Should I actively try to teach him ways to socialize in order to “fit in” better?

Question

How should I deal with my 12-year-old Asperger’s son now?
Should I simply accept him as he is now, or should I
actively try to teach him ways to socialize in order to “fit
in” better? By socialize, I mean look in a person’s eyes
when talking, how to be a friend, conversations should be
two way instead of him delivering a monologue, etc. Are
these things even “teachable?”

Answer

Yes, those things are teachable! And you should definitely
work on them with your son. This type of teaching should
begin even earlier than age 12. But, at age 12, your son is
likely to learn them more easily than he would have at a
younger age.

Teenagers with Asperger’s Syndrome often have a difficult
time during the teenage years. They become isolated
socially and face rejection and bullying due to the fact
that they act differently from others. They long for
friends, but have very weak social skills. There are some
teenagers who do well during these years, if they are
indifferent to peer pressure and focused on a special
interest of their own, such as music or computers.
Encouraging your son to develop a special interest may help
him form friendships with other teens that have the same
interest.

One of the biggest issues for most Asperger’s teens is that
they don’t care about the usual fads, teen activities, and
peer expectations. Sometimes their interests are more
appropriate for younger children. Boys may be rejected if
they are not interested in sports. Some of these issues can
be resolved by helping your son learn about fads, teen life,
and sports. Even if your son isn’t very interested or
doesn’t want to participate in them, it will help him
understand his peers. Teach him how to talk about
celebrities, teen rituals, and sports using social stories
and role playing (see below). Focus on teaching him how to
speak briefly and then wait for the other person to respond
before he speaks again.

Encourage your son to initiate contact with peers, leave
phone messages, and arrange social activities. Encourage
him to join clubs, especially those that focus on a special
interest of his. Some teens enjoy talking with other
Asperger’s teens in internet chat rooms, forums, and on
message boards.

It helps “Aspies” if parents are involved in arranging
social interactions with peers. Parents should help
organize and supervise appropriate activities. Michelle
Winner’s “Social Thinking Program,” which emphasizes how to
join a group, become a part of it, how to converse on common
topics, develop social skills (eye contact, for example),
and make friends by creating “Friend Files,” may help your
son.

Behavioural Therapy with a counsellor also helps Aspies
learn how to function. Any kind of therapy takes effort on
the part of the teenager and his parents. The success of
therapy depends on the teenager’s own desire to fit in.

Social stories can be used to teach appropriate behaviour in
a variety of settings. Social stories may be used by
parents, therapists, or teachers. Social Stories are a tool
for teaching social skills to those with autism and related
disabilities. Social stories provide accurate information
about situations that your son may find difficult or
confusing. A situation is described in detail and focus is
placed on a few key points: important social cues, events
and reactions the individual might expect to occur, the
actions and reactions that might be expected of him, and
why. The goal is to increase the individual’s understanding
of, make him more comfortable in, and teach some appropriate
responses for that particular situation.

The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete
Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed
With Aspergers Syndrome.

Asperger's Syndrome and Tics

Aspergers can have many complications such as tics. Tics are rapid sudden movements of muscles in your body or tics can be sounds. Both kinds of tics are very hard to control and can be heard or seen by others. However some tics are invisible like toe crunching or building up tension in your muscles.

Simple tics involve just one group of muscles and are usually short, sudden and brief movements such as twitching the eyes or mouth movements. Some simple tics can be: head shaking, eye blinking or lip biting. Simple vocal tics can be: throat clearing, coughing or sniffing.

Complex tics involve more than one muscle group and are longer movement which seem more complex such as jumping, hoping, touching people, hitting yourself or pulling clothes. Other complex vocal tics can be: repeating words of others or yourself all the time or repeating out loud what you have read.

Tics may increase as a result of negative emotions such as stress, tiredness or anxiety, but positive emotions as well, such as excitement or anticipation. These emotions are often experienced in those diagnosed with Aspergers. A strong urge can be felt before the tics appear and sometimes with intensive therapy these urges can be suppressed. When tics or urges to have tics are suppressed there can be a built up off other tensions or even stress. Often when the tic is gone those who suffer from it feel a sense of relief.

Whenever kids with Aspergers focus their energy on something else like play computer games or watching TV their tics are decreasing due to relaxation.

What's a Tic?

A tic is a sudden, repetitive movement or sound that can be difficult to control. Tics that involve movements are called motor tics and those that are sounds are called vocal tics. Tics can be either simple or complex:

· Complex motor tics aren't as rapid as simple motor tics and can even look like the person is performing the tic on purpose.

· Complex motor tics usually involve more than one muscle group.

· Complex vocal tics involve more meaningful speech (such as words) than simple vocal tics.

· Simple motor tics involve a single muscle group.

Shoulder shrugging is one of the most common simple motor tics; others include:

· eye blinking
· facial grimacing
· head twitching
· jumping
· kicking
· lip biting
· nose wrinkling
· repetitive or obsessive touching

Common vocal tics include:

· barking
· coughing
· grunting
· hissing
· sniffing
· throat clearing

Transient vs. Chronic Tics—

It's perfectly normal to worry that a tic may never go away. Fortunately, that's not usually the case. Most tics are temporary and are known as transient tics. They tend to not last more than 3 months at a time.

In rarer instances people have tics that persist for an extended period of time. This is known as chronic tic disorder. These tics last for more than a year. Chronic tics can be either motor or vocal, but not both together.

Diagnosis—

Tics can sometimes be diagnosed at a regular checkup after the doctor asks a bunch of questions. No specific test can diagnose tics, but sometimes doctors will run tests to rule out other conditions that might have symptoms similar to tics.

Embarrassment Associated with Tics—

Many times, people don't see themselves having a tic — they're not walking around with a huge mirror at all times! So it's only natural that they may think that their tic is the worst tic ever. Of course it isn't, but it's still a concern for many people with tics. And these exaggerated thoughts can cause unnecessary feelings of embarrassment or angst, and actually make the tic worse.

Nobody wants to make tics worse, but is there any way to make them better? While you can't cure tics, you can take some easy steps to lessen their impact:

· A tic? What tic? If a friend of yours has a tic, don't call attention to it. Chances are your friend knows the tic is there. Pointing it out only makes the person think about it more.

· Avoid stress-filled situations as much as you can — stress only makes tics worse. So get your work done early and avoid the stress that comes with procrastination and last-minute studying.

· Don't focus on it. If you know you have a tic, forget about it. Concentrating on it just makes it worse.

· Get enough sleep. Being tired can makes tics worse. So make sure to get a full night's rest!

· Let it out! Holding back a tic can just turn it into a ticking bomb, waiting to explode. Have you ever felt a cough coming on and tried to avoid it? Didn't work out so well, did it? Chances are it was much worse. Tics are very similar.

In certain cases, tics are bad enough to interfere with someone's daily life and medication may be prescribed.

Don't let a little tic dictate who you are or how you act. Learning to live with and not pay attention to the tic will make you stronger down the road.

The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete
Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed
With Aspergers Syndrome.

What is the best way to teach social stories?

Question

What is the best way to teach social stories ...by parents, a therapist, or in a peer group setting? Are they good resources for the homeschooler?

Answer

Indeed, social stories can be effectively used to teach appropriate behavior in a variety of settings. Social stories may be used by parents, therapists, or in peer group settings. And home-schooling parents often use social stories effectively. Social stories are used to address the following psychological and social symptoms:

• A lack of imagination in play or expression
• Consistent shyness, anxiety, and unhappiness
• Depression during the years of adolescence and early adulthood
• Difficulty in relationships with others
• Feelings of isolation from others
• Obsessions, including irrational fears and anxieties
• Timidity

The Importance of Social Stories

Social stories are a teaching device for kids. The stories are used to teach everyday social skills to youngsters who have a diagnosis of Aspergers. The stories contain accurate and useful information for someone encountering situations that they may find difficult or confusing. The stories approach a topic by describing it in explicit detail and focus on teachable skills needed within the story. A typical social story will discuss a given situation, how someone is expected to react in that situation, and why the reactions are appropriate.

Deciding on an Appropriate Social Story

Social stories are individualized in that each youngster is seen as an individual whose problems accompany a diagnosis of Aspergers (or high-functioning autism).

An appropriate social story captures the areas of the youngster’s life that are challenging. The Aspie’s behavior is evaluated by parents and teachers at home, in public, and at school. Parents, teachers, and therapists look at the child’s tantrums, withdrawal, social, and escape behaviors. They target these behaviors, and use a social story that addresses the behaviors.

