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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query acting out. Sort by date Show all posts

ASD Panic Attacks Disguised As Meltdowns

Your child is majorly upset over something - but is it a meltdown, shutdown, tantrum, or full-blown panic attack?

As a parent of a child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA), you know that your child is capable of having a meltdown occasionally. We’ll describe a meltdown as “an over-reaction to environmental stimuli designed to give HFA children a sense of control when they feel that their world is out-of-control.” 

Let’s also make the distinction between a meltdown and a temper tantrum. We’ll describe tantrums as “normal acting-out behaviors designed to help children assert their independence as they learn they are separate beings from their parents.”

Having defined meltdowns and tantrums, parents need to know that there are times when their “acting-out” HFA children are having neither a meltdown nor a tantrum; rather, they are in the throes of a legitimate panic attack. Let’s describe panic attacks as “periods of intense fear and apprehension that are of sudden onset and of variable duration of hours to days.” Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, may reach a peak within 10 minutes, but may continue for much longer if the child had the attack triggered by a situation from which he or she is not able to escape. 

In panic attacks that are triggered by a situation from which the HFA child desires to escape, he or she may make frantic efforts to escape, which are often violent – especially if parents attempt to contain the child. Often, the child suffering from panic attacks will experience significant “anticipatory anxiety” in situations where attacks have previously occurred (e.g., a child having a panic attack after the neighbor’s dog jumps up on him, resulting in the child fearing ALL dogs in ALL situations after the initial incident).

==> TEACHING SOCIAL SKILLS AND EMOTION MANAGEMENT

Experiencing a panic attack is one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences in a child’s life and may take days to initially recover from (unlike meltdowns, which usually only last a few minutes to a few hours). Repeated panic attacks are considered a symptom of panic disorder. 

Children with HFA are prone to anxiety, which in extreme situations can lead to panic attacks. Panic attacks are a terrifying experience where the body reacts as if it is in immense danger, in a situation where most children would not be afraid. A small number of HFA children will go on to develop panic disorder, whereby panic attacks are intense and occur frequently. If left untreated, panic disorder can be a debilitating condition, severely restricting the quality of life for the youngster.

In between attacks, the affected child often feels intense anxiety, worrying when and where the next one will strike. Panic attacks are accompanied by the unpleasant physical symptoms of anxiety (e.g., heart palpitations, hyperventilation, muscle pain, dizziness, sweating) along with the fear that the attack will lead to death or a total loss of control.

HFA children suffering from panic attacks need to be taught that the physical symptoms they experience with an attack are just extreme versions of normal bodily responses to danger. For example:
  • Pupils dilate for more acute vision, and this can cause difficulty with bright lights or vision distortion.
  • Blood is diverted away from non-essential areas including the stomach, brain and hands, resulting in digestive problems, dizziness and tingling or numbness in the hands.
  • Adrenaline being released into the blood stream causes the heart to beat faster and the breathing rate to increase in order to supply major muscles with more oxygen.
  • Sometimes it may appear that the walls are folding in, or in extreme cases, inanimate objects may appear to move.

During an attack, the affected child can become convinced that the symptoms are caused by a major health problem (e.g., heart attack, brain tumor) or that he or she is going crazy. This fear causes more adrenaline to be released. Thus, a worsening cycle can be generated.

Panic attacks can be accompanied by other conditions (e.g., depression), or they can give rise to the development of phobias. If, for example, the HFA child has a panic attack during his first day of school, and then associates panic attacks with “the classroom,” he or she may refuse to go to school. Some of these children’s lives become very restricted, and they avoid normal, everyday activities. Some may even refuse to leave the house unless they are accompanied by a parent (i.e., agoraphobia).




Treatment—

There are a number of treatments for panic attacks, with research showing cognitive behavioral therapy to be the best practice. Some parents may choose to combine a number of treatment options for their child, for example:

1. Relaxation techniques/meditation: These can be useful to reduce acute anxiety or to help the child cope during a panic attack. There are numerous books, CDs and DVDs which can help the child learn these techniques. 

2. Medication: Some of the anti-anxiety drugs are very potent and some produce severe side effects in some kids. While medication can give short term relief to the symptoms, it is important that other strategies are used as well, including counseling and learning more about the condition.

3. Diet and exercise: Physical fitness and a good balanced diet are essential for emotional well being. Many young people find that doing something physical helps reduced the “keyed up” feelings often associated with anxiety. For some children, high caffeine drinks and chocolate can act as a trigger to panic attacks, probably because caffeine can cause bodily changes (e.g.,  increase in heart rate), which can be misinterpreted as the start of a panic attack. The fear this causes can then trigger a real panic attack.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

4. Complementary therapies: Some parents report that the use of herbs, vitamins, and homeopathy have been effective with their child when either used alone or in conjunction with other treatments.

5. Cognitive behavioral therapy: CBT is very effective for treating panic attacks. It teaches affected children how to identify their anxiety and how to change anxiety-generating thoughts. The underlying belief with CBT is this: It is not so much “events” that are a cause of anxiety, but what the child “thinks” about the events.

6. Parental instruction: Teach your child to avoid fighting the panic. When experiencing a panic attack, affected children need to remember the following: It does not matter if they feel frightened, unreal or unsteady, because these feelings are just an exaggeration of normal bodily reactions. The feelings are unpleasant and frightening, but not dangerous. Teach your child to face the symptoms and not run from them. Tell your child to not add to his or her panic with scary thoughts about what is happening or where it might lead. Instruct your child to allow time to pass, and for the fear to fade away. He or she can use one or all of the following positive statements:
  • “I can be anxious and still deal with the situation.”
  • “I’ll just let my body do its thing. This will pass.” 
  • “This anxiety won’t hurt me, even if it doesn't feel good”.
  • “This feeling isn't comfortable or pleasant, but I can accept it.”

Symptoms of panic attacks include the following:
  • chest pain or discomfort
  • chills or hot flushes
  • depersonalization (i.e., being detached from oneself)
  • derealization (i.e., feelings of unreality)
  • fear of dying
  • fear of losing control or going crazy
  • feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
  • feeling of choking
  • nausea or abdominal distress
  • palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
  • paresthesias (i.e., numbness or tingling sensations)
  • sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
  • sweating
  • trembling or shaking

Many children being treated for panic attacks begin to experience “limited symptom attacks” (i.e., fewer than four bodily symptoms listed above being experienced). It is not unusual for the affected child to experience only one or two symptoms at a time (e.g., vibrations in the legs, shortness of breath, an intense wave of heat traveling up the body).

Some symptoms are sufficiently different from any normal sensation such that they clearly indicate panic disorder. Panic disorder does not require four or more symptoms listed above to all be present at the same time.

Pure “causeless” panic and the racing heart beat that panic causes are quite sufficient to indicate a panic attack. But, with proper treatment and parental-coaching/encouragement, affected children can go on to live very normal lives.

By

Problems with Proper Diagnosis: Is it Adjustment Disorder or High-Functioning Autism?

