Teens on the Autism Spectrum and Porn Addiction

Question

I’m an MFT in California and I have a new client who is step mom to a 16yr old boy who has Aspergers. Lots of stressors: military family, dad has been away much of past several years, and is currently deployed, step mom is authoritarian in style, having been raised in an army family. She appears willing to consider change, as she is so stressed. She says he’s ‘a good boy’ and she loves him, but the behaviors have to change.

The boy has been obsessed with porn for a couple of years now and apparently has stolen mom/dads credit cards and downloaded over $5,000.00 of online porn. They keep removing access from him, he keeps accessing more. He also takes mom and 18 yr. old sister’s underpants, and cuts the crotches out. She doesn’t think he’s wearing it – probably masturbating with them, though she hasn’t found them soiled – just cut out. They have resorted to locking their bedroom doors, and he has broken in more than once – to access mom’s credit card, and sister’s computer and panties.

Strong sexual interest at 16 is natural, some obsessive quality about it may be common with the Aspergers feature, and he doesn’t have the social skills to get a girlfriend at this time. The family understands the boy has sexual urges, and has considered making a Playboy subscription available for him. They can’t tolerate the stealing, charges to credit cards, breaking in to their rooms, and obsessive porn fixation.

I’m not an expert here – open to suggestion if you’re willing to offer.

Answer

Pornography can create a powerful biochemical “rush.” When an adolescent is subjected to an arousing image, the adrenal gland secretes epinephrine into the bloodstream, where it proceeds to the brain and locks the image in. Once this has occurred, the simple thought of the image can trigger a feeling of arousal. Many porn-addicted adults can still vividly recall the first pornographic image to which they were exposed as a kid or teen. Other body chemicals (e.g., serotonin, adrenaline, endorphins, dopamine, etc.) also are at play creating a euphoric state.

Adolescents who experience this biochemical thrill will, not surprisingly, want to experience it again. Thus, it is helpful for therapists to see pornography not as just a social issue – but as a drug, because the addictive mechanism is clearly part of the danger when adolescents habitually view pornography.

While treatment plans vary strongly by circumstance, there are some important considerations to remember for therapists who are working with Aspergers and high-functioning autistic (HFA) adolescents on this sensitive issue:

1. One of the fundamental mistakes therapists make when dealing with adolescents and pornography is to willingly or inadvertently reveal, or even attempt to impose, their own religious or moral values. Therapists must never make assumptions about values of their clients (or their families), nor try to impose personal religious or moral viewpoints, even if they feel it is in the best interest of the client. Also, it is very important to closely monitor any self-disclosure about your own sexual experiences.

2. It is helpful to gain an understanding of the client’s sexual parameters, and to help them define their boundaries if they are unsure where to draw them. A helpful tool for this is the “circle plan” in which three concentric circles are drawn representing healthy sexual behaviors (outer circle), boundary or uncertain behaviors (middle circle), and bottom-line or off-limits behavior (center circle) and helping the Aspergers adolescent define where he stands. Aiding the clients in the creation of these boundaries in a safe environment will help equip them to not have to make snap decisions about where to draw the line in sexually charged, real-life situations.

3. With pornography, therapists sometimes fail to understand the power of the compulsion Aspergers and HFA adolescents are facing, and it is not uncommon for school, religious, or private-sector therapists to advocate a simple treatment plan that is based upon willpower or moral character. Since pornography can be an addiction, these “just say no” types of approaches are likely to only create more frustration and self-defeating ideation in adolescents on the autism spectrum who do not have the willpower to stop. For such teens that can no longer control their actions, the intervention and treatment modality must recognize the problem as a full addiction, and treat it with the same consideration given to alcohol or drugs.

4. Many of these special needs adolescents who are developing compulsive pornography problems do so in agonized isolation, often believing that they are perverts and alone in their actions. It can be helpful for the professional to educate them on the prevalence of the issue while still clearly communicating the dangers so they don’t trade their isolation for an “oh well, since everyone is doing it…” idea.

5. For many adolescents who are struggling with pornography, shame is a major factor. When you first meet the client, it is not unusual for him to avoid eye contact, and be hesitant to answer questions. The practitioner should attempt to minimize shame by being supportive and nonjudgmental about the struggle.

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Best Comment:

I have a 16 year old son who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when he was about 10 years old. He has been accessing pornography in various forms for the last two years. I have restricted his access to media (he has not been allowed unsupervised internet or television activity in two years) but he consistently sneaks internet porn by taking laptops or smart phones out of family member's rooms at night when we are asleep. A year ago he ordered $180 in pay-per-view movies at which point we set password protections on the televisions. We have password protected our smart phones and computers though he finds ways to circumvent these protections (i.e. he will catch the computer before it goes into sleep mode and close the lid so that he is able to access it at night).

