Married To An Aspie: 25 Tips For Spouses

If you are about to embark on a marriage to someone who has Aspergers (high functioning autism), there are a few things that you may need to know (some good, and some not-so-good, perhaps):

1. Although Aspies (i.e., people with Aspergers) do feel affection towards others, relationships are not a priority for them in the same way that it is for neurotypicals or NTs (i.e., individuals without Aspergers).

2. A relationship with an Aspergers partner may take on more of the characteristics of a business partnership or arrangement.

3. Although he genuinely loves his spouse, the Aspie does not know how to show this in a practical way sometimes.

4. An Aspie is often attracted to someone who shares his interests or passions, and this can form a good basis for their relationship.

5. An Aspie needs time alone. Often the best thing the NT partner can do is give her Aspie the freedom of a few hours alone while she visits friends or goes shopping.

6. An Aspie often has a particular interest or hobby. While this may border on obsessive, the NT partner would do well to show interest in it. It may even become something they can do together.

7. An NT partner needs to understand her Aspie’s background in order to work with him on their marriage. She will need patience and perseverance as well as understanding that he functions on a different emotional level to her.

8. Aspies do marry, and while NT partners can be frustrated by their lack of emotion and physical contact, their Aspergers spouses do bring strengths into the relationship. If there is open communication, the NT partner can help her Aspie to improve in areas of weakness and encourage him in the things he is naturally good at.

9. Aspies often has a specific area of weakness in marriage. They often do not feel the need to express love, and the NT partner can help them understand that this is important. Discussions about how to display affection, holding hands in public and buying small gifts can be beneficial, but don’t be surprised if the results are amusing.

10. Aspies typically mature later than NTs. As young adults, they are often emotionally immature and have poor social skills. As time passes, however, they can develop to a point where they are able to enter into a relationship with the opposite sex.

11. Because Aspies tend to talk and act differently to NTs, they commonly attract a specific type of partner. Their spouses are often caring and nurturing and have strong protective instincts. In many ways, they become a link between their Aspie and society.

12. Because the Aspie does not have the same relational needs as the NT partner, he may be unable to recognize instinctively or to meet the emotional needs of his partner. Marriages can thus form some dysfunctional relationship patterns.

13. For NTs who had normal expectations of the mutuality of marriage, there may be a sense of betrayal and a feeling of being used and trapped while in a relationship with an Aspie.

14. In marriage, the Aspie often displays great devotion to his partner and is reliable, honest and faithful.

15. In the privacy of their relationship, the NT partner may become physically and emotionally drained, working overtime to keep life on track for both of them.

16. It’s important to look at the Aspies’s motives rather than his actual behavior.

17. Lowering expectations will make the marriage more predictable and manageable, if not easier.

18. NT partners may begin to feel that they are entirely defined by the role they fill for their Aspie partner. There can be a sense that there is little mutuality, equality and justice.

19. NT partners may feel that they are daily sacrificing their own sense of self to help fulfill the priorities of the Aspie partner.

20. NT partners may resent the reality of living on terms dictated by the needs and priorities of the Aspie partner.

21. Positive traits such as faithfulness and reliability are bonuses, and the NT partner can encourage her Aspie by praising him for these.

22. Sometimes a relationship with an Aspergers partner ends up being more one of practicality and convenience for the Aspie than for the loving and meeting of emotional needs of the NT partner.

23. The Aspie can sometimes be emotionally and physically detached and become focused on a special interest to the exclusion of his partner.

24. The NT partner may unwittingly fill the role of “personal assistant” rather than being an “intimate-romantic partner.”

25. Your Aspie partner may seem to be more focused on a particular interest, project or task than on the people around them.

=>  Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

=> Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA

ASD and Impaired Humor Comprehension

Research has shown that people with ASD (high functioning autism) are impaired in humor appreciation, although anecdotal and parental reports provide some evidence to the contrary.

Flexible thinking is vital in comprehending jokes. Punch-lines in jokes are funny mostly because they are unexpected. In addition, big picture thinking is needed in understanding jokes, as it allows the listener to discern how the surprising punch line fits together with the joke body. 

As people on the spectrum often demonstrate rigid thinking, a desire for the preservation of sameness, and difficulties with big picture thinking, it seems that they have trouble perceiving and producing “normal” humor.

Research suggests that they produce and perceive humor in ways that are different from their same-age peers. They tended to prefer jokes with straightforward endings more than did peers in the control group, and their humor production was often less organized. However, research also suggests that boys with ASD both want to laugh – and to make others laugh. Thus, rather than calling this finding “impaired humor appreciation,” a better term might be “humor nonconformity.”

The ability to engage in social interaction is not one skill, but a set of skills that includes facility with language, interpreting nuances, reading facial expressions, regulating emotions, and understanding the possible motives and wishes of others. While people on the spectrum typically have average to well above average verbal cognitive abilities, they often have difficulty using language in ways that connect them to others.