Here's an example:

Lining Up—

At school, we sometimes line up. We line up to go to the gym, to go to the library, and to go out to recess. Sometimes my friends and I get excited when we line up, because we’re going someplace fun, like out to recess. It is okay to get excited, but it is important to try to walk to the line. Running can cause accidents, and my friends or I could get hurt. I will try to walk to the line (the behavioral goal for the child).

As you can see, social stories are short and to the point. They are structured to describe social situations, explicitly describing what the Aspergers youngster can expect from the situation, and what society expects of the youngster.

The Benefits of Social Stories

Social stories are beneficial in that they focus on “theory of mind” impairments (i.e., mind blindness), which are inabilities to understand the feelings and behaviors of others. In addition, social stories not only provide information about social situations, but also help the child learn how to handle them. Socially relevant information with illustrations and text, have been shown to be highly effective with Aspergers kids.

Social stories in video format can be viewed  here...

Helping siblings to cope with Aspergers...

Question

My AS daughter is 10 and my youngest daughter is almost 4. My 10-year-old verbally attacks my 3-year-old and my 3-year-old just stands there looking dazed and confused. How can I get my 10-year-old to stop doing this and how can I protect my 3-year-old from it? It is really starting to take a toll on my relationship with my husband. (The 10-year-old is his stepdaughter and 3-year-old is ours together.) Not to mention the toll it is taking on my 3-year-old. She loves her sister so much and wants nothing more than to spend time with her. Her feelings get so hurt when her sister yells, screams, calls names, and tells her she hates her. I have tried sending 10-year-old to her room, talking to her, taking things away, watching the situation and trying to stop it before it happens, but it happens so quickly, it’s hard to see it coming. What can I do?

Answer

First of all, find a time when you and your husband can sit down and have a talk with your 10-year-old, without the 3 year old being present. Calmly, each of you should tell her how sad and upset you feel when she yells and screams at her little sister. The goal is to make her feel guilty about this behaviour and to understand that it is unacceptable. Point out to her how awful it would be if you and your husband acted that way – toward her. Ask her how she would feel if you yelled, screamed, and called her names. Be specific describing such a situation to help her understand how bad she would feel. Then make the point that her little sister feels the same way.
Tell her that she cannot continue yelling, screaming, and calling names, and that, if she does, she will be punished. The punishment should be “time out” in a room alone for 15 minutes, with no fun activities available to her, following by apologizing to her sister. Do this every time she acts inappropriately. Each time, after her time out, sit her down and explain again why she must not act this way and that it is unacceptable. Find out why she had “a meltdown.” Help her find an alternate way that she could have handled the situation. Have her practice it. You may have to do this many, many times.

To stop verbal abuse you may need to use other forms of behaviour modification as well. You must determine the need that your daughter’s behaviour fulfils and teach her a replacement behaviour. For example, if she yells when her little sister uses her things, teach her to come to you with a single code word, and when she does, help her handle the situation. This takes time. If the child is severely out of control, then removing the child from the situation is required. As you know, this may be easier said than done. Behaviour modification should be started early. You may need the help of a counsellor or psychiatrist to help you deal with this now before it escalates into physical abuse. Hopefully your 10-year-old will learn to communicate the cause of her anger and get her needs met by doing so. Unfortunately, children who get what they want because of misbehaviour are likely to continue and escalate such behaviour.

Your daughter may have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) or another disorder in tandem with Asperger’s. Some theorists claim that ODD is a result of incomplete development; the ODD child has never completed the developmental tasks of normal children. The child is stuck at the 2-year-old level of development and never grows out of it. In this case, medical intervention may be necessary.

Another theory about ODD is that it is a result of negative interactions, possibly interactions that occur away from home. This theory states that having successfully used anger and abuse as a way to get needs met, the Asperger’s child continues to use it.

ODD does not usually occur alone. About 35% of ODD children have an affective disorder and 20% may have a mood disorder, such as Bipolar Disorder. Other ODD children have personality or learning disorders. It is imperative that your daughter is evaluated for other disorders, as this will be the key to treating her successfully.

The Parenting Aspergers Resource Guide: A Complete Resource Guide For Parents Who Have Children Diagnosed With Aspergers Syndrome.