The "Rationale-Dependent" Child on the Autism Spectrum
“My daughter has to analyze and argue over every house rule my husband and I come up with before she decides to finally obey that particular rule. Is this common for children with an autism spectrum, and is there any way to get her to be more agreeable without such lengthy explanations and arguments?”What if I told you that your daughter may be exhibiting noncompliance for a good reason? Some children and teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are simply not comfortable with things that don’t make sense to them.
These children, who are “rationale-dependent,” are largely focused on logic. They need to know the reasons for the rules in order to avoid both confusion and anxiety.
Blindly accepting the rules is not the way the rationale-dependent child functions. She needs to understand the reasons behind others’ actions, why something is done a particular way, and it has to make sense to her. Since this child is over-analytical, she often behaves inappropriately because she never gets past the “analysis stage” to the “action stage.”
If a certain rule seems unreasonable, there is no need to follow it in her mind, and she probably won't listen to the person trying to enforce the rule. Thus, parents and teachers will need to give this child the reasoning behind a decision or action – and make it very convincing!
The rationale-dependent child’s coping strategy is to try to make sense of the world through logic and reasoning. In order to minimize emotional stress, she needs the world to be a place with order and symmetry to it.
Thus, she may ask lots of questions about how a particular thing works. Using her well-developed, analytical brain, she eventually makes sense of things and comes to an acceptable understanding of what is going on.
The child tends to be very bright with a high IQ, and she will usually become more flexible when given a reasonable explanation for a particular rule or regulation. But, she may very well have her own reasons and explanations beforehand. Therefore, simply stating the rule is not enough – it needs to be followed with some clarification, in which case, her “misbehavior” will likely decrease.
Tips for dealing with the "rationale-dependent" child on the autism spectrum:
Parents and teachers will most likely need to explain why something needs to be done - or why it can't be done - before they get compliance. For the rationale-dependent child, understanding precedes cooperation.
If the adults’ explanations provide her with information she didn't have, might have overlooked, or didn't understand, they will have helped her clarify why a desired action is beneficial to her. As this child becomes older, parents and teachers will need to do much more explaining, because rules by themselves will have less impact.
When providing an explanation, always match the explanation to the child’s cognitive and emotional level. Don't overestimate how much she knows, because she probably has a large vocabulary.
Always make sure she understands the reasoning behind something before moving to the next step. Also, parents and teachers will have to help this child reduce the amount of analysis by helping her see how “over-analysis” is unproductive.
More resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:
COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said… As my son got older he started to be less argumentative as he had more understanding/knowledge of life. He's 21 & more independent and learning those life answers on his own through his school, jobs, internship and time with friends. But I get to relive it all again with my 8yo ASD son.
• Anonymous said… Both of my children not on the Spectrum did this. It is generally a kid thing/ human-thing before it is a specifically Autistic behaviour. It is irrational to ask or think that anything is common amongst children presenting on the Spectrum because if you've met one person with Autism or Aspergers you've met only one person In my self contained classroom we hsve the students make the rules and we gently guide them to follow their own rules. They don't argue with themselves
• Anonymous said… I don't get sucked into such arguments with either my typical or ASD. I'll explain it to you once, hear you out, but once I've made my decision , it's final. After that you get the "Thank you but your request has been denied" line and it is what it is.
• Anonymous said… My 14 year old daughter did this about everything. She always has. It got worse with puberty
• Anonymous said… OMG...my eldest was exactly like this and now diagnosed as somewhere on the spectrum..middle child being aspergers
• Anonymous said… Soooooooo common and it drives us nuts!
• Anonymous said… Thank goodness for Facebook so we can connect and know we are not the only ones going through this...
• Anonymous said… the "authority" thing is difficult for them and even more so if you get into a big discussion. "I am an adult; it is my job to job to designate house-rules- God's design- My Home"; "your job is to follow them with a cheerful heart". Once that is stated, it is not to be discussed again; use a simple phrase and extinguish using picture cards for "your role" and "my role"...giving them authority over other situations will curb the desire to argue everything. Build choices within non-choices and be mindful how you phrase things...do not say "DO YOU WANNA ___________?" or "Don't you wanna _______________?"...that is a choice, but rather, these are the chores (chore chart)- do you want to do a or b...but something will be done. To recap, do not negotiate... explain roles and be consistent. Use visuals, use praise and catch them doing what's right-be specific..."I like the way you _________________". Use positive reinforcers and start where the child is at i.e., if the child can help clean up for 5 minutes increase a bit each time. Extinguish unwanted behaviors by a) naming it and b) fading... i.e., it is not time for "discussion" - flip card over and re-direct...other times, it is ok to "discuss", but you will set the limits. Also, make sure sensory issues are not the blame i.e., my son cannot tolerate the feel of clothes so laundry is not going to be a good fit for him...etc... If the child has been running the show, it is going to take a while to undo the negative, unwanted behaviors and everyone (adults) must be on the same page, using the same language and purposefully ignoring as much as possible. 3 weeks to make or break a habit...may get worse before it gets better... tantrums result in going to "calm down" again, no reinforcement (eye contact, discussion, etc) until the child is quiet/calm, count to three and then release from "calm down"...eventually they will self regulate and put themselves in calm down.
