Children on the Autism Spectrum Who Wander Off

“I have pulled my son back from walking into the road numerous times. He is aware of the danger but he shuts off and hyper focus's on his thoughts to block out sensory stuff which makes him oblivious to his surroundings. Also, he will disappear from our fenced in backyard [thru the gate] and wonder down the street on those rare occasions that I go in the house for literally a minute or two. I CANNOT take my eyes off of him for a second! How can one keep this child from wondering off like this? Suggestions?”

Research reveals that about 50% of kids on the autism spectrum run off at least once. Many have been gone long enough to cause parents to report their child missing to authorities, and some have tried to wander off multiple times. The most common places these kids wander from are their homes, schools, or a store. 

There are several reasons why kids on the spectrum wander off (e.g., seeking a place they enjoy, trying to find a place they can go to avoid an uncomfortable situation, impulsivity, feeling stress or sensory overload, anxiety, etc.). It has been suggested that wandering off may be the leading cause of death among these young people. Drowning appears to be the most common among these casualties.



For moms and dads who have a “wandering” youngster on the autism spectrum, here are a few precautions to ensure his or her safety: 

1. DNA registration can be a useful tool for identification. Some companies will store your youngster’s DNA for up to 18 years.

2. Locator technology is another useful tool. There are GPS devices that kids can wear which will help parents locate their lost youngster.  For example, the EmSeeQ locator band is a watch-like device that uses cell phone technology. Other security companies offer a variety of options to help parents keep track of their youngster.

3. Having a youngster on the autism spectrum forces parents to “think out-of-the-box.” Thus, try to understand your youngster’s motivation for wandering off, and then try to find a safer way to meet that desire. For example, many children on the spectrum have a fascination with water. So, if your child has wondered off to the pond near home, then possibly a kiddy pool in the back yard would meet his need to explore water.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

4. Keep your house safeguarded.  For example, set up sensor motion lights around the periphery of your home, set alarms that notify you when someone opens a door or window, and make sure your child’s bedroom is close to yours.

5. Keep a diary of places that your youngster has shown an interest in. Think of specific convenience stores, neighborhood friends’ residences, parks, playgrounds, streams/ponds/lakes, and other places your youngster seems to gravitate to.

6. Use the “stay within my reach” rule. When your child prefers to walk without holding your hand in potentially unsafe zones (e.g.. in a parking lot, at the mall or grocery, on sidewalks, crossing the street, etc.), let him know that’s fine as long as he stays close enough to you such that you can reach out and grab him if needed. Also, let him know that if he violates this rule at any point, you will have to hold his hand for a count of 30, and then try again. This models how to practice self-control, which is a very important concept for children on the autism spectrum. To reinforce compliance with this rule, tap your child on the shoulder every few minutes (if he is being successful with following the rule) and say, “I can still reach you. I appreciate you staying close by my.”

7. Use the “stay within talking distance” rule. When your child prefers to walk without holding your hand in rather safe places (e.g., at the park, on hiking trails, along the beach, down long hallways, etc.), let her know that’s o.k. as long as she stays within vocal range (however, if you have to scream loudly to get her attention, that’s too far!). If she violates this rule at any point, then revert back to the “stay within my reach” rule for a period of 3-5 minutes, then try again.

8. Register the youngster for proper ID through the local police department. Some police departments are set up to receive vital information for kids on the autism spectrum in case they need to refer to it.

9. Advise your neighbors of your child’s wandering tendencies. Tell them to feel free to notify you if they see something or if they see your youngster running away.  Also, tell them not take anything for granted.

10. Advise the school, too. When teachers and other staff interact with your youngster, make sure they emphasize that wandering off is dangerous. In addition, ask your child’s teachers if they would educate him or her on some basic identification facts (e.g., his or her address, the school he or she attends, parent’s cell phone number, etc.).

Have plenty of patience on hand as your youngster learns the importance of not wandering off. No doubt, there will be times when the child with a history of wandering tests the boundaries. In those cases, remind him of the danger, as well as the punishment that will be implemented (e.g., grounding with no privileges).


 
==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's 


More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book


==> Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…  He's 9 and has mostly stopped it. No more wandering, but he does still occasionally worry me with the bolting when he gets very overwhelmed.
•    Anonymous said… All the time!!
•    Anonymous said… As a much younger child, though, he was prone, always, when noise levels went up to just set off running in a random direction; sometimes that turned into climbing if the opportunity arose, and we'd find our three year old on top of an eight-foot stone wall.
•    Anonymous said… even now as a teenager, he'll wonder off if I'm not paying close attention.
•    Anonymous said… Functioning Labels are misleading and rigid. How a person is impacted is a more fluid, accurate representation. A person can slip into different impaction zones (mild/moderate/severe) based on mood, location, or health.
•    Anonymous said… He has stopped, probably after age 7. Wasn't necessarily bolting to, but bolting away from something with no thought of where he was headed. Any type of large group settings (school, summer day camp, Sunday School) until he got comfortable. My older, not diagnosed, son did too with things like fireworks. He bolted for the gate at Disney World when the afternoon fireworks at the castle went off.
•    Anonymous said… In autistic children it's called fight/flight and it's due to their anxiety escalating. When my son runs it can be very dangerous. We never chase him. We follow from a distance and keep him in eyesight.  The best thing to do is to watch for triggers and use calming techniques. For example if our son is adverting eye contact, rocking on his heels swaying back and forth or wringing his hands...these are all signs that he is considering to run. We will start try to decompress by talking in low calming voices. We will also use a weighted blanket. If he's resistant we stop talking altogether and try deep breathing.  If he runs out of our subdivision we call 911. What's important when calling is to identify your child is autistic to the dispatcher. We actually contacted our local sheriff department and they already have a summary profile that pulls up on their computers about our son. It provides them information about him that will help when they are handling him. Seek medical help, there are medications that can help decrease your child's anxiety.
•    Anonymous said… It seemed frequent between ages of 5-7? Not as much now. He's 9.
•    Anonymous said… It was actually a diagnostic question for admission to a specialty Aspergers school: "fight or flight?"
•    Anonymous said… My 5 year old ran out into the road, I was just behind him but a lovely woman tried to stop and help and he thought she was kidnapping him so he's never done it since but his lack of impulse control makes it a risk. Unfortunately that rules him out of school trips unless I can attend to take responsibility.
•    Anonymous said… My almost 9 yr old with recently diagnosed autism level 1, chased leaves into the road, and he also never uses a sidewalk. He is always walking in the grass between the road and sidewalk.
•    Anonymous said… my aspergers son is 15 and he has never done anything like that. I always feel for people who deal with that. The worst he has done is kicked holes in his bedroom wall when he was younger. Extremely stubborn though and the shutdown is hard but luckily nothing crazy.
•    Anonymous said… my child stays exactly where I say to. Thankful I haven't had to exp that and I'm sorry you have. My child acts like an adult who likes to stay put at home.
•    Anonymous said… My HFA Aspergers son who is 11 runs when he is scared, mad, or hears loud noises. It is scary because he just runs with no awareness of his surroundings
•    Anonymous said… my son 7 was just diagnosed aftet 3 yrs. He ran away from school when they were at recess. They caught him before he left the parking lot. At home he says hell run away and i keep an eye on our doors. When we go for walks and stuff he insist on walking in the middle of the road or in peoples yard.
•    Anonymous said… My son did when he was younger, what was worse is he wasn't scared of being hit by a car because he believed he had super powers. We locked the doors and put the key up high
•    Anonymous said… My son has yet to receive a diagnosis (red tape). He has only darted out in front of a car to escape a wasp.
•    Anonymous said… My son is (in)famous for being the first child in 33 years to "escape" from the local community art school at age 6 1/2-7. The class meant his lunch schedule was off, and he was hungry, so he decided, during a moment when the teacher was out of the room gathering materials, he was going to walk home. He walked out of the class, out of the campus gate, and was about 2/3rds of the 2-mile way home--accurately, in spite of several turns--when one of the seven staff members scrambling to look for him caught up. Everyone was terrified because the school was on the edge of a lake; except me. I knew as soon as they contacted me where he was probably going and that he was probably doing just fine, so as long as I didn't let myself imagine something actively sinister, his sense of direction was so impressive I assumed I could just head to my house and wait.
•    Anonymous said… My son is five and he threatens to walk out of school.
•    Anonymous said… My son is only 5 but yes all of the time. I'm constantly aware of what he is doing and ready to grab him because he can disappear very quickly.
•    Anonymous said… my son used to do that, apparently he is not aspergic, but suffers from sensory overload. And my stepson who is still awaiting to be statemented if the council don't lose the paperwork again.
•    Anonymous said… My son was home alone, had a meltdown and ran. I was very fortunate that only a few doors down, he got it together and came back home. I had already called the police and they checked on him. He has also tried to run from school during a meltdown but was talked down by a police officer he knew. He has a special bond with officers since both my husband and I are former officers. The school went berserk and escorted him everywhere last year. We started this year on a clean slate and so far so good.
•    Anonymous said… My son was the resident escape artist at his school when aged 5-8. I repeatedly explained to the teachers that he was a runner and they would have to learn to shut the school gates. That leaving furniture around he could climb was also a big no-no. The message didn't sink in. He found every escape route possible. Open school gates, closed farm gates, 6 foot pool gates, double locked doors (they only placed the door handles 2 foot apart so one hand on each handle and he was out). I would get phone calls to say they had to get in the car to look for him. Having a photographic memory he would run the back roads home whilst they looked for him on the main road. They would find him over 1km from school. Parents passing would find him in the local pony club and report his whereabouts to the school. BUT he did grow out of it and at 11 he is still alive having managed to not get himself run over in the process.
•    Anonymous said… My son who is non verbal autistic is known for his running. We had to fence around our whole house and we don't go anywhere unless know he is secure either with his harness or inside a buggy. We had belts that I wore and he wore that were connected as well. There have been times still that he got away from me. I have horrid nightmares about him getting away and getting hurt.
•    Anonymous said… My would just leave and when the police found her for me she would have no reason as to why she left, she just wanted to leave but would eventually come back.
•    Anonymous said… No but in a public place he will wonder off to be alone.
•    Anonymous said… Terrifyingly,on many occasions, somehow we survived into adulthood, able to drive, catch flights and use public transport although even that is less straightforward than one would like.
•    Anonymous said… That is why he is never unattended. Ever.
•    Anonymous said… that's why we have the Gizmo watch phone now. It allows us to track her. She can call only 4 numbers on the phone. It's been very handy. She feels independent and the wandering off has stopped. Also the best part: when I call: it auto picks up and I can talk and she has to listen.
•    Anonymous said… Twice, law enforcement searched.
•    Anonymous said… When he was little ... All the time
•    Anonymous said… When my son was around 8 he bolted through a pasture full of horses & cows. I was afraid he was gonna get trampled!
•    Anonymous said… every time it was because of anxiety. My son did this a lot when he was younger. He's now 16 and we don't have the issue. We've also worked hard to prepare him for change and limit his anxiety.
•    Anonymous said… Yes and he got sooo grounded. He took off a few times last year he hasnt done it since.
•    Anonymous said… until around 4. Had to have a whole shop shut down once as he managed to unclip himself from the stroller and was found hiding amongst the clothes rails...I died a million times in those minutes.
•    Anonymous said… Yes with fire! Would never learn it was hot
•    Anonymous said… He was a runner when he was 4-5 years old.
•    Anonymous said… No sense of danger. Fear is not an emotion he possesses.
•    Anonymous said… When I was younger because I did not want to be at school. Not anymore.

Please post your comment below...

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for Jan., 2016]

 Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

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Thank you for your YouTube videos re: Adults with Aspergers. My husband was diagnosed about a year ago.   We have been married almost 3 years, out of sadness and frustration I decided to do a search for a counselor who had Asperger's experience.  Your video "Asperger Men and Marriage problems"  was the 3rd one on the list of Google choices to come up on the screen. 

I am a nurse, so you can imagine the differences my husband and I have when it comes to empathy and emotions.  Your video made sense to me, I only hope it will make sense to my husband.  I have sent it to him, so fingers crossed.

Thank you for your video, I will continue to look for someone closer to our area.  It is good to know I am "not crazy". Stay warm over there, and again, Thank you.

/Carmen

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My boyfriend and I have been looking for someone to help explain his 13 year old son's unusual behaviors and social awkwardness.  He exhibits many of the signs and symptoms of asbergers but has never been diagnosed.

He is very thin in stature, walks a little funny with stiff arms and slightly hunched shoulders , constantly flaps his hands for no apparent reason.  He's socially awkward, very smart and uses a high vocabulary.  He seems to be off in space, and when asked a question pauses for a second but will engage.

He suffers from anxiety when met with different situations.  He is terrified of elevators, bleachers or stairs, heights, large crowds of people and noise like a mall situation.  He literally shuts down and becomes emotional and usually holds on to my boyfriend until his anxiety has passed.

He is somewhat immature for his age.  He loves video games and is extremely smart.  His math and science scores are extremely high.  He is not very physical at all in school he had a melt down when they were doing push ups, started shaking and was sent to the nurses office.   Last year his school teachers and nurses were concerned because of some dark drawings and writings in which he eluded to wanting to die.  He was taken to see a psychologist but she determined that he was not suicidal and appeared to be ok.  She really only visited with him a couple of times.  He doesn't really like to make eye contact but will when asked.  He has few friends and is socially awkward.  He will wear pants that are clearly too small and not care or seem to understand that he should not.

