Aspergers and the “Disruptive Personality” Type

In previous posts, we talked about the “avoidant personality” and the “approach personality” in Aspergers (high functioning autistic) children, teens and adults. In this post, we will examine the “disruptive personality,” which unfortunately presents the most challenges to parents and teachers.

The disruptive personality is:

1. a type of cognitive-behavioral style in which the "Aspie's" way of thinking, perceiving situations, and relating to others is sometimes destructive
2. often comorbid with ADHD and/or ODD

Aspergers children and teens with disruptive personality typically have little regard for right and wrong. They may often violate the rights of others, landing in frequent trouble or conflict. They may lie, behave violently, and have drug and alcohol problems. Also, Aspies with disruptive personality may not be able to fulfill responsibilities to family, school, or work.

Disruptive personality traits may include:

• Aggressive or violent behavior
• Agitation
• Impulsive behavior
• Intimidation of others
• Irresponsible school-related or work-related behavior
• Lack of remorse about harming others
• Persistent lying or deceit
• Poor or abusive relationships
• Recurring difficulties with the parents and teachers
• Repeatedly violating the rights of others
• Using charm or wit to manipulate others

There may be a link between an early lack of “empathy” (i.e., understanding the perspectives and problems of others) and later onset of a disruptive personality style. These personality problems may be inherited, and identifying them early may help improve long-term outcomes.

Complications and problems associated with the disruptive personality include:

• Aggression or violence
• Alcohol or substance abuse
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Reckless behavior
• Relationship difficulties
• School and work problems
• Social isolation
• Strained relationships
• Suicidal behavior

Psychotherapy is the main way to treat a child or teen with a disruptive personality style. Types of psychotherapy may include:

• Psycho-education: This education-based therapy teaches coping strategies and problem-solving skills.
• Psychodynamic psychotherapy: This approach aims to raise awareness of unconscious thoughts and behaviors and — by bringing them to light — change their negative impact.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy: This type of therapy helps to uncover unhealthy, negative beliefs and behaviors and replace them with healthy, positive ones.

Psychotherapy may be provided in individual sessions, in group therapy, or in sessions that include family or even friends. The right type of psychotherapy depends on each person's individual situation.

If you have a child or teen with a disruptive personality style, it's critical that you also get help for yourself. Mental health professionals can help teach you skills to protect yourself from the aggression, violence and anger common to this personality type. They can also recommend strategies for coping.

Parents can help their Aspergers child with disruptive personality traits in the following ways:

1. Always build on the positives, give the child praise and positive reinforcement when he shows flexibility or cooperation.
2. Take a time‑out or break if you are about to make the conflict with your child worse, not better. This is good modeling for your child. Support your child if he decides to take a time‑out to prevent overreacting.
3. Pick your battles. Since this particular child has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the things you want your child to do. If you give your child a time‑out in his room for misbehavior, don't add time for arguing. Say "your time will start when you go to your room."
4. Set up reasonable, age appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently.
5. Maintain interests other than your "disruptive" Aspie so that managing your child doesn't take all your time and energy. Try to work with and obtain support from the other adults (teachers, coaches, and spouse) in dealing with your child.
6. Manage your own stress with exercise and relaxation. Use respite care as needed. 
7. Come up with a specific parenting-plan to address the behavioral problems associated with a disruptive personality.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

Aspergers Adults with Avoidant Personality: Self-Help Strategies

Adult "Aspies" (i.e., people with Aspergers or high-functioning autism) with Avoidant Personality experience a long-standing feeling of inadequacy due to the lack of social skills that result from mind-blindness. This influences the Aspie to be socially inhibited.

Because of these feelings of inadequacy and inhibition, these individuals will often seek to avoid work, school, or any activities that involve socializing or interacting with others (e.g., many young Aspergers adults with Avoidant Personality are still living with their parents and playing video games rather than working, going to college, getting married, etc.).

The major problems associated with the Avoidant Personality style occur in social and occupational functioning. The low self-esteem is associated with restricted interpersonal contacts. These Aspies may become relatively isolated and usually do not have a large social support network that can help them weather crises. They desire affection and acceptance and may fantasize about idealized relationships with others, but may not have the social skills to find and keep friends. The avoidant behaviors can also adversely affect occupational functioning because these Aspies try to avoid the types of social situations that may be important for meeting the basic demands of the job or for advancement.

Avoidant Personality is characterized by a long-standing pattern of feelings of inadequacy and social inhibition. It typically manifests itself by early childhood and includes a majority of the following symptoms:

• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations
• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities
• Is often unwilling to get involved with people
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships
• Views self as socially inept

Most adult Aspies with Avoidant Personality don't seek treatment until the condition starts to significantly interfere or otherwise impact his/her life. This most often happens when a person's coping resources are stretched too thin to deal with stress or other life events.

