Search This Site

Followers

Showing posts sorted by relevance for query teen. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query teen. Sort by date Show all posts

Imposing Effective Consequences for Noncompliant Teens on the Autism Spectrum

“I’m a single mom raising a son on the spectrum (high functioning autistic). He is 16 and a half years old. I get eye rolls from him on a daily basis, impatient ‘Duhs’ when I say something that is apparently just so obvious, and the insistence on having it his way, whether it’s a minor event (“I want 10 more minutes on this game”), or more major (“I’m not going to dad’s this weekend”). I think he was picking up some of this cocky attitude from a few other students in school who are known to be trouble makers. Some of it I chalk up to his strong-willed personality, and, of course, a lot of it has to be his disorder. So, because I passionately want him to grow up to be strong, but not obnoxious …confident, but not rude …and determined, but not defiant, I need some advice on how to use positive discipline with this child.”

Issuing consequences to an “out of line” adolescent with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Asperger’s (AS) is likely to bring out the best and the worst in parents. They want to help their son or daughter make up for what's missing by increasing their love and attention, but these “special needs” adolescents can trigger unique frustrations in moms and dads.



Most adolescents go through foreseeable stages of development in the teen years. Parents know about when to expect what behavior - and how long it will last. When parents know that they don't have to weather this “challenging behavior” phase indefinitely, it helps them cope. But, with many ASD adolescents, the “challenging behavior” stage seems to go on forever, as does the aggravation for the parent.

Raising an autistic teen is a tough job. The joys and sorrows – as well as the ups and downs – are amplified. You cheer at each accomplishment, and you agonize about each new challenge.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

Here are some important disciplinary strategies for adolescents on the autism spectrum:

1. Visual aids may help your adolescent see the reason behind your disciplinary techniques.  Make an “If/Then Chart” or a “Consequence Chart” that shows exactly what will happen if your adolescent engages in a particular behavioral problem – and why that specific discipline “fits the crime.” Always remember this major tenet: Adolescents on the spectrum thrive on structure and clear rules! Thus, posting a list of unacceptable behaviors and their consequences is very helpful.

2. Another visual aid that is needed is a “rewards chart.”  Equal importance should be placed on appropriate behavior (e.g., acknowledgement and praise, tangible rewards, etc.) to balance out the negative side of things.

3. View “disobedience” as a sign that your teen “needs” something. Every “misbehavior” an ASD adolescent engages in tells parents something about what he or she needs. For example, if your son becomes indignant when asked to do his homework while he is in the middle of playing video games, he is saying in essence, “I’m not prepared to make that transition right now.” Thus, what’s needed here is more structure, which could entail an “activities chart” that illustrates the exact time homework is to be started (and possibly an alarm that sounds 15 minutes prior to “homework time” as a reminder). In this way, there are no disappointing surprises.

4. Of course, there are occasions when consequences for poor choices become necessary (e.g., grounding, taking away privileges, etc.). But, with autistic teens, the consequences should always be (a) immediate, (b) specific, (c) relevant, and (d) short-term:
  • Immediate – A “special needs” teen is likely to have a short memory. So, a consequence issued later in the day for misbehavior that occurred earlier that morning will lose its effectiveness.
  • Specific – ASD teens are very fact-oriented and do not do well in ambiguous situations. Thus, parents must briefly explain in very concrete terms why the teen is receiving a particular consequence.
  • Relevant –  Adolescents on the autism spectrum may not be able to perceive cause-and-effect, thus the consequence must make sense to them. For example, withdrawing a privilege (such as loss of computer time) for being rude is not relevant to the infraction. Playing on the computer has nothing to do with rudeness. In this case, a more germane consequence would be to have the teen apologize to the offended party. (Note: I’m not saying that you should NEVER issue a consequence that doesn’t have a direct tie-in to the misbehavior in question, simply use the loose tie-in as a last resort. In the example above, if the teen refuses to apologize for being rude, then give him the option of (a) apologizing or (b) losing his favorite activity for a period of time. In this way, he has the choice to accept the lesser consequence - an apology, or the stiffer one - loss or privileges.)
  • Short-term – Prolonged consequences will lose their impact due to the fact that most teens on the spectrum have attentional difficulties. In other words, if they are grounded for 3 days, they may forget why they are being punished after the second day.

5. Positive consequences have been shown to be very effective in changing the inappropriate behavior patterns of autistic adolescents (e.g., praise, encouragement, positive reinforcement, etc.). For example, complimenting your adolescent for a responsible, cooperative, or compassionate act will tend to promote that behavior. Thus, catch your teenager doing things right MORE OFTEN than you catch him or her doing things wrong. Diligently search for these opportunities.



 

6. Keep a diary of your teen’s behavior with the goal of discovering patterns or triggers for misconduct. Recurring behavior may be indicative of the teen taking some gratification in receiving a desired response from the parent or teacher. For instance, the teen may discover that arguing with one of his classmates will result in his being removed from class, which is exactly what he wants.

In this case, the punishment for the misbehavior, or attempting to explain the situation from the perspective of the classmate, may not provide a solution. Instead, it would be best to look at the motivation for the misbehavior. A good question to ask is, “How can this teenager be made more comfortable in class so that he will not want to leave it?”

7. Pick your battles carefully. You can’t possibly address every behavior problem that comes down the pike. Also, some behavior problems may need some form of therapy in order to be eliminated, rather than some form of discipline. So, learn to prioritize. Make a list of 3 or 4 behaviors that you feel are the most deserving of attention, and only work on those.

8. Some parents of a teen on the spectrum can become overprotective. They may make frequent excuses for his behavior, or they may not impose consequences for poor choices where most others agree it to be warranted. When this happens – regardless of the disorder – the balance of authority shifts. The teenager gains more and more control while being protected in a sheltered environment with little or no discipline.

The parent who does very little in the way of discipline, or who micromanages every aspect of the teen’s life is teaching some very artificial life lessons that will significantly hinder the teen in the real world. Knowing when, how, and how much to discipline the ASD teen is very challenging. You may be filled with worry for your teen and his future. But, you still need to find balance in your role as a parent and disciplinarian. There is a fine line between being an effective mother or father, and being perceived as pampering of the “special needs” teen.

9. Don't lower your standards of discipline simply because you have a “special needs” teen. Parents may be tempted to get lax and let their adolescent get by with behaviors they wouldn't tolerate from their other children. Just as with any other teen, adolescents on the autism spectrum need to know - early on - what behavior parents expect. Some moms and dads wait too long to start their “tough love” strategies for out-of-control teen behavior. Then, as their teen transitions to adulthood, parents wonder why their adult child is still playing video games in the basement rather than attending college or working somewhere.

10. Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for imposing appropriate consequences – even when the child has a “disorder.” Behavior management is not about punishing or demoralizing your teenager. Rather, it's a way to lovingly set boundaries and communicate expectations. Imposing consequences is one of the most important ways you show your  teen that you love and care about him.

11. Help your adolescent build a sense of responsibility. Parents of “special needs” teens may be tempted to rush in and do things for them. But for these adolescents, the principle of "show them how to fish rather than give them a fish" applies all the more.

12. Adolescents on the spectrum tend to prefer being isolated. Thus, being sent to their room for a time-out can actually be a reward for misbehavior unless modified slightly (e.g., being sent to the room with no computer privileges).

Knowing the best way to impose consequences for misbehavior is not an easy task, particularly in light of some of the characteristics commonly associated with the ASD level 1 (e.g., the tendency to blame others rather than assume responsibility for behavior, the inability to perceive cause-and-effect, difficulty generalizing from one situation to another, having a short memory for misdeeds - but not for the consequences, and so on). Nevertheless, with patience, humor, and a sense of perspective, you can become your adolescent's supporter and advocate, even in your role of authority.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… After going to an all day training on the (neurotypical) teenage brain, I came to believe that typical teenage behavior/brain development is very, very similar to autistic behavior, so all the best techniques that you already use will be helpful. One tidbit I loved is learning that typical teens can't read facial expressions accurately and misread everything as anger, leading to defensiveness, so I tell our boys, "Your brain seems to be misinterpreting something you see on our (parent) faces that isn't there. We are surprised, not angry. Please try (that attitude in response) again." (Also, don't lift your eyebrows. Communicate as if you have Botox face. Every facial twitch can make them feel afraid of/react to misperceived perceived anger.) Teaching our own boys about the parts of their brain and how it changes (esp prefrontal cortex) has been helpful in our home. Logic helps them understand the emotion and to know that what they are experiencing is completely normal (brain and hormonal), so it takes some of the reaction away and allows everyone to respond. The more I learn about development at each stage, the better I can figure out the most effective tools to adapt for my kiddos. I can't find the specific seminar link right now but this link has some great tidbits.
•    Anonymous said… Ahhhh summer vacation is just barely a week old yet .. my kid has already spent 1 full day of boooooring with no electronics .. at my office doing tedious but simple tasks.
I don't have the patience to deal with the sass & non-listening for the entire summer. I already feel like a broken record. Thank goodness I have a boss that is ok with me bringing in my kid once in a while. I tell her that if she cannot behave for the other adults (like grandparents & sitters), then I have to watch her and the only way I can do that is if she comes to work. So no fun activities, or even "boring tv" or "boring sitting in the backyard reading" .. then she can tag along to work instead.
•    Anonymous said… Btw .. mine is 11.5 .. she has a "phone" - it doesn't have a phone but it had apps & internet & YouTube .. plus she has a d/s & a wiiu and we live super close o a library and within walking distance of a splash pad and a dollar store (so there's often cheap snacks/trinkets) ..  So a day at my office once in a while usually helps with the attitude for a while .. especially with the potential threat of all p.a. days sitting by the shredder  :p
•    Anonymous said… I have a nineteen year old who has Aspergers, he is wonderful, but his life is very difficult......in so many ways
•    Anonymous said… I have twin daughters on the spectrum (HFA) - they are 11 now but when they were younger they did this and then they would answer each other in quotes- as if it were normal. They still go line for line when they find dialogue that amuses them
•    Anonymous said… I think support forum is needed. I feel awfully stressed when my son is this way too
•    Anonymous said… I use my friends sons who are similar ages to my Aspie son as a guide to filter out normal behaviour versus classic Aspie behaviour. To be honest I have found that in the main my son is just going through typical teenager angsts, Similar to what you have described above. Most of my parenting comes from trial and error with him, although his behaviour is mostly typical teenager stuff, the style of discipline he responds to is very different from the other children who are not on the spectrum. I always set clear instructions and give fore-warnings, for example I will go up 30 mins before he is due to turn of the computer and remind him that his time is up soon etc. I never leave it 5 mins before as I know it will cause a meltdown as the transition that quickly is too much for him. Sometimes we have to modify our parenting. Speak to your DR to see if you have any parenting classes for ASD or support groups in your area to get advice etc.
•    Anonymous said… I would honestly tell him how what he says makes you feel/ why you are asking him to do/ not do something. I spell it out for every kid I teach. It tends to help them understand better what I am asking of them and why. Less confusion, less resentment, and much less attitude when the realize I'm not just being a buzz kill because I can. I also dangle a reward for good behaviour. So usually it's at the end of the day they get free time/ a game/ to do something they want if it's possible. Then they tend to stay in line because that reward is strongly desired and they know how to get it.  It has worked for me for students with a range of challenges. I do treat them all like they have choices and the ability to think for themselves. Lots of kids that have given me feedback say that I don't treat them like kids because they feel respected and equal in the conversation. I put things in terms they understand but I talk to them like I would another adult I was having problems with. Often they have logic and reasoning skills good enough to understand at least that part of my explanation.
•    Anonymous said… In all senses I feel for you as I do with what's comin for me! I have 2 NT children who are 21 and 1! And one gorgeous lil aspie who's 6 x
•    Anonymous said… Mine is 6 and like this! God help me  🙏🏼
•    Anonymous said… My 9 yr old is about the sameeeee way
•    Anonymous said… Social behavior is often mimicked without really being understood. It could be a way of communicating even if unappropriate. Perhaps he does not understand how hurtful sarcasm can be.
•    Anonymous said… That's my 18 year old son, except he is verbally abusive. His Dad was no help throughout all of this. He never thought anything was different with him. So he let him run wild at his house.....We had 60/40 time and when my son turned 18. His dad kicked him out because he wanted to stay more with me. Now he is 18 he thinks I can't tell him what to do. It got so bad I had him baker acted. That is involuntary mental hospitalization. He was there for 2 day and now on meds. I'm praying to God. Good luck. I would do strong counseling.
•    Anonymous said… We looked at it as a positive in that at least he was trying to socialize instead of crawling in his own little world
•    Anonymous said… When my aspie daughter has a meltdown, the best way to communicate is through writing down how you feel . I often message my daughter on her phone or tablet, whilst she's upstairs , hiding from the world (she didn't learn to read or write until she was 8 - so I find when she messages me back an amazing feat). It seems easier for her too, to express how she feels without confrontation. The messages always end with 'I love you' x We've sorted many problems out in this way and on some occasions she will come and talk when she's ready x
•    Anonymous said… When our son was in preschool he would often recite lines from television programs in an attempt to communicate with his peers.

Post your comment below…

Helping Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autistic Teens Deal with Their "Disorder"

Teens with Asperger’s (AS) and High Functioning Autism (HFA) bring their unique flavor to adolescence, essentially determined by the levels of three principles: avoidance, insight, and interest. Let's look at each in turn:

Level of avoidance— In the social development of AS and HFA teens who show some interest in peer interactions, social anxiety and resultant avoidance play an important role. Some of these teens get very nervous just with the thought of approaching others and may choose to avoid it at all costs. Their avoidance may appear as if they are not interested in others. It’s important to differentiate this since anxiety can be treated much more easily than genuine lack of interest.

Level of insight— Some teens with AS and HFA will not avoid interacting with others younger, older or similar age. Rather, they are eager to communicate, though, often in a clumsy “in-your-face” way. The level of their insight into their social deficit will then become the determining factor of their social success. If they are unaware of their shortcomings in gauging the social atmosphere and reading social cues, they may inadvertently come across as rude, insulting or boring. They may miss subtle criticism, sarcasm or teasing. As they develop better insight, they become more motivated to learn what had previously not come naturally and intuitively. They also have a better chance to work through a sense of loss.

Level of interest— Some teens with AS and HFA will show little or no interest in others. They may seem to be totally unaware of their friends’ presence, or they may appear indifferent when friends try to interact. As the symptoms of this disorder get less severe over time, the level of interest in developing friendships usually increases. For these “special needs” teens, the quality of social interactions mostly depends on the levels of avoidance and insight.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

Regardless of the individual developmental route, most teens on the autism spectrum start realizing that they are not quite like others at some point during their teenage years. A few factors seem to facilitate the process: (a) a higher level of interest in others; (b) a higher level insight into difficulties in social interaction; and (c) a higher IQ.

Once the young person realizes that he has significant difficulties in conducting social relationships compared to his peers, he needs to deal with this loss. Understanding the thoughts, feelings and behavior of an adolescent on the spectrum is the necessary first step in helping him. Parents need to consider the following coping process that AS and HFA teens go through when dealing with their losses:
  • Denial (e.g., “I don’t have Asperger’s!”)
  • Anger (e.g., “Why do I have this stupid disorder – it’s not fair.”)
  • Bargaining (e.g., “Maybe there’s a cure or some medication I can take that will make it go away.”)
  • Depression (e.g., “I guess I really do have this disorder. I can’t seem to make friends like everybody else can. Nobody likes me.”)
  • Acceptance (e.g., “O.K. So I have this thing called Asperger’s – so what?! A lot of people have it. I don’t care what others think about me. If they don’t like me, that’s their problem.”)

