How To Date An Aspie

Question

I've been courting a man for a little over a month now, and he recently explained that he has Aspergers. The very first week we met we were constantly chatting, either online or on the telephone. Then the 2nd week he was silent, and I believed he had lost interest or found another person. Then in the 3rd week he was back to speaking with me. I figured maybe he was busy with work and that's why he had essentially dropped off the face of the earth. We have become a little closer, but then he explained that he has Aspergers, so when I asked him what it was, he sent me a link to Wikipedia.

After I told my girlfriends about Aspergers, one of them told me the story of her former mate, who was also an Aspie. She had met him on an online dating site and they hit it off nicely after which she discovered he was unfaithful to her.

I am a bit concerned of the identical thing happening. I am certainly a NT, and just learning about Aspergers. Is cheating a typical thing with Aspergers? Or was he just a butt who happened to have Aspergers and make a bad name for the affliction?

I have spoken to my guy about this, and he stays away from the subject, I am not sure if this is simply because he is guilty or possibly not understanding the way in which I am bringing it up. I am filled with the typical worries that come with beginning a brand new romantic relationship. In addition, I am researching Aspergers as I go along. Have you got any kind of advice?

Answer

Aspergers is a permanent condition, but "Aspies" are people too – and most of the same things hold true. If you just started dating this guy, give the relationship time to develop. As an Aspie, he needs his time to himself.

Aspies are likely to not take hints well because their brains are blind to this form of communication. They need to be told directly what you want them to do because they will never guess.

Gathering knowledge is deeply satisfying to a person with Aspergers, and sharing it is also a lot of fun. Thus, you may end up learning more than you ever wanted to know about that person's interests. Yet if you are intellectually curious, you will never become bored hanging out with an Aspie.

If you are serious about this guy, learn about Aspergers and how they are different interpersonally. You can't expect a relationship along normal lines. Whether you can get a suitable relationship going depends on a lot of things, and a lot of this has to do with where you score on adaptability, clear thinking, independence, knowledge, patience, strong self-confidence, and tolerance.

If you want compliments all the time, don't date a person with Aspergers. But if you want honesty at the foundation of your relationship, then Aspies are good candidates.

Respect his nature and choices and don't be demanding. Make sure you have a life going for yourself. It is unreasonable to expect a man to make your life and happiness for you. And a man with Aspergers will sure teach you that lesson.

When you begin to interact with people who have Aspergers, you may find yourself struggling to deal with their social difficulties. But if you stick with it and work on understanding how they put together the world in their minds, and encourage them to try to understand how you put together the world in your mind, you will develop a loyal friend and even romance.

Whether a person cheats depends on a lot of things, and it is just not logical to say that because a person with one characteristic (in this case Aspergers) has done something (in this case cheating), all people with that characteristic might do it. This is stereotyping.

Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… I am an aspie and my NT wife cheated on me after I told her. I've never cheated.
•    Anonymous said… I have found they tend to be more loyal. Rule are important element to some on the spectrum. If your guy is very rule oriented- won't jay walk, etc. I can say he probably won't cheat
•    Anonymous said… I have never been in that sort of relationship growing up as an aspergillosis was hard. I had little friends and only a hand full of people knew I was aspergic, as if people found out back then at least I would lose said friends in a heart beat. Now however is completly different I have a average sized group of friends who all know I am an Aspie. People with aspergillosis are very intellectual but we are also very loyal, kind and shy among other things, being an Aspie should not affect a relationship one bit, sure we get things mixed up at times but doesn't everyone.
•    Anonymous said… I'm an Aspie and I would just say that if following conventional rules of society and morality are important to you, don't continue this relationship. As an Aspie, I see things so differently than NT's and do things that get me in a lot of trouble because I don't realize the effect my actions have until afterwards. To be honest, I still don't see why people get so emotional about things but I have to smile and nod and pretend that I do just to get along.
LTR's and marriage between Aspie and NT is not something to go into blindly or undertake without serious consideration.
•    Anonymous said… In my experience, men with Aspergers are very loyal. They have such a strong sense of right and wrong, it really surprises me to read here that an Aspergers fellow cheated.
•    Anonymous said… It will depend on who or what relationships they were modeling from, my boys as all aspergers and i love letting them watch love stories/movies as they now love to by there girl friends necklaces and flowers and my son even comes n talks to me about other girls being his friend and how he doesnt want them to get the wrong idea cause his taken. So no its not typical. If ur aspie man has parents still together than his gonna put alot in to a relationship as his probably seen how hard his parents have tried all his life.
•    Anonymous said… Lord my husband won't even use a single bathroom if it a woman's. Me I will go in and take a pee that is what the lock is for
•    Anonymous said… My girlfriend told me I was an Aspie after we'd been together about a year. That was 27 years ago & I was a faithful and devoted husband with no interest in any other woman the entire time. If your relationship is strong then it's strong -- being an Aspie doesn't change that.
•    Anonymous said… Run away now

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Aspergers/HFA and Repetitive Thoughts

What about being sensitive to the tone of voice of people, and then having the conversations looping or repeating in my son's head? He said they loop through his head for hours, and he has to keep going over that portion of the conversation where the tone was too loud.

