Search This Site

Followers

How do I balance out the needs of two children on the spectrum and two NT kids?

Question

How do I balance out the needs of two children on the spectrum and two NT kids?

Answer

Parenting is hard work. Unless you have a child with Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism, you just have no idea about the true demands this adds to everyday parenting. A second child on the spectrum does not always mean more of the same because every child is affected so differently. Balancing the needs of a large family is a full time job, even without Asperger’s Syndrome!

It is easy to feel overwhelmed and stretched too thin when you have so much on your parenting plate. Planning a strategy to help meet everyone’s needs is necessary. Don’t forget to take care of yourself so you’ll feel like taking care of everyone else.

Taking care of yourself:
  • Participate in support groups focused on the needs of Asperger’s families.
  • Find respite care when you need a break. Everyone deserves to get out and relax for an hour or so.
  • Do not ignore your hobbies. A mother with four kids is going to have to schedule time for hobbies, but it is important to do things you enjoy for relaxation and personal growth.
  • Keep in touch with your friends. You need this form of support. Your friends know you and know how to lift your spirits and keep you motivated.

Taking care of your kids:
  • Spend one-on-one time with each child. Focus a little time each week on each child. They all enjoy the special attention and it gives you a chance to teach each one something new or enjoy a favorite-shared activity.
  • Keep in touch with each child’s teacher. The children spend a big chunk of time at school. Knowing what is going on at school will help you be a more effective parent and advocate for your children.
  • Look for ways to make life fun and ‘normal’ for your family. “Top Ten Tips: A Survival Guide for Families with Children on the Autism Spectrum” by Teresa A. Cardon, M.A., CCC-SLP; foreword by Kristi Sakai is a book that lists practical tips for living with Asperger’s and how to blend all of your family into everyday life situations. Suggestions cover life at home, at school, and in the community.
  • Listen to each of your children. Sometimes moms of many can get so busy that they forget to stop and listen. A few minutes of listening to each child can clarify the causes of problem behavior or illuminate special moments.

Finding balance is a goal for which to aim. With a little investigation and preparation, you will find what works for each of your children and your family as a whole.


When Tantrums in Kids on the Autism Spectrum Become Unmanageable

"Any advice for dealing with a child on the spectrum who flips into severe tantrums over the slightest change in his routine?"

Some kids with Aspergers and high-functioning autism (HFA) are more likely to have temper tantrums than others. Causes that contribute to a youngster's tendency to have tantrums include:
  • age and stage of development
  • fatigue
  • stress in the youngster's environment
  • temperament
  • whether underlying behavioral, developmental, or health conditions are present (e.g., ADHD)

Also, a youngster may be more likely to have temper tantrums if moms and dads react too strongly to difficult behavior or give in to the youngster's demands.

Temper tantrums are normal behavior for most kids, and there is no reason why kids with Aspergers and HFA should refrain from this stage of development. But how do you know whether or not a child's tantrums are "normal"? When tantrums escalate to the point of violence, is it still just a "tantrum," or are there deeper issues that need to be investigated?

Temper tantrums are one of the most common problems in younger kids on the autism spectrum. They may appear to go into a state of rage, panic, anxiety or fear for no reason at all. This might involve screaming, crying, resisting contact with others, or pushing others away. Unfortunately for children with the disorder - and their parents - temper tantrums and destructive behaviors are especially common.

It is more difficult for moms and dads to “prevent” temper tantrums in these kids. The youngster may seem inconsolable during the tantrum, and the episode might last a long time and consist of more aggressive behavior (e.g., hitting, biting, pinching, etc.).

Also, the satisfaction (i.e., emotional release) that typically accompanies the end of the tantrum for "typical" kids rarely occurs in Aspergers and HFA kids. Similar episodes of panic, anxiety, rage and even aggression might be seen all through childhood, adolescence – and even adulthood.

Paying attention to the things that trigger a tantrum can help parents act before a youngster's emotions escalate beyond the point where he can control them. Identifying the cause of the behavior is very important. There is almost always some yet-to-be-unidentified trigger that brings on challenging behavior.

==> Preventing Tantrums and Meltdowns in Kids on the Autism Spectrum 

Causes for challenging behaviors:

As with such behavior in all kids, there may be any number of causes. There might be underlying reasons (e.g., feeling upset, anxious or angry) and immediate triggers (e.g., being told to do something). In Aspergers and HFA however, tantrums are directed by frustration.

