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Fight, Flight or Pretend: The 3 Anger Styles in High-Functioning Autistic Kids

“My 8 y.o. son Cory has a diagnosis of autism (high functioning) and has uncontrollable outbursts and aggression when things don’t go his way. He often becomes so distraught that his suffering is palpable. The emotions vivid on his face. His little body tense with distress. Sometimes he will meltdown, at other times he shuts down. Is this just par for the course with autism? Is there anything that can help reduce the intensity, duration and frequency of these behaviors?”

RE: “Is this just par for the course with autism?”

Yes! Many moms and dads recognize that their high-functioning autistic (Asperger’s) youngster has a problem with anger-control. Many feel that their youngster needs to develop some anger-control skills, or needs to find some kind of counseling that will help him get along better in life (e.g., at school, with a parent, with siblings and classmates, etc.). In some cases, professionals have diagnosed a highly-aggressive youngster on the spectrum with Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

Generally, anger falls into three main categories: 1) Fight, 2) Flight, or 3) Pretend to be “Flighting” (while finding indirect ways to Fight). Most high-functioning autistic kids with anger-control problems will go to either extreme of fight or flight. They tend to become aggressive and hostile, or they withdraw into themselves and become extremely quiet, silently stubborn, and depressed (i.e., a shutdown).

“The Fighters”: Child Anger Turned to Aggression—



The Fighters are pretty simple to recognize. They are aggressive. Many times, the characteristics of high-functioning autistic kids with severe anger-control problems are included in the professional diagnosis for Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Some of the warning signs in the following list are taken from the criteria for professional diagnosis. Others are additional common signs of anger-control problems for kids that are Fighters.
  • Uncontrollable fits of rage (usually these tantrums are used as threats to get their way)
  • Seriously violates rules (e.g., at home, in school, or society in general)
  • Seems to have “emotional diarrhea” and “lets it all out - all the time”
  • Physically disruptive (e.g., hitting the parent)
  • Openly and often defiant of requests
  • Often feels rules are “stupid” or don’t apply to them
  • Often demeans or swears directly to parent or others in authority positions
  • Makes threats
  • Loud voice and yelling
  • Initiates fights with others
  • Has left holes in walls and doors from violent outbursts
  • Furious temper
  • Frequently vocalizes anger
  • Does not follow rules
  • Difficulty accepting a “no” answer
  • Destroys property

The “Fighters” have anger-control problems when the problems are creating an unsafe situation for themselves, for others, or for property around them. If parents or siblings are the focus of physical aggression, the problem is extremely critical to address. High-functioning autistic teens who have abused others as kids are at a higher risk of becoming a threat to society than those who have not. Where these warning signs seem to be a part of daily life, intervention is strongly suggested. Intervention can be through anger-control counseling, or through a program dedicated and experienced in working with autistic kids with emotional regulation difficulties.
 

“The Flighters”: Child Anger Turned to Passive Responses—

The Flighters can also be fairly simple to recognize. They are passive. They do not fight back when confronted. Many of their traits may coincide with the diagnosis of depression. Some of the warning signs below are taken from the professional diagnosis for depression, and others are additional common signs of “shutdowns” for Flighters.
  • Tends to spend a lot of time alone
  • Seems withdrawn
  • Seems to hold anger in
  • Seems to have very little emotion
  • Seems depressed
  • Seems “emotionally constipated”
  • Physical problems may include upset stomach, muscle aches, backaches, frequent headaches, or other physical symptoms from “holding it in”
  • May simply “go along” with whatever - even when it is a poor decision
  • May punch holes in walls or kick doors when “the last straw drops”
  • May have few friends
  • May blame self unnecessarily
  • May be seen as a “loner”
  • Holds anger in, then “blows up” suddenly and violently
  • Has difficulty expressing emotions
  • Extremely passive to the point of getting “walked over” by others
  • Does not engage in much conversation
  • Deals with difficult emotions by “cutting” the emotions off

The “Flighters” are in danger of destroying themselves emotionally from within. They are like a balloon being constantly blown into with no release valve. When they explode, their anger may be violent, and may lead to harming themselves, harming others, or destroying property. Internalized anger is potentially as destructive to a youngster as aggressive anger.

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
 
“The Pretenders”: Child Anger Silently Planning Revenge—

Perhaps the most difficult to detect, the Pretenders follow an anger style that seems to be calm on the surface, but is raging, scheming, and planning underneath. They are passive-aggressive. These kids do not directly confront the anger as a Fighter would do. They will be passive and appear to accept what is said, and then will disregard what is said to do their own thing. They are sneaky. Often, they may be unnoticed. While they are giving a person a hug, they are also stabbing them in the back (so to speak). They lack the courage to be direct, and perfect the skills to be deceitful. They know where the “back door” to revenge is, and will use it often. They will give the appearance of a Flighter. The list of Flighter traits also applies to them. Some additional traits to look for with Pretenders are as follows:
  • Tends to sabotage
  • Tends to avoid direct conflict while creating problems in other areas
  • Sneaky behaviors
  • Often gets caught in lies
  • May not admit mistakes
  • May be very good at blaming others
  • Inconsistency between what is said and what is done

High-functioning autistic kids who try to manage their anger through the Pretender style are as potentially dangerous to others and themselves as the other styles. Moms and dads tend to underestimate the Pretender style, because the danger does not seem to be as bad as the aggressive Fighter.

The Hostility Cycle—

From an anger-control perspective, an episode of anger can be viewed as consisting of three phases: escalation, explosion, and post-explosion. Together, they make up the hostility cycle. In this process, the escalation phase is characterized by cues that indicate anger is building. These cues can be physical, behavioral, emotional, or cognitive (thoughts). If the escalation phase is allowed to continue, the explosion phase will follow. The explosion phase is marked by uncontrollable anger displayed as verbal or physical aggressiveness. The final stage of the hostility cycle is the post-explosion phase, which is characterized by negative consequences resulting from the verbal or physical aggression displayed during the explosion phase.

