HELP FOR PARENTS OF CHILDREN WITH ASPERGER'S & HIGH-FUNCTIONING AUTISM

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorders

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COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for March, 2017]

 Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

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Mark,

I find there a lack of supports where I live. Since he's been kicked out of school (behavior and substance use)and now having to attend the At Risk Youth Program for schooling, I am still concerned that my son is not getting what he really needs which is:
-Coping Skills
-Learning realistic thinking and emotional regulation skills
-Learning to take responsibility for his doings/ and show remorse.
-pro-social communication
-learning self control and how to control his impulses
-Problem solving
With being 6 months away from being 18 (considered an adult here in Manitoba Canada) he is no more near appropriate acting age which scares me. I worry that he has few anti social traits and will turn into that for adulthood.

What are your thoughts on Dialectical Behavior Therapy for ADHD and ODD?

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Mark,

I try, I'm all about structure since he was little after my schooling in child psychology.

Funny you say military, we are a military family... This is why I believe we struggle with patenting. My husband is very drill sargent authoritarian and I am authoritative... I've always been the parent to sit my kids down and discuss stuff, talk about what we did wrong, how we can make better choices and what kinds of ideas we can do next time we're in that situation.....

So far my week with him has been fabulous.
He managed to only disrespect my rules once of the drugs being done in my house, and actually did when his dad was home, which dad in return flushed down the toilet. My son proceeded to call him a effing dink. Normally my husband would have reacted hugely and done something, but instead he says he has followed through with ignoring the behavior.

I hope and pray I'm on the right track, not sure how much longer I can live in chaos.

Thanks for your words, advice and direction.

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I am emailing to see whether your program will work for me. In a nutshell, I have more behavior problems from my husband that is worse than both of my children put together. He has been diagnosed with ADHD in the past and i am constantly having to talk with him about his behavior and the destructiveness it causes in the household. Whenever I do try to engage him in a mature manner he gets worse. He deliberately does exactly what you ask him not to do and when I ask him to stop he makes rude noises, gestures, he twists it and it is always my fault. I feel so frustrated because I already have two children and there are many days that are completely and totally taken up with him and his behavior to the point my other two children get left out or subject to the best mustered up care I can give them under the circumstances. If i am working with one of my actual children, he will come along and undermine everything i am doing. I often feel robbed of a household other women take for granted. I do not have the luxury of having relaxing evenings at home, and anytime he does happen to be up in the mornings during the week, he creates chaos. I literally have to wait till he goes to work before i can get anything done around the house and find myself having to hide my attempts at running an effective household or he meddles and nothing i try to accomplish becomes a reality. He makes very little attempt to behave in an adult way, yet expects intimacy like an adult. I am at my wits end.