Children on the spectrum often rely on ritual and structure. Structure is a method that helps define the world in terms of set rules and explanations, which in turn helps the child function most effectively. Most kids with the disorder find their own methods of imposing structure and maintaining consistency. They need this structure because the world is confusing.

To these special needs children, the world is complex and almost impossible to understand. The information they receive through their senses might be overwhelming and hard to bring together into a strong whole, and there is likely to be an additional learning disability that makes it hard to apply cognitive skills to all these areas at once.

When some form of structure or routine is disrupted, the world becomes confusing and overwhelming again (e.g., feeling homesick, losing a comforting toy when feeling alone, starting a new school year, etc.). This disruption of structure might be obvious (e.g., having a collection of objects disturbed, being made to go a different way to school, getting up at an unusual hour), or it might be hidden (e.g., subtle changes in the environment which the youngster is used to).

Some of these triggers might be out of the control of the child or his parents. Some might be avoidable. Others might be necessary events, which can be slowly introduced so as to limit overt reactions.

Generally, one of the most significant causes of challenging behavior is a communicative need. For children with profound difficulties in understanding others and in communicating with them, it is hardly surprising for frustration, anger and anxiety to build up.

It is also quite likely that challenging behaviors will directly serve as a form of communication. Natural temper tantrums (e.g., in response to changes in routine, or requests to do something the child does not want to do) may well become usual reactions to those involved.




Frequent temper tantrums:

If your youngster continues to have frequent temper tantrums after age 3, you may need to use time-outs. A time-out removes the youngster from the situation, allows her time to calm down, and teaches her that having a tantrum is not acceptable behavior. Time-out works best for kids who understand why it is being used.

Most kids gradually learn healthy ways to handle the strong emotions that can lead to tantrums. They also usually improve their ability to communicate, become increasingly independent, and recognize the benefits of having these skills.

Kids who continue to have temper tantrums after the age of 4 usually need outside help learning to deal with anger. Tantrums that continue (or start) during the school years may be a sign of other issues (e.g., learning difficulties, social skills deficits).

Talk with a health professional if difficult behavior frequently lasts longer than 15 minutes, occurs more than 3 times a day, or is more aggressive. This may indicate that the youngster has an underlying medical, emotional, or social problem that needs attention.

These are not considered typical temper tantrums. Difficult behaviors may include: biting, hair pulling, head-banging or inflicting self-injury, hitting, kicking, pinching, scratching, throwing or breaking things, etc.

Does your child do any of the following?
  • behavior does not improve after 4 years of age
  • hurts himself, other people, or objects during a tantrum
  • tantrums frequently last longer than 15 minutes
  • tantrums occur more than 3 times a day

Do you, as the parent, experience any of the following?
  • have concerns that you might hurt your youngster when trying to hold him back or calm him down
  • have problems handling your youngster's behavior
  • have serious concerns about your youngster's tantrums
  • need help with learning to cope with your own feelings during your youngster's temper tantrums

Counseling and/or medical treatment for temper tantrums may be recommended for kids who: 
  • regularly have tantrums after 4 years of age
  • have long-lasting and frequent temper tantrums
  • cause self-injury or become violent

This is where support is needed both in the form of direct interventions related to the behaviors, and in advising and helping moms and dads manage episodes in ways that can be applied at home. These difficulties can be improved slowly through education and other interventions.

Moms and dads can help by making an effort to manage the environment so that the child is more comfortable (e.g., providing structure, avoiding distracting information when engaging in tasks, allowing personal space where necessary, etc.). Challenging behavior serves a communicative conduct. In this case, the cause for the behavior must first be identified before teaching and developing other means of communicating.


==> Click here for more parenting advice on dealing with tantrums, meltdowns and shutdowns...

