Aspergers Teens and Social Difficulties

The primary aspect of Aspergers (high functioning autism) that characterizes it as autistic is the problem of human connectedness. The term most commonly used to describe this core weakness of human connection is “reciprocity.” This refers to the teen’s ability to engage other people in a way that makes others feel connected or not. In social conversation with a teen with Aspergers, eye contact is often poor, fleeting, or absent. Aspergers teens may not be able to read subtle gestures and facial changes or to interpret subtleties in language such as irony or sarcasm. They do not read or respond as most people do to small changes in body posture or to gestures. They seem either distant, stiff, or in other ways unconnected.

Aspergers teens not only seem disconnected, but in some cases uninterested in being in relationships with others. They may generally have very little interest in the feelings, experiences, other human qualities, or possibilities of others and, hence, lack empathy. They do not seem to derive pleasure from engaging others, learning about them, talking with them, or sharing experiences. In the many cases where the symptoms are milder, the teenager may wish to connect with others, but simply does not know how. He may have feelings for others, but can’t seem to mobilize the demonstration of those feelings.

At first, “neurotypical” (normal) teenagers in common social contexts (such as a school football game) may see peers with Aspergers as shy and retiring, quiet, stiff, or withdrawn. As the uninitiated begin to talk with Aspergers teens, it may appear that they seem to respond robotically. They have a monotonic voice that often comes across as reminiscent of the aforementioned geeks or nerds. The initial impression is that one is dealing with an eccentric.

Aspergers teens seem to lack warmth to their more socially apt peers. There is a sense that the teen just isn’t there when he is interacting with you. He may not know what to do when someone has finished making a point. He may not know when to stop talking and may seem overly interested in his topic of conversation and not yours, unless you are equally fascinated with his areas of interest.

All too frequently, however, teens with Aspergers seem not just alien and unconnected, but preoccupied with one or two subjects, which they will talk about endlessly. They may take offense easily over unrelated trifles or become upset when others do not share their enthusiasm for a given area of interest. There is a kind of immaturity or somewhat fixed developmental delay, in which the needs, interests, feelings, perspectives, and thoughts of others just aren’t real or important to them. Intervention in teaching about the lives of others is important here.

In conversation with an Aspergers teen, you may find yourself doing most of the work in the exchange, asking most of the questions, and waiting for obvious follow-ups that don’t occur. His frequently robotic language and responses seem to suggest that others might as well be inanimate. It is not just a question of only lacking the ability to read social cues. There is an output problem, not knowing how to engage and maintain relationships with others, and most certainly an internal problem, in which social/emotional information is absent, confusing, undeveloped, and/or not valued. He may not have labels for feelings.

The teen with Aspergers may seem odd, making you uncomfortable. The simplest conversation among “neurotypical” people is kind of a naturalistic dance, a flowing interchange of cues and fitting responses. Because there really is quite a lack of tolerance in school for not being able to engage in this kind of behavior (especially with the school being the “gossip mill” that it normally is), a teenager with Aspergers soon becomes grist for that gossip mill and finds himself ostracized for vague reasons. It is difficult not to overemphasize the power of having the appearance of being a “regular person” in high school.

Many Aspergers teens have created their own support groups and chat sites where they feel valued and where their strengths are valued. Writers like Mark Hutten have spent many years explaining to the rest of us these experiences in learning, adjusting, and living shared by teens with Aspergers.

There is an excellent portrayal of a young adult with Aspergers by Josh Hartnett in the film Mozart and the Whale. In his portrayal, Hartnett appears to convincingly embody all of the characteristics and many of the challenges of an individual with Aspergers. The lead character demonstrates considerable awareness of the challenges associated with this condition and shows adaptation to the world of people with neurodevelopmental differences and the world at large.

Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

Teaching Aspergers Children To Lose Gracefully

Question

Jack is attending speech therapy and we are trying to work on games without having a meltdown. If Jack is losing or sees another person is about to beat him at the game he completely loses control and has a meltdown. We have tried random games, board games (i.e., snakes and ladders). His meltdown would last a half hour before he can get himself back into control. Do you have any suggestions? He is obsessed about winning rather than playing for fun.

Answer

My Aspergers granddaughter (Kayla) and I played games most of her life when she was younger. The one thing I decided early on was that I would not "let" her win. I wanted to teach her that there are winners – and losers. I wanted her to know that sometimes she's going to be the winner, and sometimes her opponent will win. That's life!