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Dear Mr. Hutten,
I must start by expressing my immense gratitude for all your work. Your articles, books, and videos have been a life saver and an impotence for me to try again to repair my marriage.
My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. We have 8 children together. Our oldest is married and has his own baby. We have stayed committed to the relationship albeit a challenge from the very beginning.
The first fifteen years of my marriage were primarily dictated by my husband's (obsessive) studying. I was very supportive of his efforts, and  our families helped us out financially. I took on all of the family responsibilities. I single handily took care of the children, shopped for everything, payed  the bills ,and managed all our vacations and outings.
When we did spend time together there were always misunderstandings. He was very rigged in his thinking and I spent so many years negotiating  to get him to be flexible about almost everything. He is a loner personality. So convincing him to reach out for advise or help has been my biggest challenge.
I thought he suffered from ADD, OCD, and social anxiety.
The last 10 years have been a mini hell on earth. Our families wanted us to become financially independent. Naturally I took on that burden once again. My husband has never had a job. I was pregnant with my last child when I started to deteriorate emotionally. My husband was going through a depression. I think he was finally coming to terms with his limitations. He could no longer hide behind a book.
This was around 2008. Our investments were not producing and money was difficult for everyone. At that point I was living over seas. My extended  family had moved back to the US and I was left with a large family to care for by myself. Of course   my husband was by my side but more like a child than a partner. In addition he required that I treat him like a partner and with an unusual amount of respect. He was so insecure that everything I said was consistently misinterpreted.
When I would get angry or hurt, he would then retreat and I became the aggressor.
I started experiencing postpartum depression. I got on medication but it made me very tired. The family started falling apart and my mother insisted we come back to live near her in Florida.
It was traumatic to move an entire family. Many of my children did not read or write English. I had to find a job and I was coming with 3 children who were challenging. Two with ADHD and one who we finally got diagnosed (several month ago) with AS/HFA.We moved to Lakewood, NJ for the many resources available to families in our Orthodox Jewish Community.
After facilitating every opportunity, I waited and waited for him to get a job. It never happened. I was attached to him in an unhealthy way showing signs of co dependence. I tried to get help for myself. We tried marriage counseling. He tried getting help for OCD. We tried imago therapy. But as much as we wanted to make it work that is how much it just didn't.
We separated and it was painful for everyone. My kids were just relieved that there was no more fighting, meltdowns, and crying fits. I have started repairing.
At first we were not having any communication I was worn out and he cut himself off from me. My sister started becoming the go between and she brought it to my attention that he has Aspergers. I had always suspected it, but I was in denial, mainly because I really didn't know enough about the syndrome.
My AS son sees a nurse practice monthly for medication refills. Several months ago we saw her and I told her about our separation. She also sees my husband regularly for Prozac and Vyvanse. She assumed I knew he had Aspergers and started discussing it with me. I wasn't sure how it was so clear to her. So I started googling and reading and I came across your u tube videos. What an eye opener!!! An understatement.
I started to understand that everything I knew in my heart that wasn't right, had a name and a reason for it. Something beyond my capacity to change.
I downloaded your Ebook on Living with an Aspergers partner. I am 40% through it.
I can't believe all this time has gone by. I have been so hurt and my children have been in so much pain. My husband is 49 years old and I hope we can still save the rest of our lives. I know things will never be the way I thought they should be but I am ready to embrace a new reality and work to get the relationship to a happier and healthier place.
My husband is still having a hard time accepting his diagnosis but his nurse practitioner was very straight out with him.
My husband is not living at home but looking for work and admits to needing to help himself first and foremost.
I need a therapist to help us as a couple to move forward. How can you help us?
We have done therapy through skype in the past.
If you are not available who are the resources you recommend in New Jersey.
I have reached out to my son's social skills therapist but there is no one in our community who deals with Aspergers and especially the way you do!
Thank you again for your life altering work,

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My name is Kay. To be honest, I'm not sure if you're who I should be contacting regarding this. For the past year or more, I've suspected I may have Asperger's or another spectrum disorder but haven't been sure what to do about it. I've periodically Googled for resources, but it's difficult to find any for adults and the process for getting diagnosed as an adult is still unclear to me. (I am a 27yo female.) I happened to find your page (http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2014/08/skype-counseling-for-adults-with.html?m=1) and wondered if you are capable of diagnosing someone or if you may be able to point me in the right direction in that regard. Thank you very much in advance for any answers you may have and I hope you have a pleasant weekend.

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I have a 15 year old who was adopted 4 years ago and lived with me for a year before
that as a foster child (she is actually my niece -- but did not really know me much before hand)

We have other daughters older and one younger then her.

She just will not do what she is told, she will not interact with others in the family, and when
we have company over she acts like an angel...so her behavior is by choice.

I have taken everything away, I have tried time out, I have tried having her write sentences, essays, letters of apology -- nothing is working.

I have made her sit out of family actives, and with advance warning of her consequences she has even gone to a theme park with the family and not rode on one single ride all weekend because she will not apologize for actions, or would rather not participate in a birthday party/cake/ etc vs. just saying the words Happy Birthday to a sibling.

I am at the end of my rope, I have tried counseling and they drop her because she refuses to participate and will not speak, to therapists and psychiatrists.

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My 10 yo daughter has recently been diagnosed with aspberger's traits/tendencies. She is having trouble with school and her social circle, and her teacher is also at a loss, despite being so very helpful with her for the past year and a half. She has been in therapy for a number of years and two social skills groups, and it has just been recently that this has been suggested, and her new psychiatrist does concur.

She's incredibly bright and bored.  Home seems to be pretty stable, but we do have bumps in the road.  She is in 4th grade. we have dealt with it on and off. She did 18 months of neurofeedback and about 8 months of a token economy.  My husband says that he was just like her when he was a kid, and he could very well be aspberger's(now a successful engineer), and aware that he has some of these same tendencies.

She already goes to a public, yet alternative (open program) school.  The girls in her class as much more socially sophistocated, not necessarily in a good way, but she doesn't get it.  The more she acts out, the worse they treat her (of course), and the worse she gets.  Her teacher is great, but is about to pull his hair out.  Whenever there is a sub, she makes a point of telling them that she doesn't have to listen to them because they aren't her teacher, and it's not their classroom. He, too, has difficulty at times. She's dangerously close to puberty, as well.  It will be within the year, based on her development.