List of the Most Popular Books on Autism Spectrum Disorders

General Reference—

• ATTWOOD, T., Asperger's Syndrome - A Guide for Parents & Professionals, Jessica Kingsley, UK, 1998. This paperback is essential reading for those living or working with a child or adult with Asperger Syndrome. It is written in a clear and concise manner, with plenty of examples, practical suggestions and resource lists.
• BARNHILL, G., Right address...wrong planet: Children with Asperger Syndrome becoming Adults, Autism Asperger Publishing Company, 2002. Written by an autism consultant, who has an adult son with Asperger Syndrome, this paperback covers a much needed area - that of adolescence and adulthood. Ms. Barnhill offers both her family perspective and practical advice for those living with/caring for an adult with Asperger Syndrome.
• BASHE, P.R. & KIRBY, B.L. The OASIS Guide to Asperger Syndrome, Crown Publishers, 2002. Written by two parents, this paperback deals with the social, emotional and cognitive challenges faced by those with Asperger Syndrome, and their parents. It also provides an overview of treatment strategies and options.
• HOWLIN, P., Children with Autism and Asperger Syndrome, John Wiley & Sons, 1998. Pat Howlin is one of the most highly regarded clinicians in the field of autism. This paperback describes the full range of presentations along the autistic spectrum, and explains what is currently known about causes, assessment and treatment. Pat deals in an unbiased way with the vast range of treatments and therapies for autistic disorders. This is a detailed reference for practitioners and caretakers.
• NEWPORT, J. & M. Autism-Aspergers and Sexuality, Future Horizons, 2002. This paperback is written by a married couple, both of whom have Asperger Syndrome. It is a valuable insight into the social and sexual challenges faced by those with an Autism Spectrum Disorder, and provides advice for these individuals and their parents. Some parts of this paperback are quite explicit.
• SHAW, W., Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD, The Great Plains Laboratory, US, 1998. This paperback will be of interest to parents and others who are researching the alternatives to conventional treatment and management of Autism Spectrum Disorders. It specifically focuses on biological treatments, including antifungal and antibacterial treatments, gluten and casein restriction, vitamin therapy, food allergies - to name a few. This publication is not considered to be part of the mainstream literature on Autism Spectrum Disorders, but will meet the need of some families.
• WING, L., The Autistic Spectrum - A Guide for Parents and Professionals, Constable, London, 1996. On its publication in 1971, Lorna Wing's paperback Autistic Children was acclaimed as the definitive guide on autism. In this update, Lorna describes what autism is, how to help those with the condition, and the service types of value. This guide is easy to read and invaluable for parents and anyone working with people with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Training Programs and Approaches—

• ADAMS, J., Autism - PDD: Introductory Strategies for Parents & Professionals; Creative Ideas During the School Years; and More Creative Ideas from Age Eight to Adulthood, Adams Publications, Ontario, 1995 & 1997 (distributed by Future Horizons). A mother in Canada has compiled these parent resource paperbacks. They are packed with useful ideas, checklists, strategies, sample charts, teaching aids and suggestions gleaned from her son's teachers and therapists.
• CUMINE, V., LEACH, J. & STEVENSON, G., Asperger Syndrome A Practical Guide for Teachers, David Fulton Publishers, UK, 1998. This is an essential resource paperback for teachers and parents. It provides a clear, non-technical explanation of the autistic spectrum, Asperger Syndrome, diagnostic issues and the educational implications of current theories. The bulk of the paperback provides information about educational and behavioural interventions in a school setting, in an accessible dot point format.
• GRAY, C., The Original Social Story Paperback; The New Social Story Paperback and the New Social Story Paperback Illustrated Edition, Future Horizons, (1993, 1994 & 2000). Social Stories provide individuals with autism with accurate information regarding situations they encounter. For many students with Asperger Syndrome, this type of written information appears to have a positive impact on their responses to social situations. Social stories have also been used successfully to teach academic skills. These paperbacks are collections of sample social stories compiled by Carol Gray, who developed the Social Stories approach.
• HOGDGON, L., Visual Strategies for Improving Communication, Quirk Roberts, 2001. A very practical paperback that provides easy to follow strategies for using visual aids to assist those with autism, Asperger Syndrome and PDD-NOS. Strategies are suggested for school and home.
• JORDAN, R. & POWELL, S., Understanding and Teaching Children with Autism, John Wiley & Sons, England, 1996. An excellent paperback for all teachers of children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. The authors provide a basis for understanding the developmental processes and problems of these students, and also the implications of these for social and educational learning.
• MCAFFEE, J., Navigating The Social World, Future Horizons, 2002. This manual provides a thorough curriculum for teaching social skills to individuals with Asperger Syndrome and High Functioning Autism. The program includes forms, exercises and guides for the student, and educational guidance to teachers and parents.
• MOYES, R.A., Incorporating Social Goals in the Classroom, Jessica Kingsley, 2001. This paperback is divided into two sections - the first gives a thorough overview of the characteristics of Asperger Syndrome and high functioning autism; the second half provides a guide to assessing areas of social deficit and implementing appropriate strategies. Very useful for parents and teachers.
• MYLES, B. S. & SOUTHWICK, J., Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments, Autism Asperger Publishing, KS, 1999. This paperback specifically examines the rage and anger exhibited by persons with Asperger Syndrome. Chapter headings include "An overview of the characteristics of Asperger Syndrome that may impact on behavior"; "The rage cycle and functional assessment of behaviors in the cycle"; "Strategies that promote self-awareness, self-calming and self-management"; and "Specifically for Parents". It is practical and easy to use and especially recommended for parents, caretakers, and teachers.
• SMITH MYLES, B & ADREON, D., Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence: Practical solutions for school success, Autism Asperger Publishing Co, 2002. An excellent overview of the challenges faced by teenagers with Asperger Syndrome at school. The paperback provides teachers and parents with practical solutions to assist in the transition to, and survival in, secondary school.
• WILLEY, L.H. (ed.), Asperger Syndrome in Adolescence: living with the ups, downs and things in between, Jessica Kingsley, 2003. This paperback tackles issues pertinent to all teenagers with Asperger Syndrome, including friendship, depression and sexuality. A different author, including Tony Attwood, Liane Holliday Willey and Rebecca Moyes, has written each chapter.
• WINTER, M., Asperger Syndrome: what teachers need to know, Jessica Kingsley, 2003. Written by a teacher, this paperback is very easy to read and full of strategies that will assist teachers, both in understanding Asperger Syndrome and also in providing a positive classroom experience for students.

Parents and Families—

• BOYD, B. Parenting a child with Asperger Syndrome, Jessica Kingsley, 2003. Written by the mother of Kenneth Hall (author of Asperger Syndrome, the Universe and Everything) this paperback is a handy guide for parents and teaching staff. The format makes it very easy to use - it covers the range of issues that affect a person with Asperger Syndrome, and a host of tips and strategies to address these issues. Highly recommended for parents and teachers.
• HARRIS, S.L., Siblings of Children with Autism, Woodbine House, USA, 1994. This paperback will help parents understand a little more about sibling relationships and how Autism Spectrum Disorder can affect these relationships. It is a practical paperback, with suggestions and strategies for dealing with specific issues that are often of concern to siblings.
• JACKSON, J. Multicolored Mayhem, Jessica Kingsley, 2003. Jacqui Jackson is the mother of seven children. Her four boys are affected by a mixture of autism, Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia. Jacqui is also the mother of Luke, who authored the very popular paperback Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome. In Multicoloured Mayhem Jacqui gives the reader an amazing insight into her parenting strategies and the skills she has developed that enable her to parent these children on her own!
• WAITES, J. & SWINBOURNE, H., Smiling at Shadows, Harper Collins, 2001. This is the story of Junee and Rod Waites and their son Dane. Dane was born in Melbourne in 1974. He was diagnosed with classic autism when he was about four. Junee and Rod have endured much to bring Dane into their world, from infancy through childhood and adolescence to the talented and caring adult that he now is, with a valued place in his community. A remarkable family account.

Children's Paperbacks—

• DAVIES, J., Able Autistic Children - Children with Asperger Syndrome, University of Nottingham,1993/94. Designed specifically for brothers and sisters of children with Asperger Syndrome from the age of seven years, this useful paperback explains what Asperger Syndrome is and explores some of the difficulties that siblings may experience.
• HADDON, M., The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, Random House, 2003. Christopher is 15 and has Asperger Syndrome. He finds his neighbor's dog dead one night and decides to 'do some detecting' to solve the crime. His efforts lead to an eventful sequence of events for Christopher and his parents. The story is written in the first person, from Christopher's perspective, and provides an amazing insight into how people with Asperger Syndrome and Autism think. It is funny, sad, exhausting and ultimately very satisfying to read. Whilst noted as a children's paperback, we would recommend it for teenagers and adults - it is a little gruesome and the language is colorful!
• HOOPMAN, K., Blue Bottle Mystery; Of Mice and Aliens; Lisa and the Lacemaker; Haze, Jessica Kingsley, 2001, 2002, 2003. Kathy Hoopman is an Australian parent who has written a series of adventure stories in which the central character has Asperger Syndrome. These paperbacks are a delightful read for siblings, peers and young people with Asperger Syndrome. Suitable for children aged eight years onwards.
• IVES, M., What is Asperger Syndrome and how will it affect me?, National Autistic Society, 1999. This is a useful guide specifically for the teenager and young adult seeking explanations about themselves. It contains simple coping strategies and answers to some frequently asked questions.
• MURRELL, D., Tobin Learns to Make Friends, Future Horizons, 2001. A delightful story about a train carriage that has characteristics of Asperger Syndrome, and therefore has difficulty making friends. Highly recommended for siblings, peers and children with Asperger Syndrome, between the ages of 6 - 14.
• OGAZ, N., Wishing on the Midnight Star, Jessica Kingsley, 2004. Told from the point of view of Alex, a 13-year-old boy whose older brother has Asperger's, this adventure story is about two brothers, their relationship, their friends and some interesting dilemma's they get themselves into. A highly enjoyable read for those aged between 8-15. This paperback is by the author of another Asperger adventure, Buster and the Amazing Daisy.
• SCHNURR, R, G., Asperger's Huh? - A Child's Perspective, Anisor Publishing, 1999. An excellent paperback on Asperger Syndrome for children, peers, teachers or parents. Written from the point of view of a 10-year-old child with Asperger Syndrome, it gives a good overview of the common difficulties faced by those with Asperger Syndrome.
• WELTON, J., Can I tell you about Asperger Syndrome? - A guide for friends and family, Jessica Kingsley, 2004. This paperback is about Adam, an 11-year-old boy with Aspergers Syndrome. Adam's story is about the challenges of AS, his talents and his needs. This paperback is designed to assist children's understanding of AS, and is suitable for those aged between 7 and 15.

Autobiographical Accounts—

• FLEISHER, M., Making Sense of the Unfeasible, Jessica Kingsley, 2003. Diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome when he was 11 years old, Marc has gone on to complete degrees in mathematics. This paperback is an enjoyable account of his life and his strategies for success, complete with appendices on astronomy, parallel universes and the mathematics of unfeasibly large numbers!
• HALL, K., Asperger Syndrome, the Universe and Everything, Jessica Kingsley, 2002. A wonderful paperback written by an 11-year-old boy with Asperger Syndrome. This paperback gives a fantastic insight into his world, and provides an understanding of life with Asperger Syndrome. Highly recommended for siblings, parents, teachers and young people with Asperger Syndrome.
• JACKSON, L., Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome, Jessica Kingsley, 2002. Written by a 13 year old boy with Asperger Syndrome, this paperback is highly recommended for parents, teachers, and young adults with Asperger Syndrome. It is funny, sad, insightful and full of great tips for parents and teachers.
• LAWSON, W., Life Behind Glass (1998); Understanding and Working with the Spectrum of Autism (2001); Build Your Own Life (2003), Jessica Kingsley. For 25 years Wendy was incorrectly diagnosed with schizophrenia. When in her 40's, her son was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and she realized that this condition explained her own difficulties. With this unique insight, Life Behind Glassis a readable and very moving personal account. Her more recent paperbacks provide practical day-day strategies for living with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Wendy is an acclaimed speaker and consultant and lives in Victoria.

Videos—

• Ask Me about Asperger Syndrome, Michael Thomson Productions, 2000. A fantastic, 30 minute video targeting teaching staff. This video is very comprehensive and will give teachers a thorough introduction to Aspergers Syndrome and several classroom strategies that will assist students and teachers. Would also be helpful for parents.
• ATTWOOD, T., Asperger Syndrome: a video guide for parents and professionals, Future Horizons 1999. A three hour presentation by Tony Attwood covering the major characteristics of Asperger Syndrome, the diagnostic process and management strategies. It is a very helpful introduction for anyone interested in learning about Asperger Syndrome. Tony has an informative and unique presentation style and is in demand as a speaker around the world.
• GRANDIN, T. Sensory Challenges and Answers and Visual Thinking of a Person with Autism, Future Horizons, 2002. These videos are interviews with Temple Grandin and provide a useful insight into the sensory challenges faced by people with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and the process of 'thinking in pictures' and strategies to overcome these. Each video is approximately 30 minutes long.
• PRIOR, M. et al, Understanding Asperger Syndrome, Royal Children's Hospital, Melbourne, 2000. This 28 minute video explains the nature of Asperger Syndrome, how it impacts on the affected child and their families, and gives practical advice for teachers. Available to buy from Autism Victoria.

Periodicals—

• Autism Research Review International (USA)
• Autism/Asperger Syndrome Digest (Future Horizons)
• Communication (National Autistic Society - UK)
• NoticeBoard (Association for Children with a Disability, Victoria)
• The Advocate (Autism Society of America)

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

How to Prevent Meltdowns in Children on the Spectrum

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

Parenting Defiant Teens on the Spectrum

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

Older Teens and Young Adult Children with ASD Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here
to read the full article...

Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and HFA

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...