Some games are games of chance. So when we played, she had the same odds of winning as I did. Other games are games of skill. When we played, I didn't go easy on her. I wanted her to play her best, and if she scored more points than I did – that's great. If not, I expected her not to behave like a sore loser. Of course, that's easier said than done. Many times when she lost a game she would have a tantrum and say that she did not want to play anymore. Other times she would beg me to play "one more game", hoping that she would win the next game for sure.

So, when you play games with your Aspergers child, you will have to deal with him losing and possibly not taking it so well. Here are a few suggestions on how to teach your child to lose gracefully:

• Choose an activity that requires cooperation as well as competition (e.g., freeze tag, red rover, or duck duck goose).
• Focus on how well your child is improving in a given game and not on the fact that they lost.
• If your child is the loser, offer to play again. He still may not win, but at least he gets another chance to try.
• Make it a rule that the winner has to say "good game" to the loser.
• Play games of chance to illustrate that sometimes winning depends on luck and not skill (e.g., games like “Candyland” and “Snakes and Ladders”).
• Play games that last forever, like Monopoly, in which your child (and you) will run out of steam before anybody wins or loses.
• To make the loser feel okay about losing, agree before the game starts that the loser will get a prize. For instance, picking the dessert for dinner (so there is actually some benefit to losing). Don't do this for every game, however.

By around age 4, children have many more skills than they did when they were younger, and they know it — and therein lies the rub. They're developing a sense of what they can do and often expect a lot of themselves. When reality clashes with that sense of their ability, they can take it hard. They're in constant motion, seeking out adventure. Especially around ages 3 and 4, children are very imaginative in their play and want to believe they're capable of much more than they really are. Rather than facing the harsh reality of their own limitations, they 'pretend.'

In a game where a boy has convinced himself that he's the greatest slugger of all time, “striking out” in the middle of his fantasy can bring on a collapse of his exaggerated sense of self, leaving him confused and uncertain. Losing, then, at anything from T-ball to Go Fish, may have less to do with the game itself and more to do with the sudden unpleasant reversal of expectations and emotions, which are on a bit of a hair trigger anyway.

Expect your child to be unhappy with losing – and realize that each time he does, he is developing emotional muscles that he would not be developing otherwise.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook

Aspergers Children and "Rigidity"

One frequently observed feature of Aspergers (high functioning autism) is rigidity in thought and behavior. Rigidity seems to pervade so many areas of the lives of children with Aspergers.

Click here for the full article...

Should Aspergers children be placed in school based on their chronological or academic level?

Most children with Aspergers and High Functioning Autism are very intelligent. Highly intelligent children on the autism spectrum often developed “asynchronously” (i.e., their minds, cognitive and emotional functions are developed differently and are ahead of their physical growth). Their interests are completely different from those of their peers, and they prefer the company of adults or older children because they can relate to them in a better way.

Many children with Aspergers are not in school to socialize – they are there to learn (one of the things these children hate is other students disrupting class). So, if your Aspergers child is, for example, grade 5 chronologically but grade 7 academically – I would recommend that you place him/her with the 7th graders. 

How can you know if grade-skipping is right for your Aspergers youngster?

1. Assess how your youngster handles an unexpected challenge. If he is a perfectionist, easily frustrated, or easily becomes upset over a failure, advancing could be devastating.

2. Kids must demonstrate a desire to advance, and a commitment to learning and completing tasks.

3. If your youngster is bored at school, or doesn't do his homework because the work is too easy, that could be an indicator that grade skipping is appropriate.

4. Physical health is imperative, but not necessarily a youngster's size, which may be more of a concern for males than females. Some families are deterred by the loss of a high school athletic career.

5. Standardized testing can determine the difference between someone who is well-educated and one who is intellectually gifted. To advance successfully, some teachers indicate that kids should have a measured IQ in at least the 98th+ percentiles (IQ measurements vary depending on the test, but 125-130 is a minimum) and should already work at the average level of the desired grade placement.

6. They need to be well-adjusted emotionally (except for social difficulties that stem from inappropriate school placement), and should not be simultaneously coping with other emotional pressures (e.g., divorce in the family, moving to a different school, etc.).

Grade skipping is not perfect for everyone, and the decision should be carefully weighed in light of the "whole" youngster. But if you feel that your Aspie is a good candidate for acceleration, be assertive with your school in requesting that he or she be evaluated.

The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook