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The Holiday Season: Coping Strategies for Aspergers Children

With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, I thought we should have a conversation about coping with the holidays – an especially important topic for parents with Aspergers children:

Nov 1, 2010 ... With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, I thought we should have a conversation about coping with the holidays – an especially important ...

Dec 18, 2008 ... “Dear Family and Friends:” was written for the purpose of it being sent to relatives and hosts of holiday gatherings who might need a crash ...

Dec 6, 2008 ... This is an article designed to help parents of children who have Aspergers through the holiday seasons. We all have fond memories of our own ...

Nov 25, 2010 ... Holiday therapy can be a temporary bridge to January 2nd. ... Remember that as long as you're using substances to deal with holiday stress ...

Children on the Autism Spectrum and Emotional Dysregulation


Emotional dysregulation is a term used in the mental health community to refer to an emotional response that is poorly modulated and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response. Emotional dysregulation may be referred to as labile mood or mood swings.

Possible manifestations of emotional dysregulation include behavioral outbursts (e.g., destroying or throwing objects, aggression towards self or others, anger and rage, etc.). These variations usually occur in seconds to minutes or hours. Emotional dysregulation can lead to behavioral problems and can interfere with a child’s social interactions and relationships at home and school.

Emotional dysregulation is quite common in Aspergers and High-Functioning Autistic (HFA) children. In my practice, the most frequently asked question by parents is: “What do I do when my child loses control of his emotions?” When emotional dysregulation is occurring, the best reaction is to ensure the safety of all concerned. Know that this behavior is not planned, but instead is most often caused by subtle and perplexing triggers. When the behavior happens, everyone in its path feels pain – especially the Aspergers youngster.

When Your Aspergers or HFA Child Experiences Emotional Dysregulation:

1. Acknowledge your youngster’s effect on you. Many HFA kids will calm down if you acknowledge their impact — and get angrier if you don't. You might stop and say something like, "I've stopped the car (or "I am off the phone") and you have my full attention." Then, ask questions like, "What don't I understand?"

2. Avoid physical power struggles. Using your size and strength only exacerbates the problem. Imagine your youngster is feeling furious and picks up a stick. If you grab it before he has time to give it up voluntarily, he might try to hit you with it. Instead, you can avert danger and acknowledge your youngster’s power by saying, "Please put that down. You could hurt someone you love." (Obviously you would never allow someone to hurt or be hurt.)

3. Don't extend your child’s dysregulated state with too much discussion. If your youngster is feeling out of control or in a rage, a lot of talking may not help – in fact, it could prolong the problem.

4. It's natural for HFA children to sometimes have big feelings. You haven't done something wrong if your youngster has an occasional blow-up or melt-down. Moms and dads should only worry if the youngster is chronically, constantly out of control.

5. Keep breathing and stay relaxed. It's hard not to tense up when your youngster is getting out of control, but if you stay relaxed, he's more likely to follow. Sometimes we start holding our breath when things get tense. Instead, inhale, exhale and then talk through your own feelings in a clear and (if necessary) firm way.


6. Keep your own strong feelings separate from your child’s behavior. While it's often important to show your youngster what you feel, entering into his dysregulated state with your own anger will only escalate the situation. Take a breath, speak calmly, even leave the room and give yourself a time out if you need to.

7. Let the emotional dysregulation run its course as long as no one is being hurt. This is really crucial. A youngster who is filled with raw feelings may not know how to manage them. But he may feel reassured by your calmer presence. Then, you get back to the business of communicating.

8. Let your youngster express negative feelings without judging him. Imagine if every time you were upset, some bigger, taller, frowning person looked down at you and said, "Don't feel that way," or "Don't tell me that." Would you feel like calming down - or acting out?

9. Reflect your youngster’s feelings. You might say, "I can see how frustrated you are. Can you tell me what made you feel that way?" ("What" is always more important than "Why" — it asks for specifics.)

10. Seek professional help if you see a repeated, chronic pattern that you can't figure out. If your child’s destructive behavior escalates and becomes increasingly difficult to deal with, and if nothing works over a period of weeks or months, there may be an underlying issue that needs professional help. You can find a referral through a doctor, guidance counselor at your youngster’s school, a friend, neighbor, community center or place of worship.

11. Set limits that your youngster will find comforting. A limit is not a punishment. Limits may help your youngster learn how to calm himself down. Aspergers and HFA children find the “setting of limits” comforting and soothing. They need to know that you (the parent) are in control.

12. Slow down the process by saying, "I need a moment to think about this." If your youngster is starting to lose control, you can slow things down by giving feedback. You might say, "I can see you're upset. Let's talk."

13. Try not to take your youngster’s strong feelings personally. Many moms and dads feel frustrated or personally attacked if their youngster explodes at them. Don't take his strong feelings personally. “I hate you” is not actually a personal statement. What your youngster really may be saying is “I hate being out of control.”

14. Try to avoid threats in the heat of the moment. The moment you make irrational threats with punishments that do not suit the occasion, you are not talking about the topic anymore. In the heat of the moment, if you say, “If you throw that toy – I’ll ground you,” then the youngster may start to fight the grounding, and the original issue is lost.

15. Try to comfort your youngster physically. Each kid on the autism spectrum reacts to emotional dysregulation differently. Some will want to be held, others want to be left alone. If it seems right, you might try holding your youngster, if he will let you. If your child struggles ferociously, let go as long as no one will get hurt.


More resources for parents of children and teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism:

What causes Aspergers and HFA?

Scientists don't know the exact causes of Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism (HFA), but research suggests that both genes and environment play important roles. In identical twins who share the exact same genetic code, if one has Aspergers, the other twin also has Aspergers in nearly 9 out of 10 cases. If one sibling has Aspergers, the other siblings have 35 times the normal risk of also developing the disorder. Researchers are starting to identify particular genes that may increase the risk for Aspergers. Still, scientists have only had some success in finding exactly which genes are involved.

Most people who develop Aspergers have no reported family history of autism, suggesting that random, rare, and possibly many gene mutations are likely to affect a person's risk. Any change to normal genetic information is called a mutation. Mutations can be inherited, but some arise for no reason. Mutations can be helpful, harmful, or have no effect.

Having increased genetic risk does not mean a youngster will definitely develop Aspergers. Many researchers are focusing on how various genes interact with each other and environmental factors to better understand how they increase the risk of this disorder.

In medicine, "environment" refers to anything outside of the body that can affect health. This includes the air we breathe, the water we drink and bathe in, the food we eat, the medicines we take, and many other things that our bodies may come in contact with. Environment also includes our surroundings in the womb, when our mother's health directly affects our growth and earliest development.


Researchers are studying many environmental factors such as family medical conditions, parental age and other demographic factors, exposure to toxins, and complications during birth or pregnancy.

As with genes, it's likely that more than one environmental factor is involved in increasing risk for Aspergers. And, like genes, any one of these risk factors raises the risk by only a small amount. Most people who have been exposed to environmental risk factors do not develop Aspergers. The National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences is also conducting research in this area.

Scientists are studying how certain environmental factors may affect certain genes—turning them on or off, or increasing or decreasing their normal activity. This process is called epigenetics and is providing researchers with many new ways to study how disorders like Aspergers develop and possibly change over time.

Health experts recommend that kids receive a number of vaccines early in life to protect against dangerous, infectious diseases, such as measles. Since pediatricians in the United States started giving these vaccines during regular checkups, the number of kids getting sick, becoming disabled, or dying from these diseases has dropped to almost zero.

Kids in the United States receive several vaccines during their first 2 years of life, around the same age that Aspergers symptoms often appear or become noticeable. A minority of moms and dads suspect that vaccines are somehow related to their youngster's disorder. Some may be concerned about these vaccines due to the unproven theory that Aspergers may be caused by thimerosal. Thimerosal is a mercury-based chemical once added to some, but not all, vaccines to help extend their shelf life. However, except for some flu vaccines, no vaccine routinely given to preschool aged kids in the United States has contained thimerosal since 2001. Despite this change, the rate of kids diagnosed with Aspergers has continued to rise.

Other moms and dads believe their youngster's illness might be linked to vaccines designed to protect against more than one disease, such as the measles-mumps-rubella (MMR) vaccine, which never contained thimerosal.

Many studies have been conducted to try to determine if vaccines are a possible cause of autism. As of 2010, none of the studies has linked autism and vaccines.

Following extensive hearings, a special court of Federal judges ruled against several test cases that tried to prove that vaccines containing thimerosal, either by themselves or combined with the MMR vaccine, caused autism.

More resources for parents of children and teens with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's:

==> How To Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums In Children With High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's

==> Parenting System that Significantly Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> Launching Adult Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Children and Teens with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

My child has been rejected by his peers, ridiculed and bullied !!!

Social rejection has devastating effects in many areas of functioning. Because the ASD child tends to internalize how others treat him, rejection damages self-esteem and often causes anxiety and depression. As the child feels worse about himself and becomes more anxious and depressed – he performs worse, socially and intellectually.

Click here to read the full article…

How to Prevent Meltdowns in Children on the Spectrum

Meltdowns are not a pretty sight. They are somewhat like overblown temper tantrums, but unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. When it starts, the Asperger's or HFA child is totally out-of-control. When it ends, both you and your child are totally exhausted. But... don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day -- and sometimes into the next - the meltdown can return in full force.

Click here for the full article...

Parenting Defiant Teens on the Spectrum

Although Aspergers [high-functioning autism] is at the milder end of the autism spectrum, the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager on the spectrum are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels – unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.

Click here to read the full article…

Older Teens and Young Adult Children with ASD Still Living At Home

Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? Parents of teens with ASD face many problems that other parents do not. Time is running out for teaching their adolescent how to become an independent adult. As one mother put it, "There's so little time, yet so much left to do."

Click here to read the full article…

Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Two traits often found in kids with High-Functioning Autism are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the youngster’s ability to empathize with peers. As a result, he or she may be perceived by adults and other children as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Click here
to read the full article...

Highly Effective Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children with Asperger's and HFA

Become an expert in helping your child cope with his or her “out-of-control” emotions, inability to make and keep friends, stress, anger, thinking errors, and resistance to change.

Click here for the full article...