The intensity, frequency, and duration of anger in the hostility cycle varies among children. For example, one high-functioning autistic youngster’s anger may escalate rapidly after a provocative event and, within just a few minutes, reach the explosion phase. Another youngster’s anger may escalate slowly but steadily over several hours before reaching the explosion phase. Similarly, one child may experience more episodes of anger and progress through the hostility cycle more often than the other. Despite differences in how quickly the anger escalates and how frequently anger is expressed, the child will undergo all three phases of the hostility cycle.
 

The intensity of the high-functioning autistic youngster’s anger also may differ. One child may engage in more violent behavior than the other in the explosion phase (e.g., he may assault someone). Another child may express his anger during the explosion phase by shouting at or threatening parents. Regardless of these individual differences, the explosion phase is synonymous with losing control and becoming verbally or physically aggressive.




RE: “Is there anything that can help reduce the intensity, duration and frequency of these behaviors?”

Absolutely! Here are some crucial strategies to help teach your son more constructive ways to deal with anger and frustration:

1. When Cory becomes frustrated, use those incidents as "on-the-spot lessons" to help him learn to calm himself down (rather than always relying on you to calm him down). Every time he acts-out due to low-frustration tolerance, ALWAYS use that moment as a teaching moment. For example, explain to him that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting frustrated. We should listen to these signs, because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help Cory recognize what specific warning signs he may have that tells him he is starting to get angry (e.g., I talk louder, my cheeks get hot, I clench my fists, my heart starts pounding, my mouth gets dry, I breathe faster, etc.).

2. Use books and social stories about anger to help your son understand and manage it. Well-presented stories about anger and other emotions validate a youngster's feelings and give information about anger. It is important to preview all books about anger, because some stories teach irresponsible anger-control.

3. Use role-playing, puppets, or videos to teach social skills (e.g., how to treat each other, how to work out disagreements, etc.).

4. Use feeling words to help Cory understand the emotions of others (e.g., “Robbie is sitting alone and looks very sad; he may be lonely” …or “When Michael tripped, he looked embarrassed”).

5. Train your son to respond to your "signal" (e.g., a hand motion) to stay calm. Give that signal as soon as he starts "stewing" about something. Alternatively, you can use distraction as soon as you notice him exhibiting an anger sign. If he refuses to be distracted or engaged in dialoguing about his anger and starts yelling, stomping or breaking an object, impose appropriate consequences. But, have these consequences in place ahead of time to serve as a guideline. That means that you have discussed them beforehand and written them out for future reference. Armed with a list of consequences (which preferably consist of withdrawing privileges or charging your son a "penalty"), encourage him to choose such alternatives as doing something else, walking away, or talking about the anger rather than acting it out.
 

6. Try a "time-in" rather than a "time-out." As a parent, you are Cory's main guide in life. He relies on you to be there with him through his difficult emotional experiences, whatever that may be. Thus, no time-out and no isolation may be the best option on occasion. Instead, try a "time-in." Sit with Cory and incorporate other methods mentioned in this post (e.g., work on breathing with him, ask him questions about his feelings, etc.). The important thing is to be fully present with Cory to help him through his emotions. Remember, you are teaching him social skills to be in relationships with others, rather than acting out alone. When some autistic kids are isolated, they often ruminate and feel guilty for their behavior. This only serves to create low self-esteem, which often cycles back to creating behavioral problems.

7. The thought "It's not fair" is a big anger-arouser for many high-functioning autistic kids. If that is the case, ask your son, "Do you feel you are being treated unfairly?" When he answers the question, listen and don't rush to negate his feelings.

8. Teach Cory to take a time-out from the difficult situation and have some “alone-time” for a few minutes. During the time-out, he can rethink the situation, calm down, and determine what to do next. The length of the time-out is determined by the intensity of the emotion. An autistic youngster who is simply frustrated may just need to take a deep breath. The youngster who is infuriated probably needs to leave the room and settle down. After Cory has calmed down, it’s time to decide on a more appropriate response to the situation. There are at least 3 positive choices: talk about it, get help, or slow down. Simplifying the choices makes the decision process easier. Even autistic kids can learn to respond constructively to frustration when they know there are just a few choices.  These choices are skills to be learned. Take time to teach Cory these skills, and practice them as responses to mad feelings.

9. Teach your son to talk about how he feels. Give him a language to express his feelings. If he is too angry to talk or doesn't have the words to express his feelings, ask about the feelings relevant to the specific situation. For example, "Do you feel rejected?" "Hurt?" "Let down?" …etc. When your son expresses the feeling behind his anger (e.g., embarrassment or rejection), suggest some other ways to look at the same event that might not be embarrassing or humiliating.

10. Some high-functioning autistic kids get upset when they know they made a mistake. Instead of admitting their mistake, they act out in anger to deflect the attention off of them. If you realize that this might be the case, it's helpful to say to your son, "Everyone makes mistakes. I am okay with it. Don't feel so bad about it."

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
 

11. Stop any and all physically aggressive behaviors! Say something like, "I can't let you hurt each other," or "I can't let you hurt me." Then remove Cory as gently as possible.

12. Sometimes an autistic child’s anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in his life. Not all anger is misplaced. Occasionally it's a healthy, natural response to the difficulties that the “special needs” child faces. There is a common belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to the parent’s frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. Thus, the best attitude to bring to such a circumstance is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle the problem as painlessly as possible.

13. Try to establish a home environment that reduces anger and teaches tolerance. For example, you can set a personal example for your son that "big people apologize when they hurt someone” and “it's o.k. to loose and try again.”

14. Simple relaxation tools can help Cory calm down. For example, he can (a) use imagery and visualize a relaxing experience from either his memory or his imagination; (b) slowly repeat a calm word or phrase (e.g., “relax” or “take it easy”) and repeat it to himself; (c) breathe deeply from his diaphragm (however, breathing from the chest won't relax him, so he should picture his breath coming up from the belly).

15. Resist taking Cory’s angry outbursts personally. His motives have more to do with alleviating uncomfortable emotions than with deliberately trying to be “nasty.”

16. One thing that makes many moms and dads angry is to see their youngster challenging their authority and defying them. Sometimes it may appear so, but that may not be the intention of the high-functioning autistic youngster. For example, the child may be too unhappy to be told ‘no’ because he wants something so badly. Of course, you shouldn't give in to your son’s demands, but try to understand what might really be his intention.

