have become so frustrated at a particular behavior that you said or did something that you felt guilty about later. This is normal and to be expected.  But, keep in mind that issuing a massive consequence – especially out of anger – that is not in proportion to the misbehavior is demoralizing for kids, and they may even give up trying to behave well.

4. Delaying consequences: Effective consequences are immediate. Every minute that passes after a behavior, your youngster is less likely to link his misbehavior to the consequence. As a result, you end up punishing for the sake of punishing, which makes it much less likely that the misbehavior will change.

Though kids with AS and HFA are found to have neurologically and developmental related symptoms over time, the primary problem is behavior. Moms and dads need an arsenal of coping methods to reduce the behavioral problems at home. By utilizing the suggestions listed above, such problems can be reduced to a more manageable - and livable - level.




==> More parenting strategies for dealing with behavioral problems in children and teens on the autism spectrum...
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
By

Marriage Difficulties and Raising Children on the Autism Spectrum

"Is it common for parents of children with autism (high functioning) to have difficulty in their own relationships? My husband and I differ greatly on how to parent our 5-year-old son, and this is causing problems in our marriage. He thinks I'm too soft and over-protective ...I think he's too harsh at times. I am feeling so stressed on multiple levels right now. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated."

Having a child with ASD [level 1] or High-Functioning Autism definitely has the potential to place a great deal of strain on a family, and particularly on a couple. Some couples may struggle with issues of blame, how the child should be disciplined, guilt, etc.

Daily routines are a constant challenge. A special needs child often comes with additional financial costs to the family. Dealing with the school can seem like a full-time job. The time that it takes to care for a special needs child can leave other family relationships with no attention. All of this can add up to a number of problems that need to be looked at.

One recent study reported that mothers with children on the autism spectrum have stress levels similar to combat soldiers. Another study showed that 39% of mothers parenting children with challenging behavior are stressed at the clinically significant level, and that this stress negatively impacts a child's outcome.

Many parents of children on the spectrum are aware of this stress and isolation, but they don't know how to combat it, or they put their children's mental health ahead of our own. It is easy to identify the problem, but so much harder to find a solution.

In order to cope with the stress that comes with a child with special needs, it will be necessary to be willing to talk about your feelings with your spouse. Seek the assistance of a therapist if you have the ability and resources to do so. There are also good books out there to help you understand more about supporting one another. Also. try to locate a local support group.


Learn as much as you can about the diagnosis and options that are available to you and your child. Try to maintain a consistent routine within the home to reduce additional stressors in the family.




 
Lastly, and perhaps more importantly, know that you are not alone. There's nothing "wrong" with your marriage. Many parents of kids on the spectrum are experiencing the same challenges. Below is some very valuable feedback from other parents who are in the same boat:
 
 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS FROM PARENTS:

• Anonymous said... Absolutely. It's typical for people to change their minds too.

• Anonymous said... Being aspie I think you will discover over the years that it's here to teach parents to approach their kids, leaning in with their ear first not the rod.  Aggressive behaviour towards people living with ASD only compounds sensory issues. Behaviour that NTs think is behavioural is actually neurological and corrections should not be approached with behavioural techniques.  Over stimulating children at a early age in an aggressive manners will only lead to them shutting down and by shutting Down I mean shutting out the aggressor.  As we don't need the quality and depth of relationships that NTs do its very easy for us to turn our backs on everyone including our family.  So ask your husband what kind of relationship he wants with his child in the future and perhaps he could adapt his technique accordingly.  I hope this helps.

• Anonymous said... I hear you! I have to walk away when husband disciplines. For some reason mommy instinct kicks in. He loves our son and wants him to listen. men just sound different then women when they yell or talk. Funny thing is our son listens better to him then me. Hang in there and try to find a therapist that will teach you how to work together. It worked for us!.

• Anonymous said... I think as mothers sometimes that protective lioness comes out. I am the one who went through life probably undiagnosed so I know it must be stressful on my husband to have two of us like it in the house.

• Anonymous said... It's very tough!!!! Read about it together - maybe that might help!!!

• Anonymous said... Me and hubby pretty quickly got on the same page re our son's condition and decided to use RDI to help our son become more flexible. We agreed in principle but struggled and disagreed sometimes with putting the theory into practice. We have acknowledged the strain this has put on our relationship and have worked hard to be mindful of the other's feelings, concerns and ideas when discussing anything to do with management of our son's condition. I think you have to find common ground and work from there.....be prepared to meet in the middle. We were lucky in that we agreed in principle with the theory of how best to manage the condition. Perhaps that is the place to start? Plus to explore some of the underlying assumptions you may both be making about why he behaves in a particular way and how best to manage this. Perhaps you need a mediator to help you work on this? It can be hard to work it out when you're so emotionally enmeshed in it.

• Anonymous said... My AS son is now 19 and I am married 31 years to an AS husband. It has not been easy and I learned a great deal about being patient. I too struggled greatly in the discipline area because it is so difficult to know where to draw the line with AS kids... Having an AS hubby makes it even more complicated because of the 'police' aspect of Aspergers. My strength to deal with all of this comes from the LORD. I am thankful to have Christ in my life... or I don't think I would have made it this far.

• Anonymous said... My son has Aspergers too. He is now 11 and my husband and I argue when disciplining him. My husband has to accept our son see"s things differently. He is going to the same destination we are ' he just takes a different route:-) My husband has been in denial and is slowly been coming around. Our son was diagnosed when he was 4 and we have experienced a lot of amazing moments. Our son is amazing and I am sure yours is too:-) Enjoy the journey with your son...I know your husband will come around too

• Anonymous said... sometimes you gotta let things go!what has worked for me is to discuss about the kids when they are sleeping or not in the room. communication is KEY! find out what he expects or wants for your child and tell him the same.you need to find a middle ground for you both. its vital for your childs future. and do what i do...take a break every know and then, take turns doing it! go for a car drive, meet up with friends or go for a walk, think of something to do alone. otherwise you will burn out!

• Anonymous said... We did for a little while until he started coming to therapy sessions. We also spend sometime reading together at night about aspergers. It's very helpful and now he understands a lot more. We have agreed on more things now and if we don't we discuss it before anyone hands out a time out Good luck!

• Anonymous said... When partner is disciplining walk out of earshot. If you confront them at the time they get worse. Harder on the child rather than easier. Have a chat while child is not around.

• Anonymous said... Yes, yes and yes! Daily here! My daughter is an Aspie (so am I for the record) and I know her and I both "Live in the moment" a lot. When my daughter was younger, she would meltdown so bad that I would have to hold her til she was calm so she wouldn't hurt herself. Now that she is older, she doesn't tantrum as bad, but I also know that what comes out of her mouth in the midst of being at a 10 on the emotional scale is not what she thinks overall. Aspies can be at a 10 emotionally and then a bit later be at a 2 acting as if nothing happened. My husband will then want punishments and some kind of closure to his feelings on the issue and his outrage at what happened a bit ago, and he wants something done to show that it wasn't okay for her to act out. The thing is.. I understand that she acted out because of frustration, being at a 10 emotionally and was having a meltdown (I still have them to this day sometimes myself), and if I punish her for those meltdowns, it's either going to key her up again or make her feel worse. I know she didn't mean to do those things but those emotions have to run their course because she will think clearly again. My husband just doesn't get it but I remind him over and over again "It's an Aspie thing" trust me on this.. please? She will be okay." That doesn't mean she gets away with the typical kid back talking and misbehaving, but when its emotions and frustration boiling over.. in our house, she should feel it is safe to let those out as long as she doesn't hurt anyone else or herself.

• Anonymous said... yes. you have to agree and balance the rules. Stick to them no matter what. Its the only way. Aspergers alone is confusing. makes it worse when you get two people one telling you one thing the other something else. Its not thinking of the child, forget about how you feel, the kids always go first. That is the beginning of figuring it out. Good luck.

