How To Have A Stress-Free Christmas

Christmas is often filled with stress. There is a lot of pressure to make Christmas perfect and fun, and to enjoy yourself while you're doing it. This is a tall order in any situation, but when you add to that the stress of having a child with special needs for whom you also want the holidays to be perfect and fun – it can often become more overwhelming than ever. 

Here are 10 tips to help you have a stress-free Christmas with your Aspergers or high-functioning autistic child:

1. Kids on the autism spectrum will always do better when they are not over-stimulated by the many sights, sounds, smells, and unpredictable events of the outside world. You can create an experience in your home that you normally would go out for. For example, instead of going to an evening parade with a festival of lights, you can put Christmas lights all around your house, turn off all the lights, and play Christmas music at a gentle volume. You may be concerned about depriving your youngster of a fun holiday experience, but keep in mind that when your youngster can’t digest the experience, he’s not having the fun experience you want. That’s why, if you can create a digestible version of the experience at home, your youngster can take in and enjoy the experience. By doing this, you are actually giving him more, not less.

2. Focus on a few things you know are important to make sure you have prepared around this time. Of course, some things may need modification so that it is possible to enjoy them with your youngster. For example, if there is a danger of them hurting themselves on fragile decorations, you may have to put them higher up and out of reach, or get new ones that are not so fragile. Some special foods may not be served. These modifications often bring some disappointment, but if the goal is a nice family holiday, it's important and we can adjust.

3. Holiday decorations inside the house – including bright and blinking lights, wreaths, trees, candles and stacks of presents – could be areas of concern. Parents know best what their Aspergers youngster enjoys and at what point things may become overwhelming. However, parents should not expect higher tolerance simply because it is the holiday season.

4. Holiday shopping with an Aspergers youngster may present its own set of challenges, especially when the stores are crowded and noisy. Make a list that identifies the items you’re shopping for, and do not roam the stores trying to decide what to buy. Keeping the trip short and being organized will help minimize the potential for your youngster to become overwhelmed and have a “meltdown” in the middle of a store.

5. If you are visiting family with your child, send them an email ahead of time to explain what they can do to make the visit comfortable for you and your Aspie. Explain why a group of talkative family members asking your child a bunch of questions might be problematic, or tell everyone the answer your youngster likes to hear when he asks over and over, “How fast does your car go?” Also, designate in advance a calm room or space where he can go to decompress once he begins to be overwhelmed by all of the commotion and sensory input that comprise most celebrations. Every so often, take the youngster to this room and spend some time alone with him.

6. Make the demands on yourself realistic and don't try to do so much that you feel only frustration. Make realistic lists and work on things one at a time. Looking at a whole month of this holiday season is less overwhelming if you take it in small pieces. You may also have to lower your expectations of what you can really do, but at least what you do will be less stressful and make the holidays special.

7. Most parents dread their Aspergers children behaving in a challenging way. We worry about it, we look for it, and we try to stop it as soon as it happens. Ironically, this puts all the focus on what you DON’T want from your youngster. If you don’t want him to hit, for example, focusing on getting him ‘not to hit’ actually creates more hitting. Instead celebrate your child every time he does something well. If your kid sometimes hits, cheer wildly every time he is gentle.

8. Since the holidays are a time for the whole family to enjoy together, it’s important to make siblings aware of how stressful this season can be for their brother or sister with Aspergers. Take the time to remind your other kids of their sibling’s sensory issues, communication difficulties, low frustration tolerance and likes and dislikes. Moms and dads can then share the family’s strategy for avoiding potential issues and discuss what they will do if their best efforts are unsuccessful.

9. So often, we get caught up in the trappings of the holidays – the tree, the presents, the outings that have to go exactly as planned. It’s okay to arrange fun things, but remember that these are only trimmings. They aren’t the gift, they’re just the wrapping. The gift is your special youngster. The gift is sharing hope and sweetness with loved ones. Instead of using the Christmas season as a “planning fest,” use it to see the beauty in your Aspergers kid’s uniqueness. Use it to celebrate what he can do, and use it to feel and encourage compassion for his very different way of experiencing the world.