We are unsure whether we need to take him to see a psychologist, psychiatrist, a therapist, a neurologist or who at this point.

He is otherwise a pretty normal child.  I'm just concerned that if he can't manage some of these things it will be hard for him to function as an adult as he will need to overcome some of his anxieties on his own.  As he enters high school he may be a target for bully's.

I was searching the Internet and saw your website and just thought I'd ask your opinion on the matter as an expert.

Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.  We live in laredo, Texas and resources and health professionals are very limited in this area.  We are two hours from San Antonio, Texas and are willing to travel for better healthcare.

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We've been down this road before. Denial doesn't help anyone and can only do a major disservice to the one(s) needing assistance.  Just like the lame, blind, etc...before us, autistic parents and others involved will have to work diligently towards encouraging a societal change in attitudes towards the autistic community to be that of one of acceptance and needed assistance.

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My 14 yo son has not been diagnosed with anything but has become more anti everything- not voicing just not acknowledging that you even asked him to do something.  His deep voice is mumbly on purpose and therefore doesn't really communicate.  He doesn't really have friends, nor does he show temper tantrums or anger outbursts- he just doesn't do homework and seems uncaring of consequences. He's very bright but started letting grades go from easy A's in 6th to now C's and F's in 9th because he doesn't care. We've locked all electronics up with a password and he doesn't even want to comply to get his favorite dessert ice cream.  We've been going down this slow downward spiral for about 2 years, worsening recently but still gradually.  He went to 3 family counseling sessions, but then refused to get in car after.  The main thing that makes me think he may be in the autistic spectrum is:  he paces regularly at home daily and his lack of acknowledging personal space.  He used jump up and down and get visibly excited at movies, but then plug his ears and make noised during the conflict parts- even in the theaters.  Now he just doesn't want to watch movies- even the latest Star Wars- which he loved.

So.... I'm not sure your book is for us.  Please comment  :-}

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Dear Mark
I just want to express appreciation for what you do . I think many women find their AS husbands will listen to your advice and implement it despite how often we wives have said the same thing - they listen to you !
I've just found your book for parents as not surprisingly my 7 year old son has just been diagnosed also as HFA .
If you have a mailing list could I please be added to it to find out about newsletters and pod casts .
Thank you for being so Inspiring and sanity saving

Kind regards, Kay

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Dear Mark

I am the father of a very high function 15 soon to be 16 year old, that I totally lost my emotional anger level, and I don't know what to do.  Lauren is in the process of her assessment process with only two visits left.  She goes to a private school and with insurance they have to break it up into session.

After she kicked her mother while refusing to give up her iPad; I hit the bathroom door with my fist in anger and yelled at her at the top of my lungs.  She goes to private school that costs $14,000 per year and her dance costs about $5,000 per year.  I am currently on total disability from a job accident, and my health insurance was cancelled today.  This is sounding like a sob story for me; but it is here.

She sees a psychologist twice per week and I am just in a position that I am not able to see any substantial progress.  She was fine all day and because of one little things she shuts down, breaks down crying, and will get physical.  Fortunately, my wife is of cooler mind; but when she kicks her mother - which she has before - I get infuriated and personal issues got the best of me today.

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Ian 9 y/o is my grandson. He was diagnosed with Asperger's Dec2014.
Needless to say I was shocked, and angry too.
Still numbed I turned to the Internet (I was never able to get ahold of the developmental pediatric again). There I found Ambitious about Autism, and others. The ones I'm following closely now are the Asperger's Experts and Askpergers.
They are both inspiring,the 1st one have better sound advice but are selling almost everything. Which I cannot afford. Neither will I be able to pay the membership fee in your OPS.
But I have read your articles re: sexual education for teens. Have gone thru the listings on the sides of the articles, even found the one about grandmothers.
I like you. You seem a very intelligent and considerate man. Even your saying one issue at a time shows that. So of course, I am now a subscriber of yours haha.
Thank you ;))

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I see that you appear to be down in OC. My family is in Ventura County, which I know is 2.5-3 hours away; but do you ever meet with families in person, or is the support primarily through the e-mail and other services provided. Even that is worth the $49.

I am enjoying reading your book, going through it slowly, and digesting. I also do know that you said to not ask specific questions about your e-book until after reading and implementing the ideas; as I remember correctly.

Anyways, I just wanted to share with you that I have enjoyed reading it so far; as it has provided a lot of good information. Our daughter - Lauren - is still going through the official assessment process.

Probably as you know - private insurance makes you break it up into 7-8 individual sessions - not even including the 3 parental sessions. I just share this as even though she has not been "officially diagnosed"; she has seen 2 people who agrees that she has ASD & also has general anxiety disorder.

I will continue to read; but thank you for your kindness.

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Dear Mark

Thank you for providing information and education about Asperger's to families and friends who are concerned about the welfare of their loved ones. On new years eve some of my dearest friends lost their daughter( she committed suicide)and who had been given the diagnosis of Asperger's. It is tragic beyond belief, and hard to deal with the reality that she was so desperately alone, and not able to get and seek the support she needed in order to make life less painful. She was a talented pianist, worked so hard to reach her goals but in the end it was too much for her, and the only way out of her misery was to end her life. I know she is in a better place, no more pain and agony, I just wish I could have reached out more even being thousands of miles away, it is human to feel this way. It makes us strive to become better human beings. In the light of tragedy we all learn and grow, and hopefully we will be more mindful of people in( deep) need in the future. There is only one thing to say and that is Peace. and Love in the memory beautiful Maria.

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I would just like to say thanks from the bottom of my heart for this article and the whole blogger site it so straight to the problem I am facing. It looks like we are not the only parent that have the defiant manipulative teen issue.

Although that is comforting to know...it is also disturbing. What is going on with this generation of teens?  Is it us, the parents? or both?

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Hi,

Like many others I'm sure you've heard from, I'm desperate for help. To be honest, I'm so depressed that reading is difficult. However, I've been lying here in bed listening to your video clips on YouTube since 4 a.m.. I get the feeling "you get it". I am drowning in despair and really need help.

I also think my Aspie husband would be more willing to watch videos over reading the literature you've written regarding how to have a successful marriage with an Aspergers spouse.

Are videos from your conferences available for purchase?

Kim

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Thanks Mark

It's my precious Grandson. I'm not the mother.  He has an amazing family!!

He is so special to me.

I'm interested in trying to learn more. It's so hard to watch at times.

I don't live in the same town.I want more knowledge so I can be of more help.

My daughter and son n law are spending thousands and thousands.

 He is in so much therapy. I can see a lot of improvement. Would love 

 to chat some time .

 Think it's Karma I came across some of your tapes looking for something else tonight

Thanks Jo Karr

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Hi Mr. Hutten,

Just wondering if you know of any books I could get to help me deal with 40yrs of dealing with my Aspergers father. I'm about to severely cut contact with him. It's hard to take, and I'm tired.

I found your writing about parents with this disorder to be quite interesting.

Thanks,

Esther

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My husband and I live near Charleston, SC. We adopted our son a little over 8 years ago, when he was 5 1/2 years old. We knew he was Deaf but had no idea the extensive psychiatric disorders he had.

He has been medicated for PTSD, ADHD,
Conduct Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and Reactive Attachment Disorder.
He is demanding, aggressive, and violent. His hurts himself and others.

He has had Cognitive Based Therapy with several different therapists; Neuromodulation; Occupational Therapy; 2 months of day treatment;  15 5-day residential treatments; and 3 long-term residential treatments (2 weeks, 3 weeks, and 10 weeks).

He does worse during unstructured periods such as Christmas break, Easter Break, and summer vacation. He has some behavior problems at school because he is not as socially mature as his peers.

We don't know where to turn, so we hope you have some answers for us.

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My daughter ran away from home, took a greyhound bus to St. Louis, then was on her way to Chicago.
She left her cell phone at home and cancelled her credit and debit cards.  She was using cash.

They said she as trying to call someone in Chicago to make sure they would pick her up while she was at the bus station in 

St. Louis

She panicked when I surprised her at the St. Louis bus station and she took a cab to a homeless shelter who saw her have a meltdown and then they put her in a st louis hospital.  She's there "voluntarily."  

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My name is Heidi, I live in a small community, about 35 miles east of Binghamton, NY, called Deposit. A very dear friend of my has 3 children, the 2 oldest are both boys. Dominick, her oldest, 14, is extremely out of control, he hasn't hit her, yet, but if things continue at the pace they are, that isn't too far down the road. Amber, is shy, yet when you get to know her she's an amazing person. Yet at the same time has social anxieties, more like trust issues. Tonight things really escalated after Dominick came home from school. He had a doctor's appointment in the next town over and the staff wanted to know why she looked so miserable and upset. She explained what happened, and the doctor asked him why he still had his teeth, apparently appalled by Dominick's behavior. Her reply was 'I can't touch him, he's a CPS caller'. Sadly, this is very true. He's gotten into fights with his younger brother, and gone to school the next day with a visible mark on him. When asked about this mark, Dominick would blame Amber or her live-in boyfriend, Rob. Who has pretty much been Dominick's father 3/4 of Dominick's life. Next thing they know, CPS and/or the NY State Police are at her door.

Sadly, this couple is at their wits end about what can they do, who can they turn to, who to trust, or even have some kind of support. I found your page on Facebook and suggested it to her, but again the trust issues come into play. I'm not afraid to stick my face out and find a way to help them. They are like family to me and have helped me when my fiancee passed away last May.

Dominick has ADHD, and is medicated, but probably needs an adjustment or even a change in medication. Counseling does not work for him because he knows how to play the counselor, refuses to talk and just wants to play games.

He has been expelled from our school district and attends a school for kids with behavior issues in Binghamton. This school doesn't see any problems with Dominick, because compared to the other students, Dominick is an angel. Since this transfer, he has become even worse. Back before Christmas, Dominick and his brother were bringing in firewood, before the brother went to his father's for a weekend visit. For whatever reason we don't know why, Dominick chucked a piece of wood at his brother. Causing scratches on his cheek, then proceeded to choke him and bounce his head off the sliding glass all before Amber could get to the back door and break it up.

Any and all help, suggestions, referrals, tips are very much welcomed.

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Hi

I just discovered that my son has Aspergers Syndrome Disorder after visuting a psychotherapist. He diagnosed it using parent interview. 

I bought a book about Aspergers, a book about nutrients for Aspergers - the lack of nutrients in Aspergers kids. I understand it but what I don't understand is, he is emotional at times. For example, he wanted a transformer movie toy 2007 so badly. This is an old toy and cannot be found at Toys R Us stores so, I searched in ebay and found one and got one for him. When he received the toy, he tried to transform it but could not. So, to please him, I wrote to the seller informing him about the problem. The seller replied, "what is specificallly wrong with the right leg?" the seller asked. He checked my email and he read it and he found that the way the seller replied is rude and he could not take it. He got so hurt and kept thinking if the mayter for days. What should I do or How should I do to eliminate ir get rid of the thoughts, all kind.

I think I have found someone who can help. If you charge fees, please let me know. I am happy to pay, if it is not too expensive.

Best regards

Cindy

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Hello!

I googled today "How to get someone to admit they have Aspergers," and your website came up.  Our daughter is 25 and has not been officially diagnosed, with part of the reason being she is so resistance to that label or condition.  She graduated college in an honors program with a 3.9, but started to fall apart her senior year, and we then realized most of her difficulties related to social, relationships and communication.  That was almost 3 years ago and her life, our lives, and our family are being devastated. She has been fired from 3 jobs, has lost all relationships except 2 girls, who would never leave her, never dated (she's very attractive), totaled her car and doesn't like to leave the house. In our home, where she is living, she is vocally disrespectful, curses non stop, destroys things and even hit us.  She sees a therapist regularly, but will not go with us to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis or discuss or read anything about Aspergers, she says everyone else are idiots, she's not. (Not that we've ever labeled Aspergers as that) We realize she probably has other mental disorders - comorbid by this time, we though are desperate to have her dialogue about or consider Aspergers. 

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Hi Mark,

I have just discovered your website nd newsletter! Our daughter was just diagnosed with NLVD/Asperger’s with a verbal IQ of 130+. Math fluency is in the 10^th percentile or lower.

Since most schools use the broad ADOS2-HF and CARS2 assessments, what tests are appropriate for our verbal child to really identify her type of HFA?  She charms them and teachers but disguises big academic, social and transition gaps that need to be addressed.

PPT meeting to finalize is next week.

Thanks!!

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Hello Mr. Hutten.

My name is Bethany and I have 2 custodial grandsons ages 9 and 6.(The eldest I have had since 9 months old and the youngest since he was 12 months old.) I have been fighting red-tape since the eldest was just 4 to have him diagnosed with something we could treat whether by changes in environment, me, diet, medication, a different game plan...anything. His behaviour is off the chart and has been since age 4. Both boys were diagnosed with" Reactive Attachment Disorder".  I have had us as a family in counseling. I had them enrolled in both individual and group sessions in addition to our family sessions. I get no where. 