17. Many children on the autism spectrum act-out because they simply don’t know how to express their anger any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to express their emotions. To help Cory express his frustrations appropriately, create an “emotion words” poster together (e.g., "Let’s think of all the words we could use that tell others we’re really frustrated"). Then list his ideas (e.g., angry, mad, annoyed, furious, irritated, etc.). Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When Cory is upset, use the words so he can apply them to real life (e.g., "Looks like you’re really frustrated. Want to talk about it?" …or "You seem really annoyed. Do you need to walk it off?"). Then keep adding new feeling words to the list whenever new ones come up in those "teachable moments" throughout the day.

18. Listen, reflect and validate (without judgment) the feelings Cory expresses. After listening, help him identify the true feeling underlying the anger (e.g., hurt, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear, etc.). Say something like, "That hurt when your friend was mean to you," or “It was scary to have those boys bully you.”

19. Involve Cory in making a small list of “house rules” (e.g., we work out differences peacefully, we use self-control, we listen to others, we are kind to each other, etc.). Write them down and post them on the refrigerator. Make the rules clear, and follow through with meaningful consequences that are appropriate for Cory’s age when the rules are ignored.

20. Model responsible anger-control yourself. High-functioning autistic kids have an impaired ability to understand emotion when their parents show a lot of anger. Parents who are most effective in helping their kids manage anger model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings, and by expressing anger in direct and non-aggressive ways.
 

21. Help Cory to understand that anger is a natural emotion that everyone has. Say something like, "It's normal to feel angry. Everyone feels angry from time to time, but it is not O.K. to hurt others."

22. Help your son develop self-regulatory skills. Parents of kids on the spectrum do a lot of “child-regulation work" (i.e., doing things ‘for’ their child rather than ‘with’ their child). This is because parents know that their child has a very limited ability to regulate emotions. As the high-functioning autistic child gets older, parents can gradually transfer control to their child so that he can develop self-regulatory skills.

23. Facilitate communication and problem solving with Cory by asking questions (e.g., How can I help you? What can you do to help yourself? What do you need? Is your behavior helping you solve your problem? …and so on).

24. Encourage Cory to accept responsibility for his anger and to gain control by asking himself the following questions: Did I do or say anything to create the problem? If so, how can I make things better? How can I keep this issue from happening again?

25. Create a “ways to relax” poster. There are dozens of ways to help autistic kids calm down when they first start to get bent out of shape. Unfortunately, most of these “special needs” children have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. Thus, they keep getting into trouble because the only behavior they know is inappropriate ways to express their frustration. So, talk with Cory about more acceptable "replacement behaviors.” Make a big poster listing them (e.g., draw pictures, hit a pillow, listen to music, run a lap, shoot baskets, sing a song, talk to someone, think of a peaceful place, walk away, etc.). Once he chooses a replacement behavior, encourage him to use the same strategy each time he starts to get upset.

26. Encourage your son to “label” his emotions. For example, a permanent record (book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for “anger” (furious, mad, hot, irritated, annoyed), and he can refer to it when discussing angry feelings.

27. Be sure to VALUE what Cory is experiencing. For example, if he is hurt and crying, never say, "Stop crying." Instead, validate his experience by saying something like, "I’m sure that hurts. That would make me cry too." This makes an ally out of you, rather than a target for free-floating anger. As an ally, Cory learns to trust you, realizing you are there for him no matter what. If he can trust you, he can learn to trust himself and the outer world.

28. Acknowledge strong emotions, helping Cory to save face (e.g., say, "It must be hard to get a low score after you tried so hard").

29. All of us exhibit some "signs" just as we begin to get angry. So, it’s actually fairly easy to identify the “anger signs” in a youngster with high-Functioning Autism. For example, you may detect a certain look in the eye, a tone of voice, or a tightness in your child’s body. Thus, your first course of action is to help him observe these signs right at the onset of anger. Once he can identify the early signs of his anger, he can also learn to diffuse it by self-soothing techniques (e.g., walking away, taking full and vigorous breaths, etc.).

30. Lastly, help Cory understand that he can “choose” how to react when he feels angry or frustrated. Teach him self-control and positive ways to cope with negative impulses (e.g., write about feelings, tense body and then relax, tell someone how you feel, play music or sing, look at books or read, hug a pet or a stuffed animal, find a quiet place or sit alone, exercise, draw or play with clay, count slowly, calm self by breathing deeply, etc.).

By using a few of the ideas listed above, you can help strengthen your relationship with your high-functioning autistic youngster and give him the tools he needs to cope effectively with frustration and anger.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 
 
More articles for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

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Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

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Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

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Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

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Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here
to read the full article...

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Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...
 
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A child with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can have difficulty in school because, since he fits in so well, many adults may miss the fact that he has a diagnosis. When these children display symptoms of their disorder, they may be seen as defiant or disruptive.

Click here for the full article...

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS [for Dec., 2016]

 Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.

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My 21 year old son is sure I've been "talking to someone", since my parenting has changed.  I was appalled to hear myself described so clearly when you described an overindulgent parent. He had never been diagnosed, but has demonstrated defiant behavior his entire life. In retrospect, I wish I had recognized the link between his sensory issues and his anxiety. I can't tell you how many school counselors told me that I was doing a good job, he just has a defiant personality, and to hang in there.  Now, after 2 Baker Acts in the past 2 years and multiple psychiatrists, his list includes SPD, GAD, major depressive disorder, and PTSD (from the first Baker Act!).

It is painful, I'm dealing with a lot of "mouth" while cutting the purse strings, and he is truly a manipulative genius!  For the first time, I feel empowered. I have to listen over and over to figure out how to handle him, but I truly thank you!

Believe it or not, it is my daughter who has Aspergers. She is finishing her second year with City Year, which I described to my husband as a two year therapy session, with all of the focus on communication and team building for Corps members. She lived away from home while attending college, (despite roommate problems and deciding she was a lesbian), and is starting applications for her graduate degree in the medical field while back at home. She plans on moving out for school.

Thank you again. I only wish I'd found you before he turned 18!!!

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Mark,
My son is 33 now. Thought we had him on the right path.
I have not been able to find good consequences though.