•    Anonymous said... Absolutely...we were exactly the same way. We had to learn to compromise ...listen to each others valid points and make a plan. Its actually made our marriage stronger because we learned the reason why we felt the way we did had to do with our own upbringing. Having a common goal..helping our child..was important.

•    Anonymous said... My husband and I have a son that is now 25 - he has Aspbergers and other special needs. We had the exact same issue. To this day, we still struggle at times. So here are the two great pieces of advice that were shared through the years - and became more and more important and valuable: 1) Be the very best parent you can be at that moment. NEVER look back! Just know you did your best. Otherwise you will drive yourself insane with the 20/20 hindsight and guilt. 2) Never stop challenging your child to be all he/she can be. But!!! Be prepared to accept it when you know in your heart you've uncovered another limit in his/her life -don't try to force something that just isn't going to happen. You will only frustrate both of you and lose some of his/her trust in your safety...and you will regret it forever (I say that from experience. ) And just advice from our experience: Aspbergers was not a thing 20 years ago. GET HELP...YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE NOW. It doesn't get easier...you have to work as a couple...just go get help together...even if it's just a support group. Don't forget to give your other children time to talk about their feelings and frustrations -they may need help dealing with things sometimes...don't get so busy with your 5 - yr - old that you forget to make time for the others.  Last of all...remember that your husband knows exactly how little boys feel. Some things kids with Aspbergers do are not because of their exceptionality, but because he/she is just being a kid. They start figuring out how to work you and use their unique siuation. Listen and respect each other as a couple. You will be ok! If you all can learn to look at your child's situation as he/she lived in an exceptional world. He/she will never completely adjust to your world...you can learn to adjust to theirs. You will be shocked at how your child reacts and what you really begin to learn.

Post your comment below...
By

How to Get Capable Adult Children on the Autism Spectrum to Move Out

“We have a 28 year old son with ASD (high-functioning) who refuses to leave our house. He is a college graduate with a marketable degree, but he refuses to get a real job. He has earned a considerable amount of money playing online poker and just laughs in my face and tells me to shut up when I tell him that gaming is not a way to earn a living. I recently told him that if he was going to support himself by gambling that he needed to find a new place to live. He threw a huge tantrum, got in my face, cussed me out, and dared me to kick him out. On top of everything else, he does not clean up after himself. You’d think we had a 16 year old living here! We are at our wits end. We don't want to strain our relationship with our son by getting the police involved because we love him and have had plenty of good times over the years. But we are getting older, and it’s time for him to go. My wife and I are getting ready to retire and we do not need to spend our retirement dealing with this drama and chaos. How do we get our son to move on with his life in a non-confrontational manner?”

If you’re in a situation where your adult child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or ASD level 1 (over the age of 25) is still living with you, is overly-dependent, or lives at home in a situation that has become difficult or unbearable for you, then now is the time to take action (i.e., today – not tomorrow!).

Many parents wonder what will happen if they throw their adult child with “special needs” out of the nest. They often have trouble knowing how much to help their “suffering” child now that he is an adult. At some level, they may continue to “cushion” him or to “feel sorry” for him, which results in home-life being so comfortable that the child sees no reason to ever leave.

In this all-to-common scenario, parents have “stepped-in” time and time again to over-protect and over-assist their adult child. At a time where “typical” young adults are going off to college, starting a career, renting an apartment, and even getting married – the HFA adult simply wants to live in his parent’s basement and play video games.



Assess where you are right now by answering these questions:
  • Has the situation become so unbearable that your main concern is getting your adult son out of your house as quickly and safely as possible?
  • Do you see your son as wanting to become independent, or as simply being more comfortable allowing you to take care of all his responsibilities?
  • Are you in a place where your boundaries are being crossed and you need to establish some limits?

The longer you wait to muster-up some tough love, the harder it will be to get your son to launch into adulthood. If you’re waiting for things to get better on their own, you’re in for a long wait. You MUST begin the hard work of implementing a few tough love strategies. There is NO easy way out of this, so don’t expect that you can accomplish what you need to in a “non-confrontational manner.” You will have to confront – and be assertive here.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

What can parents of a young adult on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum do to help him live independently? Here are some simple, concrete steps to take:

1. Make it more uncomfortable to depend on you than to fly from the nest. One way to accomplish this is to stop paying for all the “extras” that your son views as necessities that really aren’t (e.g., cell phone, internet connection, video games, etc.). One mother reported that her 25-year-old son with Asperger’s decided those “extras” were important. Once she stopped providing free handouts (i.e., giving her son money for this and that), he was motivated to go get a job and started paying his own way, including renting an apartment.

2. Learn to say – and stick with – “no”.

3. DO NOT try to shield your son from experiencing the negative consequences and painful emotions associated with his poor choices.

4. Some adult children on the spectrum have literally worn out their welcome by taking and taking – financially and emotionally – without giving in return. Therefore, parents should not feel guilty about moving their grown child into independence so they can have their own life back. Parents have the right to spend their money on things for themselves, to have the environment they want in their home, and to enjoy peaceful evenings with no drama. You’ve raised your son. He’s an adult now. You are not expected to provide for him any more than your parents are expected to provide for you now that you are an adult.

5. Keep an eye out for your son’s guilt-trips.

6. Your HFA son is not a fragile individual who will probably fail miserably when he leaves the nest. As with most other young adults on the “high-functioning” end of the autism spectrum, he is capable of functioning on his own out in the real world. Your worries and doubts may be causing you to be so afraid of what will happen to your son – especially if you continue to think of him as a kid rather than an adult. In reality, your son is equal to you, and equally capable of making it in this life. Thinking of him as incompetent is actually a disservice to him and keeps you in parental “care-taking mode.” He may be uncomfortable with some of the steps you’re taking that encourage more responsibility – but that’s fine. Change is supposed to be uncomfortable. Getting out of your comfort zone strengthens you. This is what he needs to experience in order to make some serious changes within himself. Changing your viewpoint will help you avoid those “guilt” and “fear” emotional buttons.

7. Even with an adult child, parents should discipline rather than nag – and discipline without later reducing or negating the discipline.

8. If your adult son eventually moves into a separate residence, but still depends on you as a source of income, set some limits. State what you will and will not pay for. If you need to start small and work your way up, that’s fine. If, for example, you just can’t stop buying groceries for him yet, then start “pulling the plug” on a few small things (e.g., cell phone, money for gas, cigarettes, movie money, etc.). It is his responsibility to locate other resources (e.g., friends, churches, government assistance, etc.). Your son can always apply for assistance through government programs (e.g., food stamps, rental assistance, etc.) if he is truly unable to locate work and support himself.

9. Know that your HFA son does not always have to be happy in order to have high self-esteem.

10. Make sure that you and your son’s other parent are united and bonded on most issues.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

11. Many young adults – autistic or not – are struggling to become independent in today’s economy. True, the economy is bad, and our country is experiencing hard times. But that’s nothing new. We’ve gone through recessions and depressions before. The difference with many young HFA adults in today’s generation is the “sense of entitlement” and the “aversion to sacrificing” in order to make it. Today, society is all about technology and instant gratification. But, it’s not too late to teach your son the value of delayed gratification and working for the things he desires. It’s okay for him to be uncomfortable and realize he has the ability to survive hard times through self-reliance. If your guilt or fear buttons start getting pushed, remember this: You are giving your child these lessons out of love.

12. Pay attention to your feelings of guilt about how you have parented, and know it is a sign that you are – once again – beating up on yourself.

13. When you catch yourself feeling sorry for your “special needs” son, know it is a sign that you are – once again – taking on too much responsibility.

14. It’s okay for your adult son to be uncomfortable – we’ve all been uncomfortable and survived. It’s actually a good thing – and necessary for change. “Change” occurs when things feel uncomfortable, out of balance, or unsteady. It’s what motivates us to find our equilibrium again – through employment, returning to college, offering our services through odd jobs, or whatever it takes to get the things in life that we really want.

15. When your son needs to be comforted or cheered-up, do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, and validation rather than “giving” him things (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities, etc.).