Most commonly, the young person on the autism spectrum will not go through these stages one after another, but rather display a larger or smaller aspect of each at any given time. This is a painful process for both the teen and his parents. Moms and dads may find themselves trying to avoid addressing their teen’s painful circumstances. We are all tempted to avoid pain – and denial is an excellent painkiller. However, as much as denial is contagious, courage and strength are contagious as well. An AS or HFA teenager seeing his parents dealing with the hard issues calmly and rationally will be encouraged to talk about his anger and frustration. This will in turn help him get closer to acceptance.


Teenagers with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Special Considerations for Parents 



==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

Tips for helping your Asperger’s or HFA teen to deal with his disorder:

1. You don’t have to bring up the subject of “spectrum disorders,” but if your teen does, give him a good listening ear – and be patient. Don’t try to change the subject unless he does so.

2. If your AS or HFA teen seems to be depressed, offer the option of counseling. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger. But try not to push the idea directly, even if you feel that your teen clearly needs professional help.

3. Don’t try to minimize your teen’s difficulties, but also don’t let him exaggerate. Provide gentle reality-testing.

4. Most teens with AS and HFA excel in one or two subjects. They tend to accumulate a lot of information on the subject and love to talk about it a lot. Unfortunately, at some point, parents (and siblings) end up losing interest and start getting bored with this “special interest.” Rather than avoiding the subject, try finding out new ways to engage your teen in the subject. Structure the topic in a different way. Find a way to challenge him. Be creative and let the sky be the limit! Your interest will make your teen feel better about himself, and realizing his mastery on the subject will boost his self-esteem.



5. Consider trying an antidepressant medication if your teen doesn’t seem to be able to move on. Look for the following common symptoms of clinical depression (if 5 or more of these are present week after week, you will need to take action):
  • Withdrawing himself from the rest of the family
  • Waking up in the middle of the night and having difficulty falling back to sleep
  • Refusing to participate in group activities
  • Putting himself down (e.g., saying he is “stupid”)
  • Not being able to fall asleep
  • Needing to take naps during the day
  • Making comments such as he hates life, he hates you, nobody loves him, or he wishes he were dead
  • Losing interest in activities he usually enjoys
  • Eating less - or more - than usual
  • Complaining that he is tired all the time
  • Blaming himself unfairly for anything that goes wrong
  • Becoming irritable and angry with the drop of a hat to the point where parents and siblings start walking on egg shells
  • Appearing sad for most of the time

6. Some teens with AS and HFA resolve their sense of loss by turning the issue upside down. That is, rather than clinging to depression and despair, they find their “identity” in their disorder. For example, they may (a) get in touch with other kids on the spectrum, (b) begin educating their peers about AS and HFA at school, (c) set up web sites, chat rooms, or even write books about the disorder, and (d) explore treatment options.

==> Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

Encouraging your teen as he takes action in these ways may turn out to be the best antidepressant treatment ever. How can you encourage an AS or HFA teen to be proactive? Consider the following ideas:
  • Get in touch with organizations like Aspergers Society of America or Asperger Syndrome Coalition of the U.S., and contact their local chapters.
  • Leave brochures, leaflets and other information about teen groups around to catch the attention of your teenager.
  • Never get discouraged and keep trying, always letting your teen make the first move in showing interest.
  • Attend support groups for moms and dads of teenagers on the spectrum, and make acquaintances.

7. In contrast with their rather slow social development, teens on the autism spectrum develop physiologically and sexually at the same pace as their peers. As your “special needs” teen grows older and displays sexualized behavior, you may find yourself worrying. For example, worrying that: (a) your teen will get pregnant (if a daughter) or will impregnate someone else (if a son), (b) he will be taken advantage of, (c) he will contract sexually transmitted diseases, (d) he will not have the opportunity of enjoying sexual relationships, or (e) he will be misunderstood by others.

While some moms and dads get concerned that their AS or HFA teens show no interest in sexual matters, others have to deal with behaviors such as touching private parts in public, touching others inappropriately, talking about inappropriate subjects, stripping in public, staring at others inappropriately, or masturbating in public. To address these concerns, consider the following tips:
  • Rather than making a few comments about sexuality after an issue becomes problematic (e.g., right after an incident when everybody feels quite emotional about what has just happened), set up a time with your teen to talk about sexuality.
  • Talk about “normal” behavior as it relates to adolescent sexuality, then begin to set realistic - but firm - limits about inappropriate behavior. Seeing your level of comfort around this sensitive topic, your teen will get the message that it’s OK to have sexual feelings – and it’s OK to talk about them. Getting this message alone will bring the tension around sexuality down a few notches.
  • Ask about your teen’s desires and worries. Ask direct questions about what he already knows about sex.
  • Don’t be shy about asking for help. Consulting other moms and dads with teens on the spectrum is a good starting point. Your teen’s school may also be able to help. You can also inquire about professional help, which should provide (a) behavioral modification techniques to discourage inappropriate sexual behavior and promote appropriate sexual behavior, (b) sex education based on your teen’s specific needs, and (c) an individualized sexuality assessment.
  • The key is addressing these issues – not avoiding them.

Hormonal changes, self-identity, and the pressure of being socially acceptable are just a few of the challenges that adolescents have to face. If you add AS or HFA to the equation, then you really have your work cut-out for you as a parent. You can help your “special needs” child, but this begins with becoming knowledgeable about what he must face as a teenager. Learn as much about the disorder as possible and how you can support and help him face his unique challenges during this time.

 
Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> Videos for Parents of Children and Teens with ASD
 
----------
 


 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... OT can help... Parents just got to know to find the right ones. My OT private practice company has been trying to target adolescents and young adults like this- but nobody really knows because OT is not recognized as a MH provider in the US and the fact that it is done via telehealth. Parents need to know such options EXIST- as OT is not just about sensory integration or handwriting. If parents want to know more, message me. It's such an oxymoron that services do exist, but parents have little or no idea where to look for it. That is why I (as an OT and a self advocate) am trying to educate the autism community about what OT can do beyond what you might know from other parents or advocates. Bottom line- I want to make a difference for the autism community in this regard. I just want parents and other autistic individuals to give me a chance to make an impact. It's going to be a win-win for the autism community... Your teens and young adults get high quality care and you are supporting a fellow self advocate's advocacy efforts to the OT community about autism. Not that I couldn't make an impact at a clinic based job, but supporting my private practice will allow me to make a bigger impact.
•    Anonymous said... I've homeschooled my daughter since she was 13 and compared to when she was younger she is now a joy and easy to parent. We no longer have school related social anxiety and meltdowns. She attends after school clubs and home school get togethers and has made a selection of good friends for the first time in her life. She has a maturity and understanding of things beyond her years and can choose who to share her HFA with and who not. She can find NT girls aobssions with peer conformity amusing or annoying but now has the confidence to be true to herself. She is focused on knowing her limits and finding a place in the world with employment she will cope with and find fulfilling. She has never slept but now is old enough to leave. Compared to my firends and neighbours with NT girls I have no fears concerning alcohol, drugs, underage sex or unwanted pregnancies, and very little in the way of opposition or defiance.

*  Anonymous said... My daughter has been lucky enough to bond with other children on the spectrum in her class. They have formed a peer group that has slowly grown since 6th grade (she is now in 10th) I think the fact that they understand each other and some are better at social skills has really helped them all.

Please post your comment below…

How Parents Can Help Their Aspergers and HFA Teenagers: 25 Crucial Tips

Bottom line: Mothers and fathers of adolescents with Aspergers and high-functioning autism (HFA) face many problems that other parents don’t – and never will ...period!