He was arrested on Wednesday November 30. He is facing a court trial on Tuesday December 6 2016. For mental health issues. It is very serious

I was trying to wait until he could pay for counseling but now this makes it more urgent. He was out of control at the arrest. He now thinks it is something he can win or loose. He does not get that it is about his behavior.

I already realize that I allowed this behavior.

I would like to find someone to help him tomorrow. Just to show the courts we are starting the process. I have contacted you before.

He just started a good job this year and was making progress. In 2013 an evaluation stated: "I am very amazed at the progress Craig has made with all the issues he has"

I believe he needs therapy. I would like to prove faith that we are seriously working on things. I am trying to make an appt with a therapist that we already have had a meeting with here in Spokane but I don't know if he is available. We were trying to have Craig get the money up. He wanted that.

If there was a way to meet with a therapist to address Craig's emotions regarding the trial I believe it would help. 

Do you or do you know someone I could touch bases with tomorrow? On a one time eval maybe. Or what works best. It could be ongoing. Skype would be fine. I can pay.

I guess you could see that I am highly anxious and I need some therapy to learn how to deal with Craig better.

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Well... how to begin... I'm from Brazil and my english may sucks, but I hope you can understand me. I'm in love with an aspie for almost 10 years. We have a long history of relationship and break-ups, but I thought that phase has gone. We was about to complete 2 years of marriage when he come to me saying that he only loved me like a mother or a sister. My world just fell apart. We had such a good relationship... Now I see that I didn't embrace his disability on the totallity, but I did my best at the time. I didn't want to abandon him. I know that you said in your book that sometimes they just need their time... I just want to know, is it common? For how long? Will he ever come back to me so we can work our marriage in a more correct way? I think that maybe I didn't studied enough about him... I can't stop thinking where I did get wrong even when he tells me that there's no one fault. I would be the best I could for him. Maybe I'm just selfish to think that I need him the same way he needed me. He says that I am the love of his life, that he gave me his best years.. even thought, he decided that we couldn't live together anymore. Now I know that he doesn't lie, specially saying things like that. Don't know if he think he isn't enough for me, like he said "he couldn't be the husband I need". Is it about his self steem? I'm sorry for this outflow. I admit that I had a meltdown after all of that, but now I'm recovering. I just need to say that your book helped me so much to understand more of him, but unfortunally just after he leave me. Maybe I'm just still imature, maybe he want to live new things away from me... I just need to understand why...

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Where do I begin. My daughter up until recently was your ideal child she's quiet gets good grades and very soft spoken. However, lately she is acting up in school. Seeking attention in all the wrong avenues and as your video stated I'm lost on what to do. Good ol fashion butt whipping is what my grams said, she needs counseling is what my mother said, I don't believe spanking a kid is the answer and counseling put me in debt and no closer to a solution. Please help I have taken everything from her: electronics, the privilege of wearing regular clothes to school, no extra goodies snacks or otherwise and yet here I stand still with no solution. Un fortunately I don't have any examples to follow in my family. Television is truly what raised me. I'm open to ideas on what I can do to bridge the gap.

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Thank you, Mark.
That helped a lot. I was able to get paperwork together. The trial was postponed to another date due to a conflict of interest. It was the judge that was involved in the incident.

We were able to follow through with an appointment that we started in September. He is a therapist who works with autistic and Asperger people. He diagnosed him today at first with severe trauma. But then it came out that Craig was schizophrenic. Craig is working well with him. He will be doing out patient treatment with a therapy called neuropathways at first. Also he will be going through psychotherapy.

My Question. How do I balance his brothers burnout with Craig? Adult. I think he will come around and support again in time. He had put a lot of time and energy into Craig. But now he is "done". John needs help as much as Craig with his military PTSD. A few months ago, John had to go thru a similar incidence with Craig and a neighbor. That's when we starting working on therapy for Craig.

I will look over your articles. But I wanted to know if you could steer me in the right direction. This is very hard. It's like he is jealous. He needs as much help as Craig does.

I am feeling weary like I really was too late. But maybe this is the right timing.

I need some information on how I can stand strong in setting boundaries. John is shutting craig out. But he is shutting me out too. Because he is burned out and wanting to go on with his own stuff. But his thinking isn't right. I feel like I have 2 sons with the same degree of dysfunction. But in differing and opposing ways. John also has traumatic brain injury.

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Your youtube videos always come up in my search for anything to help me "fix" this marriage. 

My husband was diagnosed with Aspergers in January, although he has not fully accepted this yet.  Our son is 14 and was Dx'd when he was 8.  We also have an NT 16 year old daughter who's caught on the crossfire.  I'm 17 years into this marriage and I'm on my very last leg.  We have seen endless marriage counselors with no success as nothing sticks.   Tomorrow is always a new day for my husband but feels like groundhog day to me. 
Can you help us or refer us to someone?  We are in Dallas.  The one aspie marriage counselor we saw is not reliable as I believe he has cancer and is going through treatments.  Dr. Robinson diagnosed my husband but he does not work with couples.  Any help or referral will be appreciated.

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Dear Mark

I hope you are well. I will try and keep this short. I am a single mom to a 17-year-old daughter and our home is hells kitchen as you describe - for her and me. I related to the video re: the stages - i.e. denial, acceptance and feel I am at the acceptance stage. I had the wool pulled over my eyes for I don't know how long. I got a call to pick my daughter from a so-called study sleep over and she was motherless drunk and vomited in my car. Since that stage, at the end of October 2016, things have gone downhill because I have stopped all sleep outs and am probably seeing with my own eyes what has been going on for a while. Since then I have picked her up once smelling like alcohol (denied it but I had bought an electronic breathalyser). Her Dad and I (who haven't been together for 16 years) decided that she should go away with him to his hometown a week earlier for the school holidays - with the realisation of alcohol use/abuse has come the realisation of a huge amount of lying as well as ducking and diving (I have picked it up as well as her Dad and school). I cannot tell you how much lying I am picking up. I cannot believe anything that comes out of her mouth. She begged and pleading and pulled out all the stops not to go the week early with her Dad, but I stood firm for the 3 hours of pleading/anger. She went out with her friends the night before leaving (with a curfew of 12 midnight) and was motherless drunk again when I picked her up and had been into town (I found out from another mother) at a bar when she knows I don't allow her to be in town.

I have spoken to her counsellor (she hasn't seen her for about 5 months) as I felt a move to her Dad might be what's best for her (more family there to keep an eye on her, there is a school space for her there to do her final year of school 2017). She said I should give her the choice of finishing off school with Dad or coming home and agreeing to no alcohol (for a period until Easter when the situation will be reassessed) and no sleep outs (and weekly sessions with her counsellor). To cut a long story short, my daughter refuses to discuss or agree to these terms but wants to speak about it in person when she gets home (i.e. she will try and get out of the rules). She has been begging and pleading to come home from her Dad, but - again another long story short - we have realised she has a happy face for him and a miserable I'm being damaged here face/messages for me. The counsellor says that she needs to agree to the boundaries set before she comes back.We are having three-hour conversations on the phone and she won't take no for an answer (that the boundaries are not negotiable and she cannot home now but on 27/12 or 28/12 depending on flights).  The counsellor also suggested that should she break the rules of no drinking etc, on the third time (i.e. of drinking) she should have a choice to go back to her Dad or to go into teenage treatment (there is a clinic here in my town with a teenage unit - not just for substance abuse but for behavioural issues too). I should mention that I am a recovering alcoholic and her Dad is a recovering addict so the alcohol use is a huge thing for us due to her predisposition gene-wise. My daughter thinks that she is completely normal and I am blowing everything out of proportion.

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Hi Mark

Thank you so much for your wonderful website!
I wonder if you can advise me please, I have a 12 year old Aspie daughter who seems to be getting worse the older she gets:
She is very depressed and anxious and on medication under the care of a psychiatrist, she refuses to see a psychologist
She won’t go out to the shops at all anymore, the only place she goes to is the movies occasionally
She now prefers to have the curtains drawn and live in a low light environment
She’s not interested in food
She only has 1 good friend at school but she doesn’t always play with my daughter
Academically she’s doing very well but hates school

How can I help her with her anxiety and get her to push past these boundaries she’s built around herself?

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Hi there I've just come across your page whilst looking for some help with my 11yr old son.
Really need some help with getting my son understanding and accepting social situations with his peers, he becoming increasingly ostrisised by his peers for being annoying ,however he doesn't understand what he's doing wrong.
I've tried working on social stories with him but I really need some help, as a parent and an educator in the special needs sector myself I'm worried I'm not seeing the bigger picture and I'm bereft that I can't help him.
He hasn't got a diagnosis as I've always felt it not necessary to label him , but I'm devastated that he's so unhappy at school and I need to help him
Please can you help ?

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Mark,

Just a quick message to follow up on my call.  I am the "perfect example -
ticks (or should that by styms) every box" high functioning aspie.

The UK psych decided that he had never met such a perfect case.  I have 3
aspie children, and a long suffering NT wife.

One of the principle advantages of getting a diagnosis, at least outside the
US, is the fact that once a formal diagnosis is present, the child / adult is
far more likely to qualify for benefits.

I have never managed to hold down employment.  I have thrown in the towel on
well paid contracts repeatedly, because I was unable to put up with travel on
the tube / suburban trains.  I fly to see clients - and get escorted through
the airport. I'm still a damn fine lawyer - albeit one who must work in private
practice.  There have been suggestions that I am John Cage from Ally Macbeal
(possibly the odd in-court outburst).

Those not on the spectrum have substantial issues understanding why someone is
"a little odd", why an AS individual (as an adult) is more likely to be the
victim of violent confrontations - has a much lower chance of being in full
time employment.

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Dear Mark Hutten,

My son Aaron is a 23 year old high school graduate with an Aspergers diagnosis accompanied by high levels of anxiety and impulsivity.  This afternoon I am reading yourblog entry:  Fight, Flight or Pretend:  The 3 Anger Styles in High-Functioning Autistic Kids.  Of course I am recognizing my son Aaron who falls into the first camp most of the time, and sometimes the second or third, depending on the circumstances.

More broadly Aaron is supposed to receive support from a psychologist / social worker as part of his employment readiness program, however this has been intermittent and unreliable. At this point we have given up on addressing Aaron’s needs through the DC system and would like to find a private psychologist or social worker.  We did that for many years before Aaron finished high school and it was helpful. So now we are looking for a practitioner who has experience focusing on high functioning young adults with like Aaron.  

Please advise if you have any colleagues you may be able to recommend here in the Washington DC area.
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Hello ,
 I am married to an Aspie. We have been married for just 10 months , after dating for about 3 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. I always knew something was different with my now husband, but thought it was because we have different cultural backgrounds ( he is American and I am Cuban ). I finally had him tested and definitely meets the criteria to be in the Spectrum  as an Asperger. Just yesterday I ran into your blog about Living with an Asperger partner and all you describe there is so going on in my relationship. The grieve cycle, I have been calling " the crazy cycle", because I think we will get out of it when he says he will try , but then we get pull back in again and it has truly destroyed all hope in me. We live in Cincinnati , Ohio and as I was checking your website I realize you are not that far from us. I was wondering if you offer workshops, conferences, office visits, small groups, that we could go to in order to avoid divorce that is what truly is in my mind at this point.


Can you please let us know how you could help us keep our marriage ?


Thanks so much and many blessings to you and your practice.

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i have learnt about your coaching after googling THERAPY FOR PARENTS OF ASPERGERS. Before i register, i would like to know if you could help me in our situation. My son is high functioning aspergers, is 22 yrs old , but is not living with us. He is abroad, lives with a  kind family, works in a special needs place as a leader in the mornings, and has study partners in afternoons and evenings. He is having CBT therapy twice a week, and is on  medication. He suffers a  lot from anxiety and is very obssessive in his thoughts. I speak to him almost every day and my husband around 2 or 3 times a week.  If we have the right tools , perhaps we can pass them on to whoever interacts with him. Please advise me, ty in advance,

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With regards to a 3 day grounding with, for instance no cell phone, PC, I-pad etc – I have tried on a number of occasions before to get my daughter’s cell phone off her, but it gets physical where she will not give it to and I try and get it and it ends up in a tug of war with the phone. I’ve always therefore given up because I don’t like to get physical with my daughter. What do I do ?

She also has excuses for why she needs her phone such as her school work is on there (they are a very technological school so it could be true) or she has group chats re: homework. If I take just her phone away, she will then just use her i-pad and PC for chatting. Again the excuse is she needs it for homework/school. She is 17.

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Dear Mr. Hutten,

As you know, I've contacted you before about what a fan I am of your work.  I would like to work something out with you wherein I might occasionally reprint one of your articles and then provide a link to your website.  I can also put in the credits whatever you want about the for-pay services you provide and how to contact you.   I'm asking on behalf of my webpage OASIS @MAAP.  If you are interested, I may be reached at the number below at anytime during business hours. 

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I've done an online diagnosis and all of my children have is well, and all agree that my husband has Aspergers. He admitted it at first until he felt like he was the " problem". Then he backtracked and  his anger toward me wad too much and I went back into denial. I ordered the book and and am absolutely going to follow it is closely as I can. But would it not help if he could at least admit he has Aspergers? How can I help him do that?

I am a special needs teacher and work with autistic children every day. I have all of my course work done in for my PhD in psychology. I have been working on my dissertation in combative relationships for 20 years, and have not been able to complete it, because just about the time I feel I have answers, more big fights throw me into despair. We both love each other and have a beautiful family and are very committed, even after all of the fights over the last 42 years. But I am emotionally broken and desperate and don't know how much longer I can go on.

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Dear Mr. Mark Hutton,

We are in the process of downloading your book TEACHING SOCIAL SKILLS AND EMOTIONAL  MANAGEMENT.  My daughter is 31 years old, by profession a teacher and fully employed. She is an Aspie, not identified but we know.  We’d like to keep it “hidden” because the school board would take it as a convenient excuse should anything occur that is unusual.  Her students (Gr. 7) love her as she has unending patience and this has been the greatest gift.  On top of it, she has a big heart and feels for them all.  So far so good. 

Our concern is her lack of social skills with her peers. She is wonderful with kids, even better with the older generation but any “budding” friendship dies within a couple of months.  Thankfully, the professional group that she works with has been professional in every aspect.  I am just concerned this might not always be the case.  In fact it was not.  In her previous school, it reminded her of the horrible years in high school where she had a tough time.  There she was totally ostracized.  I am dreading this could occur again.

For this reason, we are trying desperately to find ways of rectifying the problem.  We know, Asperger cannot be cured but what we are looking for are skills that help to cope with “it” and the world.  Most advice and help is geared to children and teenagers.  Our daughter was always a good student (except in math), did well in university and did well in job interviews.  She found all her high school jobs on her own and this one right out of university so we did not think “the social aspect” could cause a problem though we knew it was there.  Now, as an adult this seem to have intensified.

Any thought or advice would be very much appreciated.  Thank you.

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I am having trouble with my daughter and have been for a while. She has been in therapy, but it was inconsistent, at best, and ineffectual.

I have read articles about the various symptoms, but she has so many, She has a lot of combinations and no, single, article seems to address this complexity.  I don't know where to begin.

Going back several years, my daughter was having health issues. Her weight was high and she was being treated for precocious puberty and pre-diabetes. Soon after, she was being treated for ADHD. To make things worse, for some reason, she breaks REALLY easy. I mean physically. She has had over 60 fractures. Most have occurred in the growth plates near the ankles and many are avulsion; however, she has also fractured her fibula, femur, hip, and scaphoid. the vast majority have happened at school before you jump to the conclusion that there is some sort of abuse. Honestly, that's probably the ONLY reason we haven't been investigated by child services. Less that 20% of her injuries have happened in the home.

As far as symptoms, here's the list in no particular order:
* She has difficulty making and maintaining friendships. This has been exacerbated by our recent move from Pittsburgh, PA to Buford, GA. Before the move she never had more than 1-3 friends and even those relationship varied.

* She compulsively lies to family and friends. I recently found out that she concocted a very elaborate set of lies to her "best friend" that included a fake boyfriend, pretending to get high, sexually active, arrested and tazed, lost in the woods, etc. These were so elaborate, that she actually had whole conversions with this "friend" in the persona of her "boyfriend." The "boyfriend" complained to the friend that my daughter was sending inappropriate texts to another guy and sent screenshots. This friend described to me that the personality was SO different than my daughter's that she never suspected and even developed a friendship with "him," My daughter sent texts to this friend while "high." It was very convincing as it contained constant typographical errors, meandering focus, stupid jokes, memory lapses, etc. Amazingly detailed. When I later put the timeline together, she was sitting in the dining room playing board games with myself and her younger brother. 

* She continually engages in inappropriate relationships. These become very illicit including the exchange of pornographic photos and videos. Some of the contacts were her age, others were much older. At one point, last year, the police were involved. Her phone and online accounts, which included social media and dating sites like "bangbudies.com," were examined and the police are attempting to make cases against these predators. Luckily, the police were not interested in incarcerating her. She was 14 at the time and some of this had gone back almost 2 years. We have gradually been trying to rebuild a trust relationship by allowing her to return to the "social" world, but limiting her to Facebook. We have her account password and watch her phone. Unfortunately, I just discovered that she has returned to these behaviors and have suspended her access to internet and texts.

* Along those lines, while I don't believe that she has been sexually active, she has declared herself bisexual. Unless she is sneaking off to the restroom during school to have sex, she doesn't go anywhere or do anything outside the house except school and occasionally babysit. I've tried to supportive while trying to explain to her that it is no one else's business. She can fall in love with who she wants, but doesn't need a "label" to define it. She doesn't need to post on Facebook that she is bi and certainly doesn't need to run out an buy a rainbow flag. Just love who you want, just like anyone else gay or hetero. Change your status to "In a Relationship" like anyone else. Tag who you are in a relationship with, just like anyone else. Don't hide it, but don't flaunt it. She posted that she was bi. Gay people jumped all over it to rally their support, others had criticisms. It was overwhelming and upsetting. I told her, 3 dangerous topics to post about are religion, politics, and sexuality. Don't post about it unless you are prepared for a lot of responses, good, bad, and otherwise.

* She is obviously depressed at times and at one point was cutting. The meme's she posts and the music she likes reflect this, but also a whole range of other emotions. She deeply into romance movies and music as well. I think she feels isolated and has low self-esteem despite the fact that she has lost the weight, we've gotten her very stylish hair coloring, etc. I know that these are only superficial, but a feeling of self worth has to start somewhere. If she looks in the mirror and feels pretty, maybe she'll start to believe it.

* She has no motivation. She is very bright, but is doing a great job of failing a lot of classes. She, in a letter to us, blamed it on moving to a new school, but she barely made it out of 8th grade 4 months before there was any kind of job offer and moving plans. Her last quarter of eighth grade includes several "F"s. Her letter went on to state, that she is not even trying to study or do her homework and she will do better if we send her back to Pittsburgh to finish high school. I pointed out that her grades weren't ANY better in Pittsburgh and she's only been in high school for less than 2 full months before we moved. My interview for this job was October 7th. We moved to Georgia October 30th. I rushed thinking the quicker I got her into the new school, the less chance of her sticking out as the "new" kid. It's new to everyone there despite that fact that they were there a few weeks ahead of her.

* She has a really bad rivalry with her younger brother. They fight constantly. I've tried to step back and observe and what I see is she is bored. So for something fun to do, she "pushes one of his buttons" and the fights begin. I had a sister, I know they do that. This is at a higher level, but, I also have to admit, this is the very least of our problems.

* She has a troubled relationship with her mother. This too, I am aware, is not altogether uncommon; however, it is really hard to watch. Having said that, everyone in the house has a troubled relationship with her mother, myself included.

About her mother...
Her mother is disabled due to back issues, but also is nearly legally blind, has severe digestive issues, has trouble maintaining a healthy weight. She suffers from depression and anger issues. She is not physically abusing, but she can be mean. She had a troubled youth with uncaring parents, she was molested by a neighbor as a pre-teen, cruelly beaten and verbally abused (her mom went so far as to pay some kids to beat her up after she told her father about her mother's affair). She did manage to build somewhat of a relationship with her father, who in my experience did not resemble the monster of her youth that she described. Unfortunately, he is since deceased and she refuses any contact with the rest of her immediate family. The dysfunction in their relationship with her was clearly evident to me prior to her breaking off contact with them.
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Dear Mark,

I had a long talk with my 21 year old yesterday.  It varied from my telling him  that if he refused to leave my bedroom I’d call the police and have him trespassed from our home, to real tears about things that he remembered from his childhood.  He feels that we should apologize to him for “making him the way that he is”, and for being such lousy parents.  The manipulative part of him wants to “sue somebody” for putting him on Vyvanse for focus during his school years, (about 6th grade on).  He thinks I should have researched more, and never put my kid on medication.  He thinks the medication changed his brain, and made him less capable than he should be, (and its all our fault).   He also thinks that we “owe” him because we are the cause of his problems; that we should’ve recognized his SPD and put him into a public school for treatment.  (Psychiatric testing in 3rd grade gave him an IQ in the 80’s; brother and sister were 150 and 140).

There is no way he would’ve agreed to that at that time.  My husband and I have Master’s degrees, mine in physical therapy.  I stopped seeing patients due to an illness when he was in preschool, and stayed at the school teaching middle school until he left after 8th grade, (for him, but now he says it was a big mistake.  He says I should’ve stayed home and home-schooled him, even though we couldn’t afford it and was advised against it).  We paid for him to go to Catholic school, meeting with teachers and counselors all along the way.  He always refused to go to a professional counselor, and I didn’t put up the fight to make it happen.  He has been defiant all of his life.  He is the youngest of 3, with his oldest brother successfully working and living independently at 26 yrs. old, and his 24 yr old sister with high functioning Asperger’s finishing her second year of City Year and looking towards graduate school.

HIs IQ is definitely better than what it was tested.  We definitely over indulged, and we definitely lowered our expectations of what he would achieve in life compared to his siblings.  He said two things:  1) he feels like he was being carried, and is now being dropped; and 2) we held him back.  This kid who couldn’t sleep over at other people’s houses, (even a favorite cousin—he would drive home at 4-5 am when everyone else fell asleep), resents us because we didn’t encourage him to go hundreds of miles away for college.

Yes, we paid for his car and insurance.  He is living at home, and has been “looking for a job” for weeks/months.  The faucet has been turned off.  He has to earn everything.

He wants an apology from us for “making him” the way that he is.  He dislikes us.  He even said he’d go away to college now, (he failed freshman English and placed in remedial math that he refused to take at a local community college after graduation from high school), as long as we paid for it like we did for his siblings.  He feels he’s “getting less than they did” because we did pay for their college.

Ugh. He needs a job.

I’m not sure how to turn off the money, yet treat him fairly compared to his siblings.

Thank you again for your guidance.


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Dealing with Tantrums in High-Functioning Autistic Kids

“Karla, my 5 year old daughter with high functioning autism, has frequent intense tantrums over the most smallest of things, especially when we are out in public! But my question is should I deal with this differently than I do with my other child (older son) who does not have the disorder?”

The short answer is yes. There are a few special considerations due to the traits associated with the disorder (e.g., sensory sensitivities, insistence on routine, literal thinking, etc.). But, you do want to make the distinction between a tantrum and a meltdown. Those are two different problems that should be addressed differently (more on meltdowns here).

Some High-Functioning Autistic (Asperger’s) kids throw frequent temper tantrums, and others rarely do. Kids throw temper tantrums as a way of expressing anger and frustration. If the behavior is dealt with incorrectly, your daughter may learn to use temper tantrums to manipulate you and to gain attention. In dealing with temper tantrums, the ultimate goal is to teach her acceptable ways of expressing uncomfortable emotions.



Surviving the Temper Tantrum—

The most important things to remember when Karla is in the throes of a temper tantrum are:
  • Don't let the disapproval of other people affect your response to the temper tantrum.
  • Don't punish Karla.
  • Don't reward her.
  • Isolate her if possible.
  • Keep her safe.
  • Stay calm and ignore the behavior to the extent possible.