16. Your HFA son may have made a career out of asking you to provide things for him that he can’t afford himself. Other people are not going to provide these things for him. There are no free hand-outs in the “real” world. But you may have been providing free hand-outs to your son, which may have lead him to believe that free hand-outs are everywhere (what a shock when he finds out differently!). Your son can live without an Internet connection (he can get online at the local library). He doesn’t have to text (he can write letters). His hair can get really, really long (he doesn’t “need” a haircut). You get the idea. Make sure you understand the difference between wants and needs.

17. Teach your son ways to cope with little money. For example, if he doesn’t have the money for cigarettes or alcohol– he doesn’t get them. He can take the bus. He can get clothes from Salvation Army or Goodwill. He can eat cheap (e.g., macaroni & cheese, Ramen noodles, etc.).

18. If you are O.K. with your adult child continuing to live at home, but you want him to mature and develop some emotional muscles, draw up a contract that specifies the terms of his living there. This is an agreement between two competent adults. Don’t think of your son as your kid. Instead, view him as a tenant. In this way, you’ll be less likely to have your emotional buttons triggered (e.g., feelings of guilt). Your son is not “entitled” to live in your home past the age of 18. It’s a privilege, and you have the right to set some realistic limits.

19. If your son typically pushes the “guilt” and “sympathy” buttons in order to stay dependent and comfortable, prepare yourself for what’s coming and create a plan on how you’ll handle it (e.g., make some note cards or adopt a slogan to remind yourself that you have the right to be free from negativity or meeting another adult’s needs).

20. Understand the motivation behind your son’s “inaction” and resistance to change. When a young adult with HFA feels “incapable,” he will try to feel “capable” by holding on to the “familiar” (e.g., surfing the Internet, playing childhood games, continuing to live at home with mom and dad, staying in bed, failing to find part-time employment, avoiding making plans to continue his education past high school, sitting on the couch, withholding overall involvement, etc.). All of this gives him a sense of being in control. To a parent, the behavior looks like pure “laziness” and lack of motivation. But the young adult views it as the only way to have power over what’s going on around him. The thought of being a “grown-up” with adult responsibilities is overwhelming. Thus, he holds on tightly to his comfort zone, which makes it even more difficult to “launch” into adulthood.

The young adult child who uses resistance as a form of “control” lacks both problem-solving skills and social skills. By implementing some of the suggestions listed above, parents can help their child on the autism spectrum to begin the process of blossoming into a functional, capable, contributing member of society.





Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…  Help him find an apartment and hire a moving truck. He needs to see what the real world is like...
•    Anonymous said… Do you have another adult child or a trusted friend that can be there with you and help explain to your son that for many reasons it is time for him to move out. Emphasis all the positives for moving out! Good Luck
•    Anonymous said… Does your wife feel the same ?
•    Anonymous said… He doesn't need help or deserve it with the way he is acting
•    Anonymous said… How about making his life not so easy? He is home because its good there. Mom probably cooks, You pay the bills, do his laundry, pickup for him....etc.Only you know what you are doing that shouldn't be doing for a 28 yr old. Maybe cutting the internet so he cant online game. Or how about looking for a different home. One like a duplex or with an in law quarters so your still together but have your own privacy. Hope things work out for you guys.
•    Anonymous said… I love the internet comment.
•    Anonymous said… I think this is a great article with many solid options on 'how' to start the process of transitioning grown children to move on towards independence. Independence feels 'good' and yes it takes work and practice, like everything else in life, but the journey is an important one. Yes, the parental 'guilt' can be overwhelming so thank you for addressing the 'feelings' aspect. At the end of the day, we want our children to be able to be self-sufficient in the real world. That would give me some serious 'peace of mind' . We work in conjunction with a behavioral therapist so the message of independence is being 'echoed' by a supportive professional & it's not just 'mom or dad' being 'mean'. My personal opinion is that if calls to the police or forced evictions can be avoided, it's best for all; however, I'm sure that's not an option for everybody.
•    Anonymous said… I'd pack up and move myself, downsize so he has no choice but to find somewhere else lol
•    Anonymous said… If he's old enough to gamble online, he's old enough to deal with the consequences of his behavior, and that includes taking care of himself. Enabling bad behavior in anyone -- adults or children, and this is no child -- doesn't help anyone and only serves to weaken them in the long run. Out you go.
•    Anonymous said… I'm pretty shocked at the responses from parents. It's quite possible this adult son might feel overwhelmed at the prospect of suddenly moving into complete independence, hence the angry outbursts. Not condoning his behavior, but his brain is not that of a typical 28 year old man. Maybe the parents need guardianship of their adult son, if he is not able to handle the daily stress of life (like self medicating with gambling). Geez. Go learn about autism, folks.
•    Anonymous said… Maybe you could help him find his own place close to you. Our Aspie purchased his own townhouse 2 blocks from us and continues to come to our house every evening after work, but goes home at bedtime. It's worked well for our family. This was part of his 'life plan' though. He had always told me he couldn't be 30 living at home with his mom "that would be weird" -  :-)
•    Anonymous said… Tough love, move his stuff to the porch and change the locks.
•    Anonymous said… We parents make life & home too comfortable and easy, no wonder kids don't want to leave the nest. I would ring the police if they get abusive or violent . Give them a deadline to move out. Get a retraining order if needed.
•    Anonymous said… You need to have him evicted and you should call the police when he is being abusive.
•    Anonymous said… Youve let it go on way too long  🤗 tough love can be a very good thing for both parties.
*   Anonymous said... Talk to him like an adult, kindly, when things aren't heated. Give him a couple of months to save up. Unfortunately for them, their emotions are messed up and many times don't match the situation. He may need so assistance but yes, it's time for him to go. You need peace and type up a written request of his departure, notice to evict, if he's nit taking things serious. This way, you can protect yourself legally. He needs to learn about the real world and he's a decade behind.
 
Post your comment below…
By

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for May, 2016]

 Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

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Mark,
You are a clever man. You're saving thousands of parents and their children. I just want you to know you're immensely humanitarian and I'm so very grateful to you and the Internet for finding you. After all these years I've only just discovered my son is probably Aspergers but have just thought he's always been a bit awkward and contrary. I never considered he might be wired differently to other children (though he's certainly different to my younger sons). He would hate labels in his clothes as a toddler, would fight other children causing me to avoid socialising with him, going in car seats, getting his hair cut at the barbers etc but he got through school and worked hard despite OCD tendencies and never had behavioural problems at school. He just seemed to lose all motivation after his A Level mock exams in February and wants to hide away and play on his games all day.
It's going to be a struggle but with your help I  hope to get him through before he ends up on the wrong side of the law.
Seeing his counsellor still as he likes him and also trying hypnotherapy for his anxiety. Do you think he will need additional specialist support as he needs to somehow motivate himself to get back to his studies and the outside world? His doctor has prescribed IBS medicine and told him to carry on seeing his counsellor but Aspergers has never been discussed. Do you think I should see him again and ask what support he can obtain with regards to his further education now?

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Hi Mark,
I just purchased the book. The program help parent with defiant asperger teen we purchased a few weeks ago really works. My son has not argued with me about two weeks.He is very mild asperger kid, I feel sorry I have not  looked for help earlier since he gets along with my husband very well. He only likes to control me and pick his younger sister. My husband tries his best to help us get along with each other until I change my parent style after I read your book and listened to your vedio.
Again, thank you very much for your help.
Regards,
Cathy

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Dear Mark,
I have been writing to you on and off about my son Aditya. His main problem is depression. This has been under pharmacological  treatment for the last three and a half years. He also has frequent mood swings between being ok and very depressed.