10. We often put pressure on ourselves to make the holidays perfect, which is unrealistic. In the end, the most important thing to remember is that the holidays are a time to cherish one another and the joy of being together. Whether it’s scaling back or starting new traditions, celebrate in a way that makes the most sense for your family and is something that you, your Aspergers youngster, and the entire family will all enjoy.

==> My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums

Creating an Individualized Education Program (IEP) for Students with Asperger’s Syndrome and High Functioning Autism

Children with delayed skills or other disabilities might be eligible for special services that provide individualized education programs in public schools, free of charge to families. Understanding how to access these services can help moms and dads to be effective advocates for their Aspergers and high-functioning autistic children.

The passage of the updated version of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA 2004) made mothers/fathers of children with special needs even more crucial members of their youngster's education team. Moms and dads can now work with teachers to develop a plan — the individualized education program (IEP) — to help children succeed in school. The IEP describes the goals the team sets for a youngster during the school year, as well as any special support needed to help achieve them.

A youngster who has difficulty learning and functioning and has been identified as a special needs child is the perfect candidate for an IEP. Children struggling in school may qualify for support services, allowing them to be taught in a special way, for reasons such as:

• attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• autism spectrum disorders
• cognitive challenges
• developmental delay
• emotional disorders
• hearing impairment
• learning disabilities
• speech or language impairment
• visual impairment 

How Services Are Delivered—

In most cases, the services and goals outlined in an IEP can be provided in a standard school environment. This can be done in the regular classroom (e.g., a reading teacher helping a small group of kids who need extra assistance while the other children in the class work on reading with the regular teacher) or in a special resource room in the regular school. The resource room can serve a group of children with similar needs who are brought together for help. However, children who need intense intervention may be taught in a special school environment. These classes have fewer children per teacher, allowing for more individualized attention.

In addition, the teacher usually has specific training in helping children with special educational needs. The kids spend most of their day in a special classroom and join the regular classes for nonacademic activities (like music and gym) or in academic activities in which they don't need extra help.

Because the goal of IDEA is to ensure that each youngster is educated in the least restrictive environment possible, effort is made to help children stay in a regular classroom. However, when needs are best met in a special class, then children might be placed in one.

Referral and Evaluation—

The referral process generally begins when a teacher, mother or father, or doctor is concerned that a youngster may be having trouble in the classroom, and the teacher notifies the school counselor or psychologist. The first step is to gather specific data regarding the child's progress or academic problems. This may be done through:

• conference with moms and dads
• conference with the child
• analysis of the child's performance (e.g., attention, behavior, work completion, tests, class work, homework, etc.)
• observation of the child

This information helps school personnel determine the next step. At this point, strategies specific to the child could be used to help the youngster become more successful in school. If this doesn't work, the youngster would be tested for a specific learning disability or other impairment to help determine qualification for special services.

It's important to note, though, that the presence of a disability doesn't automatically guarantee a youngster will receive services. To be eligible, the disability must affect functioning at school.

To determine eligibility, a multidisciplinary team of professionals will evaluate the youngster based on their observations; the youngster's performance on standardized tests; and daily work such as tests, quizzes, class work, and homework.

Professionals on the Team—

The professionals on the evaluation team can include:

• physical therapist
• psychologist
• special educator
• speech therapist
• vision or hearing specialist
• occupational therapist

As a mother or father, you can decide whether to have your youngster assessed. If you choose to do so, you'll be asked to sign a permission form that will detail who is involved in the process and the types of tests they use. These tests might include measures of specific school skills, such as reading or math, as well as more general developmental skills, such as speech and language. Testing does not necessarily mean that a youngster will receive services.

Once the team members complete their individual assessments, they develop a comprehensive evaluation report (CER) that compiles their findings, offers an educational classification, and outlines the skills and support the youngster will need.

The moms and dads then have a chance to review the report before the IEP is developed. Some moms and dads will disagree with the report, and they will have the opportunity to work together with the school to come up with a plan that best meets the youngster's needs.