"We have a 2½ year old son with Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency and some other undiagnosed problems. When we did the routine screening at his Pedi’s office, the Pedi said he showed possible Autism and wanted us to see a behavioral specialist. When we went to see her, my sister and I showed her a couple of videos of him “blacking out” during one of his meltdowns and hurting himself.   We explained to her his sensory and tactile issues and other things we had noticed.  This was the winter of 2015 when he was just 1½.  She said “I don’t think he has Autism because he makes eye contact occasionally and has good interaction with us.  I think he is pretending and acting this way because he does not feel good and he knows if he does this he can be left alone.”  With that we left and drove the 1 hour 45 min back home.  Now he still have the same behavior and he is not only hurting himself (he just punched himself in the lip) but he is becoming aggressive towards others.  The babysitter and I say he gets an “I’m going to kill you look.”  My mom says his eyes go glassy. He is gluten and casein free because a biopsy revealed those enzymes are there but don’t work fully/properly. 

Becoming concerned I emailed the behaviorist and she emailed me back saying my son needed to see a psychologist, in which a immediately made an appointment.   Again the psychologist could not put a true diagnosis on him because he said he could not find anything about Alpha-1 and behavior problems so he didn’t know if it was related to that.  I asked him if my son could possibly have Asperger's, and he said that he could not diagnose him with that because that diagnosis has been taken out of the medical books. He ended up diagnosing him with Adjustment Disorder- nonspecific, and said he was developmentally and environmentally delayed.   I don’t know what to do and no one (even the sitter) understands him and just want to spank him and punish him all day long.  I know there are times he needs to be put in time out but my husband and I are getting frustrated."




Answer:

Re: We have a 2½ year old son with Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency and some other undiagnosed problems.

This condition definitely has an impact on both behavior and mood (i.e., there is a correlation between A1AD and acting-out, but not necessarily a causal relationship).

Re: When we did the routine screening at his Pedi’s office, the Pedi said he showed possible Autism and wanted us to see a behavioral specialist. When we went to see her, my sister and I showed her a couple of videos of him “Blacking out” during one of his meltdowns and hurting himself.   We explained to her his sensory and tactile issues and other things we had noticed.  This was the summer of 2011 when he was just 1½.

It’s hard to diagnose any child with a developmental disorder at 2½. Based solely on what I’ve read throughout your email, it does sound like High-Functioning Autism (HFA).

Re: She said “I don’t think he has Autism because he makes eye contact occasionally and has good interaction with us.  I think he is pretending and acting this way because he does not feel good and he knows if he does this he can be left alone.”

This wouldn’t be inconsistent with HFA.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Re: With that we left and drove the 1hour 45 min back home.  Now he still have the same behavior and he is not only hurting himself (he just punched himself in the lip 4/13/12) but he is becoming aggressive towards others.  The babysitter and I say he gets an “I’m going to kill you look.”  My mom says his eyes go glassy.

He acts this way because he is stressed, and he is attempting to relieve this stress through physically acting-out because he hasn’t learned to express feelings using words yet.

Re: He is gluten and casein free because a biopsy revealed those enzymes are there but don’t work fully/properly.  

Good!

Re: Becoming concerned I emailed the behaviorist and she emailed me back saying my son needed to see a psychologist, in which an immediately made an appointment.   Again the psychologist could not put a true diagnosis on him because he said he could not find anything about Alpha-1 and behavior problems so he didn’t know if it was related to that.

It’s true that there hasn’t been much research on the relationship between A1AD and behavior.

Re: I asked him if my son could possibly have Asperger’s and he said that he could diagnose him with that because that diagnosis is being taken out of the medical books.

It has not been taken out of medical books, it simply has a new name (i.e., “High-Functioning Autism,” which is the same thing as Aspergers).

Re: He ended up diagnosing him with Adjustment Disorder- nonspecific and said he was developmentally and environmentally delayed. 

Again, this wouldn’t be inconsistent with HFA. Unfortunately, you may have to wait until he is a bit older to get an accurate diagnosis. In the meantime, you can do your own detective work.

1. To start with, you'll want to narrow your focus to one particular behavior to analyze and change. Although it's tempting, don't just choose the thing that most annoys you. A better choice will be something that particularly puzzles you. For example:
  • Why can your son eat his lunch just fine some days, and balks on other days?
  • Why does he insist on punishment even when it upsets him?
  • Why does he get so wound up and wild?
  • Why is your son sweet and compliant sometimes, then resists to the point of tantrum over something inconsequential?

As long as you're going to be a detective, you might as well give yourself a good mystery. While you're stalking one behavior, you may need to let others slide, unless it's a matter of safety. Don't try to change everything all at once.

2. Next, keep a journal (or if it is a frequently occurring behavior, keep a chart) for noting every incidence of the targeted behavior. Include the time of day the behavior occurred, and what happened before, during, and after. Think of what might have happened directly before the behavior, and also earlier in the day. Think, too, of what happened directly after the behavior, and whether it offered your son any reward (even negative attention can be rewarding if the alternative is no attention at all). Ask yourself the following questions. Does the behavior tend to:

·  be more frequent during a certain time of day?
·  occur after a certain event?
·  occur during transitions?
·  occur in anticipation of something happening?
·  occur when routine is disrupted?
·  occur when something happens - or doesn't happen?
·  occur when things are very noisy or very busy?

Keep track over the course of a few weeks and look for patterns.

3. It may seem as though your son saves his worst behavior for public places, where it causes you the most embarrassment. But there may be a reason for that. Ask yourself the following question:
  • Does he have a hard time resisting touching and banging things like buttons or doors?
  • Does he have trouble in places where he needs to stay still and quiet (e.g., church)?
  • Does he resist places where children may be cruel (e.g., playground)?
  • Does he panic in places that are busy and noisy (e.g., the store)?
  • Does he shy away from places with strong smells or bright lights?
  • Is there something about any particular place that might be distressing?

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Notice reactions to different environments and add these insights to your journal or chart.

4. You can stubbornly insist that your son is responsible for his own behavior, but you're liable to be waiting a long time for the behavior changes you want to see. While you may find some behaviors annoying, disruptive, or inappropriate, it may be filling a need for your son. And even if your son is genuinely unhappy about the negative consequences of his behavior, he may not understand it enough to control it.

In the end, it is far easier for YOU to change (e.g., your expectations, actions, reactions, responses, etc.) than for your son to change. You will need to do some detective work to determine the support your son needs to improve his behavior, and provide it. Ultimately, you can teach your son to do this for himself. But you have to lead the way.

5. Take the data from your journal or chart (e.g., patterns you've discovered, observations on environments, etc.) and see if you can figure out what's behind the behavior. For example:
  • Maybe he balks at lunchtime when he sees too many food items on the plate.
  • Maybe he begs for punishment because going to “time-out” feels safer than dealing with a challenging situation.
  • Maybe he explodes over something inconsequential because he's used up all his patience weathering frustrations earlier in the day.
  • Maybe he gets wound up because “being good” gets him no attention.

Once you have a working theory, make some changes in your son's environment to make it easier for him to behave. For example:
  • Give your son lots of attention when he's being good - and none at all for bad behavior (other than just a quick and emotionless timeout).
  • Instead of being happy that your son seems to be handling frustrating situations, provide support earlier in the day so that his patience will hold out longer.
  • Recognize situations your son feels challenged by - and offer an alternative between compliance and disobedience.

You may not always guess right the first time, and not every change you try will work. Effective parents will have a big bag of tricks they can keep digging into until they find the one that works that day, that hour, that minute. But analyzing behavior and strategizing solutions will help you feel more in control of your family, and your son will feel safer and more secure. This alone often cuts down on a lot of behavioral problems.



COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… A person with higher functioning autism can make eye contact and interest to some extent. That does not rule it out. My 13 year just got his diagnosis last year because of people saying stuff like that. Yes, he made eye contact with certain people under certain circumstances. Yes, he could answer questions about himself. Yes, he wanted friends, thought he had friends. Did he actually have friends? Nope. Can he have an actual back and forth conversation about something that is not video games? Nope. Would it ever occur to him to ask about what happens in someone's life while apart from him? Nope. It is a spectrum and no one can say that just because your son made eye contact or answered questions that he isn't on it.
•    Anonymous said… Absolutely Nicky Logan. My son's Aspergers (ASD his psychiatrist has relabelled) a late diagnosis. A lot of people including the medical practitioners misunderstand autism especially about eyecontact. People with Aspergers/ASD like my son gives eye con...
•    Anonymous said… Asperger has been consumed within the Autism Spectrum Disorder in the newest edition of the DSM. Asperger has not gone anywhere- they have simply reorganized that section. I think sometimes we spend too much time trying to settle on a particular diagnosis. Keep in mind, these diagnoses are really just a definition. Most kids don't fit neatly into any diagnostic box. I wonder if we should just treat what is in front of us and not worry so much about the label?
•    Anonymous said… Don't worry so much about the diagnosis as about getting the appropriate early interventions. He needs OT to address any sensory or regulation issues-muscle tone-motor skills, psychologist to work on identifying and expressing emotions-coping skills-social skills, and speech/language therapist to work with pragmatic/reciprocal communication. Structure his days to reduce anxiety. Read what you can on meltdowns and how to de-escalate. Engage in self care and find a solid treatment team. As a psychologist, I work with children that are on the spectrum frequently and it is so difficult to watch developmental Windows close because of lack of access to services. Don't give up!!!
•    Anonymous said… Hmmmm my son has aspergers diagnosed and we have alpha 1 in our family.....very interesting. They also believe there is a link between gut health and autism....that aside, i would keep persisting if you know there is something as a parent, there is something
•    Anonymous said… I had a similar issue, my son was not diagnosed until he was 11, because he made eye contact and was very advanced verbally. And a diagnosis WAS really important for us, we got him medication and the right therapy. He's a whole new kid. Many of his behaviors have almost disappeared. See if you can get Autism services without a diagnosis. ABA therapy is a wonderful tool for kids with Autism. Don't give up, if you know something is wrong. As his parent you know more about your child. Maybe get a second opinion from an Autism specialist.
•    Anonymous said… I would add to the advice given to find a daycare or sitter that has experience with children on the autism spectrum. Do not allow the sitter to spank him and punish him all day long. He needs people who are willing to learn what he needs and try to work with him rather than pigheadedly beating a round peg into a square hole.
•    Anonymous said… Make sure u have some1 very patient & understanding caring for him when ur not there! Im shocked they won't diagnosis aspergers as my son was diagnosed with this 4 years ago! Don't give up! There's lots of people u can turn to for help & advice x
•    Anonymous said… My grandson is still waiting to be properly diagnosed ,here in NEWZEALAND they are so slow he was first seen at 2 but still waiting for the correct diagnoses and he is 8 .I fully understand the glassy eye bit almost to the point of evil its very scary ,but theses type of children prefer to be alone and god help you if you interupt sounds like asperges to me with the high function autism but he will be great when hes older its just that I believe that these children live in a totally different worrl to us that cll ourselves normal .At times I wonder if its the child that is normal and we the adult dont function right .Hang in there.
•    Anonymous said… My son is asd and makes eye contact with people and was still diagnosed
•    Anonymous said… Please consider trying a salicylate- and amine-free diet, also colours, flavours and glutamate-free. My ASD kid had behavioural issues similar to this as a toddler. I spotted an article in the paper about this diet, asked my gp and she said don't bother. But I figured it can't hurt to try for a couple of weeks. The day after starting my son calmed down significantly and life for everyone improved dramatically. If your child is already lacking enzymes in his gut this could be worth trying. The following website has all the information you need.
•    Anonymous said… Please take him to a child neurologist. They can also diagnose ASD and High Functioning Autism (Aspergers). Write down and record things you think are off to take with you. I barely had to fight for a diagnosis. My son has eye contact most of the time but still has HFA. The diagnosis is SO important to get your son the services he needs. Early intervention is key!
•    Anonymous said… Second opinion third opinion whatever it takes. Find psychologist that specializes in autism spectrum disorders. ..just don't give up. Took 4 years to get the diagnosis that I knew was correct.
•    Anonymous said… Sometimes it takes a long time to get a diagnosis, my son was diagnosed aged 10 even though I knew there were differences/frustrations from around 6 months. He was referred by everyone he came into contact with health visitors, two nursery schools, school and his doctor. But for the longest time the specialists just said challenging behaviour and not to give into him. The diagnosis when it came was high functioning autism but it was mentioned to me about PDA but some practitioners don't recognise this, but it certainly fits my son well. Hope you find someone who will help you getting to the truth. Remember parents know their children better than anyone else. Keep going xx
•    Anonymous said… Would get another opinion, insome children with autism aspergers etc. (Think there lumping it all under Autism Spectrum Disorder ,but its a spectrum so can be any were on it from low to middle to high and a whole lot more inbetween them).....They can actually have some eye contact and interaction with others deepending on the situation and the person just like they can show some empathy also etc..... sometimes some of these doctors have there preconsept ideas of just what autism should look like when infact its alot broader .......
•    Anonymous said… Thanks for a very interesting article. My main, and possibly sole, point of contention is the adult assumption that our children should comply with our instructions, simply on the basis that we're their parents (or teachers). Since different adults have different concepts of right and wrong, it stands to reason that there's no absolute definition of correct behaviour. Without any absolute to be guided by, it behoves us to allow children space to explore their own parameters rather than having everything laid out for them. This then opens up the possibility of empowering children through spoken observations and questions to develop a deeper understanding of their relationship with and their impact on other people they come into contact with, including other children. Manipulating their behaviour through punishment, reward, or sanctions and bribes of one kind or another, serves to undermine their personal and social development. What gets left behind is a compliant person - or a rebel - who is lost when confronted with new situations which can't be matched with stereotypes learnt in childhood. This person, constantly checking for approval, experiences loss of creativity and imagination in close relationships and in work situations. He or she is likely to be as flexible or inflexible as the upbringing s/he experienced, without being able to account for inconsistencies noticed by observers, defending poor decisions and resisting self-realisation and personal development throughout life. It's almost too easy - although not easy at all in the long-term - to opt for behaviour modification to suit the moment, the mood or the currently held philosophy of child-rearing. Empowerment produces deep long-term rewards and satisfaction for all concerned, but the rewards are the intangible outcome of generous trust, both in the child and in oneself as a parent. Having made these observations, I recognise that the number of physical, mental and emotional syndromes and their unprecedented proliferation in recent times, can complicate the process of raising children into adults responsible for their own attitudes and behaviour. But they can also lead us into reaching out for an expert, when the only problem is that were presented with a child-rearing experience we don't know how to handle, and we've lost the support of a community with ready access to people with natural understanding and wisdom.
•    Unknown said... hi thanks for your post. I am alpha 1 diagnosed PIZZ. I am also dyslexic and dyspraxic. My Father was, in hindsight, aspergers. He was a mechanical engineer My brother was dyslexic and unable to read or write when he left school at 16, my other brother was PIZZ and dyspraxic and my nephew is PIMZ, slightly less severe form of alpha 1, and is dyslexic, dyspraxic, OCD and has High Function Autism. So i definetley think there is a link between neuro diversity and Alpha 1. There is a little bit of research i have found that you might find useful. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22414631
•    Unknown said... Europe and the US are well behind countries such as Israel (ref Eli Lewis) in their research on the impact of A1ATD in a number of other auto-immune conditions. It is now known that it can lead to T1 diabetes, and there is evidence that it can play a role in Crohn’s, Rhematoid Arthritis and other conditions. There is also some little known research which shows that it plays a role in so called psychiatric conditions such as bi-polar and OCD. As Autism has now been mooted as a auto-immune condition, it seems to me fairly obvious that there is a relationship between A1ATD and Autism. The gene expression is due to the legacy of communities where there has been inter marriage or lack of gene diversity and/or may be a Neanderthal inheritance. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever, based on extensive reading, conversations with Eli Lewis in Israel (at the forefront of A1ATD research) and empirical evidence, that Autism and A1ATD are linked. One day the U.K. will wake up to this, but the defensive medicine practised by most doctors, and the lack of funding for advances in this area are hugely obstructive. There will come a time when the gene links are well known, when augmentation therapy is available for anyone with the deficiency, as a preventative measure, and the cost is not prohibitive. At this point there will be a breakthrough in the treatment of autoimmune conditions and Autism. Sadly, we are many years away from this I fear.
•    Unknown said... Cycling instructor is right - my daughter was A1ATD (PiZZ), T1 diabetic, possible Lupus and had Asperger’s. Doctors need to join up the dots.