Time is running out for teaching their Aspergers or HFA teen how to become an independent grown-up. As one mom stated, "There's so little time, and so much left to do." Parents with teens on the autism spectrum are getting ready to face issues like vocational training, teaching adult social skills and independent living, and providing lifetime financial support for their youngster (if needed). In the meantime, their childlike (and sometimes childish) teen is often indifferent – and even hostile – to the parent’s concerns for the future.

Once an Aspergers or HFA teen enters the teenage years, his mother/father has to use reasoning and negotiation, instead of providing direction. Like all teens, the teen on the spectrum is harder to control and less likely to listen to his parents. He may be tired of mom nagging him to “look people in the eyes,” brush his teeth, and wake up in time for school. He may hate school because he is dealing with social ostracism or academic failure there. So what is a parent to do? Can it get any more difficult for crying out loud!?
 

O.K. Take a deep breath and relax for a moment. Here are some ways that parents with Aspergers and HFA adolescents can deal effectively with some common, everyday issues:

1. Alcoholic drinks or drugs often react adversely with your youngster's prescriptions, so you have to teach your youngster about these dangers. Since most teens o the spectrum are very rule-oriented, try emphasizing that drugs and alcohol are illegal.

2. As you prepare your adolescent for the workforce, keep in mind that people with Aspergers and HA often do not understand office politics. They have problems with the basics, such as handling criticism, controlling emotions, showing up on time, and working with the public. This does not mean they cannot hold down a job. Once they master certain aspects of employment, Aspergers and HFA teens are often able to work at high levels as accountants, research scientists, computer programmers, and so forth.

3. Because of their sensitivity to textures, teens on the spectrum often wear the same clothes day in and day out. This is unacceptable in middle or high school. One idea that has worked for some moms and dads is to find an adolescent of the same age and sex as yours, and then enlist that person to help you choose clothes that will enable your youngster to blend in with other adolescents. Insist that your adolescent practice good hygiene every day.

4. Celebrate your teen’s humor, creativity, and passion.

5. Do you want to understand the Aspergers or HFA teen`s actions? Just ask yourself: What behavior would make sense if you only had 10 seconds to live?

6. Don’t argue or nag. Instead, either (a) decide that the issue is aggravating but not significant enough to warrant intervention, or (b) make an appointment with your teen to discuss the issue.

7. Forgive your teen and yourself nightly. You didn’t ask to live with the effects of the disorder any more your teen did.

8. If it is working, keep doing it. If not, do something else.

9. If the pressure on your youngster to conform is too great, if he faces constant harassment and rejection, and if your principal and teaching staff do not cooperate with you, then it may be time to find another school. The teenage years are often when many moms and dads decide it is in their youngster’s best interest to enter a special education setting. If you decide to work within a public school system, you may have to hire a lawyer to get needed services. Your youngster should have an Individual Education Plan (IEP) and accommodations for the learning disabled. This may mean placement in small classes, tutors, and special arrangements for gym and lunchtime. He should receive extra time for tests and examinations. Teach your youngster to find a "safe place" at school where he can share emotions with a trusted staff member. The safe place may be the school nurse, guidance counselor, or psychologist.

10. If your adolescent is college-bound, you have to prepare him for the experience. You can plan a trip to the campus, and show him where to buy books, where the health services are, and so forth. Teach him how to handle everyday problems such as "Where do you buy deodorant?" and "What if you oversleep and miss a class?" 
 

11. Instead of punishing wrong behavior, set a reward for the correct behavior you would rather replace it with. Rewards should be immediate, frequent, powerful, clearly defined, and consistent.

12. Keep a sense of humor!!!

13. Know that teens on the spectrum are emotionally younger than their chronological age. So if your 15-year-old is still acting like a 10-year-old, things are going as expected.

14. Know that teenagers with the disorder have only 2 “time frames”: (a) Now and (b) Now. There is no future. There is only now. The past is non-negotiable.

15. Most Aspergers and HFA teens can learn to drive, but their process may take longer because of their poor motor coordination. Once they learn a set of rules, they are likely to follow them to the letter – a trait that helps in driving. However, these teens may have trouble dealing with unexpected situations on the road. Have your youngster carry a cell phone and give him a printed card that explains the disorder. Teach him to give the card to a police officer and phone you in a crisis.

16. Most summer and part-time jobs (e.g., movie usher, fast food worker, store clerk, etc.) involve interaction with the public. This means they are not always a good fit for an adolescent with Aspergers or HFA. Some teens on the spectrum can find work in their field of special interest, or in jobs that have little interpersonal interaction. Other adolescents have spent joyful summers at camps designed for adolescents like them.

17. Negotiate, negotiate, and negotiate. Moms and dads need to model negotiation, not inflexibility. Don’t worry about losing control. The mother and/or father always gets to decide when negotiation is over and which compromise is accepted.

18. Pick your fights carefully. Is the issue at hand worth chipping away at your relationship with your teen? Can your teen really control the offending behavior at this moment?

19. Plan ahead. Give warnings before transitions. Discuss in advance what is expected, and what the results might be. Have the teen repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to.

20. The teenage years are tough enough for every adolescent – but throw Aspergers or HFA in the mix, and you got a real challenge!

21. When your teenager was little, you could arrange play dates for him. Now you have to teach him how to initiate contact with others. Teach him how to leave phone messages and arrange details of social contacts such as transportation. Encourage him to join high school clubs like chess or drama. It is not necessary to tell his peers that he has a disorder – let him do that himself. Many adolescents with Aspergers and HFA are enjoying each other's company through Internet chat rooms, forums and message boards.

22. When tempers flare, allow everyone to cool off. Problem solving can only occur during times of composure. 
 

23. You absolutely have to teach your adolescent about sex. You will not be able to "talk around" the issue. You will have to be specific and detailed about safe sex, and teach your youngster to tell you about inappropriate touching by others. Your youngster may need remedial "sex education". For example, a girl needs to understand she is too old to sit on laps or give hugs to strangers. A boy might have to learn to close toilet stall doors (and masturbate only in private).

24. You do not have a standard teen. You can view the issue as a disability, or you can view it as wonderful uniqueness – or you can view it as both! The "disability” viewpoint will help because it eliminates blame, sets reasonable expectations thereby minimizing anger, and points the way for moms and dads and educators to see themselves as "therapists" – not victims. The “wonderful uniqueness” viewpoint will help because you really are in for a special – and often quite enjoyable – experience as a parent of a child on the autism spectrum.

25. You will make it through this – you have no choice. Always keep the following ideas in the back of your mind:
  • a teen with Aspergers or HFA is still a child with thoughts and feelings – you are the adult this youngster looks to for support and guidance
  • negative behaviors usually occur because the teen is spinning out of control, not because he is evil
  • the client in “Aspergers” is the whole family
  • the teenager who needs love and understanding the most will always ask for it in the most unloving ways
  • this is hard work – and it is also hard work for your teen

Resist your impulse to strive and struggle to CHANGE your teenager …don’t strain to get desired results. Instead, enjoy the process of the work you are doing in raising him or her. The results you so desperately desire will come independently of your striving for them. Why? Because (a) you are doing a great job of parenting in spite of your opinion about your “parenting-skills” and (b) teens on the spectrum are late-bloomers. They “get it” eventually.

Take heart. Good luck. And don’t forget to take care of yourself!!!
 
More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:    
 
 

Anger-Control Problems in Asperger's and HFA Teens

"I need help FAST with what to do about my teenage son with autism - high functioning, and his out of control rage!!! Please I need advice."

Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) may be prone to anger, which can be made worse by difficulty in communicating feelings of disturbance, anxiety or distress.

Anger may be a common reaction experienced when coming to terms with problems in employment, relationships, friendships and other areas in life affected by the disorder.

There can be an ‘on-off’ quality to this anger, where the teenager may be calm minutes later after an angry outburst, while those around are stunned and may feel hurt or shocked for hours, if not days, afterward.

