Parenting Aspergers Children: How to Cope

Question

It can be exhausting coping with my 9 year old. I often feel like a failure because I struggle to cope sometimes. Is that normal?

Answer

The diagnosis of a serious condition such as Aspergers brings many changes and demands to the family. It is not uncommon for family members to feel depressed and the NAS Autism Helpline receives thousands of calls a year from families who are under many pressures. So you are not alone!

Having a child with Aspergers has the potential to place a great deal of strain on families. Couples struggle with issues of blame, whose fault is it, and guilt. Daily routines are a constant challenge. A special needs child often comes with additional financial costs to the family.

Dealing with the school can seem like a full-time job. The time that it takes to care for a special needs child can leave other family relationships with no attention.

So in order to avoid burnout, parents must make time for themselves. Parents often respond to this suggestion by saying that they don't have any time to do that! However, what you need to keep in mind is that even a few minutes a day can make a difference. Some parents just do such simple things as apply hand lotion or cook their favorite dinners to make themselves feel better.

Parents, just like individuals with Aspergers need rewards in order to be motivated. Parents who have children with autism have even more of a need to reward themselves, because parenting their child is often frustrating and stressful.

In addition to rewarding themselves, family members need to reward one another. Spouses need to acknowledge the hard work that each is achieving. Also remember to thank siblings for watching or helping out their brothers and sisters.

It is also important that spouses try to spend some time alone. Again, the quantity of time is not as important as the quality. This may include watching television together when the children are asleep, going out to dinner, or meeting for lunch when the children are in school.

Families may also want to occasionally engage in activities without the individual with Aspergers. This may include mom, dad and the siblings attending an amusement park together. Often families feel guilty not including the individual with Aspergers, but everyone deserves to enjoy time together that is not threatened by the challenges of Aspergers.

Search your area for support groups or networks. It gives us comfort to know that we are not the only ones experiencing a particularly stressful situation. In addition, one can get the most useful advise from others struggling with the same challenges.

Support groups for parents, siblings and grandparents are available through educational programs, parent resource centers, autism societies and Developmental Disabilities Offices. In addition, there are now online supports available for family members.

Aspergers and Sexual Behavior

Sexual behavior and Aspergers can be a real matter of concern for teachers and moms and dads throughout the world as introducing the very topic of sexual behavior and its importance to kids is a very delicate thing and can be very difficult as well and when it comes to a child or a young one with Aspergers, situations get far more complicated. A youngster with Aspergers is considered to be mildly autistic, and therefore his or her disorder is enlisted under PDD of Pervasive Developmental Disorder. In this case the youngster learns the language with ease and without any delays unlike an autistic youngster, but he or she continues to have problems relating to social interactions as well as in understanding the point of view of another person.

It is very difficult for a person with Aspergers to express his or her own feelings and it also gets very hard for them to understand the various social norms and cues. This particular disability leads to certain inappropriate sexual behaviors like:

• They start up a conversation about sexual behavior with those not comfortable with it and stress on the continuation of the conversation

• They resort to inappropriate touching of others

• They often stare at the sexual organs of the opposite sex which is extremely inappropriate

• They often resort to displaying their sexual organs in public

• These young ones do not understand that they are not supposed to touch themselves in public and they tend to doing it

Individuals with Aspergers find it very difficult to find a partner for long term relationships as they are not able to communicate well at all. They fail badly when it comes to expressing any sorts of feelings which does not mean that they do not feel. But when it comes to understanding the feelings and emotions of the partner they have a really hard time as individuals with Aspergers feel lack of empathy for other individuals and they fail to get the undertone of the speaker as well. They also have a difficulty in controlling their feelings and often succumb to outburst which is not always easy for the partner.