We  have been telling him about his Asperger personality traits and how the social experiences may contribute to depression and that social skill development is doable and will help him get over his sadness and social inhibition . However he has not really taken this very seriously.
 His main problem used to be about his lack of success with having a girlfriend. However now his depression has made him disinterested in everything and he says he doesn't even want a girlfriend any more. Many changes of antidepressants seem to help only marginally. He seems to have given up on having a happy life. Also he has been reading up on spirituality and it seems to have made him even more detached. He probably has taken it all too literally...
You had once said that you do 'life coaching ' of Asperger Synd people. Is this something you still do? Would you be willing to help Aditya rediscover his joy of living , which he did once have in his younger days? He is 29 years old now.
Please do let me know the details about this,  and also how much you charge for your help.

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Thank you for providing this resource for us. A little background: My daughter, Josie, is 12 yrs old and in 6th grade. Since she was 4 yrs old she has had assessments done by pediatricians, psychologists, physical therapists, neuro-psychs, and speech therapists. Lots of things were ruled out but until she was 7 yrs old she did not recieve a diagnosis from anyone. A psychologist finally gave her a PDD-NOS diagnosis. She started got her an IEP at school and she started physical therapy and ADHD meds (the meds did not do anything but ramp up her anxiety) she was generally doing quite well at the time, but struggled with impulsivity and self care skills, it was managable for us at the time. She is creative and sings, plays piano and is a great artist. These skills have kept her happy and occupied while she was younger.

Now she is 12 and in 6th grade, and her deficits with executive function and social skills are starting to affect her emotionally. It is no longer enough for her to draw and play music, she desperately wants friends. Resources for tween/teen girls have been difficult for us to find even though we live in Los Angeles. The good programs are out of our reach financially and our insurance won't cover. She has done some talk therapy but that did not seem to help. So we are really struggling with how to help her.  Her main issues are:

1. Self care (she has poor personal hygiene and she will shower everyday but forget to use soap, she doesnt brush her teeth properly but refuses to let us help her, she won't wash her hands and has trouble taking care of her hair etc) This has become more much challenging as she wants and needs independence and gets very upset if we try to help her in these areas. I don't want to have her feel humiliated- so we have made a list that hangs in the bathroom, we give her gentle reminders, send her back in the shower etc. This has been going on for about a year and with our way of doing this she still has not been able to make it routine.  This issue affects the next area she struggles with.

2. Friendship/social skills: She is friendly and fun and initially seems to be able to make friends. These friendships don't last very long though. And she has never really had a true friend. No hanging out with friends after shool, sleep overs etc. She is lonely. She is not very open with us so we do not know what exactly ends these short term friendships, but we are assuming that she behaves in a way that makes the friend distance themselves from her. She tends to obsess over the friend and contacts them too much, her humor is a bit off and she can be very blunt. She also does not understand the give and take needed to establish close relationships and is not very interested in the other childs point of view or interests and mostly talks about herself. We do try to model this for her as well as talk to her about the importance of asking questions, showing interest and not overwhelming a friend. But with this we also are not making much progress.

3. Computer/online use: She is completely obsessed with being on the computer. She loves games like Movie star planet and IMVU. These games have chat rooms and lots of on line social interaction Ironically we have found that she has learned a lot from these games in terms of how to socially interact, music, fashion and other things that girls her age are interested in. So initially we thought it was a good outlet for her to have a quasi social life. The characters the kids create interact etc. And it makes her extremely happy when she is playing these games. At the same time she is not always safe and gives out personal info or gets sucked into drama that is above her maturity level. She creates dramatic alter egos for attention  and we had to shut it down. She was very depressed about this for a very long time and began self harming by cutting her upper arms. Her psychiatrist told us that this is not uncommon for teen girls with ASD and is a form of self stimulation. She ha!
 s not attempted this in along time and we now let her use the computer for very short supervised periods of time. But she is sneaky and will take my phone or use a siblings tablet.

I know that it is best to focus on one issue at a time. These are our main issues currently and we are not sure where to start and which issue to focus on. Her moods are very dependent upon access to being on-line (we use it as a rewards system and that seems to work) We dont know if we should completely take computer/tablet/phone privileges away from her until we have a handle on her behaviors and have built trust, and at the same time she almost becomes depressed if she does not have access because this is her only social connectivity and she really needs that at her age. We hope that you can help guide us on where to start.

We are enrolling her in a once weekly social skills group and she does have a psychiatrist that she sees for anxiety meds and ADHD management but he does not believe that she has ADHD. He tells her that she is immature for her age and that she will grow out of it. What else should we be doing? Are there any skills groups for teens re executive function? We have searched everywhere and cannot seem to find anything for girls her age. Most services seem to be for younger kids. Even social skills groups are mostly for boys.

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            I'm sure this is not the first letter you have received from a grandparent asking for your help or if the program can help,so I'm hoping the answer is yes it can. Our grandson is turning 9 in a few weeks was diagnosed with Aspergers in first grade I have noticed he is becoming more aggressive toward his sister and two cousins whom are both girls and younger than him, and not just verbally abusive but also physically. His parents of course are embarrassed and frustrated and his Aunts and Uncles are starting to avoid including him in family functions for fear he will hurt one of the girls, at our last family gathering there were friends over with boys about the same age as him and he punched one in the face and threatened to saw him in half  (I'm hoping he had watched a circus act and meant this in a comedic way but how do you explain that to a parent as they are rushing out the door in horror with their boys). We live about two hours away from them and don't see them as often as we would like but I would love to be able to share this with our daughter so she, our grandson and granddaughters can enjoy family time again.......help?

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 I have this immensely stressful situation with our son and in all honesty, I am alone in parenting and managing the chaos because my husband is holding on to so much resentment that he is unwilling to address it or let go of it.  I just don't know how to be the anchor in my family.  I am completely depleted by my sons behavior, but also very much depleted with my husbands reactions, resentment and anxiety.  He also has, all or nothing type of the thinking and an intense level of going through the anxiety cycle that is provoked by my sons behavior.  I feel ungrounded and anxious myself.  I am having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other this week.

My son has refused to come home because he does not want his car taken from him.  We know he is town because I have seen his car in passing and he has texted once.  He has been gone for 2 days and this creates much anxiety in the sense that he has been chemically imbalanced for days now, not taking his meds.  His impulsivity is off the charts and with this imbalance it makes things very nerve wracking on our end because anything can happen.  Our own anxiety kicks in because it's now a safety issue where if he hurts someone we are liable and responsible.  Realistically, what are our options here? 

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I've downloaded your very encouraging and extensively-equipped e-book and begun to implement better discipline techniques with our almost 17-year old son.
He has crippling social anxiety which has prevented him from continuing with his studies since February and we're trying all manner of therapy to help him with those issues but he is the most obnoxious, spoilt lad and fits the profile of your example aspergers teen very much although he has got through school all these years with no problems if he has had problems mixing with others but only to a degree until recently.

He has a small group of friends but has totally isolated himself to mainly communicating online so is only reinforcing his social phobia by avoiding going out.

Coupled with these problems he blames us for everything and refuses to seek help or discuss what he wants to do which gets very frustrating.
Today my husband demanded he discusses things with us and it resulted in a huge rage incident where both myself and my husband tried to physically throw him out of the house but were unable to. He's very strong and tall with the mind of a 9 year old like you say.

Anyway we told him to give us his laptop after we confiscated the Xbox and was met with more foul language but he eventually gave it to us after we said he can have his stuff back after 3 days if he doesn't abuse us any more.

He is still being abusive and I guess I'm to tell him he will lose an extra day? The trouble is he will still ignore that and carry on being abusive. Whenever we confiscate his stuff he immediately reacts with abuse. He still has his phone but I've put a timer on the wifi now so nobody can use it after 11pm.
What has prevented us tackling it previously is because giving in I guess has prevented these raging tantrums which his younger brothers have had to witness numerous times.

I'd just like some further clarification on the abuse-after-consequence is enforced as I want to avoid piling up never-ending consequences  but the profanity is simply demonic towards us.

Any advice gratefully received as you seem to know exactly what we're dealing with.

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Last night I was hurt by my 13 year old daughter . She didn't want to leave a party ("I was finally having fun mom ") and hit me in the driveway with
Her coat in the face . She didn't realize her phone was in there and it caused a huge welt above my eye immediately and I am still
In pain .