The treatment of choice is psychotherapy. While individual therapy is usually the preferred modality, group therapy can be useful if the Aspie can agree to attend enough sessions. Because of the basic components of this condition, though, it is often difficult to have the individual attend group therapy early on in the therapeutic process. It is a modality to consider as the Aspie approaches termination of individual treatment, if additional therapy seems necessary and beneficial to him/her.

Avoidant Personality: Self-Help Strategies—

1. Actively seek out and join supportive social environments.
2. Challenge negative, unhelpful thoughts that trigger and fuel social anxiety, replacing them with more balanced views.
3. Challenge social anxiety one step at a time. While it may seem impossible to overcome a feared social situation, you can do it by taking it one small step at a time. The key is to start with a situation that you can handle and gradually work your way up to more challenging situations, building your confidence and coping skills as you move up the “anxiety ladder” (e.g., if socializing with strangers makes you anxious, you might start by accompanying an outgoing friend to a party, and once you’re comfortable with that step, you might try introducing yourself to one new person, and so on).
4. Group therapy for social anxiety is a good idea. It uses acting, videotaping and observing, mock interviews, and other exercises to work on situations that make you anxious in the real world. As you practice and prepare for situations you’re afraid of, you will become more and more comfortable and confident in your social abilities, and your anxiety will lessen.
5. Know that avoidance leads to more problems. While avoiding social situations may help you feel better in the short term, it prevents you from becoming more comfortable in social situations and learning how to cope. In fact, the more you avoid certain social situations, the easier it is to become even more unsociable. Avoidance may also prevent you from doing things you’d like to do or reaching certain goals.
6. Learn how to control the physical symptoms of anxiety through relaxation techniques and breathing exercises.
7. Take a social skills class or an assertiveness training class. These classes are often offered at local adult education centers or community colleges.
8. Use cognitive-behavioral techniques for social anxiety, including role-playing and social skills training.
9. Volunteer doing something you enjoy, such as walking dogs in a shelter, or stuffing envelopes for a campaign — anything that will give you an activity to focus on while you are also engaging with a small number of like-minded people.
10. Work on your communication skills. Good relationships depend on clear, emotionally-intelligent communication. If you find that you have trouble connecting to others, learning the basic skills of emotional intelligence can help.

==> Relationship Skills for Couples Affected by Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

COMMENTS:

RE: "Why are you posting info about adults on the spectrum on this site? I thought this site was about children on the spectrum."

•    Mark Hutten, M.A. said… Because many of the parents of Aspergers children here in our support group have Aspergers (high functioning) themselves. When these parents come to terms with their own disorder, they become better at parenting their 'special needs' kids. Make sense?

 

•    Anonymous said... Also, kids with asperger's grow up to become adults with it. Some people have children standing on the threshold of adulthood and need info too.

•    Anonymous said... As a parent of a 20 year old, only diagnosed age 18, I still need help with my son, whether he is classed as a child or an adult. There is very little information/support out there as it is for parents like me with a young man floundering on the edges of society where he is expected to be able to live by himself, but struggles to do that. He is still my child, whether he is 20 or 10. Symptoms remain constant, coping mechanisms may need a bit of adjusting given his age, but I can still learn lots from how the parents of young children with Aspergers.

•    Anonymous said... Children on the spectrum will become adults on the spectrum. I love hearing from adults on the spectrum, helps me know what to expect in the future.

•    Anonymous said... I agree. Many parents dont realize they are on the spectrum as well. All of the posts are helpful & eye opening!

•    Anonymous said... I agree. My son has Aspergers he 12 1/2. I have now come 2 terms that I may have. So I have a Apt to have myself tested. 2 better myself for my son.

•    Anonymous said... I am a parent of a misdiagnoses Aspie for 20 years. I value the posts because we just had to figure things out as we went. Finally a little bit if information sure helps!

•    Anonymous said... I am a parent to two ASD children but since they have been diagnosed my husband has started noticing asd traits in me what steps should i be taking and how long can it take for myself to be tested any help would be of great value thanks in advance concerned mum

•    Anonymous said... I am one of that kind of parents. Aspergers myself, son with HFA. This is the most informative and helpful website I have found.

•    Anonymous said... I can relate to all the above comments. My son wasn't diagnosed until he was nearly 15. I found very little info on teens. So this info on adults is exceptionally helpful as this dx is life long and the struggles remain with them and us as parents forever.

•    Anonymous said... I like reading about trials we may face with my aspire growing up. I know each person is different, but I find it helpful for being as prepared as I can be for him.

•    Anonymous said... I will always be parenting a child with aspergers! Each individual with aspergers is different. hearing stories of all ages helps to prepare and think about my sons future (he is 14). if someone finds out they have aspergers at an older age, that does not necessarily mean they have the answers to parent their child perfectly.

•    Anonymous said... I'm in the same situation Deborah, waiting for my referral to be tested, my oldest son is the same age as yours 

•    Anonymous said... it was only after my children were dx that my hubby realized he is on spectrum too.and aspergers kids grow up,

•    Anonymous said... Makes perfect sense to me! 

•    Anonymous said... Makes total sense! It was only through the process of our son being dxd my husband finally accepted the bleeding obvious about himself, and now our daughter is being assessed I realise I'm probably an aspie too.

•    Anonymous said... My 14 yr old has just been diagnosed so I'm looking for infor that helps for someone that's not a child but not yet an adult - finding it good here

•    Anonymous said... My Aspie son is now 17, soon to become "an adult", ha, that is hardly a statement. We need all the advise that we can for children as well as adults. Just cause the person gets older doesn't mean the disorder disappears, in some cases it intensifies. As a community we must teach and support one another to over come the obstacles aspies have and can be so challenging for the world to understand and understand them without prejudice. This is about everyone! God bless us all and have a good day!

•    Anonymous said... My husband did not know that he had it till our son was diagnosed and he realised that what I was reading out to him was all about him. It makes it easier for me to parent the both of them. Also when my son has meltdowns or things change he hears me speak with my son and he learns what to say next time. My husband accepts that it is what it is and that they get each other.

•    Anonymous said... My son is days away from turning 13 and we are in the process of receiving a dx... Any and all support and info is helpful...

•    Anonymous said... My son was not diagnosed till he was 3 months away from being 18yrs old. Every support group, source of information was a necessity to us so that we could get the support he needed as well as understanding what is aspergers and what is just teenage stuff.

•    Anonymous said... One day your children will be adults better for you to know now it's easy to live day by day because its easy but teenage year a big handful 

•    Anonymous said... our children become adults which my son turn 19 couple days ago I became his legal guardian when he turn 18 and now my daughter turning 16 soon. So I can see talking about adults either parents themselves or families who children are reaching adulthood my son still in school he could of graduated last year but he is staying until he is 21 and he is in the 18-21 yr work program so working on those important vocational skills this summer he did 2 paid work trials he enjoy that as well. The older he became the more progress he has made in his life. His younger years were very hard on everyone but now he is doing so well. Now hoping my daughter will make it down the same path but right now she is down the wrong path I believe girls especially the teenage years are so much harder than with a boy. She was the easy one when she was younger but now I never know what she going to throw at us. having 2 on the spectrum at different levels both are verbal just not the same

•    Anonymous said... So true, my sons aunt & uncle have it.

•    Anonymous said... Surely, whoever asked the original was the parent of a very young child and just wasn't thinking it through. If the read these comments, they will quickly realize understand.

•    My 12 1/2 year old son was dx with Autism at 3 and will be an adult before too long. Like many others commenting, I now have no doubt that I am on the spectrum and possibly my husband. At 43, I don't see the benefit of seeking a dx for me. (Especially considering the cost involved since we only have private health insurance.)

•    Anonymous said... Thank you, yes indeed, its helpful and encouraging. I'm not alone. Although, I'm not HFA, my boys 24 and 19 are. We still don't know yet where/how or which genes came from. Their dad(I'm divorced)was abusive, so we parted years ago, when boys were 5 and still pregnant with younger one. It has been a long hard struggle, but thanking God, each day for my boys, I would do it all over again. They've struggled and sometimes still with anxiety. And they've been through a period of depression during high sch. They've been through a lot. Now younger one in 2nd year in college, older one rebalancing himself, he just recently restarted therapy and meds. Charactics of HFA are there, but they do love humor. And even a lil bit of sports. We live in a small town. We are native Americans, so healthcare wasn't all that great for my boys. Seems not enough good therapist here, but yes indeed, we are getting there. God provides. I do want my boys to attend church with me, but I've tried asking before,they do believe God exists and they probably know the Holy Bible better than I do.lol so now I attend church for the three of us. Any suggestions? And dating is/was hard. So its like a the back burner.lol any suggestions? I just wanna share with anyone who cares to listen....only God will carry you and family through the fire. Its just as simple as that. Im praying for all parents and kiddos here. I appreciate all your comments/suggestions.very helpful indeed. May God bless y'all and never give up on your children, no matter what. Have a great day!