Research asserts the importance of humor in developing and maintaining relationships. It has been shown to reduce social uncertainty and anxiety, increase intimacy, and allow for the safe expression of delicate issues (e.g., sexual interest).

Since “normal” humor (i.e., humor that facilitates relationships) plays such a vital role in relationships, the possibility of humor-related “abnormalities” would help explain some of the social difficulties seen with Aspies.

The difficulty of a person with ASD having an “abnormal” sense of humor is that he is less likely to draw others to himself through this “social tool.” This is especially true during adolescence, when peers ostracize those who are different. Difficulties understanding humor can create a feeling of isolation in Aspies when they are surrounded by laughing peers who got the joke. 

Also, they may become ideal targets for “emotional bullying’ (e.g., without understanding the sarcasm in a put-down, people with ASD are not likely to fight back). With decreased ability to make others laugh, autistic teens have less access to a powerful medium for facilitating relationships.

The awareness of these issues has implications for possible intervention. Parents can coach their  child on elements of humor. Humor skills can be explicitly taught with some success. By giving them these skills, they are given a more equal chance with regard to social interaction.

More resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:

==> Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums

==> Discipline for Defiant ASD Teens

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management

==> Launching Adult Children with ASD: How to Promote Self-Reliance 

==> Everything You'll Ever Need to Know About Parenting Asperger's Children

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

==> AudioBook: Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Aspergers Men and Relationship Difficulties

Question

Through my own research, and now consultation with a Master's level psychologist, I am convinced, after almost 5 years of excruciating loneliness, isolation, depression, and heartache, that my husband has Asperger's. He is a very, very smart, attractive guy who can be the kindest person I know...but he can also be unbelievably stubborn (or so I thought) and verbally/emotionally abusive. He is completely detached from me and our young daughter, and after five years of marriage, we have had sex maybe 20 times, and have not had any sexual contact (even so much as a "real" kiss) in 18 months. While this is devastating to me, my husband seems totally unaffected by it, and now I guess I understand why... he has always said that it is my problem to deal with...I'm the one that wants it, not him. With no history of depression or anything like it, the isolation and constantly being blamed for everything wrong with the marriage, and having every little thing about me picked apart daily, I spiraled into a major depression that I am just finding my way out of.

Having discovered Asperger's, I have been able to let go (with God's help) of so much of the hurt and resentment that wouldn't leave because the heartbreaking events were almost daily. I really do see my husband in a different light, and it is helping me to cope for the time being. I was always baffled by his behavior because I truly believe he is a good man, but even in describing some scenarios that have played out in our home to my counselor; he can sound like an abusive monster. I love him with all my heart, and I want nothing more than to keep my family intact, and for our daughter to experience as healthy a childhood as we can possibly provide. My main problem lies in my husband's refusal to acknowledge that anything is going on.

He has extreme sensory issues (very very very limited diet, and has told me it makes his skin crawl when I kiss him softly, etc., etc., etc.), but he insists that it couldn't be Asperger's or any other thing that can be "labeled" (his word). I tried very calmly and lovingly explaining that if he was in fact living with Asperger's, that is certainly did not mean anything was "wrong" with him...that I felt from my reading that it simply is an explanation for some of his thought processes, etc., and that most people with Aspergers are extremely bright, productive individuals. I wanted him to see it as the positive thing that I did, but he completely shut me down and got very angry. I apologized for bringing it up, and told him that I loved him and meant no disrespect at all. I already feel like he is annoyed with me and with life in general about 95% of the time, so I just wanted to get back to a peaceful situation as quickly as possible.

If he will not acknowledge the situation, how can we get help? I am so willing to walk to this road with him, but I cannot continue to walk it alone...being blamed for everything...it takes all of my emotional energy just to get from day to day...I am constantly exhausted and drained...any thoughts?

Answer

Many partners assume that emotionally unavailable "Aspies" (i.e., people with Aspergers and high-functioning autism) choose to reject intimacy because they have fallen out of love. This is not the case. Remaining emotionally-distant is rarely a choice; it's more like a case of “social-ignorance disease” (also called mindblindness) that often operates at a subconscious level.

As if being unable to healthily connect in a relationship weren’t bad enough, those who suffer from Aspergers usually want a connection the most, but don’t have the proper circuits operating in their brain to establish one.

If you’re married to an emotionally unavailable Aspie, you should always consider marriage counseling before you make the final decision of separating or getting a divorce. In counseling, when each person expresses his/her thoughts and feelings about the relationship in front of a therapist whose job it is to remain objective, new light is shed on the problems in the marriage. The Aspie may feel more inclined to present his side in a way that his partner can understand. Also, the person suffering in the relationship because of their partner’s emotional unavailability can openly discuss the pain it causes without the fear of being tuned out or dismissed.