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How Parents Can Help Their Aspergers and HFA Teenagers: 25 Crucial Tips

Bottom line: Mothers and fathers of adolescents with Aspergers and high-functioning autism (HFA) face many problems that other parents don’t – and never will ...period!

Time is running out for teaching their Aspergers or HFA teen how to become an independent grown-up. As one mom stated, "There's so little time, and so much left to do." Parents with teens on the autism spectrum are getting ready to face issues like vocational training, teaching adult social skills and independent living, and providing lifetime financial support for their youngster (if needed). In the meantime, their childlike (and sometimes childish) teen is often indifferent – and even hostile – to the parent’s concerns for the future.

Once an Aspergers or HFA teen enters the teenage years, his mother/father has to use reasoning and negotiation, instead of providing direction. Like all teens, the teen on the spectrum is harder to control and less likely to listen to his parents. He may be tired of mom nagging him to “look people in the eyes,” brush his teeth, and wake up in time for school. He may hate school because he is dealing with social ostracism or academic failure there. So what is a parent to do? Can it get any more difficult for crying out loud!?
 

O.K. Take a deep breath and relax for a moment. Here are some ways that parents with Aspergers and HFA adolescents can deal effectively with some common, everyday issues:

1. Alcoholic drinks or drugs often react adversely with your youngster's prescriptions, so you have to teach your youngster about these dangers. Since most teens o the spectrum are very rule-oriented, try emphasizing that drugs and alcohol are illegal.

2. As you prepare your adolescent for the workforce, keep in mind that people with Aspergers and HA often do not understand office politics. They have problems with the basics, such as handling criticism, controlling emotions, showing up on time, and working with the public. This does not mean they cannot hold down a job. Once they master certain aspects of employment, Aspergers and HFA teens are often able to work at high levels as accountants, research scientists, computer programmers, and so forth.

3. Because of their sensitivity to textures, teens on the spectrum often wear the same clothes day in and day out. This is unacceptable in middle or high school. One idea that has worked for some moms and dads is to find an adolescent of the same age and sex as yours, and then enlist that person to help you choose clothes that will enable your youngster to blend in with other adolescents. Insist that your adolescent practice good hygiene every day.

4. Celebrate your teen’s humor, creativity, and passion.

5. Do you want to understand the Aspergers or HFA teen`s actions? Just ask yourself: What behavior would make sense if you only had 10 seconds to live?

6. Don’t argue or nag. Instead, either (a) decide that the issue is aggravating but not significant enough to warrant intervention, or (b) make an appointment with your teen to discuss the issue.

7. Forgive your teen and yourself nightly. You didn’t ask to live with the effects of the disorder any more your teen did.

8. If it is working, keep doing it. If not, do something else.

9. If the pressure on your youngster to conform is too great, if he faces constant harassment and rejection, and if your principal and teaching staff do not cooperate with you, then it may be time to find another school. The teenage years are often when many moms and dads decide it is in their youngster’s best interest to enter a special education setting. If you decide to work within a public school system, you may have to hire a lawyer to get needed services. Your youngster should have an Individual Education Plan (IEP) and accommodations for the learning disabled. This may mean placement in small classes, tutors, and special arrangements for gym and lunchtime. He should receive extra time for tests and examinations. Teach your youngster to find a "safe place" at school where he can share emotions with a trusted staff member. The safe place may be the school nurse, guidance counselor, or psychologist.

10. If your adolescent is college-bound, you have to prepare him for the experience. You can plan a trip to the campus, and show him where to buy books, where the health services are, and so forth. Teach him how to handle everyday problems such as "Where do you buy deodorant?" and "What if you oversleep and miss a class?" 
 

11. Instead of punishing wrong behavior, set a reward for the correct behavior you would rather replace it with. Rewards should be immediate, frequent, powerful, clearly defined, and consistent.

12. Keep a sense of humor!!!

13. Know that teens on the spectrum are emotionally younger than their chronological age. So if your 15-year-old is still acting like a 10-year-old, things are going as expected.

14. Know that teenagers with the disorder have only 2 “time frames”: (a) Now and (b) Now. There is no future. There is only now. The past is non-negotiable.

15. Most Aspergers and HFA teens can learn to drive, but their process may take longer because of their poor motor coordination. Once they learn a set of rules, they are likely to follow them to the letter – a trait that helps in driving. However, these teens may have trouble dealing with unexpected situations on the road. Have your youngster carry a cell phone and give him a printed card that explains the disorder. Teach him to give the card to a police officer and phone you in a crisis.