•    Anonymous said... The other factor to consider if that as a parent of an almost 18 year old with Aspergers, (as well a other dx) I will not stop being his parent because he turns18. There is limited support and resources for teens and adults, compared to the younger kids...just as when he was younger there was little information compared to now. I'm always having to work for new ideas for motivation, his self care, advocacy and so much more. Its appreciated having as many resources as possible when trying to guide my son to his independence whole allowing him to remain himself.

•    Anonymous said... The points made is so true, one kids grow up, and some adults shpuld b tested too, they may not b aware they have it,,, special guidance is needed 

•    Anonymous said... We were just clinically "quirky" back then.

 
*   Anonymous said... It's kind of funny to think that even if someone had noticed something was off about me when I was a kid, there was no way I could have been diagnosed correctly. I was born in 1977, so at the time, Asperger's hadn't been recognized officially as a condition and wasn't included in the diagnostic manuals until 1995 (when I graduated high school incidentally). The issue of adults with Asperger's is a relatively new thing, which probably explains why it is so difficult to find trained counselors to help out adults instead of kids. I tend to think the adults have unique problems that children with Asperger's don't, primarily depression for years of feeling "off", and improperly learned communication habits. Years ago, someone with Asperger's was just considered strange. If they entered into a relationship, as long as they were male, then the standoffishness and silence was considered part of "being a man". Times have changed, though, and communication has become a huge part of our society. EVERY job these days requires good communication skills, and there is almost no way you are going to enter a relationship and get away with be standoffish. Hopefully, as time progresses, treatment options to help aspies deal with these issues will improve. In the mean time, sites like this one are a fantastic way for aspies to talk to each other and help find ways to deal with the day to day issues of being part of a different world. It's also a great way to practice communicating.

•    Anonymous said… I have to be dragged into doing everything and the more important it is the harder it seems to be to get me to do it. I can know it's important and still can't seem to do it, I even get in a right stress with myself for being so crap.

•    Anonymous said… I wasted so much time with this and worrying about inadvertently offending others or worrying about people thinking that I'm one narrow archetype or another; one overly serious and literal - or alternately a creative eccentric. The more I was aware of how different it was, the more concerned and slightly avoidant I became. I used to only do groceries late at night when the shopper count drops dramatically. Now I realize though that the desire to fit with what I 'thought' was the norm took energy away from other pursuits. This maladaptive over-processing ironically leads to more self surrounding than would happen if we instead dedicated ourselves to our "hyper focussed" pursuits. At least our interests, if they could lead to niche careers, would ultimately bestow more success, achievement and the confidence of identity that then begets more social, cultural and capital exposure.

•    Anonymous said… Sounds like me. I always thought this was normal for I never really wanted to connect to people anyway.

•    Anonymous said… that's pretty much me. I find tho, once I get going it's ok, but most of the time I don't go out anywhere and I try not to run into my roomate if I can help it. I shouldn't even have a roomate to begin with and it keeps me from getting to a place of processing b4 I can go out. It sux.  

 

*   This may sound familiar, but this totally sounds like me. I've gotten counselling for supposed Asperger's starting with one-on-one and slowly integrating into group sessions. A lot of those self-help tips I've heard before, either from my counsellor or people around me like my parents ("join a group you enjoy, put yourself out there, get more comfortable with socializing"). It's tough and there's some reluctance on my part but I am trying to cope. I'm going to get tested tomorrow to see if I have Asperger's/HFA/ASD, AvPD, social anxiety disorder, or a mix of those. hopefully, it will bring some relief to have an official diagnosis so I can get more outside help, to help me fight this battle.

*   Actually we avoid people and interpersonal situations because we feel SUPERIOR to the stupid normies that we are forced to coexist with. We don't speak: "STUPID" A world ruled by Aspis would be a perfect peaceful Utopia. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. 

Please post your comment below…

Transitioning to Adulthood: Help for Older Teens with Aspergers and HFA

The greatest challenge you will face as a mother or father of an Aspergers or high functioning autistic (HFA) child is supporting him or her through the transition to adulthood. As protective (or over-protective) as you may be, at some point you will be ready for your teenager to leave home to venture out on his own into the adult world.

Of course your relationship with your adult child will continue long after he or she leaves the nest, and your loving support can help with “grown-up” responsibilities.

Is your 18 or 19-year-old teenager ready for adulthood? Answer yes or no to the following questions:

1. Can your adolescent drive?
2. Can your adolescent make meals and snacks for himself?
3. Do you get frustrated with your adolescent's inability to complete projects?
4. Do you give your adolescent opportunities to make his own decisions?
5. Do you give your adolescent positive feedback?
6. Do you listen to your adolescent's problems, make suggestions and then allow him to choose how to proceed?
7. Do you still pick up after your adolescent when he leaves things around the house?
8. Does your adolescent clean her bedroom?
9. Does your adolescent complain when her friends are busy, therefore “there’s nothing to do”?
10. Does your adolescent do a weekly chore regularly without more than one reminder?
11. Does your adolescent do her laundry?
12. Does your adolescent handle stress well?
13. Does your adolescent handle your direction without back-talk or sulking?
14. Does your adolescent have a checking account that he handles on his own?
15. Does your adolescent have a healthy hygiene routine?
16. Does your adolescent have a job outside of your home?
17. Does your adolescent know how to make money-saving goals and then achieve them?
18. Has your adolescent ever taken a CPR or First Aid class?
19. Has your adolescent used any of the community's resources?
20. If your adolescent is facing a problem with a teacher, do you allow her to fix it?
21. Is your adolescent able to ask other people questions without being too shy?
22. Is your adolescent able to make her own appointments?
23. Is your adolescent able to plan a trip successfully?
24. Is your adolescent able to plan out her week effectively?
25. Is your adolescent comfortable doing things on his own?

If you answered “no” to three of the questions above – it should be a red flag that “life skills” are lacking. If you answered “no” to five or more – then your child may not be ready for adult responsibilities yet.

If your parenting goes as planned, your young adult will - at some point - leave home and live independently. Life skills will help your older adolescent to be independent and live on his own, which is the goal of a successful young adult and her parents. But it isn't easy. Older teenagers with Aspergers and HFA often feel they can take the big step towards independent living without possessing all of the life skills they will need to succeed “out in the real world.”

You can help your teenager be independent by encouraging good habits and helping him learn the life skills it takes to be independent.

Below are 15 life skills your teenager will need to learn in order to be successful at living independently the first time she is on her own:

1. Ability to Find Housing

2. Finding and Keeping a Job— In order to live independently, your adolescent will need to have a job. The job will need to make enough money to cover their living expenses, at minimum. Today's happy young adult has a job that contributes to a high quality of life and not just monetarily.

3. General Housekeeping Skills

4. Goal Setting— Defining what it is you want is called setting a goal. Figuring out and taking the actions you need to get your goal is how you obtain that goal. Both of these are important life skills. Learning how to set and obtain a goal are necessary life skills your adolescent will need to be a happy and successful adult.

5. Health and Hygiene Skills— In order for your adolescent to be happy while they live independently, they will need to be successful at keeping their bodies healthy and clean. These life skills are taught throughout your adolescent's childhood and adolescence by encouraging good hygiene routines and healthy habits.

6. Interpersonal Skills

7. Money Skills

8. Personal Safety Skills

9. Stress Management Skills

10. The Ability to Cope with Loneliness— Coping with loneliness is a very important skill on my list of needed independent living skills for adolescents because every adolescent I've ever known has needed it. Adolescents who know how to recognize loneliness as the temporary feeling it is, use their support system and work through their loneliness do just fine.

11. The Ability to Deal with Emergencies

12. The Ability to Find What You Need in Your Community

13. The Ability to Procure and Cook Food

14. Time Management Skills

15. Transportation Skills— One life skill that adolescents need to learn to become independent but generally leave to their parents or caregivers, is transportation or getting from Point A to Point B.

Does your "special needs" adolescent need to know all of ins and outs of each skill well? No. Your adolescent may even get by not having to know one particular skill at all. For example, a young man who has no idea how to do laundry may have a girlfriend who does. This young man may be able to get his interpersonal skills to help with his household skills by convincing his girlfriend to help with his laundry. But, do your best at teaching your adolescent each skill as if they will need it. This will give them the greatest chance of being successful at living independently the first time they live on their own.

Other points to consider:

When your teen behaves badly, you may become angry or upset with him, but these feelings are different from not loving your teen. Older teens need grown-ups who are there for them. They need people who connect with them, communicate with them, spend time with them and show a genuine interest in them. This is how they learn to care for and love others as an adult.

Older teens need support as they struggle with problems that may seem unimportant to their parents and families. They need praise when they've done their best. They need encouragement to develop interests and personal characteristics.

Adolescence is a time for exploring many areas and doing new things. Your youngster’s interests will change, in academics and recreation. He may experiment with different forms of art, learn about different cultures and careers and take part in community or religious activities. Within your means, you can open doors for your youngster. You can introduce him to new people and to new worlds. In doing so, you may renew in yourself long-ignored interests and talents, which also can set a good example for your youngster.

Older teens need parents or other adults who consistently provide structure and supervision that is firm and appropriate for age and development. Limits keep all kids, including adolescents, physically and emotionally safe.

It is tempting to label all young teens as difficult and rebellious. But adolescents vary as much as kids in any other age group. Your youngster needs to be treated with respect, which requires you to recognize and appreciate her differences and to treat her as an individual. Respect also requires you to show compassion by trying to see things from your youngster's point of view and to consider her needs and feelings. By treating your young adolescent with respect, you help her to take pleasure in good behavior.

Older teens need strong role models. Follow the values that you hope your youngster will develop. Your actions speak louder than words. If you set high standards for yourself and treat others with kindness and respect, your youngster probably will too. As teens explore possibilities of who they may become, they look to their parents, peers, celebrities and others.

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Helping Older Aspergers and HFA Teens Find Work

RE: "How can I get my 19-year-old Aspergers son to stop playing video games long enough to go find a job? I try to tell him that he needs to be working at least part-time at this age – but he’s not interested. (*sigh*)"

Click here for the answer ...

==> Launching Adult Children With Aspergers and HFA: How To Promote Self-Reliance

Aspergers and the "Approach Personality" Type

In a previous post (click here), we looked at Aspergers (high functioning autism) and the "avoidant personality." In this post, we will discuss the somewhat opposite personality type: the "approach personality."

This type usual occurs in the "Aspie" who also has ADHD, although this is not always the case.

The two primary characteristics of the “approach personality” are (a) excessive talking about one’s special (or obsessive) interest, and (b) significant violations of other’s personal space.

Excessive Talking About Special Interests—

Excessive talking in the Aspie can present a number of problems. No one particularly likes to be referred to as a "motor-mouth," but they can be exactly that. While some people have much to say of value, excessive talkers usually do not. They talk either because they can't help it due to “mind-blindness” (i.e., they are unaware that the listener is both bored and annoyed with the one-sided conversation), or because they simply love to tell others about their favorite hobby/activity out of a huge sense of passion about that particular hobby/activity.

Aspies who talk excessively can sometimes get along well with one another, probably because neither is paying much attention to what the other is saying. For those with normal speaking habits however, excessive talking often borders on being socially unacceptable. We are brought up to be attentive to what others are saying, to speak mainly when spoken to, while at the same time hoping that when we do talk, we sound intelligent and say the right things in as few words as possible.

Excessive talking in the Aspie often translates into an inability to understand or follow instructions. The very act of learning can be seriously impeded, and the chattering Aspie may be unable to concentrate on those things where concentration is vital to success.

Those Aspies who persist in excessive talking about their obsessive interest are more apt to be victims of another type of disorder, the Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Not all of those with OCPD are excessive talkers – it is just one of the symptoms. You can usually spot those with OCPD, because they tend to be preoccupied with perfectionism and orderliness, pay excessive attention to detail, and are most comfortable in an environment where there are rules to follow, schedules to meet, and an organizational structure in which they know their place.

The drive for perfectionism often results in such individuals being unable to complete certain assigned tasks, or being unable to follow rules which don't conform to their own strict standards. Some OCPD Aspies are extremely introverted (living in their own carefully regulated and orderly world) while others can be quite extroverted (these are the attention seekers, the ones who violate your personal space, and who often over-dramatize any and every situation). It is from among this group that excessive talking is apt to be one of the more noticeable symptoms.

Tips for the excessive (obsessive) talker:

1. Appreciate what others have to say. Listening to other person’s viewpoint allows you to permit him or her to express an opinion.

2. Be a good listener. People like to be listened to.

3. Be more conscious of your behavior patterns. Acknowledge that you speak too much and behave accordingly.

4. Do not talk for the sake of talking. Restraint is good.

5. One can take up courses in being a good conversationalist.

6. Seek professional help if excessive talking is a compulsive behavior. Often people speak due to some psychological disorder or problem. A person with a nervous disposition will speak more.

7. One need not express everything on one’s mind. Certain things you must keep to yourself.

8. One should always have something important to contribute. Whatever you say should have an impact on others. They should want to listen to you. Conversation should be interesting.

9. One should avoid being pushy or aggressive while conversing. Try to convey things in fewer words. Be brief in what you say.

10. Think before you speak. It may be difficult if you are nervous. But it is better to be aware of what you are saying. You need not regret later.

11. Try not interrupting another person’s conversation as far as possible.

12. Try to allow the other person to say something. It may be difficult, but one needs to practice self-control. A good conversation is a two-way process. All of those taking part in the conversation have much to contribute. Each person must get a chance to say something.