Parents often struggle to understand these angry outbursts, with resentment and bitterness often building up over time. Once they understand that their teen has trouble controlling his anger or understanding its effects on others, they can often begin to respond in ways that will help to manage these outbursts.

In some cases, these teens may not acknowledge they have trouble with their anger, and will blame others for provoking them. Again, this can create enormous conflict within the family. It may take carefully phrased feedback and plenty of time for the them to gradually realize they have a problem with how they express their anger.



The next step is for the teen to learn anger-management skills. A good place to start is identifying a pattern in how the outbursts are related to specific frustrations. Such triggers may originate from the environment, specific individuals or internal thoughts.

==> My Aspergers Teen: Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens 

Common causes of anger in Asperger's and HFA teens:
  • Being swamped by multiple tasks or sensory stimulation
  • Build up of stress
  • Difficulties with employment and relationships despite being intelligent in many areas
  • Having routines and order disrupted
  • Intolerance of imperfections in others
  • Other people’s behavior (e.g., insensitive comments, being ignored)

Identifying the cause of anger can be a challenge.  

It is important to consider all possible influences relating to:
  • How well the teenager is treated by peers
  • The environment (e.g., too much stimulation, lack of structure, change of routine)
  • The teen’s mental state (e.g., existing frustration, confusion)
  • The teen’s physical state (e.g., pain, tiredness)

Steps to successful self-management of anger include:
  • Awareness of situations— The teen becomes more aware of the situations which are associated with them becoming angry. They may like to ask other people who know them to describe situations and behaviors they have noticed.
  • Becoming motivated— The teen identifies why they would like to manage anger more successfully. They identify what benefits they expect in everyday living from improving their anger management.
  • Develop an anger management record— The teen may keep a diary or chart of situations that trigger anger. List the situation, the level of anger on a scale of one to ten and the coping strategies that help to overcome or reduce feelings of anger.
  • Levels of anger and coping strategies— As the teen becomes more aware of situations associated with anger, they can keep a record of events, triggers and associated levels of anger. Different levels of anger can be explored (e.g. mildly annoyed, frustrated, irritated and higher levels of anger).
  • Self-awareness— The teen becomes more aware of personal thoughts, behaviors and physical states which are associated with anger. This awareness is important for the teen in order for them to notice the early signs of becoming angry. They should be encouraged to write down a list of changes they notice as they begin to feel angry.

A simple and effective technique for reducing levels of anger is the “Stop – Think” technique:

As the Asperger's or HFA teen notices the thoughts running through his mind...

1. Stop and think before reacting to the situation (are these thoughts accurate or helpful?)
2. Challenge the inaccurate or unhelpful thoughts
3. Create a new thought

A plan can also be developed to help a teen avoid becoming angry when they plan to enter into a situation that has a history of triggering anger. An example of a personal plan is using the “Stop – Think” technique when approaching a shopping center situation that is known to trigger anger.
  • My goal: To improve my ability to cope with anger when I am waiting in long queues. 
  • Typical angry thoughts: ‘The service here is so slack. Why can’t they hurry it up? I'm going to lose my cool any moment now’. Stop thinking this! 
  •  New calmer and helpful thoughts: ‘Everyone is probably frustrated by the long line – even the person serving us. I could come back another time, or, I can wait here and think about pleasant things such as going to see a movie’.

  • Cognitive Behavior Therapy
  • Creative destruction or physical activity techniques to reduce anger
  • Find anger management classes in your area
  • Relaxation techniques
  • Self-talk methods
  • Use visual imagery (jumping into a cool stream takes the heat of anger away)

Coping with extreme anger:

It is hoped that teens with Asperger's and HFA can make use of these strategies when they notice themselves becoming angry and therefore avoid feeling extreme anger. However, this is clearly not always possible. For situations where teens feel they cannot control their anger, they can have a personal safety plan.

Possible steps in a personal safety plan:
  1. Avoid situations which are associated with a high risk of becoming angry
  2. Explain to another person how they can be of help to solve the problem
  3. Explore the benefits of using medication with a doctor or psychiatrist
  4. Leave the situation if possible
  5. Make changes to routines and surroundings (e.g., avoid driving in peak hour traffic)
  6. Phone a friend, or a crisis center to talk about the cause of anger
  7. Plan ways to become distracted from the stressful situation (e.g., carry a magazine)



Behavior Problems in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

Parents often have difficulty recognizing the difference between variations in “normal behavior” versus “Aspergers-related behavior.” In reality, the line between ‘normal’ and ‘Aspergers behavior’ is not always clear – usually it is a matter of expectation.

A fine line can often divide normal from Aspergers teen behavior, in part because what is normal depends upon the teen's level of development, which can vary among teens of the same age. Development can be uneven, too, with a teen's social development lagging behind his intellectual growth, or vice versa. In addition, normal teen behavior is in part determined by the particular situation and time, as well as by the teen's own particular family values, expectations, and cultural or social background.

Understanding your Aspergers (high-functioning autistic) teen's developmental progress is necessary in order to interpret, accept or adapt his behavior (as well as your own). Remember, teens have great individual variations of temperament, development and behavior – especially when they have to deal with the Aspergers condition.

Your responses, as a parent, are guided by whether you see the adolescent's behavior as a problem. Frequently, parents over-interpret or over-react to a minor, normal short-term change in the teen’s behavior. At the other extreme, moms and dads may ignore or downplay a serious problem. Also, they may seek quick, simple answers to what are, in fact, complex Aspergers teen problems. All of these responses to teen behavior may create more difficulty or prolong a resolution.

Adolescent behavior that moms and dads tolerate, disregard or consider acceptable differs from one family to another. Some of the differences come from the parent’s unique upbringing. They may have had very strict parents themselves, and the expectations of their kids follow accordingly. Some behavior is considered a problem when parents feel that others are judging them for their teen's behavior. This leads to inconsistent responses from the parent, who may tolerate behavior at home that he/she would not tolerate in public.

Sometimes moms and dads feel so hurt by their Aspergers teen’s behavior that they respond by returning the “disrespect” – which is a mistake. Teens know that they still need their parents even if they can't admit it. The rollercoaster they put the parent on is also the one they're feeling internally. As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a child is 16 or 17.

But no one's saying your Aspergers teenager should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you, for example. When this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. By letting your teenager know that you're here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he'll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while.

My Aspergers Teen: Discipline for Defiant Aspergers Teens

Asperger’s and HFA Teens as Aggressors

"Any strategies for dealing with an angry 17 y.o. teenager (autistic - high functioning) who has been more and more aggressive towards us, the parents, and his siblings?"

Many children and teens with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are regularly victimized, and even more regularly misunderstood. Naturally, they and their parents feel that they are unjustly treated and inappropriately discriminated against. They are the victims of a society that puts a considerable premium on reciprocal social relationships.

Considering young people with AS and HFA as aggressors seems to fall-in with exactly the kind of stigma that has led to the injustice in the past. Nonetheless, aggression is a common problem, as many moms and dads will privately admit (in one survey, 40% of parents of autistic children reported “hitting other people” to be a problem).

Warning signs that an AS or HFA teen may become aggressive include:
  • Being cruel to pets
  • Fantasizing about acts of violence he would like to commit
  • Obsessively playing violent video games
  • Watching violent movies
  • Visiting websites that promote or glorify violence
  • Playing with weapons of any kind
  • Threatening or bullying others



Aggression in teens on the autism spectrum can develop for several reasons: 
  1. Membership card in a deviant group
  2. Special interest
  3. Defensive aggression
  4. Gaining ascendancy
  5. Outrage
  6. Retaliation
  7. Self-preservation
  8. Difficulties with emotional processing

Let’s look at each of these in turn…

1.  Membership Card—

Young people on the autism spectrum are often teased, bullied, and ostracized from their peer group. One option for someone who feels like an “outcast” is to ally himself with other marginalized or disruptive kids. By the time such a child becomes a teenager, his group membership may be in jeopardy, and he may have to behave more outrageously – and sometimes more aggressively – in order to fit-in. However, aggression is not usually the central method of staying in the group. This subgroup of teens may be engaged in other “normal” criminal and antisocial activities (e.g., alcohol and drug abuse, vandalism, theft of property, etc.). These are “typical” misdemeanors of adolescence, but are not usual misdemeanors in teens with AS or HFA. However, the autistic teen who carries out these apparent typical crimes, and who does so in a group, is often different from other group members. He will often be encouraged by the other members of the group to be the one who breaks the window or the one to drop the match. And, if property is stolen, the autistic teen will rarely know what to do with it or how to profit from it.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

2.  Special Interests—

Some teens with AS and HFA become fascinated with powerful others. This may be expressed through an interest in worldwide wrestling or martial arts training. They may have a special interest in fire that can lead to arson. There is often a period of covert fire setting in the garden or in a local woods that precedes the incident that comes to public attention. AS and HFA teens who have such an interest enjoy looking at fires and feel satisfaction from setting a fire. They may use fire-setting to escape a situation (e.g., setting a fire in the classroom), or they may use fires to pay back others. An interest in fire may persist for many years. Special sexual interests also may be a problem for these “special needs” teens.

3.  Defensive Aggression—

Although there is no reason to suppose the families with an AS or HFA child are more troubled than those of anyone else, there is every reason to think they are as troubled. A teen or young adult on the spectrum who is brought up in a troubled family may have to fight back to defend himself, and this aggression may spill out into other situations. However, there is one kind of defensive aggression that occurs even in children with AS and HFA whose families of origin have been aggression-free. This is when aggression is intended to terminate an aversive stimulus (e.g., a high-pitched sound). There was a report of one man with AS who tried to strangle a little girl who was crying in a supermarket, because he could not bear the noise. There have been other reports of AS individuals who have become violent when hearing certain kinds of music. In addition, aggression may result if an AS or HFA teen's belongings are upset or if he is interrupted in an activity that is important to him. An example of this is a 12-year-old boy with AS who hit his sister with a baseball bat because she pulled the plug of the computer when he was immersed in a game. He broke his sister's arm, and still, some years later, thought that was justified.

4.  Gaining Ascendancy—

Some of the most serious acts of aggression are committed by AS and HFA teens who feel so isolated and so powerless that they feel they have nothing to lose. In these circumstances, an act of violence that makes others take notice can become the stuff of daydreams, and can then be translated into practice. This kind of aggression often has a detached quality, almost like an experiment. Indeed, the AS or HFA teen may sometimes say, “I wanted to see what would happen.” An example of this is a 16-year-old female with AS who lived with her father, his new wife and their newborn. This teen was left to look after the baby and wanted to see what would happen if she mixed ground glass into the baby's food, which she did.



==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens


5.  Outrage—

Entering the teenage years feeling lonely and powerless, struggling with learning difficulties, and having other people attribute both of these problems to personal shortcomings, are all unpleasant experiences. In this situation, two options often seem to present themselves:
  • Aggression is an easy route to outrage, although usually it is incidental to a wider strategy of disrupting a social situation. An AS or HFA child may just need to refuse to obey school rules, swear at the teacher, or knock down school furniture. As the child reaches adolescence, more serious acts may be necessary to produce outrage, and these can involve aggression.
  • Another option is to become the class joker who is prepared to do the craziest things to be a member of the gang or to become outrageous. Outrage has the advantage that other’s reactions to it are extreme, and therefore easier to read. It also provides a sense of power, at least if others are distressed by it.

6.  Retaliation—

Many young people with AS and HFA have strict codes of behavior that often include a dislike or even hatred of violence. However, even among them, aggression can be a problem when the teen or young adult becomes frustrated, feels unfairly treated, or feels excluded. The autistic teen can convince himself that aggression is justified in these circumstances. Aggression toward younger siblings may be a problem, as may aggression at school. But, the usual arena is at home.

This kind of aggression may be explosive, in which case there is often a sharp onset and a sharp offset. The teenager with AS or HFA may even be unaware of the impact of his aggression. As one parent stated, “He calmed down immediately, long before we could feel calm. He just seems to want to carry on as if nothing had happened. If we try to talk about the outburst, we can set him off again.” Outbursts of this kind may begin at an early age. Counter-violence makes matters worse, but it is a solution that often appeals to fathers. Withdrawal during the outburst, and then discussing how it felt to be on the receiving end of it, are often useful, but dealing with this level of aggression can be one of the most difficult aspects of living with a child on the autism spectrum.

7.  Self-preservation—

Young people with AS and HFA have a lively sense of self-preservation. They may therefore suppress an aggressive response to a bully or another aggressor, but turn the aggression on to a more vulnerable person later, who may have had nothing to do with the situation. The target of aggression is most likely to be the mother, or later in life, the spouse.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

8.  Difficulties with Emotional Processing—

Emotional processing is difficult for teens on the spectrum. They can’t tell themselves to “just forget it” or “life's too short to worry so much.” They want answers – and they want justice. A teen who has a clinic appointment may start to worry about this for several days, and then may ask repeated questions about what will happen, the route to be taken, and so on. Outbursts may happen during this period of heightened stress. Incidents that have happened in the past (sometimes many years before) may linger in the mind of an older teen or young adult with AS or HFA, and may resurface at regular intervals. When they do, it is as if he is re-experiencing the episode over again, and he may become suddenly and unexpectedly aggressive.

Treatment—

The unexpectedness of the timing and of the target of aggression makes risk assessment particularly difficult. Treatment also can be difficult because the AS or HFA teen, lacking empathy for others' reactions to his violence, may continue to feel that violence is justified. When aggression is a symptom of irritability, treatment of an underlying mood disorder may be useful. In the rare cases in which aggression is a symptom, anticonvulsants may be useful. Many doctors use “mood stabilizing” drugs in the absence of a mood disorder. However, this is most often because it reassures the doctor and the parents that something is being done, rather than that the drug has a specific effect.

How Parents Can Help—

The challenge for moms and dads is to help their AS or HFA teen cope with emotions and deal with aggressive tendencies in a more constructive way. Here are just a few tips:
  • Try to uncover what’s behind the aggression. Is your teen anxious, sad or depressed? Does he have feelings of inadequacy because his peers don’t accept him?
  • Manage your own temper. You can’t help your “special needs” teen if you lose your temper too. As difficult as it sounds, remain calm and balanced no matter how much your teen provokes you. If you or other family members scream, hit each other, or throw things, your AS or HFA teen will naturally assume that these are appropriate ways to express himself.
  • Help your teen find healthy ways to relieve tension. Exercise or team sports can help relieve aggressive tendencies. Many “special needs” teens also use art or writing to creatively express their rage. Dancing or playing along to loud music can also provide relief.
  • Give your teen a place to retreat. When he is upset, allow him to retreat to a place where it’s safe to cool off. Don’t follow him and demand apologies or explanations while he is still raging. This will only prolong the anger, or even provoke aggression.
  • Establish rules and consequences. At a time when both you and your teenager are calm, explain that there’s nothing wrong with feeling anger, but there are unacceptable ways of expressing it. If he lashes out, he will have to face the consequences (e.g., loss of privileges, police involvement, etc.). AS and HFA teens need structure and consistent rules more than “typical” teens do.
  • Be aware of warning signs and triggers. Does your AS or HFA teen get headaches or start to pace before exploding? Does a certain teacher or class at school always trigger rage? When your teenager can identify the warning signs that his temper is starting to boil, it allows him to take steps to defuse the rage before it gets out of control.

Dealing with an aggressive AS or HFA teenager is not easy, and it can be hard to trace back the original causes of aggressive behavior. If parents are concerned about their teen’s aggression, they should seek advice from a professional. Oftentimes, teens on the autism spectrum who demonstrate aggression towards others simply need help developing social and communicating skills.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

The Most Devastating Aspect of Teenage ASD - and How Parents Can Help

"My son, 17 y.o. with HFA, is no longer interested in trying to relate to his peers or do anything social. He says 'nobody' likes him. I would describe him as a recluse at this point. Is this something I should be concerned about, or just let him do his thing, which appears to me to be a very lonely way to live.?"

Peer-group rejection occurs when a person is deliberately excluded from social relationships among his or her age group. Unfortunately, this phenomenon is common for teens with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA).

Research dealing with the implications of peer-group rejection on later development suggest that AS and HFA teens experiencing continuous rejection often experience a decline in their self-image, a state of despair, behavioral difficulties, loneliness and seclusion – and in some cases, serious emotional disturbances.

AS and HFA teens who experience peer-group rejection often choose to isolate themselves, which makes a bad problem worse. Here are some of the common reasons for isolation:
  • A depressed adolescent loses interest in everyday activities and drops out of social groups at school. Depression is a Catch-22. It can cause isolation, but may also come from a lack of social interaction. For example, Michael (diagnosed with Asperger’s) was depressed when his attempts to fit-in with the boys in his class always backfired. They were sports-minded, but Jack was more artistic. He was mocked by his male peers for his “weird” artwork and eventually stopped trying to win their friendship. Over a period of weeks, he became depressed and began to isolate.
  • An adolescent who feels rejected may spend too much time on social networking sites and lose touch with peers. He or she may replace genuine social interaction with chat rooms and conversations with strangers. Adolescents who interact online lose out on genuine social interaction. For example, Craig (diagnosed with High-Functioning Autism) was a computer geek who spent hours chatting online. After months of this, his social skills were under-developed and his understanding of face-to-face interaction was damaged by hours upon hours of Internet use.
  • Moodiness and erratic behavior can drive an AS or HFA adolescent away from his peers.
  • Shyness can be a cause of social isolation.
  • Many young people on the autism spectrum have one particular “special interest,” and may engage in – and talk about – that interest to the exclusion of all other social activities and conversations. For example, Josh was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 8. He had a particular interest in trains and train schedules, but his classmates found his incessant talk about them boring. They eventually left him out of social activities, which made him feel socially clumsy and unwanted – and resulted in isolation.
  • Some AS and HFA adolescents may be ostracized by their peers because they either excel academically or underachieve. Fitting-in is important to teens, but those who stand out are often pushed to the fringes of social groups.



Though most want to be accepted by their peers, AS and HFA teens tend to be very hurt and frustrated by their lack of social competency. Their inability to “connect" to others is made worse by the negative feedback that they receive from their painful social interactions (e.g., bullying, teasing, rejection, etc.). The worse they perform socially, the more negative feedback they get from their friends and classmates, so the worse they feel and perform. Due to this consistent negative social feedback, many of these “special needs” teens feel depressed, anxious and angry, which just compounds their social difficulties by further paralyzing them in social situations. In addition, although negative behaviors often lead to peer-group rejection, the reverse is also sometimes true (i.e., being ostracized can bring out the worst in AS and HFA teens, which leads to even more ridicule and rejection).

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

The AS or HFA teen can be rejected on an individual basis, or by an entire peer-group. In addition, rejection can be either “active” (e.g., bullying, teasing, ridiculing, etc.) or “passive” (e.g., being ignored, getting the silent treatment, etc.). Some level of rejection is an inevitable part of life for all teens. However, it can become a serious problem when it is prolonged or consistent, when the relationship is important, or when the teen is highly sensitive to being rejected. Furthermore, the experience of peer-group rejection often leads to a number of adverse psychological consequences (e.g., aggression, anxiety, depression, feelings of insecurity, heightened sensitivity to future rejection, school refusal, loneliness, low self-esteem, and even suicidal ideation).

Research reveals that most teens who are rejected by their peers display one or more of the following behavioral patterns:
  • high rates of aggressive or disruptive behavior
  • high rates of inattentive, immature, or impulsive behavior
  • high rates of social anxiety
  • increased preference for solitary activities (e.g., playing video games)
  • low rates of prosocial behavior (e.g., engaging in meaningful conversation, sharing, etc.)

One of the strongest effects of sustained peer-group rejection is “global impairment” (i.e., impairment across several domains, including behavior, emotions, social relationships, and involvement in activities). Studies suggest that long-term peer-group rejection is consistently associated with problems in (a) relationships (e.g., peers, siblings, and adults other than parents), (b) emotions (e.g., feeling unhappy or sad, not having fun, feeling nervous or afraid), (c) behavior at home, and (d) low involvement in activities (e.g., sports and hobbies).

Additional research on peer-group rejection reveals the following:
  • “Active rejection” (e.g., bullying, teasing, ridiculing, etc.) is more stable, more harmful, and more likely to persist after the teen transfers to another school.
  • An analysis of 15 school shootings between 1995 and 2001 found that peer-group rejection was present in all but two of the cases (87%). The documented rejection experiences included both acute and chronic rejection, and frequently took the form of ostracism and bullying. The researchers assert that although it is likely that the rejection experiences contributed to the school shootings, other factors were also present (e.g., depression, poor impulse control, etc.).
  • Peer-group rejection, once established, tends to be stable over time, and thus difficult for the AS or HFA teen to overcome. 
  • Rejected teens are likely to have lower self-esteem, and to be at greater risk for “internalizing” problems (e.g., depression).
  • Some rejected teens display “externalizing” behavior and show aggression (acting-out) rather than depression (acting-in). 
  • Teens with developmental disabilities are more likely to be rejected, and this rejection may lead to a negative developmental cycle that worsens with time (i.e., their emotional growth becomes stunted).
  • Rejected teens are more likely to be bullied.
  • Peer-group rejection is believed to be less damaging for teens with at least one close friend.

For the AS or HFA teen who has poor social skills or struggles to build friendships, the idea of interaction with peers is extremely unappealing. Many of these young people can’t think of anything they would hate more than being “forced” to be outgoing. Who can blame them? Nobody enjoys doing things they “suck” at.

The bottom line is this: AS and HFA teens have a “developmental disability,” which simply means that their emotional age is much younger than their chronological age. So, for example, your 16-year-old AS or HFA son is emotionally more like a 12-year-old – yet he is thrown in with a bunch of 16-year-old classmates. Thus, the odds are high that he has already had numerous uncomfortable peer-encounters at school. You can see why the critically important skill (i.e., the ability to engage in age-appropriate social interaction) needed in the teenage years may be the one thing that the AS or HFA teen associates with failure.

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

The Good News—

Here are several crucial steps that parents and teachers can take to help the AS or HFA teen to deal with rejection:

1. With or without an autism spectrum disorder, most teens become less willing to take a parent’s word or advice. Thus, parents need to hook-up their “special needs” teenagers with other trustworthy adults. If you want your teen to learn or try to do something, arrange for the suggestion or information to come from a trusted adult other than you, the parent. For example, handpick your teen’s guidance counselor, or look for other good mentors (e.g., uncle, scout or youth group leader, psychologist, social worker, peer mentor, “Big Brother,” social skills group leader, weight room coach, martial arts teacher, etc.).

2. Special interests may change, but whatever the current one is, it remains an important aspect of motivation, pleasure, relaxation, and reassurance for the “special needs” teen. So, as long as it isn't creating additional problems, allow your teen to engage in his special interest.

3. Side-by-side conversations (e.g., while walking or driving in the car) about the “issues of the day” may be more comfortable for your teen than talking face-to-face.



4. Seek out activity-based, practical social skills groups designed especially for AS and HFA teens. Participating in such a group, being accepted by group leaders and peers, is probably the most powerful way to allay a teen’s potential despair at not fitting-in socially and not having any friends.

5. Schedule regular monthly educational team meetings to monitor your teen’s progress, to ensure that the IEP is being faithfully carried out, and to modify it if necessary. Because AS and HFA teens can be so volatile or fragile, and because so many important things must be accomplished in 4 short years of high school, these meetings are crucial.

6. Remember that teens on the spectrum are relatively immature (socially and emotionally) compared to “typical” teens of the same chronological age. Imagine sending a 10-year-old girl off to high school (even if she is chronologically 15), or putting a 13-year-old boy behind the wheel of car (even if he has a chronological age of 18), or sending a 16-year-old off to college or the Navy. We need to adjust our expectations for teens on the autism spectrum – and make sure they still have appropriate supports.

7. Look for volunteer activities or part time jobs at the high school or in the community. Be persistent in asking the school to provide help in the areas of career assessment, job readiness skills, and internships or volunteer opportunities.

8. Look for opportunities for a sheltered, successful overnight stay away from home with no parent (e.g., long weekend visits to relatives, a week or two of a carefully chosen sleep-away camp, taking a course on a college campus, etc.).

==> Discipline for Defiant Asperger's and High-Functioning Autistic Teens

9. If you have not talked to your teen about autism spectrum disorders, you or someone else should do so, to the extent that your teen is ready to hear it. It’s difficult for AS and HFA teens, because they so much want to be “normal” and successful. A diagnosis can seem threatening – or even totally unacceptable. In truth, however, the adults with AS and HFA who do best are those who know themselves well – both their own strengths, which point them toward finding their niche in the world, and their own blind spots where they need to learn new skills or seek out specific kinds of help.

10. Have realistic, modest goals for what your teen or the family can accomplish in a given time period. You may need to postpone some plans for career goals, trips, culture or recreation.

11. Go with the flow of your teen’s nature. Simplify schedules and routines, streamline possessions and furnishings. If, for example, your teen only likes plain T-shirts without collars or buttons, buy them. If she likes familiar foods or has a favorite restaurant, indulge her.

12. Even for a previously well-adjusted teen, multiple stressors during the teenage years may bring on anxiety and depression. Stressors include increased academic/abstract thinking and social demands at school, peer pressure, increased social awareness, and fears of the future. Highly anxious teens who do not get professional help may be at risk for school failure, acting-out, alcohol and substance abuse, and even suicide attempts. Seek the assistance of a child and adolescent psychiatrist who specializes in autism spectrum disorders.

13. Build and use any support networks you can (e.g., extended family, close friends, church/synagogue groups, empathetic school staff, etc.). If you don’t have a good network, consider individual or family therapy for some support during a stormy, demanding life passage.

14. Boys on the autism spectrum may need to spend increased amounts of time with their fathers, and/or other male role models as they undertake to become men. If dad has taken a back seat, let him know his son really needs his attention now. If you are a single mother, look especially hard for male mentors at your son’s school or in the wider community.

15. Although most teens with AS and HFA are more docile and child-like, be prepared to tolerate/ignore considerable distancing, surliness, or acting out, knowing that it won’t last forever. At the same time, set some firm limits, and keep a close eye on your teen’s welfare.

16. Teens with AS and HFA are less prepared than “typical” teens for the new challenges of sexuality and romance. Some are oblivious, while others want a girl or boy friend, but are clueless about how to form and maintain a relationship. Boys especially may be at risk for accusations of harassment, and girls especially at risk for becoming victims. Teach appropriate rules, or see that another adult does. Look for supervised activities in which boys and girls can socialize safely together, supervised by a staff person who knows about autism spectrum disorders and can coach appropriate social skills.

17. Teens on the spectrum need to learn when to ask for help, from whom, and how. It’s very helpful to have someone such as a trusted guidance counselor whose door is always open, and who can coach your teen in problem solving.

Adolescent culture is social by nature. Teens tend to move around in groups of people their own age. Thus, an adolescent who is isolated, either by chance or choice, is at a distinct disadvantage – and is often treated as an outcast. The effects of rejection and isolation on an AS or HFA adolescent can be long-lasting and create problems that moms and dads need to address. By using the steps listed above, parents can help their “special needs” teen (a) overcome the negative effects of peer-group rejection, (b) learn critical social skills, and (c) gain the self-confidence needed thrive as an adult.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
 

 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I have a twenty year old who was excluded and teased when he was 15. The wound still exist. In college he still does not want friends and only interacts with video game faceless friends. I gave him therapy, support and love. The heart never forgets this pain. I believe this bulling by the next door neighbor boy is something he got over at some level. His social life consist of video gaming. Gaming just feels easier and safer to socially interact with others. Without games he would be alone?
•    Anonymous said... I have a very lonely, sad 16 yr old
•    Anonymous said... I understand. My son is 15 and i put him in a charter school. He did a shadow tour and told me he wanted to ho there. The school has been very supportive and he's met a few friends. Of course, they had tp approach him.
•    Anonymous said... It's heartbreaking seeing my 14 year old son with no friends...even worse was the constant bullying
•    Anonymous said... The same with my 12 year old
•    Anonymous said... Try finding other small groups or hobby clubs of people with the same interest as your child, a place where they feel they can fit in and belong and have confidence because it is an area of expertise. Through the common shared interest, they can find a social outlet. Check into gaming stores, sometimes they have meetings for those interested in certain games: video games, card games, comic books, etc.
•    Anonymous said... very true
•    Anonymous said… Great advice, tina...gaming clubs, etc.
•    Anonymous said... I am leery of the gaming stores... When I was in NYC we paid a visit to the Nintendo store and what really concerned me was the zombie nature of several grown men around a large white table playing Nintendo games well into the night. I am all for being social, but these men were not being social with each other. It was very off putting and I strongly believe would aid in furthering my son's avoidance behavior. I honestly left concerned...
•    Anonymous said... My son is 17. He has never had what most would call a friend. He has had peers who supported him and allowed him to safely socialize with them which he prefers to act however he wants and talk about whatever he wants while his peers tolerate him but .. that isn't real and I don't know how to help. He graduates from high school this year and .. what happens next? He doesn't have the maturity to study/participate in college and his math deficit and desire to build machines, tanks, firetruscks, sirens, etc doesn't lend itself to any jobs so .. just kinda lost.
•    Anonymous said... This breaks my heart.
•    Anonymous said... we have a 16 year old with similar theme!
•    Anonymous said… My aspie 17 year old seems to be completely oblivious to how much he gets left out. He will follow people around, talking at them, and even continue talking after they turn around and ignore him. He goes to a private school with a higher number of ADHD and special needs kids, and we worship at a mega church. Both places have plenty of nice people who will listen (or pretend to listen) to his non-stop monologues about machinery. The church people especially try to befriend him, but he wants an audience for his monologues, not conversations, so they don't really know how to connect. They tell me what a neat kid he is, though. So, while he still ends up with no one who wants to invite him to hang out on weekends, he feels like he's incredibly popular and well liked since someone among the hundreds in the room will always be willing to hear his unending list of machinery factoids. It's when he's home that he's unhappy, because there is just so much we can handle hearing before we tell him to hush and try to teach him social skills. He gets angry and lashes out, simply because I tell him to try to listen to his siblings or participate in what the family is doing. So it's not being left out that bothers him - it's not being able to treat people as his audience and he's not treated like the star he knows himself to be that really ticks him off.
•    Anonymous said… Just to pick up on the gaming group comment. I can see how it would not be interactive. However, when my son was 13 - 15 he would go to CARD game tournaments (you don't have to take part in the actual tournament) It would lift my heart to see loads of like minded kids chatting and laughing in a way he never did with any other people. Sadly he grew out of the card game phase but I believe it taught him he will not always be lonely.

Post your comment below...

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

How to Prevent Meltdowns in Children on the Spectrum

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

Parenting Defiant Teens on the Spectrum

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

Older Teens and Young Adult Children with ASD Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here
to read the full article...

Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and HFA

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...