What moms and dads can do to help their kids having Aspergers when it comes to sexuality and sexual behavior is to make sure that they bring up the topic in front of the youngster in a very normal, frank as well as open way. Discussing a specific event right after it has taken place in not a good idea but then again kids with Aspergers respond well to specific details. The spouse or the partner can also help him or her out in more ways than one and specially by understanding the disorder and also by taking help from a professional therapist. When the various social cues are made understood to the person with Aspergers it becomes relatively easier for him or her to get a hold of appropriate or inappropriate sexual behavior.

Aspergers and HFA Children Who Are Addicted To The Computer

Question

My son was diagnosed with Aspergers, he talks fine, eye contact sometimes, but still in his own world. He is ten. At the age of 3 or 4 was playing video games and beating all of them from Zelda to hand held games. Good visual, but socialization not good, he has been on the computer now for a good year and a half, taught himself language C and language C++, goes on Youtube, became a spammer, writes his own programs, don't really know what they do. Lives almost his social life through it. Don't know what to do. Can't get him off, he literally cries. But so smart, but can't figure out what to do for him next. Please help.

Answer

Here are some "self-help" strategies for computer addiction:

Some Aspergers and high-functioning autistic (HFA) children develop bad habits in their computer use that cause them significant problems in their lives. The types of behavior and negative consequences are similar to those of known addictive disorders; therefore, the term Computer or Internet Addiction has come into use.

While anyone who uses a computer could be vulnerable, those Aspergers and HFA children who are lonely, shy, easily bored, or suffering from another addiction or impulse control disorder as especially vulnerable to computer abuse.

Computer abuse can result from these children using it repeatedly as their main stress reliever, instead of having a variety of ways to cope with negative events and feelings. Other misuses can include procrastination from undesirable responsibilities, distraction from being upset, and attempts to meet needs for companionship and belonging.

While discussions are ongoing about whether excessive use of the computer/Internet is an addiction, the potential problematic behaviors and effects on the users seem to be clear.

The Signs of Problematic Computer Use—

A child or teen who is “addicted” to the computer is likely to have several of the experiences and feelings on the list below. How many of them describe you?

• When you are not on the computer, you think about it frequently and anticipate when you will use it again.
• You develop problems in school or on the job as a result of the time spent and the type of activities accessed on the computer.
• You feel anxious, depressed, or irritable when your computer time is shortened or interrupted.
• You find yourself lying to your boss and family about the amount of time spent on the computer and what you do while on it.
• You have mixed feelings of well-being and guilt while at the computer.
• You lose track of time while on the computer.
• You make unsuccessful efforts to quit or limit your computer use.
• You neglect friends, family and/or responsibilities in order to be online.
• You use the computer repeatedly as an outlet when sad, upset, or for sexual gratification.

Being “addicted” to the computer also can cause physical discomfort. Are you suffering from the following physical problems?

• Back aches and neck aches
• Carpal Tunnel Syndrome (pain, numbness, and burning in your hands that can radiate up the wrists, elbows, and shoulders)
• Dry eyes or strained vision
• Severe headaches
• Sleep disturbances

Do any of these stories sound familiar to you?

• Almost all of your friends are from on-line activities and contacts.
• You connect to the Internet and suddenly discover it is several hours later and you have not left the computer.
• You have difficulty getting your homework done because computer games occupy a great deal of your time.
• You spend most of your time on-line talking to friends from home, instead of making new friends at college.
• Your friends are worried about you going on a date alone with a person known only from a chat room.
• Your romantic partner is distraught because you have replaced your sexual relationship with Internet pornography and online sex.

Treatment must begin with recognizing that there is a problem. Overcoming denial should be followed by other treatment steps, including:

• Assessing for other disorders like depression or anxiety that may need medical treatment.
• Assistance in locating or forming a support group for other students who are trying to regain control over their computer use.
• Focusing on other areas for needed skill enhancement, such as problem solving, assertiveness, social skills, overcoming shyness, and anger control.
• Generating a behavior modification plan, such as setting a timer for usage, planning a daily schedule, keeping a log of moods when going online, matching time spent online with time spent socializing face to face and taking part in non-computer related activities.