Her teacher even said we should go out for a beer to brainstorm.  That's the best kind of teacher, from my point of view!  I would love to have some ideas in mind before we meet.  Better yet, have some changes already in place, if possible.  Things seem to be worsening.

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Dear Parenting Coach:

My name is Scott Pralinsky. I'm a psychologist who works with troubled teens. I've been living and working in Costa Rica for 15 years now, and run a summer camp for teens. 


We have had amazing success over the years with our youth who attend the camp. I'm very proud of what we've been able to accomplish over the years.

I'd love to have some help in promoting this experience. I'd be willing to offer you a 15% commission on any teens you could send our way who book and pay. 

I'm available to speak via phone or Skype if you'd like some information. 

Thank you for the work you do. I really feel the frustration from the parents I work with. And I'm glad you're able to support them in meaningful ways!

Warm regards,


Scott Pralinsky      
Founder & Executive Director           
Phone:  +1 218-506-TICO (8426)

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I just found your website and I am so thankful! I have a couple questions before I purchase the e-book. My daughter is 4 years old, and have a vision impairment (optic never hypoplasia) and her behavior has gotten worse and worse. Socially she is amazing! She talks to everyone and loves interacting, but when can't get her way or is removed from a place she is enjoying, all hell breaks loose, seriously. She bangs head, bites her hands or me, kicks, cries, screams at the top of her lungs, throws anything in site. This can last anywhere between 5 min to 30,40 minutes. It's exhausting. All therapist have always said she is misbehaving and frustrated bc of vision, but we just saw another one, and they feel she is on the spectrum. Is it possible for a child with Aspergers to socially be awesome and have no issues, but have horrible behavioral issues? In the beginning of school she  as being sent to the office throwing fits, throwing chairs, banging head and ect, and once she realized the routine she changed, and is not wonderful in school. At home, it's a struggle is uncontrollable fits everyday and I seriously need help. Does this sound like something your book can help me with?
I just need someone to give me guidance and stop saying it's just temper tantrums. It's been 4 years and getting worse each day.


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Dear Mark
We found your webpage incredibly interesting and hopeful and am currently subscribing to it so a huge thankyou to you for this.

My son is 17 and has AS and is struggling with anger to the point of it debilitating him, rage, stomach cramps, headache, shakes. He manages it fantastically He doesn't shout or hit anyone (he hits a punch bag or focuses on his breath) but it's the fact he manages it so well that causes the problem! He just pushes it down so every surge of anger is a response to not just that moment, but by more and more past negative experiences.
Although my husband and I want to be able to support him as best we can hence our interest in your site, we also want support for him. Do you ever come to the UK? Do you do intense focused wortk with teens with AS over in the USA? Or can you recommend any one you know who actually understands and works with teens with AS in the UK? Any help you can give us would be so gratefully received. He's so full of potential yet is terrified of himself and what he believes he could do if he lost control.

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 I am a single mom and we live in NYC. I was searching the web/Facebook for some kind of guidance/answers and OPS came up.  Quite frankly I'm  addressing you at this time out of desperation, frustration and perhaps a bit of fear for my 16 year old daughter.
She is currently an almost junior in HS, and I say almost because she didn't have the best start at HS during her 9th grade, and is now behind on quite a few credits. After many cuts, absences, IEP meetings, a visit to a neurologist where she was diagnosed with ADHD and is currently taking Adderall, summer school, Saturday school, etc. etc. things seem to get back on track. Junior year however brought unsafe sex, going to parties, smoking weed once in a while, staying out all night at unknown friend's out of retaliation (a one time thing to date), steeling a few dollars here and there out of my purse, quitting her job after only three days (not sure if she was let go instead), lying, being completely disrespectful, lack of empathy for me or any family member for that matter, outbursts of anger, cursing a lot more often and let's just say it what seems to be just plain meanness (although I know it's more profound than that). Last night I kind of hit rock bottom when she didn't show up home until 8:30pm (mind you she leaves school at 1:30pm) with no apparent reason in other words we hadn't argue nor there was an indication of specific problem/
trouble. During this period she didn't answer her cell phone, responded to any of my texts, had turned off her iPhone tracker, and so on. And the list goes on and on as you probably have heard it all over an over again in this line of work you have dedicated yourself to.

I have never attended any kind of online counseling, meetings or anything of the sort. I'm not savvy with it but I am willing to learn anything at all. She was going to therapy, I should mention but not only did she not want to pursue  it, I believe the therapist was not the right one for her either and it completely discouraged her. I am currently undergoing therapy myself and I'm hoping to bring her to one of my sessions on false pretense like my therapist needing family input or something like that, which I'm not proud of but I feel it might work and it's worth a shot. And speaking of therapist, she is the one that is suggesting I get a PINS warrant to protect myself legally and help her. I am not sure nor clear on this, and I'm certainly not too convinced on the repercussions of it.

