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Kids on the Autism Spectrum Who Steal Other People's Belongings

Question

I am the dubiously proud mother of a 7-year-old girl with HFA. As with many autistics, she likes a certain sense of order in her surroundings, and will rearrange other people's belongings to accommodate her own preferences. We have spoken to her time and time again about not touching other people's things... all to no avail. Now her teacher reports she is taking things from others. This has been happening in our home rather regularly, and we have tried everything we can think of to stop or prevent the behavior, but it seems to be getting worse not better. Any help you can give me would be MUCH appreciated!

Answer

I don’t see this as an high-functioning autistic trait per say. The desire for forbidden objects overwhelms many kids, making the temptation to take them too much to resist. Your daughter probably just can't control her “desire” to have other’s belongings – but it is possible for her to control her “behavior.”

Often times, kids take things because they lack impulse control and haven't developed a strong sense of right and wrong just yet. But you should also ask yourself if there is another reason your daughter is taking things that don't belong to her (e.g., lack of attention at home, not enough friends in school, etc.).

Whatever the reason for your daughter’s behavior, it does infringe on the rights of the other kids.

As one mother stated, "My son is 13 and is still grabbing and touching other people's belongings. His hands are as busy as a toddler's only now the things that interest him are not grandma's shiny breakables, but someone else's cell phone or ipod. He will pick them up and start pushing buttons, etc. His world is "all about me" and he doesn't notice how appalled or annoyed people are with him. In a few years, I'm afraid someone will really take him to task over this. The cute factor is long gone. He also has stolen other people's belongings, if they are related to his special interest. His reasoning? 'I wanted it!' " 

Your first goal should be to stop this undesirable behavior and help your daughter to respect the belongings of others. Here are a few ideas:

1. Acknowledge her desires. It's important to validate your daughter’s feelings while also maintaining leadership and stopping the behavior. You might say, "I know you want that toy, but it's Michelle’s. You need to ask her if you can play with it." Or you might say, "You really want that doll, don't you? But it belongs here in school so the other kids can use it."

2. Anticipate and remove temptations. Make a box where kids can keep the toys they bring in, and place it out of reach.

3. Give two choices; this helps children learn decision-making skills.

4. Realize you must teach your child boundaries; children are not born with them.

5. Recognize and respect the child’s boundaries. For example, knock on their closed bedroom door instead of just walking in.

6. Review the rules. Make sure that your daughter knows that "don't take things that do not belong to you" is a school rule. Have her return the object or classroom material, but do not force her to apologize.

7. Set your own boundaries as the parent, and have consequences for crossing them.

8. Share your opinions with your child. Allow your child her opinions. Opinions are not right or wrong. This will help her think for herself.

9. Teach impulses control. Help your daughter learn to stop and think before she takes other’s stuff. Explain to her that she needs to ask herself, "Who does this belong to, and can I play with it?" Point out to her that if the item in question belongs to another youngster, she should ask the owner whether she can use it and accept the response. If she uses the object, she needs to return it when she's done.

10. When you recognize that boundaries need to be set, do it clearly, do it without anger, and use as few words as possible.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
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Dealing with Self-Stimulation Behaviors in Kids on the Autism Spectrum

"What can be done about  an autistic child (high functioning) who does things repeatedly like rocking back and forth, spinning and flipping objects, making strange vocal noises over and over again? This constant non-stop behavior can be so annoying (and embarrassing) at times."

Most of our "leisure activities" are nothing more than self-stimulation behaviors that have become highly ritualized over time and made socially acceptable. There is nothing intrinsically valuable or reasonable about leisure pursuits such as bungee jumping, playing cards, dancing, playing video games, listening to music, smoking, etc.

People participate in these different activities because they find them to be pleasurable and because the activities alter their physical state. Each activity provides us with a particular type of sensory input.

There is not necessarily a great difference in so-called self-stimulation behaviors in children with autism spectrum disorders and some of these activities, beyond the fact that some are more socially acceptable and "normal" in appearance than others. 
 

Most parents find that their child with ASD or High-Functioning Autism is more likely to participate in self-stimulatory behaviors when he or she is idle or stressed. Interacting with your child in some way may break up the self-stimulation. If the behavior appears in response to stress, finding ways to help him relax (e.g., massage, being wrapped up in a quilt, etc.) may reduce the amount of time spent in the behavior you find inappropriate or harmful. If your child is left alone; however, it is likely he/she will re-engage in this activity as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

Some behaviors may present problems because they are considered socially inappropriate. These behaviors can be used as a way to explore the child's preferred sensory channels for receiving information from the world. With this information, parents may identify preferred sensory experiences around which they can develop more "mainstream" leisure activities that their children will also come to view as "leisure" (e.g., if the youngster enjoys the visual sensation of lights, find age-appropriate toys that can be motivating to him).

Take time to observe the types of self-stimulation that your child participates in - and when this behavior occurs. Watch him or her and make notes about what you see and when you see it. Then try to see if there is any pattern to these behaviors that would give you insight to the type or types of stimulation he/she prefers and the purpose it serves.

At the same time, note what types of activities your youngster finds aversive. When you have a good understanding about his or her preferences, begin to brainstorm ways that you can offer other stimulatory activities, modify or expand on the preferred self-stimulation.

Look at children of the same age, and try to find toys or activities that may make the self-stimulatory behavior appear more "normal." Sometimes your child's favorite self-stimulation activity can be modified or expanded in a way that will make it more socially acceptable.

As one mother with Asperger's herself states, "I totally agree, it can be annoying, even embarrassing at times, but they cant help themselves. Its part of the acceptance we as parents have to do. Ive even had to go to counseling myself. My child's father was so ashamed that he left. If u really love ur child, u have to just deal with it minute by minute & second by second. I personally am blessed to have 2 adult children that are always willing to watch my son for a few hours to give me a break. Ill be praying for all the other aspergers parents out there cuz we understand all too well what that missing puzzle piece means."
 
 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
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