Violating Personal Space—

Interpersonal space refers to the psychological "bubble" that exists psychologically when one person stands too close to another. There are four different zones of interpersonal space:

1. Intimate distance: ranges from touching to about 18 inches (46 cm) apart, reserve for lovers, children, close family members and friends, and pets.

2. Personal distance: begins about an arm's length away starting around 18 inches (46 cm) from the person and ending about 4 feet (122 cm) away. This space is used in conversations with friends, to chat with associates, and in group discussions.

3. Social distance: ranges from 4 to 8 feet (1.2 m - 2.4 m) away from the person and is reserved for strangers, newly formed groups, and new acquaintances.

4. Public distance: includes anything more than 8 feet (2.4 m) away, and is used for speeches, lectures, and theater. Public distance is essentially that range reserved for larger audiences.

Aspies with approach personality traits tend to be mostly in the “intimate distant” mode (i.e., they will stand within arm’s reach – even with strangers). It goes without saying that most people are taken aback by such behavior.

The absence of strong emotional responses to personal space violation is, again, the result of the Aspie’s “mind-blindness” (i.e., an inability to develop an awareness of what is in the mind of the other person). If you, as a neurotypical, did an experiment in which you purposely stood excessively close to a stranger to read his/her reaction, you would readily notice a pained expression on the other person’s face, sending you a very clear non-verbal message that he/she is alarmed. The mind-blind Aspie with approach personality traits does not receive this non-verbal cue – even though the cue was indeed sent.

Tips for the personal space violator:

1. Understand that (a) people have certain expectations about verbal and nonverbal communication behavior from other people, and (b) violations of these expectations cause arousal and distraction in them.

2. Only stand or sit within arm’s reach of close family members and romantic partners.

3. With your friends, stand or sit no closer than arm’s length.

4. With all others, stay at least 4 feet away.

5. Pay attention to the facial expressions of those you stand or sit close to. Are they grimacing, for example? If so, then you may be too close.

6. Pay attention to whether or not the other person moves away, creating addition distance between the two of you. Does he/she seem to be taking steps backwards during the conversation? If so, you may be too close.

7. If you are uncertain, ask the other person “Am I violating your personal space?” Most people will respect that question and answer honestly.

Some of the behaviors exhibited in the “approach personality” have a good side to them when these behaviors can be correctly channeled. There are many activities in which paying greater than normal attention to detail can be a definite plus, and those with a short attention span often find a place in activities demanding creativity and thinking outside the box.

As far as excessive talking is concerned, it is best that it be treated with counseling (usually in the form of “social skills training”), although there are occasional openings for stand up comics and radio talk show hosts. As far as personal space violations are concerned, it is best to reserve close proximity for those who enjoy being close to you (e.g., your mother, girlfriend, cat, etc.).

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Aspergers and the "Avoidant Personality" Type

Children, teens and adults with Aspergers (high functioning autism) vary in personality types. One type of personality is called “avoidant.” Avoidant personality is characterized by a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. This type of "Aspie" is often described as being extremely shy, inhibited in new situations, and fearful of disapproval and social rejection. Avoidant personality becomes a major component of an Aspie’s overall character and a central theme in how he relates to others.

Avoidant Personality in Aspergers Adults: Case Study—

A 30-year-old computer programmer with Aspergers presents for treatment at the urging of his new girlfriend whom he met online. He describes himself as being painfully shy since childhood. There is no history of language delay, odd interests, or unawareness of social cues. On the contrary, he tends to over-interpret cues, believing that he is being negatively viewed by others. He has always had difficulty forming close friendships – not because of a lack of desire – but because of an intense fear of rejection and disapproval. He endured adolescence with difficulty as his self-esteem dropped. In college, he became absorbed in his studies and avoided most social encounters because they were so difficult for him. After graduation, he looked for work that would minimize social interaction and opportunities to be judged by others. He did manage to meet his current girlfriend through a social networking website, but she complains that he does not relate to her in an intimate manner.