IEP Development—

The next step is an IEP meeting at which the team and moms and dads decide what will go into the plan. In addition to the evaluation team, a regular teacher should be present to offer suggestions about how the plan can help the youngster's progress in the standard education curriculum.

At the meeting, the team will discuss your youngster's educational needs — as described in the CER — and come up with specific, measurable short-term and annual goals for each of those needs. If you attend this meeting, you can take an active role in developing the goals and determining which skills or areas will receive the most attention.

The cover page of the IEP outlines the support services your youngster will receive and how often they will be provided (e.g., occupational therapy twice a week). Support services might include special education, speech therapy, occupational or physical therapy, counseling, audiology, medical services, nursing, vision or hearing therapy, and many others.

If the team recommends several services, the amount of time they take in the youngster's school schedule can seem overwhelming. To ease that load, some services may be provided on a consultative basis. In these cases, the professional consults with the teacher to come up with strategies to help the youngster but doesn't offer any hands-on instruction. For instance, an occupational therapist may suggest accommodations for a youngster with fine-motor problems that affect handwriting, and the classroom teacher would incorporate these suggestions into the handwriting lessons taught to the entire class.

Other services can be delivered right in the classroom, so the youngster's day isn't interrupted by therapy. The youngster who has difficulty with handwriting might work one on one with an occupational therapist while everyone else practices their handwriting skills. When deciding how and where services are offered, the youngster's comfort and dignity should be a top priority.

The IEP should be reviewed annually to update the goals and make sure the levels of service meet your youngster's needs. However, IEPs can be changed at any time on an as-needed basis. If you think your youngster needs more, fewer, or different services, you can request a meeting and bring the team together to discuss your concerns.

Parents’ Legal Rights—

Specific timelines ensure that the development of an IEP moves from referral to providing services as quickly as possible. Be sure to ask about this timeframe and get a copy of your parents’ rights when your youngster is referred. These guidelines (sometimes called procedural safeguards) outline your rights as a mother or father to control what happens to your youngster during each step of the process.

The parents’ rights also describe how you can proceed if you disagree with any part of the CER or the IEP — mediation and hearings both are options. You can get information about low-cost or free legal representation from the school district or, if your youngster is in Early Intervention (for children ages 3 to 5), through that program.

Attorneys and paid advocates familiar with the IEP process will provide representation if you need it. You also may invite anyone who knows or works with your youngster whose input you feel would be helpful to join the IEP team. 

Conclusion—

Moms and dads have the right to choose where their children will be educated. This choice includes public or private elementary schools and secondary schools, including religious schools. It also includes charter schools and home schools.

However, it is important to understand that the rights of kids with disabilities who are placed by their moms and dads in private elementary schools and secondary schools are not the same as those of children with disabilities who are enrolled in public schools or placed by public agencies in private schools when the public school is unable to provide a free appropriate public education (FAPE).

Two major differences that moms and dads, educators, other school staff, private school representatives, and the children need to know about are:

1. Not all children with disabilities placed by their moms and dads in private schools will receive services.
2. Kids with disabilities who are placed by their moms and dads in private schools may not get the same services they would receive in a public school.

The IEP process is complex, but it's also an effective way to address how your youngster learns and functions. If you have concerns, don't hesitate to ask questions about the evaluation findings or the goals recommended by the team. You know your youngster best and should play a central role in creating a learning plan tailored to his or her specific needs.

More resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:

==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Asperger's and HFA Children

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and HFA Teens

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's: How to Promote Self-Reliance 

==> Everything You'll Ever Need to Know About Parenting Asperger's Children

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

==> AudioBook: Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

What To Do If You Think You Have Aspergers

Question

I suspect that I have Aspergers. What course of action should I take - if any?

Answer

Because individuals with Aspergers are among the most high-functioning and able on the autistic spectrum, they are also the most likely to slip through the diagnostic net. Although many are diagnosed as kids, others reach adulthood either undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.