I want to make sure my reaction sends the right message to this serious issue . I am more than hurt. Of course
I am worried someone saw from the front window and our friendship with the hosts and guests will
Be impacted .   I know my daughter is most likely an aspergers teen and was struggling all day . ( a stressful
Private school Spanish exam that cause tons of anxiety that morning, a cake that didn't turn out right and she
Abandoned her friends and the project and the mess at my house that afternoon .  I know she was reluctant to come to the party and I struggle with
Leaving her home because once I do she tries to skip/avoid that social event each time . It seems important to bring her the few places we r still invited and welcome. These families have nice daughters her age that are really tolerant and nice to her.

What would u do ? For how long ? Who what where when????  I know the why .

Please help me . Our therapist sees us every other week and downplays most of my concerns.

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Hi There,

I am really concerned about my 9 -year old, he's adjust about 3 years.  My
son has a multitude of complex medical issues. He was recently
re-evaluated for his special ed eligibility.  We found out that he has
receptive language disorder and most likely from the OT eval central
auditory. He's been through OT and speech when he was younger and some
early intervention. I have been told he's been cleared of being on the
spectrum and that was through several speech therapist.

Here is what Joel is doing. His expressive language is o.k., but when he
speaks, usually excited about something he will repeat the sequence of
something he did or something he gets to do. Its almost like the brain
gets stuck or a continuous loop, I try to redirect , but he still stays
fixated.

I live in a small town, so not allot of services, would like some input.

Here is what he does:  "So for example his dad will take him to turn in
cans and then to get a video after he has save his money."

So this is Joel's conversation: Daddy going to take me to get cans , turn
in, go to game stop and he will repeat that for several hours, some times
a pause, until it happens.  plus excessive talking and interruptions. Dad
and I both try to redirect, but it does wear on us.

I have been doing research, and I wasn't sure if this would fall under
Asperger's or not. I know that Echolalia term has been used ..

Any input would be helpful...

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Dear Mr. Hutten,
I am a mom of a 17 years old boy. It was only last year I brought him to see a psychiatrist after he broke down and refused to attend public school.  The psychiatric just said that he has asperger syndrome after seeing my son body language. He was unable to make him talk after 4 session with him. He told me it would be fruitless if my son refuse to talk to him. It was best for us as parents to guide him at home.
My son was a normal kid until we sent him to Chinese speaking school which he did not master. It was fine for the 1st year, for the 2nd year results was not good. I spent time to coach him Malay language and sent him Chinese tuition. His grade getting better for Malay but not Chinese. He never fail the Chinese subject, though. By the way, all subjects were in chinese. He excelled in his chinese maths. Maths is his favourite subject.
It was until when he was in year 3, i believe one of the teachers made fun of him or scolded him in front of the class that cause him refusing to speak to teachers until now. He is a very prideful child and smart kid. He knows he was rude for not speaking or not looking at teachers when spoken with. He would speak to his friend and the friend would answer to the teacher.
My son told me he has social anxiety and didn't know why he was reacting that way. He was very frustrated that was when he accepted psychiatric help. But when psychiatric waz unable to help, he felt hopeless for a while and refuse seeing other psychiatric. I could not even mention it, he would shut himself out.
Since the day he broken down, I hv pulled him out of public school and let him studying ICGSE O-level on line. He is coping very well with his studies and less depressing now. 

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At school, if he gets yellow or orange behavior card, he is grounded for 2 days and no privileges to use his toy and free time. (he needs to get green or blue behavior color to receive all of his privileges)
We have noticed that he sometimes change the color of the behavior card he receives (he erase yellow color, and change to green before come back home), and we have decided to ground him for 3 days if he lie or cheating. (2 days grounding for normal violation and 3 days of grounding for cheating or lie)

Problem is he violates(cheating, do not follow grounding direction) for almost everyday since middle of the April, and we reset grounding for almost 3 weeks. So, he has no use of anything for 3 weeks!  Incident happened yesterday was, he stole small accessary (lock and keys) at school book fair, and teacher noticed him, and consequently got a office visit.  Me and my husband also brought him to local police station last night to teach him a lesson.  However, he brings his wallet to school today to buy the small accessary without our permission.

I know 3 weeks of grounding is really too harsh to him, and he seems frustrated everyday.
I wonder we are really in the right track...to keep this program is worthy for him.
Actually his first IEP meeting is 2 days ahead, we don't have much strategies for the meeting.
He has diagnosed as ADHD in 2015 and additionally diagnosed as mild ASD & Asperger's syndrome in April 2016 from private doctor. (he is 7 years old and 2nd grade)
School district has also assessed him during 1 month, and I have received evaluation report yesterday. For your reference, I am attaching APPENDIX part of school evaluation report.

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Hi, I adopted my granddaughter at age 6, she is 11 now.  She was taken away from her mom at age 3 and placed in foster care.  She lived out of state so I did not have much of a connection until she came to live with me.  She has been diagnosed with RAD and ODD.  She was in counseling the first 3 years she lived with me, and the counselor felt she was no longer in need of his services.  I just had a incident at school where she lied and said another student hit her, but found out she had not and that the student had accused my granddaughter of stealing one of her pencils.  She went do far with this lie that she told 2 teachers and the principle about it.  I have seen more anger issues lately, she has stolen things off and on, and much lying.  My question is what can I do to help her?  Is there a special kind of therapist or counselor I need her to see, and what approach should I be taking with her?  Thank you for your time

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My 10 year old son has ODD. He gets sent home from school early everyday & his schedule is only 3 & a half hours daily already. The school has called DFS in the past for my “inability to parent” . He did great for a few months but like everything else it worked for awhile then it no longer did with no apparent reason for the change. Everything I try takes so long to work the school assumes I’m doing nothing at all. Explaining what I’m doing also does no good because they assume I’m either making excuses for my son or myself. The last time we spoke about his behavior they were vague & mentioned ‘outside agencies’ might be necessary. I’m at the end of my rope with no end in sight. HELP!

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Hello, I am seeking answers for a situation I have with my son who has Asperger's/ADHD/etc. The situation is so multi-layered, I don't know where to begin. I will try to condense. My son has Asperger's/high-functioning autism, and he is so intelligent in some areas that it is really hard to tell for some people. If you don't live with him, people just think he is a selfish jerk. At age 19, he decided to exclude himself from family holiday gatherings that have always been dysfunctional and torturous for us to make our obligatory attendance every year. He told me to tell everyone that if they wanted to see him, they were welcome to come by and visit as he would be celebrating comfortably and happy at home. I commend him for his independence and logic, but they call him selfish and rude. Anyways, this is just a little insight about his nature. The problem I seek answers to at the moment is this: Almost a year ago, his girlfriend moved in with us (my son and I) the day she turned 18, to get away from her “controlling” parents. Last night, I was in the kitchen cooking and they came in to make their dinner. My son was apparently trying to teach her how to cook. This is when I noticed what other people have recently noticed. He is very controlling of her. He was telling her very detailed instructions in a very rigid manner, and she had no room for error. I had to step in and comment when I saw her body language and facial expressions, which reminded me of my own past abuse issues from bad relationships. I told him to let her do it the way she wanted, more or less. She then looked mortified at what his next reaction would be. He became very silent and I knew a storm was brewing. In a nutshell, I have many of my own issues, my son has many of his own issues, and his girlfriend has hers. We are oozing issues all over each other and I don’t know where to begin, as we all need help. My son won’t do anything to seek help. Any suggestions? Thanks so much!

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Dr. Hutten
I am a speech pathologist working in a private school for children with learning differences and high functioning autism or asp in high school.  I have experience with younger children but need more information regarding teenagers.  I would like some suggestions for my program and especially would like information I can give to my parents.  Thank you for your support. 