I tried other doctors, I tried other routes. I read up myself on ADHD, ODD and Bi-Polar conditions because both of their parents have ADD, father has ODD, father had feral child syndrome when he was rescued from an abusive home where he witnessed the death of his baby sister by their mother biting her. Both of their parents have been termed bi-polar and yet neither thinks they need the medication prescribed, which is very common in the bi-polar individual. Both parents suffer from severe depression which in their mother results in euphoria and up days where she never sleeps for days at a time and then bottoms out and begins to choreograph motions leading to suicide. Both parents have tried to kill themselves and the father spoke often of killing off the whole lot of them. I had to hotline the family when my daughters hand had been bitten through and I noted several deep bruises on the fleshy parts of her side, arm, neck etc. They placed the father in jail for his clear abuse however his adoptive mother and dad did not want the stigma involved with a jail stay and he was bailed out and kept out that same evening. The hotline led to the removal of the children based on abuse by the father and the CHOICE to stay with her husband was based as neglect on their mothers part (she is my only daughter). Children were going to go into state custody unless I wanted them and so I took my grandsons BEFORE they had been state-placed  for 24 hours, not knowing any better and so rather than having foster care money I have had to raise each child on between 111 and 113 dollars per MONTH income, only source. Also since I was well-below "grandmother age" at the time I took the boys I did not and still do not qualify for social security. We have been homeless. We have been well-below the poverty level. At that level one can find several programs for behaviour in raising children but they all come with a huge price tag...that being said when you have no money to work with, even a dollar is considered a huge price tag.I am not writing to ask you for anything FREE or you to "treat" us in any way. I am writing because I understood your video bits on the website and you made sense to me. I am writing because I do not know where else to turn and when you have the actions of these kids and people say "Oh, boys will be boys." or they say "Have you ever heard of Munchhausen Syndrome Mrs. Hughes?"Really? I'm seeking attention because without any help from any one any where, no programs fitting, I'm the one with the problem? One of the main problems is I am not a hitter parent. I choose to try to talk thru things with the boys to get them to see why discipline in the form(s) of time-outs, or privilege removals, are necessary for them to learn to cope and change themselves for the better outcome. They do not care. They talk over everything I am trying to say. They are very rude, disrespectful and aggressive. In one case where the eldest boy went after the youngest and tried to choke him to death , then to stab him,  inappropriately I guess I  chose to take the knife away and then to spank the eldest child. One hit on his fanny, my hand. He laughed in my face, said with a grin "That did NOT hurt you stupid woman!" and then he sealed the deal by kicking my right knee backward causing me to drop like a stone. I did not want him to get a label so young, so I never had it treated and now have days I literally can barely walk. There has been TALK of ODD and one neurologist and one gp have stated the boys have ADHD for certain, but neither will treat it with anything. The boys were witness in their very early development of my own bad marriage, wherein my ex would talk down to me and tell the kids they did not have to listen to my "stupid ass"...but it was stay in that home until I could get accepted into a housing program with them, or be homeless and at the time our shelters were chock full in Decatur IL.They were witness and their little sponge-brains swallowed all he would show them to be rude, disrespectful to women, specifically me and their mother when she was allowed to visit with them. I will accept a lot of blame, though, I feel I did the best for them that I could at the time I had to do what I did. The eldest grandson Michael refuses to do his homework. He refuses to do any chores stating "If you make me clean up YOUR messes since this is YOUR house I ain't taking any care of you when you are OLD Lady!" Or, "It's your job to clean up after us all the time since you can't even GET a REAL Job Dummy!" (Yes, mirroring the ex.) I spend all of every day of life trying to make sure one does not kill the other literally or kill me. I have had to hide all the knives and the patio lighter for the threats to burn me down in the house. I have tried everything(that I am aware of trying) to make it better for the boys, better for me....for our little nuclear family unit.I pray every day for an answer. I pray every night for an answer. I read whatever I think may help. I have taken sugar, color and high glycemic carbs out of their diet. I have tried melatonin for them to get to and stay asleep at the suggestion of the neurologist because as she put it, "Their brains do not tone down at night when they are supposed to sleep." They get 3 hours of sleep and they are up like a shot ready to go and at that time of evening I am JUST making it into bed if I am lucky because of having to stay up and clean and re-order the whirlwind they left behind in their aggressive, loud and threatening "play." I have lost three relationships because, "You can't control your children." Three attempts at having something for my happiness. Bottom line is if you hit them to discipline they hit back. They NEVER stop talking back, slinging their opinions or "accidentally" hurting me and our therapy dog Missy. When your therapy dog needs her own therapy animal, well, that should be one clear indication there is a problem here. On February 22 I will be taking the eldest to the Eastern Carolina University Hospital Pediatric Psychiatry department for an evaluation. It was requested by his GP...back in OCTOBER 2015. That was the waiting list.  The schools Vanderbilt Eval shows no significant anything that matched ANYTHING I say about their behaviours at home because they are seeing NONE of it in school...again leading to "Have you heard about Munchhausen Syndrome Mrs. Hughes?" I have grown so weary, weak and tired of all of this. I just want a healthy happy life. I am so fed up catering to children who are so awful and I do not know where to turn or what to do. I love my grand babies so much. I have tried to do whats best for them and I just keep failing. Other than GOD I have no where to turn. So, back to why I wrote you...sometimes people who write books or create programs also have a lender copy available to those in DIRE financial straits. I am in that category. I NEED something to help me straighten this out before these boys choose to be like Jeffrey Daumer (sp?) . Their interactions are worsening. The youngest is trying to pull the legs off of frogs because he says "Littler things than me can't feel nothing anyway." If you do not loan your product like a library copy where you get it back...is there a way to pay it off in minute installments like $10.00/month until its paid and THEN send it to me? Any advice you can lend would be very welcomed. I am so lost. I am so tired of this constant battle. I want the boys to be well young men who care for their partners rather than belittle degrade and neglect or abuse them. There is no masculine mentor in their lives, so I have to do the best I can for them. I tried to get them into Scouts and 4-H, but they were too "loosely behaved" to settle down when the fingers went up in the air for the quiet sign. We were asked to leave there and Church for the same reasons. I am sure you are a busy man, so I will leave this right here. I do not intend to disrupt your life or beg for free stuff. I am only asking if there are options I can afford in order to get the help the boys and I need or if in fact after reading this you think there may be alternate routes, please share with me. I just want resolve for the good of the many. With Respect and Kindness...Sincerely, Bethany Hughes  God Bless

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Hi Mark

How do you find time to respond to everyone?!

I have been spending a lot of time on your myaspergerschild website over the last few months as my 9 year old son's behaviour gets worse. He has always been a difficult child compared to his 12 year old sister and 7 year old brother. He is mostly irritable and angry and the slightest thing will cause him to scream and shout. His siblings always end up giving in to his demands (be it taking their turn on the computer or giving up a sleepover so as not to offend him if he doesn't have one). Last week, the idea of not having a sleepover when his siblings did have one (he had his birthday party the next day so we wanted him to get a good sleep) caused him to throw flour, beads, lego all over the kitchen.

We are in the process of getting him diagnosed and we are attending the final ADR-I interview next week. He may fall outside the full diagnosis because he does have some social strengths eg making friends, team sport etc. However, we know that he is different. He finds change difficult, he resists going to school (although he does very well at school), sensory issues, sleep issues, anger, aggression, and he often gets 'stuck' in his desire to have something that it can take over the whole day. His anxiety levels always seem high. He is very good at the violin and does enjoy it but a few weeks ago he just decided he couldn't do it anymore and now we even struggle to get him to go to the building as his little brother still needs to go to his cello lesson.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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Hi Mark,

This week I ended a magnificent 3 year relationship with a wonderful man, Walter. He is truly the great love of my life and I his. I feel as if a veil has been lifted by reading your website and now am quietly hopeful about our potential. I would like to ask some questions and explain a bit about him so that you might be able to help us.

In one of the last letters I wrote to him I screamed "When will you ever stop being so selfish and wake up to yourself?" "What about me?!" As I pondered the question myself something twigged and I looked up Aspergers. So I sent him your link and a self test link and left him to process it all and get back to me when he was ready to restructure the relationship and make meeting both of our needs a priority. I was at the end.   

His response to my "selfish" question was so stunning and I was so devastated by my lack of ability to get through to him how this relationship felt for me that I lost the last bit of optimism and resilience I had. This was mostly because I was so depleted after an extended period of not getting my needs met. I gave up hope for the future and for the resolution of our current issue. I could no longer bear the waiting until he has time to process this all, or the pain of the loneliness that is fully a third of our relationship.

To avoid this in future I then proposed to restructure our relationship and put ourselves at the centre of our lives, and made our plans and designed our life around us both, while considering how we could all (Walter, myself, my children and his son, and our ex's) get our needs met. 

Because this would mean changing some of his routines (rostering his 50% parenting time first, work shifts next, home school camps and art exhibitions next, art studio time next, chores, next... me after that...) and it came at a busy time of the year for him, (because he can't organise his life or time) and it came after I said I couldn't be with him any more ( too much of my changing my mind in one week) he did not respond favourably and argued some of the irrelevant details in the e-mail.

(It is difficult to know sometimes whether to write to him, less stimulation, or to speak face to face, more feedback. Neither works consistently.)

Since then I bought your e-book in order to try to a) diagnose b) gain insight c) learn strategies to avoid such misunderstandings in future.

Most of your book was irrelevant for me. Walter is very sensitive, perceptive, intelligent and caring. He has learned how to manage social interactions and much of life including relationships. And we are very compatible in many ways that make some of his social and relationship challenges a non issue for me.

However he has trouble empathising with me unless I say things in the right tone of voice, at the right time and circumstances and with the least amount of emotion and related information. I need to be extremely careful with the expressing my emotions and with making sure I keep the topic/request/issue simple and remain focused and on topic, and I need to make sure that I have extracted the essence of the issue from the other aspects of the situation so that he does not focus on the details of some of the less important things and become overwhelmed or obsessed with correcting facts or dealing with those details.

Walter did a self test yesterday out of curiosity and and did not score high, and he did not relate the the description. I agree that he does not exhibit all the possible behaviours and some of them not to their fullest extent, and that he is not impeded by Aspergers the way and to the extent that many others are. 

Is it possible that he is not Aspergers but has something else and similar?

If so, in what direction should I explore?

Or, is it likely that he is high functioning or low on the Aspergers spectrum? (I'm guessing here on the use of these terms) and could that  mean that he won't relate to the diagnosis?

If so does that mean he will possibly think that he does not need to look further into the possibility of him/Aspergers being part of the problem in this relationship?

Do people like this identify or not with the descriptions or the situations? One of his comments about the self test questions that he said yes to was that almost everyone in the world would say yes to those questions.

I am afraid that at 45 he will not want to rethink his idea of himself and that it might be too overwhelming to see his behaviour, relationships and life with new eyes and consider the consequences of this new information. 

I don't want to push Aspergers down his throat and I don't want to blame him. I just want him to understand how I experience things in the relationship as it was and to consider putting the relationship before his art and his current strategy of organising his roster and life.   

Here are the things that make me think he is Aspergers. 

* Routines, and inability to quickly change his routine or plan.

* Not having the ability to empathise with me unless I am very calm, clear and articulate about what is going on for me. (and even then...) This in spite of being very caring and socially capable in certain practiced and safe environments, and seeming to be very concerned, interested and sensitive to others. And being very much in love with me and caring a great deal about me, wanting to understand me and wanting me to be happy. 

* getting distracted by minor facts when arguing a big picture deal with me, quite an irrational and surprising for someone so intelligent and so capable of complex and rational thought when his emotions and our relationship is not at stake/involved.

* brain short circuit when given too much stimulation, information, social/emotional stuff, and needing much more time that seems reasonable to process issues between us and feelings and reactions. 

* Not being able to meet my needs while he is in overwhelm when our relationship is in crisis. Withdrawing and not being able to say anything reassuring when he is about to withdraw for an extended period of time. 

My experience when we are in conflict is that I need to initiate contact, reconnection, and solutions to problems. My resolve is to allow him to process all of this and to require him to initiate reconnection. I'm afraid that he won't because I have always taken on the role of initiator and taken responsibility for the relationships evolution. 

Do you think he needs me to do this with the new insights I have gained about how he processes things? 

Or have I been allowing him to remain in  his Waltered state by carrying him and supporting him through the relationship and emotional minefield?

I don't know if my emotional, social and relationship strengths, effort and commitment have done more good or bad. 

I feel that if I had 'diagnosed' him earlier, and had the insights that you offer before we broke up that I could have prevented this break up and that we could have been very happy together with me being the one responsible for the management of the relationship. But now that we have the opportunity to start again I am not sure about the balance of responsibility and I don't want to start again in an unhealthy unsustainable way. What do you think? What would you advise?

I would love your opinion and insights on these questions. In return I offer any writing I have done or can do for you that you could use to help others. I think you have a wonderful resource and that helping people in these relationships has the potential for rippling out into society and the world in important ways. I believe that helping people with Aspergers in their relationships means that their gifts to the world can be offered. An 80% divorce rate means a lot of people who are going to struggle to get their art and gift out there...all that passion and talent wasted because of lack of support and social skill. 