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Gaze Avoidance in Aspergers and HFA Children

I have a student with autism (high functioning) who always appears to be staring off into space. I have asked him to look me in the eye when trying to get his attention - and he will make eye contact for a split second - but then look off again. Is there some way to get through to him and help him focus?

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Noise Sensitivities [Hyperacusis] in Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Question

My son has Asperger's syndrome and is sensitive and has a meltdown if I talk or anyone else talks to loudly, because he said he doesn't like loud voices or yelling. He is 22 and can't hold down a job. His social worker raises her voice often when talking to him. He said he requested for her to talk more calmly to him because the conversations repeat in his head for hours if she talks to loud or says something in a tone that could be taken the wrong way if interpreted literally. She refused. Is that wrong? Should someone respect his wishes and talk more calmly if they know he has Asperger's and it causes him so much anxiety and hours of conversation analysis and repeating and he told them so, especially to someone like a social worker? Thanks.

Answer

You may want to consider educating your son's social worker about hyperacusis, which is a disorder characterized by oversensitivity to certain frequency ranges of sound. An individual with severe hyperacusis has trouble tolerating everyday sounds, most of which might seem unpleasantly noisy to that particular individual but not to other people. The disorder is often chronic and usually accompanied by tinnitus (i.e., ringing in the ears), but can occur in people who have little or no measurable hearing loss.

Hyperacusis can come on suddenly or gradually. It can initially affect only one ear, but generally, within a short time, the condition is almost always bilateral. It can be mild or severe. Hyperacusis is more common in children with:

• attention deficit disorder (ADD)

• autism and autistic-like behaviors

• central auditory processing disorder

• head injury

• learning disabilities

It may be developed due to injury sustained to the inner ear. There is conjecture that the efferent part (i.e., fibers that originate in the brain which serve to regulate sounds) associated with the auditory nerve (i.e., olivocochlear bundle) has been impacted. This particular theory shows that the efferent fibers from the auditory nerve are uniquely damaged, while the hair cells that permit the hearing of pure tones in an audiometric evaluation stay intact.

In cases not involving aural injury to the inner ear, hyperacusis may also be developed due to injury to the brain or the neurological system. In these instances, hyperacusis can be explained as a cerebral processing problem specific to how the brain interprets sound. In extraordinary instances, hyperacusis might be the result of a vestibular disorder. This kind of hyperacusis, called vestibular hyperacusis, is brought on by the brain perceiving particular sounds as motion input in addition to auditory input. 40% of tinnitus sufferers complain of mild hyperacusis.

A crying baby, a car with screechy brakes, turning newspaper pages, running water in the kitchen sink, a child placing dishes and silverware on the table – all are intolerable to the ears of someone with hyperacusis.

Causes-

The most typical reason for hyperacusis is over-exposure to exorbitant decibel levels (or sound pressure levels). Many people get hyperacusis abruptly by way of:

• firing a gun

• having an airbag deploy in their car

• experiencing any extremely loud sound

• head injury

• Lyme disease

• Ménière's disease

• surgery

• taking ear sensitizing drugs

• TMD (Temporomandibular joint disorder)

Others are born with sound sensitivity (Superior Canal Dehiscence Syndrome), or have experienced a history of ear infections, or come from a family that has had hearing difficulties.

Causes include, but are not restricted to:

• A vestibular disorder

• Adverse drug reaction

• Asperger syndrome

• Autism

• Bell's palsy

• Chronic ear infections

• Ear irrigation

• Facial nerve dysfunction

• MAO inhibitor discontinuation syndrome

• Ménière's disease

• Migraine

• Minor head injury

• Severe head trauma

• Superior canal dehiscence syndrome (SCDS)

• Surgery

• Tay-Sachs Disease

• Temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJ)

• Tension Myositis Syndrome

• Williams Syndrome

Symptoms-

In cochlear hyperacusis (the most common form of hyperacusis), the symptoms are ear discomfort, irritation, and general intolerance to any sounds that most individuals don't notice or consider uncomfortable. Crying spells or anxiety attacks might derive from cochlear hyperacusis. Up to 86% of hyperacusis sufferers also have tinnitus.

In vestibular hyperacusis, the sufferer may experience feelings of lightheadedness, nausea or vomiting, or perhaps a lack of balance when sounds of certain pitches are present (e.g., they may feel like they are falling, and as a result, involuntarily grimace and clutch for something to brace themselves with). The degree to which a sufferer is impacted is dependent not only on the overall severity of the person's signs and symptoms, but additionally on whether the individual can identify sounds in that frequency range at the volume in question, and also on the individual's pre-existing muscle tone and severity of startle response.

Anxiety, stress, and/or phonophobia might be present in both kinds of hyperacusis. Somebody with either type of hyperacusis might adopt avoidant behavior in order to stay away from any nerve-racking sound situations or to prevent embarrassing themselves in a social situation that may include painful sounds.

An individual struggling with hyperacusis may be shocked by really low sound levels. Daily sounds may hurt his/her ears, for example:

• chewing gum

• cooking

• dishes

• eating

• normal conversation

• ringing phones

• running water

• shutting doors

• television

• ticking clocks

The person who has hyperacusis can't simply get up and walk away from noise. Instead, the volume on the whole world seems stuck on high. In the worst case scenario, even the use of earplugs does not provide comfort, and the individual might spend his life attempting to avoid all noises and merely stay home.

Treatment-

Steroids are used to treat hyperacusis within 72 hours of the onset of the condition.

The most typical treatment for hyperacusis is retraining therapy, which uses broadband noise. Tinnitus Retraining Therapy (TRT), a treatment originally used to treat tinnitus, uses broadband noise to treat hyperacusis.

Pink noise may also be used to treat hyperacusis. By listening to broadband noise at soft levels for a disciplined period of time each day, patients can rebuild their tolerances to sound.

When looking for treatment, it is important that the doctor determine the patient's Loudness Discomfort Levels (LDL) so that hearing tests (brainstem auditory evoke response) or other diagnostic tests which involve loud noise (MRI) do not worsen the patient's tolerance to sound.

Hyperacusis makes living in this noisy world difficult and dramatically changes a person's life-style. Moving about, traveling, and communicating with others is challenging. Ear protection must be worn in areas that seem too loud. This includes earplugs, industrial earmuffs, or both if necessary.

Individuals who suspect they may have hyperacusis should seek an evaluation by an otolaryngologist (i.e., an ear, nose, and throat doctor). The initial consultation is likely to include a full audiologic evaluation (with a hearing test), a recording of medical history, and a medical evaluation by a physician. Counseling about evaluation findings and treatment options may also be provided at that time.

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==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's Children

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's Teens

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's: How to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Everything You'll Ever Need to Know About Parenting Asperger's Children

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

==> AudioBook: Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…  My daughter has just been diagnosed with Hyperacusis. It took years of me begging for help. Apparently it is very common with Asperges . It sounds like your son could have this and there is help. I would ask your doctor for a referral to your local hearing hospital.
•    Anonymous said… autistic people get over looked for jobs all the time. Oh here's an idea, and I have said this before, many times to my son and others. There is a desperate need for there to be more autistic people working in the system with autistic people! Even Professor Tony Attwood thinks it would be great if there was a service provided by autistic people for autistic people. Shame the government can't have some common sense and legislate such a thing, would solve both issues. After all, people can read all they like about something, they will never know exactly how it feels, unless they actualy experiance it. This social worker sounds like exactly the kind of person who should not be doing that kind of job. Selfish, disrespectful, ignorent, and uncaring. Ask for a different one and refuse to allow this one any where near your son. If he has said he does not like her raising her voice, and explained why, she should respect that, not simpley disregard his wishes. Sorry you and your son have to deal with this.
•    Anonymous said… Good for him for being able to explain and ask for what he needs! I'd definitely ask for another worker, she clearly doesn't "get" him...
•    Anonymous said… He can wear light ear plugs that allow him to hear at a lower tone. Some kids wear them to church because of the music and singing.
•    Anonymous said… Hey folks.....there is still such a thing as common courtesy (I think)! If ANYONE asks you to "tone it down"....do it! How rude! And unprofessional! And obnoxious! And crass!
•    Anonymous said… I hate when ppl do this to my son! It's like your voice is hurting my son's ears and tone it down already! But then they point out he talks very loudly all the time. But I ask we'll can you hear your own voice when your all alone..... Does it sound normal,high or low? They don't know or can't say, okay well the same goes for him. He can't tell if his voice is high or low, because he has sensory processing disorder and hears everything at the same level and that dial is stuck on loud. And when ppl whisper he only gets partial words or words sound different then they should, or hat sounds like Cat. So he has to work even harder to make sense of what's being sad to him. Sensory issues are a huge deal for our kids and myself included, but ppl are tend to take my word for it because I'm a adult/mom with Aspergers then if a child with Aspergers is struggling with the sensory world and saying that certain things are affecting him.
•    Anonymous said… I would talk to a supervisor and get switched to a different social worker.
•    Anonymous said… It's insane that someone wouldn't abide by the simple wish. My grandson is the same and his teachers just don't get it. Also, strangely enough, it sets him off to be whispered to. Has anyone else heard of this??
•    Anonymous said… She should not be yelling. Go above her and speak to a supervisor. Your son should be treated with respect.
•    Anonymous said… The ADA states he can "ask for an interpreter" and that's not limited to foreign languages! Time to let the Social Worker know she is in violation of the ADA! Put it in writing what has happen before, how the sw responds, why he needs to have an interpreter, what he expects the interpreter will do and how it will help him - be very clear. Next, send the social worker, her supervisor and the area/district supervisor a copy of the request letter, with a signed receipt from the post office so you can prove they got a copy. Good Luck!
•    Anonymous said… There are hearing aids that work by modulating noise that could help. Hearing aid providers almost always offer a free exam.
•    Anonymous said… There shouldn't be any need for a social worker to raise their voice to him at all. I would request someone else.

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