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My daughter is 15 now and  was diagnosed at an early age.  She has had early intervention, sporadic therapy , and medication.  We recently changed her meds as abilify was way too expensive and it was not a perfect fit either, she is now on Lexapro.  Currently she is having many rage issues, anxiety, meltdowns and has described herself as scratching herself on her bus ride home due to over stimulation around her.  She does see a therapist and a psychiatrist, although my husband and I are seeking additional resources to help with her behavior. Will this program be helpful for her and us? When her therapist sees her my daughter presents as a normal adolescent , not like the individual we experience daily for this reason I don't feel the therapy she is receiving is very helpful .

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Dear Mark,
I just came across your website while searching in desperation for advice on what to do with my 13 year old stepson. I'm not sure if you offer advice over email, but I thought I'd try. 

My stepson (we'll call him Alex) has always been hard to discipline because he has absolute to response to consequences - good or bad. You can offer the exact thing he's been wanted and he's willing to throw it out the window in favor of acting out or not listening or you can take away absolutely everything and he doesn't care. I have often wondered if he has separation anxiety disorder or depression (as I tend be a bit of an armchair psychologist). 

His mom lacks basic parental instincts or behavior and will often say the most awful things you've heard a mom say to a kid. She left him to be with another man in the middle of the night and that's part of why I wonder about the separation anxiety disorder (not getting attached to things that can be taken away). Alex is with us Friday PM-Tuesay AM which means every weekend is awful - his defiance completely ruins every weekend.

After 5 years of me pushing for a conversation with the school and the doctor, my husband finally pursued an ADD/ADHD evaluation because Alex was clearly off-the-charts ADD and we received the diagnosis in March. Instantly, on adderol, Alex was a different kid - handwriting changes, he was thinking critically, writing in complete sentences, clearly articulating what's happening in school, remembering things etc. His grades went from Fs to Bs in a matter of weeks.

BUT, getting him out of bed has always been a challenge and we've seem to run head on into teenage defiance meeting a body that needs rest from both puberty and the meds. He absolutely refuses to get out of bed for school, and because he doesn't care about consequences, your suggestions from this post aren't working. We fought super hard to get him onto the baseball team through his new 504 and despite of his bad grades. He's thriving, but willing to throw it away because he won't get out of bed. He doesn't care about make-up homework or grades and will just flat out refuse to do anything my husband tells him to do. He was always nice to me, but has become flat-out defiant and nasty to me and won't do anything. Just yesterday, one of our chickens had been attacked and had no skin on his head; I was only home with Alex (who was sleeping) and ran into his room with a bloody chicken in my hands asking for help saving it's life and he just rolled over, told me to get a towel and deal with it myself, and went back to sleep. I no longer choose to engage with him (which is probably the opposite of what I should do, but I can't take the abuse being hurled at me, and as the stepparent, I'm backing away).

My husband is at a complete loss of what to do and feels helpless. I'm newly pregnant and need to focus on minimizing my stress. 

Any help you can offer would be appreciated more than you could know.
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I read online this program might work for adults.  My son became a diabetic at age 23-diabetes type one. He now was living out of state. His job moved him there. Alcohol wa a problem in college but once diabetic he quit drinking.  He was in hospital frequently with keto acidosis. A pump helped wonderfully for 5 years but with insurance changes could no longer afford supplies.  Now he is on dialysis and has gastroparesis.  Why am I asking niw you say "he purposely shoots himself in foot all the time"  he much if the time has vomiting diarrhea or both.  He did not like last endocrinologist and didn'go until had to. Wouldn't change either.  I think he could help some with gastroparesis . After about 10 days of Gi issues wanted to go out to eat after studying menu ordered fajitas with chorizo. Eric I said to him chorizo?  We hadn't been home an hour until all came up? Why he knew better.

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Good Morning!
I am back to scouring the internet for solutions on what to do with my son, when I came across your website.  I am considering trying your OPS, but I have a couple of questions for you. This system seems to be tailored more towards defiant, oppositional children, and my son doesn't really fall into that category.  (My son just turned 15 this month and is on medication for ADHD.) 
However, he has been sneaking out of the house repeatedly, despite our efforts to keep him from it.  A few of the nights he snuck out he and some friends stole the school's driver's ed car and the police brought him home.  So he has been in trouble with the law, which as it turns out was very lenient with him and only gave him community service, took his license, and gave him a curfew.  I thought the curfew would deter him from sneaking out but it hasn't. We have taken all of his electronics to deter communication with these "friends", however he keeps finding ways to get iPods, he stole his sisters, and his friends keep providing him with them. 
We also grounded him from doing anything outside of the house, no friends ect.  We started a reward/punishment system with him where if he does certain things like sneaking out for example he gets another month of grounding; picks on his brother or sister, an additional day; and if he does certain positive things he can reduce his grounding.  We thought putting this in his hands would help give him control over the situation and realize his actions have consequences.  It has been going great during the day, he has been more responsible and doing what we ask around the house, earning back some days from his grounding, then we find out he snuck out 3 more times earlier this month and had one of his friends Ipods, which is how we found out he had snuck out!
I don't know what more to do.  We have tried counseling (which didn't help at all) and even tried to get him in to a boys home for help, but that isn't going to work either unless we want to be bankrupt!  Will your system help us too? 
He is a good kid, loving, in fact he acts immature for his age.  The problem is he has this other side to him that he continues to sneak out to hang out with his friends despite all we have tried, or even the fact that he could get in trouble with the law being out after curfew.  He claims he meets with his friends because he and his friends confide in each other, his friends need someone to talk to. I believe there has been some drinking involved initially.  And he was messing with making cigarettes before as well.  I have no idea if that has stopped.  Oh, and did I mention the lying?  He is a very good liar. 
No one seems to have any answers for us, not the counselor, the states attorney, his doctor.  I don't know what else to do aside from having a security system installed on our house and hire a babysitter to watch him all day! We cannot trust him at all.

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Hi there

I'm a mum from Scotland is despair. My son is having several problems at school and unfortunately I'm not receiving much help from his teachers or the school itself.

How do I know if my son has Asperges. I've been through many websites and he does follow some of the patterns, but by no means all.

He struggles to get involved in teams and often prefers to play his own game, he's happy for others to get involved but he struggles to involve himself in their games.

He lacks empathy and resilience, things we are working on. His teacher recently suggested he receive support with his spelling and social stories for his inability to get involved with his peers. Does this mean she suspects Asperges?

I am very lost and need help. Any suggestions would be gladly received.

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Hi Mark,

Thanks for your follow up email. 

Currently encountering cross road about my marriage and we just got married last year October.  Its our second marriage!  When he told me after we got married that he is Aspie which I've no cue what is that about.  He seems to be fairly normal and smart but he does have some issues which I thought it was related to his family upbring.

I have been reading about Asperger and does helped me to understand certain behaviours of his.  The point is I am not sure he is aware of his aspie issue can destroy the relationship?  It has been challenging to deal with his disrespectful name calling towards me?  Not feeling remorseful nor sorry.

We have not been talking for a week now, emailed him (he said communicated via email) to ask for a proper discussion on how are we going to move forward. His replied was he is not ready and he is shutting down. He just returned from US ( we living in Asia) and he had an back operation few weeks ago.

Anyway, I am ready to give up now. 

Cheers
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Hi Mark,

I came across your interesting website and decided to write to you. I have a 27 year old son with Asperger’s Syndrome who has refused to communicate with me for 10 years. I love him and was his advocate all his life. His behavior towards me became violent at around age 13-14 and then, at 17, his father was forced to let him live with him. His father and step mother did not want him but coped with the situation. My son turned against me and they allowed it. My AS son lives with his girlfriend and doesn’t even communicate with my younger son anymore. I have reached out and searched for an answer to this sad situation for years. My AS son needs social skills help (he is gifted and bright, drives, takes care of himself and girlfriend but doesn’t work or go to college). I am wishing for an intervention of some kind. 