Post your comment below…
By

Children on the Autism Spectrum and Emotional Dysregulation


Emotional dysregulation is a term used in the mental health community to refer to an emotional response that is poorly modulated and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response. Emotional dysregulation may be referred to as labile mood or mood swings.

Possible manifestations of emotional dysregulation include behavioral outbursts (e.g., destroying or throwing objects, aggression towards self or others, anger and rage, etc.). These variations usually occur in seconds to minutes or hours. Emotional dysregulation can lead to behavioral problems and can interfere with a child’s social interactions and relationships at home and school.

Emotional dysregulation is quite common in Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) children. In my practice, the most frequently asked question by parents is: “What do I do when my child loses control of his emotions?” When emotional dysregulation is occurring, the best reaction is to ensure the safety of all concerned. Know that this behavior is not planned, but instead is most often caused by subtle and perplexing triggers. When the behavior happens, everyone in its path feels pain – especially the Aspergers youngster.

When Your Aspergers or HFA Child Experiences Emotional Dysregulation:

1. Acknowledge your youngster’s effect on you. Many HFA kids will calm down if you acknowledge their impact — and get angrier if you don't. You might stop and say something like, "I've stopped the car (or "I am off the phone") and you have my full attention." Then, ask questions like, "What don't I understand?"

2. Avoid physical power struggles. Using your size and strength only exacerbates the problem. Imagine your youngster is feeling furious and picks up a stick. If you grab it before he has time to give it up voluntarily, he might try to hit you with it. Instead, you can avert danger and acknowledge your youngster’s power by saying, "Please put that down. You could hurt someone you love." (Obviously you would never allow someone to hurt or be hurt.)

3. Don't extend your child’s dysregulated state with too much discussion. If your youngster is feeling out of control or in a rage, a lot of talking may not help – in fact, it could prolong the problem.

4. It's natural for HFA children to sometimes have big feelings. You haven't done something wrong if your youngster has an occasional blow-up or melt-down. Moms and dads should only worry if the youngster is chronically, constantly out of control.

5. Keep breathing and stay relaxed. It's hard not to tense up when your youngster is getting out of control, but if you stay relaxed, he's more likely to follow. Sometimes we start holding our breath when things get tense. Instead, inhale, exhale and then talk through your own feelings in a clear and (if necessary) firm way.


6. Keep your own strong feelings separate from your child’s behavior. While it's often important to show your youngster what you feel, entering into his dysregulated state with your own anger will only escalate the situation. Take a breath, speak calmly, even leave the room and give yourself a time out if you need to.

7. Let the emotional dysregulation run its course as long as no one is being hurt. This is really crucial. A youngster who is filled with raw feelings may not know how to manage them. But he may feel reassured by your calmer presence. Then, you get back to the business of communicating.

8. Let your youngster express negative feelings without judging him. Imagine if every time you were upset, some bigger, taller, frowning person looked down at you and said, "Don't feel that way," or "Don't tell me that." Would you feel like calming down - or acting out?

9. Reflect your youngster’s feelings. You might say, "I can see how frustrated you are. Can you tell me what made you feel that way?" ("What" is always more important than "Why" — it asks for specifics.)

10. Seek professional help if you see a repeated, chronic pattern that you can't figure out. If your child’s destructive behavior escalates and becomes increasingly difficult to deal with, and if nothing works over a period of weeks or months, there may be an underlying issue that needs professional help. You can find a referral through a doctor, guidance counselor at your youngster’s school, a friend, neighbor, community center or place of worship.

11. Set limits that your youngster will find comforting. A limit is not a punishment. Limits may help your youngster learn how to calm himself down. Aspergers and HFA children find the “setting of limits” comforting and soothing. They need to know that you (the parent) are in control.

12. Slow down the process by saying, "I need a moment to think about this." If your youngster is starting to lose control, you can slow things down by giving feedback. You might say, "I can see you're upset. Let's talk."

13. Try not to take your youngster’s strong feelings personally. Many moms and dads feel frustrated or personally attacked if their youngster explodes at them. Don't take his strong feelings personally. “I hate you” is not actually a personal statement. What your youngster really may be saying is “I hate being out of control.”

14. Try to avoid threats in the heat of the moment. The moment you make irrational threats with punishments that do not suit the occasion, you are not talking about the topic anymore. In the heat of the moment, if you say, “If you throw that toy – I’ll ground you,” then the youngster may start to fight the grounding, and the original issue is lost.

15. Try to comfort your youngster physically. Each kid on the autism spectrum reacts to emotional dysregulation differently. Some will want to be held, others want to be left alone. If it seems right, you might try holding your youngster, if he will let you. If your child struggles ferociously, let go as long as no one will get hurt.


More resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:

By

Do Some Kids on the Autism Spectrum Have a Split Personality?

"Is it common for a child with an autism spectrum disorder to have a split personality (so to speak)? My daughter is a really good kid at school, but then a complete monster at home. Is this normal?"

The disorder is known to manifest itself differently with different children. Also, children on the autism spectrum may react differently to various situations depending on their individual personalities.

Your daughter may feel more comfortable with the familiar surroundings at home, and feel freer to act out more at home than in public, where she is surrounded by strangers and in a less familiar environment.

The stress of school may be relieved by a “meltdown” or other difficult behavior at home. This is a common occurrence. Quite a few kids with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's are saints at school, but they soak up the anguish and then squeeze it out on their family members when they get home.

HFA is treated in two ways, and both of them help manage the anxiety that accompanies this disorder. The first is cognitive psychology, and the second is prescription medication. The first thing you need to do in order to help your daughter is to find a psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in ASDs. This specialist will be able to help you and your daughter discover the reasons behind her behavioral changes.

In addition, a specialist will help you do two things:
  1. Modify the situation or the environment in which your daughter lives in order to reduce difficult behavior.
  2. Create interventions for handling her anxiety.

Please don’t be intimidated. Changes don’t have to be complex or unmanageable. The changes you need to make might just involve changing lighting to a lower level, adjusting sound levels in your home, or creating a new schedule.

