tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post2758692464347184149..comments2023-09-17T04:34:33.856-07:00Comments on My ASD Child: Aspergers Men and Relationship DifficultiesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-54780269873194814182022-12-01T12:49:00.807-08:002022-12-01T12:49:00.807-08:00Me too.
Me too.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-4964829134152655702022-11-28T17:12:26.148-08:002022-11-28T17:12:26.148-08:00I wish I knew you because I feel like I’m in your ...I wish I knew you because I feel like I’m in your exact situation.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-44306535780948435012022-09-16T15:16:29.889-07:002022-09-16T15:16:29.889-07:00Yeah I believe this 100%. Someone so self absorbed...Yeah I believe this 100%. Someone so self absorbed as to not be able to meet her "friends" needs but somehow expect them to meet theirs is definitely only capable of relating to people with the same condition as them... that's not a problem at all. It's a gift! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-89382002746601159542022-04-11T23:57:23.073-07:002022-04-11T23:57:23.073-07:00I agree,the melt downs are very hard to deal with ...I agree,the melt downs are very hard to deal with for me also. If you arent married to him, I would advise you to leave him. It is a horrible existance for any woman to have to endure. It gets worse over time and the older they get the less they mask. You will never be happy and have your needs met being with him. He doesnt need a relationship the same way you do. They don't understand feelings, real love, desire or excitement. Its like being married to an emotionless robot in bed. You will end up very depressed, lonely, rejected,and not feeling desired by him. They can be very attracted to other women and show feelings for them which hurts because they can't get excited for you! Leave while you still can!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14744317887456349475noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-53244276605872135162022-01-09T04:21:34.315-08:002022-01-09T04:21:34.315-08:00A wife married to someone with AS
Your needs hav...A wife married to someone with AS<br /> Your needs have to be met too.<br />Going through a marriage alone whist married is extremely tough.<br />Dont feel guilty your need to socialize & just going out can recharge your battery.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14417706179094789051noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-44187927062801874702021-12-19T06:07:35.085-08:002021-12-19T06:07:35.085-08:00Hi it's the meltdowns that really knock me an...Hi it's the meltdowns that really knock me and shake me up, and him too although he doesn't acknowledge them after as this. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years and now I wonder if it's make or break. I understand all the reasons and know he is a vulnerable man and loves me deep down, I've read up and have a much better understanding now. But as a women do I deserve better. I make sure I do things differently so I don't end up isolated. Am a patient person but it trys me most days. He hasn't had a diagnosis and his parents are not overly emotional either. I do love him which is the battle... Doesn't like change or decorating, children or dogs..so I'm limited in my life and restricting my own needs now. Heartbreaking .. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16040440811675035654noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-74796484577433002172021-06-17T08:44:44.800-07:002021-06-17T08:44:44.800-07:00I have a partner like you too. Never any other emo...I have a partner like you too. Never any other emotions then happy and calm . It makes you feel like your the one with the problem. He doesn't share what he thinks or feels or how he sees things. It's feels alone. He is also very nice and sweet and dors everything for me. That makes it wors. Al the practical things he does but he doesn't even talk to my friends or children. Only to me. I keep thinking that I should leave him but up till now I can't.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05247404915393918669noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-45791841776005928792016-06-25T22:45:38.284-07:002016-06-25T22:45:38.284-07:00Neurotypical men can be jerks too.Neurotypical men can be jerks too.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12442288624486548727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-64432427776239114612014-12-27T11:00:16.808-08:002014-12-27T11:00:16.808-08:00@Lynda: Very well- and articulately stated. No m...@Lynda: Very well- and articulately stated. No matter the posturing and spinning done by big Aspies, they are lacking. If they can be happy lacking "together," more power to them, but to inflict themselves on unwitting NTs is irresponsible, if not unethical. As far as ethics go, too, I believe it's incumbent on us as members of society to seek to better ourselves; as the society serves us (and it does, with roads, police protection, etc.), so must we responsibly serve it. If - based on others' reactions to us - it becomes evident we have "issues," then we must address them. And if you're an Aspie, hiding in your garage or behind the skirts of bigger Aspies isn't the way to do it.Justinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09973365020922386481noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-23067805329541144612014-05-03T12:12:27.684-07:002014-05-03T12:12:27.684-07:00"Little Spectrumites?" Ok, how affectio..."Little Spectrumites?" Ok, how affectionate. When you belong to this "Little Aspie Club" maybe it is correct to assume the reason why you all get along so well together, (you, the husband, the children, and all their children)is because you all understand one another and are not sensitive to the improprieties, lack of masterful relationship communication skills and the ability to modulate extreme emotion. I think "little Aspies" should grow up to marry "big Aspies" and stay away from other "neuro typical" folks who have other expectations from a mate. It is really unfair for both people to suffer so much. I think people should stop pretending, admit they need a diagnosis and avoid the conflict of going outside their circle of comfort. Most "neurotypical/Aspie" marriages seem to be disastrous, painful, disappointing, and lonely, not to mention costly and time consuming and high maintenance for all the therapy that's needed to stay married or reach even a modicum of happiness and satisfaction.Lyndahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772265607120093819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-67864544989895796892013-12-21T05:27:42.490-08:002013-12-21T05:27:42.490-08:00LEAVE HIM NOW!!!!!LEAVE HIM NOW!!!!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17341678399590055681noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-61338308619275137302013-12-21T05:26:32.639-08:002013-12-21T05:26:32.639-08:00Your not alone...I too lost myself, my friends, an...Your not alone...I too lost myself, my friends, and my family by letting him isolate me..After 6 years we started reacting violently towards each other..which i never ever do. He refused to accept his diagnosis..and when we broke up..he treated me like he never knew me..he replaced me with ano5her he met online (like me )..months before we splt....six long painful years.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17341678399590055681noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-67679810596743511342013-04-10T13:44:34.757-07:002013-04-10T13:44:34.757-07:00I just want to share my experience and testimony h...I just want to share my experience and testimony here.. I was married for 6 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but I still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost? then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and I didn't know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster? so I decided to try it reluctantly..although I didn't believe in all those things? then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn't believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man, his email address prophetsalifu@gmail.com, his spells is for a better life. again his email is prophetsalifu@yahoo.com.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12881260930196075359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-76000307601374175492012-06-22T03:48:58.391-07:002012-06-22T03:48:58.391-07:00I think that's great that you were able to bec...I think that's great that you were able to become more in-tune with our wife. Give it a little time. I'm not sure how long you've been together, but your changes may not seem genuine yet. My husband wasn't at all self-absorbed and emotionally distant while dating and through our engagement. In fact, he couldn't have been more perfect - same dreams/goals, etc. He continues to be/act very social outside our home. The day after the wedding, I didn't recognize the man I married. It took 20 years to figure out what was going on. I'm so glad that there is more information about undiagnosed Aspies now. Hopefully more support for adults and their partners will follow soon. I commend you for the changes you're making. We NT wives all have very similar stories to tell. Though not intentionally done, your marriage has truly hurt/changed/damaged your wife. She will appreciate your efforts and will reciprocate when she feels a little more secure. And, yes, it is a sick society....and I love my Aspie. I just wish we knew about it. Not knowing caused a lot of hurt and confusion for both of us.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-26284473483001508482012-06-12T02:29:21.341-07:002012-06-12T02:29:21.341-07:00I am a 40's male, and I guess I'm probably...I am a 40's male, and I guess I'm probably an Aspie. I've achieved well academically and financially in a narrowly focused scientific field. I agree with the AS lady that says that the partners who choose us do it for the safety of not having to let anyone very close. They may say they regret it later, but how do you not notice that someone is self-absorbed and emotionally distant? Give me a break. A while back, after having a high fever for a few days, I had delirium, and along with it some startling realizations about how my spouse must feel. For some reason (you explain it 'cause I can't) I understood that I could be more nurturing and tuned-in. I understood that I needed to notice her. It's not like I think it "cured" me or something, but I got a good glimpse at something more like typical. Here's the rub. When I try to learn about my NT wife and my NT parent, I repeatedly find that they won't talk about themselves, their feelings, or what's important to them. They are pleasantly evasive. They do not want me to become more emotionally available. They were comfortable with the idiot savant who went away and worked really hard on stuff they didn't understand. My wife has been touched by the deeply intimate, very personally focused love-making (that part of it all, she seems to like just fine). But now that I have understood the intimacy I've been missing, I'm seeing that she is resistant to me growing and healing. I'm breaking free from self-absorption - as much as I can in the life I have left. Now I understand that she never was emotionally available. I was just so focused on me that I never noticed. Maybe time will heal. Anyway, my overall impression of this whole Aspie/NT thing is this: I don't steal. I don't cheat. I don't lie. I am intellectually gifted and valued by those who can't focus for long enough to understand the things that are obvious to me. I use those talents to help humanity to the best of my ability. And now, I am aware of another dimension to the people with whom I interact. (It's not like I can't do it. Now that I know it's there, if I work at it and watch people more closely, I can pass. It's exhausting, but people no longer look at me like I'm an insect they've never seen before.) So, who is it exactly that has a problem? Can you imagine a bunch of aspies starting a war? systematically starving a population? perpetrating genocide? hiding a beneficial discovery? I don't think so. If you ask me, having a working knowledge of how this sick society functions is the illness. Am I wrong?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-37555591947470937372012-06-01T14:44:22.197-07:002012-06-01T14:44:22.197-07:00I am a 50 year old Aspie woman. I have had to admi...I am a 50 year old Aspie woman. I have had to admit that I am emotionally unavailable. I find being in a couple difficult, and I am infatuated with another man who is also emotionally unavailable (and he infatuated with some lover he had years ago, long gone). So what I say is this: Emotionally unavailable people are drawn to one another. If you are with someone who cannot show you love and tenderness, then there is a reason within yourself for that. Easier to focus on the partner's inability to love than your own (I know this because I have done that myself). We choose each other. We have some need, some craving, for the pursuit of someone who can never truly be with us. All the focus goes on to "if only s/he'd change, I'd be happy". Not true. It's a bitter, repulsive fact that people like us love each other because of the guarantee of coldness and distance. I have come to believe this is all part of Asperger's, not lack of self esteem, childhood trauma etc (though being Aspie, we are rich in both those things). He can't love? Nor can you. Nor can I. I want to face this miserable, hurtful truth. I suspect some partners of Aspies are also on the spectrum, or have some other condition that draws you to us. There's no right, no wrong and (short of domestic violence) no victim and no villain. We can't love as we'd wish to love. What now? Accepting that is the first step, for me. Not that I know what comes after that.huytongirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-83407988559129600782011-12-03T09:44:25.345-08:002011-12-03T09:44:25.345-08:00My husband definitely is Aspie. He has a lot to l...My husband definitely is Aspie. He has a lot to learn in the social department. Luckily, he likes to be physical and that is a plus for our marriage (i actually told him I can't marry him unless we have sex at least 3x's a week ;o) haha Yes, I'm a woman! LOL He is not very romantic but he has allowed me to open some doors and travel places I don't think he would have without me. He has been more flexible and so I believe the balance has helped him. I insist on Intimacy. Luckily, this is not uncomfortable with him. The biggest problem is him being a work horse and "shutting him down" almost like a computer FROM the computer and him learning to "realize" that it's "too much" He needs to check in to Life, the kids, me Things he once felt was important (and still does) I guess it's the transition. I don't like the emotional detachment (like i feel he could have sex with someone else and it wouldn't be a BIG deal) and so yes, I feel he would be more likely to "wander" but he does know the difference right/wrong and hopefully he will keep to his vows/promises. I know he loves me and the kids. He's just a bit "impulsive" and so that sometimes makes me worried that it will ruin our marriage. We've been married for 10 happy years though and I feel we both compliment each other, though I'm not on the Spectrum. I love that he's a very logical thinker and he is more involved with the kids activities than most men. He also is not into sports so that frees up some time for the family. I love my Aspie husband and I like that he sees/knows he has weaknesses (isn't arrogant) and knows he has much more strengths.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-54541789361554271112011-09-26T08:53:59.472-07:002011-09-26T08:53:59.472-07:00Yahoo group Aspergers and Other Half are what kept...Yahoo group Aspergers and Other Half are what kept me sane for the longest time. I think very few people who do not live with Aspergers have any real understanding of how tough it really can be, particularly undiagnosed partners. I am not really surprised we are not believed half the time, their behaviour can be so outrageous yet they are so plausible in their genuine belief it is us that are the sole cause of the difficulties, we are often emotionally exhausted and fragile so we are seen to be the problem and most just think 'it can't be that bad, you must be exaggerating'. I read my life over and over in AS&OH forum. They give incredible support and you get the validation you need to believe, no, you are not nuts or too needy or 'the problem'.<br />they are misunderstood but loving and living with a spouse who has AS can be a difficult experiencekathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13444037061125454662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-56410199147368394662011-02-27T14:59:23.574-08:002011-02-27T14:59:23.574-08:00living with my AH for 12 years now. At first didn&...living with my AH for 12 years now. At first didn't know why he's so aloof and emotional at the same time and it was really confusing.<br />He can get really agrrasive when playing games (rule boy) and totally into any debates in the most defending manners...even when others lost their interest and he wouldn't read their 'signals'.<br />I'm Chinese and he's English, I first thought it's cultural and language differences. Only by chance read something about ASD and got goosebums cause it's matching most of my husband's behaviour. <br />I got to a stage where I have to 'explain' openly and bluntly to our daughter - on every 'odd' behaviour that he display just in case she thinks that is normal. Because I starting to notice she not using the eye contact and begins to ignore people.<br />I'm feeling really exhuarsted and lonely :-(Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-48555077120758810342011-01-01T13:22:15.213-08:002011-01-01T13:22:15.213-08:00My man is also an Aspie. Not diagnosed, but he rec...My man is also an Aspie. Not diagnosed, but he recognizes it in himself, and we have an Aspie grandson, as well as an autistic granddaughter. Their mother also has certain Aspie traits. Our marriage was torture for me for almost 30 years. The loneliness and frustration finally became overwhelming & we divorced. We actually got back together about a year later because we do really love each other, but it took some really brutally honest sessions to work past things. He was shocked to learn how hurtful he had been, in spite of my trying to communicate this for years. He was finally ready to listen after the divorce. We haven't remarried, mostly due to his horrible financial management. I refuse to be tied to his debts.<br /><br />All that being said, one key for us has been just accepting each other as we are. I no longer expect him to come to concerts with me, so there is no disappointment when he won't. I understand his tendency to be a hermit. I have learned to make my own life and enjoy what we can together at the same time and to be content with that. It has been difficult - I'm a very tactile person and that deficiency in the relationship has bee very painful to me. <br /><br />The confrontations surrounding the divorce ended the verbal abuse, and my advice to those who suffer it is to be very direct in saying that they are being mean and hurtful. You newd to refuse to listen to it. Get the positive strokes you need from friends and family - they aren't likely to come from your spouse very often if at all.<br /><br />After all these years, I can now say that I am content, and often happy in the relationship. It isn't everything I dreamed or even needed, but it works.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-15381299448699834642011-01-01T12:39:58.188-08:002011-01-01T12:39:58.188-08:00This article is so welcome. For many years I had n...This article is so welcome. For many years I had no idea what the reason was for the strange, nearly indefinable problems we had in our marriage. Now I realize that there must be many exhausted, isolated, deeply sad women out there trying to cope with a very difficult situation alone, because so few understand. My husband is a beautiful, gentle, intelligent individual but this does not prevent my suffering. Denying one's self and sacrificing all basic emotional needs every single day, giving up the most important personal desires bit by bit as the years go by is so damaging. I wish support was better organized for partners of Aspergers. Many of us live in a trap, denying ourselves more and more as times goes by but finding it unacceptable to abandon a good and in a way helpless person who is the way he is out of no fault of his own. It is enough to make one crazy and there is no help around. Thank you for your article. This is a first step.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-59477468832987391632011-01-01T12:39:48.291-08:002011-01-01T12:39:48.291-08:00There are many aspects of this article that really...There are many aspects of this article that really hit home but I don't feel that being married to a person with Asperger's is the worst thing in the world. Would you just up and run if your part developed cancer or was seriously injured in a car crash and need care all the time? My husband has Asperger's and OCD. We have been married for 6 years but together on and off for 13 years. We have 5 kids together, two of whom also have Asperger's. My daily life is VERY exhausting mentally and physically caring for my children and my husband especially since they all have their own set of challenges to tend to but I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the world!! I think as long as you (the neurotypical spouse) have some outlet to keep yourself balanced it is very doable. I know my husband loves me with all his being. It may not always be perceived that way because all his love can seem small in comparison to a "normal" relationship but I know that he is giving all he can and that means something. It would be nice to have a forum to talk to others who understand where I am coming from though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-68729166603141179492011-01-01T12:39:16.057-08:002011-01-01T12:39:16.057-08:00I have been divorced for a few years from my spous...I have been divorced for a few years from my spouse, but, I do believe that he has Asperger's. Now so much of his personality and so much of what we went through in our marriage makes sense, like pieces of a puzzle coming together. Thank you for posting your article!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-69555824131394360662011-01-01T12:39:06.981-08:002011-01-01T12:39:06.981-08:00My husband DOES have aspergers (and ADHD), as did ...My husband DOES have aspergers (and ADHD), as did his father and uncle. It is stressful and I am exhausted. The groups I've tried to join basically say the same thing: Be positive, accept him, it's not his fault. I'm not a good wife for not "enduring". I understand that. I really do-but I am losing it. Fast. It's been 15 years and I am EXHAUSTED.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1527055659904040434.post-18654115717310749472011-01-01T12:38:53.426-08:002011-01-01T12:38:53.426-08:00Me NT, him Aspie. We met 2 years ago. Good friends...Me NT, him Aspie. We met 2 years ago. Good friends for 1.5 years. Roommates while platonic but it was getting intense. He moved out. Got all touchy, huggy, kissy then sexual + romantic increasingly over the spring and summer. He has said "I love you" and "I love you, too" to me about 200 times on chat, in person, in bed, via texts. We've slept together and had sex (he was a very sweet and generous giver of pleasure) at least 10 times and even traveled this summer together on vacation. When I tried to have the "relationship" conversation and discuss how to accept our friendship growing into being lovers, he told me could never be my lover or boyfriend, only my friend with benefits and then he stated he only said "I love you" or "I love you, too" or "xoxoxoxoxoxoxo" to me because it was socially acceptable and he doesn't even know what love is. He said he cared for me but only as a friend and he isn't willing to categorize. When I got emotional/upset about him LYING that he loved me and spending months saying false words, which added to my increasing affection and desire for him, he shut me out by blocking my emails, texts, and AOL chat. It's been weeks of hell for me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com