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We have an almost 24 yr old son, Andrew, with Aspergers’ (though he denies it).  We also have a 20 year old daughter, Alison, with Rett Syndrome.  Andrew blames Alison for ruining his life.  He claims he was traumatized at an early age by her because he didn’t understand what was going on with her.  We tried desperately to help him to understand her condition as will as try to provide equal time between the two of them.  He now claims that he was totally paralyzed with fear and afraid to ask for help.  He is now mad that we never realized it.  We’ve had him in therapy on and off for years trying to help him deal with our family situation; nothing seemed to provide relief.  It wasn’t until three years ago that we told him of his diagnosis and, if hind sight is 20-20, we probably should have told him from the beginning.  Both kids were diagnosed around the same time and we didn’t want him to feel that something was “wrong” with him like there was with his sister.  Anyway, for the past three years he’s been in therapy and has been seen by numerous Psychiatrists (he hates them all because he feels the profession is BS).  He says he doesn’t consider his sister to be human and we need to put her away so he can get on with his life.  That is not an option for us for various reasons.  The bottom fell out a few weeks ago and we’ve had several family sessions with his Psychologist.  Unfortunately we haven’t really gotten anywhere.  Andrew has his own apartment, drives for Uber, and can, for the most part, live on his own but he comes and stays at our house quite frequently because he says he keeps having relapses because “of her” and can’t get on with his life. The stress of him being here is insurmountable.  We in no way minimize how he felt as a little kid, but we do see a pattern here.  He has always done the classic obsessing  over things which have lasted for months at a time and we think he is doing it again with this, only this has manifested into something very damaging.  It is almost like he enjoys being the victim, the comfort of the attention from his dad myself, and his psychologist, and the excuse to not have to become responsible.  We are at our wits end.  We think his Psychologist is too passive and basically lets him vent without giving him concrete skills to overcome this.  It’s so frustrating because he would rather blame everyone for his woes.  There has to be a way of getting him unstuck from his past and take responsibility for his thoughts, feelings, etc.  How do we do this?   Your help would be greatly appreciated.

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Hey Mark!
I'd like to pick your brain on something.
I work at a company that trains individuals with AS and HFA how to develop apps, games via technology. 
There is an individual I will refer to as Nick (that's my son's name) with AS.  Nick has had a crush on two different neurotypical young female staff members.  The first crush was handled by one of the (male) directors.  This director talked to Nick about his apparent 'crush' on female #1 was not appropriate since she was staff, etc. 
Now when Nick sees female #1 he literally runs in order to avoid/escape her presence.
Last week Nick tried to kiss Female #2 by telling her he wanted to show her something.  He had her seat in front of a computer and when she sat, he put his hand softly around the back of her neck and reached down and tried to kiss her.  She rejected his attempt.  Female #2 told him no and held her hands up to block his kiss.  He voiced that she was giving him all of the signals that she was interested in having a relationship. 
Female #2 feels awful that Nick was under the wrong impression.  The director called him into the office and explained that it is inappropriate for Nick to have a relationship with staff. 
Female #2 also feels awful that her 'actions' may have gotten Nick in trouble. 
I told her to be prepared for his escape/avoidance behavior next week. 
She told him last week that they would talk  about the scenario and he said don't come near me.
Do you have some helpful advice for her?  And for him?
Thanks.  Interested in your thoughts!

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My son was recently diagnosed, because I noticed his increased difficulty to keep friends, he's 8 years old, and nobody ever gave us an indication of his situation. I always had to ask him about his social time at school and last year wasn't that bad, he had a best friend, but this year little by little he's become isolated, even kids who were friendly to him, now are rejecting him. How can I help him? It breaks my heart to see that he used to be a lively and happy kid and now he's not like that.

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Hi Mark,
First off, I wanted to compliment you on the page you have created at http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/09/aspergersautism-online-resources.html. While I was on the page for work, I noticed you featured FamilyEducation's homepage:
FamilyEducation is a great resource for teachers, but what if you want to easily create and customize a free lesson plan for a math, science and language arts class? Well, our startup, FormSwift, has a solution.
We thought that we could create better-looking, more efficient lesson plan templates, which could help teachers and educators expedite the process of writing a lesson plan at absolutely no cost. Here is our finished work:
In my opinion, our Lesson Plans Hub is more thorough, up-to-date, and user-friendly than any other existing online lesson plan template resource, not to mention it is completely free for anyone to use. So, considering you have previously shared FamilyEducation's website, I think it would be great if you could add our Lesson Plans Hub as a companion tool for your readers.
I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you for your time and consideration!
Cheers,
Jamie

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We have seen 4 therapists, 2 pediatricians, an internal medicine doctor, a sleep study doctor, taken a 15 minute test for ADD from licensed psychologist, consulted psychiatrists, been in an inpatient behavioral health center for a little over 2 weeks. I have had conflicting advice and diagnoses. One therapist said no to Borderline Personality or Aspergers. One therapist said he may possibly be on the spectrum. Another had a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Psychiatrists one said he was depressed and put him on Prozac. Which seemed to help, but the son quit taking when he goggled what it was for. Another psychiatrist prescribed Adderal which seemed to help one day but he stayed up all night playing video games and blamed the medicine. He quit taking. The latest therapist is seeing obvious signs of video game addiction. He has stayed up 24 hours playing when allowed by therapist advice. (Awake for 36 hours with 1 1/2 nap.) Refusing to do school and stay in bed all day when gaming taken away. Currently 6 months behind in school. Current therapist sees possible personality disorders including borderline and narcissism. Son will be 17 in a month. We have not had autism tested, but therapist suggested. Our teen is non-compliant concerning medicines, therapy appointments, and doctor's appointments. We have made and missed multiple appointments. No guarantees to get compliance on anything. He is a picky eater. 6'2 and 145 lbs. Only wants certain foods at home or eat out daily. Very difficult child. Lazy, not motivated. Doesn't care if he is a high school drop-out. His plan is to live at home with parents, play video games and spend his car fund savings account on gun graphics for his game. Need help.

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Hi Mark:
My son threatened suicide and is now in  a treatment center.
We have struggled all of his life . However, now that all the
stress of school is gone and the pressure is off I can see
the mental component much more clearly.
It gets lost in public school and in daily life.
Now placing him in an alternative school for High Functioning Autism.
is extremely difficult .
I have my work cut out for me . Matthew , has an I.e.p, but the school
thinks they can handle it . They cant I am seeking counsel in my area.
This book is going to help us further parent Matthew, my son .Thanks.

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Hi,

I think I have a brother with ASD, it's causing my mother and I a great deal of emotional problems. Can you help me to understand if he does actually have this, or just a total asshole or psychopath. It would really help us to deal with him. 

I can chat via skype, and send you a very long email thread that will show you everything about our relationship. 

Please get back to me. My skype is: olli
I get a lot of spam, so please include a message saying it's about this with your request. 

Thanks.

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Hello,
We have a son with high functioning aspergers. We live in California. He was adopted at birth as well. He is a great kid but has always been difficult. He is being a bit rebellious and has trouble with disrespect to us and anger. He is pretty social but sabotages any friendships even though he is liked. He suffers from low self esteem and wrong perspectives. We are not doing well as a family here and are seeking help. Maybe in depth therapy somewhere to help him and us with our relationship. He is not violent or a drug user and we are a Christian family. Do you know of any place he can go for some therapy that would be safe and helpful with the knowledge or aspergers .? Appreciate any help.
Thanks

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Can you point me to links/help related to an ex-spouse who is enabling & coddling 20 yr old aspie son, specifically what WE can do to set boundaries with 1. son (who refuses to go to therapy/help) and 2. mother (who coddles like you rarely see, e.g. mom texts before he goes over there if he wants his cinnamon sugar toast ready-level of coddling, etc..)

My husband (Dad) and I (step-mom) are all on board with suggestions per Mark's launching advice, however while ex-spouse sees spectrum behavior, she has ignored Mark's info which we sent to her and seems to believe her "ways" will someday ("maybe it will take him until he's 27") finally "work" and he'll be independent.  

Her level of coddling with a NT would be dysfunctional and harmful for launching.  Add an Aspie and it's lethal.