The key to getting an accurate diagnosis is finding a professional who has experience diagnosing children, teens and adults with Aspergers (High-Functioning Autism). A clinician whose only experience is with "low-functioning" autism may not be as helpful. Here is a list of clinicians who have experience in diagnosing Aspergers.

Grown-ups with Aspergers who seek help with challenges they face are sometimes misdiagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, or other mental illnesses. It is important that adults questioning whether or not they have Aspergers seek the services of a professional experienced in diagnosing Aspergers.

Does it matter if you get a diagnosis or not? Well, if you are functioning well and have a job, and are happy with the life you have, then there may be no reason to get a diagnosis. Conversely, if you are struggling in important areas in your life, a diagnosis can provide a framework for understanding and learning about behavioral and emotional challenges that have seemed unexplainable until now. Although challenges in sensory integration (i.e., the ability to organize sensory information for use by the brain) are not considered diagnostic criteria, most – if not all – Aspies have a sensory challenge of one kind or the other.

Some areas of difficulty where Aspergers could possibly be a factor include the following:

1. Are parties uncomfortable or overwhelming? Social events are a great way to meet people, and they can be essential for business, dating, and even marriage. But if you are uncomfortable because you are unsure of what to wear, how to start conversations, you have a hard time reading body language, then these “fun events” can be murder.

2. Do you a problem focusing on what others are saying while looking at them?

3. Do you avoid social events because you can't hear the person next to you over the hum of the crowd, or you don't like the touch of shaking people's hands or having people pat you on the back?

4. Do you have a passionate interest in a certain subject or topic? Perhaps you've been called OCD, but you think you're just very interested in one incredibly fascinating subject matter. This passionate topic could help you in other areas of your life, if only you knew how to use it.

5. Do you have a tough time making or keeping friends, and don't understand why? Or perhaps your peers are only interested in you when you're engaged in an activity or interest that you share, but you have not built a personal relationship.

6. Do you have trouble in getting and keeping a job that reflects your abilities even though your credentials look great on paper? It could be that you are very talented but don't have a clue as to how to do the sell yourself during an interview. Maybe the office politics are just something you don't get, so you are routinely passed up when it comes to promotions.

7. Has someone you are very fond of pointed out certain behaviors that drive them crazy and suggested that you might have Aspergers. Maybe there is something to their suggestion.

8. Have you ever met someone special that you wanted to get to know better, but didn't have a clue as to how to go about asking him or her out on a date?

9. If you are a college student, do you have trouble keeping up with coursework and finishing a degree? Perhaps you could use some help in getting and staying organized and planning your time.

Why you should get a diagnosis, if indeed you do have Aspergers:

1. Getting a diagnosis may help you find the strategies you need to be more successful in the areas where you are facing challenges.

2. It may help others in your life understand why you are the way you are, and respond to you differently.

3. There are Aspergers support groups out there (on-line and off-line) who can help you in many ways so you don't have to feel isolated and figure everything out for yourself.

4. There is a whole community of people who get who you are, how you think, how you feel, and that you can share experiences with.

5. You can begin the process of learning to live more adaptively with an Aspergers brain.

6. You may be eligible for service services in areas of need thanks to having a diagnosis - perhaps help with finding a job or a place to live. 

How to find out if you have Aspergers or not:

1. If you know any mothers or fathers of kids with Aspergers, ask them about the clinicians in your area familiar with Aspergers. If those clinicians can’t help you, they will hopefully refer you to someone in your area familiar with Aspergers.

2. One way to find the right person in your geographical location is to contact The Global and Regional Aspergers Partnership (GRASP), and the Autism Society of America (ASA). These organizations may have chapters in your area. If not, they can provide you with the names of professionals who would know someone to refer you to, in your geographical area.

3. Typically you need to see a clinical social worker, a licensed professional counselor, a psychologist, a psychiatrist or neuro-psychiatrist. It is important to see a professional who specializes in Aspergers, especially one who is familiar with Aspergers in grown-ups.

List of Aspergers Clinicians in the U.S.

==> The Aspergers Comprehensive Handbook