How to Help Computer Obsessed Friends—

• Be a good role model. Manage the computer use in your own life well.
• Encourage them to seek professional counseling.
• Get them involved in some non-computer related fun.
• Introduce them to some other kids who handle their computer use sensibly.
• Support their desire for change if they think they have a problem.
• Talk to your friends about your concerns with their computer use.

==> My Aspergers Child: Preventing Meltdowns and Home and School


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… A Beautiful Mind is an amazing movie. My son is 16, with a similar obsession. Our social skills counselor has suggested taking it away completely so that he is forces to make new choices. Yes, it comes with crying and meltdowns but about 10 says in it evens out. We do not give him the out to be anti social. His phsychiatrist asked him if he likes to swim, he said,yes but he hates the feel of the concrete under his feet or to wear "stupid" swim shoes. Well Chris, he said, to get to the water you have yo learn to cross the uncomfortable part. He gets that now. We no longer ask him to go to the park or to dinner, or other public, places. He is told hours ahead, remindes,closer to, then told to get his shoea on we are leaving in 10 minutes. He may not like it but he complies. We are mindful of outings with him and choose uncomfortable but doable activities. He has friends at school but rarely interacts with them on the weekend. The hardest part is beinhg the parent who has to force our Aspies forward in life.
•    Anonymous said… Brilliant talented boy..sit chat to him whilst he is in his computer world talk to him..it's all social interaction. .Also you will be very surprised he is listening to all that is around him even when on computer..is it in a social place in the house?!x  The talent your boy has is amazing but I know what you worry about the social side of things ,cause as a parent it's what we worry about most. .for child to have friends be excepted join in with things they love. .and breaks your heart to watch them not being able to (my son recently at a football party frown emoticon..)joined in at the end to eat some food on his own while everyone had finished and gone back out to play..!!.:(breaks me ...buy hey still love him keep trying ..it's all we can do x ♡
•    Anonymous said… Can you please explain ppd-nos?
•    Anonymous said… find a great speech pathologist to work with him on social skills practice and learning of mechanics of social norms. also- it's helped us to limit video game time to a specific time each day- he knows ahead of time what the expecation is (when he can play and how long) and much like sleep training babies it's hard and tough at first, but setting limits does work. Maybe he can earn extra video game time for doing chores or going to speech/ playing a turn taking game with you. rewards to motivate help a lot!
•    Anonymous said… Get in to his world with him and even though you might not enjoy it he will love you for it , ( please try to show you are enjoying it , even if he tells you u you suck at it ) when he feels safe with you being in it , you can then try to get him to do things with you, he will feel safe to do that then because he trusts you For them it's a safe world in these games because they are in control the real world frustrates them as they have no control over it its to much ... Good luck
•    Anonymous said… He's identical to my son but we played to his strengths and now as an adult he makes a living from coding and computers plus has become a unique and highly loved young man. Don't give up they're worth the effort!
•    Anonymous said… I bought mine a pony - only reason he will leave the house or minecraft. Rides him then walks straight back home lol. He has started doing fire brigade and I love that he is loving it, found something he's good at because it's pyhsical but does'n require much coordination
•    Anonymous said… I'm sure she's not complaining. I bet she knows that socialization and real life can't be entirely via the computer. And the people in the real world can't all join him in his world. It's pretty hard to know how to break out of that. I don't know him, so I don't know if there are any other interests he has that can be capitalized on. Hoping another person can share what they have found to be helpful. So...following...the article is good too...
•    Anonymous said… keep trying smile emoticon Although he possibly will work for microsoft I beleive it's our job to offer them a balanced childhood and the opportunity to try new things - good luck
•    Anonymous said… Look for computer group or activites. Look for day camps. Try and find out if there is something more he wants to learn. Need to find other kids his age that are into it!
•    Anonymous said… Lots of great advice in this stream... You parents are doing an awesome job!!
•    Anonymous said… microsoft... they have been hiring autistic people from the beginning