With much gratitude for your work and, thanks in advance for your time.

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Hello Dr. Mark Hutten. My name is Vance. I am a 20 year old who has been doing research in Aspergers for about 4 years. I am also familiar with your youtube videos. From my personal history, research, and personal struggles, I am almost positive that I have it - and so does my doctor. I have just about all of the symptoms, especially involving serious problems with socializing and making friends, not staying in a group conversation, narrowed interests, inability to make friends, etc. The only thing I don't quite understand is what is called "mind-blindness." I know that it refers to problems in reading body language, reading and predicting emotions and intentions of others, facial expressions, etc... This is the only symptom that I don't think I have. Because for example, I DO see when someone is angered or crying. I also can read facial expressions (although I often misread them). Or if I come home and see someone routing around the kitchen, I automatically can predict they are looking for something. The reason I am asking you is because I am currently seeing a doctor for an evaluation. So I want to know if I'm understanding this symptom correctly.

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So I read your books and listened to everything on your web site and I have a question.  First some background.  I am 55 year old male.  I was diagnosed with Aspergers about 2 years ago ( before DSM V) after realizing that my youngest son was on the autism spectrum and hearing a radio show on NPR and doing some research I got a professional diagnosis.  It was an experience that freed me from all of the blame and guilt i had put onto myself over the years.  My wife of over 30 years cried.   She lost all hope.  I lost all guilt.

So 2 years later she still thinks I can change.  It isn't the quirkiness so much that bothers her as the "meltdowns".  I don't throw a tantrum ( well maybe sometimes) but usually just become overwhelmed and shutdown and get very disagreeable.  She gets very upset and I must pay for it for days until I apologize in the "right way" which I really do not know what that is.  I know that I have upset her but I can't stop it once it starts.  All of your suggestions I have tried but she does not feel that she should have to do anything because the problem is with me...   We have spent a fortune on counseling over the years.  All centered on trying to change me.

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Hi Mark,

Back again - I've reached the point when I've been thinking about getting a divorce for a month now. I can't sleep for weeks, and I had a pretty bad breakdown today morning and was shouting with my husband for half an hour about him being an irresponsible father for not taking care of our daughter's health issues, and crying for another half an hour - above my daughter's an my visiting mother's head.

1. I can organize our life so that our daughter gets proper medical help and a healthy living environment that e.g. is mold free and let's her breath properly.

1. I can't argue with my husband each day about the fact that e.g a mold-free home and his daughter being able to breath properly is a priority. I can't go on shoutinb at my husband to help us with our daughter's health issues - or when I give up and ask somebody else's help taking the blame for that all the time.

I can live with not getting e.g a new cupboard but our daughter's health issues can't wait. No matter what solutions I try to find, with or without my husband, nothing is good for him: "Don't tell me what to do. I'll add this to my long to-do list." "I'll decide if it's a priority or not. "I hate when your mother is here to visit us because it bothers me that she is around." "Why did you spent money on getting a cleaning lady to come."  "Don't even think about becoming a stay-at-home mome instead of working."

It makes me mad. At the weekend when he stated that removing mold from our flat is nowhere near his priority list AND that he hates that my mother was there (whom I asked to come to help) AND why don't I make our bedroom in order - something broke inside me. I keep shouting at him. I really felt that I could hit him. I cry. I don't want him to touch me. I really, really feel that I don't want to talk to him. I can't sleep. I try to work. I try to keep meeting our 4 year old Asperger's daughter needs - and not shout at her, too, out of sheer frustration. I try not to collapse but with increasingly less slerp and more stress it gets more and more difficult. I want help. I want out... I just can't go on like this.

And I keep repeating to myself what's written in your book but I just can't attribute positive intention to my husband's behaviour anymore - especially not the one related to our daughter's health...

It was approximately 2 weeks ago that our daughter's neuro-psychologist finally could get through to my husband that our daughter has Asperger's after almost a year - and that my husband has, too. The neuro-psychologist offered us to go to him for marriage counseling but my husband refuses to come. For him, there is no problem, there is no such things that we couldn't discuss or solve at home - for him, the only problem is my "attitude".

Do you see any way that I can still make our marriage work? 

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Hello. Thanks for reading my email. Please forgive my lack of proper writing skills at the moment. I am all over the place .   My name is Deanna  I have a nine year old son  brody who was diagnosed with Asperger's last year. Before that it was Bi Polar Disorder, before that it was ADHD.

He has been on medication since he was five. He was on metadate for two  and a half years which made him never want to eat and he  developed ticks, then it changed to abilify which he has been on for a few years now. They also this year put him on Tenex with the Abilify. My son has these meltdowns. He is high functioning but we argue every day...basically everything I have read on your web page  ....happens to us...even the over parenting , especially that .

I have babied him because since he was 3 he has had issues . hitting his head on wall , not being able to calm. and because if my own issues trying to Not be like my mother but in extreme opposite.

I have has him in the first 5 program, Tbs , Kaiser mental health and county mental health since he was 3. he has  an IEP and is in special ed since 2nd grade buit I think he needs higher functioning kids to be around. they want to transfer him out soon.

His dad and I separated when he was 1 1/2. I was withdrawn for the first year, and confused and in denial.he went and still goes with him every weekend. 

he has a step dad, my sweetheart of 6 plus years...I believe my sweetheart may have a mild form of ASD too but that's another story and he is good to brody.

at dad each weekend he gets 10 HOURS  plus of video games and sugar sugar sugar ... its fun time at dad each weekend but dad doesn't take him to play with other kids too much. Dad has never been too cooperative with anything I try and it does seem the weekends shut down any progress we have made during the week .

at my house there are dietary restrictions and he cant stand me for it.  my son will do a chore maybe twice a week like taking trash out or picking up his clothes if he is in a good mood. I know this is my fault. I have done everything for him and giving up on so many times trying to stand my ground. I get really frustrated and exhausted. But every day I wake up hoping and trying to stay optimistic.

It impossible so far to get him to feel at peace and not be depressed by his lack of making friends and his resentment of himself when he acts up and gets mean. there is a breakdown then a sorry session after he naps or calms. he only truly gets mean to me, mom.

my heart is breaking. I don't want him on these meds anymore. that's a huge issue. Ive never been comfortable with it..but I get scared , he self harms.  I want to take control. I have the book 123 magic but I need more.

here is another  big deal... DADS house every weekend. its so different.. no discipline there he doesn't have rules much there at all ..his dad thinks I should " whoop his ass" which is ridiculous and physical discipline always backfired and made me and my son feel awful.

I am an emotional mess. trying to stop the behaviors I do that are me trying to fix my own sad childhood. I am trying hard to do whats right for my sweet boy. I baby  him too much. Ive done almost everything for him and I spend every night crying for years .

I just want him to be happy. Can I reverse what damage has been done and  can I be successful with this program without his dads help on the weekends?

I am going to re read these email and die from embarrassment . I will buy your 19.00 e book in 2 weeks when I get paid . I am anxious to get it.  That sounds ridiculous but its very tough for us at he moment and we are working on dollars a day. We will be just fine but just saying why I wont immediately.

How can I make this work with him being at dads Friday night through sunday day ?

I am going to try NOW to stop babying him. I have a ridiculous amount of guilt and depression and anxiety over all this. I haven't really been able to relax in the last six or seven years. I am 37. I am a professional face painter. My son is a good polite boy very smart but needs help learning to take care of himself. He still cant tie his shoes but is excellent at math and video games etc.

 sometimes we have tender moments. each day in fact but I want them to come before the storm not after. I am very interested in learning to prevent these melt downs and arguing days and to more importantly help my son learn to function on a level where he is proud of himself and can thrive.  

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Hi Mark

Thank you so much for all your posts,I find them very helpful!

My son is nearly 13 and displays very disrespectful behaviour to us,his parents,more so to me,his mother. He can be the sweetest,kindest,most beautiful soul at home and then out of the blue,he looks for a fight which often spirals completely out of control whereby he threatens the most horrible things and wishes he didn't have us as parents. He has thrown things at me,taking my phone and other possessions and hiding them if something is confiscated from him due to bad behavior. Most times the trigger is because of something he has no control over,like losing in his xbox game and others,less frequently,without any trigger. 

I am at my wits end and don't quite know how to deal with this behaviour. He is also a child you cannot teach anything to,such as tying his shoelaces,schoolwork etc, as he is easily frustrated triggering huge meltdowns. To people on the outside,my child is an angel...

Do you have any advice for us.

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Where are the resources for us?  My husband and I are sure that he has Asperger’s, but we can’t kind a dr.  in Kansas City that works with adults.  We are a textbook couple who deeply love each other and are looking for peace.  He loves me so much that he puts his obsessions aside to help me with the daily raising of our 5 year and 4 month old boys.  Both of which seem, we are pretty sure, to be NT.  But I can tell that it really takes a toll on my husband:  irritable, grumpy, snaps at me, retreats to the bedroom to watch tv, ect…  I have found that if I can introduce a routine for him, then he can participate in the new behavior that I need.

Can you help?  I have asked people at the Midwest autism center, in Boston, and around the US and can’t find much.  

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COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for Dec., 2015]

 Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

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Hi Mark

Thanks for the link to the teaching guide. Although our school system is very different to yours I think the advice will be most useful. In fact this is the most comprehensive information I have come across.

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Dr. Mark, I am writing you tonight after a harrowing day . Our adopted daughter Shelby,now 18, has ADHD and had a very bad childhood until we brought her in her six years ago. Sunday, she went to a walk in clinic with Mom for help for a bad case of poison
ivy. The Dr. prescribed a prednisone pack where she took six pills fist day five the next etc. Shelby went off the tracks, stole money and bought a tablet so that she could do Facebook [something banned in our house] . She was obviously acting guilty
about something, got caught and became violent. We have experienced her rage before, years ago, but with good counseling
she has learned how to stay and not run, engage and not retreat. When we went to the ER this morning, they told us that there
is no way that she should have been given prednisone. That it could cause psychotic episodes in some patients and that the stimulant should never be given on top of her regular course of ADHD meds. My wife was attacked and struck in the face.
I was literally thrown around by her slight frame. Me 240,she 115 lbs. We do not have psychiatrists here to prescribe. Waiting list
is six months unless we caught up $10,000 for a three day eval' at the local psychiatric hospital.  Shelby was finally psych tested
and she is slightly on the autism spectrum. Her brother has been assumed to have some asperger's . As we try and discover
what all of this means it should be said that we adopted her without knowing about all of these disabilities! Shelby was four years back in school and was recommended to NEVER take math again. Shelby graduated with honors this year,on time, and did four
years straight of straight A's in Math. She is a loving and willing child who is socially immature and wants to be NORMAL, so much so
that she is beginning to think that if she is not on social media she will be a freak. We need to be able to know that she is not dangerous or crazy . My wife is so terrified of what she will do next. I am a mess. Now that I have spilled about everything that
we are going through, do you have any take on this? Can we possibly get something from your program?
Thanks for your consideration.

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I have a son who has Aspergers and he is having a really hard time trying to get his drivers license. After several attempts with the lerners permit he finally passed. Well
 now we are going into his Fourth time for the drivers test. I have a friend helping him who deals with a lot of people with Aspergers and Autism and she has been a blessing.
Do you have any resources that I could go to? I have even explained this to the Instructors who are giving him the test but they really don't seem to care.. He is in College and needs
to have his license what can I do?

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After another night of troubled sleeping, I got up to
Look online for solutions to our problems, and found you.  We are at wits end, and hope you can help. We have a 16 year old boy, Nathan, with Aspergers.  He is a quirky boy, and we love that about him!  He has always been very smart, and he loves performing well. He has also enjoyed being challenged academically.  He's always been in the top of his class and takes great pride in that. Last year, we moved from PA to MO (his freshman year, and with his blessing). He had a great year academically (finishing 5 out of 420 students). We were so proud! However, he hasn't made any friends, but has always been a bit of a loner and it doesn't seem to bother him, since he doesn't seem to enjoy a lot of the things most teenagers do. He decided he wanted to improve his class rank, and taught himself Spanish 3 and algebra 2 over the summer so he could skip those classes. We did not think it to be a good idea at the time, but went through with it because he was so motivated. I don't know what has happened since then. His grades are now terrible (currently 2 D's and 2 F's). We have been working with the school officials, and they believe the course work is too intense  and would like to drop him back some classes. We have all tried to talk to him and reason with him, but he is so upset. His time management is awful! A lot of his work is not handed in. As his parents, should we force him to change his schedule? When he is working ( and not goofing off) it consumes most of his time. We've tried explaining that we want him to have a healthy balance between life and work, and we don't feel he is happy now. It is impossible to reason with him. We are also afraid of him going into a depression, which we have read happens to a lot of teens. We only have a week to make a decision. We originally were going to let him suffer the natural consequences of his decisions, but are heartbroken at the thought. To ight he had tears in his eyes which is unusual for him, so we feel so bad for him. Please share your thoughts.

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Hi,

I just want to be able to learn ways how to relate better with our 13 year old son who has used defiance to be able to get his way about video game playing.

We have not been imposing consequences strictly because our son has started to show disinterest in school. One time he just decided to not go to school saying he is so tired.

