Aspergers Adults and Fulfilling Relationships

Question

I’m a 23-year-old male with Aspergers. I would like to date, but am having great difficulty in finding a girlfriend. I can even see myself getting married someday if I find someone I’m compatible with. Any suggestions?

Answer

Some adults with Aspergers (high functioning autism) are married or in long-term relationships. Some are not. Often times, it is only when Aspergers parents have kids that they recognize their own Aspergers traits. Also, Aspergers adults tend to have “alternative lifestyles” in statistically greater numbers than the general population. Some Aspergers adults do not feel particularly attached to their sexuality (i.e., they don’t identify with a particular sex or seek relationships with a particular sex). Other Aspergers adults simply avoid pursuing relationships (other than friendships). "Aspies" should not feel pressured to act outside of what they are comfortable with when it comes to developing relationships with others.

Relationship difficulties are not something unique to those with Aspergers. Non-Aspergers individuals (i.e., neurotypicals) have their own share of relationship difficulties. All relationships have stages. The stages in a relationship are:

1. coming together
2. staying together
3. moving apart

Coming together is a 6-step process:

1. initiating contact
2. discovery of common interests
3. intensifying your interest and involvement
4. integrating this person into your life’s activities
5. bonding or committing to the relationship (usually leading to marriage if the interest in the relationship is sexual)

Staying together is a long-term situation that requires effort from both partners to keep the relationship going. There are nine characteristics that long-term relationships often have, none of which are always present to the same degree:

1. amusement (i.e., making the relationship fun and enjoyable)
2. affection (i.e., pleasure in being together)
3. commitment equity (i.e., equal dedication to the relationship)
4. fidelity equity (i.e., faithfulness to each other)
5. contracting (i.e., fulfilling any agreements made to each other)
6. a “two-some” mentality (i.e., relying on each other as partners)
7. recognition (i.e., publicly making others aware of your commitment to each other)
8. frankness (i.e., revealing your inner self to each other)
9. averaging (i.e., good and bad times should average out)

It is possible for a relationship to come apart at almost any stage. Under normal conditions, relationships come apart in five steps:

1. differentiating (i.e., disagreements and differences become the focus of attention)
2. circumscribing (i.e., talk diminishes with less revealing of self and fewer commitments to each other)
3. stagnation (i.e., relationship loses its life and partners move apart physically)
4. avoiding (i.e., partners stop seeing each other)
5. termination (i.e., the relationship ends)

Communication and attitude are always thought of as a key to successful relationships. This is where the differences in how Aspies and non-Aspies perceive similar experiences can cause problems in relationships. Non-Aspies tend to value the following attitudes in a relationship:

1. achieving an understanding and appreciation of each other
2. being able to discuss conflicts, expectations, and anxieties that bother each other
3. being committed
4. being empathic
5. being honest and open about ones feelings
6. having a desire for the relationship to continue
7. listening non-judgmentally
8. make compromises when problems occur
9. seeing the world through the other person’s perspective
10. sharing responsibilities
11. talking “together” rather that “at” one another
12. trying to understand the other person in the way they perceive themselves

It is a common (but false) perception on the part of many people without Aspergers that Aspies lack these abilities. It is extremely difficult for anyone – with or without Aspergers – to understand and perceive what one has never experienced. Because of differences in the way that our brains process and respond to experiences, non-Aspies have just as much difficulty understanding and appreciating the Aspie’s perspective as the Aspie has understanding and appreciating the non-Aspie’s perspective. That doesn’t mean that both sides can’t learn to respect those differences and even understand them somewhat on an intellectual level. Communication becomes the most important factor in helping each other to understand and appreciate these differences.

People without Aspergers learn about and experience social interactions on a non-thinking level. To articulate how and what they know or feel on a thinking level is not something they often need to do – or know how to do – with other “normal” people. They simply “understand” because they tend to perceive these experiences in a similar fashion. Conversely, people with Aspergers tend to process a lot of input on an intellectual level because it is harder for them to pick up multiple pieces of information and process them quickly on a non-thinking level.

(An interesting side note: Even though the mental effort of verbal communication can be very stressful for people with Aspergers, they are the ones who are expected to “explain” their differences to non-Aspies since non-Aspies see themselves as “normal” and therefore consider themselves easy to understand.)

Nonetheless, both Aspies and non-Aspies can develop meaningful and fulfilling relationships with one another. It requires that both parties have a strong desire to make the relationship work and to work hard at communicating their different perspectives. Both parties should have a willingness to communicate in a non-judgmental way, which is essential to the understanding of, and an increased appreciation for, the differences that will exist between the two parties. All relationships, to be successful in the long-term, require a commitment to compromise and sharing, but having Aspergers does not lessen the chances of having such a relationship if this is truly what the Aspie wants.

Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… 32, aspy, and divorced. Now floundering in the dating scene again. It's hard. Especially after a nearly 10 year relationship. I guess the hardest part is making myself available again, but being in a new town and not knowing anyone adds another level of difficulty to something that is already hard for me. 
•    Anonymous said… Dont give up hope! Its not an easy journey, but when you find the person willing to share it with you, its worth the wait. Just be patient!
•    Anonymous said… I know it sounds absurd but there IS a girl out there who will think your quirks are adorable and be anxious to deal with them in a way that will make you feel like a million bucks! Just do NOT be in a hurry. It took 44 years to find mine.
•    Anonymous said… It helps if you can find someone who shares your "special interest." Whatever it is that you're super into, try to find someone else into it too. The bond over the shared interest will help smooth out the other areas of the relationship that will likely be bumpy.
•    Anonymous said… Just be yourself. I'm not dating yet because I am concentrating on school. Still, there are a lot of people who complement me for my kindness and smart ideas. They have said that I'd make any woman happy because of how I am as a human being.
•    Anonymous said… My aspi son is now 28. He has been with the same girl for 8 years. They now have a beautiful baby girl. I am a 60 yr old female aspi, not diagnosed till recently. 3 marriages and X boyfriends later. My advice would be to forget the end goal and enjoy the journey. Expect nothing and then everything becomes a happy bonus. I am back dating again and am much more relaxed about it. X

Post your comment below…

How Aspergers Teens Can Make Friends

Question

I’m a high school student with Aspergers. I want to have some friends, but can’t seem to find any. It’s like they don’t want anything to do with me. How can I make at least a few friends?

Answer

Friendships are usually built on one or more things of shared interest between two individuals. Friends share their thoughts and feelings as well as experiences. Teenagers with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism tend to be very open and honest and willing to share themselves with others, which are traits that friends will value. However, some peers may not value this trait. They may not be ready to be open and honest and share personal information about themselves with you, so it makes them feel uncomfortable when you offer these things to them.

Some non-Aspergers teens like to take the development of friendships slowly. When someone asks you questions about yourself (e.g., where you were born, what school do you attend, what do you like to do), they are indicating that they have a possible interest in becoming your buddy. That doesn’t mean they will become your buddy, only that they are interested in finding out if you both share enough interests to possibly become buddies.

On the other hand, some teens without Aspergers can be very open to making friends quickly. If someone wants to be your buddy quickly, and then asks you to do something for them (e.g., give them money, do something crazy, hurt someone), be aware that true buddies don’t do that! True friends help you to feel good about yourself and protect you from doing things that are not in your best interest, or in the best interest of others.

Teens with Aspergers tend to be very loyal to their friends. However, their loyalty can be abused by those with various social weaknesses (e.g., greed, jealousy, low self-esteem). It is always a good idea to pay attention to your “gut.” If you feel uncomfortable about something, even if you can’t identify what it is, it is best to seek advice from someone you do trust who understands how some people can take advantage of others.

Many Aspergers teens have particularly strong interests in certain areas. Unfortunately, very few people around them may share that interest. This makes it harder for the Aspergers teen to find friends. Therefore, look for friends at clubs where other teens with your special interest are likely to gather. Some Aspergers teens recognize that having a lot of buddies is not that important to them. Other Aspergers teens blame themselves or think badly about themselves if they don’t have friends or make friends easily.

Making friends has less to do with whether people like you than it does with whether you have interests or experiences that are similar to theirs AND whether you are also willing to share in the interests they have that are different from your own. It is easy to lose potential friends if you share more than what the other person wants to receive, or don’t give the other person equal time to share their interests with you. True buddies will stick up for each other in front of others, answer questions honestly, help each other when there is a need, and will enjoy just spending time together. Most people only have a few friends that meet this definition of a close buddy. These are the best buddies to have and to seek.

Another reason that Aspergers teens may have a more difficult time making friends is because their sensory processing and body movements are different from those without Aspergers. Friendly pats on the back and reaching out to touch your arm are common ways for non-Aspergers people to “connect” with each other through the sense of touch. If touch is perceived as uncomfortable or even threatening, your reaction to their well-intentioned effort to relate to you is not going to be easily understood. This is where Aspergers teens need to self-advocate and to let others know what makes us uncomfortable. Most people without Aspergers ARE willing to respect these differences, IF they know about them.

For those who struggle with verbal communication, a card that explains what you need can be carried in your wallet or purse and shared with others as you choose. The “down side” is, because it is hard for people without Aspergers to relate to these differences in perception, it may limit how many potential friends will be willing to work that hard to become a close buddy. Aspergers teens often find it easier to socialize and become buddies with other “Aspies” simply because they understand each other’s way of thinking and perceiving.

“Missed” communication can also make it harder for Aspergers teens to make and keep friends. Their more limited body movements can be misread by others who regularly look for “body language” cues when communicating. Aspergers teens also tend to find it difficult to attend to all the body language cues that others give. Thus, they may misread the “intended” messages if all they are paying attention to are the words others use.

Understanding the social rules that non-Aspergers people follow can also help in making and keeping friends. Some typical social rules that Aspergers teens tend to break (that others find offensive, but won’t tell you about to avoid hurting your feelings) are:

• appearing desperate or too eager to establish a close relationship with someone you don’t know really well (which may be a dangerous thing for you because this is the type of behavior that people who will abuse you look for)
• asking others about their current relationships (unless they bring it up first)
• dressing too fancy or too casually for the situation (e.g., wearing too much make-up or seductive clothes to work or a picnic, wearing jeans to a job interview, etc.)
• poor grooming habits (e.g., not brushing your teeth, not bathing or washing your hair, not wearing clean clothes, not wearing deodorant, etc.)
• telling people things about yourself that are considered “private” (e.g., that you don’t have any friends, you’ve never had sex, etc.)

Even though your sensory processing differences may be the reason for your grooming habits or clothes choices, unless you take the time to explain these differences to others, they will judge you based on your appearance. That doesn’t mean you can’t find ways to compromise (e.g., adding a jacket to dress up blue jeans). Clothes that are clean and unwrinkled are more important than being “in fashion.” You can accomplish a “snug-fit” that some Aspies seem to prefer by wearing biking shorts or a wet suit under your clothes rather than overly tight fitting clothes that might be viewed as “suggestive.”

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers & High-Functioning Autistic Teens