What can we do to set healthy boundaries with son and ex-wife, so that when the next crisis happens it's on her and he can't live here unless he gets help and shows effort towards independence.

-admitted to hospital psych ward after he wigged out about a family friend (girl), who took him under her wings away at college, finally set HER boundary and said you need to figure this out by yourself..... he must have thought she liked him and then was devastated she abandoned him.

-2 horrible college semesters (away, huge state college)
-3rd semester he did nothing, literally 0.00 for 13 credits....................no care in the world when he came home and lied during semester when dad went up there many, many times to check on academic status

-flew the coop on a bus to another state bec he didn't want to watch his little sister during the summer (mom's 7 yr old daughter she had while married to dad = divorce)

So step-son is "messed up" with that too. I.E. needs therapy in many ways, social skills training, etc....

Do we tell him can't stay night here unless he agrees to therapy?  Do we say mom you're on your own with him.  Don't call us when the next crisis happens.  You made your bed with him now sleep in it, until you agree to support healthy moves to independence?

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Hello Dr. Hutten,

I have a 12 year old son who has been diagnosed with Aspergers. I knew something was wrong since he was a baby and I have been through a very rocky road with him trying to get doctors to explain to me what was going on but, they all just pushed him aside. They even said they could not really diagnose him for sure with Aspergers because he was all over the place. He had a little bit of everything. Even a so called “author of Aspergers” told me the exact same thing. I was so frustrated with the system that was suppose to be there to support us but, instead they turned their back on us. If it wasn’t for certain angels I met along the way, I don’t know that I would be where I am with him today. I have pretty much struggled on my own to be an advocate for my child and have hit quite a few bumps along the way. On top of this my daughter (my son’s twin sister) recently developed generalized anxiety. She is also on the borderline of anorexia nervosa. Why borderline? She too does not “quite meet the criteria” for a treatment program. Her BMI is barely 16 and the criteria is 15. Trying to get help for her has been a struggle too.

I often feel overwhelmed and like I am failing my children not to mention that I feel like a failure as a Parent and, I am reminded of this on a daily basis. There are times when I just feel like I can’t hang on anymore but, I know I have too. My health has taken quite a toll. Lately, I have been extremely stressed out and I am about to hit menopause. I have circulation problems along with nerve damage on the right side of my body and, arthritis in both my knees. I am always putting myself aside because I do not have time to tend to my needs with everything I have on my plate. So, I just suck it up and deal with all the pain and keep moving forward. I just learn to deal with it! But, I don’t like it. I don’t feel the happiness that other parents feel with their children. I often wonder if I am just not cut out to be a parent but, then why would God have given me 2 beautiful children? I love my children. My calendar is always full of doctors appointments. That’s all our lives seem to revolve around. I feel that it is taking a toll on the whole family. I don’t want my kids to grow up and most of their memories are doctors offices.

I feel like every time I reach out for a resource that fits the bill, my child is turned away because they just “don’t meet the criteria completely”. I hear this alot.

My son has therapy on a regular basis, but I feel that it is not really working. He has been on medication for some time now to treat his generalized anxiety, vocal ticks and ADD. He also has a little OCD.  Recently, he started middle school and that is when all hell broke loose. He gets upset easily and trying to talk to him is usually a failed attempt because of his resistance and explosive outbursts. Everytime he gets in the car with me he starts attacking me by yelling at me, calling me horrible names, and takes out his aggression on his sister which ends up in a verbal fight. I put on classical music for him after school while in the car, he has his phone in case he wants to play a game and, I try not to have conversation so it does not cause a reaction out of my son. I dread the time we spend together in the car. Never pleasant :(

Today, he took his fist and hit my dashboard inside the car as hard as he could because I told him we could not get ice cream today when he had asked me. As I started to explain why, he interrupted me and yelled at the top of his lungs. I tried to tell him we could go tomorrow and , he wasn’t having it until he calmed down an hour later. I feel he has no empathy whatsoever and now, I am getting scared that he might hit me in the near future while I am driving or I might be the story of the child who killed his parents while they were a sleep at night. My son is frustrated with me and he feels that I do not listen to him at all because he wants to yell at me when he wants me to listen to him. I always feel like I am the bad guy. I guess this is how most parents are feeling but, I feel it on a different level.

I desperately need some guidance. A support group for all of us. I don’t know if I need to do brain mapping, ABA therapy, or what.

My son plays the violin which he loves and is doing exceedingly well. He is a part of his school orchestra and a conservatory of music outside of school. My daughter is an artist and loves to sing with her school choir. My kids love to go camping which we do a lot. They both have playdates, but my son tends to want to have down time a lot which for him means, “don’t go anywhere, just stay home and play wii or watch tv”. I prefer he gets some outside activity. His Dad will take him to play basketball and I will sometimes take him to play tennis with his sister and I. He likes both of these activities.

Both of my children made Honor Roll this year on their own. No pressure from us. I don’t believe in that. I am very proud of them, but my son feels I am not always proud of him.

Any guidance you can offer would be greatly appreciated :)

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Hi Mark,

I really need someone to talk to about my 14 year old son with Aspergers and my ex-husband who I believe has Aspergers.  We also have two other children, ages 12 and 8.  We have been divorced for about 3 years but I want to reconcile, but that doesn't go over so well with someone with Aspergers (and probably most people anyway).  I am in a very, very difficult situation with my children right now and I really need someone knowledgeable about Aspergers to help me sort out some things.  I know we haven't met, but if you have any time today I would really appreciate it because this is really urgent.
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I would like to discuss with you two main things:  any experience you have with reconciliation between a couple where one partner has Aspergers, and though very difficult for anyone, how you would approach this with someone in that very rigid mindset (also, he does not know I think that he has Aspergers, but I now understand Aspergers much better and can give many reasons why I believe this is the case); second, I need help structuring a treatment plan for my 14 year old son (including my other two boys, ages 12 and 8, who have been deeply affected by this situation dealing with home life with their brother).  I want to discuss with you our current situation, what I am trying to do, and any input you may have on what I may need to include that I haven't thought of.  I realize this is a tall order, and you don't know us personally, but I want to talk with someone with your experience and just get your general opinion.  I know that there are many other people who are advocates for autism, Aspergers, etc. with a lot of knowledge, but I notice that in much of the information out there, you go in depth into the topic of marriage/living with an Aspergers partner more than most, and really advocate for that aspect of it.  You also go into a lot of depth about about dealing with defiant Aspergers kids/teens, and that understanding is very important to me as well.

There are three more things I want to mention.  First, my children's Dad does not recognize or accept that our son has Aspergers, in fact, he completely disagrees with it and believes that I am labeling our son, despite having seen certain behaviors himself and psychological assessments.  Second, he is currently trying to get full custody of the boys.  This was triggered when I started to renew efforts to get some more assessments done for our son, and our hearing is next week.  

Finally, I don't know if you are a person of faith or not, but for me, a big spiritual component has developed.  Despite all these obstacles, despite how impossible it seems, I believe God is bringing us around this mountain again.  The legal custody thing is important, but to me right now its not the biggest thing.  Its just one component of a lot of things.  I have struggled to fully get my son the help he needs over the last few years, and my other boys are at their wits end with dealing with this.  We are at a critical tipping point of either getting on the road to health--or not.  I cannot emphasize this enough.  Our home life has become so difficult that we are at a crisis level.  There is no 'win' in this custody thing either.  The only thing that is slightly better is that I will have out on the table all of the therapy and treatment that my son needs, and with me, I will pursue treatment.  If the boys go with Dad, Dad will not support treatment.  But, everyone's hurt either way.  God has put on my heart in the heaviest way the depth of what I have caused in this divorce.  It is almost unbearable to me.  But God has also placed in my heart to pray for restoration and healing of my WHOLE family, to include reconciling with Dad and facing his Aspergers, and that this situation is NOT impossible.  I believe God wants me to trust Him and pursue this.  I really hope you can help.
 
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