16. Most summer and part-time jobs (e.g., movie usher, fast food worker, store clerk, etc.) involve interaction with the public. This means they are not always a good fit for an adolescent with Aspergers or HFA. Some teens on the spectrum can find work in their field of special interest, or in jobs that have little interpersonal interaction. Other adolescents have spent joyful summers at camps designed for adolescents like them.

17. Negotiate, negotiate, and negotiate. Moms and dads need to model negotiation, not inflexibility. Don’t worry about losing control. The mother and/or father always gets to decide when negotiation is over and which compromise is accepted.

18. Pick your fights carefully. Is the issue at hand worth chipping away at your relationship with your teen? Can your teen really control the offending behavior at this moment?

19. Plan ahead. Give warnings before transitions. Discuss in advance what is expected, and what the results might be. Have the teen repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to.

20. The teenage years are tough enough for every adolescent – but throw Aspergers or HFA in the mix, and you got a real challenge!

21. When your teenager was little, you could arrange play dates for him. Now you have to teach him how to initiate contact with others. Teach him how to leave phone messages and arrange details of social contacts such as transportation. Encourage him to join high school clubs like chess or drama. It is not necessary to tell his peers that he has a disorder – let him do that himself. Many adolescents with Aspergers and HFA are enjoying each other's company through Internet chat rooms, forums and message boards.

22. When tempers flare, allow everyone to cool off. Problem solving can only occur during times of composure. 
 

23. You absolutely have to teach your adolescent about sex. You will not be able to "talk around" the issue. You will have to be specific and detailed about safe sex, and teach your youngster to tell you about inappropriate touching by others. Your youngster may need remedial "sex education". For example, a girl needs to understand she is too old to sit on laps or give hugs to strangers. A boy might have to learn to close toilet stall doors (and masturbate only in private).

24. You do not have a standard teen. You can view the issue as a disability, or you can view it as wonderful uniqueness – or you can view it as both! The "disability” viewpoint will help because it eliminates blame, sets reasonable expectations thereby minimizing anger, and points the way for moms and dads and educators to see themselves as "therapists" – not victims. The “wonderful uniqueness” viewpoint will help because you really are in for a special – and often quite enjoyable – experience as a parent of a child on the autism spectrum.

25. You will make it through this – you have no choice. Always keep the following ideas in the back of your mind:
  • a teen with Aspergers or HFA is still a child with thoughts and feelings – you are the adult this youngster looks to for support and guidance
  • negative behaviors usually occur because the teen is spinning out of control, not because he is evil
  • the client in “Aspergers” is the whole family
  • the teenager who needs love and understanding the most will always ask for it in the most unloving ways
  • this is hard work – and it is also hard work for your teen

Resist your impulse to strive and struggle to CHANGE your teenager …don’t strain to get desired results. Instead, enjoy the process of the work you are doing in raising him or her. The results you so desperately desire will come independently of your striving for them. Why? Because (a) you are doing a great job of parenting in spite of your opinion about your “parenting-skills” and (b) teens on the spectrum are late-bloomers. They “get it” eventually.

Take heart. Good luck. And don’t forget to take care of yourself!!!
 
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:    
 
 
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How to Respond to a Frustrated Child on the Autism Spectrum

“Any advice for helping my child (high functioning) to manage frustration over seemingly small things? Even something as minor as losing a game of checkers turns into a major riot, which in turn aggravates me to no end.”

Young people with ASD level 1, or High Functioning Autism (HFA), are easily frustrated. Living in the "typical" world can be confusing, and they need to have someone there to translate and explain every day events to them. All kids get frustrated, and all kids need to learn to manage those frustrations. As a parent, your challenge is to communicate effectively and to try not to get frustrated yourself. Here's how:

1. When something irritates you, tell your HFA youngster what you are feeling so he can learn to recognize emotions in others and label them in himself. Then talk (out loud) yourself through the frustration so that your youngster can hear your “positive spin” on the situation  (e.g., “This is really not a big deal” … “I need to calm down” … “Relax and take a few deep breaths” … “It’s okay, I can deal with this”).

2. Any time you encounter frustration while in the presence of your HFA youngster, imagine that she will replicate your exact behavior every single time she is frustrated for the rest of her life—so proceed carefully! Take care not to raise your voice too loudly, or be disrespectful to others. If you do any of these things, make sure to tell your youngster that you made a mistake behaving in that way and need to make a better choice next time.

3. Make sure that your youngster is given a few opportunities to play with other kids in situations where close adult supervision is not required. Parents should be responsible for ensuring their child’s safety, but other than that, try to let your child and his peers work out problems among themselves. When kids play independently, they learn how to deal with frustration in ways other than letting grown-ups solve their problems.

4. Do not accidentally teach your HFA youngster that expressing frustration inappropriately (e.g., screaming or hitting) is a good way to get your attention, even if it is negative attention. Ignore these behaviors if they're not causing serious harm, and give lots of positive attention for times when your youngster handles a potentially frustrating situation in a healthy manner, and point out specifically what he did effectively. 
 

5. When you see your youngster become frustrated, try not to mirror that frustration in your own voice or behaviors. Instead, focus on staying calm and talking your youngster through the situation in a gentle voice, guiding him to mirror you. Acknowledge that he is frustrated, but stress the importance of continuing to try to do something that he may find difficult.

6. Give ample attention to acceptable behaviors so that your HFA youngster learns about positive consequences as well. Use a behavior chart as a visual aid to assist her in developing awareness regarding how she handles her frustrations. Place a sticker, happy face or star onto the chart whenever she remembers to manage her reactions in a positive way. Keep track of how many stickers she has accumulated, and reward her with a special activity once she reaches a predetermined goal.

7. Keep your youngster’s world as predictable and routine as possible. If HFA kids feel confident and secure in general, they will be able to handle minor setbacks and frustrations.

8. Look for opportunities to challenge your “special needs” child. Routinely ask her to do things that are slightly beyond what she has been capable of doing in the past. Do not jump in to help her. If you see her struggling, instead of immediately helping, try to prompt her by offering hints to make the situation easier. If she is really having difficulty and does not seem to be making any progress, break the task down into small steps. If necessary, guide her through (or even do the first step for her), and then back off again. Your youngster should be hearing the following phrase over and over again: “Try it yourself first, and if you have a problem doing it, I’ll help you get started.”

9. Use your youngster’s teacher as a resource. Ask for suggestions about how the school deals with frustration in students in general, as well as for specific tips about helping your youngster. The more that you can be consistent with what the school is doing, the easier it will be for your youngster to internalize the lessons that you and the teacher are trying to teach.

10. Help your youngster learn the important skill of “delayed gratification.” Autistic kids do not yet have the brain development or experience to effectively cope when they have to wait for what they want, so parents have to give them practice developing this skill. As much as possible, have your child wait for what she wants, even if it's just for a minute or two. Talk to her about how to distract herself while she is waiting for something.

11. Every evening, review the day with your youngster to discuss how she handled various situations throughout the day. Always bring attention to the positive behaviors she displayed during the day. Reiterate the consequences that occurred in different scenarios to help her understand how her behavior affected both herself and others.

12. If your son or daughter is an adolescent, remember that all adolescents struggle with testing limits, learning to make their own decisions, and learning to function independently. All adolescents struggle with making and keeping friends, with finding success at school, and even with the development of romantic relationships. Your autistic teen may be more frustrated than a “typical” teen, but he may not have the skills to handle those frustrations. So, set appropriate limits while trying to give your teenager some leeway to function independently.




An ASD youngster can grow frustrated when an obstacle arises in his effort to achieve a goal. However, frustration can prove a valuable emotion; it can motivate the youngster to surmount the obstacle with an extra spurt of determination and initiative. Parents can use the techniques listed above to help their “special needs” children deal effectively with day-to-day frustrations.
 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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Help for Depressed, Lonely Children on the Autism Spectrum

“Is it common for children on the autism spectrum to be depressed? Lately, my teenage daughter has been quite sad much of the time for no apparent reason that any of us can identify. She does tend to be a 'loner' - but she says she prefers it that way.”

Research suggests that almost 70 percent of young people with ASD level 1, or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), suffer from depression at some point in their life. Mood disorders and anxiety disorders are very common. Also, around 30 percent of these children have ADHD. Depression and anxiety can be more difficult to detect, because their facial expressions and body language are often not as easy to read - and they may have difficulties in describing emotions.

Kids on the spectrum have difficulty verbalizing their feelings and thoughts. This can be misinterpreted by adults and can lead to the assumption that because these thoughts and feelings aren’t verbalized, that they don’t exist. Often, the opposite is true. Many have an overwhelming number of thoughts and feelings that go unexpressed. This inability to express feelings can lead to depression.

Young people with HFA often find school a challenging environment. Difficulty with social interaction can lead to a youngster feeling isolated and friendless, especially during adolescence. Those feelings of isolation and confusion can lead to depression. This can be compounded by an inability to express the feelings of depression to parents.
 

Learning to cope with depression is an important part of learning to cope with the disorder. Since depression in these "special needs" individuals is often linked to feelings of isolation and frustration with not being able to express themselves, it’s important for you to understand that while your HFA daughter doesn't necessarily express her feelings, this doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have them. 

The three best things you can do to help your daughter avoid - or beat - depression are (1) help her to identify emotions, (2) teach social skills, and (3) watch for the early warning signs of depression.

Identifying Emotions

Talk with your daughter about how she might be feeling about her social relationships with peers. Try to give her the words to use (e.g., mad, glad, sad, frustrated, etc.). By giving her these “feeling words” and trying to help her differentiate the words and identify those feelings, you can help her develop her voice while expressing her emotions. You may not be able to make her social relationships smoother for her, but you can try to get her to understand that her feelings surrounding those relationships are valid.

Talking to your daughter about emotions can be a frustrating experience for you, but the benefits will hopefully outweigh the frustrations you are dealing with. 

Teaching Social Skills

Each youngster on the spectrum has his or her own temperament. Some enjoy higher levels of social activity, while others prefer less. While this may be a preference, young people with the disorder don't have the same degree of what experts call “social competence” (i.e., the ability to get along with others) as compared to non-autistic children. Social competence must be taught. This means that it needs to be practiced and improved upon - and the youngster's mother or father must be a patient coach.

Teens on the spectrum don't need to be the most popular people in their class, but they do need good social skills. Being sociable helps them with resilience (i.e., the ability to withstand hard times). Those who are constantly rejected by peers are lonely and have lower self-esteem. When they are older, they are more likely to drop out of school and use drugs and alcohol. Moms and dads can help their teenagers learn social skills so that they are not constantly rejected or begin to bully and reject others.
 
In an ideal world, social skills include the child’s emotions, intellect, ethics, and behaviors. Emotionally she learns to manage strong feelings (e.g., anger) and show empathy for others. Her intellect is used to solve relationship conflicts and make decisions. Ethically, she develops the ability to sincerely care for others and engage in socially-responsible actions. Behaviorally, she learns specific communication skills (e.g., turn-taking, how to start a conversation, etc.). But we don’t live in an ideal world. Your daughter will need your guidance to achieve these skills.

Moms and dads can act as coaches for their youngster to develop these social skills. The child learns a lot from how his parents treat him and when he observes how they interact with others. Parents, like other coaches, will need to be creative and specific in teaching social skills. Beyond saying "You need to be better at X," good coaches teach concrete skills and then support the use of these skills across a variety of situations. The goal should be not just to teach kids to "be nice," but also to help them to advocate for themselves as well as care for others. 
 
==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Many kids experience occasional rejection, and some are often socially clumsy, insensitive, or even unkind. Signs that a youngster may need some social coaching include:
  • Acts bossy or insists on own way a lot
  • Can't seem to start or maintain a conversation 
  • Doesn't show empathy when others are hurt or rejected 
  • Has trouble losing or winning gracefully 
  • Lacks at least one or two close mutual friends 
  • Seems constantly ignored or victimized by other kids or constantly teases or annoys other kids
  • Uses a louder voice than most kids

Moms and dads can use opportunities to point out when others are using desired social skills. It might be a specific behavior of the parent, another adult, a youngster, or even a character in a book or on TV. The idea is to give kids examples and role models of people engaging in the appropriate social skill.

A parent can help the youngster substitute a specific appropriate response for a specific inappropriate one. This might mean brainstorming with the youngster about different alternative responses and then practicing one or more with the youngster. Practicing can involve mapping out actual words to say or behaviors to use, role-playing, and using the newly learned skills in real situations.

Often, kids on the autism spectrum are not eager to work on new skills, so moms and dads must reward them with praise when the new skills are practiced as a way of helping the skills become habits. This might be a specific verbal statement (e.g., "You did an awesome job of X instead of Y when you got angry at the store"), a nonverbal sign (e.g., a thumbs up), or even a treat (e.g., 10 minutes extra computer time before bed).

Without nagging, moms and dads can gently remind their youngster to use a new skill when the opportunity arises. This might be verbal (e.g., "Now might be a good time to count to ten in your head") or nonverbal (e.g.,  zipping the lips when a youngster is about to interrupt).
 Any good coach knows that patience is important, because learning new skills takes time and practice. And everyone differs in how long it takes to learn something new. Coaches often have to be creative in their teaching strategies, because HFA kids have different ways of learning. 
 
The important thing to remember is that the ability to have good social relationships is not simply about personality or in-born traits. Children and teens that get along with others have learned skills to do so, and they practice these regularly. Just like a good coach can make the difference for a budding football player, moms and dads can help their HFA kids become socially skilled.

Watching for Warning Signs

It’s also helpful for you to understand the warning signs of depression. Watch for behavioral changes that might indicate depression in your daughter. For example:
  • Does she have difficulty sleeping?
  • Has she gained or lost a significant amount of weight?
  • Has she lost interest in things that typically gave her pleasure?
  • Is she giving up on her social relationships?
  • Is she more easily frustrated?
If you notice unusual changes, speak with your daughter’s pediatrician about the possibility of depression and possible treatments.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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