If initial interventions do not help, a psychiatrist can prescribe medications which will provide your daughter with the help she needs. It’s important to note that psychotropic (mood-altering) drugs like Zoloft or Prozac can help children, but they can also cause serious problems for children. If the psychiatrist prescribes medication, ask about dosage levels and, more importantly, side effects.

Just about all drugs have side effects, and it’s important for you to know about them so you know what to expect. You know your child better than anyone else; ask yourself if she can handle side effects like nausea, hypersensitivity, or prolonged sleepiness. These are all possible, depending on the medication prescribed.

More information about ASD children doing well at school - but poorly at home - can be found here: Behavior Problems At Home - But Not At School


COMMENTS FROM PARENTS:

Anonymous said...
My oldest son is like this. I say he assimulates (sp) at school then when he hits the door at home all bets are off and he's able to breathe. Which sadly for us means it's on and it's ugly somedays!

Anonymous said...
School is structured... maybe he can cut loose at home..

Anonymous said...
Maybe he is intimidated by bigger kids at school and he is reacting at home where everything is safe and friendly. Try and get to the bottom of his school troubles as a means to calm him down.

Anonymous said...
my daughter was like that, she had to be "normal" while at school which caused her to stress out & once she was home she was able to be herself & release the stress. In her words " Mommy, you love me no matter what even if I break something"

Anonymous said...
He's also probably over-stimulated and all the tension from being so good all day is really stressing him out so he's acting out in his safe place. My son was the same way, so we send him to school in the mornings and homeschool him in the afternoons to give him more down time. It's a good balance for us but doesn't work for everyone of course.

Anonymous said...
My son has always been this way. They work so hard to hold it all together at school by the time they get home in their 'safe haven' they melt down. I'd rather it be at home than at school or elsewhere though. However, it does wear you down after awhile. I dread 3:30pm in the afternoon on school days! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...
Im havin the same trouble as soon as he leaves school it starts but they wont diagones him cus he ok in school 4 2hrs even thow his behaviour so extreme at ome we got a surport worker health vistor social worker but im gettin no were

Anonymous said...
We have similar. Oldest has diagnosis already. Middle child we are almost certain is an aspie too. But school not interested as he is a high achiever so not having detramental effect on his school work. Has recent family suituation which ment change in routine he "kicked off " worse than the oldest. Going again to gp as want referal for him. Hope they listen this time.

Anonymous said...
Its drivin me mad my son is a very high achiever 4 a 3 year old so im not gettin much luck i havnt been to gp iv gone threw health visitor do u think i sud go to gp wud i get any further?

Anonymous said...
My son as passive aspergers he's really good in school when he gets home meltdown the problem when they r good at school aspergers never picked up by the teachers my sons wasn't it was a very good freind who noticed my sons traits

Anonymous said...
ask ur gp for a common assessment framework also a ref to camhs

Anonymous said...
have u read tony attwood aspergers my consultant told me to read it

Anonymous said...
i really feel 4 u. my son is now 8 but was only diagnosed a yr ago. took me yrs of fighting, lots of exclusions from school, evn on a half day programme. they blamed my parenting!! we had all the services wiv no help 2. he used 2 c an...See More

Anonymous said...
ask the school to ref ur son to autisum team they need to know how he is at home he may be passive like my son the school never picked it up now he's 11 he's showing all the signs the signs in adam can't mix has to have rotine noise has an imaginary freind

Anonymous said...
they can't be bothered go to ur dr ask to be ref to aut consultant keep a diary over the next few months

Anonymous said...
Thank u so much 4 ur help im in a hole an cant seem to get out il get to gp monday thank u its so frustratin 4 me i need help

Anonymous said...
Iv kept a diary over 2 months they sent me on parentin courses which did not help at all they tell things to do wid him but makin is behaviour worse an he cant cope wid it bless

Anonymous said...
Thats exactly wot i had 2 do, i was fightin the system 4 4yrs, evn believd it was my 'parenting' at 1 point but my son is now in yr 3 at school n this has been his 1st full yr being full time in mainstream wivout a single exclusion!! its not jus about the diagnosis n puttin a label on your child but gettin them and u the help an support that u so need an deserve!! shudnt hav 2 b a fight :-( xx

Anonymous said...
No it sudnt b a fight im fed up of tryin to prove it as if i wantd this 4 my son i just want him to b happy an settled

Anonymous said...
Thats wot any good parent wants 4 their child n u wil get their in the end, i did and it was worth it. just dont giv in and keep going. if u need sum1 2 talk 2 then feel free 2 add me as a friend on fb, know how tough it is n 2 hav a friendly ear who knows wot u r goin thru makes al the diffrnce :-) xx

Anonymous said...
Maybe at school there's a routine, predictability & structure and maybe there's less of that at home? It was like that for us, but once we established routines for at home and stuck to them, he was better. Stay positive and good luck!

Anonymous said...
My son is 7, and for the whole of his short life I have had a huge gut feeling telling me my son is not like his siblings or other kids. I've known in my heart he has something different. He is great at school but look out at the end of the day, worst is if there was a issue. I'm now on the road to getting answers for him as he knows he is different too :-( it is hard work and I will keep fighting for him as I'm his voice. Just hard when he is not tricking all the boxes when he has assessments and is ok at school.

Anonymous said...
My grandson who is 9 is the opposite. He acts up at school and isn't to bad at home. Structure is the key, I have found. It's a never ending battle. Now that school is out, he is acting up at home again.

Anonymous said...
My son is 11 and i have only just found out that he has Aspergers, i have always known he was a bit different and have been struggling with his bad moods and difficultness at home. I also hate it how some family members think it is your parenting that causes it! It breaks my heart, as all you want is for them to be happy and settled. I am glad i found this site.

Anonymous said...
I think a lot of times our kids work so hard to hold it all together when they are out and about, and then let loose at home where they feel more safe. All the anxiety and frustration tends to get bottled up and then let out again at home.

Anonymous said...
yes. very normal. 



Most recent comments:

•    Anonymous said… article is good but this is not split personality which is a completely different diagnosis. this describes the results/effects of their situational environment
•    Anonymous said… Aspies can hold it together the whole day but then we're exhausted and need to let loose when we get home.
•    Anonymous said… Deal with this everyday , I truly think bc she tries to hold it together at school then when she comes home she relaxes in her comfort zone .
•    Anonymous said… Does anyone have a child like this who still get services in school? I really believe in OT break during the day would alleviate alot of the meltdowns we are having immediately after school and all night - but since she is doing well there they don't really want to do anything.
•    Anonymous said… Google Pathological Demand Avoidance.
•    Anonymous said… Hell ye i relate an i cant get a diagnosise cus of this so frustrating
•    Anonymous said… I am so glad I am not the only one with this problem. My son is the perfect angel at school apparently and he comes home and completely melts down over the smallest things. I too have a hard time getting his teacher to take me seriously when he acts so well behavior wise in school and academically he's ahead of his class. Only thing we get is a little bit of OT and even thats not much.
•    Anonymous said… I have the same issue with my daughter. It is not split personality. It is the fact that she comes home to decompress. She has to release the pent up frustrations of the day. We, her family, are the lucky ones that get to deal with her decompression. I am so glad that my friend Alex pointed this out to me. It made such huge sense when he did.
•    Anonymous said… I know my son does not have a split personality but this is exactly what we go through.
•    Anonymous said… I think most of us Aspie mothers go through the same thing
•    Anonymous said… I'm grateful to have her behave at school, actually. I've also tried to think of her after school meltdowns as a compliment that she's comfortable. Sounds crazy, but it's kept me from coming unhinged on several occasions. I also try to have some sort of snack or drink ready for when she gets in the car. We go home and decompress for a little while, may watch a few of HER shows. Seems to work MOST of the time.
•    Anonymous said… It's actually normal, my son has learnt that school is important and he puts so much energy and focus into school that as soon as he walks out of the classroom its on like donkey kong, I accept most of the behaviour and dont put too much pressure on him to behave at home after school he's exhausted, but I find he is better on weekends. He will eventually find a happy medium
•    Anonymous said… It's not a split personality. They just use up every speck of self-control, self-soothing, and focus at school so have none left once they get home. We dealt with this for 2 years when my aspie was in public school - since homeschooling it is no longer an issue.
•    Anonymous said… I've been dealing with the exact things Ginger and Amy described. It's hard to get services for a child who behaves well and doesn't have academic problems, even when it's obvious that her social skills make interacting with peers difficult. Just yesterday, we attended a meeting at which I was told her day services will probably be cut because she's not currently an academic or disapline problem, but oh, come back if things get worse. It's a catch-22 for parents b/c if the child does well in some areas, the problem areas won't be taken seriously!
•    Anonymous said… Keep in mind how hard it is for an Aspie to keep their behaviour "normal" in school. They are exhausted when they come home. My daughter has the same, and I always keep in mind how hard the poor thing is working on behaving like the others at school. Everyone has to be able to behave without filters or so much effort somewhere.
•    Anonymous said… Make the teachers aware that the anxiety spills over at home in the form of outbursts or meltdowns, chewing minty gum helps me daughter to keep it together at school. This is in her IEP ... Ask the doctor who diagnosed to write something to school about how your child is affected by her anxiety. Also try teaching deep breathing and when they get home just let them check out and decompress for an hour or two. They need and deserve this time to just do whatever they need to do in order to calm down... Read watch tv, play computer games, play with pets, maybe go outside and swing or spin. My daughter used to spin on swing while singing and sometimes yelling or shreiking. We all know water is often very calming for these kids, so maybe painting with watercolors or playing in the bath tub will help. And my daughter likes hugs so that pressure of a big hug can be calming as well. I know how you feel because my daughter used to come home everyday and just lose it. It's a long learning process. Stay strong. Special children are given to special parents.😇
•    Anonymous said… My now adult daughter, never formally diagnosed with Aspergers,  has all these –“split personality, fussy eater”. I was always facing the good student, and well-behaved child to my being the overbearing personality and neurotic mother diagnosis.
•    Anonymous said… My son behaves so well at school that the teachers and staff have a hard time understanding what we deal with at home. I'm glad he is well behaved at school, though. That does help... It's always comforting to hear that we are not alone
•    Anonymous said… No, its not a 'split personality.' It is merely a function of how hard she works at school, academically and socially, and has to 'release' in a safe place. She only has so much energy to deal...
•    Anonymous said… SO much so that the school thinks I'm NUTS for asking for an IEP!!!!
•    Anonymous said… This is exactly how my daughter is. Ugh... Sometimes I think the teachers at school think we are crazy!
•    Anonymous said… we experience this too and am grateful most of the time it's not the other way around
•    Anonymous said… We have sensory breaks in our Iep. But our schools just don't do them. The classroom can also do the sensory break. It's benefits everyone. I'm thinking of homeschooling. I'm tired of fighting for the simplest requests for my child. Makes me sad.
•    Anonymous said... I try to make sure my son has an hour to chill after school so that we can avoid meltdowns at home, seems to work for us! Good luck!!!!
•    Anonymous said... LOL. I have so been there!
•    Anonymous said... My daughter would be practically mute at school. She would be so stressed out but she never stepped out of line. By the time I saw her in the evenings, she didn't have much left. One little thing could be the catalyst for a major meltdown. I used to wonder why she saved it all for me then I realized that it was because she was in her safe place. Although we have become a lot better at navigating the mood swings, I definitely think that anti-anxiety meds will help her.
•    Anonymous said... Omg so normal! My son acted out at school because he knew they would baby him and had the teachers wrapped around his little finger. They didn't think he could do anything because of his autism. At home he talked more, did his chores, had no problem with changes and doing his homework. I found out when I would go to school and volunteer for parent of the day. I was shocked how he acted. I gave him the evil mom eye lol and he straightened up real fast and the teachers were shocked at what he could do and how he acted when I was around. If you can I suggest getting into the school from time to time and she how she reacts when she knows your around.
•    Anonymous said... That's a sign of an emotionally healthy child. She knows that you will love her no matter what, so you are her safe place to fall apart.
•    Anonymous said... Yep that's my ms10, mainstream schools don't get it even if they try, Aspies are individuals and Mob discipline and peer to peer communications are all fuzzed up, that's why my girl is 2 yrs behind and all the ADHD kids get the benefits.
•    Mark Hutten said… Think of it as split "comfort levels" rather than "split personality" ...make sense?
•    Anonymous said… As a non neurotypical adult I have learned to function and work in a busy, people filled environment. I love my job but the mental energy it takes to understand people and their complexities leaves me at the end of the day absolutely shattered and tired. As an adult I have found ways to help cope with 'wearing a mask' all day, but empathise strongly with these children because their reaction is often a response to the amount of concentration and energy it takes to muster bewildering situations and interactions with other people.
•    Anonymous said… As so many have already said, YES! This is my child too! He's 18 now and still saves all of his worst behavior for home. If he's had a stressful day, look out!!
•    Anonymous said… At home, she can let out her stress that she is forced to contain at school. Home is also often less structured as an environment.
•    Anonymous said… I feel like my kid holds it in at school, and then let's it go when he gets home.
•    Anonymous said… I know this story so well.
•    Anonymous said… I was the same. I was always getting in trouble at school and I was always good at home. I have Autism.
•    Anonymous said… I would also add....it's a blessing and a curse. People are often shocked when they find out about home behavior and have trouble believing it's possible. I am thankful that he's able to manage himself in public though.
•    Anonymous said… It's called passing. Passing as "neurotypical." At least that's what I know it as.
•    Anonymous said… It's not a split personality. It's having to expend so much energy containing there little selves all day long so they don't get into trouble or get picked on for being different and then when they come home they know you'll love them no matter what so they get to unwind and blow off steam. There are techniques that we got from an OT that help get some of that steam out without bouncing off the walls or tearing up your house that are really helpful. You can also look up the wilbarger brushing technique, you have to do it consistently but it does work.
•    Anonymous said… Mine used to be like that. Then they told me it's because home is "the comfort zone" with less expectations than school. Needless to say it has turned around now and some days can be hard at home. Now they say it's because there's consistancy at home and school, and all he does is testing boundaries and looking for a reason to flip out because there's nothing to flip out about. My opinion, if he has a problem at school, something might be off. Either he's being bullied, or... there's not enough consistancy and they change a lot of things all the time, or he can't handle the pressure. You might want to take a Closer look. Those were the big problems my son had at school. Good luck xxx
•    Anonymous said… My daughter is the same. So much so.. that the school disagrees that she has aspergers x
•    Anonymous said… My kid is opposite....difficult and school and not as difficult at home.
•    Anonymous said… My son has Adhd and he is the same way.
•    Anonymous said… My son is completely like this. We're at the screening stage with CAMHS and as he's so different at school compared to home they're saying he can't have anything so can't refer him onto a paediatrician or psychologist. I'll not be letting it lie though!
•    Anonymous said… My son is the same... his teachers are flabbergasted to find out how hard things are at home.
•    Anonymous said… Poor kid is trying so hard to be "neurotypical" all day that a meltdown at home is the way they release everything they've been holding in. Sometimes immediately handing them a weighted blanket and other comfort objects the second they get home can help. Or, my son used to burn some of it off lifting weights so a physical activity might help.
•    Anonymous said… Psychologist told me he's putting on a front basically all day in school and is completely drained when he gets home so can act out or just cut himself off on his own for the evening, that's why school thinks there's nothing wrong he's gone under the radar for years because he dosent cause any trouble and his grades are OK
•    Anonymous said… Totally relate to this. Now, with a couple years of regular and ABA therapy it slowly can get better. Just today, my 13 year old apologized for screaming at me about cookies. After my initial shock, I thanked her for apologizing and told her I loved her and was proud of her for realizing and being brave enough to admit her mistake. It was a GIANT leap of progress for her. Hang in there ASD parents!
•    Anonymous said… Totally! My daughter's teacher says she can't see anything wrong with her, yet her play therapy worker at school can see her issues. X
•    Anonymous said… We had our son assessed a year ago by Cornwall ASDAT they said as he didn't tick all the 'criteria' he would receive no diagnosis. We have been struggling with at times severe behaviour for years. We waited 4 years for an assessment!!! Now have had to fight to get on Camhs list (over a year long). I am thinking of making a formal complaint. Someone told me to look into Pals... A liason service for the NHS.. Maybe of use to you?
•    Anonymous said… What others have said. Because they have used so much energy in trying to function in a school environment. When they get home, where they are comfortable, that release all that built up tension! My Mr 7, is extremely disregulated after school most days, it is exhausting!!!!!
•    Anonymous said… Yes my daughter has no problems at school but different child when she comes home
•    Anonymous said… Yes this is normal, we used to call it " Brace! Brace! Brace! For impact!" as the front door opened, he's 19 now he's not in school or employment but we are getting there. Good luck xx
•    Anonymous said… Yes! It's like Jeckle and Hyde! They fake it all day and when they get home they're in a safe place, so they explode as all the anxiety and sensory overload comes out.

