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Explaining The Connecticut Shooting To Your Aspergers Child

The recent school shooting may have raised many questions for your Aspergers youngster. There are no easy answers about this kind of tragedy, but it is important for moms and dads to try to explain what has happened in order to help ease their youngster’s fears and anxieties about his personal safety.

If your child will be around other kids or has access to media of any type, it’s important to discuss the shooting. It will be less frightening if she hears about it from you instead of from a classmate or reading about it on the Internet. 

To guide you through difficult discussions about school violence, here are a few suggestions:

1. Be patient. Tragic news takes time for children to process. They may express their confusion and fear in unexpected ways. Be there with lots of extra, love, support and reassurance.

2. Create a safety plan with your Aspergers youngster. Help identify which grown-ups (e.g., teacher, school counselor, coach, etc.) your youngster can talk to if he feels threatened at school. Also, tell him who will pick him up during an emergency if you are unavailable.

3. Discuss the safety procedures that are in place at your youngster’s school. Explain why visitors sign-in at the principal’s office, or why certain doors remain locked during the school day. Help your youngster understand that such precautions are in place to ensure her safety. Also, stress the importance of adhering to school rules and policies.



4. Don’t overwhelm your child with too much information. He might want to talk intermittently or might need concrete information to be repeated.

5. Empower your Aspergers child to take action regarding school safety. Encourage her to report specific incidents (e.g., bullying, threats or talk of suicide) and to develop problem solving and conflict resolution skills. Encourage her to actively participate in student-run “anti-violence” programs.

6. Encourage your child to talk about his concerns and to express his feelings. Some kids may be hesitant to initiate such conversation, so you may want to prompt your child by asking if he feels safe at school. When talking to your child, remember to talk on his level (e.g., he may not understand the term “violence” but can talk to you about being afraid or about a classmate who is mean to him). Encourage your child to talk, but respect his wishes when he may not want to.

7. Ensure that your child is not exposed to media reports about the event that are repetitive, confusing, or frightening.

8. Ensure that your youngster knows how to reach you (or another family member or friend) in case of crisis during the school day. Remind her that she can talk to you anytime she feels threatened.

9. Keep the dialogue going and make school safety a common topic in family discussions, rather than just a response to an immediate crisis. Open dialogue will encourage kids to share their concerns. When speaking with your Aspergers child, it is best to use communication that is factual, simple, clear and sensitively worded.

10. Recognize behavior that may indicate your youngster is concerned about returning to school. Some kids may react to school violence by not wanting to attend school or participate in school-based activities. They may minimize their concerns outwardly, but may become argumentative, withdrawn, or allow their school performance to decline.

11. Stay calm. Your youngster will pick up on your emotions. If you’re an emotional disaster, he is going to feel it and panic too. It’s okay to let your child see you are upset, but wait until you can discuss it without falling apart.

12. Talk honestly about your own feelings regarding school violence. It is important for kids to recognize they are not dealing with their fears alone.

13. Validate the youngster’s feelings. Do not minimize her concerns. Let her know that serious school violence is not common, which is why these incidents attract so much media attention. Stress that schools are safe places. In fact, recent studies have shown that schools are more secure now than ever before.

14. Seek help when necessary. If you are worried about your youngster’s reaction, or have ongoing concerns about his behavior or emotions, contact a mental health professional at school or at your community mental health center.

15. Watch for signs of prolonged or excessive anxiety. Symptoms include:
  • Behavior problems (e.g., misbehaving in school or at home in ways that are not typical)
  • Clinging behavior (e.g., shadowing parents around the house)
  • Decreased activity
  • Irritability
  • Jumpiness
  • Loss of concentration
  • Persistent fears related to the shooting (e.g., fears about being killed)
  • Physical complaints (e.g., stomachaches, headaches, dizziness) for which a physical cause can’t be found
  • Preoccupation with the school shootings
  • Refusal to return to school
  • Sadness
  • Sleep disturbances (e.g., nightmares, screaming during sleep, bedwetting, etc.) 
  • Withdrawal from family and friends

As a side note, it is a sad fact that many people (including the media) who lack accurate information about Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism are going to make rather large “leaps of logic” regarding the recent school shooting. For example, “the shooting occurred because the shooter had Aspergers” …or... “all children with Aspergers are prone to violence.”

Of course, we know this isn’t true. But as a parent of a child on the spectrum, you may find yourself on the receiving end of undue prejudice in the months ahead. Thus, below are some tips to help you face those who may be judgmental, excessively concerned, or just plain ignorant about your child’s disorder.

Tips for dealing with judgmental people:

1. Develop a sense of humor. Other people's judgments can be comical when they're completely irrelevant to what you believe or experience.

2. Don’t take it personally. Most of the times, others’ criticisms reflect more about themselves than about you. They react in this manner because of certain beliefs and frameworks they have about life. You may think the critical person is all out to get you, but it’s more likely he/she reacts in this same manner toward everyone else too.

3. Just as the judgmental comments of others reflect something about their inner frameworks, our discomfort with their comments reflects something about our inner frameworks too, especially if we are bothered by it. If you ever feel uncomfortable about others’ comments, look within to understand why you’re feeling that way. Why are you unhappy about what he/she just said? Why are you feeling uncomfortable with his/her comment? What is it about it that is bothering you? The discomfort is not because of the other person; rather, it’s really because of something in you. Honest answers to these questions should help you gain closure on your discomfort and help you to directly act on the situation by your own actions, without expecting anyone else to change.

4. Nurture yourself so you don't buy into the hurtful opinions of judgmental people out of stress or insecurity. Daily meditation is a great way to let go of negativity.

5. Recognize that others' irrational concerns are their problem. Their judgments reflect their own lack of accurate information, security and/or self-esteem. Distance yourself from their behavior by realizing you haven't done anything wrong as a parent of an Aspergers child.

6. Some people may voluntarily offer criticisms, even when you’re not asking for them. These criticisms may well be out of line and done in poor taste. One way you can respond is to retaliate in anger. However, since the person must have a lot of angst to be voluntarily dispensing criticisms in the first place, your retaliation will only invite more criticism. If you can’t stop them from voicing their opinions, then you have an option of ignoring them. Give a simple 1-2 liner response, one that acknowledges receipt of the comment – but doesn’t engage further in the discussion.

7.  If the judgmental person in your life is a family member, the emotional connection may make negative judgments more toxic. It will not be easy to avoid this person, but that does not mean you have to allow any judgmental statements to demoralize you. Turn the tables by telling your family member that you are concerned about his/her negative outlook, and then begin educating him/her about the Aspergers condition.

8. Take others’ criticisms as a source of honest feedback, rather than seeing them as uninvited criticisms. At least with them, you know “what you see is what you get.” I would much rather deal with a directly blunt person than with someone who is seemingly nice – but is fake! Some people pretend to be nice and supportive in front of you, when in actuality, they are not in agreement and they are just concealing their misgivings.

9. Judgmental people may simply be insecure and covering up by insisting they know better than everyone else. A judgmental person may simply need to feel respected and to believe his/her opinions matter. Engage this person in conversation and try to understand his/her point of view.

10. Work on your self-esteem. This is the key to dealing with judgmental people. Have a firm idea of your abilities, limitations, beliefs and values. This shields you from people who try to make you feel small so they feel superior.

Why Did Adam Lanza Murder Innocent Children?

"Why Did Adam Lanza Murder Innocent Children?"

There are two answers to this question: (1) we will never know what triggered Adam to do such a horrific act (i.e., the straw that broke the camel’s back), and (2) there were multiple factors involved.

Studies on violent crime committed by young people have increased our understanding of factors that make some populations more vulnerable to perpetration. Risk factors increase the likelihood that a young man (or woman) will become violent. However, risk factors are NOT direct causes of violent crime; rather, risk factors contribute to violent crime.



A complex interaction of factors leads to an increased risk of violent behavior in young people.  These factors include:

Community Risk Factors—
  • Socially disorganized neighborhoods
  • Low levels of community participation
  • High level of transiency
  • High level of family disruption
  • High concentrations of poor residents
  • Diminished economic opportunities

Social Risk Factors—
  • Social rejection by peers
  • School failure 
  • Poor academic performance
  • Low commitment to school
  • Lack of involvement in conventional activities
  • Involvement in gangs
  • Association with delinquent peers

Family Risk Factors—
  • Poor monitoring and supervision
  • Poor family functioning
  • Parental substance abuse or criminality
  • Low parental involvement
  • Low parental education and income
  • Low emotional attachment to parents
  • Harsh, lax or inconsistent disciplinary practices
  • Authoritarian child-rearing attitudes

Individual Risk Factors—
  • Antisocial beliefs and attitudes
  • Attention deficits
  • Conflict in the family 
  • Deficits in cognitive abilities
  • Deficits in information-processing abilities
  • Deficits in social abilities
  • Developmental disorders
  • Exposure to violence
  • High emotional distress
  • History of early aggressive behavior
  • History of treatment for emotional problems
  • History of violent victimization
  • Hyperactivity
  • Involvement with drugs, alcohol or tobacco
  • Learning disorders
  • Low IQ
  • Mental health issues
  • Obsession with violent media (e.g., movies, games)
  • Poor behavioral control

Other factors include:
  • Being the victim of physical abuse
  • Being the victim of sexual abuse
  • Brain damage from head injury
  • Exposure to violence in media 
  • Exposure to violence in the home or community
  • Genetic factors
  • Loss of support from extended family
  • Marital breakup
  • Poverty
  • Presence of firearms in home
  • Previous aggressive or violent behavior
  • Severe deprivation
  • Single parenting
  • Unemployment
  • Use of drugs or alcohol

So, as much as we want to get to the bottom of why this “senseless” shooting occurred, we will have to settle for the fact that there is no single answer to explain such a tragedy as the one that occurred on 12/14/12.

People are looking for "the" reason why this happened (e.g., mental illness), which is unfortunate, because then they will also go looking for "the" answer (e.g., gun control). But there is no one reason - or answer. This is a complex, multifaceted problem that calls for comprehensive, intricate problem-solving.

I believe that we, as a society, have now begun the process of doing the tough investigative work that needs to be done in order to save many more lives than we lost at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Most often, it takes the occurrence of a tragic event before we awaken from our slumber and begin the process of change. We may have lost 20 of our children on 12/14/12, but maybe because of them, we will end up saving more precious lives in the future than would be possible had this incident not occurred.

FOOTNOTE:  The authors of the earliest known review of the link between Aspergers and violence concluded that no such connection exists. In a more recent review, the determination was that the link is inconclusive and is supported by only 11 of 147 studies on Aspergers and violence when the strictest inclusion criteria are used. 

Noticing "Troubled" Aspergers Students Before Tragedy Occurs

To all parents of children and teens affected by Aspergers and High Functioning Autism:

There is someone who spends almost as much time with your child as you do. But, this person may not understand your child’s disorder and related symptoms. Also, this person may not pick up on subtle signs and signals that a particular child is becoming “troubled.” This person is your child’s teacher.

Make no mistake: I’m not blaming teachers for what happened on 12/14/12 (i.e., the Adam Lanza tragedy). But I strongly believe that one of the most important resources that we have to see to it that nothing like 12/14 ever happens again is our teachers. Even though there is growing awareness about autism spectrum disorders in the educational system, much misinformation and lack of information still exists. And this is where you, the parent, can help.

Please email your child’s teacher(s) with the link to this post…




Advise the teacher(s) that they can download the following eBook once, and then they have permission to print as many copies as they want: Teaching Students With Aspergers & High-Functioning Autism

It is hoped that they will print dozens of copies and disseminate throughout your entire local school system. If you child's teachers have any questions about this offer, please let them know they can email me personally (Mark Hutten, M.A. ==> mbhutten@gmail.com).

If a student with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism is going to deteriorate, this change for the worse usually begins when he or she enters the public school system. So in many ways, our first line of defense against having a “functional” child turn into a “troubled” child is our teachers. They must learn about this disorder and know how to deal effectively with the affected student in the classroom!

Online Parent Support, LLC


BEST COMMENT:


Thank you. How generous and kind of you. Truly, i appreciate what you are doing and am touched by your action to reach out and help. Like you, i hope i can help to educate others more about aspergers so that life is a little more manageable for them and so they can learn the skills to overcome challenges, be healthy emotionally, and live a happy and fulfilled life. I am a former elementary school principal and, sadly, aware of how poorly equipped many educators are to deal with such a diverse learner. There are great teachers out there who havent been trained enough. Its hard with the large numbers and demands of other responsibilities. I do understand this, but we have an urgent responsibility and duty to NOT let these students fall through the cracks. My daughter, an aspie, frequently goes unnoticed. She is quiet, well behaved, etc, but the inner, hidden frustration is so very great as she struggles with academics, feeling overwhelmed, not understanding so many things that other students learn naturally just by being immersed in the context and by observation alone. No one really sees this on the surface. 

Another thing that saddens me is the lack of emotional support for all students. Counselors are usually only part time and overloaded. The good ones intervene with students alone and in groups but others work traditionally with whole group classroom lessons and nice but unnecessary schoolwide activities. (the "feel-good stuff!) We need to use our resources, especially our wonderful mental health counselors, more wisely and prioritize our needs. We need funding and involvement that crosses the great divide btwn school and the outside community. Our efforts are oftentimes so disjointed. Just think of what we could do if everyone worked together - psychiatrists, schools, churches maybe,    Psychologists, etc.

Again, i thank you. You are helping a lot of people and the knowledge gained from you will just continue to grow exponentially as it is applied to and shared with others. 

As always, your article/link/mission, both timely and helpful.  Sincerest thanks and spreading the good word.  



MORE COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... And this is why I homeschool!
•    Anonymous said... Hence why school never worked. So, learning at home and in the community it is. And it is wonderful.
•    Anonymous said... Home school all the way! It's not worth putting my son thru the torment of public school. I'll keep him at home to educate him & know what's going on. There fore he won't be bullied be other students & even some teachers.
•    Anonymous said... Home schooling was the best decision we made. I feel so bad for my son cause of what the school put him thru. Made him feel like something is wrong with him shame on them!!!
•    Anonymous said... I agree with protecting your child - i removed mine from public and placed him into private - he's blossomed there and is SO happy to be with kids like him finally!!! He has never tried to stay home ONCE since being in the new school.. I considered home school but I also had to consider his social skills - and keeping him home/sheltered would have been such a detriment to building important life skills that he can only learn while being in school.... Also it's vitally important to ensure the child is receiving a proper education too.... I hope for the child's sake they are receiving tutors if the parents aren't suitable to teach as a certified teacher would. After reading some posts - here and other sites, some parents can't speak proper English - let alone spell it!! So can you IMAGINE what the child is learning - or isn't I should say.... Love your baby first and foremost - the rest will all work out
•    Anonymous said... just reminds me once again why I made the decision to home education my high functioning teenage daughter - one year in secondary school did enough damage that has taken us 9 months to slowly get her to recover from.
•    Anonymous said... My son has the best & most supportive teacher - i believe its up to you as a parent to inform the school & keep in the loop…
•    Anonymous said... One of the reasons I am homeschooling now is the teachers were not interested in understanding my son
•    Anonymous said... Until schools get rid of tenure and can fire bad teachers, our students will suffer (a former teacher who saw too many bad eggs). Luckily our school staff is wonderful, helps him learn social skills and use resources to stop the bullying. But it is still a game of wills if I want to switch teachers mid-year. Luckily he is on the staff's radar.

Post your comment below…

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

How to Prevent Meltdowns in Children on the Spectrum

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

Parenting Defiant Teens on the Spectrum

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

Older Teens and Young Adult Children with ASD Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here
to read the full article...

Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and HFA

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...