•    Anonymous said… my god son was same he left school at 16y.hes in bed withddepression now not doing a thing not wanting anything...not wanting to sit on his computer anymore.... he was same.... too bad his mum didnt stop it when she could
•    Anonymous said… My son was diagnosed with Asperger's at 8 (he is now 12 and in middle school) and, like your son, is pretty brilliant with computers. He also loves engineering and enjoys the circuitry side of them. Anyway, here is the deal we made with him. "Fun" computer time is weekend/holidays only, and weekdays the computer is for school only. Each year he has to try something new that the school offers or that we can get him into. It can be brand new or a continuation of something that he has connected with from prior years. Last year he decided to give instrumental music a try, and decided to take beginning strings with the Violin. That was in 5th grade. Turns out, he liked that one and has continued it. He's now in his second year and has joined the school orchestra. Studies show that playing a musical instrument can improve cognitive development and create new neural connections. We've seen some changes since he picked up that beautiful instrument, and he's pretty good at it, since music is so mathematic. We even use a computer program, SmartMusic, to support his learning. It's a natural fit for his learning methodologies. His new thing this year was to join the Rocket Club at his school, sponsored by the Technology teacher, which meets every Thursday. They build engineering projects and follow what NASA and MarsOne are doing. So, my very longwinded point here is this .... if you look hard enough, you can find activities that both appeal to him and socialize him. Think outside the box, and be firm about that computer time. Just because he's good at it, doesn't mean he should spend all of his time doing it. Help him to become a bit more well-rounded while you have him at home. It will benefit him later.
•    Anonymous said… This describes my 12 yr old, and I believe God has a reason and a plan for him. How do you take away the only thing that seems to make him feel normal and happy? I can't do it. My son has a therapist, but the truth is, he is doing what feels natural to him. I pray a lot and trust he will be a good adult, and he will
•    Anonymous said… Try to find a high school or college level computer programming class or group that he can join. If he's around other people that share his interest, it will be easier for him to socialize. Right now he is only finding those people online.
•    Anonymous said… Wartch A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG MIND movie. Might make you feel better.
•    Anonymous said… With my sedentary life I gained a lot in recent years and lost all my self esteem, but now in 2015 out of my comfort zone and lost weight 28 pounds on a diet that site here ROG9 .COM
•    Anonymous said… Wow, super smart boy, with an interest that he can turn into a career, and that gives him a social life, and you're complaining?! Maybe join him in his world, get him to teach you programming? Could lead to something great.
•    Anonymous said… You are not alone - there are so many of us with kids who have varying levels of ASD. Do whatever you can in terms of therapy that is available- THAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU AS HIS PARENT. What is good for one family, is not acceptable for another. The most important thing is that he must be happy - anxiety is a serious and debilitating factor in ASD.

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Aspergers/HFA and ADD

"My 12 year old was recently diagnosed with having asperger's. He doesn't fit the typical mold that I read about, and the neuro-psychologist agreed that he is an unusual case. He is extremely likable, has a good many friends, very polite and well mannered. He does however have the obsessive personality and hyper-focusing that is typical with asperger's as well as fascination with collecting things, bottle caps, shark teeth...which he can look for hours at a time for. He is very smart and has always made great grades and has never had behavior issues at home or at school, which is probably why he flew under the radar until now. Our struggles have to do with his attention...as if he is ADD (tested negative three times). He literally cannot stay on task and is so easily distracted. After a "pep" talk stating that he "owns" his brain and he can control the urges if he puts his mind to it...he can produce. I know its short term but he doesn’t and he feels great when he knocks out something. Remember, we just found out...so we've always treated him as "normal" as the others, why wouldn't we? And again, he's always risen to the challenge of most anything...with a great attitude. I'm desperately looking for ways to help him stay on task with schoolwork and staying on task? Is there anyone there that might know of something, tips, tricks, etc.? Please let me know."

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