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Mark - You write and record some great information for parents of adult children with Aspergers.  Do you also consult - via phone, Skype of FaceTime?  If so, are you available in the evenings or on weekends?

I have a son who will turn 46 years old in two weeks, and I am pretty sure he has Aspergers, but he has never been professionally diagnosed.  His mother and I divorced 20 years ago, but we are both interested in learning ways we can be of help to our son.  He's having a tough time now. Your articles are very helpful, but we'd really appreciate the opportunity to consult with you.

One thing we are concerned with is that we have never discussed the possible diagnosis of Aspergers with our son.  But there are several other things going on with our son now, and we would really like the help of a professional - for us, as his parents.  He is seeing a psychiatrist weekly, but she will not see his parents.  We live in Kansas City, and ideally would like to find a professional for us to see in person.

Thanks for all the great work you do, and I hope we have the opportunity to talk soon.

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Hi Mark,

I run the Wives and partners of aspies page with another mental health worker.
love your work and the more people creating awareness the better, people like you Steph Holmes, Grace Myhill, kathy marshack are amazing and of course our very own Aussie Tony Attwood.

You should really come down under and hold one of you tough message to hubbys seminars...Your words, changed my life as my hubby related to you, he is a very blokey bloke with tatts,loves his V8 cars and motorbikes, and his footy..He could not relate to any of the engineer guys that is sooo stereotyped in our early days of research..

He was the guy that self medicated with alcohol from 15 and loved being social, actually a real ratbag lol

Keep up the briliant work .


I highly respect your opinion.
I've had several ladies state their husbands and several children have also been dx with this.

I too didn't feel it was ASD specific but most likely a separate dx on top rather than crossover!

Although more and more is being understood and perhaps those with sensory issues like this may have trouble verbalising it as a difference due to it being their normal, alexithymia or even anxieties mask many truths.

Very interesting and fascinating.

Thanks ☺

Oh I'm serious about coming to Melbourne Australia, you have a gift and a way of speaking that absorbs into people and reaches them and that creates real change, that is a rare quality among ASD aware therapists.

I'm sure Tony Attwood would support and help market that adventure!

Many find it difficult to get appropriate support, and it's so painful to watch couples and families finally reach out and be told "No, your hubby is not ASD, they are far too social or not sensory enough, or they make eye contact"
Completely disregarding learned behaviours and masking skills.
I offer my time for free, I'm so passionate about educating those in NT/ASD relationships, guiding and helping those find their own balance and happiness.

My day job is a nurse lol yep another empath! We also own a garden & building supplies.

It's uncanny out of 786 ladies within the group 90% are in carer roles of some sort, many nurses, social workers, teachers, holistic guides, doctors, and therapists of all areas..

We actually laugh now when ladies introduce themselves and say they are a nurse etc


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No comments:

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the Aspergers child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

How to Prevent Meltdowns in Aspergers Children

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and the Asperger’s child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

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Parenting Defiant Aspergers Teens

Although Aspergers is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager with Aspergers are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the Aspergers teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

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Aspergers Children “Block-Out” Their Emotions

Parenting children with Aspergers and HFA can be a daunting task. In layman’s terms, Aspergers is a developmental disability that affects the way children develop and understand the world around them, and is directly linked to their senses and sensory processing. This means they often use certain behaviors to block out their emotions or response to pain.

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Older Teens and Young Adult Children With Aspergers Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with Aspergers face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Living with an Aspergers Spouse/Partner

Research reveals that the divorce rate for people with Aspergers is around 80%. Why so high!? The answer may be found in how the symptoms of Aspergers affect intimate relationships. People with Aspergers often find it difficult to understand others and express themselves. They may seem to lose interest in people over time, appear aloof, and are often mistaken as self-centered, vain individuals.

Click here to read the full article…

Online Parent Coaching for Parents of Asperger's Children

If you’re the parent of a child with Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism, you know it can be a struggle from time to time. Your child may be experiencing: obsessive routines; problems coping in social situations; intense tantrums and meltdowns; over-sensitivity to sounds, tastes, smells and sights; preoccupation with one subject of interest; and being overwhelmed by even the smallest of changes.

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Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Parents, teachers, and the general public have a lot of misconceptions of Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism. Many myths abound, and the lack of knowledge is both disturbing and harmful to kids and teens who struggle with the disorder.

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Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

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