• Anonymous said… with our 11 year old Asperger son (diagnosed at 5), We tell him, "Obey first. If you still don't understand our rational we would be happy to explain AFTER you have obeyed." He was not happy about it at first and we had some meltdowns (followed by the known consequence for a meltdown). Its funny though that 99% of the time he did not request an explanation after he obeyed. He either figured it out by himself or it just didn't seem important to him at that point. It took a long time, but now he is 11 and has made huge progress: excellent behavior with teachers (most of the time) and can't remember the last time he's had a meltdown. He is also obedient most of the time ;-) and does not feel the need to get an explanation whenever asked to do .
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Comments
5 minutes ago · Like
The challenge comes when Dad (also an aspie) doesn't understand the logic, and is looking at the situation from a completely different angle.
about an hour ago · Like
My own sweet son has a spin on my rules that tires us all out. I do appreciate his kindness and wish to understand things completely. I appreciate his willingness to forgive and release (eventually)his anger when things don't go as he thinks they should. We use Bible stories to explain why this is important. Reading about Eli the priest who let his son's do whatever they wanted.. and look what happened to them, goes a long way to help him understand why some rules are important:)
When my Aspie spouse says "in my mind...." I know I am going to hear Aspie logic. We talk about remembering what is logical to him, what may get him extremely upset, may not bother most other people. I am learning to explain vs. react. He is learning to understand other's logic is different than his, and to be OK with this. Life long process for us all.
thank you for giving me a new approach to try on our 13yo aspie.
Ice cubes, for example. I think as long as it has more than a few cubes left and there's a second tray you shouldn't have to refill it immediately. Because the next time I want ice (say to refill my drink 20 minutes later) that top tray will have water in it and I use the other tray and follow the rule of immediately refilling it then the next person may not be able to get any ice...
*example of aspie logic*
Sorry. Ahem. Ok.
Simply put, I am eager to please most of the time but to enjoy living with me you have to not care about little things like that, or have the ability to present your case like I do. I've had a partner like that in the past, who could meet me half-way. We got on very well in that area, and having debates like that weren't taken as a personal attack or being controlling. When he was right, I would acquiesce and simply change my behavior. It happened frequently. I'm pretty sure he was an aspie too.
Just try to be patient with us. I love what this article says about how it is a coping mechanism. Yes, it is, and throwing it out and saying something is a rule "because I say so" or "because it's just the way it is" throws a wrench into the works. The "rules" aren't as intuitive for us, so without a framework of logic our chances of guessing correctly goes down substantially and it is very stressful! :)
I'm an adult and I've adapted very well going undiagnosed for so long. Logic an "over analyzing" has kept me sane but also alienated some people.
1. Try it with a rule like 7 out of 10 times you explain and 3 times not. You should choose the 3 times out of the 10. Explain that sometimes it is too clumsy to go into long discussions, and that you are very tired of it. (Flexibility-within-structure).
2.That trust between people is an extremely important thing, and so is accomodating to others, and trying to avoid making others angry. doing others a favor without any reason other than making him or her feel better. Exemplify with lots of little stories, whenever possible. Or point to when people do favors to others, ad what it means for the other person.
3. Try to develop her feeling for your level of anger with an emometer, and tell her how she can read your feelings. Give her from time to time also a feedback about other people s emotions, in particular if she is puzzled by the reactions of others.Tell her that most of the time, if people are getting angry it is because they are rightly upset, and only sometimes it is in order to hide a fault of theirs or to intimidate others.
4. Make a puppet theatre where you stage all the conflicts that you had with your daughter over the last months and where she has now got the rules. Let the parents get more exhausted from conflict to conflict exaggerating the exhaustion. Replay the same with anger instead of exhaustion.
5. Make her understand how often you accomodate to her, without her even having to say anything. If she expects you to do something urgent and quite, but not terribly important for her, refuse it, and say that she did also not accomodate to you this morning, or only after a lengthy discussion.You should not discuss, you could listen to a song, and then do what she wants you to do). Tell her that this is the revenge for her not doing you a favor, and that it is to make her understand. Do this quite often during one week.Then make a pause of two weeks, then do it again.
6. It is also necessary to make her guess the reason for a rule.
7. Crucial: Give her a feeling for that other people get it more easily than her and without explanation.You could also tell her something like, that she might not get it now but probably in 2 years, and that she has to wait so long, or ask someone else.