Now he uses every possible reason so he can play video games. Before he still observes the one hour a day video game rule. Now, he just dropped it.

Yesterday he was asking if we can give him a Steam gift card as a Christmas gift. When I told him me and his dad will talk about it first and he just needs to wait until then. He got so angry that he grabbed a chair and swung it against another chair. Then he went to play the video game. He stopped after 2 hours then went to bed. But when he started asking if he can get it and I said the same thing, he got back to the computer and played again. Now he is still on it and it is already 12:30 past midnight.

We have a holiday party tomorrow and he was saying he doesn't want to go to with us. If we leave him behind, he will just play again.

And it just reinforces the idea that he can go on this way and that he can be disrespectful to us.

Please share with me your thoughts and some ways that we can do to help our situation get better.

We are just concerned that if we impose the rules strictly or take the computer away, he might just say he doesn't want to go to school anymore.

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Dear Dr. Hutton,
 I am so very blessed to have found your information and youtube videos. My name is Leslie, and my brilliant husband, Vincent and I minister together in a personal ministry, and I am reaching out for help.
About 4 months ago, I just realized my husband has aspergers. He has not been officially diagnosed, and he has not accepted this fact. It is extremely clear to me, and I cannot tell you how relieved I have felt since learning so much about aspergers. I have finally been able to make sense of my husband, my life and our relationship.
However, my dear hubby has been extremely upset with me suggesting that he go see a doctor to get a diagnosis. I have tried several gentle and compassionate approaches, with fear and trembling I might add, in hopes that he will hear me out and do what needs to be done so we can continue growing together.  Looking back through our 22 years of marriage (we just "celebrated" our 22nd anniversary after Thanksgiving ( well... I celebrated) , and having 8 awesome children together, (yes- EIGHT ) ;) and one stepdaughter, I can tell you 100% that God has been providing His divine guidance for us all along. Vince has definitely come a long way…. a VERY Long Way!  But I am at a point in our marriage where we are not growing as I felt we should.  I mentioned earlier that my husband and I minister together. We have a personal ministry that seems to be growing more than we are, because of the knowledge and new ideas my hubby comes up with. I don't know if you are a Bible believer, please forgive me,  but the Bible is the most incredible book that never seems to have an end to new depths of revelation, and understanding. It truly is alive. This has been my husband's obsession, and its is an outstanding obsession.  However, there has to be a match with a person's character growth that goes along with their knowledge. And that is where I have a major problem dealing with my husband. We have been through several incredible healing ministry training schools, and have our certifications in each, and, of course, it has helped us tremendously in our personal relationship. (please see our website for more info. *( http://etzhayim.weebly.com/life-coaching-modalities-of-healing.html  )
However, Vince still has times of depression, or regression in his behavior, whether it be expressed through anger, extreme sensitivity to criticism, consistently having high automatic defense mechanisms, etc.  Sometimes I feel he is like a ticking time bomb. I have learned to be unbelievably careful with my words and responses.  There is no way in hades I would recommend anyone go through what I have gone through in the past 22 years to become the kind of people my husband and I have become… but for me, it definitely has been worth it! Truly transformational, and like the Bible says, Iron sharpens Iron. We are true soul mates and I believe fully in our marriage. 

So now, I am writing you because I have a problem. My problem is , because my husband and I are in ministry, and it is evident that he has a problem accepting himself, how can we honestly help people -with a pure heart- if we haven't dealt with our own serious issues? I feel like a hypocrite trying to counsel others. Vince truly is brilliant with the Word of God and his gifts are his unbelievable memory skills, excellent problem-solving skills, his practicality and reasoning, and loyalty. His weaknesses are he's diabetic, he is self-sabotaging, suffers from self-condemnation, thinks more and moves less (out of shape), has angry outbursts that are unpredictable, he's too often fighting within (flight or fight) , and he needs me too much to work for him (High Maintenance, kinda lazy ), and his criticism of me used to be unbearable, but he has cut down his criticism from 90% to 10%, which is a miracle . He is a Certified General real estate appraiser ( a perfect job for perfectionists who can do the mundane)  and this supports the family and ministry, and I do all the typing. It pays the bills, but we are not where we should be. So how do we move into our ministry and help others when I clearly see we have a problem? I understand that my hubby has been hiding the fact that he is different all his life, and he perceives this aspergers as a major threat to his character, and future even!   I am facing a huge challenge when dear Vince won't do the obvious to help himself?

To tell you a little about me, I am a very active Mom, a certified fitness & nutrition counselor, personal trainer, a former world class athlete in track & field,  and I love to coach kids. Vince and I are truly exact opposites. I truly "Feel" what others are feeling, I am a "Burden Bearer", I know what Vince is feeling when he doesn't even have a clue, and I have a terrible memory, and get easily distracted during work, terrible focus because I'm bored or uninspired! :P  ... So I really appreciate my husband. We are so very compatible, its unreal! But without having a true relationship with Jesus, I would not have made it this far…. no way! Anyone with a weaker heart would have possibly lost their minds.

Thank you so much for being there to help Dr. Hutton. I truly appreciate your advice or some insight that you are willing to provide. Thank you also for allowing me to share my story with someone I can trust. So far, no one is in my life that will Love my husband without judging him, and I have protected him by not involving my family with the many conflicts I have endured.  I will be buying your book as soon as I can.

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Mr. Hutten- We having a difficult time with our "defiant teen" with Asperger's.  I purchased your on-line book on the subject and we are following its instructions. We will see.  It is nice to just have some sort of guidance.  Connor, 14, had a been a star student up until this semester.  He had never gotten less than a 99% in any class until he just stopped.  He blames us for being too controlling, but we also suspect he was bullied at school. He has gotten so far behind this semester- refusing to turn in any work and leaving tests blank for the past 1 month that he will likely fail most of his classes.  We are trying to address the defiant teen and are planning on placing him in a school for aspergers (the Talisman in North Carolina) for a semester or two so he can work on social skills. –Scott

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Hi Mark,

I read some of the entries on your blog and relates strongly to the difficulties expressed by parents of adults with aspergers. I have a 47-year old daughter, Tanya, with aspergers. She is happily married with 3 wonderul teenage children (one has aspergers). She is very accomplished in her own business and brilliant. Unfortunately, she is extremely angry at me and has been pushing me away for a long time because my involvement in her life feels very painful to her.

I, on the other hand, am the 68-year old child of an alcoholic mother and lost my father at age 12, so I have my own issues that enter into this.

Without going into too much detail, our relationship is now in deep jeopardy and we need help to sort things out and come up with some techniques to help us get on an even keel.

Tanya said she would be willing to work with a psychologist over the phone (I live in NY—she's in PA) to get some help. Unfortunately that was Sunday—now she's ignoring my phone calls and emails.

I think we need to work with someone who understands aspergers and I think they're rare. I saw your forum and wondered if you have that expertise and if can help us or recommend another source for help.

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Here's the situation, we took away the laptop from our son after he has reacted violently to his request for a $20 video game gift card as a Christmas gift. I told him to wait until me and my husband has talked about it. He grabs a chair swings it against another chair and went to the room slams the door close and plays on the computer.

He has a one hour video game time rule per day. He goes past that by about 30 mins. He goes to bed and asks the same question again. I told him the same answer. He then gets out of bed and goes back to play video game until 3 AM. Due to my impatience, at some point before that I told him ok if you are not going to follow, you may play as much as you want now, but know that we will make tough decisions after. So he uses this as an excuse to keep playing all night. When my husband found out that he was still on it at 3 AM. He gets the computer and told him we are going to take the computer to the authorities and have them come for him if he doesn't obey.  That's the only time he went to bed.

Now he doesn't want to do anything. He didn't come to a party that we were supposed to go to the next day. He didn't go to a group mtg. for a school project. He doesn't want to go to his choir concert later this afternoon.

I am concerned that he might just say tomorrow that he will not go to school.

He has also always refused to go anywhere lately. It's been so hard to get him to do something or go somewhere even if these are necessary.

Please help us think through this and share with us ideas how to approach him in this situation.

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I dont know what to do about my over indulgence. I give her presents because she isnt motivated by social considerations. She has Aspergers she needs intelectual stimulation or she is acting out aggressively even. If I buy her things she gets occupied and interested in taking it apart and putting it back together. That means less fighting in my home (as a single mom) . Last night I didnt get her a present (usually $1 or $4) when i picked her up from her Dads visit... and she cried 40 minutes all the way home. I gave her a toy she hadnt used in a while and she through it at me and tried to jump out the other side of the car into traffic. That is so dangerous. I just want to appease her and not have her self injure. It is hard enough to get her buckled into a car seat (SPD issues).

She is not acting like this with others. She takes it all out on me. I read about an Emotional Link under Ligitmate reasons for parent child conflict. " Parent and kid get defensive when talking to one another
because there is an emotional link between the two. "
I am thinking of boarding school to save us both fighting. I dont know that I can live with that amount of conflict in my home. I am worth more that that as a person.

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Mr. Hutton,
I admire your work and helpful advice.  What are your thoughts on neurofeedback for teens with Aspergers?  My son Jeyden is 14 and I am at the end of my rope with him.  I do not know what else to do.  The defiant behavior, the detentions, suspensions, no hygiene, impulsivity, depression, blah,blah,blah.  I can't help him anymore and I feel like a horrible parent who is giving up but I am so tired.  I am ready to send him away to a behavioral therapy school or something!  I am becoming physically sick with psychiatrists, psychologists, social skills groups.....they don't help in the real world. 

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Thank you!  It explains a lot.  I really appreciate that.  Oddly, over all these 34+ years, I can see that I have taken on a whole lot of characteristics of someone with Aspergers, I’m assuming as a coping/avoidance mechanism.  But despite that, I still do “feel” differently, and so have different emotional needs on occasion, and that still causes problems with seemingly a cumulative frustration level.  But understanding helps a lot.  So again, thank you.

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Hi Mark. Thank you for your email. I have actually purchased your material for professional use. I am a Special Education Resource Teacher and as such, I am always looking for new strategies to support our students diagnosed with ASD. I will also share some of your tips with parents. One piece that you touch on that I feel very strongly about is the accountability piece. While we are doing a great job at flexing around our students' needs, we are often not spending enough time with the accountability and consequence piece in order to prepare our students to be law abiding citizens.
Please keep me in mind if you come across any specific activities or templates that can guide educators and parents in explicitly teaching this concept. I have already downloaded your article re Anger-Control Contracts and plan to put that to good use.

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Question:

Hello Mark again, My asperger's syndrome daughter has been putting up the silent act and ignoring us for the past 10 days because I confiscated her phone and computer recently. She continued to ignore us even after the phone and computer were returned to her after a specific 3-day period ended. Its difficult as some times we need to go out and have lunch or dinner and she is not joining us. In the end, she will just eat whatever left in the fridge. Other ways to start a positive communication with her failed too. She also ignores my wife and her younger sister. What should we do?


Answer:

As long as she is completing her required disciplinary period (in this case, 3 days), then ignore her ignoring. This is her attempt at pushing your button to get a reaction out of you. Stop reacting (e.g., by trying to get her engaged) -- then there's no payoff for her, and she will stop this tactic.

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Hello,

I’m autistic and in my final year of college. I’m working on my senior thesis in Anthropology. My thesis is about activism and the autistic community. I'm looking for people to participate in my surveys and I'm reaching out to My Aspergers Child to see if it is possible for you to promote my call for participants via the blog or in whatever way you see fit.

My surveys are fairly short and are able to be saved so that folks who need to can take a break and come back to them if needed. I have four different surveys set up. I can only use data from people who are legal adults (18+) because of the rules for undergraduate research in the US. Though, because your blog is for parents I don't think that should be an issue.

The survey for non-autistic parents or siblings of autistic people is located at http://goo.gl/forms/JEOSgjlJcu 

The survey for autistic adults who have autistic children is located at http://goo.gl/forms/5K8f0nyIU2 

The survey for non-autistic people who work with autistic people is located at http://goo.gl/forms/EfsA7eo7jg

 The survey for autistic adults (excluding those who have autistic children) is located at http://goo.gl/forms/Y4sxbQ8qM3

For people who take them, the surveys include space for suggestions. If you have questions about the project, please send me an email. Please let me know if you will be able to pass along the surveys.

Thank you for your time,

Denise Parry
dparry@pugetsound.edu

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Hi Mark,

This is probably my third or fourth email to you regarding my relationship with an Aspie. I hope I'm not bothering you. After dating for 18 months I've decided, reluctantly, to end my relationship. Here is why, and perhaps you can help me make sense of it all:

1.    He put me and "a bunch of other people" on mute/Do Not Disturb for over two weeks through Thanksgiving. Despite a few phone calls and over a hundred texts from me worrying about what happened, he thinks that I am the problem for texting so much. Even though he disappeared without any warning or discussion whatsoever.
2.    He has said repeatedly that he doesn't want a relationship, but doesn't want to see other people and wants to continue to see me. I have repeatedly told him this doesn't make sense and I don't understand. Even though he has called me his girlfriend a few times, on accident I think.

Even though I have decided to end it, he will not return my belongings from his home and has not repaided me money that he owes me. I have given him multiple chances to do both where we would not have to see each other. I want a quick and simple ending to our relationship (though he never called it that).

Any advice?

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How can i have a better relationship with my ODD/ADHD/Asperger's 11 yo son? (I only include all the diagnosis so you have an idea of what I am dealing with - I am trying hard to see my son as much more than his diagnosis.)  I don't know if I should want to be friends, but I want better than what I have now. Thanks for your great web site,
SO very helpful.

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Hi Mark,

I'm in Melbourne, Australia and came across your site recently.  Our 17 year old Aspie son is out of control and we have next to no communication with him preferring to lock himself in the study to play computer games all day. He doesn't leave the room and his schooling is suffering because he is addicted to online games so refuses to do homework.  No part time job, no outside interests and he believes his online friends are his family.

We have at times turned the internet off to teach him a lesson when he refuses to do chores he promised to do but when we do he becomes a raging bull and damages our house and becomes physical towards us.  We have called the police on a few occasions after he has physically attacked us.  We live in fear and our family is falling apart.

I read one of your newsletters and see other parents are in the same boat as us.  We realize that with him turning 18 in 6 months time we have to show some tough love but there is no way he could cope in the real world.  That will entail taking removing the internet modem and cancelling his pocket money until he does what he is told and shows respect towards his family.

I don't know any other way to go about this and wanted to speak to either you or someone you could recommend here in Australia before I go down this path.  I know this will get really ugly and I fear the consequences but it just has to be done once and for all.  If not, he just retreats back to the study and plays games with his so called online family.  Before I do this I need to know I'm doing this the correct way from the start. Can you please help us.

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My son just turned 11. He likes to hoard junk like scraps of paper and trinkets. Lately he has been stealing things like glitter, markers, and money. He then uses them inappropriately and gets in trouble at school. He has great difficulty problem solving. One on one he is a great, well mannered, interesting child. When left alone for even a few minutes it seems he chooses to do just the thing that he isn't suppose too. The psychologist seems to think the stealing is impulsive and yet he waited until my mother left the room to take money from inside her purse. This seems very calculated to me. I have researched this and found many asperger children tend to steal, but I haven't found anyone that has dealt with it successfully. What do you recommend?

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I have a 20 year old who is very high IQ and graduated from college at age 17, cum laude--BS in Biology.  He then began to change. He always seemed very mature, but then things changed . It seems as if he just developed Aspergers, but maybe we missed the signs due to his high IQ.  I am a mess and don't know what to do.  He has very high goals and wanted to go to dental school but didn't put much effort into the DAT exam, so then he decided to go to Chiropractic school like his parents. He then failed out of the first school after one year--he had many excuses and we blamed the school and living alone in another state at age 18.  He then took 9 months off to recoup and he was very lazy and always late.  He went to another chiropractic school and is flunking again!  He seems very distressed.  I am so sad, because he really seems to want to succeed but has no idea why he isn't. I know he doesn't have time management skills and doesn't go to bed at night. He says he is socially awkward and had trouble adjusting to his new living arrangements with a roommate.  I feel terrible for his struggle but his father is very mad at him for flunking again.  He will be returning home next week and I know he will be very depressed and down on himself and there will be stress in the house.  His local friends are bad influences.  What do we do if we try your methods of discipline and he just has a friend come and pick him up and he leaves the house?    What do you do then?

Thank you for your time, I am trying to cram as much info in before he gets home as possible. 

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My son who is 19 now is diagnosed bi-polar and has substance abuse issues.  He was charged on some felony charges for theft with assault, (which we know he was present, but not sure if he used any weapons or force) with 2 other boys and he went to a hearing and the Judge gave him a sentence of 15 years.  He has had some problems with the law in the past, but nothing this severe.

Unfortunately, our county decided since there were 3 incidents, the charges got trumped up to engagement with organized crime.  Now, that he's in the Texas prison system is there anyway to try to get the sentence reduced.  I don't think we can appeal it.  

Yes, my son made bad choices.  A lot of it had to do with his not being on his meds for bi-polar, and being only 17 and 18 at the time.  I hate to see him have to do THIS much time.  I could have understood a year or a few years, but 15????  

I've contacted politicians, but not much response there.

Do I just need to accept the sentence?

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This is probably not something you normally would get involved with, but I am reaching out to Asperger’s support groups on the web in hopes of finding aid for our campaign.  A coworker of ours, and single mother of 5 is struggling right now both with affording a happy Christmas for her children, and raising a teenager with Asperger’s who is going through those tough early teen years when everyone is dating and he is struggling with the social demands.  Very talented, and highly interested in Science and Computers, a group of her coworkers thought it would be nice to start a fund for her son to get him the equipment he could use to get into Computer Programming as well as provide the family with their first ever home computer.  This is something she would never be able to afford to do.

If you have the time, please check out our GoFundMe campaign: https://www.gofundme.com/aspergerscomputer

And if there is any other form of support for this mother that you all can offer, we’d love to hear it!

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Good Afternoon, Dr. Hutten,

I found your website this morning and have read a few articles and watched several of your videos.  I am interested in a buying a book that will provide the most impact quickly. Can you recommend a book after reviewing my situation?

My 14 year old daughter has Asperger's. She has always had defiant behaviors and the techniques we are currently using have reduced the ugly behaviors (arguing, back talking, self-injury, and destructive of property). She is very unrealistic and clueless would be the best word to describe her in a nut shell. She does have obsessions, currently it is her futuristic goals that quite frankly are very unrealistic. 

She and I got into an argument yesterday and she ran away last night; this is the first time she has done this. She did have the mindset to pack a backpack with clothing, a few items of food, and used her bike. Thankfully, we found her about a mile from our home an hour after we noticed she was missing at 10:00 pm. She is remorseful, but does not understand the seriousness of her actions.

She and I are together 24/7 because we homeschool her due to her inability to function in the public school setting (anxiety, bullied, poor social skills, heightened sensory problems, and inflexibility). Since being homeschooled for 2 years, she is now on grade level in the 9th grade and enjoys learning. The downside is we get on each other's nerves. Mostly, she gets on mine and I lose my patience with her sometimes because its hard to handle all of her differences day after day. I work from home as well and this provides additional challenges. My husband and I are in agreement on how to manage her behaviors, but it's very, very exhausting and frustrating.

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I need your help/advice!!  My son knows he’s adopted.  However, he also has Asperger’s and I don’t think he quite understands. He is very sweet and has a soft heart. His adoption is complicated.  It was local and his birth family know about him but have NOT been in his life and are not good influences.

They are drug addicts and liars. Just today they sent me a Facebook message asking to see him.  This is out of the question!!!  However, I worry if they see him out, they will approach him.

He has a 13 yr old biological sister who has approached my niece (11yrs old) and told her she was Will’s sister.  This confused my niece, she asked her Mom and her Mom explained to her.

What do I do?  Do I prepare Will for this possibility?  Do I tell him they are not nice people?  Risk the chance they could somehow speak to him at a school event, or other time a parent is not around?

With social media this problem is more and more a possibility.  (Although he is NOT on social media).

I really appreciate your time and consideration!  Thank you so much!!

A concerned Mother!

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Mr. Hutten-

My 7th grader is having great difficulty transitioning to middle school.  Not socially, but academically.  I question the confusing fiction book assigned in English.  He quickly picked up on how inappropriate it was when in the first chapter the father strangles the mother to death.  The math unit is too fast paced.  The science review sheets are beyond overwhelming and even my Ph. D level scientist friend could not believe how much was required they cover and how abstract the wording was.  Most of all I find the lack of workbooks and push to everything computers particularly frustrating.The multi passwords to get to teachers pages and assignments is aggravating and if there is one glitch- he's done.  I feel there is just not a curriculum set up for how these kids learn.  What is your feeling about this and do you have any tips I can share with his teachers?

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Hi Mark. I've been receiving your email Q&A for a few months now, which has helped me greatly as the proud grandma of my very intelligent, creative, beautiful 7 yr old Leah and her 4 yr old brother, Jacob. I'm struggling with trying to help their mom, my daughter-in-law Natasha, to comprehend and accept that at least Leah (and possibly Jacob) may fall on the Aspergers spectrum. Leah's dad, my 37 year old son, Adam, most likely also falls within the spectrum, although he was never formally diagnosed. He presented many similar traits as a child, but persevered through the tough times (with my unyielding support) and now functions very well as an adult, with a good job as an Intel Engineer, a good marriage and a love for his kids that defies his logic! He and I have discussed my concerns re Leah, who melts down regularly, but her mom believes it all to be behavioral issues, as Leah functions quite well at school (then falls apart as soon as she gets home).

I should note that Mom is culturally predisposed to resisting anything that might be considered a mental weakness (she's from Moldova) but she loves her family with everything that she has in her, and I believe she will be Leah's strongest advocate should this prove to be the case. I just convinced her to have Leah's pediatrician examine her (Natasha now suggests that it might be a physical infection, i.e. PANDAS) and hopefully use this to make a referral for a neuropsych evaluation. Natasha responds well to medical authority, so I'm hoping the physician will address the possibility...and then I can come alongside.

Long story short, I'm taking advantage of your 3 for 1 book offer and will order The Comprehensive Guide, but have no idea which other two to choose. Likely the Meltdown and School books (I don't remember the exact titles), I think? Can you make a recommendation? Of course, I pray that Leah does not have Autism, but perhaps this info will help with her behavioral issues anyway. Can you advise me as to how I might offer/share with Natasha this information? I have lots more questions regarding routine/rules/control, rigidity, anxiety, shyness, adversity to loud noise, and the like, but I won't take anymore of your time. Thank you for the service and support you provide to these parents. Btw, I have a young man (Ryan) boarding with my husband and I, who is struggling with his marriage due to his own Aspergers issues, so I am trying to help him too! Being a woman of faith, I truly believe that God placed Ryan in our path to open my eyes to the struggles that my own family has endured, and I intend to see this through for my beloved Leah.

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QUESTION:

Hi Mark,

My name is Catherine and I was in a 6 year relationship with my partner until recently. I was not made aware of AS until very recently (a week before our break up) and considered it may have been a plausible explanation as to why certain things happened. After extensive research, I am beginning to think he did have AS. 

My situation is abit different to the ones you have described in your e-book as most of these couples have already been married and only discovered it after the marriage and want to avoid divorce. I was engaged to him for more then a year, our wedding was meant to be the end of next month. However the past year has made me question alot of his actions where I had to think seriously to myself "If this is him, am I able to handle this for the rest of my life?"

Basically the normal questions one goes through when fast approaching nuptials. In our 6 years together, there were things I always found.. illogical and abnormal to my way of thinking. At first I thought that maybe it was our different upbringings or the fact he's a different type of guy etc etc. However it was all brushed aside and I continuously tried to "work" on us and eventually he would get my message across after months of having the same argument. It was only when my grandfather passed away recently that I found his response to it all VERY peculiar. 

That night, I knew he was out with an old work colleague discussing potential business. I messaged him to let him know my grandfather had passed away. He didnt respond until 2 hours later. This I was fine with as I knew that possible he didnt have reception or something of the sort, however I did hope that he would send some condolences or empathy or even a call once he did receive the message. 

His response was inappropriate needless to say. He replied to me saying "F***. Sh**. Sad baby! Sobs. Is there prayer?" I replied in a calm manner wondering what he meant by all this. 3hours later when I left the hospital he still had not responded to me or called me and I became impatient and annoyed. I messaged him saying "Are you serious?" And he didnt reply until an hour later asking if I was still at the hospital. 

I messaged him the next day explaining how he made me feel and he just became annoyed and defensive. It wasnt until a day or two later when he sought help from his parents that it seemed that he understood what was required of him in this situation. I did consider the fact that maybe because he had never experienced a loss of death in his life that he could not empathise. However I thought back to all our arguments where I could never seem to get him to understand my point of view until I do something drastic like threaten to give up and leave him that he would reassess and come back to me two days later saying he thinks he understands how I felt etc.

Needless to say, our arguments took its toll on me. I had a close male friend in which I was speaking to about our problems and he seems to understand me and empathise with me. I was so frustrated with my partner I avoided speaking to him about any issues. Eventually, it felt like my relationship with this friend was going beyond friendship. I started to compare the two people and couldn't understand. I used to attribute all of my partners "flaws" to him being male. But here was this other man that didn't seem to need any direction or didn't need to be TAUGHT or told how I was feeling. 

Although I became very close with this friend, I never crossed the physical line, he did once kiss me. I didn't want to hurt his feelings because at this stage I did not know if I wanted to pursue this or not and give up on my relationship. I didn't stop him but neither did I let him prolong it. 

Because of my partners aggressive nature, I was afraid to bring this up with him and unable to figure out how I would explain to him why I was getting close to someone else. I kept this from him and lied to him when he asked about the day that I went out. (Mind you we dont live together) A mutual friend spotted me that day and wrote a letter to my partner telling him I was cheating on him. 

I felt guilty and admitted I thought it was a form of emotional cheating. To cut the story short, the wedding is now cancelled and he says he is still deciding if he wants to pursue this relationship. Whilst I feel like, I still want to be in this relationship, I dont know whats going through his head or how it amy work.. From what i read, it seems as if he did just get very angry and unreasonably so (3weeks after the letter and he was still getting angry) and according to his parents, he seems to just shutdown when tried to be spoken to. 

He immerses himself in his 3 favourite hobbies, work, guitar and watching football. As the NT this is hard for me because I dont know whether to move on or to wait for him to go through his process. Neither do I know if he will get tested. I am willing to be with him despite the diagnosis but I fear that he will not realise that he had a play in pushing me away as well, especially since he has great difficulty seeing another person point of view also. 

For a while I thought maybe it was just the way I explained things, however I did speak to his best friend and when he was going through a break up, he found that my partner seemed to say "stupid suggestions" and not really seem to understand how he felt either. 

My question is, what is the normal process for an Aspie when processing an event like this? I am aware it takes alot more time for them to process then a NT person. But I dont know how to predict his thought process...

ANSWER:

RE: My question is, what is the normal process for an Aspie when processing an event like this?

I would say he is most likely "scared off" at this point (lost trust in you and himself). So, he may go deeper into his distractions (obsessions) as a way to cope. Blaming you would be another "normal" Aspie-thing to do. Thus, he can justify the breakup. Also, he may simply not have the skills to mend fences at this point. One has to be quite socially skilled to undue the damage that has been done in this case.

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Hello
I was fortunate enough to come across your Asperger’s blog and found it to have great information about Asperger’s. Thank you for your efforts to help raise awareness about the detrimental effects of this disorder!

My name is Rudy Rodriguez and I am contacting you on behalf of Dr. Velkoff of the Drake Institute (http://www.drakeinstitute.com) of Behavioral Medicine, a Southern California based medical practice that provides effective nondrug treatment for Asperger’s. Drake’s Co-Founder and Medical Director, Dr. David Velkoff, is an expert in diagnosing and treating Asperger’s, and has offered safe, effective non-drug treatment programs for over 35 years now!

He has expressed an interest in speaking with you about Asperger’s. If you’re interested in sharing an expert’s opinion about diagnosing and evaluating Asperger’s, as well as in finding effective treatment for Aspergers’, then I think you would find a conversation with him to be extremely useful!

Dr. Velkoff has even mentioned that he’d be open to doing a type of Q&A session with you or your audience, and answering any questions about the disorder, its impact on the family, treatment options, etc.

Please let me know if you’re interesting in having a conversation or an email discussion with Dr. Velkoff. If you are, I’d be more than happy to provide you with his contact information so you can reach out to him directly.

Best Regards,

Rudy Rodriguez

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Hello, 

My daughter is high functioning ASD/ Aspergers diagnosed since she was 3.  We've worked with assistance groups in my area and have had mild success.

As she's getting older and evolving I find so is her ASD.  Lately her twisting of logic, her quick negative downward spiral and her inability to self regulate in large groups is a concern.  I'm at a loss here. I'm in the works of contacting Kerry's place but I already know of the long wait lists and was hoping maybe you could offer some insight.  I find my daughter to be such a beautiful soul and caring individual but I'm frustrated when these times occur.

I'll be honest, just reading what to do doesn't always help myself.  My learning style has always been hands on and I find it difficult to translate theories into real life situations.

I did notice that on your website it was written in a way that seemed realistic and clearer than I've read before on other sites.  So here I am contacting you in hopes of some real useable strategies.

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Thanks for the reply Mark,

I was wondering, when you say "at this point" are you referring to at this point in time? Or you mean that now the damage is done, there is no repair? 

To me, I feel like he has many Aspergic traits however he has managed to "learn" various social traits. In terms of relationships, probably hasnt learnt much regarding breakups and how to deal with them. I was his first girlfriend and his first love. 

In a situation like this, most NT would worry about their partner meeting someone else, moving on etc and although Ive been told by family and loved ones the same thing, I dont feel like he will move on that easily. 

He is a highly intelligent being when it comes to his interests and his field of work. However socially, I do feel like he is underdeveloped. I used to put this on lack of experience but now Im considering its an AS trait. 

He agreed to go to counselling (separate and together) after the new year when he says he thinks he's "calmed down". Is there a way for me or the counsellor to bring up the possibility of him getting tested for Aspergers? A week before he was given the letter, we did discuss he may have AS and that he should get diagnosed however, after this incident, I dont think the diagnosis would cross him mind. 

To me, my parents and his parents theyre starting to think he's strange and "insane". I couldnt explain to them my theory of him having AS. But the way he's dealing with the situation makes me more and more convinced of the possibility. 

So, is there anything I can do to make things better or amend this? He says he needs time and space if I respect him (Is this something Aspies value dearly? To deal with this on their own in their own way?) However as a NT, Im fighting urges to send him loving msgs, and a xmas gift to show I still care etc. I have a feeling he will view this as an intrusion as opposed to a loving gesture.

If I do give him space, how long do you think is an acceptable amount of time. No person wants to be stuck in limbo wondering what their sentence will be. As patient as I am, I am finding it difficult to "live life" when all I think about is how he is. 

Finally, once an Aspie's "walls" are up, what is the best way to get through to them and bring them down? What do they view as loving and devoted? 

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Hi Mark

I have just started receiving your e-newsletters and am wanting to buy your on line e-book about parenting defiant teens but am a little skeptical, moreso about my own abilities to follow through than on the content of your e-book.

Would you please walk beside me for a few moments?

Our son stopped attending elementary school in February of 2013 (grade 8) due to bullying and a host of other reasons and it wasn't until June of that year that he received his ASD diagnosis.  We sent him to a new secondary school where none of his peers were going and for the reason of their tech program.  Grade 9 was a stellar year and he was on the honour roll academically.  Things started to slip in grade 10 and some non-understanding teachers made him avoid and consequently in semester 2 he was only attending 2 out of 4 classes and had to go to summer school to make up a credit, which he did.  

But since January of 2015 his ability to fall asleep has been horrible and all the traditional sleep hygiene techniques have not helped...nor has melatonin, nor has an anti-anxiety med.  He claims not to fall asleep before 5 a.m.

He made it through the first week of school this September and has not been back since.  A team has a list of options prepared but with this sleep issue at the forefront of his troubles, I don't know which comes first, the chicken or the egg.

The positives?  We befriended a vet tech with aspergers who leads dog agility classes and he faithfully took our dog to those for 8 weeks over the fall one night a week.  

He wanted to sign up for Track 3 skiing (where a one on one instructor is provided) for the 3rd year in a row.  Keep fingers crossed for snow.

He has very agreeable moments.

The negatives?  He has not gone trap and skeet shooting with his dad for over 9 weeks - his favourite activity.  They went to the club to volunteer the other day but he was unable to go the following day.  In the last week he has been defiant to the point of meltdown on 3 occasions and his response when calm is always that he is feeling anxious.

He says all the right things...he wants to go to school, he wants to clean his room, etc. but there is a disconnect and he either avoids or procrastinates and then does very little.

Overall the psychologist has been great but I don't feel she gets where we're at right now.  The same with the family doctor who keeps prescribing more exercise for a teen who can't walk the dog faithfully with his father 5 nights a week.

I feel abused, disrespected and angry when not crying at my lack of effective parenting.  I know both my husband and I are guilty of caving to his requests when he is good and reversing decisions made out of frustration.  

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Hi Mr Hutton,

I'm confused about something and need your help.  Let me give you a little background info first.

My Undiagnosed Aspie husband and I have been married 5 years.  I am Christian, he is not.  His usual way of dealing with issues in the marriage is to leave.  The last time he was gone 1&1/2 years.  He's been home a year.  This September he began his stonewalling routine and then moved out a week before thanksgiving.  Every time he does this he says it's over, then that he loves me and wants to get back together, then we do marriage counseling, everything's going great (except the sex) and then the downward spiral into stonewalling hell begins, at which point he leaves.  Of course it's always all my fault (eye roll).  So, he has said he wants a divorce and doesn't want to work on the marriage, which is what he usually says, and I have avoided unnecessary contact with him.

He just sent me a text today discussing how our children will be dividing Christmas between us (his adult children from another marriage and my 17 yr old daughter from another marriage), and wishing me a Merry Christmas and a safe trip out of state.  I realize he is reaching out.  However, this is the first time I've dealt with this knowing he's an Aspie.  How do I go about this?  I feel God is asking me to pray for him and marital restoration again.

Can you explain why this keeps happening and how I should go about handling it?

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Hi Mark,

I subscribe to your newsletter and have downloaded your Ebook. The information has been very helpful.  I have a 17 year old son that has recently been diagnosed as HF Aspergers.  He has recently returned from a Wilderness Therapy Program, EVOKE in Bend, Oregon.  They performed the complete Neuropsychological testings and ruled out a Bi Polar 2 diagnosis.  

We live in Los Angeles and I would like to find a Behavioral Therapist specialist for social skills training and therapy now that he’s back home.

Can you recommend someone? We live in the Hancock Park Area of Los Angeles.

Thank you,

Donna

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Dear Dr. Hutton, 

 I am so very blessed to have found your information and youtube videos. My name is Leslie, and my brilliant husband, Vincent and I minister together in a personal ministry, and I am reaching out for help. 

About 4 months ago, I just realized my husband has aspergers. He has not been officially diagnosed, and he has not accepted this fact. It is extremely clear to me, and I cannot tell you how relieved I have felt since learning so much about aspergers. I have finally been able to make sense of my husband, my life and our relationship. 

However, my dear hubby has been extremely upset with me suggesting that he go see a doctor to get a diagnosis. I have tried several gentle and compassionate approaches, with fear and trembling I might add, in hopes that he will hear me out and do what needs to be done so we can continue growing together.  Looking back through our 22 years of marriage (we just "celebrated" our 22nd anniversary after Thanksgiving ( well... I celebrated) , and having 8 awesome children together, (yes- EIGHT ) ;) and one stepdaughter, I can tell you 100% that God has been providing His divine guidance for us all along. Vince has definitely come a long way…. a VERY Long Way!  But I am at a point in our marriage where we are not growing as I felt we should.  I mentioned earlier that my husband and I minister together. We have a personal ministry that seems to be growing more than we are, because of the knowledge and new ideas my hubby comes up with. I don't know if you are a Bible believer, please forgive me,  but the Bible is the most incredible book that never seems to have an end to new depths of revelation, and understanding. It truly is alive. This has been my husband's obsession, and its is an outstanding obsession.  However, there has to be a match with a person's character growth that goes along with their knowledge. And that is where I have a major problem dealing with my husband. We have been through several incredible healing ministry training schools, and have our certifications in each, and, of course, it has helped us tremendously in our personal relationship. (please see our website for more info. *( http://etzhayim.weebly.com/life-coaching-modalities-of-healing.html  )

However, Vince still has times of depression, or regression in his behavior, whether it be expressed through anger, extreme sensitivity to criticism, consistently having high automatic defense mechanisms, etc.  Sometimes I feel he is like a ticking time bomb. I have learned to be unbelievably careful with my words and responses.  There is no way in hades I would recommend anyone go through what I have gone through in the past 22 years to become the kind of people my husband and I have become… but for me, it definitely has been worth it! Truly transformational, and like the Bible says, Iron sharpens Iron. We are true soul mates and I believe fully in our marriage.  

So now, I am writing you because I have a problem. My problem is , because my husband and I are in ministry, and it is evident that he has a problem accepting himself, how can we honestly help people -with a pure heart- if we haven't dealt with our own serious issues? I feel like a hypocrite trying to counsel others. Vince truly is brilliant with the Word of God and his gifts are his unbelievable memory skills, excellent problem-solving skills, his practicality and reasoning, and loyalty. His weaknesses are he's diabetic, he is self-sabotaging, suffers from self-condemnation, thinks more and moves less (out of shape), has angry outbursts that are unpredictable, he's too often fighting within (flight or fight) , and he needs me too much to work for him (High Maintenance, kinda lazy ), and his criticism of me used to be unbearable, but he has cut down his criticism from 90% to 10%, which is a miracle . He is a Certified General real estate appraiser ( a perfect job for perfectionists who can do the mundane)  and this supports the family and ministry, and I do all the typing. It pays the bills, but we are not where we should be. So how do we move into our ministry and help others when I clearly see we have a problem? I understand that my hubby has been hiding the fact that he is different all his life, and he perceives this aspergers as a major threat to his character, and future even!   I am facing a huge challenge when dear Vince won't do the obvious to help himself? 

To tell you a little about me, I am a very active Mom, a certified fitness & nutrition counselor, personal trainer, a former world class athlete in track & field,  and I love to coach kids. Vince and I are truly exact opposites. I truly "Feel" what others are feeling, I am a "Burden Bearer", I know what Vince is feeling when he doesn't even have a clue, and I have a terrible memory, and get easily distracted during work, terrible focus because I'm bored or uninspired! :P  ... So I really appreciate my husband. We are so very compatible, its unreal! But without having a true relationship with Jesus, I would not have made it this far…. no way! Anyone with a weaker heart would have possibly lost their minds. 

Thank you so much for being there to help Dr. Hutton. I truly appreciate your advice or some insight that you are willing to provide. Thank you also for allowing me to share my story with someone I can trust. So far, no one is in my life that will Love my husband without judging him, and I have protected him by not involving my family with the many conflicts I have endured. 

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Hey,

I am interested in ordering your ebook. I just wanted to know how this is gonna look on the credit card statement or paypal receipt.

My wife and I are at the end of world war three here and I can't purchase anything that has a title like dealing with an AS spouse without angering the beast. She doesn't think she has it, though she knows our stepson does.

This year, among other things I bought my wife a car. Paid cash. After giving everything I had to give and seeing no change, I literally had a seizure while driving, and wrecked my truck, luckily at only 5mph. It was my first seizure. Still no change except that I am not allowed to drive for six months.

Actually after changing plans for our anniversary to fit her interest, baseball she told me that if I had died she would go after the catcher.   She now has a shirt that says I "heart" the catcher, Perez. And sees no issue with it.

 Meanwhile ..going on 6 months with zero(slightly less than normal) intimacy for me.

I am pretty much done grieving and I accept that she will likely never change. I need to change myself in order to survive this. I am open to pretty much anything though she may he on her own with baseball for a while. ;)

Thanks for letting me vent. No one really understands. I just look needy or insecure, which further damages my self esteem.
I am trying to stick this out for the kids but an affair is coming very soon if something doesn't change.

Is there some way to get this without her knowing what it is? We share an account. I told her I was going to donate $20 to feeding america just before I saw your book so the amount will go unnoticed as long as it says nothing about aspbergers....

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Dear Mark Hutten,

I am reaching out to you all because I am currently conducting my dissertation research through the Child, Family, and School Psychology program at the University of Denver on the topic of the sexuality education of high functioning adolescent students with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).  I very much want to include parent/caregiver voices in my research, and am hoping to locate 5-10 parents/caregivers of high functioning adolescents with ASD to participate in my study.  I am wondering if any parents involved with My Aspergers Child would be interested in participating.

The purpose of this research is to develop guidelines for the sexuality education of high functioning adolescent students with ASD.  To date, there are few resources available that provide guidance on the sexuality education of students with ASD.  Through parent/caregiver insight and the joint effort of other participants, I hope to identify the key components of successful sexuality education of high functioning adolescent students with ASD.  The participants in this study include parents/caregivers of high functioning adolescent students with ASD, researchers and/or authors of sexuality education and ASD materials, and school psychologists who work with high functioning adolescents with ASD in a public school.  This is an important, but under researched area in the field.

For the purposes of this research, an adolescent is considered a student between the ages of 11-21 who is currently enrolled as a student between grades 6-12.  High functioning refers to students who have average to above average intelligence and verbal communication abilities.

  

Study participation involves completing three or more rounds of electronic questionnaires over a period of approximately three to four months.  Participant answers will be anonymous throughout the life of the study.  If participants would be interested in reading the results, I would be happy to send them upon completion of the study. 

If you or anyone affiliated with My Aspergers Child are interested, the Round 1 Questionnaire can be accessed here:  https://udenver.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_cVitTWAK5guK22N

Thank you for your time, and please let me know if I can answer any questions!

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Hello,
  I am wondering if your book would be helpful for me and my 23 year old Asperger son. Though he is living in an apartment and attending college, he still has major problems with motivation. He is very resistant to reasonable expectations - like taking a daily shower and keeping his apartment at least semi-clean. I live about 2 hours away and visit him every few weeks. He still spends many hours a day wasting time on the Internet and has no motivation to get a job or think about the future. Can your approach work for a child no longer living at home with a parent? I am desperate to help him mature into a responsible, financially independent adult.

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Thanks for this. Before we start I'd like to check if there's anything different we should do with our son. He was diagnosed only when we took him to see a specialist at the age of 18. He's now 22 but displays much of the typical teenage behaviour you describe. With that in mind we hope your book will be the help we need but have so far been unable to find. However, being slightly older may require something a little different. He's also 6' 5" so physical restraint (if any is advised - haven't read far enough to know yet) will be impossible to achieve.

Anyway, we'll work through your book and see how we get on.

Copying in my husband, John, so he has your contact details, too.

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Dear Mr. Hutten

I apologize in advance for the length of this email. I think after reading your ebook, a lot has become clearer and I've had some things pent-up for a while that are so clearly hitting me.  Thank you for your insightful and approach. It doesn't fix my problem, but it gives me hope that this is "something" and we can attempt to tackle it. 

Here's my story:

For 25 years now I’ve just thought it was me—mostly because he has been masterful at turning it on me.  Denying, turning the conversation so far from the original topic or using the reason “I just thought it was best” or “I was just trying to be nice.”

After talking with our pastor’s wife yesterday about potentially leaving him, I think I finally realized this morning that this is not an incident in a marriage – like an affair or some one-time thing—that can be fixed or addressed and you try to move on—change or not do the behavior anymore.  This is about how he thinks—how his mind works and is wired.  Truly how he sees the world.

I have been told by two counselors (one most recently) that my husband has signs and symptoms of Asperger’s (with minor/possible passive narcissism).  I guess what that means finally hit me today when I was researching it on the internet and stumbled across your book and video portions.

He had a very successful career for 33 years in law enforcement. During that time, it was easy for me to justify his ‘turning off his emotions’ due to the job.  At the same time I was busy working full-time, doing all the housework, chores, finances and raising two children—these activities kept me too busy to realize what was really happening. 

Two years ago, he retired and we moved back to the Midwest where I am from.  Since then all the behaviors have become magnified. Behaviors like:

·        We got this marriage book to work on our marriage. One topic was empathy. When we came to the topic he told me he had never heard the word and didn’t understand what it meant.  I was dumb-founded…
·        We had a discussion even this morning and the point was that he didn’t tell me about a financial decision he made the day before. When I said he had mentioned something to me about a month ago, instead of seeing the problem as not communicating with me about the decision, he debated that it wasn’t a month ago (the time-frame mattered more).  He further stated that I just didn’t hear him—that he had thought he told me (he really thought he told me). We have lots of conversations with contradictory stories that ultimately go on and on and end up way off topic.
·        In 25 years of marriage, he has initiated sex once, maybe twice. We have had sex maybe 60 times in our entire marriage—a few more times in a year than normal when we were trying to have children, but generally maybe once or twice a year.
·        Two years ago our son was on floor, sobbing having a very difficult time with a terrible situation. I am on the floor comforting him.  He walks into the room and literally walks OVER him. Did NOT even notice his sobbing or that there was an issue. 
·        After he retired recently, I worked two jobs while I was diagnosed with two auto-immune diseases that kept me from (literally) walking or getting up—he watched every day and just went about his daily activities (went to the gym, watched movies).  All he would say is “I feel bad for you” as if disconnected from me.
·        We went on a date; I was in heels dressed up. My sister and her husband were in front of us holding hands but he didn’t even notice and just walked around downtown and observed as if there alone and really intrigued by the city—almost oblivious to the fact that I was there.
·        He recently sent an email to an acquaintance (he met this individual maybe three/four times) he knew was going through a tough time. He invited him to coffee and told him he would listen if the person wanted to vent.  A week prior I had to ask him to sit down with his 22-year old son, who was home on break, and chat with him. When I asked him how he could have coffee with this person and appear to be caring he said “because it doesn’t mean anything and it’s the right thing to do.” 

o   He knows how to put on the appropriate social appearances as if “textbook.”

·        Has brought home the wrong items from the grocery store multiple times—in multiples. For example, on one trip, he brought home 3 of the wrong juices, 3 of the wrong Pop-Tarts, and 2 of the wrong applesauce brands.  He had to get them off the shelf, put them on the conveyor for check-out, pack them, unpack them and put them on the shelf in our pantry – he didn’t even notice he picked the wrong ones.  He admitted to going into a convenience store, grabbing what he thought was a water only to get to the checkout and realize it was Sprite.  In these, and other repeated incidents—he really didn’t realize he had purchased or was about to purchase the wrong thing.
·        He is obsessed with news and sports scores for baseball.  Watches or reads at least 3-6 newspapers several times per day. Yet, he can’t sit with me for 15 minutes to discuss anything.
·        I have done all the grocery shopping, finances and raising of the children.  We don’t talk about finances or the children unless I bring it up.  He recently started grocery shopping but now it’s as if 1. He’s been doing it forever; 2. He doesn’t really share what he’s doing. He’ll make the list and do everything himself. 
·        He was a very successful police officer—really admired by many; pretty much because he knew the right things to say and do because it was very “black & white.”   He was told by many individuals that he was/is a very black/white person.
·        After many years of discussing topics and coming to what I thought was mutual agreement on a plan of action, he would go his own way without telling me or negotiating a different solution to what we had agreed upon. He would discount this until Has admitted openly to me recently (finally) that “he thinks he knows best.” Period. No debating—in his mind, he truly believes he has the right course of action—no collaboration, no partnering, etc.  When confronted—it was turned back onto me that I just didn’t see that he “was just doing what was best.”
·        I told him once I didn’t want a surprise party for my 50^th birthday because instead I wanted to get my teeth corrected. I got a very large surprise party—because he knew best and was just being ‘nice.’  I was clearly angry about it. I now never get any surprises because “you don’t like surprises.”
·        He has very little sense of collaboration in our marriage. It’s either all him or all me—which is odd because of his career—but I guess it was more clear cut there.
·        My oldest son recently wrote him a letter (email) telling him how hurt he was and how he felt his dad didn’t care about him.  After reading it, he calls and the first thing out of his mouth was “what’s the matter?”  (truly curious about what the problem was…not remorse, not I’m so sorry you are hurting, etc.)
·        Whenever he writes me a card, even after 25 years, it’s very formal—almost something out of a literature book—no honey, babe, etc. 
·        We were talking about how in a day there are times when nothing would phase him—he didn’t have a jealous bone in his body, traffic never got to him, other people never annoyed him, movies were merely entertainment—not to move you or to mean anything, etc. He recently told me ‘a lot of people go through a day without being influenced by anything.’

o   It’s almost as if he’s robotic; again, he knows how to handle social things based on what he perhaps has read or seen on shows like Adam 12 or Dragnet or a John Wayne movie (which he is kind of obsessed about-these he truly believes are ‘real’)

How I feel:

·        Completely alone
·        No one to partner with; share with
·        Stuck/trapped
·        Can’t seem to have a ‘normal’ conversation with him
·        Like I know him but he doesn’t know me and at the same time like I don’t really know him—I know what or how a normal person would react
·       Stifled--emotionally
·        Exhausted! 
·        Crazy—he twists things so easily
·        Unnoticed
·        Sexually pent-up

Thank you, if you have read this far, for reading and indulging me.  I think I wanted to write just to get it out to someone I think might understand and seeing it now I feel really silly that I didn’t see it sooner and was kind of a ‘sucker’ for falling for his behavior all this time (or at the very least ignorant).  I thought he was just very egotistical or self-centered and narcissistic.  Understanding Aspergers will be key for me if we are to survive.

I realized recently we need some deep counseling to learn how to communicate—or at least I do so I don’t go crazy--and we have a resource locally for doing so. My counselor has referred us to someone who specializes in Asperger's.

At this point i know our old counselor from a few years ago told him he had Asperger's but he didn't ever acknowledge it. I was recently told by our mutual counselor that he has it (but I'm not sure she told him).   Do I tell him or ask the counselor if he has told him he has Asperger's?  Any other advice you can give me?  If you are still having seminars, please point me to where I could find one.

Thank you again.

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Hi Mark,

I'm sure you probably get lots of emails like mine... I'm writing because I need help and I don't really know who else to turn to. Therapists in my area can't seem to help as they are not equipped to deal with my situation.

I've been married to my husband (who I suspect has undiagnosed Aspergers) for one year.  It has been a very challenging year, and I'm afraid we are at the brink of divorce.  I've listened to your talks on youtube, and everything you said resonated with me --- the relational issues stemming from different priorities, obsessive interests/activities, lack of emotional understanding, defensiveness, etc...  My husband and I have many, many unresolved disconnects.  It didn't seem to make sense to me until his sister mentioned that she thinks he may have Aspergers.  I didn't know what that was, but upon researching it, everything finally made sense.  Last October, I gently broached the subject with my husband that perhaps he may have some traits that are "on the spectrum." He responded very negatively (which is an understatement because he was actual quite vile about it).  It was a side of him I've never seen before.  Very angry and almost cruel.  He is now so very cold and distant towards me.  His son from another marriage has severe autism and he has accused me of being malicious in suggesting that he may be on the spectrum too.  

We are currently going to therapy, but I'll be honest.  I don't know if he actually wants to make this marriage work.  He has an extremely negative perspective about our marriage.  He is vehemently opposed to considering he might have ASD, even though verbally he tells me and the AS/NT therapist that he doesn't care about the label.  I'm so confused and I don't know what to do or where else to turn.  He is in such deep denial and refuses to look at himself or his role in our relationship challenges.  He is highly defensive and any input or feedback from me is seen as criticism or an attack on his character.  I'm at a point that I'm afraid to even be honest and open during our therapy sessions (let alone at home) because it only results in him further distancing himself from me and our marriage.  

Mark, I'm in utter despair.  Our marriage is hanging by a thread.  I'm writing to see if perhaps you can shed some insight or advice on how I should handle the situation.  How should I proceed when my husband seems so resistant to anything and everything?  Please help.

Thank you so much.