I am concerned that he will act on the sexual content he is obsessed with. Most recently I found he has accessed a website which had content that included teen boys having sex with family members (step-mother or mother). I am especially concerned because he seems to be fixated on his sister (14 years old). He frequently will touch her hair or in appropriately get close to her, blowing on her face or the back of her neck. I am also responsible for my 10 year old nephew who is in the foster-care system and lives with us. I am concerned that he might act out sexually on him, although he has not shown any sexual fixation on him (though he has shown hostility towards him) and the pornography he has accessed to date has been heterosexual in content.

He is under the care of a psychiatrist who has prescribed Vyvanse70 mg, Zoloft 125mg, and Intunive 4mg, as well as Seraquel 20 mg at bedtime and a booster of Adderall 10 mg in the afternoon.

My son went to pre-k in public school was home educated from kindergarten (which he repeated twice) through the first half of 3rd grade and then home educated from 5th grade (which he repeated) until this school year (8th grade). I had to make the change because he had become so oppositional with his tutor (his 26 year old sister who has a teaching degree) that she refused to teach him any longer. He would love to return to home education, but he is so oppositional this is not an option. He does not sleep well (which is why we have introduced the serequel in the last 6 weeks) and often will eat large amounts of sweets while the family sleeps (typically all the cookies or sweet cereal in a box).

I am so frustrated with the compulsive behavior, lying and porn addiction that I have often threatened to send him to live with his father. His dad is emotionally volatile (we are divorced due to his emotional abuse) and I don't really think it is in my son’s best interest to live with his father, but I don't know what to do with him. He has hit me two times in the last 8 weeks and both times I called the police. The first time the police warned him that if they were called again they would take him into custody. The second time the police took him away from our home in handcuffs and placed him in their police car while they questioned the family. They called his father to pick him up from the station rather than place him in Juvenal Detention overnight. His father picked him up and threatened to, "F---ing beat the H--- out of" him if that ever happened again.

In have initiated the help of a counselor who deals with sexual offenders as his counselor (he has only seen him twice), I have gotten him a cat so that he has a healthy outlet for his need for physical touch, and I have initiated the help of an emotionally healthy man (a longtime family friend and church member) to mentor him and give him a part-time job in landscaping (his 20 year old brother also works for this man).

I don't know what else to do for my son. I am hoping you can advise me or direct me to a treatment plan or inpatient facility that can help my son before my son violates someone. I don't want someone else's life to be damaged by my son and I don't want him to further damage his own life either.

Please post your comment below...

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==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


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The DOs and DON'Ts After the Diagnosis

If you're like many moms and dads, your world changed when you first heard the word "Aspergers" or "high functioning autism" (HFA) used to describe your youngster. And, like any good parent, your first inclination may be to learn all you can, find the best doctors, and take aggressive action to “fix” the problem. Before you launch yourself into action, though, you might want to get a quick overview of what you're letting yourself in for.

What should you do – and perhaps more importantly – what shouldn’t you do?

The DOs—

1. Do start with the basics. Literally dozens of treatments are available for Aspergers and HFA. Start with the basics (i.e., treatments that are easily available, funded, and appropriate). For most families, the basics include speech, occupational and physical therapy. For younger kids, home-based therapeutic programs are often available. Preschoolers and school-aged kids may be offered therapies through the school system.

2. Do add therapies slowly. If you decide your youngster is not getting all he needs, you may be tempted to jump into many different interventions at the same time. Of course, there are interventions that have an immediate impact for the better or worse, including some pharmaceuticals. Most treatments, however, require days, weeks or even months to really make a difference. By making changes slowly and observing your youngster's reactions, you can see what works and what doesn't.

3. Do avoid information overload. Thought you would “read up” on Aspergers in just a few days? Truth me, plenty of parents wind up spending unending weeks and months reading every website, blog and book, and attending every conference – but at the end, they're more confused than when they started. It's a good idea to inform yourself about the options, but one or two good books (see below) will give you a good gist without overloading you with 10,000 different opinions about everything from causes to treatments to adult life with Aspergers or HFA.

4. Do determine your youngster's needs. What exactly are your youngster's needs and deficits? We are talking about a spectrum disorder, which means that your youngster may have many needs – or just a few. Does your youngster have speech delays? Sensory issues? Social deficits? By asking all of these questions of your doctor and your family and local support groups, you can start to create a picture of the services your youngster might need.

5. Do limit your interaction with other parents of kids on he autism spectrum. Of course, it's a good idea to reach out and get to know other moms and dads who are in your situation, especially as you look into local therapists, schools, funding, etc. But be aware that parents with kids on the autism spectrum are often passionate about the therapists and treatments they've selected. And it's easy to get overwhelmed as parents insist that their approach is the only approach. The truth is that no one knows the best approach for your youngster. Every child with the disorder is different!

6. Do read and ask questions. A huge number of websites, books and resources are available. Select a few and dig in. Find a local support group or an online group and get involved (I recommend the “Parenting Aspergers Children - Support Group on Facebook”). Learn how other moms and dads have managed situations similar to yours.