When Karla throws a temper tantrum, she is essentially out of control. You must make sure that you stay firmly in control. Punishing her for throwing a temper tantrum, by yelling or spanking for example, makes the temper tantrum worse in the short term and prolongs the behavior in the long term. Trying to stop the temper tantrum by giving in to Karla's demands is even worse. This is the way to teach an HFA youngster to use temper tantrums for manipulation, and will cause the behavior to continue indefinitely, even into adulthood.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

At Home—

When Karla throws a temper tantrum at home, calmly escort her to a place where she can be left by herself (e.g., a designated “safe place”). Then leave the room and don't go back until she calms down. When Karla is calm, have a talk with her about her behavior. If you don't feel safe leaving her alone, stay with her, but don't respond to the temper tantrum in any way. Don't even make eye contact.

In Public—

If Karla throws a temper tantrum in public, escort her out of the public area if possible, and take her to a place where you can have some privacy. The best place to take her is to the car, where she can be buckled into the car seat. Then you stand near the car or sit in the car and wait it out without reacting to the temper tantrum. When the temper tantrum subsides, talk to Karla about her behavior, and then return to your activities.

Sometimes it won't be possible for you to escape from the public place easily. For example, if you are in a commercial jet and Karla throws a temper tantrum while you are coming in for a landing (as my daughter once did), you are basically stuck where you are. Likewise, you may find it hard to escape if you are standing in a long check-out line at the grocery store with a cart full of groceries.

Under such circumstances, all you can do is grit your teeth and hang on. Ignore the screaming youngster. Ignore the glares and snide remarks of the people around you. Keep your cool. (Anyway, a screaming youngster in a check-out line speeds it up, so Karla is actually doing everyone a favor.) Once you are able to make your escape, talk to Karla about her behavior.

Teaching Alternatives to Temper Tantrums—

Once Karla has settled down, you and she need to have a talk right away while the memories of the episode are still fresh in her mind. She threw the temper tantrum because she was angry or frustrated. Don't get into the issue of why she was angry or frustrated. Concentrate on the temper tantrum itself, explaining to her that the behavior isn't appropriate. Then teach her what she should do instead when she feels angry. This works with kids of any age, even toddlers.

First describe the behavior: "You felt angry and you threw a temper tantrum. You were screaming, throwing things, and kicking the walls." You say this so Karla will understand exactly what you are talking about.

Then you explain that temper tantrums are not proper behavior. Make sure that you are clear that the temper tantrum is bad, not Karla. "Temper tantrums are not appropriate behavior. In our family, we don't scream and throw things and kick. That behavior is not acceptable." This has an impact on Karla, because she wants to do the right thing. You help her by explaining that temper tantrums are the wrong thing. And don't worry about using big words such as "appropriate." If you use big words with an HFA youngster, she will learn big words. If you use only little words, she will learn only little words.

Then give Karla some alternatives: "I know you felt angry. When you are angry, what you do is say, 'I'm angry!' Can you say that?" Have Karla repeat the phrase after you.

Next review what you have said. "What are you going to say next time you're angry?" Get her to repeat the phrase, "I'm angry!" Then say, "Next time you're angry, are you going to scream?" Karla will probably say or indicate "no." "Next time you're angry, are you going to throw things?" "Next time you're angry, are you going to kick?" End up with, "Tell me again what you're going to do next time you're angry."

You will have to repeat this discussion many, many times. It takes a long time for an HFA youngster to learn how to control a temper tantrum.

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

Preventing Temper Tantrums—

You may notice after a while that certain settings and circumstances seem to precipitate Karla's temper tantrums. My daughter, for example, always threw temper tantrums when we went to a restaurant.

You can prevent temper tantrums by talking to Karla beforehand. Explain to her what you are about to do (e.g., "We're going to go have lunch at Taco Bell"). Then tell Karla what kind of behavior you expect, putting your expectations in positive terms (e.g., "At Taco Bell, we're going to behave well. That means we will be polite, speak quietly, and use our words to ask for things and to say how we feel"). After you have told Karla what you want, tell her what you don't want. (e.g., "We will not scream, throw things or kick. We don't do those things in public. It bothers people").

This tells Karla not only what behaviors to avoid, but why to avoid them. Then get her to agree to this. Say, "Now, tell me how you're going to behave when we go out. Are you going to speak quietly?" Karla should indicate "yes." "Are you going to use your words?" "Yes." "Are you going to scream or throw things or kick?" "No." Then say, "That's great! We'll have a good time!" My daughter never once threw a temper tantrum if she agreed ahead of time not to. Run through this litany every time you plan to go out, because if you forget, Karla will revert to temper tantrums in that environment!

If Karla tends to throw temper tantrums in stores after you refuse her demand for treats, you can often avert the temper tantrum by making a game out of her demand, as follows:

Karla: "I want candy!
You: "I want a rocket ship to Mars."

Karla: "Give me candy!"
You: "Give me a rocket ship to Mars."

Karla: "Give me candy!"
You: "I'll give you candy if you give me a rocket ship to Mars."

Karla: "Here." (Pretending to hand you something.)
You: "Here." (Pretending to hand Karla something.)

Karla: "But this isn't real."
You: "What you gave me wasn't real, either."

Karla: "But I don't have a real rocket ship!"
You: "Well, I guess you're out of luck, then!"

This may not work with every youngster, but it worked with my daughter. It's good for an HFA youngster to learn that it's okay to want things, but it doesn't follow that people always gets what they want.

Another way of dealing with the grocery store temper tantrum is to discuss treats with Karla beforehand. Tell her where you are going, and what kind of treats, if any, she can expect to get at the store. You might say, "When we go to the store, you can select one lollipop, any flavor you like, as a treat." Make it clear that one lollipop is all she will get. If you don't want her to get a treat that day, you should tell this to her ahead of time. An HFA youngster will often accept not getting a treat if told beforehand. But make sure that whatever you tell Karla before the trip to the store, you stick to it!


==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

How to Prevent Meltdowns in Children on the Spectrum

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

Parenting Defiant Teens on the Spectrum

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

Older Teens and Young Adult Children with ASD Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

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Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

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Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and HFA

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

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