Post your comment below…
By

Hitting, Biting and Kicking: How to Stop Aggressive Behavior in Aspergers Children


"Our 5 y.o. son with Aspergers [high functioning] can be very aggressive when he's frustrated. He's not beyond attacking whoever is the closest to him at the time, especially his playmates and siblings. He will push, spit, hit, kick ...and it's uncontrollable once his anger reaches that level. Any suggestions?!"

Few situations are more difficult to deal with than having a youngster who is aggressive toward other kids. It can be embarrassing as well as frightening when your Aspergers (high functioning autistic) youngster bites, hits, scratches or kicks to get his or her way. It’s not uncommon for younger Aspergers kids to engage in this type of behavior at various points in their development and in a variety of settings.

However, when it becomes very frequent or seems to be their consistent way of reacting to something they don’t like, it’s time to step in and help them change their behavior. The first step is understanding the underlying reasons why your Aspergers youngster is choosing to act out this way. The more you understand what’s happening, the better you’ll be able to help them find other, non-aggressive ways to solve their problems.

Initially, between the ages of 18 months to 2 years, Aspergers kids find it extremely hard to communicate their needs to their moms & dads, caregivers, and other kids. Negative behaviors are one way they may choose to get their point across. For older Aspergers kids between the ages of three and six, such behaviors may be the result of never having learned appropriate, non-aggressive ways of communicating when they were faced with a difficult situation. The cause of aggressive behaviors may be due to any or all of the following:
  • Being placed in a stressful situation
  • Exhaustion
  • Extreme frustration or anger
  • Inadequate speech development
  • Lack of adult supervision
  • Lack of routine
  • Mirroring the aggressive behaviors of other kids around them
  • Over-stimulation
  • Self-defense

One place to begin is to watch your youngster for cues to see if any of the situations described above brings about aggressive behavior. Learning as much as you can about the factors that trigger bad behavior is the best way to combat it when it occurs next time. Some questions you should ask yourself:

• How is his aggressiveness expressed? Is it through angry words or through angry behaviors? Does he become verbally aggressive first and then physically aggressive, or is his first response to strike out and hit?

• What seems to cause your youngster to act out in an aggressive fashion? Is it triggered by frustration, anger, or excitement? Notice if there are patterns. Does he act this way when toys are involved, and he’s frustrated about sharing? Or does he become aggressive when there is too much going on and he’s over-stimulated? If you observe the situations carefully, you will likely notice patterns.

• Who does my youngster hit, bite or kick? Does he do it to one friend in particular? Does he only do it to me? Or does he tend to be aggressive with whomever he is with? If it’s one person in particular, try to find out if there’s a reason why he’s attacking that youngster such as engaging in overly aggressive play, a poor match of temperaments or a lack of clear cut rules before play begins.

By answering these questions, you are on your way to successfully limiting your youngster’s aggressive behavior in the future. In this article, I’ll outline some ways that you can help your youngster become more aware of his aggressive feelings and teach him to calm himself down, or find alternative ways to solve his problems. We’ll also talk about giving consequences to kids when they do lash out and hurt someone. In my experience, consequences are imperative to ending aggressive behavior in young kids.

They teach your youngster that all behaviors have a consequence, whether good or bad, and will help him make better choices in the future when he is with his friends. Once you’ve narrowed down the reasons why your youngster is behaving aggressively, it’s time to intervene.

Step in and Stop it immediately—

At the first sign that your youngster is about to become aggressive, immediately step in and remove him from the situation. Be careful not to give too much attention to your youngster so that you do not give any negative reinforcement for the bad behavior. Too much attention can include trying to “talk through” the problem.

Young kids are not able to hear long explanations of why their behavior was offensive. A simple yet firm statement such as, “We don’t bite” should suffice while you turn your attention to the victim. Other examples of too much attention include yelling at your youngster while attending to the victim, forcing your youngster to apologize immediately or continuing to talk to the other moms & dads around you about how embarrassed or angry you are.

Make a point of consoling the victim and ignoring the aggressor. If your youngster cannot calm down, remove him or her from the situation without getting angry yourself. When they are calm and ready to talk, you can discuss what happened. If it’s physically impossible to remove your youngster, you will have to remove yourself and the victim from the situation.

By walking an age-appropriate distance away from your youngster after he has acted out, you are sending the message that you will attend to him when he can calm down. In doing so, you are teaching your youngster that it is his responsibility to learn to calm himself and act appropriately.

Lower Your Voice, Don’t Raise It—

As moms & dads, we need to show self-control and use gentle words if we want our kids to do the same. It’s easy to respond with yelling or anger, but remember, your youngster is looking to you for cues on how to control his impulses and have good behavior. While it can be terribly embarrassing to have a youngster that continues to act out towards their friends, keep in mind that their negative behavior is most likely happening because they are still navigating their way through their social circles. This can be very difficult for some kids, so try not to over-react or personalize it.

One technique that works very well for some kids is to change the tone and volume of your voice. You can help your youngster stay calm by immediately lowering your voice when attending to the victim as well as to your youngster. If he is unable to calm down, before helping the victim, turn to him and say quietly, “I need you to calm down now. I am going to help Josh and when I am done I want you to be done screaming.”

For some kids this will work, and when your youngster returns to you, calm and collected, feel free to quietly praise him, saying, “Thank you for calming yourself down. We don’t bite. It hurt Josh and he is sad.” Repeat the phrase “We don’t bite” and inform your youngster that if it happens again, the consequence is that you will leave.

If this does not work for your youngster and he simply cannot calm down, leave him where he is (again, at an age-appropriate distance) and ignore the tantrum. Most young kids will not continue to act out if they no longer have an audience.

Practice Ways to De-fuse your Aspergers Child’s Anger—

For younger kids, help them recognize their anger by stating, “I know you're mad, but we don’t hit. No hitting!” For kids aged 3-7, talk about anger as an important feeling. You can practice ways to de-fuse your youngster's anger during calmer moments. You can say, “Sometimes I get angry too. When that happens, I say ‘I’m angry’ and I leave the room.”

You can also teach your youngster how to count to ten until he is less angry, how to do deep breathing in order to calm down, or how to use his words by making statements such as “I am really, really angry right now!” All of these methods help take the immediate focus off of your youngster’s anger and teach them to recognize this important emotion.

Before you enter into a potentially difficult social situation, review the consequences with your youngster about what will happen if he cannot control his anger. Tell your youngster, “I feel you can handle your anger, but if you can’t, we will have to leave the park and not come back until next week. Do you understand?” Make certain that you follow through with whatever consequences you pose to your youngster.

Teach Aspergers Kids that Aggression is wrong—

It’s also important to talk to your kids about aggression during a calm moment. In a steady voice, explain to your youngster that hitting, biting, kicking, and other aggressive behaviors are wrong. For younger kids, those between 18 months and 2 years, keep it simple. Hold them and explain, “No hitting. It is wrong.”

Remember that you may have to repeat this rule numerous times, using the same words, until your youngster gets it. Be firm and consistent each time your youngster becomes aggressive. Have a plan in place for consequences if aggressive behavior starts.

At home, this can include a time-out chair away from the rest of the family where your youngster can stay until he can calm down. If you are away from home, pick a safe place, such as a time-out in a car seat or another place where your youngster is removed from the fun. This reinforces that you are not tolerating aggression in any form.

For older kids, those between 3 and 7, remember that they may be experimenting with cause and effect. In other words, they want to see what you will do when they act out. It’s your job to provide the consequences for the "effect" to work. Since older kids are more verbal, you can use a variety of phrases when they misbehave.

Examples include, “Biting is not OK,” or “Hitting hurts others. You need to stop.” It is okay to tell your little biter/hitter/kicker that once he misbehaves, he’s lost a privilege for the day. Consequences can include leaving a play date immediately or losing video time.

Tell Your Aspergers Child to “Use Your Words”—

Many times kids who display aggressive behaviors simply lack the communication skills necessary to help them through a stressful situation. For a young youngster, biting or hitting someone is a whole lot easier! Plus, aggressive behaviors often give kids a false sense of power over their peers.

It’s up to you to work diligently with your youngster so that he or she can practice the art of diplomacy in a tough situation. Help your youngster find their voice when they feel like acting out. By explaining and then practicing using their words, you are helping them to trade off aggressive behavior in favor of more socially acceptable behavior. Some examples are:

• Teach your youngster to say “No!” to their peers instead of acting aggressively. Too often a youngster reacts negatively to a friend or sibling instead of asserting themselves. By using the simple word “no,” you are helping your youngster to get his point across verbally, not aggressively.

• Give your youngster a series of phrases to use with their friends when they are feeling angry or frustrated. Some examples are, “No, that’s mine,” “I don’t like that!” or “Stop! That hurts.” This helps your youngster substitute words for striking out.

Before you enter a situation that you know may cause your youngster to act aggressively (i.e., a play date or daycare) remind your youngster to “Use your words.” Repeat this to your youngster throughout the course of the week when you feel they are getting frustrated.

Recognize Your Aspergers Child’s Limitations—

This means knowing when to leave a potentially volatile situation or choosing to engage your youngster in a different activity to avoid aggressive confrontations. If you know that your youngster targets a particular youngster at play group, you may have to hold off going to play group for a few weeks until he learns to control himself. Or, if certain videos, games, or activities frustrate your youngster, remove them from your daily routine to see if this has a placating effect on your youngster’s behavior.

Finally, if your youngster is exhausted, hungry, or over-stimulated, respect that and engage in low-key, slow-paced activities that will make aggression less likely. With your older, more verbal youngster, talk openly about situations that make him angry and work together to come up with solutions to help him through the problem next time.

Be Appreciative of their Efforts—

When you catch your youngster being good, be sure to praise their hard work and efforts. For instance, if you observe your kids in a power struggle over a toy that ends in them working it out peacefully with their friend, tell them how proud you are that they chose to use their words instead of resorting to aggression to get their way. Look for and continue to praise good behavior as a way to motivate your kids to do better next time.

What Not to Do—

• Do not expose your youngster to violent television or video games. Too often TV and videos portray the most violent character as the hero, which sends the message that violence is a means to an end for problem-solving. This message can easily be avoided if you are on top of their viewing habits. While TV or video violence may not affect some kids, it may greatly influence others who have a tendency to act out aggressively with their friends. By knowing your youngster’s temperament and what he or she can withstand, you are helping them on their way towards their best behavior possible.

• Do not personalize your youngster’s bad behavior. All too often moms & dads get frustrated and angry at their youngster when they are aggressive, because many times we feel that our youngster’s poor behavior is a reflection of our parenting skills. If you have an aggressive youngster, switch your focus towards helping them express themselves in a more appropriate way and follow through when an incident occurs.

• Never bite or hit back. It can be tempting to want to teach your youngster a lesson in how it feels to be the victim of aggression, but when you succumb to a childlike form of communication, you are teaching your youngster that aggression is the answer to resolving a conflict. Even though it’s difficult, try your best to maintain your composure.

When Aggression is Extreme—

While aggression can be normal in many kids, you should be aware of when your youngster’s behavior has gone beyond the scope of what is considered within the normal boundaries for their developmental level. Look for the following signs in your youngster:
  • A pattern of defiant, disobedient, or hostile behavior towards you or other authority figures such as teachers or day care providers. A pattern means behavior that is not fleeting, but is chronic and does not respond to the above interventions.
  • Acts annoyed or is chronically touchy
  • Acts spiteful or vindictive
  • Blames others
  • Constantly argues with adults
  • Deliberately engages in activities that knowingly annoy others
  • Exhibits ongoing anger
  • Loses their temper easily

It is important to recognize that all young kids may exhibit any or all of the above problems at some point during their development. However, if your youngster persistently displays these behaviors and it affects their daily functioning, such as their ability to behave at school or maintain friendships, contact your pediatrician, as it may indicate that they have other psychological problems that need attention. In this case, you will need to have your youngster evaluated by a mental health professional.

Parenting an aggressive child with Asperger Syndrome can be one of the greatest challenges you will face as you weave your way through the maze of his or her development. Even though it may seem like it at times, it’s not impossible to teach your youngster new and appropriate ways to interact with other kids and the adults around them. The key is developing a clear, uncomplicated, consistent plan and following it in a composed manner. Remember: the best example of appropriate behavior is you, and your young kiddo is watching.

==> My Aspergers Child: Help for Parents with Aggressive Aspergers Children
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