7. Do remember that your youngster has not changed. Yesterday, your youngster was not labeled with a disorder. Today, he has been handed that label by a professional. But the label doesn't change your youngster or your love for him. All the good things you saw in your youngster yesterday are still there today. Part of your job will be to help him build on those strengths to compensate for the challenges ahead.

8. Do remember to relax. Your youngster's diagnosis is important. But, so is your own life, your other kids, your health, and your finances. It's o.k. to take a break from time to time. Only when you're at your best can you hope to give your youngster all he needs to grow, develop and enjoy life!

9. Do use your autism resources. Now that you know what your youngster needs, you need to determine whether those therapies are immediately available to you -- and if they are, how to put them in place. If you are in a rural area, you may have fewer options available than if you're in a city. Your medical insurance may cover only a fraction of the therapies you've discovered. Your school district may have specific options available. Once you know what's immediately available, you can set up a program that suits at least some of your needs.

The DON’Ts—

1. Don’t panic. For most moms and dads, a diagnosis is like a kick to the groin. You feel breathless and overwhelmed. Your world has been turned upside down. But remember that the disorder, despite its many challenges, is not a dangerous situation. There's no need to panic! You and your entire family will benefit if you can think clearly and calmly.

2. Don't assume you always know best. Moms and dads are usually good at observing, describing and understanding their kids. Parents also, of course, need to advocate for their kids in school and elsewhere. But even parents don't always know what will work for their youngster, and often a educator or therapist will discover a talent, need, ability or challenge that surprises you. In short, parental instinct is wonderful, but it has its limits. And by insisting that you always know what your youngster needs, you may limit the options available to him.

3. Don't choose treatments based solely on the scientific research. In the best of all worlds, treatments are selected on the basis of multiple independent double-blind studies. If only that were possible in the autism world! In fact, few treatments for autism spectrum disorders have been tested in this way -- and even those that have are questioned based on the quality of the research. That doesn't mean that none of the treatments are helpful. only that they haven't been fully researched. As a result, it's probably worth your time to look into several of those that seem most available and relevant to your youngster.

4. Don't choose treatments under pressure. As you enter the autism world, you will meet educators, moms and dads, doctors and therapists who are absolutely certain they know what's best for your youngster. With all the best intentions in the world, they will absolutely insist that you take your youngster to Dr. X, or start your child on this treatment or that treatment. Take notes, and do your own research. If the treatment sounds too good to be true, costs too much money, or has no research behind it, you're under no obligation to say "yes" – nor are you under any obligation to report back to the insistent professional in your life.

5. Don't forget to breathe. Despite media hype to the contrary, it is extremely unusual for a youngster to be accurately diagnosed with the disorder - and then "recover" perfect normalcy. Much of the time, though, if your youngster is receiving solid one-on-one therapy, support, and love, he will develop skills and relationships – and continue to do so throughout life. In other words, treating Aspergers or HFA isn't about rushing to a cure. Instead, it's about finding a set of supports and a way of life that will work, with tweaks and adjustments, over time. No matter how quickly you move, and no matter how much money you spend, your youngster is likely to remain autistic to some degree with all the ups and down that go with that diagnosis. So take time to enjoy your youngster, your spouse, your family, and your life. Get some fresh air. Remember that your youngster is not in danger of life or limb, and that he is still the same person you have always loved.

6. Don't obsess about the disorder. It's easy to get obsessive. In fact, it's surprisingly easy for parents (especially moms) to focus almost entirely on their youngster's problems. Unfortunately, obsession can create more problems than it solves. More than one marriage has fallen apart as the result of one spouse becoming too focused on the issues to attend to the marriage. Many households have gone broke in the attempt to provide every treatment, no matter how costly or obscure. And it's common for siblings of the "special needs" child to feel unfairly neglected by parents who seem to care only about supporting the “special needs child.”.

7. Don't overload your youngster or yourself. There is an understandable desire to see results from your efforts. And with so much emphasis on early intervention, moms and dads often want to see their kids "fixed" right away. But it's best to avoid the temptation to leap into multiple therapies with the hope that something will work. Not only will you and your youngster be exhausted, but it may be impossible to know what's really working. Remember that there really is no "window of opportunity," and your youngster will continue to learn and grow throughout his life.

8. Don't rush into action. The research says that early intervention is important. By the same token, however, these kids grow and develop over time just like everyone else. It's tempting to leap into as many therapeutic treatments as you can. But until you know what's best for your youngster, it's a good idea to take it slow.

9. Don't worry too much about the "whys" of the disorder. There are over 24 theories of what causes it (e.g., cell phones, WiFi, pitocin, mercury poisoning, older fathers, genetics, artificial dyes and sweeteners, etc.). In short, unless your youngster is actually suffering from a physical problem (e.g., food allergy, lead poisoning, etc.), worrying about the causes of the disorder will just drive you crazy.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

____________________

Do you need the advice of a professional who specializes in parenting children and teens with Autism Spectrum Disorders?  Sign-up for Online Parent Coaching today.

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