Aspies with avoidant personality tend to do some of the following:

• Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
• Stays quiet or hides in the background in order to escape notice
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
• Drinks before social situations in order to soothe nerves
• Avoids social situations to a degree that limits activities or disrupts life
• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

The following situations are often stressful for Aspies with avoidant personality:

• Attending parties or other social gatherings

• Being called on in class

• Being teased or criticized

• Being the center of attention

• Being watched while doing something

• Eating or drinking in public

• Going on a date

• Making phone calls

• Making small talk

• Meeting new people

• Performing on stage

• Public speaking

• Speaking up in a meeting

• Taking exams

• Talking with “important” people or authority figures

• Using public bathrooms

Emotional symptoms of avoidant personality include:

• Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations
• Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know
• Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous
• Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself
• Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation

Physical symptoms of avoidant personality include:

• Feeling dizzy or faint

• Racing heart or tightness in chest

• Red face, or blushing

• Shortness of breath

• Sweating or hot flashes

• Trembling or shaking (including shaky voice)

• Upset stomach, nausea (i.e. butterflies)

For Aspies with avoidant personality, evaluating for the presence of psychiatric disorders, particularly major depression, substance abuse, and other anxiety disorders, is extremely important. Because “social anxiety tendencies” are often found in other family members, a family psychiatric history is beneficial.

Help for Aspies with Avoidant Personality—

1. Avoid or limit caffeine. Coffee, tea, caffeinated soda, energy drinks, and chocolate act as stimulants that increase anxiety symptoms.

2. Challenge negative, unhelpful thoughts that trigger and fuel social anxiety, replacing them with more balanced views.

3. Drink only in moderation. You may be tempted to drink before a party or other social situation in order to calm your nerves, but alcohol actually increases your anxiety in the long run.

4. Face the social situations you fear in a gradual, systematic way, rather than avoiding them.

5. Get adequate sleep. When you’re sleep deprived, you’re more vulnerable to anxiety. Being well rested will help you stay calm in social situations.

6. Learn how to control the physical symptoms of social anxiety through relaxation techniques and breathing exercises.

7. Quit smoking. Nicotine is a powerful stimulant. Smoking leads to higher, not lower, levels of anxiety.

8. Take a social skills class or an assertiveness training class. These classes are often offered at local adult education centers or community colleges.

9. Volunteer doing something you enjoy, such as walking dogs in a shelter, or stuffing envelopes for a campaign — anything that will give you an activity to focus on while you are also engaging with a small number of like-minded people.

10. Work on your communication skills. Good relationships depend on clear, emotionally-intelligent communication. If you find that you have trouble connecting to others, learning the basic skills of emotional intelligence can help.

The opposite of the "avoidant personality" is the "approach personality," which is discussed in another post (click here).

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Married to an Aspie: Advice for the Neurotypical Spouse

Many “neurotypical” spouses (i.e., the spouse without Aspergers) often feel overly responsible for their Aspergers partner; however, it is important to acknowledge that there is choice connected to that responsibility.

If you choose to take on responsibility for others, decide on how much and when you feel it is appropriate.

Tips for the neurotypical partner:

1. Acknowledging that your Aspergers spouse will “not get better” or be “transformed” into the person you thought he was can sometimes help with your tolerance level. Certain behavior can be modified or changed, which can make daily life less stressful for both you and your Aspie. For example, routines and agreed timetables can help, as can looking at how you talk and what language is used. With acceptance of the condition come a range of other issues, such as grief and the realization of what is not going to be. For some, there will be a feeling of disappointment, loss and unfulfilled potential. Talking to a counselor can really help. They can listen and empower you to explore the issues, emotions and choices.

2. Do not leave ambiguity in your statements, and do not assume your wishes or emotions are acknowledged and understood. For example, it may not be enough to remind your Aspie that you have family over for a meal. You may need to go through the evening in detail, explaining what you want him to do, and not do (e.g., greet everyone once, and don’t go to bed before the guests leave, etc.).

3. Know that you are not alone (although it may often feel as though this is the case). Professionals are getting better at recognizing the condition and developing appropriate service – although this will often seem too slow for many needing help now. Use what help is available through a partner support group and/or counseling.

4. Often times, neurotypical partners spend so much time looking after others that their own needs are not acknowledged by themselves or others. Decide what you want and how you can get it (e.g., where can you go for conversation, support, etc.). Take time out to pamper yourself – whatever helps to relieve your stress.

5. Try and see what structures may help and what may hinder. For example, it might be important to agree how meal times will be conducted (e.g., sitting down together at the table). To be rigid on all times (e.g., we will eat at 6pm) may be more difficult if you cannot always meet the schedule (e.g., dinner at 6.15pm may cause stress to both of you).

6. Aspergers is a complex condition, and it is important that your source of moral support is informed and understanding of these complexities. The benefit in talking to someone who understands many facets of Aspergers should not be under-estimated.

7. Ending the relationship is certainly an option. It is important to get legal advice so that you understand the financial and practical implications of separation. Advice from a legal professional is exactly that – it does not mean you have to leave; it can just help eliminate the unknown. Counseling can be helpful in making the right decision about whether or not to file for divorce.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples